139: To the manor born

‘You two still yacking?’ She said, looking accusatively in my direction.

‘What is yacking?’ Said the voice from the chaise lounge.

‘To talk aimlessly.’ I interceded.

‘But we talk seriously, purposefully. And we are old buddies, ya?’

‘May I remind you, sir! We are due at Checkley in time for lunch. Number two car is out the front, packed and ready to go. No offence Barmy.’

‘Then we will conclude.’

‘What on earth is that?’ Charlie said looking at my screen.

‘Tony’s timeline, for the years preceding his parent’s death, so far it’s only plotted with the data from the two sets of passports, British and Swiss, but they are all road border crossings, we’ve been speculating.’

‘Amongst others things. I’ve also briefed Barmy on Jack, vis-a-vis Mel.’

‘Right.’

‘Give me a second and I’ll email this infographic to the two of you, all ideas welcome because although I learnt plenty from Daphne and Archie, that’s just eliminated possibilities, not actually suggested any answers.’

Barmy rose to leave; ‘Give some care to how you present the data, at some point you may want to give it to Eltham’s AI app. In time I’m sure he will connect it to all the road mapping data coming from his self-drive EV’s, that’s already including European borders, manned or not. If Wieck wanted the passports, or wanted them back, then it must still be a live issue, the present day should be your baseline.’

‘Holy shit!’

‘This is what they pay me for Charlie, holy shit, I see myself out.’

‘Do you trust Barmy?’ She asked when we were on the road.

‘I don’t need to; we’ve talked all this through before. Besides, we’re all family in a sense. The wildest question that occurs to me in sleepless moments is, was Barmy, then a recent import from Germany, placed alongside me at school on purpose, by persons unknown?’

‘Now that would be creepy! Anyway, what worries me now is how your uncle will react if our holiday is disturbed by my house hunting parents. I told Thayer to text any and all developments.’

‘I did pre-warn him that we might have to step out and meet your folks at some point.’

‘Thanks.’

As we were unloading at the manor, I said; ‘It’s been months and you still haven’t noticed when it’s staring you in the eye.’

‘Noticed what?’

‘Where the dish is.’

‘Should I have?’

‘This boot lid, it’s somewhat thicker than it used to be!’

‘Oh, my... I just thought I was losing it because I couldn’t get so much in. So, Jack’s lads fitted them to both?’

‘Sure, same method that’s used when they’re fitted under the skin of an aircraft.’

Then a voice-off shouted; ‘Come on you two, you're late.’

‘Fulsome apologies for our late arrive.’ I said as we came through the door of the big kitchen.

‘He says, dripping with sincerity.’ Replied uncle, with that whiff of existential despair.

‘Sorry too, in advance, for us being distracted by my parents.’ Added Charlie.

‘Now that’s, a legitimate excuse.’

A moment or two later, just as we were dunking fresh-baked bread into our homemade soup, my mobile pinged. When I raised my head from reading, they were all looking at me; ‘That was an email from Bernard.’

‘Who?’ Asked Julia.

‘His solicitor, someone finally caught up with him no doubt.’ Quipped the uncle.

‘Congratulations Charlie, you are, in the absence of any other claimants, now the proud owner of all the worldly goods of the late great Kenneth Murchison.’

‘And the flat?’

‘Any money raised to go to the Trust, Bernard suggests we give some thought to how his life might be memorialised, which by great good fortune is also now your responsibility too, given your position as lead trustee for charitable affairs.’

‘How much will the sale raise?’

‘Well, despite it having only one bedroom, it has as you’ve so often expressed, a grand location and situation, Bernard suggests there really is only one estate agent in the county capable of promoting...’

At which point Julia interrupted my peroration by reaching over and handing Charlie what looked like a copy of the forthcoming edition of The Countrywoman, presumably containing the photo spread of, and her extended captions on, the royal visits. There was a cheque paper-clipped to the front, though I was unable to read the amount.

‘But this is way too much.’ Protested Charlie.

