135: Valet parking

‘...then I had to change my trousers, with the Don cooing over my tatts!’ Exclaimed Sparkwell as she chauffeured me towards the club.

‘At least you knew he wasn’t admiring the rest of you.’

‘Oh! I almost forgot, why is Captain Bob so happy?

‘One royal visit that went off without a hitch? The promise of further patronage?’

‘More than that, I knew him long before I met you, remember? It was like, the visit had solved all sorts of stuff, a weight of his shoulders. He said; “Tell Tony we did it, we bloody well did it.” I know the only reason you two would cut me out, is it must be politics.’

‘Politics and the bureaucracy that comes with it. Now then, national government and local government are by no means the same thing. However, you remember with the railway how we took advantage of the chaos of the end of one parliament and the start of the chaos of another, well, our local government is in the limbo of reorganisation. What the county and the cities are responsible for is changing, just as the districts are disappearing. I’ll be better able to explain after my lunch with counsel for the defence.’

As we entered the Park, Walpole could be seen hovering by the unusually open back door, it being of course the original front door to the house. The scene made our legal eagle look like the owner of a very fine country seat. ‘I’ll drop you at the door, sir.’

‘Very well, Sparkwell.’

‘Then proceed to park, I’ll be around should you require me.’

I did my best to gracefully exit the two-seater. Approaching, I proclaimed; ‘You look like the lord and master of all you survey!’

‘Oh, thank you very much, I must say the ambience here does give one a rather unique feeling of ownership.’

‘And the look suits you.’

‘You flatter me.’

‘Not in the least. Only too appropriate, since today you’re my host.’

Then his gaze shifted to the carpark behind me; ‘What’s your paramour doing, exactly?’

I turned; ‘My valette, is merely preparing to vacuum the interior. Keeping everything spick and span. She’s a very disciplined woman, especially when in uniform.’

‘I see. I don’t mean to be rude, but there’s always seems something, well, borderline kinky about your relationship.’

‘I say! Steady on old man.’

‘During my career I was often forced to spend long hours viewing the prosecution evidence held by Vice, decidedly un-erotic videos, but one learnt to recognise the traits of the sub and the dom.’

‘Sparkwell and I enjoy a high trust relationship, I can assure you.’

‘Ah. Of course, you could hardly swop around roles all the time without it.’

‘We’re not in the cells below the Bailey now, and I’m not your client.’

‘Just a bit of fun. In the hour of our great victory.’

‘You think we, have won?’

‘Oh, yes. And to cap it all you’ve made Charlie a star.’

‘Well, given her fifteen minutes of fame anyway.’

‘I’ve known The Beacon a lot longer than you. I’d say she’s well on the way to becoming a national treasure. Helene reads, every day, the print edition of The Beacon’s principal rival, her world view is built upon it. Now they normally have the edge when comes to royal stories, but now they’ve been utterly humiliated. And no doubt had to pay Don a small fortune for the privilege.’

‘Let’s go in.’

‘Of course.’

We passed by the flight simulator, it had an ‘Out of order’ notice on it; ‘What! Not again. What is it this time?’

‘Barmy’s uploading a software update of his own devising.’ Said an anonymous voice.

‘One wonders why, when all it’s only ever used for is refighting World War Two.’ I said as an aside to Walpole.

In time we settled to lunch. ‘So, what makes you confident everything’s in the bag?’

‘At my last meeting at county hall, when they finally signed off on footpaths, bridepaths, lineside fencing and reinstalled level crossings, one of the officials said we’d better hurry up with car park applications because reorganisation was already causing endless delays. It was on the tip of my tongue to declare; “There will be no car parks” when I thought there might be an advantage to keeping quiet.’

‘You think they are thinking they can just sit back and watch the chaos of choked country lanes and mass illegal parking as seen in other parts of the country where, unlike us, lines are cut off from the network? And with the additional assumption that we’ll be encouraging it in a desperate attempt to maximise visitor numbers in order to turn a profit.’

‘Waiting their moment to hit us with court orders and massive fines.’

‘How could they not know?’

‘Filter bubbles! Ideological and geographic.’

‘Blimey! As Charlie would say.’

‘Anyway, I then decided to snoop a little, mindful of what you and Bernard have said about the status of Royal Oak. One or two of the councillors also sit on health and social care committees. Similar delays in enforcing regulations, similar sitting back thinking they’ll hit Charlie and Co at a time of maximum impact. A combination of bureaucratic pettiness and moral superiority. And an addiction to spending other people’s money.’

‘Just in time then.’

‘Two knockout blows delivered on the same day. The ultimate endorsement. And lots of free publicity.’

‘We win in the final court of appeal, before they even litigate.’

‘Nothing can stop you now Anthony.’

Suddenly there was the sound of a most appalling scream, male in origin was my guess, and emanating from just outside in the garden.

In the push to get to the front door, originally the back door, and the collision outside, caused by working out which direction to go in, I lost sight of Walpole. We, the crowd, however were soon forced to pull-up just short of the spa by the scene that presented itself, it looked to be some form of water torture. To one side of the spa’s little drinking fountain, there was what might be described as like a large, broad, garden water butt, full and overflowing. Amongst the overspill creeping across the ground towards us were clearly visible ice cubes. Inside the container was what appeared to be a naked Tuffy, desperately struggling, but failing to extricate himself. Alongside stood Sparkwell, now in fitness trainer’s apparel, clutching a stopwatch and clipboard, looking on with cold detachment.

Walpole, who’d succeeded in nudging his way through the cheering and goading crowd, declared; ‘I’m reliably informed it’s a freebie from the Rep trying to sell the spa a sauna, it’s a DIY garden cold plunge.’

Soon Tuffy seemed to exhaust himself, calmed down, and realised the quickest way out was the reverse of the way he got in. On emerging he was revealed to be wearing white undergarments, now clinging and transparent, exposing his much-shrivelled appendage. After he’d rapidly departed, the crowd quietened down considerably. Someone commented; ‘What I don’t understand is how she got him in there in the first place?’

Some wit replied; ‘Led him up the garden path, literally.’

No one questioned the treatment being metered out. Knowing Tuffy of old, everyone rather took it for granted that the punishment fitted the crime. Walpole drew me to one side; ‘There you go, I told you. Tell me, what does she call herself in private, Mistress Charlotte?’

128: Christmas club

‘Soon be Christmas again.’ Said Charlie one morning, as we were going about our ablutions. Thankfully there were just a few days left to endure before events kicked off. Those who mention Christmas at the earliest opportunity every year have always annoyed me. There’ll be someone, in the days following the summer solstice, who will remark; ‘The nights are drawing in, soon be Christmas.’ By August it becomes difficult not to notice the mince pies appearing on supermarket shelves.

