116: Girl porter

‘I feel left out.’ So mused Sparkwell.

‘But you’re always at the heart of the action.’

‘I may be present, but mostly I’m observing your actions!’

‘But your life is busier and more demanding than mine.’

‘Precisely, sir. Such is the lot of the deputy-assistant-undermanager throughout history.’

‘It’s an age thing. I’m the brains and you’re the brawn.’

‘Be afraid, be very afraid.’ And after a short pause; ‘What I meant was this railway caper of yours, not life in general.’

‘Ah! Well, an idea did occur to me some time ago, but I’m not sure you’d approve, you’d be the ideal person to, but...’

‘What?’

‘That you should be the “face” of the English Riviera Railway.’

‘As in model?’

‘As in poster girl.’

‘But railways are kind of, boys’ toys.’ So said Charlie, tinkering with her coffee machine.

‘Yes, and that’s one of the things we just can’t get away with any more. Especially a project such as this, dependant as we are on lots of volunteers and community support.’

‘Oh no! Not another woman in a masculine role.’

‘Girl porter, the cheeky chappie, tripling her wages in tips. Traditionally, porters at mainline London termini made a very good living!’

‘This would just be for a photoshoot?’

‘Well, maybe a screen printed, nineteen thirties style railway poster too. Oh, and the occasional opening.’

‘Opening?’

‘Cutting of ribbons etcetera. The problem would be finding an authentic looking uniform...’

‘But my picture could end-up, anywhere?’

‘Well yes, once we become popular. Permission to invite Edoardo for a lunch at the club?’

‘Exploratory talks only, at which I’ll be present. And of course, there would be both one-off fees and repeats coming with wider exploitation.’

‘Undoubtedly.’

‘Dear lady, a pleasure to meet you again. You’ve been neglecting me; it must be all of twelve months.’

‘I’ve not had the chance to wear-out any of your clothes yet.’ Charlie replied.

‘Tony! Is this true? More evenings out, I think. More trips to fashionable locations.’

‘Eddie.’ He was clearly in Edoardo mode, playing up the Italian side of his descent, in what for him was definitely a posh location. ‘Been enjoying more trips to Gstaad?’

‘No, we don’t go back. You just need to see it once I think. Very generous client, but showing off. You, you buy me lunch because you want something, value for money guy, more equitable.'

Cockney Eddie was sensing fun, as well as the money. ‘Order whatever you feel you’re worth, my dear fellow.’

‘So, Tony. You’re still going for the short hair, rather than the distinguished grey, like myself.’

‘Charlie is fully in charge of matters of style and taste these days, if you want to get to me, you have to get to her.’

‘But we all have our little affectations, you go for the flowery buttonhole, I the coloured handkerchief in the top pocket.’

‘Tony has a scheme, Eddie! A project. In which apparently, I’m just the pretty face.’

‘Anthony, how could you!’

The next forty minutes or so, despite intermittent chatter, seemed to consist in me watching Eddie eat, whilst I picked at my food, under the watchful eye.

‘So, this project involves clothes for Charlotte presumably, otherwise why would I be here?’

‘You’ve heard of this idea of extending the heritage railway?’

‘Sure. So, you’ve got a finger in that now.’

‘In a very modest way, I’m no expert on railways, but it seems a good bet for a small investment by the Trust.’

‘Don’t fall for the false modesty, he’s in it up to his eyeballs!’

‘I am merely a facilitator.’

‘Okay, I believe you.’ He replied.

‘I had an idea that Charlotte should be the face of the publicity campaign. Now obviously everything is modelled on the old Great Western Railway, better known as just the GWR, but also known as God’s Wonderful Railway. I thought she could be a sort of mascot, the cheery porter, there to serve, but she’d need an authentic looking uniform, and maybe with your contacts, such as Sally, you could make that happen.’

‘But why?’

‘Well at worst for the money! By the way, I note that both Charlotte and I are currently significantly in credit with you. But really, I imagined you might find it an interesting project, something to grab your interest, something other than using up your semi-retirement hours doing routine repairs?’

‘You know, once I was thought of as one of the best, the finest stitching applied to the finest cloth. You could have offered me the General Manager, or at least the Chief Mechanical Engineer, the designer of fine locomotives, but no you come to me for the lowest of the low, the cheapest of workman’s clothes. Not even worthy of a silver railway pocket watch.’

