110: Wine, whisky and gin

For once I was doing the driving. Charlie had her head in documents she should have already learnt, marked and inwardly digested. We were bound for the old bank in our great cathedral city, and meetings, various.

We began on the ground floor. ‘Have a glass of wine?’ Said Thayer almost before we were over the threshold. He very intentionally showed us the bottle. The label showed a vineyard on a steep slope leading down to a valley bottom being traversed by a narrow-gauge steam train. The wording above the view read; “County Estates Special Reserve”, the wording below in smaller type, “Douro Valley Table Wine”.

‘I say! Most befitting.’

‘It’s a head office initiative, adds a touch of class I shouldn’t wonder, what do you think?’

‘Oh, simply oozes history.’ I reassured him.

‘Here, let me pour you one.’

‘Well, I drove here, I may be driving...’

‘Go ahead, I’ll drive back, I need to keep a clear head, not at all sure I understand what all these meetings are about.’ Asserted Charlie.

‘They’ve been tying themselves in knots upstairs. Correct me if I’m wrong, but they seem to think you’re irresponsible, throwing money left, right and centre. See it as their job to rein you in.’

‘And what do you think?’ I asked.

‘All I tell them, is all I know. You told me to judge each purchase on its individual merits, that’s what I do, they all stand up, as far as I can tell.’

‘This wine is really quite acceptable, shame Porto ever sort to fortify it really, though of course one understands why.’ I was met with blank stares. ‘Yes, well anyway. The whole point of today is timing. Or rather to “be prepared”, so we don’t get tripped up by the timing. When, the consortium jumps to become one unified company, depends on when, the government makes its minor legal adjustments. We must be clear about what remains trust property, and what is exchanged for shares in the new railway company. Right?’

‘Er, right.’

‘Yes, right.’

‘Well, onward and upward then!’

As we entered Brinkley’s office, the one with the second-best view, we were met by the sight of our dour and usually abstemious accountant sitting back in his chair with an unexpected grin on his face and clasping what appeared to be a glass of whisky. ‘Celebrating?’ I enquired.

‘Indeed, I am. The numbers are in, crunched, and pawed over. In summary, we will be exchanging your Tufnell land inheritance for fifteen per cent of the new company. If the company then wants other buildings or any cash injections they can be negotiated for after the consortium has been dissolved. Furthermore, we already have informal agreement from the, er, personal accountants for Gerald, Jack and Brian. Cheers! Oh, I’m forgetting my manners. Any of you care for an Irish?’

Lawrence then proceeded to produce glasses and one of those bottles that looks like a decanter. It had blazon on its side; “Brinkley Associates”, plus the same strange copperplate squiggle that adorns their correspondence. ‘Well, just a taste, if you insist.’ I replied.

‘But all these documents, I can’t work out where all the cash has come from for all the purchases over the last year!’ Asserted Charlie.

‘Close the door a moment Thayer, if you’d be so kind. There are appearances, Charlotte, then there is reality. Tony, who is of course a constant worry, to you in your role as carer, to Bernard and I who can’t stop thinking of ourselves as being in some form of loco parentis, has played another investment blinder. All that digital monitoring of people’s behaviour is producing cash we’d rather not have hanging around. Over one hundred and thirty new models of car, lorry - and tractor I’m told - globally, have driver monitoring systems from the company Tony so casually references as his American investments.’

‘Oh, right. But we only own ten per cent.’

‘Size isn’t everything. We should move upstairs, I sense the creaking of old beams, Bernard pacing the floor.’

Each time I enter the second floor it seems more open plan, more about spaces, fewer desks and what is office, melds into reception, into kitchen and easy chair areas, no hierarchy at all. Bernard, in his semi-retirement seemed to be truly delegating.

‘An, “Integrated Transport Partnership”. That’s what we're going to be investing in?’ Said a rhetorical and slightly frazzled Bernard looking at his papers as we all settled in the conference room.

‘An, ITP. Under the nineteen ninety-three act and the two thousand and fourteen EU directive, with the additional flourish of a statutory instrument or two.’ I helpfully added.

‘I can't believe Lawrence and I are giving all this our precious time. And the new company is to be called the “English Riviera Railway Company”, good lord!’

‘ERR’

‘Or, the ER, R!’ Quipped Thayer.

‘Oh, cheer up Bernard, don’t be such a killjoy.’ Said Brinkley, to the astonishment of all of us. ‘It’s an ideal retirement project for us. And if I may be so bold as to quote your new friend and colleague Henry Walpole, speaking recently on regional television; “A chance to finally mend the relationship between British Railways and the preservation movement, in this the sixtieth anniversary of the Beeching Report”.’

Bernard, for the first time to my certain knowledge, seemed lost for words. At least for long enough for me to notice the bottle, cans of tonic and glasses on a tray, placed beside the comatose owl. ‘Oh, help yourselves.’ He declared with a careless waft of his arm.

‘Blimey! Mother’s ruin. “Merriweather and Stollard”, “organically flavoured gin”, gosh!’ Now Charlie was joining in. ‘Where did this come from?’

‘Both Bernard and I took advantage of a new small firm which negotiates such arrangements...’

‘A bespoke gin, from a boutique company.’ Said Thayer to no one in particular.

‘Enough!’ Barked Bernard, drawing himself up, clearly determined to take back control. ‘There’s a flaw in your plan Tony. You’ll be stuck with a Light Railway Order at best, you won’t be able to go more than twenty-five miles per hour throughout your so-called network.’

‘Wrong.’

‘How?’

‘Only certain items of heritage rolling stock will need a restrictive speed limit. The railway, in its entirety will be re-laid by the same contractors used by Network Rail and to the same standards.’

‘Who the hell will pay for all that?’

‘The government, they will be able to claim, and rightly so, that new and old upgraded services are being introduced. It’s just two operators. Side by side at the old naval port, the latest passenger stock for the Sunday, up Bay Express to Paddington on the short platform, alongside the previous day’s down, steam-hauled heritage service on the long platform.’

‘And what about the dodgy viaduct, huh?’

‘It’ll get the proper maintenance. The new rolling stock will split as it always did in the old days. The modern five-car, aluminium bodied stock weighs less than the heritage train. And it gets to go faster, obviously. The avoiding lines through our station get reinstated. More trains than ever before.’

‘Very well, put in your political fix Tony. Just tell us when to jump and we’ll jump.’

‘You’re drunk! I’ve never seen you drunk before.’ She said, as the landscape passed in a blur.

‘How time flies.’ I replied. ‘Five years, now I’m tipsy on the strength of half a glass of wine, two sips of whisky and a well tonic-ed gin!’

‘Too old, can’t take your booze any longer. And your memory is going, it’s almost six years, actually.’

‘Really? Good lord. Regrets?’

‘Of course not! Well, the odd minor irritations, sir.’

‘Well, you can’t have everything.’

‘You seem to.’ Was there a note of sarcasm in her voice?