‘So, what have you planned for our Christmas?’ she asked.

‘The club lunch on Christmas Eve, followed by Checkley Manor, but back here in time for the Book Club on Boxing Day.’

‘But it’s the same every year!’

‘Exactly, that’s the point.’

On our drive out to the club on Christmas Eve, Charlie asked who the guest speaker would be? I was able to reply; ‘Our noble Lord Coates.’

‘You know, I’ve never asked; is Frimley married?’

‘Oh yes.’

‘He never brings her to the club!’

‘Well, not in recent times. One imagines she’s fully occupied with the children.’

‘How many?’

‘Four.’

‘Crickey! You'd have thought they'd have sorted out other forms of satisfaction long ago.'

‘They hung-on for a boy, and managed it at the fourth attempt.’

‘Serve him right, three girls.’

‘That’s why his priority has always been making money, with the politics left as just a hobby.’

‘Is he a good speaker?’

‘Excellent, odd but excellent.’

Upon entering the lounge, we began to mingle. The first person I encountered was Walpole; ‘What ho, what ho! What, no Helene?’

‘She’s deep in the making of mince pies, she only attended last year when she thought me the star attraction.’

‘Reflected glory.’

‘Now I’m permanently in the doghouse for giving too much time to the railway.’

‘How are things going, I haven’t had a situation report in a while.’

‘That is because I remain deeply embroiled with the county council. I think they were upset to be so excluded in the beginning, thinking we were trying to go over their heads.’

‘Well, we were, sort of.’

‘Well now they seem determined to get their own back and summon as much outrage as they can about the apparent loss of footpaths and cycle ways.’

‘But you had a good wheeze about that.’

‘Indeed, I spelt it out for them, but now they are causing more delay by brooding over old maps, etc. In essence, I told them they were wrong to have run rough shod in the past over old pathways and bridleways. No pun intended. By correctly reinstating level crossings, fences and paths to stations, we are showing them where the public have always had a right of way and still can have. The railways in the nineteenth century had to fall in line with ancient tracks as much as the landowners whose land they were crossing did!’

‘Don’t forget I got Jack involved in the old bicycle emporium to show good intentions all round.’

‘I suppose at the end of the day we may have to actually suggest where walkers and cyclists should go, I’m not sure councillors actually know the landscape they’re supposedly protecting.’

‘Try not to, they need to believe they’ve come up with solutions themselves or otherwise they lose their reason for being.’

‘My lords, ladies, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the man without whom the Park would not be the Park, the club wouldn’t be the club, and we’d all be out of a job, wandering the streets; our friend and benefactor, the man himself, Anthony Arlington.’

‘Thank you, Mr Secretary, eloquent and flattering as always. I’m obliged to you for giving me a couple of minutes to address you all, before introducing our guest speaker. As many of you are aware we are approaching the end of our various schemes to upgrade the Park, but must now face the final challenge - the water pipe and pumping station replacement. I wish to reassure you all, that although this task was anticipated in the original financial plans, the Trust stands ready to provide extra funding should the unexpected occur, or more leaks than anticipated be discovered. Now, from the walled garden southwards, through the stables and the bungalows to all parts of the house now in use new piping has been fitted. We now face the long haul to the edge of the parkland where we take water from the river. Survey work will start shortly, and disruption will begin in the spring, hopefully cuts in supply will only occur on a couple of occasions and for a few hours only, notices will be posted to you all in plenty of time. Now then, today’s speaker is known to you all and in a unique position to comment on the political disruption we’ve all faced this year, indeed over the last five years. He is, alas, now our only political insider, able to at least report if not influence events from his lofty perch in the House of Lords. And so, with no more to-do, I give our noble lord, Frimley Coates.’

‘Thank you, Anthony. I should perhaps point out that it is customary only to use the expression “noble lord” when one peer is addressing another. However, if my nobility amuses you, then who am I... You may think it odd that I should address you at this pagan festival, my faith gives emphasis to Easter as a time, following an appropriate period of fasting, to indulge and celebrate. But I fear with the ascendancy of the worker’s party we are all in for an extended period of puritan, rule-governed restraint and self-abasement. You may protest that we only have ourselves to blame, and it does seem that so many in the once great party have spent years running around like headless chickens, having little or no effect upon the fortunes of the nation. Buffy Trumpton, to whom I owe my own political good fortune, seemed to blow a fuse, almost at the point of achieving that which he had coveted for so long. Others were perhaps never up to the job. I too have been accused of, if not incompetence, then of being irrelevant. Some elderly wit was overheard complaining to some other even more elderly person that my style was “out of date before you were born”. Well, I take comfort that the best of the past is never out of date here at the club and amongst all you fellows. I find solace too, of course, in my faith and the inspiration offered by the holy father. His holiness was gracious enough to offer my wife and I a brief audience this year. His life-long determination to avoid the trappings of office and to remain at heart a simple parish priest is surely an example to us all. We are all sinners, no matter how we spend our lives, we cannot transcend human nature, the assumption of so many political idealists, we can only attempt to emulate something of the life of Christ though we know we are bound to fail at the last, such is the human condition. And so, I offer a toast to, God the father, God the son and God the holy spirit!’

‘Amen!’ Cried someone.

‘I’m sorry, I got a little carried away there, must be the wine. I have of course sworn an oath to the crown. I give you, the King!’

126: Evil under the sun

I had retreated to the media room, on account of Charlie having a private client. I hadn’t noticed the doorbell ring, but perhaps she’d seen whoever, arriving. After an hour or so of worrying those at the old bank about post-election strategy, I stretched my legs by wandering into the bedroom and looking down on the garden. I was shocked to see Charlie ferrying, it was the only word for it, a crouching Tuffy along the path to the back gate.

‘How was your client, responsive to the Sparkwell touch?’ I asked over our lunchtime rations.

‘Not really. I ended-up introducing some yoga for him to practice.’

‘Good God! Well, that explains it I suppose.’

‘Explains what?’

‘Why your so-called client was bent double leaving by the back gate.’

‘You saw?’

‘I did indeed.’

‘It wasn’t my idea!’

‘I imagine not.’

‘He insists everything should be shrouded in secrecy, not just from Victoria, but from you too, in case you were tempted to blab. He said; “You know Tony, he has tentacles everywhere.” He's overwhelmed.’

‘What’s happened to the poor fellow?’

‘I'm not even sure about that. He spent quite a time muttering about the railway.’

‘Our railway?’

‘No, the model set in the attic. He thinks he could create something more authentic than your lot.’

‘Good lord! Well, yes if it’s a model then it’s always simpler.’

