71: The speech

Charlotte stood over my right shoulder, reading her tablet. ‘I don’t get it. None of this makes sense.’

‘Well, you know Rory...’

‘Yes, I get why he’d need a speech written for him.’

‘Not written, spoken, foretold if you like, at a time when he was highly suggestable.’

‘Yes. I get why words like these might be spoken by a right-wing MP. I just don’t see why he should go up against the PM. He’ll just draw attention to himself, I mean if anyone challenges him, he’ll fall apart in five seconds.’

‘Ah, but he’s under pressure to get on, from you know who.’

‘But if the PM prompted you, to get Rory to attack him, Rory won’t be going anywhere.’

‘Oh, I don’t know.’

‘So, what is the plan?’

‘Well Buffy just thinks it’s better PR to be seen to be pressured by others into doing the right thing, than suggesting it himself. Odd I know, something about the parliamentary party asserting itself, feeling it is really in charge, which of course it’s not.’

‘I can’t pretend to get all that, but what’s in it for us?’

‘Favoured status for the Park, a cooperative - if not particularly friendly - Chief Constable. All sorts of things that oil the wheels.’

‘Some people will notice these are not Rory’s words, and some of this is a blatant give away, “I won my seat by taking on the retired commissars of the metropolitan left who litter the English Riviera”. Quite a few people know that’s the sort of thing you’d say when taking the piss! And what of; “For you can only put the Great back into Great Britain, tackle the mountain of debt, and make us a going concern again with high and sustained economic growth. The Prime Minister has already spent all we can afford on the pandemic and stimulus packages for the North, the so-called Red Wall. The rest must come from becoming a low tax, low spend economy again. Yet as traditionalists it is our duty to maintain the military, the police and our security forces. Now the PM may not permit the word austerity to pass his lips, in this he is correct, for shaving budgets here and there for a few years will never be enough. The only way out is to cut absolutely the bloated and unnecessary state apparatus, the mindless bureaucracy which has grown around us all over the last fifty years. But, unlike entrepreneurial led growth, cutting the state is not a bottom-up process, quite the reverse.” The Beacon doesn’t normally reprint political speeches like this.’

‘Quite!’

‘Now this is just plain silly; “Number Ten must lead by example, the very cabinet table of which we are so proud, only comfortably sits eleven or twelve minsters, plus the Prime Minister himself and the Cabinet Secretary, there to record the minutes. With a reduction in ministries, there would be the chance of real cabinet government, again. Such was the situation the last time this country could call itself great. Now, we have a Cabinet Office employing a staggering eight thousand people.” This is the new Victorians thing I suppose?’

‘Absolutely, sounds a bit mad when Rory says it, but seen in cold print...’

‘And what about; “A Colonial Office of a few hundred administered an empire, now the same number hand out aid we can ill afford, for projects where we never discover whether they worked or not.” Is that true?’

‘It’s what the tabloid press believes to be true.’

‘Blimey, “a policy of intervention in the affairs of others is an outrageous foreign policy, hugely expense and merely encourages antipathy towards the West. I say trade, not aid.” There’s more, “the NHS has become a monster out of control, creating endless demand, as the population gets ever unhealthier. How wrong, Bevan and the men from the ministry were, to believe that the real cost of the NHS would fall over time as less people got ill.” Was that true?’

‘Oh, yes!’

‘I’ve had enough of this; we must get back to the garden.’

‘Is that your considered political position or a practical suggestion?’

‘Shut, up.’

‘Hang-on a second, does he get a mention in the editorial?’

‘Oh, yes. “A rare true-blue speech from the unknown MP who is only recorded as having spoken twice in the House of Commons. Perhaps he should assert himself more often for he goes straight to the heart of issues long championed by this paper.” A ringing endorsement then.’

Later that day I took a call; ‘I have the Prime Minister for you.’

‘Carrie!’

‘He’s using me as a bloody secretary now.’

‘You should get out more.’

‘Tell me about it, darling! It’s all right for him, he’s always out and about. Although, I rather think he wishes I could do a Charlotte and transform myself into a valette, when required.’

