‘A solicitor’s letter, sir.’
‘Seriously? Oh, I see what you mean’. There on the Charlie’s silver salver, which she had so thoughtfully shoved in my face, was what can only be described as a fake envelope. The printing had an authentic old-world effect, but the feel of the paper remained cheap and nasty. On investigation the letter too looked classic, but lacked weight. It took but a moment to read. ‘Shame the language doesn’t live up to the typeface, someone called Steve from “Estate planning” wants me to make an appointment with Bernard for my “five-year review”, whatever that is. Sounds like “make work” to me - prime the mind of the client with the thought that their Will must surely be out of date.’
‘Brinkley’s going the same way, he thinks they’re becoming just “so, retro”.’
‘A bit of niche marketing eh, going against the trend. Well, I suggest they fire their marketing consultant and invest the money in stationary that at least has a watermark, and start using the Queen’s English again.’
‘A lot changes in five years.’
‘True, but I can’t think of anything that effects my Will.’
‘You’re still the end of the line.’
‘Yes, but there are reams of appendices or codices, or whatever they call them, attached to the bloody thing already, all to allow the Trust to operate wholly as a charity, in perpetuity, if every family member dies off. That’s one of the reasons you were made an employee of the charitable arm of it.’
‘I see.’
‘Either this is just an excuse to collect another fee, or a ruse to get me in there because someone has tipped them the wink, that either or both of Julia’s and Uncle’s Wills have, well - implications.’
‘There is another possibility.’
‘Oh, really.’
‘Brinkley seems to have decided lately that not only is he my real boss, but also my own personal financial advisor.’
‘Cheeky sod.’
‘The other day he made a cryptic comment to the effect that wouldn’t I feel more secure if you and I were married.’
‘He means he’d feel more secure, there’s all sorts of work he could make for himself, I know that much, Bernard too, come to that.’
‘They’re pretty thick with each other, what’s the nature of their relationship?’
‘Ah, well, umm, my lips are sealed, you’ll hear nothing about that from me. You’re on your own there. Tell you what though, Brinkley’s first name is Lawrence, which of course he never uses - whenever he starts getting up my nose, I call him Larry.’
I took the lift to the top floor. As the doors opened, I was met by a beaming smile atop a body dressed like a wealthy farmer in town for market day. ‘Tony my lad, come along, Brinkley’s here to hold your hand, sit thee down. Lawrence has pinched my seat, so I’ll do the pacing up and down for all three of us. Now then, to business, the thing is, we feel you should consider updating your Will, bring it in line with the current situation.’
‘What current situation? I’ve been racking my brain; I can’t think of any changes.’
‘Well, if you really have no instructions for us? Let’s say we take the opportunity to clear the air. We worry, it’s our job to. Fifty this year Tony. More than thirty years since we first met…’
‘You know Bernard, I’m a great believer in the “need to know principle”, even, on occasion, between close friends and colleagues. Wouldn’t you agree?’
‘Oh, absolutely! You’re with us on that aren’t you Lawrence?’
‘Observing the boundaries.’
‘If you two had been formally made aware of something, you’d have put it on paper already. Instead, you want me to chat away about all I’ve been doing in the hope that I will inform you of whatever you’ve heard a whisper of.’
‘We hate gossip Tony, we like facts. You fly pretty high these days, we’re just a couple of country bumpkins really, retirement creeping up on us, getting a step slow, youth running rings around us. Expect you feel a bit like that yourself. Feeling comfortably settled with your current partner? Lawrence is very impressed by her.’
‘Met him, have you?’
‘Who?’
‘Been up against him in court? Leading counsel for the prosecution. Appeared on circuit often enough I’m told. Head of a Chambers in Middle Temple now, does a lot work for HM Treasury… She was twelve the first time she felt she had no choice but to leave...’
‘Now Tony, we don’t need to get into all of this…’
‘You want instructions? Let me tell how it’s going to be. I won’t be the least offended if you feel the need to take notes Brinkley. That Trust, with all its out mode-ed clauses was set up to protect the widows, orphans and unmarried daughters of a large extended family. And that’s precisely what it's going to continue to do, keeping them in the style to which they are accustomed, no more, no less. My Will, as presently constituted, is entirely compatible with that. If I absentmindedly fall under a bus as a result of the stress of talking to you two; then you two, as Charlotte’s employer, landlord and executor of her common law husband - the principal beneficiary of the Trust - simply follow the rules. You know, she and I we’re young at heart, in our heads we’re still twenty-one, me irresponsible and she foolishly devoted, much better if you keep a tight rein on us with my monthly allowance and her subsistence wages.’ At which point I got up leave. ‘There’s only one way that lady is ever going to walk down the aisle, and that’s if her father arranges for the bishop to preside in our ancient cathedral, with him paying for all the trimmings, you might mention that the next time you find yourself doing a fraud case on behalf a wealthy member of the county set.’
‘Tony! Let me walk you out.’
‘Now who was it, who said that advocacy has practically nothing to do with the law? Good day to you, bonny Ber-nard!’
When I arrived home, I was shocked to find Charlie sat on the sofa watching tv, for all the world like a regular member of society. ‘What on earth is going on?’
‘Your arch enemy just got sixty-five point something per cent of the vote, he’s to kiss hands with the Queen in three days.’
‘It’s, kiss the hand of, Charlie, it’s not a mutual thing.’
‘What will she make of him?’
‘I would think he’d make quite a good impression, he’s more of a royalist than any of his recent predecessors. Anyway, he had a proper upbringing, so he knows the form when it comes to protocol and all that. The only danger for him is her parting shot could well be “Oh, and Mr Trumpton - get yourself a haircut.” ’
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