3: Tuffy and the female of the species

‘Morning, sir.’

I opened my eyes only to find Sparkwell staring down at me, hands on hips and entirely naked, a moment later I realised the duvet had been pulled back. ‘Is the building on fire?’

‘No! It’s time to move to phase two of the programme, from now on we will be showering together, I wash you first, then you wash me.’

I followed her to the bathroom. ‘I should take a pee…’

She nudged me toward the cubical. ‘Just let-go, whenever you feel like it.’ It didn’t surprise me to find the shampoo, conditioner, assorted soaps and the flannel, all gone. ‘This is a bar of the simplest vegetable soap, we use it only on the armpits, arse and genitals. Your hair will return to its natural condition within a couple of weeks. No kneeling by the way, only squatting.’

Afterwards, whilst we were towelling each other off, and I was taking instruction on her hair, Charlie brought me up to speed. ‘There was a text from last night, your school chum Mr Tufnell requested an urgent meeting. I replied that today’s consultations would be at Macy’s from 11,00 am.’

‘He probably imagines himself in love again.’

‘Do you have an App for that?’

‘No, but I damn well should have. I’ll think on it. You know I’m sure I’m losing weight.’

‘You are. But it has to be in the right places. The diet won’t work without the right exercise at the right time, with the right intensity and the right body movements. We need to remove the premature ageing. But first I’ll have to loosen you up. We begin basic yoga this afternoon.’

‘Is there a principal to all this Charlie, you know I’m better with concepts than practicalities.’

‘Follow my arse, twenty-four seven.’

‘I always have.’

‘Push me, it’s what puts the smile on my face.’

‘I felt that.’

‘I’ll lay out our clothes for the day, sir.’

‘Tuffy old man, who amongst your regiment of relatives and friends really makes you jump-to?’ I asked as we settled at the corner table.

‘Well, quite a few of them put the fear of God into me.’

‘Yes, I get that, but fear isn’t exactly the best motivator in the long term is it? I mean who’s authority do you really respect, who’s the person you instinctively like the most, the person who, at the end of the day, you would obey because you knew it was the right thing to do?’

‘Gosh, well um, it’s hard to say...’

‘Tuffy! Whose image flashed across your mind as I spoke a moment ago?’

That forced a pause. ‘No, that’s - perverse.’

‘I believe you. Well, go and find five minutes of audio of his or her voice, give it to me, along with your device, then I’ll fix it so you can use it only via voice activation and the virtual assistant.’

‘No way! Anyhow, we’re not here to discuss your latest hacking schemes. Don’t you think Fiona is just the most wonderful girl you’ve ever met?’

‘Hard to say on the basis of a few minutes standing in a queue, with you desperate for her to serve you that ludicrous drink, plus the double chocolate chip muffin thing, and the toasted what’s it - which has already disappeared I notice.’

‘It was an instant click.’

‘Just as it was with all your other five day flings, now too numerous for you to remember.’

‘Passing fancies alas. This is the real thing.’

‘They always are. Tuffy, you have the worst case of Waitress Affective Disorder the world has ever seen.’ Suddenly there was a muffled cough, clearly Sparkwell was now lurking, rather than just skulking in the background.

‘I say old man, that’s not quite what one expects from an old and trusted friend.’

‘I’m surprised your sundry carers haven’t dragged you off to the consulting rooms of the notorious Dame Alicia Dolby. Come to think of it, she’s one of your lot, isn’t she? Twice removed or something.’

‘Who, she?’ murmured Charlie.

‘Our great nation’s leading looney doctor, Chair of the Royal College of Mentalists, and when called upon, Turnkey-in-Chief to the sons of gentlewomen. Besides, you shouldn’t ask, young Sparky, you should search - that’s what your new “top of the range” device is for.’

‘According to Mother, the Dame’s latest thing is the PMCS, the Pre-Marital Compatibility Scale - can you believe it?’

‘Out to undermine the “relationship guidance” market eh! You know, those types get away with it because people only turn-up after the trouble has started, then the therapist strings it out by claiming they can fix all. Well, they’re ripe for the taking, even with only the merest whiff an evidence base.’

‘Apparently if you score less than seventy-five per cent the whole thing’s off, less that fifty and you’re whipped into treatment right away. Of course it all depends on what kind of Plan you’re on.’

‘Look old chap, I don’t mean to be brutal, but you do realise your pretty lass is being nice to all the customers, especially the chaps, that way they spend more, it’s her job! She even uses more or less the same words with every bloke likely to put his hand in his pocket.’