‘That is because I am content, as your pal Kenneth once said, to be a large fish in a small pool.’

‘Very good, sir.’

97: The Trumpton Interviews (part one)

‘News travels fast around here,’ is a firm belief amongst most club members. But in reality, it only travels fast when they want it to, so I mused, whilst lounging there one day. As if to confirm my thought, or pre-cognition if you believe in such things, I was interrupted in my reverie by Carrie, and where Carrie goes, Buffy is never far behind. ‘What ho, stranger!’ I declared.

‘Has the blighter come out yet?’

‘Whom? And from where, pray?’

‘Buffy, from having one of his secret recording sessions with Don.’

‘Oh! I see now. I’d somehow got it into my head these must be two hour long, live interrogations.’

‘No, no, Tony. Everything needs very skilful editing. It’s a series of off-the-cuff, lifting-the-lid on the secrets of government thing. But revelations that have been, well, spun to come out right. And passed by the lawyers before broadcast too. By the way, either Buffy or Don may approach you for access and permissions, to use the visuals everyone knows you’ve got, but very few have seen.’ Then she winked!

‘To be in their turn appropriately edited no doubt?’

‘Well, not unlike yourself, with Carry on Prime Minister. But of course, to give a rather different take on affairs.’

‘My cooperation will come at a price.’

‘Doesn’t it always darling!’

‘For once I’ll have to think, what can Buffy do for me? So, you’ve been holed-up at the cottage all this time?’

‘And been being constantly instructed by Buffy to creep across the parkland to get here, before entering by the rear.’

‘Is he really homeless without you?’

‘It’s either stay with me, or at that dump of a flat in his constituency. It’s the only real bargaining chip I have... Between you and me I really can’t see our relationship surviving much longer.’

‘It had a large element of convenience in the first place.’

‘You can say that again. He still thinks he can take a lot of people for granted, I’d say you’re the man to take him down a peg or two, Tony.’

‘I’ll see what can be arranged!’

‘How’s Charlotte?’

‘Growing ever more powerful by the day.’

‘Oh, well that’s good, no chance of you getting bored then.’

Then we were interrupted; ‘Ah! There you are Anthony; I was hoping for a word.’

‘Buffy.’

‘Yes, er, now then, we must consult, we have many matters of mutual interest now.’

‘We do?’

‘I have the ear of government, you with your extensive interests in property and business must surely be in need of a friendly ear?’

‘Isn’t there some rule against that sort of thing these days?’

‘It’s a code, its not mandatory, ministers and prime ministers decide. Constitutionally, it’s none of parliament’s business.’

‘Are you angling for a job? Money worries? It can’t be Carrie, she’s hardly high maintenance, quite the reverse from what I hear.’

‘I’ll leave you two, to it.’ She said, I could see she was on the verge of cracking-up.

‘One is never short of offers after high office.’ Buffy continued, oblivious.

‘Really? Surely after your pre-recorded candour about life behind closed doors, people will worry about how sound you really are?’

‘Oh! Don’t give me that old fashioned civil service guff. The reality of politics and civil servants is very different today, and there are many openings in the private sector. And besides, after wider exploitation by Don, money won’t be an immediate problem. Listen, we need to talk seriously about the broader political message I’m sending out, developing on your ideas as it happens, whispered into Rory’s suggestable ear. Quite insightful really.’

‘And you need some statesman-like video to illustrate the podcasts.’

‘Let me buy you lunch.’

‘Can’t be done today I’m afraid, I’m already lunching my solicitor.’

‘I never had you down as a football fan.’ I chided Bernard over pre-lunch drinks in the bar.

‘How the devil?’

‘Or perhaps you were just networking, taking advantage of the corporate hospitality. Times have changed, I always think of our local clubs as permanently occupying the lower half of League Division Four, as was. And Merriweather and Stollard billboards all around the ground, still I suppose you must know what you’re doing.’

‘Everyone needs a solicitor, especially these days. Who told you?’

‘Not who, but what. You really should think these things through, or read the paperwork that passes over your desk. We sold our facial recognition security software to the football club. The police wanted them to be compatible. But it is of course the same system that clocks you whenever you’re in the old bank. I got an automatic alert, as the responsible person for security at the Trust. My system thought you might be an interloper!’

Bernard had recovered himself by the time we were seated; ‘Well now, this is an unexpected pleasure. A free lunch from you I mean. Do you have something for me, or do you need to confess something? Come along, good news or bad? Spit it out before I order, otherwise I won’t know how expensive to make it for you.’

‘Oh, just a bit of a story to tell. After your rejection of my approach regarding the railway land, I felt duty bound to hand over the property deeds to the executor and his solicitors, for the collecting of items in the estate of Mary Tufnell. I may have no influence now alas, my entitlement is to possessions, not property after all. Ah well. Do order, whatever!’

‘Yes. Thank you. Who are the solicitors?’

‘Periwinkle and Blythe.’

‘What! Are you mad? You’ve heard me talk about them for decades. Blythe is bent.’

‘A strange choice of word coming from you!’

‘As in crooked, as in sailing too close to illegality. I want you to know I regard this as an act of personal disloyalty.’

‘The Tufnell family have always used your chief rivals.’

‘The only reason they are rivals at all, is that they cut corners; damn it I have a file several inches thick on Blythe alone. You know what he’ll do, insist on a particular surveyor going to all the properties, on bringing in an independent valuer, then clock-up who knows how many hours updating the land registry, all those purchases predate computerisation. And at the end of the day, the land will just appear in the estate accounts as of minimal value - abandoned brown field sites with no permissions - taking years to sell, yet the costs, will be astronomical! I imagine your friends will feel as aggrieved about you as I do. Send them to me when all this happens, if I could only get sworn affidavits, I’d be able to kick Blythe into the street once and for all...’

‘How much do you want Blythe?’

‘A lot!’ Then I could see a light come on. ‘Oh! You bastard.’

‘Well.’ I said, turning my palms up in a submissive gesture.

‘And most of this has happened already I suppose?’

‘They met alone with Blythe, he barely mentioned costs, they’re writing their statements as we speak, I’ve arranged an appointment for the aggrieved couple to have an hour of your time, at my expense, in a couple of days. After you’ve explained what you can do for them, you’ll be obliged to tell them it may take some time, at which point you say you are in a position to make an offer on my behalf.’

‘And?’

‘In the spirit of Mary’s Will, the Trust will take all the properties off their hands for half their value, but we will also pay the entire costs. Cash in hand, now. Mr Tufnell junior may look a little affronted at this, but his wife will say something like; “Don’t make a fuss darling, Tony has just saved your arse, again”. I’ll be at the end of a telephone line if you need me.’

‘Done. Not only is it worth it to see the humiliation of Blythe, but it will put more business in the hands of Merriweather and Stollard for years to come. But, I mean, Tony! I just don’t see why you’re so determined to acquire the land?’