There was a sudden pause. Then Buffy came on the line. ‘Anthony! Just to say, marvellous job regarding young Rory, just the right tone, makes me sound like a sober minded judge. Ha! We can take it from here.’

‘But what will become of him?’

‘Well, he can’t very well accept a ministerial job now, after saying all he did about making cutbacks, can he? No, Chair of the parliamentary Whitehall watchdog committee should suit.’

The following week, Prudence approached me at the club. ‘Wasn’t he wonderful Tony? And I’ll let you in on a secret, it was all his own words, I had no involvement at all! I didn’t even see the script. What about that. You never believed it possible he could be his own man. As chair of this committee, he can call anyone to account, any minister, even Buffy himself. He is a force to be reckoned with. Now he’s being talked of as a future leader of the party.’

She seemed proud of her man, in a deeply unfashionable way. Feeling that perhaps life was getting just a tad too easy, I headed for the bar in search of a stiff drink.

‘Tony!’

‘Don! You’re spending a lot of time in this next of the woods, for one who’s meant to be a columnist for our leading national paper.’

‘I’ve been sent by my editor. He said; “You’ve got the connections, go be a reporter, find out about this MP who’s making the headlines.” Hoisted by my own petard. Having built Rory up at your request, now I’m being asked to knock him down.’

‘So, we are forced to ask, from whom does your editor take his orders?’

‘Better not to ask. Rather, why is it, that whenever I ask questions in this place the answers always seem to lead back to you! Or rather, you and your sidekick. Yet it also seems I’m in your debt, I hadn’t realised it was your recommendation that got me in here.’

‘We’re more than happy to have you.’

‘Rory is a chump. You contrived to get him elected, seemingly as a favour to his wife. As a consequence, this place, in which you have a financial stake, becomes a hive of political activity following on from the new MP’s support for the nation’s most notorious politician who in short order becomes the next PM. Now, I can’t write all that up, because it’s all too far fetched even for our readers.’

‘But you can’t go home empty handed. What you need is a nice little human-interest story about the life and loves of a chump, perhaps with a few choice anecdotes from an old school chum.’

‘Let me buy you lunch.’

‘I thought you’d never ask.’

70: The minority rule

‘It doesn’t look right somehow, seeing you driving a vacuum cleaner. Besides, you don’t clean nearly enough. What you end up doing once a fortnight, should be done twice a week!’ So opined Charlie with a raised voice.

‘It may sound incredible, but I did survive until nearly fifty, before you came along.’ I shouted back.

‘That’s actually quite scary to think about. You, without an effective restraining influence.’

I turned off the machine. ‘I don’t suppose you have a candidate for the role of cleaning lady, or home help, or whoever you think, we lack.’

‘No, not yet. Which reminds me we need to pencil-in more fishing leave, if I’m to clock-up the full six weeks before next April.’

‘Do you ever think about diversity Tony?’

‘Not often, but I did notice the other day we defiantly had more butterflies in the garden than I remember from last year.’

‘I didn’t mean that, I meant here in the club.’ So said Cat, as we propped up the bar.

‘Oh, you mean different sorts of humankind. No not really. After all, we’re interested in attracting like-minded people, that’s what clubs do. Besides we’re a club within a private house that happens to be a small employer, we don’t have to worry, do we?’

‘No, I was just wondering if anyone was counting?’

‘Well, apparently you have to use self-reporting, so ask people what they self-identify as. Strikes me that helps no one, forever being asked to label your differences, to self-stigmatise, rather than notice what brings people together.’

‘Don’t get many Blacks!’

‘Well of course not, they have a tendency to be poorer and to live in cities, the ones we do get are all Americans, signed-in as guests of members. Still, plenty of Eastern and Orientals eh! Or is that too much of an imperial reference these days? And certainly, a higher percentage than live in the bay area as a whole.’

‘Well, that’s money and education for you.’

‘So, what brought this on?’