‘I never had you down as a snob Edoardo!’

‘I’m not talking that kind of class, I’m talking skill, quality, expertise.’

‘But I am talking about skill, it’s a performance, an illusion, like your valet uniforms. In the act of creating a uniform to fit Charlie, you transform. A tuck here, a tuck there. Suddenly the figure hugging trouser and the not quite big enough waistcoat...’

‘Okay, enough of the mansplaining.’ Chipped in Charlie.

‘Well? You hesitate Eddie, not like you at all. There’s something else isn’t there.’

‘You know my doctor would be most disapproving of my diet today.’

‘Well yes, I can imagine.’

‘All my life I have strived for the good things. When you get them, the medical profession tells you it’s too late to enjoy them. Just watching you two makes me feel guilty.’

‘Yes, well, I must confess, were it not for the presence of Charlie I’d probably be joining in with you. I’m sure she’d be willing to take you on as a private client; relaxation, therapeutic massage, meditation, a little gentle yoga - you’d come away a man transformed...’ Eddie looked like he was about to choke on his jam roll and spray the finest cream custard over all of us.

After much coughing; ‘My life would be intolerable. Oh! No disrespect to you my dear. I’m sure you provide a valuable service to those willing to live in the modern world. You are Anthony’s, what’s the name I’m looking for, a new thing people are calling themselves, a “Performance Consultant”, that’s the one.’

‘Oh, yes. She’s definitely that, in all domains!’

Then Charlie suggested; ‘Let’s take our coffees in front of the open fire Eddie. Oh! I almost forgot Tony, the club sec said he wanted a word earlier.’

‘Then I’ll join you later.’ If Charlie had an intervention up her sleeve, I was more than happy to let her take point.

When I returned to the lounge they were gone. Charlie caught up with me as I was loitering around the entrance, trying to work out what action to take over the latest games room notice; ‘No Recreational Play Permitted’, a good joke, Cat’s work no doubt, but it really couldn’t be allowed to stand. Ah, well.

‘He’s in!’ She said without pausing, making strides for the car.

‘What did I miss?’

‘He just wants a cut of the action with the railway that’s all. I got him to talk about his childhood. He’s south London, right sentiment old boy, just the wrong railway, he’s the Southern, rival routes to the west country. Our Eddie, as a young lad, spent the swinging sixties spotting on Waterloo Station!’

82: Offers to treat

‘You haven’t asked what the agenda is today?’ I spoke.

‘I don’t need to.’ She replied.

‘Oh, yes?’

‘We, are taking a hike, to town.’

‘Oh lord, walk two miles around the hills to go half a mile as the crow flies.’

‘Wrong, I have a short cut, to get you to a haircut with Margot.’

‘Do we have to?’

‘Yes. I’ve lost control of your hair, it’s become lop-sided. Besides, we have other commissions too.’

‘Well, just don’t do this tomorrow, we have a long day’s negotiations at our HQ at the old bank.’

Sparkwell led me out via the tradesman’s entrance. We proceeded passed our new garage. ‘If all goes well tomorrow, Jack will get a down payment within hours and we will have secured the new car, hopefully the same colour, but I suppose the bumpers will look slightly different, like on the one we took to France.’

‘When I was sweeping out the inside, I had the thought it might make parking easier if we painted the interior white.’

‘But driver-assisted works perfectly well in the dark!’

‘But I like it switched-off, I told you it kept cutting-in when I was crashing around country lanes.’

‘I’ll concede it is inherently de-skilling. But I should warn you, once Jack has modified the new car, he will be doing computer upgrades on the old one.’

‘Right, we take a right here.’

Having descended on the town remarkably quickly, I got a five-minute rest whilst Margot performed her corrective procedures. Throughout she remained in instructor mode, they both seemed to find endless fascination in the crown of my head! Afterwards, Charlie apologised for not hanging around saying we were on a tight schedule and nudged me to pay and go. ‘What’s the urgency?’ I asked.

‘Edoardo will be leaving the workshop at twelve-thirty sharp.’

‘Yes, probably none of my business, but er... Why are we?’

‘I have the final items of my wardrobe to pick up, the formal wear.’

‘And you’re not talking about more uniforms, are you?’