‘I just wish he'd give some thought to who he’s talking to, I mean his twin obsessions are you and Victoria, how can I be expected to observe client confidentiality when there’s such a conflict of interest?’

‘They do say, that having chosen someone as your confessor it’s often difficult to break the habit.’

‘I say! There’s no packed lunch, damn it.’

‘Calm yourself Tuffy.’ I asserted. We were all aboard the old charabanc, heading out from the club on our annual Awayday. This year we were off to Bilberry-on-Sea, with a promise of lunch at the posh hotel on the island that sat across the causeway.

‘They’ll be takeaway coffees at the beach, whilst we wait for the sea tractor to ferry us across.’ Said Cat, taking on his usual role of tour guide.

Walpole and Helene were sat behind us, enjoying a tour again. ‘Well, this is very pleasant. You realise we hardly go anywhere together these days Walpole.’

‘Alas, pressure of work.’

‘That’s what you used to say in the old days, you’re meant to be retired!’

‘Well, I say work, but more like a hobby really, something one can be enthusiastic about.’

‘I hope there’ll be no arguments about detectives today.’

‘Strange, I wasn’t aware today’s misery tour took us to local locations from The Hound of the Baskervilles or the disappearance of Silver Blasé.’

‘Really Walpole! You know perfectly well to whom I refer. The island was an inspiration to Agatha Christie, there’s even a summer chalet in the hotel grounds where she used to write.’

‘Oh really? Would I recognise any of her titles?’

‘Evil Under The Sun, was one!’

‘Were there any art-deco buildings that didn’t have flat roofs?’ I said to Walpole as we stood looking at the only feature in the landscape of note, whilst consuming our coffees.

‘I can’t think of any, and they all leaked.’

‘Your Sherlock comment has set me thinking about next year, I’m looking for an alternative to stave off a small cabal determined we should do Christie’s home Greenway next.’

‘Oh lord!’ Then a moment later; ‘Oh, now what? Helene is gesturing with a beckoning digit. See you later.’

Melisa separated herself from the family Gruber and came over for a chat. ‘How was the bank?’ I enquired.

‘Great, Charlie helped me out.’

‘Getting a handle on financial affairs now will save countless hours in the future. Has Jack found you wheels yet?’

‘Yes, Mr Mackintosh’s old van has turned up and he’s fixing it, says it needs a lot of work though. Mother says you’d reassured her I wouldn’t turn up in some fancy sports. You’re involved with all this somehow, you seem to have leverage with practically everyone I meet!’

‘Okay, I confess, I found the van. Cat will transfer ownership to me because I’m doing him a favour in another matter. Jack is under instruction to do it all up to suit your needs, I’ll pay him whatever he sees fit to charge me, depending on how much he feels I owe him. We, have a sort of informal business partnership going. You meanwhile, need to work out how much it will cost you to run, cash you’ll have to pay, wherever it actually comes from, such as insurance, road tax, MOT, petrol per mile etc. When all that’s sorted, I simply transfer ownership to you.’

‘What? Free, gratis and for nothing.’

‘Well, there’s really no need for cash to exchange hands. I owe you an eighteenth birthday present anyway and there are occasional favours you could do for me.’

‘I’m beginning to think mother isn’t right about you!’

‘She’s biased. No, right now, there’s only one thing I can think of that would make a real difference. Would you be willing to chauffer Kenneth back and forth to our place twice a week so he can stay involved with the garden?’

‘Of course, no worries.’

‘Young Timothy not with you today?’

‘I don’t allow him to come just anywhere!’

‘Glad to hear it.’

It was whilst eating our luxurious lunch that I realised that what obsessed modernist architects were the interiors they created, and if that meant an horrendous outside, so be it. We lounged awhile after eating, then the heartier folk set off for a walk around the island. I looked for Charlie, but she was nowhere to be seen, so I just followed the group in front. Later, as we were gathering for the return ferry, I was chatting to Victoria, a few steps apart from all the others. Cat approached looking hassled and declared; ‘We’re missing two!’

‘So much so obvious.’ I replied.

‘What?’

‘I am without Charlie, Victoria is minus Tuffy, thus we deduce they are together.’

‘Good lord! I say, sorry about that and all.’

‘Oh!’ Exclaimed the Lady Vic; ‘I think we’re fairly safe in assuming Charlotte is doing her best to therapize Tuffy! And I don’t think either Tony nor I, would fully claim to know the mind of Tuffy.’

‘Absolutely. Anyway Cat, I suggest Vic and I take ten minutes to walk around the top of the island again, that’ll give us the best view.’

Five minutes later, as we were walking a path above an almost amphitheatre like cove, two figures could be seen on the beach below. I recognised Charlie by the only too familiar pose, that of the assertive fitness instructor. The figure attempting to rise out of Cobra must be Tuffy.

‘He’s only just wolfed down a large lunch!’ Said the Lady Vic.

‘Being on sand won't help. Hush a second, we might be able to hear something...’

‘Now gently rising into Warrior, try not to stretch or strain.’ Charlie could be heard to caution. But Tuffy had other ideas, he pushed on into full Victory pose. Arms out stretched forming a V and fingers spread.

‘Oh, my God!’ Said Vic, then added; ‘She’s changed into her kit.’

‘Yes, Charlie is notoriously high bound in the matter of yoga and fitness apparel.’

It was then, and I can't honestly say what made me do it, that I cupped my hands to my mouth and sent a ‘koo-ee' echoing around the cliff face. Tuffy collapsed instantly in a heap.

‘That was, brutal but effective Tony.’

‘Sometimes you need an utter bastard to stop an idiot.’ I replied.

115: The gift of Christmas

‘Pray silence for the Monarch of the Glen!’ Said the club secretary, tired and emotional as usual on Christmas Eve.

‘I say, steady-on old man.’ Replied Cat Mackintosh, as he rose to his feet. ‘I have to tell you I don’t have a title as such, merely an office. It’s been handed down for many generations now, but that’s just a convention, it doesn’t have to be that way. For anyone who’s curious may I refer you to Lord Lyon King of Arms. But my real purpose in speaking today is to introduce our guest speaker, a man who has become familiar to you all over the last year or so. Distinguished at the Bar, by his, well, lack of distinguished-ness! A man who throughout his career defended the unfashionable defenceless, and therefore has remained forever a junior barrister. I give you Henry Walpole!’