‘But she let me buy her lunch the other day, she was hanging on my every word.’

‘Tuffy, these chain store coffee shops send their staff on training days just to learn how to butter-up the punters, they even have names for this kind of stuff, like “The Script” or “The Conversation”. You know all about this Sparkwell, you’ve done a bit of waitressing in your time.’

‘I really couldn’t say, sir.’ That made me pause, she hadn’t sir-ed me outside the confines of the flat or car before.

As we strolled home along the Prom, Sparkwell turned and confronted me. ‘You were bit strict with me back there.’

‘But, you sort of, like that?’

‘Not in public.’

‘Tuffy counts as public? Yes, of course he does. I’m sorry.’

Then, with just the hint of a chin thrust, she declared; ‘Never apologise, never explain.’

‘Then I’ll take it as read you already knew this Fiona sort, knew her place of work and that she was the object of the affections of the aforementioned?’

‘Naturally. You were a bit hard on him too, glib. I mean he’s the real thing isn’t he, a toff and a bit of an idiot? Whilst you lay it on, to disguise what you’re really up to.’

‘It’s all there for those with eyes to see. And it takes one to know one.’

‘All’s fair in love and war.’

‘First we try, then we trust.’

During our first yoga session, Charlie took me through breathing while standing and moving, the core, the centre - where all movement should begin and end. She did it by placing me behind her and by talking to the wall rather than face to face. ‘All movement changes our perspective, therefore emotions and thoughts change too.’ That’s when it hit me. One of those “the entire world has got it back to front” moments. Afterwards she left her mat where it was, in front of the bookshelves, squatting there for what seemed an age. ‘You’ve been sitting for more than ten minutes’ she said, without looking around.

‘I know, lost in thought. You’re more than welcome to read anything from my library by the way.’

‘I like to focus on the pattern of the colours, the odd titles. There’s no order to them though.’

‘That’s because the order is in the contents. They’re arranged by subject matter, but in one long continuous historical timeline. A lot of it isn’t events though, rather the history of ideas. About ten years ago I realised I couldn’t  get any further with computer tech without learning other stuff...’

‘Dining in tonight are we?’

‘I am, are you?’

2: Sparkwell and the quivering hand

‘I say old man, who’s that girl sitting at the wheel of your Sports?’

‘Hardly a girl Tuffy, she’s my new PA.’

‘I wouldn’t have thought you needed one?’

‘Neither did I, until I met her.’

‘Still, bit of a looker, healthy sporty type I should think?’

‘Fully qualified yoga teacher, and sports injury masseuse.’

‘Gosh, she could make a fortune around here.’

‘That’s precisely why she won’t allow me to sign her in, she doesn’t approve of the Park.’

‘Still, she was happy enough to chauffeur you here, eh!’

‘Yes, I rather think she wants to keep an eye on me. Thinks the place is a secretive hideaway for the rich, where we indulge in bad dietary habits, too much alcohol and unenlightened sexual practices.’

‘But it is.’

‘Quite.’

‘Does she know your Uncle had a hand in setting it up?’

‘Never mind that, how’s she going to react when she finds out I’m Chair of the dining committee?’

‘You must put your foot down, don’t let the hired hand get above itself.’

Should I try and explain my situation to Tuffy? No of course not. We’d been at school and university together, but how he ever passed an exam in anything is beyond even my powers of deduction. He’d noticed Charlie all right, but not the fact I was still sat here at the bar, drinking mineral water, whilst the rest of the lunchtime crowd were feeding their faces in the dining area. 'I must be off. I have to prepare a Tea for the Aunt.’

‘What’s her name?’

‘What? Tuffy you’ve met all my relatives on multiple occasions.’

‘No, I meant the name of your new girl.’

‘She’s not my girl, she’s Sparkwell.’

I was half way to the door when he shouted out for all to hear; ‘I say, she’s probably pinched that motor of yours by now.’

That got my attention and I returned briefly, gesturing with my mobile. ‘Perhaps she has, it would be of little consequence. This device not only connects to the security at the apartment, but the location and activity of the car’s computer, it also, as of a few days ago, tracks the device you saw her playing with as you arrived - I gave it to her as a work phone.’

Back at the car Sparkwell’s face was indeed in her screen. ‘Something truly weird just happened, I asked it a question and it replied in your voice.’