‘No, formal wear. Well, it’s bound to happen. After all, you have various paraphernalia; even a complete morning suit, not to mention proper black bow ties, a couple of stiff collars, even a white mess jacket!’

‘You don’t have any particular event in mind?’

‘No.’

‘You, young lady, are getting ideas above your station!’

‘We’re all old friends and we trust each other.’ So said a beaming Bernard as Charlie was pouring out coffee. None of us seemed to have an answer to that, so his comment was left hanging in the air.

The silence was broken by Brinkley; ‘Our coffees always taste so much better when made by a proper barista.’

‘Why, thank you, Brinkley, though one shouldn’t underestimate the benefit of the china service, insisted upon by the late Mrs Hayward.’ She replied.

‘Oh, do sit down Ms Sparkwell, we’re all equals now. My point is, Tony, Lawrence and I are full voting board members of the Trust, Charlotte, you attend all meetings and get to vote on charity matters. You are also contracted by the Trust as are Lawrence and myself. The Trust owns this building, a large chunk of Crawford Park and much else besides.’

‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave.’ Offered Brinkley.

‘Please don’t interrupt Lawrence! All I’m saying is, can we for the purposes of this meeting all agree to hearing about the Mrs Tufnell and Captain Forsyth wills, Tony’s request for extraordinary funds, and, consequently, how one should approach this afternoon’s meeting of the trustees?’

‘Yes.’ I replied.

‘So, firstly, Tony, you have given me a copy of Mrs Tufnell’s bequests, now I don’t see how the matter pertains to anyone but yourself, unless and until you take possession of anything and subsequently care to gift it to the Trust. The situation with Captain Forsyth is potentially more complicated. You, Charlotte, will have executor’s rights until all disbursements are made. But anything turned into cash, will up the residue that is intended for our local homeless charity. However, possessions not specifically mentioned, could simply be gifted by you, to anyone. I suggested to the captain, that he specify how the yacht should be disposed of. He said he had hopes, given - in his words - it’s “historical uniqueness”, that it might go to the Maritime Historical Society. I have spoken to Thayer; he has links to the upmarket boat dwellers and the word has come back that the vessel might be expected to reach in excess of five million. Obviously, a real incentive for the homeless charity. My advice, get the captain’s intentions in writing, otherwise you will be left to decide, and you may feel a conflict of interest since you sit on the homeless committee. Questions?’

‘Yes, the reason I mentioned Mrs Tufnell, is that it will probably fall to me to take charge of her late husband’s papers, he had some sort of business relationship with my father, not as yet fully determined. I suppose there is the outside possibility of other occurrences, not unlike the Crimean gold.’

‘Good lord!’ Said Bernard.

‘Just a hunch you understand.’

‘You’re more than welcome to cross reference with anything in the Trust archive anytime.’ Added Brinkley.

‘I’ll talk to Captain Bob again,’ said Charlie, ‘but if he doesn’t act, then my priority would be to find the right home for the yacht, and if it involved a sale, then the cash goes to the shelter, end of story.’

‘Thank goodness Tony has no involvement, he’d instantly see a myriad of money-making opportunities in the situation! Which brings us neatly to your request for funds.’

Ignoring Bernard’s sarcasm, I pitched in; ‘Yes, we wish to avail ourselves of the opportunity to invest in our last new petrol car. The latest version of what we’ve got now. However, since it will be an appreciating asset, like the current one, we propose running the two cars, one each.’

‘Ah. Mmm.’ Said Bernard.

Then, after a pause, Brinkley smiled and said; ‘I did a while ago suggest to Charlotte that the existing car might be reassigned to her, in her role as Carer.’ Oh, Larry, I thought to myself, what a sweetie you are. ‘And of course, Tony could continue with the new car under existing arrangements.’

Bernard looked at Brinkley like a parent upon an innocent child. ‘You and Charlotte should form a pair at Bridge sometime, whilst Tony and I make for the poker room.’

Then, as I was thinking, no need to invoke special clauses or indeed make concessions at all, Brinkley replied; ‘It’s against your religion Bernard, as I’ve often had to remind you.’

‘Ah! Yes, now, how is the Church of England, gentlemen?’ I enquired.

‘Much as always, Lawrence still does the cathedral books from time to time.’