‘There are two old avoiding routes for the coast line, both of which we can delay and make horrendously expensive, but at the same time, we, that is other members of what I should perhaps start thinking of as a consortium, can offer to buy outright, from a debt-ridden government, a loss-making railway line, or two.’

‘It’s steaming apple pie with ice cream day, today, isn’t it?’

82: Offers to treat

‘You haven’t asked what the agenda is today?’ I spoke.

‘I don’t need to.’ She replied.

‘Oh, yes?’

‘We, are taking a hike, to town.’

‘Oh lord, walk two miles around the hills to go half a mile as the crow flies.’

‘Wrong, I have a short cut, to get you to a haircut with Margot.’

‘Do we have to?’

‘Yes. I’ve lost control of your hair, it’s become lop-sided. Besides, we have other commissions too.’

‘Well, just don’t do this tomorrow, we have a long day’s negotiations at our HQ at the old bank.’

Sparkwell led me out via the tradesman’s entrance. We proceeded passed our new garage. ‘If all goes well tomorrow, Jack will get a down payment within hours and we will have secured the new car, hopefully the same colour, but I suppose the bumpers will look slightly different, like on the one we took to France.’

‘When I was sweeping out the inside, I had the thought it might make parking easier if we painted the interior white.’

‘But driver-assisted works perfectly well in the dark!’

‘But I like it switched-off, I told you it kept cutting-in when I was crashing around country lanes.’

‘I’ll concede it is inherently de-skilling. But I should warn you, once Jack has modified the new car, he will be doing computer upgrades on the old one.’

‘Right, we take a right here.’

Having descended on the town remarkably quickly, I got a five-minute rest whilst Margot performed her corrective procedures. Throughout she remained in instructor mode, they both seemed to find endless fascination in the crown of my head! Afterwards, Charlie apologised for not hanging around saying we were on a tight schedule and nudged me to pay and go. ‘What’s the urgency?’ I asked.

‘Edoardo will be leaving the workshop at twelve-thirty sharp.’

‘Yes, probably none of my business, but er... Why are we?’

‘I have the final items of my wardrobe to pick up, the formal wear.’

‘And you’re not talking about more uniforms, are you?’

‘No, formal wear. Well, it’s bound to happen. After all, you have various paraphernalia; even a complete morning suit, not to mention proper black bow ties, a couple of stiff collars, even a white mess jacket!’

‘You don’t have any particular event in mind?’

‘No.’

‘You, young lady, are getting ideas above your station!’

‘We’re all old friends and we trust each other.’ So said a beaming Bernard as Charlie was pouring out coffee. None of us seemed to have an answer to that, so his comment was left hanging in the air.

The silence was broken by Brinkley; ‘Our coffees always taste so much better when made by a proper barista.’

‘Why, thank you, Brinkley, though one shouldn’t underestimate the benefit of the china service, insisted upon by the late Mrs Hayward.’ She replied.

‘Oh, do sit down Ms Sparkwell, we’re all equals now. My point is, Tony, Lawrence and I are full voting board members of the Trust, Charlotte, you attend all meetings and get to vote on charity matters. You are also contracted by the Trust as are Lawrence and myself. The Trust owns this building, a large chunk of Crawford Park and much else besides.’

‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave.’ Offered Brinkley.

‘Please don’t interrupt Lawrence! All I’m saying is, can we for the purposes of this meeting all agree to hearing about the Mrs Tufnell and Captain Forsyth wills, Tony’s request for extraordinary funds, and, consequently, how one should approach this afternoon’s meeting of the trustees?’

‘Yes.’ I replied.

‘So, firstly, Tony, you have given me a copy of Mrs Tufnell’s bequests, now I don’t see how the matter pertains to anyone but yourself, unless and until you take possession of anything and subsequently care to gift it to the Trust. The situation with Captain Forsyth is potentially more complicated. You, Charlotte, will have executor’s rights until all disbursements are made. But anything turned into cash, will up the residue that is intended for our local homeless charity. However, possessions not specifically mentioned, could simply be gifted by you, to anyone. I suggested to the captain, that he specify how the yacht should be disposed of. He said he had hopes, given - in his words - it’s “historical uniqueness”, that it might go to the Maritime Historical Society. I have spoken to Thayer; he has links to the upmarket boat dwellers and the word has come back that the vessel might be expected to reach in excess of five million. Obviously, a real incentive for the homeless charity. My advice, get the captain’s intentions in writing, otherwise you will be left to decide, and you may feel a conflict of interest since you sit on the homeless committee. Questions?’

‘Yes, the reason I mentioned Mrs Tufnell, is that it will probably fall to me to take charge of her late husband’s papers, he had some sort of business relationship with my father, not as yet fully determined. I suppose there is the outside possibility of other occurrences, not unlike the Crimean gold.’

‘Good lord!’ Said Bernard.

‘Just a hunch you understand.’

‘You’re more than welcome to cross reference with anything in the Trust archive anytime.’ Added Brinkley.

‘I’ll talk to Captain Bob again,’ said Charlie, ‘but if he doesn’t act, then my priority would be to find the right home for the yacht, and if it involved a sale, then the cash goes to the shelter, end of story.’

‘Thank goodness Tony has no involvement, he’d instantly see a myriad of money-making opportunities in the situation! Which brings us neatly to your request for funds.’

Ignoring Bernard’s sarcasm, I pitched in; ‘Yes, we wish to avail ourselves of the opportunity to invest in our last new petrol car. The latest version of what we’ve got now. However, since it will be an appreciating asset, like the current one, we propose running the two cars, one each.’

‘Ah. Mmm.’ Said Bernard.

Then, after a pause, Brinkley smiled and said; ‘I did a while ago suggest to Charlotte that the existing car might be reassigned to her, in her role as Carer.’ Oh, Larry, I thought to myself, what a sweetie you are. ‘And of course, Tony could continue with the new car under existing arrangements.’

Bernard looked at Brinkley like a parent upon an innocent child. ‘You and Charlotte should form a pair at Bridge sometime, whilst Tony and I make for the poker room.’

Then, as I was thinking, no need to invoke special clauses or indeed make concessions at all, Brinkley replied; ‘It’s against your religion Bernard, as I’ve often had to remind you.’

‘Ah! Yes, now, how is the Church of England, gentlemen?’ I enquired.

‘Much as always, Lawrence still does the cathedral books from time to time.’

‘And what about you?’

‘Oh, very occasionally I may arbitrate over minor matters as Chancellor for the diocese.’

‘Oh my god!’ Said Charlie; ‘You’re the Grand Inquisitor! Defrocked any priests lately? Burnt any witches?’

‘The camera for each seat is voice activated Charlie, if you’re remote it’s just the usual boxes on the screen, but if you’re in the room, then from certain angles it gives the illusion of having a swivel head, that’s why it’s called an Owl.’