‘Well, we were rather twiddling our thumbs at the last membership committee, only took a few minutes to review the list for any urgent, priority cases, there weren’t any. And no one has died or moved on this month. Got to talking about discrimination and all that. It’s all very well having a policy of ‘people like us’ but are we missing out?’

‘But you’re quite good at spotting, when you’re missing out the kind of people we need. I mean take Charlie, hardly your typical candidate.’

‘Yes, but you must have noticed old boy, how she’s changed. She’s more like one of us, than one of us now!’

‘Bravo to that.’

‘And what about religion?’

‘Ah well, we can’t be faulted there, we have representatives of every contradictory faith imaginable. So much so, that the less identified, the better.’

‘It all makes you think, though. Don’t you think?’

‘Cat, the one really important fact about people like us, who feel we see the world clearly, is we’re a tiny minority, hidden away out of sight of the rest of the world. Now does that make us an elite, or an irrelevance?’

‘Life, doesn’t have a plot, does it Tony.’ Said my lunch companion.

‘No Tuffy. Just a beginning, a middle and an end.’

‘I suppose one must consider oneself to be at the end of the middle.’

‘Or the beginning of the end.’

‘I say, that’s rather, glass half-full.’

‘Ah, but by being pessimistic, I’m always being pleasantly surprised.’

‘Do you ever think about love?’

‘You haven’t asked that question in a while! No, I think about sex, from dawn till dusk.’

‘Good lord!’

‘Now don’t get me wrong. Charlie puts it rather well, talks about love, like joy, having to be remade every day. The point is, as a heterosexual male, I have a sexualised orientation to life, a traditional masculinity if you will, towards everything. So, everything is a flirtation, an attempt at seduction, everything has a sexual component although actual sexual intimacy only occurs periodically. Before I settled down with Charlie, I had the reputation of being a bit of a lunchtime Lothario; so be it. You pay close attention to women you like; you create an atmosphere in which they, either verbally or non-verbally can communicate what they want. Then you give them, whatever they want. Which of course can be anything at all, sexual or otherwise.’

‘But where’s the right and wrong?’

‘There is no set menu Tuffy, just everything, everyone, slowly evolving.’

‘Victoria has led me back to the church, you really should seek a spiritual path.’

‘I have no problem finding spiritual experiences, religion can be fitted-in to evolution easily enough, but you can’t fit evolution into religion.’

‘It’s rhubarb crumble with lashings of custard today!’

‘And your Victoria’s religion allows that does it?’

‘Of course.’

‘How enlightened.’

‘Tony! I want you to meet Harry!’ So said the Don.

‘Henry Walpole, Don says you are the club.’ So said a small rotund male.

‘And I say more than that Harry; he is the spa, the conference centre and the Park. And, via the Arlington Trust, one of the most significant landowners in this part of the world.’

‘You flatter me Don.’

‘Only one thing holds him back from total domination - and that’s his better half.’

‘Ah, now that I do understand, my wife has recently retired me to the countryside, hence my desire to find somewhere to hole-up. This is all very pleasant I must say.’

‘Well, once you’ve got your face known, you must apply for membership.’

‘Harry, is not without reputation Tony, he has featured in many a crime story in our pages. As a legal eagle of course.’

‘Defence barrister, man and boy, alas now put out to grass.’

‘Tony here, let me tell you, was responsible for recovering the Crimean gold.’

‘Ah! Therefore, the better half Don mentioned, is in fact the Valette, also a feature of The Beacon?’

‘She gets around our Charlie.’

‘I look forward to making her acquaintance.’

‘She’s known to most as Sparkwell.’ I added.

‘Not by any chance related to a certain god-bothering gentlemen who it’s been my displeasure to encounter around the law courts by any chance?’

‘Daughter.’

‘Then I’m sure we’ll get along just fine. And if she ever needs legal representation, I’m her man.’

‘We’ll bare that in mind.’

‘Does the name Henry Walpole mean anything to you?’

‘I’ve never met him. Father was always moaning about him.’

‘What is he?’