‘And what about you?’

‘Oh, very occasionally I may arbitrate over minor matters as Chancellor for the diocese.’

‘Oh my god!’ Said Charlie; ‘You’re the Grand Inquisitor! Defrocked any priests lately? Burnt any witches?’

‘The camera for each seat is voice activated Charlie, if you’re remote it’s just the usual boxes on the screen, but if you’re in the room, then from certain angles it gives the illusion of having a swivel head, that’s why it’s called an Owl.’

‘Ladies and gentlemen, if I may call this meeting to order, item one...’ To give Bernard his due, as chair he has a masterful command of the room, dovetailing perfectly with Brinkley as the humble secretary who only on very rare occasions needs to pass him a note, or indeed speak at all. Our other trustees were appearing remotely, one from Geneva where he was giving some sort of expert advice to one of the sprawling committees of the IPCC. The other, from his brutalist breeze block study in a university department whose reputation thankfully rose well above the architecture. Bernard chose his words with care; classic, vintage, historical, along with appreciating asset, low usage, minimum emissions etc.

‘So, that was your scheme, ha! The old boy network would give you the grand cathedral wedding you think you deserve.’

‘Only idle speculation really, just the way my mind works I’m afraid.’

‘Nice try sunbeam, nice try.’

62: The dinner party

‘Remind me, why are we doing this?’

‘Because we have been invited to be sociable, like any normal couple.’

‘Just don’t expect me to reciprocate.’

‘That’s already understood. Besides, we are merely invited to join the family for dinner, it’s not a do.’

‘Yes, but what’s Daphne’s idea of dinner when Barmy is at home?’

‘Getting the sprogs to sit-up at the table one imagines. No, but there is a massive irony to this, I admit. The two of them are living a classic, upwardly mobile, aspirational, middle class, suburban lifestyle - and schooling their children in it - and yet, they are rolling in cash and both had posher upbringings!’

‘This is going to be Mum and Dad all over again.’

‘Shades of it, yes, I would imagine.’

‘So, what do I say, about, coming over to us next time?’

‘Nothing. Look, Daphne is an ex-lover, Barmy a tech rival, this is all about them getting an entrée to the Villa so they can go over it with fine toothcomb!’

‘You mean I should relax because I’m in the driving seat.’

‘Besides, you’re going to knock them sideways with that outfit, where did it come from?’

‘Edoardo of course. Well, he did the alterations, finished it.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘He’s been acquiring a wardrobe for me. There’s this couple, part of his network, been touring warehouses during lockdown, he had them put me on their client list. “On social occasions you must be Tony’s equal, I make this happen.” He’s being very, obliging, is that the word?’

‘You know damn well it is. I’m more of a bloody consort now, I’ll try and be like the late Duke, rise above it. Oh! Use their concrete drive, pull up next to the monstrous people carrier.’

Moments later the front door opened and two teenage girls came running from the house. ‘Hi, Tony! Hello there, I’m Melisa, she’s Belinda. Mummy said it would be alright if we came out and groped your car.’

‘Be my guest.’

We left them to it and wandered in. ‘I’m in the lounge, Tony!’ Daphne was observing the drive from the window. ‘They’re too thin. I’m sure of it. What do you think Charlotte?’

‘Do they get out of breath with moderate exercise?’

‘Well no. But they’ve become gym rats now! That tires them, they’re out like a light at night.’

‘Well, that’s good.’

‘But they never eat!’

‘You mean you don’t see them eat.’

‘Well, I suppose so.’

‘They’d never keep up at the gym without a cheeseburger and fries on the side.’

‘Oh, right, I see, I think. Barmy’s in the shed, I’ll call him in. I’ve decided Tony, when the girls bugger off, to give him space upstairs. He’s very impressed with your set-up by the way.’

And a minute later; ‘Charlie! You look stunning. Welcome to Castle Gruber. You killed’em in the Games Room! “An outcome devoutly to be wished”, as your poet said. Oh! Enough said.’

‘Daddy, why don’t we have a proper car?’

‘We do, a work horse, perfect for what is required, in every respect. Besides, Tony’s car is the most dangerous on the road.’

‘Really! Because of its footprint?’

‘Because of its lack, of a footprint.’

‘How come?’