‘Ladies and gentlemen, if I may call this meeting to order, item one...’ To give Bernard his due, as chair he has a masterful command of the room, dovetailing perfectly with Brinkley as the humble secretary who only on very rare occasions needs to pass him a note, or indeed speak at all. Our other trustees were appearing remotely, one from Geneva where he was giving some sort of expert advice to one of the sprawling committees of the IPCC. The other, from his brutalist breeze block study in a university department whose reputation thankfully rose well above the architecture. Bernard chose his words with care; classic, vintage, historical, along with appreciating asset, low usage, minimum emissions etc.

‘So, that was your scheme, ha! The old boy network would give you the grand cathedral wedding you think you deserve.’

‘Only idle speculation really, just the way my mind works I’m afraid.’

‘Nice try sunbeam, nice try.’

64: The great bank heist (part one)

‘An invitation, sir.’ So said Charlie shoving the silver salver under my chin.

‘How do you know?’

‘I got an identical envelope.’

‘So, you’re standing there, waiting for me to open it, when you already know what’s inside.’

‘I wouldn’t want to spoil your enjoyment.’

‘I see. Oh look, who’d have thought, an invitation to attend upon the day that County Estates open their new branch.

‘Should be a laugh.’

‘Absolutely. We shall combine it with a visit to Bernard, I’ve got all of father’s Trust related documents sorted and ready to pass over. And, with your cooperation, we could have some fun viz-a-viz, the basement.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘I’ll explain later. Meanwhile you might add these invitations to the growing collection above the fireplace in the reception room.’

‘I notice Mrs Hayward’s portrait remains unhung, with her face turned to the wall, sir.’

‘There are some things it’s better she doesn’t see.’

Arriving at the old bank, we paused to survey the properties on offer in the window display. Most, as one would expect, were for desirable rural homes plus a few farms. One stood out, shouted-out, its exceptionalism. ‘Melbury Buildings!’ Exclaimed Charlotte; ‘All I did was mention it in passing at the first online Owl meeting. You wouldn’t think a place like this would “soil their hands” with it.’

‘Ah, well that’s part of the deal; that business should trickle down from the top of the building to the bottom, then creep along the street to the new bank.’

‘Who was Melbury anyway?’

‘You’ve never heard tell of “One-coat” Melbury?’

‘Sartorially challenged, sir?’

‘Well, no doubt he was, on many occasions. But no, the sobriquet came from him having started-out as a jobbing builder. New residents would move in and discover his one concession to interior design was a single coat of whitewash.’

‘Whitewash?’

‘An early soluble paint, the emulsion that didn’t stick. You must have found yourself pressed-up against a few old barn walls in your time, only to discover later you were covered in white power.’

‘What an imagination you have. But he must have made it big in the end?’

‘One of the first to call himself a developer, became a councillor, chair of the Bay Council planning committee.’

‘Named the building after himself then?’

‘His vanity soon caught up with him. Took to cutting corners in a big way, went bankrupt. Then it emerged, he’d offered and taken backhanders, did time for it.’

‘Blimey.’

‘The gossip was that he liked to check-in to various B&Bs and Guest Houses all along the coast road, sign his name simply, Melbury, hoping to be taken for a Lord by gullible proprietors.’

‘How do you know all this?’

‘Well, I overheard odd things as a child, but he does appear in father’s office day books quite a bit, not the gossip as such, but the old man was clearly keeping an eye on this particular development years before the Trust actually acquired it.’

‘But if this Melbury had cut corners...’

‘Nerves of steel father, hung-on through the whole bankruptcy thing, the discovery building standards hadn’t been met. Arguments over obligations to tenants, government covering the cost of bringing it up to standard. The legal obligation to put it on the market, waiting through the lack of interest.’

‘So, in the end he gets it at his price.’

‘Precisely.’

‘I’m Thayer.’ Said the man who approached us as we entered the cut-above property emporium, speaking with a distinctly local accent, from north of the Moor if I had to guess.

‘Pleased to meet you. I say, pardon me for being so forward and all that, but I thought your lot all buggered off to Essex in the seventeenth century?’

‘We did, but we weren’t all convinced by the puritanism, neither did we want to build a new England, so we came home. I was told you was local, but didn’t sound it.’

‘Ah, well, the old school. Anyway, let me introduce to my PA, Charlotte Sparkwell. Do excuse the cardboard box, more work for Merriweather.’

‘Welcome to County Estates, Ms Sparkwell. Much more than a PA, if the press is to be believed.’

‘Greatly exaggerated, sir.’

Then we were interrupted; ‘Tony! Ms Sparkwell.’

‘Charlie has a present for you Bernard.’

‘Good Lord!’

‘The gap in the Trust archive has been closed, and is indeed intriguing.’

‘Excellent, Lawrence will be exited.’

‘They are the original documents, I’ve scanned those I’ll want to look at again, I think we need to make this a bit formal, demand a receipt and all that.’

‘My goodness, I’ll ring upstairs, we can creep up the back staircase, once you’ve had a good look around.’

‘Talking of which, what’s the current situation with the basement?’

‘I’ve no idea. Haven’t been down there since the reinforcements for the lift shaft were done. Dusty and a lot of rubble I should imagine.’

‘Are the doors still locked?’

‘Doors? Plural? Tony, you’ve had access to this place a lot longer than Lawrence or I!’

‘Yes, but I don’t hold any keys.’

‘Ah. Point taken. What’s the sudden interest in our nether regions?’

‘It’s in the box, if you can read between the lines. A search for any and all keys please.’

‘Very well, this may be altogether too much for Lawrence, he may need to take one of his power naps.’

To cut a long story short, I managed to cause a good hour’s disquiet on the two floors above whilst we enjoyed snacks, nibbles and a glass of something, all the time interrogating Thayer about the top-end property market throughout the county. Bernard looked quite flushed when he finally returned. ‘This is your receipt, this is the key for the basement that’s kept at reception for whenever the lift engineer turns up, and that, is the ever-expanding collection of unidentifiable-s!’

‘Excellent, shall we proceed?’

‘Can anyone come along?’ Asked Thayer.

‘The more the merrier.’ I replied.

The lighting was better than I remembered, updated when the lift was seen to no doubt. I pointed out to my companions, the scars on the walls and floor. ‘Once upon a time there was a cage, with a locked gate, with the strongboxes and safe inside. Now, that should be it.’ I kicked aside various collapsed old packaging and debris.

‘Should be what?’ Asked Bernard.

‘The original safe of the old bank.’

‘Doesn’t look anything like a safe.’

‘Top loaded, like an old washing machine, there you go, two keyholes.’

‘Good lord! Well, we sure as hell haven’t got keys here for anything like that!’

‘You were lying.’

‘Well...’

‘You spent the whole time watching the rest of us, you knew the layout, the fact it was used as a safe room. You’ve already got the keys.’

‘It was question of flushing Bernard out onto open ground. I needed to know what he already knew. He, will wait for Brinkley to go through the documents with his accountant’s eye for misplaced details. Eventually the two of them will realise there is a story, and that some of the documents are missing, but of course they can’t demand them. As for the keys, it’s not a question of getting the right ones, but whether they will turn the locks which haven’t moved for at least sixty, possibly a hundred years!’