‘Yes, I thought I’d give it a try. It seemed a legit thing to do since it’s meant to be a work phone. Uses some code written by a pal of mine as it happens.’

‘But it talked about stuff you know nothing about, it, you knew all about me, you sounded like everyone I’ve ever known!’

‘It’s only my voice and speech patterns given to a single device; like any computer it only has the data you’ve given it, what you’ve downloaded, what you’ve searched for, plus the very limited amount it can learn from your voice.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘Once it’s learnt a bit more, it should be the voice you want to hear. It won’t wind you up the way I do!’

She countered; ‘Finished all your business at your club?’

‘Just a small commission, and a brief chat with the chap who clocked you when he arrived.’

‘He ogled.’

‘Well, that’s Tuffy for you.’

‘What did you tell him?’

‘Just enough to wet his appetite.’

‘What!’

‘Don’t panic, there’s method in my madness, within an hour my entire network will know I’ve got a new girlfriend fifteen years my junior with whom I’m so smitten I even let her drive my most treasured possession.’

‘But, why?’

‘Because, like it or not, my aunt, the self-appointed head of the family is coming for tea this afternoon. She will inspect the apartment, inspect me, pass judgement on my character and in return expect her usual tea served from the family tea service with a couple of sugary fancies on the side to keep her going till dinner time.’

‘Christ!’

‘However, she will be pleasantly surprised to discover a deferential employee who might just be the answer to her dreams.’

‘How come?’

‘All you have to do is serve tea in your own way, but in a respectful, know your place sort of a way, and think; how can I help this woman?’

Outwardly I maintained a calm and certain manner. Inwardly I thought if this goes belly-up we’re both in the shit. There is a time for standing up to Aunts, and a time for knowing where one’s best interests lie. Wisely I thought, Sparkwell had changed into her new suit. Unsurprisingly the intercom buzzed at four o’clock prompt. ‘Now then Charlie, just wait five seconds, then open the door.’

‘Mrs Hayward? I’m Charlotte Sparkwell, your nephew’s new assistant, do come in. May I take your coat?’

‘Er, thank you.’

‘Welcome! Welcome once more to my humble abode, seems but yesterday, care for the new décor, the new ambience?’

‘Oh do stop blathering Anthony! I’ve had a most vexing day so far.’

‘Really?’

‘First a most unsatisfactory consultation at the clinic, then a frankly bewildering conversation with Brinkley at the accountants, then at lunch, to hear from one of my oldest friends, rumours that you have embarked on yet another clandestine relationship...’

‘How embarrassing for you, I trust I shall be able to, clarify the situation. Tea in five minutes, if you would Charlotte.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘Of course I’m not one for taking idle gossip at face value... How strange, now you come to mention it, there is a soothing aroma to this room. Most unusual.’

‘I should just say, that although Ms Sparkwell is here in an administrative capacity, she has volunteered to undertake some domestic responsibilities.’

‘Anthony dear, why do you need an administrative assistant? I presume it will mean you taking even more money from the trust?’

‘Technically, yes. But if you’ve been talking to Brinkley you’ll know that over the last few years the trust’s overall assets have increased considerably.’

‘That is precisely what I don’t understand, how in such dire economic times can the trust be expanding so much in the face of your continuing profligacy and my unavoidable medical expenses. Can you explain it? Brinkley seemed to think it was all down to judicious investments made some years ago in what he called ‘Internet Start-ups’, whatever they may be, which have now been sold off for some reason. Frankly I worry from whom they take advice.’

‘Perhaps he should be congratulated?’

‘You still haven’t answered my question. You have more time on your hands than most.’

I lent forward and adopted a confidential tone. ‘Well, I’m rather hoping she’ll take care of my media, keep the emails in check, keep the begging letters down and the more tiresome of my friends off my back...’

‘Really! I’ve never heard such incomprehensible inconsequential nonsense.’

‘Tea, Mrs Hayward?’

‘Oh, thank you dear, I must say it’s nice to see a young woman so soberly dressed, so rare these days, I fear my nephew is always somewhat over dressed, what his grandmother would have called, “like some American Dandy”, you must waste a fortune on button holes alone.’

‘I hope you’ll forgive my choice of tea, it’s been recommended to me for its medicinal qualities. I am hoping to persuade your nephew to pursue a more, restrained diet.’

‘Oh! I do so agree.’