As the applause died down, Harry began; ‘Members of the jury, you have heard all the evidence set before you by the prosecution in this case, it now falls upon me... Oh I’m sorry, force of habit. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... No, that’s how my father began all his speeches. Ladies and gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking... Well, I really can’t get away with that one! I know, how about. It gives me the greatest honour, to propose a vote of thanks to you all for letting me through the door. I must confess that throughout my humble career, I’ve been somewhat dismissive of institutions such as this. Dismissing them as full of status hungry social wannabes, who were really only there to cultivate connections either for the sake of getting more work or a better, richer, sort of client. Thankfully, you are a kind of corrective to all that, a counterculture perhaps, an antidote that provides a place to regain one’s sanity in a world gone mad.’

A low rumble of ‘hear, hear’ could be heard from the would be jury.  I was sat with Helene, whilst Charlie was paired with Walpole. ‘He’s quite a character in action, don’t you think?’ Spoke Helene.

‘So, I always imagined.’

‘Silence in court!’

‘Really, Walpole!’

‘My wife Helene, your Lordships, a stalwart supporter and companion down the years, but who really needs no support in this court of appeal. But to return to argument, these convivial surroundings offer a haven of peace as far in time and space as it seems possible to get these days from a country with twice as many people, and twice as many cars, plus four times as many pets as in my youth. And not a windmill in sight!’ Now the jury was starting to bang the table. ‘I must say the solar panels on the roof are very discreet. I know this because on days when I’m confined to home, I’ve discovered the club portal. The addition of drone photography, which complements the existing walk through the park and the three D, digital interior, offer, well, I hesitate to say it, but almost a meditative experience. I confess I’m often tempted to reach for a glass of the old cooking claret. And for one who started out in life in a vast, un-heat-able Church of England vicarage, where on winter mornings it was not uncommon to find ice forming on the inside of windows, both the virtual and real club are remarkably cosy. Life, throws together the most unlikely of characters and coincidences. I first appeared before you, as a guest of Don Wooley, who had been kind enough over the years to promote my notoriety by publishing somewhat lurid accounts of my more notable criminal cases. In many of these, I found myself up against a most disagreeable prosecutor who would insist, during regular breaks in proceedings, on telling me about the alleged activities of what he called his wayward daughter, described in much the same language he used towards the prisoner at the bar. I regret to have to tell you, that daughter was none other than your own Charlie Sparkwell.’ This brought forth gasps from the jury, and cries of ‘shame’. ‘I could go on and mention many of you, but I understand Christmas speeches are intended to be short. I shall end therefore, by simply confirming the rumour that I was that barrister, with the bad taste to attack the police evidence offered by one WPC Sonia Wainwright on her first appearance down the Bailey, now known to you all as Chief Constable Wainwright.’ More gasps from the jury. ‘Your lordships, ladies and gentlemen, please stand and raise a glass to yourselves, I give you, the club!’

I’d noticed Ada slip away from the table immediately the toasts came to a close. I found her sat by the fire. ‘I hope you realise you are sitting in a seat once occupied by a former Chancellor of Germany. I shall now sit here, where once a US president sat.’

‘How do you know? We were all banned from the club back then. And I was barely allowed outside my own front door!’

‘They needed our security cameras, they couldn’t shut me down, without shutting themselves down, happy days.’

‘I was rather counting on you being here today.’

‘You have something to report?’

‘What’s it worth to you?’

‘Ah!’ And after a pause; ‘When’s your membership renewal due, and the settling of your account, obviously?’

‘Couple of months.’

‘When it arrives, let me know, I’ll come over, pick up the chitty, and miraculously return within the hour with your new card.’

‘Umm. Not sure what I know is worth quite that much, yet. Is that how you got Walpole on side?’

‘Well, more Mrs Walpole to be precise.’

‘Oh! I was talking to her earlier, fearsome woman. Anyway, if you’re willing to do that I'll just keep going and we can argue about appropriate recompense at the end of it.’

‘You’re sounding like you know, you hold all the cards?’ I smiled.

‘My problem maybe persuading you though. Things only make sense with the right, historical mind-set. I didn’t get it, until on my second visit I inadvertently got inside the hotel on the other side of the Square.’

‘Go on.’

‘The existing railway owns and runs the passenger ferry and is responsible for the jetty. The local authority controls the riverside, there are two kiosks that need eliminating and the jetty has to go back to being adjacent to the booking office window in the outer end wall.’

‘I’m listening.’

‘Once upon a time, the whole layout of the hotel ground floor was orientated towards that booking office window. The lounge, bar, reception. The booking office had a telephone link direct to the signal box on the other side of the river, but most of the calls came from hotel reception. If you were sat in the right place in the lounge, you could see the comings and goings at the booking office window, the way across the square and around the inner harbour thingy for the hotel porter with a cadet’s trunk or first-class passenger’s luggage was obvious to see.’

‘Hotel was hub of the town; college, hotel, ferry, train. But surely the officer cadets had a halt of their own and a little ferry directly opposite the college?’

‘Only when travelling with other cadets with a barracks bag, holdall thing. Hotel was where parents stayed, where ward room etiquette was learned. The hotel is still the centre for the council, local business people, the people you need. Cars and buses take them around the houses, spoil the view, to destinations only occasionally desired.’

‘You’re telling me, getting the town on side is more important than the cost of the building?’

‘Put the building back to what it once was, you put the town back.’

‘I’m paying you for information, not for getting the building at their price to you!’

‘Maybe in the end it’ll all be one and the same thing.’

104: Castles and Kings

‘I went by Magdalen Place the other day, well, walked through that little park in front of it.’

‘Actually, it’s not a park, simply a common front garden for the Place, just like we have here.’

‘But everyone uses it, I thought it belonged to the council.’

‘You thought that, when it is so well maintained?’

‘So that’s it. That’s why I saw matey’s mate, from the Park, helping put back the railings.’

‘Yep, part of the restoration.’

‘And that’s another thing, why if you’re trying to get an authentic façade, is that corner house having the ground floor converted into a shop?’

‘It’s not a conversion, it’s undoing the previous attempt at restoration.’

‘You mean it used to be a shop?’

‘Well, strictly speaking, it was the business entrance of the old apothecary's house.’

‘As in pharmacy?’

‘Correct.’

‘So why?’

‘Well internally there is still evidence of what it once was.’

‘Okay.’

‘I just thought we could make a feature of it, add to the heritage, as it were.’

‘Since when were you that benevolent?’

‘I’m not, the idea is to put up a notice or plaque, saying, in effect, here was where Agatha Christie learnt to be a poisoner!’

‘She worked there?’

‘Posted there when she was a VAD during the first war. She was being trained-up to work in the hospital dispensary.’

‘Blimey.’

‘Anyway, shake a leg, here’s the shopping list for this afternoon’s polite tea that we’re laying on for Mr and Mrs Walpole.’

‘You’re giving me a list!’

‘Not only that, it all needs to be purchased from our own garden centre shop.’