‘Defending barrister, must be pretty ancient now. A thorn in father’s side, forever getting people off. A bit of a rascal.’

‘How so?’

‘Well, using underhand methods, like not taking the police’s word as gospel, but doing his own investigating, turning up new evidence and surprise witnesses.’

‘Sounds like a resourceful chap.’

‘Oh my god! He’s turned up at the club?’

‘The Don had him in tow.’

‘That figures. Had some remarkable successes in scandalous cases. You and Cat had better watch out, he’ll spot your machinations.’

‘Really. He offered his services to you, the second he found out who you were.’

‘My enemy’s enemy is my friend.’

‘Your strategic thinking is coming on by leaps and bounds.’

‘Rory! Long time no see, Charlie mentioned she was scheduled to give you a good pummelling. Come, let us sit by the fire.’

‘You know, the thing about Charlotte is, one always feels so much better about the rest of the world after a treatment. Funny that, almost benevolent.’

‘Well, that’s good, for an MP, what?’

‘Yes, you know if it weren’t for Prudence, I could happily spend my entire career on the backbenches.’

‘Becoming ambitious on your behalf, again, is she?’

‘Yes. Oh Tony! The problem is I’ve no idea how these chaps go about ministerial advancement.’

‘Well, surely they get themselves noticed, make grand speeches championing the issues of the day.’

‘But what are the issues?’

‘Well I would have thought the important one was obvious, the government has spent ten years worth of income, in a little over two years!’

‘Oh, yes, I suppose.’

‘Now then let’s stare into the fire, and see if we can’t foretell your future.’

69: Minor crimes and misdemeanours

‘Herr Gruber has arrived, sir.’

‘Okay. I’ll come down.’

‘I’m off to the shoppe, anything you require?’

‘Only a souvenir copy of The Beacon, Wooley’s capabilities with a smartphone camera are remarkable.’

‘The coffee is on.’

‘Excellent.’

The three of us sat, rather dumbfounded, around Charlie’s kitchen table. Before us was The Beacon’s front page. Under the banner headline, UP YOURS was an enlarged picture of Buffy, wearing his version of rugby kit, surrounded by his security detail. The Don had caught the PM with his tongue fully extended at the same time as his right arm was partially raised with the palm clenched and facing inward with just the middle digit straightened!

‘Is it true that palace flunkies lay out all the daily newspapers for Her Majesty in her private apartments?’ Asked Barmy.

‘Yes, wherever she happens to be.’

‘All the papers have it, Don must have sold it to everyone.’ Added Charlie.

‘Just as well she’s known for fixing her own, modest breakfast!’

‘Still, isn’t the whole point of the visit that the PM gets informal face time with the monarch?’ Barmy enquired further.

‘Indeed. Perhaps she’ll lecture him on inappropriate cultural appropriation. Anyway, since we are all sat here at this largish table, and between us can claim to represent the club dining committee, the finance and general purposes committee and the spa committee, I may as well show you the latest plans for the Park.’

I ran upstairs and returned with a cardboard tube. With an appropriate flourish, I laid before my companions an architect’s drawing. After we’d all reached for glasses and bowed our heads for a moment or two, Charlie said; ‘So it’s an extension out the back, with a patio, drinking fountain, then inside, aquatherapy where the garden currently starts.’

‘But all that necessitates a turnaround inside. New reception, more changing rooms. And we seal off access via the club, whilst opening up an entrance of it’s own onto the carpark. Your committee becomes the Sport and Spa committee. Those with just a golf membership, can get their own way in, but be processed via the spa.’

‘You think golfers are less clubbable, ya?’

‘And more prone to back injuries. Fact is the golf course; the spa and the conference facilities are growth areas. Whilst the club is in essence full, more members will just make it less amiable, we are already waiting for people to die off. Well, that’s the plan so far.’

‘So, how do we get the injured from the Games Room to the spa?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Good question.’ Added Barmy.

‘Just as easily, either taking the trolley out of the front or back door, level “disability” access either way.’