‘Forgive my saying so madam, but I couldn’t help noticing your hands. I should say that in my former life I studied sports science, trained in physiotherapy and massage techniques for sports injuries. I was curious as to what treatments you’ve been able to access?’

‘Oh my dear, I’ve tried everything! Why just this morning my tiresome doctor tried to fob me off with more pills, what he insisted were “a new more sophisticated form of pain relief”, complete nonsense...’

It was then I concluded the moment had come to tune-out and let Charlie ‘take point’. I allowed my mind to wander. It seemed but a matter of seconds before Aunt Elisabeth was on her feet and being guided towards the ‘treatment room’, formerly known as my spare bedroom.

I must have dosed off, for the next thing I heard was, ‘..he’s lived a completely wasted life you know, shown no inclination whatsoever towards a career, a wife, children…  Wake-up Anthony, I’m leaving, I shall be in touch... Now I don’t know what he is paying you, but I’m sure a little extra... ’

1: Charlie takes charge

Now then, touching on the matter of young Sparkwell, my PA, where do we stand? Some have gone so far as to assert that I’m totally dependent on her. Well, it is true I gave up trying to run my own affairs within weeks of her arrival. I’d only hired her for a few hours at the start, as a sort of physical therapist you know, but then somehow she seemed to be able to anticipate my every need.

It was one morning in spring that everything underwent one of those transformations that everyone talks about these days. I opened my eyes to find her standing over me. She was holding a class of water with a slice of lemon in it. ‘Drink this, sir. It will cleanse your system.’

‘What time is it?’

‘Dawn, drink it before going in the shower.’

‘I normally start the day with at least two black coffees, at about nine o’clock! Wait a second, how did you get in?’

‘I never left. I spent the night in the treatment room.’

‘In my spare bedroom you mean. But there’s no bed!’

‘I often sleep on my table.’ She turned to the mirrored wardrobe, slid open one of the doors and began to inspect the contents. I couldn’t help noticing, not for the first time, how her fitness trainer’s uniform showed off her undoubted - fitness!

‘Finish your drink, then into the shower.’ She asserted with crisp resolution.

‘I can’t, not whilst you’re here, I have an early morning erection, exposing myself would hardly be appropriate, as your employer.’

‘Glad to hear it, there is no natural reason why all men shouldn’t wake up with a stiffy well into their seventies. Pretend I’m not here, servants have been treated that way for centuries.’

When I exited the shower cubicle a short while later, still in a state of some arousal, she was standing there, holding my towel. ‘On reflection sir, a subservient relationship would not be therapeutic, since I shall be introducing elements of Tantra into the programme.’

Charlotte Sparkwell B.Sc. (32), graduate in Sports Science, qualified Yoga teacher and expert in Indian massage techniques, came to me on the recommendation of the employment agency. But as she stood there in the doorway the first time, holding her portable massage table, bedecked in various mobile devices and carrying a small knapsack, I realised we’d met before. ‘I say! It’s Charlie, one time waitress at the Harbour Cafe.’

‘Yes, well a girl has to make ends meet. Where shall I set up, sir?’ It seemed barely a matter of moments before she was sat opposite me, having left her shoes at the door, set up her gear in the second bedroom and returned with notebook, pencil and tablet in hand, announcing; ‘First it is necessary to do an assessment.’

‘Well the thing is, I know it’s all psychological really, there’s nothing truly wrong with me - my quack has told me as much. But pain is real, isn’t  it? I’ve just had a lot of aches and pains recently, muscular pain, difficultly relaxing, spent a fortune on talking therapy over the years, but that only seems to work for the duration of the sessions.’

‘Do you know from where your distress comes?’

‘Oh yes, my entire world, my pals and most of all my relatives!’

And so I tumbled out my woes for ten minutes or so, then she started to explain what she could offer. The body’s outer extremities, hands, feet, and face held the most nerve endings, were on a direct route to the brain and every other part of the body she explained, and you didn’t even have to take off your clothes. When I countered that it didn’t sound very scientific, she said she liked to stick with ‘heuristics’ since they could be instinctively understood by clients, something about ‘embodied cognition’ if I cared to look it up. ‘Touch has a direct line to the emotions, sir!’

‘Well, yes, there’s no denying that.’ I replied. There was something about this woman that I’d noted in her days at the café, but now close up, eyeball to eyeball as it were, became ever more apparent. It showed in the smile, a beaming intense smile, which at first one thought could never be maintained, but was. It had a hypnotic quality, and in its broadness seemed only just on the right side of madness. In other words she was brilliant, and isolated because of it. Or so I suspected. During our hour and a half or so in the spare room, she created the atmosphere of relaxation with convincingly eastern music and calm words, and delivered the most intense and thorough manipulation of feet, hands and scalp imaginable.