‘Cucumber, carrot or date and walnut cake, Earl Grey tea!’

‘Remind me why I’m doing this.’ So said Charlie, bent over the kitchen table and doing her best to produce unfamiliar, thin-cut cucumber sandwiches.

‘Because it is Mrs Walpole who needs to be convinced, that the proposition I shall put to Walpole, is a good idea.’

‘You think he’s under her thumb?’

‘Well, I wouldn’t put it as strong as that. But I know he wants a reason to get out of the house more, or more precisely, out of the garden!’

‘Sounds familiar.’

As I reached the door to the reception room at three minutes past four precisely, I hung back a moment, skulking if you like, for I realised something remarkable was unfolding before my eyes. Charlie appeared to be adopting, full hostess mode. She was showing various invitations from the mantelpiece to an admiring Mrs Walpole. ‘And these are the photos from the Palace back in the summer.’

‘You’ve never been invited to a garden party have you Walpole?’

‘Nothing so grand for an Old Bailey hack.’

There was more, after just a few more moments; ‘You might find these interesting too, from just a few weeks ago Mrs Walpole.’

‘Oh, do call me Helene.’

‘Simply the strangest of ceremonies, we were invited by Tony’s old friend Alistair.’

‘Take a look Walpole, Charlotte, with the King!’

‘Strange, I don’t remember these from The Beacon?’ Said Harry.

‘The better part of valour is discretion, is it not?’ I said as I entered the arena.

‘Ah! Here cometh Falstaff.’

‘Welcome to our humble abode, one and all.’

‘Anthony, do tell me about this distinguished lady.’ So said Mrs Walpole looking towards the infamous portrait.

‘My late aunt, the former occupant of this address. Painted when she was twenty-five-ish. By a rather famous RA, I was always told.’

‘Please excuse me, I must see to our garden consultant's tea before our own.’ Said Charlie.

‘Oh! Do you hear that Walpole? A garden consultant.’

‘Well, a slight exaggeration, he’s getting on a bit, but an excellent supervisor, very strong on fruits and the possibilities of climate change. We must introduce you some time.’ I said as Charlie departed.

‘We’re most grateful for your garden centre Anthony.’

‘Oh well, you’ll recognise tea when it comes!’

There was pause. ‘Well, this is all very nice, delightful view.’

Helene was running out of steam and Harry had raised an eyebrow more than once, it was time to come clean. ‘I must confess, I have an ulterior motive for inviting the two of you here today.’

‘Don’t tell me, you’re in trouble with the law.’ Was his instant response.

‘Really, Walpole!’

‘On the contrary, we’re out to cause trouble for the law.’

‘Who is this we?’

‘The Trust, and a few business partners, we need your help. More precisely, your voice and skill as a cross examiner.’

‘Ah, well, count me in!’

‘Just a moment Walpole. You must understand Anthony, Walpole is retired.’

‘I’m merely thinking of an occasional, part-time consultancy.’

‘Just what would he be getting into?’

I gave a summary of the project so far, concluding; ‘So you see, we need a legal voice to represent us, wherever. Enquiries of one sort or another. Planning enquiries, public enquiries, parliamentary committees, public meetings, in court, maybe. Someone who understands the audience, whether an ex-judge or local politician or general public, someone who can monitor our own PR, tell us when to back-off, etc.’

‘Planning law is very boring.’ Was his reply.

‘But that’s just it, I have a whole building full of solicitors - plus accountants and estate agents! What I lack is an advocate.’

‘Surprise, surprise.’

‘With a passion for, and interest in, old railways.’

‘You want me sell the romance of steam as well?’

‘Well, it's not so much about Castles and Kings as the need to explain that speed is no longer of the essence, though punctuality and comfort are, that we can do the German-style mobile office train, with more space and a better view for everyone. That we all have time to stand and stare, with the bicycle in the brake van, refreshment rooms at all stations.’

‘I used to love the old station hotels.’ Said Helene.

‘We have two of them, the old Morestead Manor House, and the old Grand at the town station, that’s Gerald, he’s one of our group.’

‘Despite your plans to collaborate with the government, it must still be a massive investment.’ Said Walpole.

‘Well, you’ve heard of the huge fortunes of various online platforms, well the Trust is a minor player in all that. The trick is turning all those zeros on paper into bricks and mortar. I should perhaps add that talks are underway to get the GWR society, with all its collection down to the extra land at the Abbey station.’

‘Walpole’s a member, aren’t you? He used to abandon me on our Sundays!’

‘Well, who’d have thought.’

‘This part-time work, how much would Walpole be paid?’

‘Well, as you might imagine it’s very difficult to estimate how much of the “when and where” would be required, initially at least. I was going to suggest in the first instance that I propose Walpole for membership of the club, on the understanding that we pick up the bill for his first year’s fees at least, plus whatever he runs-up on his account. I can see two advantages to such an arrangement; it would avoid any change to his tax and pension situation, and he could sign you in, any time he liked.’

The rattle of the trolley could be heard. ‘Tea everyone?’ Said Charlie.

It was as they were leaving by the front door, that Walpole hung back a split second, pivoted, held out a hand and speaking just out of earshot of Helene, said; ‘Nicely played sir, nicely played.’

End of season eight.

End of book two.

89: Fish out of water

‘What have you got planned, for whilst I’m away?’ Asked Charlie as I was about to wave her away at the mews.

‘Only a lunch with Walpole, so far.’

‘He’ll be able to explain father better than I can.’

‘Surely the train would have been easier?’

‘It’s actually a long way from the station, and much easier once I get there.’

‘Oh, well, enjoy the open road, or whatever.’

‘I’ll be back in time to oversee Melisa’s placement. Cheery-oh, pip, pip, as your lot would say.’

‘I’ll have the steak and kidney pudding, plenty of mashed spud and tell cook not to skimp on the gravy.’

‘And, cod and chips for myself. Something to drink?’

‘Oh! A glass of your best cooking claret please.’

‘A bottle of the house Bordeaux Red, thank you. Nice to see you getting into the spirit of things.’

‘One day, if I win the lottery, I’ll be able to afford to put-up myself, and return the favour.’

‘Stranger things have happened.’

‘I imagine you want me to talk about Charlotte’s father?’

‘Oh, not in the least. My approach has always been to avoid asking her, just listen on the odd occasions when she chooses to mention him. When she met you for the first time at the gallery, she was being genuinely respectful, she wasn’t playing the Valette.’

‘The only occasion we’d been in the same room before, was years ago, in court, when she came to watch her father in action. I meant to try and speak to her then, but she didn’t stay long. I don’t like second-hand gossip, I like to check out my facts, make up my own mind. I’m pleased to see her so happy, settled.’