‘Nonsense my dear, this is the second time in the magazine’s history you’ve enabled us to put Royal Exclusive on the cover.’

Late afternoon I went in search of Gregson before he packed up for the day. ‘You had me confused when you arrived sir, you not heading for the vines, like.’

‘We were late, and I rather assumed they’d be neglected.’

‘His lordship struggles a bit these days, though I doubt he’d admit as much.’ Then, looking directly at me, he said; ‘I must thank you for what you’re doing for our Tim.’

‘Er, Tim Adler is one of yours?’

‘Cousin Irene’s boy. She married an Adler, funny that. My father had three brothers, that’s how Gregsons is everywhere hereabouts. He used to love visiting when he was a nipper.’

‘He’s a useful gardener, and smart with it!’

‘Of course you see that, sir. Steering him towards the Arlington Trust and all. The others, family like, they see good school work and think, chance to get out of rural concerns. Always liked the lad. What do you make of this girl he’s hanging around with?’

‘Ah! She’s the daughter of old friends, known her since she was a child too. Tell anyone who’s concerned to rest easy.’

‘Now I must tell you, we had a day out on the railway the other day, there was a call out for volunteers to try out the first battery train. The wife put together a traditional picnic basket, quite a party atmosphere in our carriage in the end. Then afterwards we repaired at the Railway Arms, wonderful display of old photos, I couldn’t help wondering what’s intended for the bay platforms that used to take trains up the valley?’

‘Well, there is a thought they would make a good location for servicing a Dining Train, that could shuttle up and down in the evenings.’

‘Use some old Brighton Belle Pullman’s likely as not?’

‘No, no. They’re all in use by the charter trains. No, the thought is a couple of Mark One buffet cars could be restored as proper kitchen cars, back-to-back, with open First Class carriages at either end. Authentic, mid nineteen fifties.’

‘Course if you were to do it proper like you’d need to be serving Brown Windsor soup, lamb and two veg. Maybe suet pudding to finish.’

‘Perhaps we should hire your good lady to consult!’

The Moor takes people in different ways. Though we were only to be away twenty-four hours, I’d spent many hours prepping Charlie and she was in constant touch with Junior Jack. Little could be left to chance. I insisted for example that the room we would use overnight must be inferior to the one occupied by Sparkwell KC and wife.

‘We are lowly, we are humble, we attend upon and defer to. Whilst you sit demurely and hold your tongue, I am enthralled by his every utterance.’ I expounded, as I drove us through the labyrinth of moorland roads.

‘You’re going to have me behave in just the way father always expected of me. He’ll assume I’ve finally been broken on the wheel.’

‘It’s a game I’m willing to play because I’m not you. I’m guessing the fastest way to get him to relax and feel safe, is to mirror him. And tomorrow is a Sunday.’

I’m sure dear reader you are only too familiar with the modern hotel dining experience, which of course is why we have the club, so I’ll cut to the chase. Talk of house hunting arose of its own accord, but it wasn’t until later over coffee in the lounge that Sparkwell senior felt able to unburden himself. ‘Our worry, as even you may appreciate Charlotte, is as much about finding a spiritual home as a material one.’

‘I wonder sir, when you were consulting Mr Thayer, whether you took the opportunity of visiting the cathedral?’

‘Most certainly.’

‘Well, on the floor above County Estates is the office of my accountant Lawrence Brinkley, he does the cathedral’s books. And on the floor above him is my solicitor one Bernard Merriweather who is the Chancellor of the diocese of said cathedral, now they’re a gossipy old pair but, it strikes me they might be well-up on the kind of gossip, you’d want to know about.’

‘You seem remarkably well-connected Tony?’ Said Charlie’s mother.

‘Well, everyone knows everyone else hereabouts, it’s just the way it is.’

‘Thank you, Anthony. You’ve given us much to think about.’

‘Perhaps we should leave it there for today then.’

‘Yes, tomorrow is an early start. The manager informs me the local church is but a short walk.’

‘Only five minutes, but uphill all the way, father.’ Said Charlie, rising majestically.