‘Oh right. Can I leave you to give our guest the tour, sir?’

‘Of course.’

‘I’m going to see what’s fresh to pick in the garden.’

Barmy, given the nature of his work, tends to take computer tech rather for granted. Once inside the Media Room, he seemed immediately preoccupied with the state of my library. ‘You have the breadth of learning, the historical reach, I admire that. But this arranging on a timeline, it makes for odd bedfellows I think, Dickens, Kipling and Conan Doyle amongst the European peasantry and the industrial magnets, fascinating. My mind is really too narrow for teaching you know, I reflect on that often, I make the students even worse.’

‘What, even fighter pilots?’

‘Sure, I seem to just take them even deeper into a world of minute calculations in featureless spaces. Your world is full of colour.’

‘That was Charlie’s first impression, the colour, even before she could tell one volume from another or realise there was a history of ideas. How’s Melisa?’

‘Interested, absorbed. It’s Daphne who you make think. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is the same trick with Charlie.’

‘Perhaps, that and providing a home for her to play in.’

‘Don’t ever let her grow-up will you.’

‘No, she tried that, didn’t suit.’

‘Yes, of course. I move on from the Navy soon, both the Brits and the Americans want me to write an assessment of the state of play with remote flying, also the alternatives, whether headsets might be the future, end of control panels and dashboards and all that.’

‘Dashboards make me think of cars, how long have us petrol heads got?’

‘A long time I would guess, two main things, a network of filling stations which are also garages where it is easy to leave one or two pumps; plus, what counts as a new car? Does an old one with almost all new parts count?’

Before Barmy left, I asked; ‘How far has Melisa actually got in her reading?’

‘She is currently immersed in the one about the two sisters, the wicked father and the deadly snake.’

‘The Speckled Band, how appropriate!’

A few days later, Charlie had me on my back in the treatment room; ‘I saw you were conspiring with the PM, again.’

‘Ah, that reminds me, given Rory will be hanging around the Park for the next few weeks…’

‘Yes.’

‘I need to approach him regarding a rather sensitive topic, you might tip me off, the next time you finish giving him a treatment.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘Very good, sir.’ And after a pause. ‘I know why you’re prepared to splash-out on the spa.’

‘Really?’

‘Archie told me about the offer, due to come before the main trustees.’

‘Ah.’

‘It’s a huge amount.’

‘Well, Thayer thinks it’s enough to scrap any idea of an auction with it’s inherent risks, and it comes from a group with a lot of experience in property management, who wouldn’t have a problem raising the cash.’

‘Will you all accept it?’

‘I would have thought it likely.’

‘Blimey!’

‘Well not so blimey, if you divide the price by the amount collected in rents from Melbury buildings every year, and then subtract the salaries of the dozen or so craftsmen we now have employed on restoration work across the county. Power comes with responsibilities, that’s the game we’re in now.’

‘And age makes one feel more responsible.’

‘Yes, I suppose so. But in some odd ways sometimes. Take our Doc, he’s starting to insist one turns-up on a regular basis for all sorts of testing, since I turned fifty. Seems, the medical profession is determined to make the older person into a hypochondriac. Health suddenly becomes all about who can live the longest, no matter how much medical tech you have to be strapped on to.’

‘But surely he’s pleased about your lifestyle improvements over the last couple of years?’

‘Oh, yes. But that just makes him ever keener, thinks he has a willing participant in their conspiracy. He won’t say, “carry-on, get even fitter on your own”, oh no, he’ll mention this or that pill to reduce even further any sign of aging. If they sold it as being about the quality of life, today, it wouldn’t be so bad, but they just can’t help banging-on about life expectancy.’

‘Perhaps he’s worried I’ll wear you out, bring on a sudden attack or seizure.’

‘Oh, well carry-on then, I couldn’t think of a better way to go.’

One day, soon after, Charlie jumped up from her desk exclaiming; ‘The police are here!’

‘Good lord.’

‘It’s the Chief Constable, she appears to be on her own.’

‘Blimey, as you might say.’