‘Well?’

‘Well, what?’

‘What do you expect to find inside?’

‘I don’t expect anything. Now, time for an unannounced visit to Cat Mackintosh.’

‘Don’t tell me, he has safecracker on his CV along with everything else.’

‘Not quite, but he will know about cleaning, lubrication, rust removal etc. I’m also expecting to get his situation report on the state of the Park, post Summit.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘I asked him to do a sweep, for any bugs left behind by the conference dwellers.’

‘Foreign spies, disguised as diplomats?’

'Oh no, I’m much more concerned about our own side.’

58: Matters of trust

‘Oh, there you are.’

‘I’ve just finished a session with Tuffy. He wants me to tell you some stuff.’

‘Coward!’

‘This is difficult. He, really doesn’t know you at all does he?’

‘Well, that thought has occurred, down the years, more often than I care to think about.’

‘And, there’s something about you, sometimes I’m not sure you care about him at all.’

‘Look, you’re right there is something a bit-off about our relationship. Perhaps if I just say; it’s Tuffy’s parents who hold a place in my heart, okay. I mean you might expect  Aunts to step forward in a crisis and all that, right. But Tuffy’s parents I just instinctively liked, and they liked me.’

‘I get it.’

‘Tuffy, just came as part of the package.’

‘Tuffy chickened-out, because he thinks you will be desperately upset to know you are not going to get to be his best man, and lay on a grand show at a grand wedding.’

‘It’s not all off, is it?’

‘No, just for various practical reasons, it’s a quiet registry office thing, they’ve been in the queue and they now have a date. It’s weird, I just thought, Tuffy must know, unconsciously.’

‘Go on.’

‘He wants you to take care of his mother, at the ceremony, the reception and whilst they bugger-off for a few days.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘The other thing I have to tell you, I mean I’ve been warning him I’ve got to do this for ages, otherwise the whole situation will go tits-up, is, Lady Victoria still doesn’t know about Tuffy’s “special treatments”, sir.’

‘Holy Moses. But, all three of them have been holed-up together for over a year!’

‘Precisely, sir.’

‘Vic knows, I’m sure of it, she’s had the measure of him for over thirty years, probably his mother knows too.’

‘He still has to fess-up.’

‘Of course, he does. What about the witnesses?’

‘Us.’

‘Oh, right. And the reception?’

‘Just the five of us, at their place.’

‘What time of day is the registry office?’

‘2,00pm.’

‘Piece of cake!’

‘I imagine they will require a little more than that, sir.’

‘No, no. All you have to do is get our wicker picnic basket into the car, then into the house. I’ll do the rest. I can’t believe how easy this is going to be. When we were kids, Tuffy’s papa had this kid’s party routine with some magic tricks, simplest misdirection and sleight of hand, but very impressive, even with the adults. Mrs Tufnell will know precisely where they are. What?’

‘That new work done on the chaise longue, it requires thorough crash testing, now.’

A few days later Charlie received a thick wad of paper through the post from Merriweather and Stollard. ‘Is this it?’

‘I imagine so.’

‘They think I should make a prompt appointment to come in to sign, with witnesses, plural?’

‘Well, I imagine everyone else is waiting on you having a free moment, you being so important and all that, for the next few weeks. Everyone really needs to be on board before the Park’s contract with the government kicks in. Brinkley’s back, he needs to sign, along with others, Bernard probably wants to do you all as a job lot.’

‘Why the urgency?’

‘Ah, well. The smaller document is all about permissions to change the Trust, the big one, the thing itself. Now, there is a sense in which, since the old Trust, as it were, becomes null and void, so does, in effect, for all practical purposes, some of its past activities. From the moment it comes in to force, the new Trust is, “squeaky clean and state of art”, to use Bernard’s phraseology...’

‘Certain things get swept under the carpet and stay there.’

‘I say, that’s rather a good way of putting it.’

‘So, what’s become of my mission statement, it’ll take me weeks to read this, let alone understand it.’

‘Well, it couldn’t be reproduced directly, it’s all about the future, our priorities can only be embedded in the law as it is today. We can only start, continue or stop on the basis of the current situation. I’ve found your intentions in at least twenty places so far though.’

‘Give me a couple examples then.’

‘So, as you know, basically we’re talking about residential and commercial buildings in various towns and farmland in the countryside. So, take Melbury Buildings…

‘I wish someone would.’

‘Agreed. I’d happily see it blown-up tomorrow. An appalling Modernist monstrosity, but a cash cow, in terms of the rents. Now, the Trust now says it will seek listed status for all its property. And what’s more it will seek to restore and enhance all. So, as soon as the Trustees start meeting, anyone is entitled to say that steps should be taken immediately to dispose of the above mentioned. Now, financially that is a double blow to the Trust, the cost of restoration-type work on the property we want to keep is astronomical, so we now have online retail and investment, website and social media innovation, behavioural…’

‘Your American investments.’

‘As you say, the Trust need not be restricted. It won’t be dependent on me gifting wads of cash after the event.’

‘And in the country?’

‘Well, for a start all that knocks out modern building on green field sites. But of course, you still get more and more clauses to allow small outhouses on farms provided they are essential utilities built in a style sympathetic to the etc. GMOs are out, trials in the gene-edited allowed. High intensity for animals out, set aside and woodland in, as existing contracts are fulfilled, tenancies fall vacant etc. See what I mean?’

‘I’ll phone now.’

That evening, when Charlotte returned from prep at the Park; ‘You know, having to work to a timetable is doing my head in. I almost joined everyone in the bar.’

‘Well, your membership does entitle you to booze your way through on the house wine for free, should you require it.’

‘No, staying sober whilst others... Well, it’s one of the few advantages I have. Read this.’ It was a three-page student handout like thing, on protocol when interacting with the eleven principals, being culturally aware etc. ‘I’ll never remember it all, I can’t instantly absorb like you.’

‘You won’t have to. So, whose been trying to tutor you in all this?’

‘Some Cabinet Office type.’

‘Who no doubt photocopied most of this from some EU manual. Buffy doesn’t want this.’

‘Go on.’

‘In essence, what is the club?

‘An English boarding school in an old country house, dominated by your lot who were all at the same school!’

‘You are only the waitress, you only understand the Queen’s English, you only speak when spoken to, you automatically serve coffee at eleven, if they want something else, sorry sir, we only have hot water in the coffee machine, they’ve already discovered the heating is off because it’s summer, it’s a Friday, you take it for granted you’ll be serving fish, there are only ten of them, hopefully, including Buffy as host so he’s in charge of the open fire, all the bag carriers are banished to the conference area making do with a cold spread. Besides, you’ve automatically been making sure our spring water and clean glasses are on all the tables.’

‘That’s brilliant.’