She visited twice a week after that. Worked me over, I relaxed and her touch did indeed seem to connect to all parts of the brain and body. Pain relief led to sexual arousal - which was okay apparently so long as I focused solely on the breath, watching it rather than trying to control it, and just ‘let go’. I was instructed to practice flexing my PC muscles. ‘Our aim is go beyond sex.’ That pronouncement came during the evening session before my unscheduled dawn awakening.

Still a little shaken from Ms Sparkwell’s sudden shift in behaviour I made haste for the kitchen as soon as I was dressed, unwilling to face the world unfortified. My favoured bread appeared to be missing. On closer inspection I found other items gone from the fridge and cupboards. I was about to call out, but the scent of this indecently healthy and fertile Cheshire cat told me she was already present.

‘I took the opportunity to detox the area, if you give me fifty pounds I can restock with more appropriate items before preparing a light lunch, say for one o’clock?’

‘I normally lunch at Crawford Park.’

‘I couldn’t recommend it, sir.’

I instigated a long pause. ‘Are you angling for a job Charlie? A relationship? Perhaps you’re just temporarily homeless?’

The smile was there again, but a little more relaxed around the edges. ‘I can get plenty of work; yoga teaching, sports massage, reflexology, whatever! But I could never afford to live in a place like this. All this space, the view. Sometimes I just want to be in the window and meditate for hours. But I can’t do relationships, I’ve tried. The thing is, what with the intimacy of what I do, I’m on all the fucking time. I just have to be in control, it’s the way I am…’

‘Okay, stop there, otherwise you’ll tell me too much. Anyhow you don’t know nearly enough about me yet. I think I know an answer, but I’ll have to think it through. In the meantime, here’s the fifty for the housekeeping. I look forward to lunch!’

‘Very good, sir.’ And with that, she was gone.

Reviewing the situation, I knew it could be made to work. There was a kind of understanding between us. But what might scupper it from the outset was the attitude of the rest of the world. At school, and later at university in the early Nineties, our lot were sometimes referred to, a little glibly, as ‘trust fund brats’, the assumption being that money was never a problem, that an endless supply was there simply by virtue of reaching adulthood. But for nearly all of us, we never had money as individuals, we were beneficiaries as children of the family trust, and as adults, trustees of the family trust. As older relatives died off, younger ones found themselves signatories to funds which brought with them responsibilities and liabilities as much as assets. The older members had the authority, but increasingly with age required more of the readies.

Contrary to popular opinion, we may be time-rich but we are never idle. Staying rich requires effort, spending money can be an investment or a waste. My pals and I are the Web generation and in this world the nerd and the geek rule! Understand that and you are half way there. The majority, in their post-modern politically correct bubble may regard us as outliers to be labelled somewhere on an autistic spectrum, but we know we are more sensitive not less, flooded with impressions of pain - and that is what gave me the edge in approaching an understanding of young Charlotte.

Lunch as I feared looked less than appetising, but when a chap’s gone without breakfast! ‘Aren’t you going to join me?’

‘I prefer to eat standing up.’

‘Bye the way I’ve decided you can live here, you can have bed and board and whatever cash 48 hours per week of the living wage comes to. On paper you’ll be my Personal Assistant, with this as your home address, but once the rent for a room in a place like this is worked out, income tax, national insurance, council tax, health plan, pension, six weeks paid leave etc. etc. The bit of paper you’ll get from the office will, if I’m any judge, show a salary not far short of 30k. What do you think?’

‘Parking?’

‘Actually that might be the trickiest to fix, I’ll do what I can.’

‘I’ll prepare today’s treatment.’

‘Oh! Charlie. One other thing, you must try to stop thinking of life as a series of puzzles, as a search for meaning, of why questions or mysteries; start thinking of it as a game, after all you already behave that way.’

The spare room was looking even more like a therapist consulting room. ‘I’ll require you to be naked from now on. I need to be able to fully monitor your responses.’

‘If this turns out at all sexual Charlie, I’ll only go along with it if you let me do something for you, reciprocity and all that, you’ll just have to make it bleedin’ obvious what you need, cause I’m a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.’

‘As you wish, sir.’