‘Use your device, both of you, I’ll give you one hour, find out all you can about it.’

‘Oh really, Barmy!’ Interceded Daphne.

‘They never explain you know, why she calls him Barmy? I know you know.’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ I replied.

‘But he never calls her barmy back!’

‘Oh, I see what you mean. Well, I suppose it must have been one day in about nineteen eighty-three, Cat Mackintosh and I were...’

‘Not at the dining table, thank you Tony. We’ll stick with current affairs.’

When they were allowed down from the table they headed outside again. Daphne advised; ‘You’d better keep a watching eye, Tony.’ So, I went back into the lounge. At first, they stared at their screens bemused, then one of them had the idea of taking pictures, they were quite systematic, front, back, side elevation and dashboard. It wouldn’t help them right now, but in days to come, picture search feedback, via whatever their personalisation was - was probably their best bet of getting anywhere!

‘Daddy, this is hopeless, it doesn’t exist.’

‘But it’s sitting outside.’

‘Are you a secret agent Tony?’

‘Certainty not!’

‘I didn’t think so, it’s just things have been a bit odd around here since Daddy started working for our side. And all our teachers are anti-Brexit!’

‘It’s a very good Academy darling.’

‘You always say that Mummy. What does “precocious” mean Tony?’

‘Trouble.’

‘Tony! Stop letting the side down.’ Exclaimed Daphne. ‘She’s laying it on, she’s normally more grown-up.’

‘I knew it, that’s what I am, it’s official, in the school report.’

Soon, Barmy announced; ‘Let’s leave these folks to it Tony, I need to update you on the latest in the office.’

After some minutes of technical talk, I asked; ‘Is your Melisa turning out like us?’

He nodded. ‘I’ve always known, it’s just in the last year or so she’s turned more like you. I mean don’t get me wrong, she could still collect a First in any science subject at a university, but she’d never do original work. Just absorbs everything, gets straight A in every subject and gets bored as hell. But the enthusiasm, is all for the social, psychological stuff.’

‘Daphne?’

‘She doesn’t see it. I always told myself if I ever had a child, I wouldn’t let the same kind of stuff happen to them as...’

‘Of course. Permission to have a go, stick my oar in?’

‘You’ll have to keep Daphne on side.’

‘Yes, that’s the only tricky bit.’

‘Well thank you for a lovely evening Daphne, I understand Barmy’s off to the other carrier now. Why don’t we arrange for the three of you to come over to the Villa for a Tea on the patio, our gardener thinks we’re in for a glorious summer.’

‘Well, I can’t guarantee they won’t gnaw at the furniture.’

‘Mother! Thank you, Tony. We would be delighted to attend, wouldn’t we Bel?’

‘Well, that was different!’

‘Wasn’t it just.’

‘Do I need a brief, on shed activities?’

‘More tech developments, but really I need to practice more with the kit I’ve got, rather than try and keep up with the latest.’

‘Daphne trailed me as an expert on health and fitness.’

‘Oh, jolly good. What did you make of the girls?’

‘Why are you asking me?’

‘Well, outsiders view, fresh perspective.’

‘They seem happy enough, Daphne’s the one who seems anxious on everyone’s behalf. Has she always turned to you, when she’s stressed-out?’

‘Pretty much.’

‘I know it works, but how? You never actually counsel her.’

‘It’s something about just being there, presence, regressing a bit to carefree youth. Paying attention, as in attending to. Creating an atmosphere of, everything’s alright with the world.’

‘Feeling safe.’

‘In a word.’

‘Two words. How did they actually meet? Did you introduce them?

‘No, no. Not my machinations at all. After school Barmy was spirited away to one of those ancient German institutes. No, they met quite independently about ten years after she and I had been an item. I don’t actually know how, never been told, but I suspect Daphne’s father had a hand in it.’

‘What was he?’

‘Something in government service.’

‘I know where she got that accent.’

‘That’s what I love about her, she uses it so well, she’s truly literate, has genuine wit, immaculate timing.’

‘Go on, out you get, whilst I garage the car, sir.’

28: Bespoke Charlie

‘That was a bit weird.’

‘Wasn’t it just.’

‘I read The Cinder Yard by Maria Chapelle years ago, wartime bonking amongst the working classes. I wonder who’s choice it was? I could feel the chorus of disapproval from the kitchen.’