‘You are all body language; what FBI forensics would call a natural. All the nine guests, providing the EU can be banished to the ballroom, are as common as muck and only got where they are by ducking and diving, now they have expectations, they think they are entitled. All they get from you is, on first greeting each day, Good morning Prime Minister or Mr President or whatever, then sir or madam. The only person they can turn to is Buffy, I say Trumpton this girl is refusing me, whatever, that’s no girl that’s Sparkwell, treat her right she can get you anything smuggled-in, suddenly you are the Maître d’hôtel, the Concierge. Buffy has them trapped there; they, have to get on, with you.’

‘Buffy wants to start a bun fight?’

‘He wants them, to start one. At some point they’ll discover the Games Room, only then you’ll have them all, including Buffy.’

‘And when all this is going down, you just happen to be catching up on old times with Barmy.’

‘You worked that one out then.’

56: Domestic bliss

‘And this, is the Media Room.’

‘Command and control, eh!’

‘Assuredly, and especially if Buffy banishes me from the Park during the Summit.’

‘Two desks, so you can both enjoy the view?

‘Indeed.’

‘Bit hard on Charlie though, she appears to have only a laptop and a tablet whilst you’ve got, well, everything.’

‘Just a matter time, when she needs more, more will be provided.’

‘What’s the empty space by the back wall for?’

‘That will be the late Aunt’s chaise longue, once it returns from being re-upholstered and having it’s horse hair rearranged - or whatever it is they do to it.’

‘Might I have a word, gentlemen?’

‘See, she can still appear from out of nowhere.’

‘May one enquire, what happens tomorrow morning, when the Dragon Concierge discovers Northcott Electrics parked in your parking space, sir?’

‘Shit! What time is it?’

‘Almost 9,00pm, sir.’

‘Er. Right. Okay. Only an old-fashioned person to person phone call will do this. Now, you two, turn and face the wallpaper, it’ll be a distraction. Thankfully you’ll only hear one side of this. It’s ringing. Marietta! Good evening... My Apologies. This is just by way of a quick courtesy call to say that Sparkwell will be arriving shortly with an overnight guest. ..Yes, he is actually rather a good prospect as a future tenant, do you know Northcott Electrics? ..He is in fact the owner, unfortunately his car is in dock, he’s having to use one of the firm’s vans, Charlotte will escort him to my parking space and give him a quick tour of the flat, before returning here. ..Well yes, which is why I thought it only prudent to have a word. ..Just the one night, unless of course he’s really taken with the place and signs on the dotted, then you’ll be stuck with him. My pleasure, as always, bye for now.’ Suddenly the room seemed very quiet. ‘Well, don’t just stand there, go to it!’

‘Satisfied?’

‘Blissful. Are you satisfied, I can’t think of anything we’ve left untested, and the video works a treat, yes?’

‘I know, you can even see the curtains move in the breeze. Shame my online support is about to come to an end.’ Then her work phone rang. ‘Okay I’ll pass that on.’ And after a pregnant pause; ‘Oh, okay. That was my handler, he said we’re on, we get a month of the normal club, from the middle of April. But, strictly members and staff only. No guests, no events and we’ll have to be content with the discretely armed strangers coming and going. He suggested you only actually announce it from within the portal along with the official, at least one jab plus fifteen minute test rules.’

‘And the other thing?’

‘Nothing really, just he’s heard a whisper that enquires have been made by Germany as to whether spa treatments will be available during the four days.’

‘Bugger! Baden-Baden, I never thought, I doubt Buffy did either.’

‘What?’

‘That’s the one thing they, can look down their noises at us, with, as it were, so to speak. Of course, all they’ve been seeing so far is crawfordspa.com and thinking, “oh, yes!” Get me Bernard, now!’

‘Hang-on, there, it’s ringing.’

‘Bernard, crises, drop everything, all hands to the pump, oh lord, find out who owns all the land adjacent to the Park, as of today, especially to the north, say, all the way to Grimpen Cross, and if anything is currently for sale, I want expressions of interest - everything. Now, don’t ask what it’s about, I hope I’m wrong. Just, carry on enjoying your morning coffee and your daily Kit-Kat.’

‘I’ve never seen you in a panic before!’

A couple of days later, having dropped Charlie at the Park, I drove on for a face to face with Merriweather. ‘What, no Sparkwell in tow?’

‘No, she’s doing her daily training and prep at the Park. What, no Brinkley?’

‘Best between ourselves on this one.’

‘You have the self-satisfied look of someone who knows they know more than the other person and is pondering as how best to exploit their advantage.’

‘Nonsense, I think you’ll find what I have to report rather amusing, sit thee down.’

‘Well?’

‘It’s not the Swiss, it’s your own side making enquiries.’

‘Umm.’

‘Firstly, changes to the Trust are done, give me your signature today and we’re squeaky clean and state of the art. Ms Sparkwell’s enhanced role on the charitable side is enshrined, and three out of the five suggested Trustees are already on board. Lawrence flies to Spain this week, confident that he’s on top of the post-Brexit pandemic regulations, we can come and go as we please. So, that’s all fine and dandy, no need for panic or paranoia on anyone’s part. I understand you’re thinking of keeping Mackintosh close at hand?’

‘Don’t push it.’

‘So, my enquires? Well now, officially none of the perimeter properties has changed hands since I last checked. Now, I took it upon myself to speak with the estate agent who gets the most work out that way, nothing up for sale, no informal approaches. However.’

‘Yes.’

‘You know how all property details have been put on pdfs for years now. Well, around these parts, someone has been quite thorough about indexing when archiving - and what with the industry being so incestuous...’

‘The term is digital curation; they’ve realised they’ve got an emergent search engine.’

‘Really, fascinating. And therefore...’

‘A mountain of metadata too.’

‘He went away and got an answer remarkably quickly. Firstly, within twenty-four hours of your old school chum’s arrival in Downing St. the whole of the Park area was searched from a device in the Cabinet Office!’

‘That was expected.’

‘Was it. The other sign of activity was about ten days ago, from a device in the, so apply named, Department for, Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.’

‘Official or politician?’

‘Couldn’t say.’

‘The minister is one of Buffy’s happy few.’

‘Is he. Well, that’s all what you’d expect isn’t it? A flurry of interest with your conference coming up.’

‘Yes, but that’s all organised in the Cabinet Office.’

‘Perhaps they feel frozen out? Anyway, let’s move to the conference room for the signing.’

As we came through the door there was a delivery package set in the dead centre of the large oval table. ‘Oh look, you’ve bought yourself an Owl, how forward thinking of you.’

‘Yes, trouble is, I can’t find anyone in the building willing to volunteer to set it up.’

‘Worry not, I’ll give you Fin Heptonstall’s email.’

‘Who, he?’

‘You’ve met him.’

‘Have I?’

‘He was here for about a week setting up your security system!’

‘Ah, yes, the chap Lawrence took a fancy to. Anyway, take a look at how we’ve mangled Sparkwell’s wish list, that’s the only possible point of contention.’