Charlie let her into the reception room. Then returned; ‘She wants to speak to us together.’

‘I see. What have you done?’

‘Me!’

Upon entering, I offered the esteemed officer a seat. ‘No thanks, I’m not stopping, I’m here against my better judgement as it is, but nonetheless, better this than a public ceremony with all the attendant free publicity. Here you are, one each.’

‘One what?’

‘Commendation certificates, for the return of the Crimean gold. Not my idea, and I’m supposed to say thanks from the First Lord of the Treasury. It was also suggested, that because of your ongoing cooperation coordinating the visits of said First Lord, that I should be the one to send in a recommendation for something for you both in the next honours list, not sure I can bring myself to do that.’

‘Well, you don’t want to be stuck in this neck of the woods all your career...’

Don’t, don’t even think of going there. Good day to you both.’

68: Rivals and restorations

I was lounging away an hour or so at the club one day, when I was approached by the secretary. ‘Anthony, my dear fellow, I wonder, can you tell me, in my capacity as manager of the Park, who or what the Constitution Group are? They’re seeking to book conference facilities via the website, and I haven’t a clue who one might be letting in!’

‘Ah, now, yes indeed. They consist, I think of about thirty in all, some MPs, some policy wonks plus assorted members of the governing party. All Brexiteers, but of a certain inclination, those who have a rather literal interpretation of “taking back control”, they lobby for the dismantling of all that European law accumulated over the last forty-five years or so.’

‘All Leavers, you say?’

‘Yes, but of a particular kind, there’s another group who just call themselves The Free Traders, who as you might imagine are concerned with barriers to trade, like their nineteenth century forebears. No, this lot, well the most extreme elements, would like to see the Supreme Court, taken to court under the Trades Descriptions Act, for flying under false colours. But the more sophisticated feel we should return to having just five Law Lords, properly confined within the Palace of Westminster with just one corridor to work from again! There is a body of opinion that says you can transform the countries fortunes a lot quicker if you simply repeal, on mass. Allow the common law and precedent to assert itself, so the previous law is automatically reinstated.’

‘Good lord, would that work?’

‘I’ve absolutely no idea.’

‘All sounds a bit eccentric.’

‘Of course, others simply call the Constitution Group - the Frimley Coates Supporters Club.’

‘Oh well. That’s all right. I’ll give them the go ahead then.’

‘Barmy’s back, he has the new pins, needs a bit of muscle to help in the Games Room though.’

‘Oh, right. Er, carry-on Sparkwell.’

‘Ah, she’s a game girl that one.’ Said the anonymous member sat next to me at the bar.

A while later I silently put my head around the entrance to the hallway. ‘Just hold her steady, I’m almost there Charlie.’ The two of them had begun to attract a crowd of onlookers, happy to merely watch and admire “men at work” so to speak.

‘Taught me all I know about keeping one’s back in shape.’ Someone quipped.

‘Loosened me up no end - and I’m due to collect my pension next year.’ Said another. I crept away.

A few days later, we were back. ‘Frimley!’

‘Anthony.’

‘I hear you and your cronies will be taking over the conference area for a couple of days next week. Have everything you need?’

‘Oh, I think so. Now you’re offering a dozen bedrooms it makes life easier. I should tip you the wink though, that the PM may put in an appearance. Apparently, Carrie has a cottage somewhere in the area, they’re hoping for a few days away from media intrusion. I merely mention it in case there’s any last-minute need for, well you and your companion’s skills at crowd control, so to speak.’

‘Thanks for letting us know.’

‘It does also occur to me that, my little convocation, might benefit from Wooley’s presence in the back row, as it were.’

‘Really?’

‘Extraordinary influence that rag has over the hearts and minds of the great British public.’

‘Perhaps I should leak your presence.’

‘That would be extraordinarily generous of you. Ready for a top-up?’