‘Perhaps they thought, elderly local writer, can’t go wrong with her!’

‘Back to the apartment?’

‘Home Charlie and don’t spare the horses. Oh, a notification. Good lord. You know you were going on about getting my clothes altered the other day.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I messaged Edoardo straightaway because he’s really quite successful in his own way, just has a few clients now and doesn’t have to work, so one really needs to book in advance and just wait. Well, he’s replying from Gstaad would you believe, says they’ve been lent a chalet by a grateful client. Well! He won’t get that kind of a freebie from me - I know too much about his past. He’s given me a date in ten days.'

When it finally came time, we trudged through the winter rain. ‘Where are we going?’

‘It’s a bit of a hike I know, but since he downsized from London, he doesn’t need expensive frontage, just workshop space.’

‘So is it just him or does he employ people?’

‘Well, I think these days it’s only him dealing with the customers, negotiating, measuring, doing bits of added design work, buying cloth, and I think he does all the cutting too. So, depending on demand, he just has a couple of seamstresses who get hired on an ad-hoc basis. He calls them his ‘girls’, but of course you never get to see them, I suspect they’re as ancient as he is.’

‘So he’s Italian right? The family trade?’

‘Well, yes and no. It’s many generations since any of the family were born in Italy and he was the first to take up tailoring, I think originally they were one of the Glasgow ice cream families, but I may be wrong about that. But he will lay on the Italian thing for customers if he thinks it’s to his advantage. Don’t get me wrong, he’s top class at his work, but a Londoner born and bred. “Edoardo” is an affectation I join in with when it suits me. Here we are. I rather suspect that Gstaad, is the closest he’s ever been to Italy!’

‘Mr Benedetti, good morning to you.’

‘And the same to you sir, come along in.’

‘This is my new PA, Ms Sparkwell, she’s brought along the items in question, also there is what I’m wearing!’

‘So I can see, a most remarkable transformation, let’s make a start right away then, we can talk as we go, this will have to be an ongoing project throughout the spring, there will be more items I assume in the fullness of time Ms Sparkwell, or may I call you Charlie?’

‘Er, yes. Well, his whole wardrobe really.’

‘Okay, well I’ll commit to anything we’ve made for you, you will be charged just for the labour, however many hours it takes the girls. But it is going to be about a ten-day turnaround on each outfit, it’s going to add up to a lot Tony.’

‘I realise that, and I appreciate the time and trouble, I - perhaps I should say we - may also have a new commission for you today. Just what have you heard about us Eddie?’

‘Discretion Tony, I’d be out of business if ever…’

‘I’m not asking you to reveal your sources, just what do you understand of our, relationship?’

‘ “Miss Charlotte” was the form of address if I recall, a sort of personal trainer come personal assistant who seems increasingly to behave like a gentleman’s valet from movies of the nineteen thirties.’

‘That is our public persona, and it works. Charlie can do the work of three and blend into the background at the same time, we’re looking for the look Eddie, a woman in men’s clothing, but still very much a woman, a classic look, but someone who doesn’t look out of place shimmering across the hallway of a great house or grand hotel lobby today.’

‘Okay, this is expensive, two outfits, it will cost as much as two new suits for you.’

‘Explain.’

‘First the feminine. It’s nothing to do with the clothes, it’s in the walk and therefore the shoes, two pairs, heels but no more than say inch and a half, bit of a lift, but okay for suddenly picking up luggage etc. Right? You must go to your London shoemaker, take advice, nothing to do with me, also hair always as you have it now, showing the back of neck, it’s a draw, so you in charge. Most of this you have already, I know, I see it when you arrive. Clothes is the difficult bit. Okay, changing room, next outfit.’

Three minutes later. ‘What you have to understand is that the cloth has to be inferior to yours Tony, not what we have here; tough and hard wearing for sure, but the servant mustn’t out shine you, besides, what can the servant - albeit a very good one - afford? He, in this case she, has to have clothes that fit well because they are working clothes, like the craftsman of old in the workshop wearing tie, waistcoat, jacket on the side etc. I think I have to bring in Sally, she can be our buyer, then I will commit to altering whatever she can find.’

‘Who the hell is Sally?’ I called from behind the curtain as I changed again.