‘Mission statement.’

‘Whatever. Now, I’m going to be signing-up too; so, we’ll need two of the right sort of witnesses, one had better be Stollard himself, and let’s see if young Benson is in the building...’

‘Well Tony, are we all systems go?’

‘Charlie won’t like it.’

‘Yes, but with the utmost respect, she doesn’t have to. You’re the one who has to positively like it, or you should kill it now whilst you have the chance. These are the biggest changes anyone’s ever made.’

‘I love it.’

‘Thought you might. Gentlemen...’

As Bernard was showing me the door, I asked; ‘Any thoughts on how we spin this to Charlotte?’

‘Lawrence made one of his rare public witticisms when we were brainstorming it all; “This is big C conservation, not Green pipe-less dreams”.’

Back in the fresh air I reached for my mobile and switched it on, only to freeze on the spot. I took a minute or two to collect my thoughts, then like so many others, proceeded to do what I’d long decided to do, when the inevitable news came from Windsor.

54: Charlie's country house caper

‘Were you asleep?’

‘Er, yes, what time is it?’

‘Have you been lying-in all the time I was away?’

‘Well...’

‘I’m coming over.’

I had enough time to get showered and dressed, but when I got downstairs, Charlie was already moving about the kitchen with disapproval. ‘This is never going to work. How long before Merriweather fixes the garage?’

‘It’s not a fix, the fact that it’s ours has already been established, it’s just a question of how brutal Bernard has to be removing the current occupant.’

‘There’s some kit of mine in the boot, bring it in whilst I tidy-up a bit. What is on today’s schedule anyway?’

‘I’m going to show you our new local shoppe, and you are going to buy a hard copy of The Beacon!’

‘Why?’

‘Souvenir issue. I thought you’d already know that?’

‘I’ve been preoccupied with your backsliding.’

As we were walking down the hill, Charlie asked; ‘How long is your arch enemy going to keep up with all these lockdowny restrictions?’

‘For people like us, about another forty-eight hours I should think.’

‘What?’

‘We, are about to become key workers. Furthermore, long delayed improvements to the Park are suddenly going to take-off again. And of course, in four months, everything will have more than paid for itself.’

‘I love you. God knows why, but I do. Sneaky bastard.’

With no details, the quality press did their best with; ‘Privileged elite to meet at exclusive country hideaway’. Whilst, The Beacon had; ‘PICTURE EXCLUSIVE Inside Buffy’s High Tech Country Conference SEE CENTRE PAGES’

‘How did they get any of this?’

‘Off Wooley’s device of course, he was there for almost a month at election time remember? Wait till you go to your app, there’s video.’

‘Oh my God, we’re all in these pics.’

‘Yes, but imagine you’d never been there. There’s no sign of the club’s actual activities, just what the headline says.’

‘So, the Lefties are all disapproval, but the biggest readership, of ordinary people, get the inside story.’

‘Bleed’in tragic innit!’

Charlotte gathered her composure and did a thorough inspection of the shelves of our new, local retail cooperative. As we were heading back up the hill she asked; ‘So just what is my role meant to be in all of this?’

‘Well, I understand you will be contacted soon. Didn’t you give your number to the head of Buffy’s security detail?’

‘Oh, right.’

‘The idea, which we’ve only very tentatively explored so far, is that you should be Buffy’s, Special Protection Officer whenever he is in the vicinity of the Park.’

‘But they just gave me odd bits of advice about crowd control psychology...’

‘Ah! No, this is more personal. What I think he wants is for you, using your exceptional waitress come Maître d’hôtel skills, is to place yourself between him and the guests.’

‘You’re joking!’

‘You understood that one all right.’

‘Too bloody right!’

‘An uppity French president, who’s clearly been pussy-whipped his entire life. An East German house-frau, who from the look of her has been enjoying sugary fancies under the table for decades - and a US president who between falling asleep at regular intervals, is determine to show his virility!’

A week or so later we found ourselves sitting in the car in the abandoned carpark at the Park, staring at the locked-up house. We’d each received our orders via text - me from some Cabinet Office official, she from her new ‘handler’ - to be there at eight-thirty sharp.

‘We’re twenty minutes early!’

‘Well, I am a little anxious I suppose.’

‘So, just what work on this place is going to magically get done?’

‘That rather depends on how many personnel we’re allowed. A couple of gardeners - with their high-tech machinery - gets the golf course finished. Finding three or four underemployed workers from the National Truss gets the inside tarted-up. Plus, four or five of the regular staff need to be allowed back in pretty soon. The big question mark, will be communications.’

‘How come?’

‘Only the ballroom and the two adjacent withdrawing rooms have fibre optics, connecting to the antennae and the dish on the roof. All the other Wi-Fi comes via the landline telephone network, I don’t even know how far we are from the end of the fibre optic roll-out.’

‘Surely if they want more than we’ve got, they’ll have to pull springs?’

‘Absolutely. But there is a certain amount of negotiation required over who pays and presumably the work would have to start soon.’

‘There’ll come a point won’t there when you’ll lose control of the conference, I mean the whole place.’

‘Yes, and I’m reliably informed that although the contract will have a date, these things creep up on you, more and more people you know nothing about start arriving and you gradually become side-lined. I suspect you will be the only one truly on the inside come the four days. The only other people you’ll really know will be confined to the kitchen and the office.’

‘If you’ve been reading Buffy right.’

‘Indeed. Hello! A flashing light, car and mobile, well I’ll be damned. Open your window.’

‘Chopper approaching, one o’clock, Merlin.’

‘Ah. Markings?’

‘Can’t tell, just looks greyish black.’

‘Close the window.’

‘These notifications indicate someone on my network in the vicinity. Someone on that chopper and defiantly not the two people we are here to meet, someone extra.’

‘The man himself.’

‘I hope not, I know for a fact he’s meant to be opening a factory in Pontefract!’

‘Who then?’

‘Not telling, I’m having a little bet with myself.’

‘But surely you could go to, whatever counts as an address book in that system of yours?’

‘Sure, but if I open it, he, I’m assuming it is a he, will know.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘The lights flashed, because my kit picked-up his personal device on which he was searching to see if we were here. There’s always a way of knowing.’

‘Did he know, you’d know, if he located you?

‘I don’t know.’

We saw the group of suits for just a few seconds as they came along the path from the helipad. ‘I’m none the wiser.’

‘I am,’ said Charlie. I turned my head.

‘Ha! He’s pretending to be nonchalant; he’d have had to run to get here in that time.’

‘The black mask is a bit scary.’

Our visitor opened the driver’s side door. ‘Charlie! Wonderful to see you again, like old times ya?’

As she jumped out, she said; ‘He knew it was you, didn’t tell me though, lights flashing everywhere.’

‘Thanks a bunch Charlie. Discretion is more important than ever if we’re to pull this one off.’ I replied.