A week on and I was thinking it really might be judicious if we were present at the Park for day one of Frimley’s shindig. Not only had Wooley taken the bait, but Carrie had phoned the evening before to say Buffy was getting restless at the cottage and was threatening to seek an alternative sanctuary; ‘Somehow I don’t see the club working for him without your presence darling, you’re one of the few who can rein him in.’

Charlie proved hesitant. ‘So, remind me, where is the pecuniary advantage, in us doing this?’

‘Well, there isn’t one, apart from whatever fees are being collected from Coates’ mob.’

‘So?’

‘Well, it’s just about the general wellbeing of those we know and love.’

‘You mean your rather dubious acquaintances.’

‘Yes, okay, all of that. Just answer me this; wouldn’t you be feeling rather anxious and restless if you were stuck here, knowing that lot had the run of the Park to themselves?’

We planned no specific interventions you understand, beyond showing our faces everywhere and being convivial. We found the Don stoking the fire in the lounge. ‘I doubt you’ll find any interesting stories in here.’ I chided.

‘Tony! Yes, well. Frimley’s crew are still offering introductory congratulations and doing their version of an ice-breaker. I’d forgotten you don’t allow alcohol before twelve.’

‘Coffee Don?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Thank you, my darling.’ He watched her as she trailed off towards the bar. ‘Our readers like her. But it’s my proprietor who’s keen on what the constitutionalists have to say, how one spins that to our followers, god knows!’

‘What do the focus groups and reader’s panels tell you?’

‘Oh, traditionalists to the last man and woman, it’s just, how many people remember life before the EU? Where’s all this wood coming from these days?’

‘Purchased, at the normal rate from the local horticultural centre. The fact that they and the farms that supply them, are all owned by the family Trust, is a pure coincidence.’

‘Yes, of course.’

As Charlie returned and set down the tray, she said in her quiet unassuming way; ‘There would appear, gentlemen, to be a minor disturbance in the grounds...’ The Don was gone before she could elaborate. ‘At this distance, it would appear to be a band of warriors or insurgents, dodging around the golf course and approaching the far side of the lake, sir.’

On reaching the veranda window we were met by the sight of what might have been a platoon of commandos, running slightly stooped, towards the house. A darkly dressed group, around a central figure partially dressed and recognisable only too easily by the shock of hair. I was instantly transported back to school.

‘Who’s the blighter in the rugger shirt and pre-war footer bags? I’m sure I’ve seen him before.’ Said one of the older bar regulars.

‘Oh, Quentin darling, he’s the Prime Minister for goodness’ sake.’ Replied his much younger female companion.

‘Looks more like Roderick Spode, the amateur dictator.’

‘Oh, no, not another grand entrance.’ I mumbled under my breath to no one in particular.

‘You must wait for the “warm down”, it’s become quite a ritual of late.’ I turned to find Carrie at my shoulder, carrying what I assumed was Buffy’s change of clothes. ‘It all began with the protection officers trying to teach him the proper way to end a run, now it’s morphed into his version of a Maori Haka.’

‘Ah, Anthony, there you are, I was hoping for a word.’

‘You do surprise me Prime Minister.’

‘Gosh, still a little out of breath. Now then, now the crises can be presumed to be behind us, we’re anxious to move the agenda forward. The thing is, I’m often not the right person to raise issues. The media, the opposition and some of the great unwashed, seem to like it when I’m seen to be a bit out of touch, taken by surprise and forced to reluctantly concede things.’

‘Can’t say I’d noticed.’

‘Well, you never were much of a politico. Anyway, I was hoping Rory might come up with one of his ideas, make a speech maybe at one of the fringe party conference meetings next month.’

‘Since when has Rory, ever been known to have had an idea?’

‘Well, the last time you gave him one of course.’ Buffy then proceeded to outline his plan, and how I should persuade Rory, with or without the assistance of Prudence, to make a speech which would arouse support in the party and eventual cause the PM, to act. He then realised he was late for his appointment with Frimley’s followers.

‘See you later perhaps,’ I said.

‘No, we must be leaving for Scotland directly after my speech. We’ve been commanded to attend for a convivial long weekend at Balmoral Castle.’