‘She was an assistant to a costume designer in the movies for years.’ Edoardo was pinning his notes to the items he’d already marked as I emerged for yet more frisking and fondling. ‘I set-up a meeting between Charlie and her, girls-only thing, then we wait, ask no questions about where the clothes actually come from, I pay Sally’s price no questions asked. Repair, alteration, cleaning we do here, all at the same time.’

‘How long does all this take?’

‘Who can say, but good project, I like the idea.’

‘How about I say that as soon as you get clothes for Charlie, you suspend work on my alterations, that would speed things up?’

‘Good, good. But separate, separate new account for Charlotte please, different payment right.’

‘Okay, let’s say I prime my account with 10k, and another 20k for this new arrangement?’

‘You’re a gentleman, sir.’

‘Mouth closed Charlie, breathing gently through the nose. How was Gstaad, Eddie?’

‘Lovely accommodation, lovely long walks, couldn’t afford to buy anything or eat out of course, but who cares, the best things in life are free.’

‘Have you gone completely nuts!’ It had stopped raining now. We were wandering back to the car.

‘I don’t think so. What do I always say about staying rich?’

‘But how the hell do you get your money back on this? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s expensive because it’s quality, classy, understated, subtle, most people won’t notice and those who do will be fashionable women who admire a slightly masculine cut!

‘Precisely so.’

‘Well?’

‘With the blokes it’s unconscious. Firstly I’m known for being the best dressed male in the room, naturally my “servant” is top draw. But the thing is, and it’s only in the last month or so that I’ve really begun to appreciate this, people want to be associated with you, as much as with me, more in some cases. Have you worked out what all your tips add-up to over a month, added in the things paid for by others on your behalf, gifts - like those Christmas presents?’

‘I don’t have to tell you that!’

‘Of course not, but do you know? People are beginning to wish they had someone like you. Besides, it won’t come to twenty grand if I’m any judge, but the account will be in your name and in credit. It’ll give you a start, Edoardo is well connected in the world of the well-dressed. I still can’t get over Gstaad, that’s like après ski with the producers of movies, the owners of F1 teams…’

25: Ghosts of Christmases past

‘Your mail, sir.’

My eye was caught by something bright and shiny entering my periphery. ‘Oh, we like that, we like that a lot, where on earth did you get it?’ Charlie was brandishing a silver tray or platter of some description upon which was a single printed letter, three apparent items of junk mail and the latest edition of The Countrywoman in a plastic wrapper.

‘I found it in a charity shop, I’ve been buffing it up. I hadn’t realised how polishing could be made an exercise in mindfulness.’

‘Oh well! In that case, you’ll find my handmade shoes at the bottom of the wardrobe.’

‘That reminds me I must sort through your clothes, some will need discarding, but most just need altering so they hang properly on your new body. I’m looking forward to meeting your tailor, never met one before.’

‘Yes, I suppose it has to be faced. Edoardo is going to love you, you’ll both be on my case in seconds, I don’t stand a chance.’ Then a thought suddenly struck me. ‘You know, he’s a bit of a sportsman, if you to hit it off, and he appreciates what we’re about, he might have some ideas about how to dress you.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘In your role, to use Daphne’s expression, as my valette.’


Later, as I was concluding a brief perusal of the magazine I couldn’t help wondering what the advertising said about the readership. Inside the back cover the entire page was given over to ‘bespoke’ fencing for an authentic ‘heritage’ effect, supplied by Woodlast Woodcrafts Ltd of Wellingsfield. Well, if it pays the bills I thought.

‘Julia has asked me to become a guest columnist.’

‘Excellent.’ I replied.

‘I’m not sure. There is lots I could say, it’s just I’ve never done that kind of writing.’

‘I’d be more than happy to edit you.’

‘She says most of the magazine has become too old fashioned, but she’s afraid of losing the readers she’s got. Her editor says she wants me to write about wellbeing and ecotherapy, but without the naff language. She says the column needs a title. I can’t image what.’

I found a piece of scrap paper and scribbled “The Home Wood Spirit”. ‘Just off the top of my head, as a start, traditional and modern?’

‘How do you do that? Get started I mean. Creating stuff.’

‘By knowing that the first attempt won’t be great, but then it doesn’t need to be. It just has to get you started.’