‘Well, tell me what he’s like at the law then? From the horse’s mouth, so to speak.’ I said smiling.

Walpole looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘You know, that fellow they’ve got leading the opposition in parliament at the moment? Technically, he’s a bit like him. Always trying to impress the judge, rather than appeal to a jury. Hopeless for the defence, a natural prosecutor. But in other respects, quite different. Practices mainly in the civil courts. You see, in point of fact, not to beat about the bush, he’s a zealot!’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. A zealot for the law, a law as seen through the lens of traditional, protestant, high church, Christian beliefs. That god bothering society of his has quite a few followers, but essentially, it’s him. And in your face, all the time. That’s what I can’t stand. So, utterly convinced of his own convictions. I imagine, and I do mean imagine, that’s what Charlotte couldn’t stick, she obviously read the bible for her own sake, chose tolerance, acceptance. I often read The Beacon, mainly for the law reports you understand, so I realise she does work for the homeless on the side.’

‘Yes, she’s been involved for a long time, persuaded our Trust to chip-in and taken a seat on their committee on our behalf.’

‘Charles, it is always Charles, never a Charlie, used to express his frustration with his daughter all the time. We shared chambers for a while. As I say, unverified gossip, not worth recalling.’

‘A little bird told me you were also acquainted with our Chief Constable Wainwright?’

‘Ha! I laughed like a drain when I saw her pictured with your Crimean gold.’

‘I got her out of bed that day.’

‘Really! No, funny how first encounters stick with you, she doesn’t appear to have changed at all, a stickler for correctness. Caught her with a left hook on her first appearance down the Bailey. Jack told you, did he?’ I nodded. ‘I met Jack, when I got him off a charge of handling. Smart guy, understands other’s expertise, behaved exactly as I told him to in the witness box.’

‘We have an informal, business relationship, I flatter myself I bring an air of respectability to his world.’

‘Oh, I’m sure. I ought to say, I’ve not mentioned to my wife that I’ve reconnected with Jack, and the likes of our Chief of Police, she has a tendency to believe gossip and pass it on without question.’

‘Absolutely. Understood.’

‘Still, a blessing in disguise, from time to time. You can bet that the news of Charlotte doing well for herself, keeping out of trouble I mean, has already got back to her mother. Terribly incestuous, the law.’

‘And for dessert?’

‘Jam roly-poly with custard, I think.’

We took our coffees to the log fire in the lounge and settled in. ‘Now, have I got this right, Brinkley is your accountant, Merriweather your solicitor?’

‘Correct.’

‘I was just getting settled in the law, as a barrister, when they go and let solicitor’s take the very bread from our mouths.’

‘According to Lawrence, Bernard’s problem is not so much the law, as not understanding judges.’

‘Oh, you bet! Most of the work may be done in writing these days, but that just makes judges even more bureaucratically minded. Bernard, as you call him, opened up a bit about Sparkwell QC giving him a mauling. Again, it all comes back to not being able to keep God almighty out of court, or do I mean, keeping the law out of the church. How can I put this politely, one shouldn’t be surprised if your friends continue to soft-pedal their relationship, particularly if they’re committed Christians? Being of that generation, they’d see Sparkwell senior as a real potential menace and your Charlotte, well as a probable victim, but also, as a possible ally.’

In order to wake up again after a heavy lunch, I took Walpole on a bit of a tour of the house and grounds beyond the confines of the club. ‘Whereabouts are you living?’ He mentioned a village on the edge of town with one foot in the countryside. ‘And how’s your wife taking to it all?’

‘Gardening. She, has become the world’s most enthusiastic gardener. Constant expeditions to your garden centre.’

‘Not really your scene?’

‘No. I’m the townie, feeling a bit like a fish out of water to be honest.’

‘But you’re the more sociable one?’

‘Oh, I’ll adjust. Just don’t ask me to do the digging and weeding.’

‘You should write your memoirs.’

‘Not the noblest of professions. And what I like to recall, well its all terribly out of date now.’

‘You could write a blog, about a townie trying to adjust to life in the country.’

‘I can’t think who’d be interested!’

‘Actually, it’s quite a controversial area, you should try reading my aunt’s magazine, wealthy townies importing their values. The eco-minded trampling over traditional agriculture. Charlie writes an occasional column.’

‘Does she? Is there no end to her talents? Where is she by the way, if you don’t mind my asking?’

‘On leave. Gone fishing. She and her pals have somehow got on the right side of the Duke of Northumberland’s gillie.’

‘My word!’

‘Is that the sea, that I can, see?’ Walpole asked after we’d wandered on a way.

‘It is indeed. One of the main reasons for remodelling the golf course, hence the new trees. You can also see the sea from the roof again, I won’t take you up there, problems with health and safety, insurance etc.’

‘Oh, I can believe it. You know the only reason Sparkwell senior isn’t a judge is he can’t play golf. No, I don’t quite mean that. But part of the social life of many judges is golf, and it’s hardly compatible with having a compulsion to bring religion into everything.’

‘You never took to the game?’

‘Oh, no! Absolute self-torture, just playing against oneself, no end to it. Mrs Walpole was keen I should play at one time, but then she was far more ambitious than I, to see me progress in the law. Do you suffer from having a partner with ambitions on your behalf?’

‘Only that I should be as much a fitness fanatic as she is!’

‘Ha!’

81: The fall and rise

Good Friday found us at Checkley Manor as usual. ‘Does anyone remember the old-style fun fairs?’ I said to the kitchen table at large. ‘How they always had a shooting gallery, you could shoot down figures one at a time in a long line...’

‘And!’ Said Uncle.

‘Buffy’s happy few, his band of brothers are falling at an ever-increasing rate. And yet, new figures keep appearing as if by magic.’

‘Are you going to do anything about Tuffy’s attempt to blackball him from the club?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Ah, thank you for reminding me.’

Later, when alone in the grounds I put in a call to Cat. ‘Er, actually old man, Tuffy’s complaint is in the pending tray for the time being; fact is, Buffy’s membership is currently lapsed.’

‘Explain.’

‘Well, you know how membership renewal depends on the receipt of fees and the clearing of your account, well Buffy has stood a lot of bar bills in the last year, he’s been sent a reminder and all that, but he has slipped over the renewal date.’

‘I see. I think I might just drop a hint to Carrie.’

‘Might be as well, apparently, they’ll be at the cottage this weekend, bit embarrassing if she has to sign him in! Also, you might care to explain to Tuffy that under our rulebook you can only expel someone for behaviour whilst at the club, and that doesn’t include when the premises are being used for other purposes.’

‘Cat?’

‘Tony, old son.’