‘Don’t listen to the man, you’re a star, all the Navy flyers love you.’

‘What?’

‘This place, always on the fight path for them and the RAF, what with the camp on the top of the Moor, Marine training only a few miles away, everyone using the coast to navigate. Last eighteen months, they’ve all seen the transformation in the grounds...’

‘Barmy, what the hell are you doing here?’ I interrupted.

‘Navy in charge of the whole thing, controlling the air space, we’re offshore right now, those guys were inspecting the airport an hour ago, we provide the transport.’

‘You know what I meant.’

‘I’m their link man, I know the inside here, besides I’m the only person on the flagship who can get into the club portal.’

‘So, who came with the chopper?’

‘Your Cabinet Office guy, Charlie’s protection guy, the other three are spooks of some description.’

‘That’s all we need!’

‘But best bit is, according to your guy, Buffy and Carrie are the only ones in Downing St. who can access the portal, so you know, they go around showing it off to the select - good work, Heptonstall right?’

Then the house alarm system went off.

‘Oh my God!’ said Charlie.

‘Can’t even force a window.’ I said, as an aside to Barmy.

‘Shouldn’t we do something?’ She exclaimed.

‘Hang-on a second, I’ll check whose sleep-in caretaker this week. Ha! Charlie, tell your “asset” to let the burglars in.’

38: The state of my estate

‘A solicitor’s letter, sir.’

‘Seriously? Oh, I see what you mean’. There on the Charlie’s silver salver, which she had so thoughtfully shoved in my face, was what can only be described as a fake envelope. The printing had an authentic old-world effect, but the feel of the paper remained cheap and nasty. On investigation the letter too looked classic, but lacked weight. It took but a moment to read. ‘Shame the language doesn’t live up to the typeface, someone called Steve from “Estate planning” wants me to make an appointment with Bernard for my “five-year review”, whatever that is. Sounds like “make work” to me - prime the mind of the client with the thought that their Will must surely be out of date.’

‘Brinkley’s going the same way, he thinks they’re becoming just “so, retro”.’

‘A bit of niche marketing eh, going against the trend. Well, I suggest they fire their marketing consultant and invest the money in stationary that at least has a watermark, and start using the Queen’s English again.’

‘A lot changes in five years.’

‘True, but I can’t think of anything that effects my Will.’

‘You’re still the end of the line.’

‘Yes, but there are reams of appendices or codices, or whatever they call them, attached to the bloody thing already, all to allow the Trust to operate wholly as a charity, in perpetuity, if every family member dies off. That’s one of the reasons you were made an employee of the charitable arm of it.’

‘I see.’

‘Either this is just an excuse to collect another fee, or a ruse to get me in there because someone has tipped them the wink, that either or both of Julia’s and Uncle’s Wills have, well - implications.’

‘There is another possibility.’

‘Oh, really.’

‘Brinkley seems to have decided lately that not only is he my real boss, but also my own personal financial advisor.’

‘Cheeky sod.’

‘The other day he made a cryptic comment to the effect that wouldn’t I feel more secure if you and I were married.’

‘He means he’d feel more secure, there’s all sorts of work he could make for himself, I know that much, Bernard too, come to that.’

‘They’re pretty thick with each other, what’s the nature of their relationship?’

‘Ah, well, umm, my lips are sealed, you’ll hear nothing about that from me. You’re on your own there. Tell you what though, Brinkley’s first name is Lawrence, which of course he never uses - whenever he starts getting up my nose, I call him Larry.’

I took the lift to the top floor. As the doors opened, I was met by a beaming smile atop a body dressed like a wealthy farmer in town for market day. ‘Tony my lad, come along, Brinkley’s here to hold your hand, sit thee down. Lawrence has pinched my seat, so I’ll do the pacing up and down for all three of us. Now then, to business, the thing is, we feel you should consider updating your Will, bring it in line with the current situation.’

‘What current situation? I’ve been racking my brain; I can’t think of any changes.’

‘Well, if you really have no instructions for us? Let’s say we take the opportunity to clear the air. We worry, it’s our job to. Fifty this year Tony. More than thirty years since we first met…’

‘You know Bernard, I’m a great believer in the “need to know principle”, even, on occasion, between close friends and colleagues. Wouldn’t you agree?’

‘Oh, absolutely! You’re with us on that aren’t you Lawrence?’

‘Observing the boundaries.’

‘If you two had been formally made aware of something, you’d have put it on paper already. Instead, you want me to chat away about all I’ve been doing in the hope that I will inform you of whatever you’ve heard a whisper of.’

‘We hate gossip Tony, we like facts. You fly pretty high these days, we’re just a couple of country bumpkins really, retirement creeping up on us, getting a step slow, youth running rings around us. Expect you feel a bit like that yourself. Feeling comfortably settled with your current partner? Lawrence is very impressed by her.’

‘Met him, have you?’

‘Who?’

‘Been up against him in court? Leading counsel for the prosecution. Appeared on circuit often enough I’m told. Head of a Chambers in Middle Temple now, does a lot work for HM Treasury… She was twelve the first time she felt she had no choice but to leave...’

‘Now Tony, we don’t need to get into all of this…’

‘You want instructions? Let me tell how it’s going to be. I won’t be the least offended if you feel the need to take notes Brinkley. That Trust, with all its out mode-ed clauses was set up to protect the widows, orphans and unmarried daughters of a large extended family. And that’s precisely what it's going to continue to do, keeping them in the style to which they are accustomed, no more, no less. My Will, as presently constituted, is entirely compatible with that. If I absentmindedly fall under a bus as a result of the stress of talking to you two; then you two, as Charlotte’s employer, landlord and executor of her common law husband - the principal beneficiary of the Trust - simply follow the rules. You know, she and I we’re young at heart, in our heads we’re still twenty-one, me irresponsible and she foolishly devoted, much better if you keep a tight rein on us with my monthly allowance and her subsistence wages.’ At which point I got up leave. ‘There’s only one way that lady is ever going to walk down the aisle, and that’s if her father arranges for the bishop to preside in our ancient cathedral, with him paying for all the trimmings, you might mention that the next time you find yourself doing a fraud case on behalf a wealthy member of the county set.’

‘Tony! Let me walk you out.’

‘Now who was it, who said that advocacy has practically nothing to do with the law? Good day to you, bonny Ber-nard!’

When I arrived home, I was shocked to find Charlie sat on the sofa watching tv, for all the world like a regular member of society. ‘What on earth is going on?’

‘Your arch enemy just got sixty-five point something per cent of the vote, he’s to kiss hands with the Queen in three days.’

‘It’s, kiss the hand of, Charlie, it’s not a mutual thing.’

‘What will she make of him?’

‘I would think he’d make quite a good impression, he’s more of a royalist than any of his recent predecessors. Anyway, he had a proper upbringing, so he knows the form when it comes to protocol and all that. The only danger for him is her parting shot could well be “Oh, and Mr Trumpton - get yourself a haircut.” ’