‘So how do you know when you’re finished?’

‘Well most people have deadlines. But you should know something can never be perfect, so you stop when it’s good enough, for now!’


‘So what do you normally do for Christmas?’ She said it like she was dreading the answer.

‘Well, it’s always been a sort of back and forth movement between Aunts as you might imagine, just a little less so whenever I’ve been involved with someone. The last couple of years it’s been Checkley for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then to Aunt Elisabeth’s for a Tea with the Book Club on Boxing Day.’

‘A book club on Boxing Day!’

‘Yes, it started life as an ordinary book club, hosted by a local library, but over the years it’s become all Auntie’s cronies, so they now tend to meet in each other’s houses.’

‘Literary, “tea and scandal”.’

‘Now that is good, but if you’re going to remember everything I say…’

‘Were they good Christmases when you were a child?’

‘Yes, and we do the dead a disservice if we don’t remember the good times. Wordsworth said it best, “Surprised by joy - impatient as the Wind ..Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind. But how could I forget thee? Through what power, Even for the least division of an hour…” His three-year-old daughter had died, he reproaches himself for letting the memory of her death, exclude his remembering the joyous moments of her life. Of course it also took me a while to appreciate that my aunts might be missing a brother and sister too. Sometimes it seems important to regress, to be the idiot child, they seem happier when I’m like that sometimes.’

‘My parents are alive and well, I see them about three times a year, but never at Christmas.’

‘There is some talk, that the Club Christmas lunch could be held on Christmas Eve itself. Quite a few of the members have no particular place to go. I could book one of the bedrooms for us?’

‘What about Checkley?’

‘Well they’d be honoured guests at the lunch.’

‘Yes, book a room. No surprises mind.’

‘The only surprise, if it goes ahead on the twenty-fourth, is that the Club has adopted the military tradition of officers waiting on other ranks.’


It was mid-afternoon about a week before Christmas that the apartment doorbell rang triggering the online imagery of two figures, Madam Concierge and our regular postie. Strange.

‘Personal delivery by hand sir, to be signed for’. I hesitated.

‘I found him in the building at an odd hour.’ Said the Dragon as some sort of justification for her presence.

‘I’m not expecting a parcel Barry, any idea what it is?’

‘Has the weight and feel of paper sir, like a mail order catalogue or a pack of printer paper.’

‘There’s no sender info apart from this code?’

‘No sir, they have to give their name and address to our computer though. It’s been scanned for security obviously. All I know is the first five digits there, tell you it’s our district, so a post office sometime after nine this morning.’

‘Thankyou Barry, most helpful, where do I sign?’

After closing the door I sat and fondled the parcel for a while. ‘Well! Open it.’ Charlie instructed.

‘Mm… The sender has clearly walked into one of our main post offices, grabbed stationary, had the counter help parcelling it up, and sent it, paying top whack.’

‘Oh for goodness sake, less of the Sherlock!’

I took my best scissors from the draw and began work. Charlie seemed agitated, rocking a little on her feet, it took me a moment to realise this was hovering - normally felt, not seen. ‘Well you could knock me down with a…’

‘I certainty could.’ She replied.

‘Ha! So much for “Recollections of a Long Life”, the sly old bugger, this is something else altogether, oh look - a note or missive. “Just a first draft you understand, sent it to Eddie, former County Librarian who will edit, thought you ought to see it if you are in this for the long haul.” Well, well. There appears to be a final chapter that is contemporary, but clearly a go at history, rather than gossip…’

‘What’s it called then?’

‘Brilliant, “Cattle Rustlers and Courtiers - a family history”.’


Uncle’s great work, over three hundred pages long, managed to grab our undivided attention in the days running up to Christmas. He wrote as he spoke, but that would be his editor’s problem, not ours. The story was more or less the Reformation to the present day, a gift of land by the Crown, for services rendered during Elisabeth I’s reign. The document screamed loyalty, continuity, community and a spirit of place.

‘He’s challenging you.’ Charlie said.

‘Yes, yes he is. And, despite the lack of a blood tie, offering numerous reasons to spend every last penny on the Park. This isn’t me making money for the Trust, this is Uncle’s mental takeover of another family’s Trust! And there was Julia, thinking it was some other kind of revenge.’

‘He has you snookered old boy!’