‘You couldn’t do me a quick favour, check bookings for the ballroom and if it’s free on Easter Monday, book it out to me for the whole day.’

‘Carrie!’

‘Ah, Tony. The voice of sanity.’

‘Bless you. Er, sorry to do this, bit embarrassing really...’

‘I doubt it, not when viewed from Downing Street.’

‘Yes, quite, the fact is, Buffy’s membership of the club has lapsed, failure to pay fees and settle his account.’

‘Shit! I told him, when I renewed. Hang on.’

For once she forgot to press mute; ‘I’m not bloody made of money! Tell him the cheque is in the post.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes!’

‘Will it bounce?’

Then, after a long pause; ‘Tony?’

‘Carrie.’

‘He says there is a cheque in the post.’

‘Tell him, if he plans on visiting, make it Monday, but you may have to sign him in if the money hasn’t arrived.’

‘Very well, and Tony, I haven’t forgotten you were the one who persuaded me to return to the blighter.’

‘Running out on us again!’ So said Uncle when I announced our intention of leaving a few hours early.

‘Well only by half a day.’

‘All the same, what progress in the vines?’

‘I’ve brought you up to date with the pruning and tying.’

‘And what moves in the woods Charlotte?’

‘Your new eastern European hiring is a lot further on with the charcoal burners, than he is with his comprehension of English!’

On arrival at the Park, I took a direct line to the office, there to commune with the club secretary. ‘The ballroom is all yours, the PM’s debts got paid by money transfer late Friday, from some unrecognisable company account at a bank on Grand Cayman, and the man himself is working the room, the lounge that is, at this very moment.’

‘Excellent!’ I replied, exiting immediately towards the veranda bar, that being the best vantage point from which to observe Buffy’s progress. Much to my surprise, I found Bernard and Brinkley propping up the bar, in the company of Henry Walpole no less. ‘I say, what ho, Walpole! You know it’s a complete waste of time touting for briefs from Bernard, he likes to do his own advocacy.’

‘You forget Anthony, I’ve been put out to grass, by my wife.’

‘Yes of course, must be a bit of a wrench at times. And the two of you, a rare sighting indeed.’

‘Well, we are semi-retired Tony, Lawrence and I are entitled to our occasional indulgences. And as Walpole was saying, it’s always worth taking a look at the locus in quo.’

‘Something my old pupil master used to say.’

‘You should be swapping old anecdotes about Sparkwell QC, Charlotte’s daddy. Bernard’s suffered at his hands too!’

‘What brings you here Tony?’ Asserted Bernard.

‘Oh, just on our way back from my uncle’s place.’

‘Here to keep an eye on our esteemed Prime Minister?’ Suggested Brinkley.

‘Yes, alright then. Talking of which, would you excuse me a moment?’

‘How are you Prime Minister?’

‘Ah! Anthony. Under savage pressure as it happens.’

‘Ah, yes. Playing the international statesman, the war leader in waiting. Must take it out of you, but goes down well with the voters no doubt.’

‘I trust you’re not here to gloat?’

‘By no means. Indeed, I’m here to offer you what I just know you will find an amusing diversion from the cost-of-living crisis.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘A short commemorative video of your previous visits.’

‘What!’ A micro expression of alarm crossed his face.

‘If you and Carrie would care to step this way, I’ve arranged a little private viewing in the ballroom.’

I whispered to Charlie, to ask her former handler come mentor from the security detail to lock us in, from the outside, and after a moment or two’s chat, he did!

‘What’s going on? Where’s my protection gone?’

‘I thought the four of us might appreciate a little privacy.’

The large screen worked remarkably well, despite the variable quality of the images in Carry-On Prime Minister. It also benefited from a little program I’d acquired for the removal of layers of ambient noise from audio recordings. Our little half hour movie featured sequences all the way from Buffy’s first landing on what was now the eighteenth green, to his post-run Haka!

When it finally came to an end there was a long silence before Buffy spoke; ‘Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to deliver a threat. Notice how he saves your blushes Charlie; you’re just simply portrayed as the innocent waitress. The editing is outrageous, talk about hashtag - context collapse!’ He then buried his face in his hands for about a count of ten, before asserting; ‘So, who apart from us has seen this?’

‘Only my co-producer Barmy, and my co-owner the Earl.’

‘You sure about that?’

‘Oh, yes. And of course, it can stay that way.’

‘I can burn you, as much as you can burn me.’

‘Well, no not really.’

‘What?’

‘All I have to do is send a copy of this to the media. You on the other hand have had two and a half years to fatten your dossier on me, and got nowhere.’

‘You can’t possibly know that.’

‘True, but what I can know with one hundred percent certainty, is that I never do anything, only the Trust does things, and it was entirely reconstituted before the summit. You, are up against a legal brick wall.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Full implementation of the Flotterton Manifesto.’

‘What?’

‘Everything outlined in Rory’s speech.’

‘I know what you bloody meant! That speech you wrote for him was pure fantasy.’

‘I didn’t write a word. I admit I was present when Rory, relaxing in the lounge after a massage from Charlie, came up with his ideas whilst staring deep into the log fire. Besides it doesn’t have to be practical. It merely has to inspire, create the right direction of travel. Oh, and one other small thing. A safe seat for Frimley Coates. After all, in fifteen years or so, he’d be your natural successor.’

‘Aren’t you forgetting something Tony?’ Chipped in Carrie; ‘All the other people who have him by the short and curly what’s it’s!’

‘Am I Buffy?’

There was another pregnant pause, filled only by Charlie asking innocently; ‘How did all this arch enemy stuff start anyway?’

‘It all goes back to the Scripture Knowledge Prize. I noticed just the other day that you’d claimed to have won it, again.’

‘But I did!’

‘Over the heads of better men, by the most brazen swindling methods, “breath-taking impertinence” - weren’t those the headmaster’s words?’

‘Something of the sort, can’t say I remember precisely.’

‘No, they say psychopaths don’t remember pain. But what I do remember was that the Head went on to give a speech bemoaning the passing of corporal punishment, and his inability to tenderise your arse.’

Then Buffy began to laugh. A moment later he said, smiling; ‘Anthony, you are a one-man walking nudge unit.’

‘Well thank you, you’re too kind, Prime Minister.’

‘I don’t buy it.’ So said Charlie as we were crossing the carpark.

‘Just as well, cos’ it ain’t for sale!’

‘What went down back there? You had him on the rocks, yet he walked away with a spring in his step.’

‘I showed him a way out, not just from me, but from everyone else gunning for him. It’s the game Charlie, the motivation is in the thrill of getting away with it.’

75: The long day out

‘It never seems right, seeing the river so full of pleasure craft.’

‘Daphne! Yes indeed, never more stylish than when the Navy dominated.’

‘I think one of my ancestors was invited to review the college, before World War One.’ Chipped in Barmy.

‘Ah, one forgets, it wasn’t until the first decade of the twentieth century, that the British press started painting Germany as the enemy.’

We were all on the ferry crossing the river, to the one railway station in Britain that never had any tracks.

‘So, you see Mel, what is now a cafe, once had a booking office where you could buy a ticket to anywhere in the country.’

‘I’ve brought your book back.’

‘Excellent. I anticipated such an outcome and have brought along a new volume.’

‘More adventures?’

‘Of a slightly different kind. A book about Sherlock Holmes, written by a female PhD in psychology. Here, let’s do a swap right now, whilst we’re out of sight.’

‘God! Isn’t it going to be a bit advanced?’

‘I doubt it. I don’t know what the adults say about teenage frustrations these days, in my day everything was blamed on puberty, anyway don’t listen to any of it, your frustrations are about having an underused brain.’

‘You are terribly politically incorrect Tony.’

‘Oh, thank you very much.’

‘Mummy has taken charge of the packed lunches, could do with a drink right now. I bet they’ll snag all the wine for themselves.’

‘Ah, now, there’s a point. I should tell you on the quiet. Your father has never had a good head for alcohol, perhaps your mother is concerned you might have inherited it, apart from the fact that the female frame is smaller and therefore glass for glass, more susceptible to intoxication. Of course, she could also be worried about the prospect of man overboard. Anyway, how did you find the Adventures?’

‘Great. The opening story made me think of Daddy’s alleged grand connections, they came from Bohemia, born on the wrong side of some royal bed. Not the Grubers, obviously, his mother’s side.’

‘Hereditary bastards of Bohemia, sounds like a good title for a book, well, well, not the kind of ancestors to shout about.’

‘Is it true Grandpa used to be a spook?’

‘Snooper, not spook, well that’s the rumour, never actually had it confirmed. It is your mother’s father we’re talking about?’

‘Yes, he always says he was a civil servant. So, what’s a snooper then?’

‘Ah, well. First there were codebreakers, reaching back into the mists of time. Then add in military signals intelligence, Morse code and all that. Then whole networks of electric telegraphs, telephones, radio and finally the internet, all to be snooped upon.

‘Grandpa’s never been much of a one for tinkering.’

‘No, he, allegedly, got involved with how to interpret the product. Thing is, in recent times the US and UK have had the capacity to eavesdrop on all electronic communications from around the globe. So much data, that you have to come up with a system for the computers to filter it all for you. Then, how do humans set about interpreting what might or might not, be a threat...’ We were interrupted by a shout from over yonder.

‘I say! Are you two coming?’ It was Tuffy, gesturing from the riverboat. Everyone else it seemed was already on board.

‘Tuffy seems excited about his day out.’

‘Too excited. He’s taken to carrying his father’s hipflask.’ So said the Lady Vic.

‘Thank goodness it’s a small one, he hasn’t got his grandfather’s snuff box on him?’

‘Oh, I’ve not heard about that.’

‘Tried it at school once, but only the once.’

‘The thing is, he indicated he’s not too clever on boats, you’re not in a position to elaborate I suppose?’

‘I can’t ever remember being on boat with Tuffy.’

We made steady, one might say sedate, progress up the estuary, nonetheless a bit of a cross wind did give us a slight roll, along with the wakes of passing craft. Cat was getting into his stride as a tour guide. After a lengthy discourse on the naval college, taking us well passed the actual location itself, he barely had time to catch his breath before starting his preamble to our view of Greenway. Given Christie lived a long time, and indeed grew-up just down the road, there was a certain logic to giving a potted biography before the river narrowed and we came alongside the place she spent her declining years.

‘Looks like some sort of river crossing here.’ Said Walpole.

‘Oh, indeed. In modern times there always seems to have been a local boatman willing to ferry people across. But the village on the west bank has at least a thousand-year history, part of the church was started in Norman times, the tides are quite strong but at low tides it’s the last point on river that’s fordable, that’s why the village existed, why there was a road on which to build Greenway.’

‘One would never think it.’

‘Fords are often built-up and straightened artificially with river gravels, have to be maintained of course, remarkable how deep you can take a coach and four...’

Then suddenly he interrupted me; ‘I say, that Tufnell fellow is looking rather green about the gills.’

‘Serve him right for drinking too much.’

‘You know I once had cause to view the body of a man who died from poisoning, he had just that kind of distorted face.’

Sure enough, a moment or two later there was the sound of retching, and the sight of Tuffy bent over the side. ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ said Charlotte.

‘No Charlie, let him be, he’s Vic’s responsibility now.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. Discretion being the better part of valour and all that.’

‘Very good, sir.’

After what seemed like hours, there was a palpable feeling of relief all round when we finally made landfall.

Cat marshalled us on the quayside; ‘Let’s stick together till the river bridge, then I can show you where we’ll be picked-up.’

‘The railway sidings used to run as far as here.’ I said, falling in with Walpole again; ‘Shame the preservationists of the other line going towards the Moor, never thought of including it.’

‘That would have meant permissions, in and out of the BR station in two directions, unthinkable at the time.’

‘Alas.’

‘Alack.’

‘Now then,’ said Cat pausing to address us all. ‘The bus will be on the hotel side of the road, access to the castle is via the main street, follow me group.’ And with that he promptly turned away, with our erstwhile neighbour taking his arm. Charlie and I followed behind. I’d previously decided there was no getting out of it.

A minute or two later my loyal confederate whispered in my ear; ‘Don’t look round but we’re not being followed!’

I waited until we were passing under the famous archway before looking back down the hill. With the exception of Mrs Walpole looking in a gift shop window, there was no sign of anybody.

Sparkwell and I sat side by side on the park bench outside the entrance to the castle. Having consumed our cans of red wine with the beef sandwiches whilst on the boat, we now rewarded ourselves with the cheese sarnies and water!

‘You do realise we have less sex than we used to.’

‘Really? I hadn’t noticed.’

‘Well neither had I. It only came to me by accident.’

‘It doesn’t bother you?’

‘No. Well, not until I started wondering about whether it should. It’s kind of unfamiliar territory to me, being with someone for so long. I mean, I’d heard from others that things drop off.’

‘An unfortunate turn of phrase. Fact is, this is all rather unfamiliar to me too.’

We were prevented from further discussion by Cat and his companion emerging from the castle. She was saying; ‘So, the proper beacon hills to the west and east are both higher but out of sight, because we are lower than the surrounding hills, despite being at the high point in the valley. Is that what you are saying?’