137: Father, mother and me

‘Oh my god, they’re coming to visit.’

‘That’s nice.’

‘Nice! You’ve met him.’

‘Well, it’s a situation that’s doable, at least for a short time. When are they are coming?’

‘Not for a while.’ Charlie replied, her head in her mother’s handwritten missive. ‘And father’s finally retiring. I don’t believe it. Oh no! He wants to “take the opportunity to look at properties in the west country.” Well, they can stay off the Riviera for a start. And she wants me to recommend a hotel. I suppose the Grand is, well, what they’d consider grand.’

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, you are slow sometimes, send them where you’ve got a man on the inside, the Manor House.’

‘Right, I wasn’t thinking.’

‘Junior Jack is just the fellow to keep your father in order, looming in the lounge. And another thing, you’ve got friends, if your parents are moving it’s a chance to find out all the legal ins and outs of your family, steer them towards Barney Benson, better still go in on the ground floor and hit them with Thayer, it’s what that building is for.’

‘County Estates is outside father’s price range I should think.’

‘But Thayer will offer to find them their ideal property, if he knows what’s good for him.’

For once it was me inviting Daphne for lunch at the club. After the usual pleasantries I tried to get swiftly to business. ‘We need to have a serious talk Daph, ghosts from the past are, unsettling me, shall we say.’

‘Gosh! Not more accusations about me being an agent for my father I hope?’

‘No. But let me apologise in advance, I do have to ask you about your father’s world. If you’re able to answer, please do so, if not, try to distinguish between don’t know, and not at liberty to say.’

‘Hell, this had better be important. I’ve had enough of trips down memory lane. So, what’s this all about?’

‘I don’t know, that’s the point. Who or what is, or was, Casper Wieck?’

‘A hanger-on of Daddy’s.’

‘They worked together?’

‘Sure, and used to see each other in retirement.’

‘Just, how senior was your father in the end?’

‘Deputy Chief.’

‘And Wieck?’

‘Head of Personnel.’

‘Sounds a bit euphemistic!’

‘No, but yes. I mean government communications is a big employer, the seventies, a time of expansion for them. Lots of positive vetting. But yes, sort of internal security as well. And...’

‘Yes?’

‘Look Tony, there were all sorts of formal channels for distributing the product, with Whitehall committees attached. But once in a while, there had to be informal, face to face contact with odd individuals from the other agencies. Wieck would handle that. When I was a kid, if Daddy had to be contacted out of hours, it would be Wieck who came to the cottage. That was the only time, you know, hand on the shoulder afterwards; “You know Daddy’s work is a bit secret, no need to mention the visit”. My point is, Wieck was the only one who really knew anything about the world of the spooks.’

‘And what was Murchison’s role?’

‘Ken? He was entertainment. Same generation, only stayed a few years, the butt of jokes often, I mean he was the last of his kind, had to oversee, climbing telegraph poles, messing with mechanical exchanges, you know, your actual adding extra kit to wires, international cables, museum stuff. And radio of course. Amuses Barmy to this day. What’s this really all about Tony?’

‘He was genuinely attached to my aunt Elisabeth, not just the gardener, left an old Will, leaving her everything. Why was Wieck at the funeral?’

‘Out of respect?’

‘Tidying up loose ends more like, only he didn’t succeed. How’s Barmy?’

‘Fine, I think. In Germany, with a solicitor, one of your lot. Wills again, one of his many relatives dropped of the twig. Barmy thinks he can snatch another chuck of the family fortune for the foundation. Mel keeps saying all that nonsense will stop with her, rather admire her for it.’

Over the years Charlie and I have tried to limit our visits to Head Office, in our great cathedral city. Killing as many birds with one stone as possible. And we’ve got into the habit of entering by the ground floor and working our way up. The first surprise of the day was to find Barmy lounging with Thayer at the back of the shop; ‘I was told you were in Germany.’

‘That was yesterday. We were talking about you. Ways of turning cash into bricks and mortar.’

‘I was saying, how profit, in rural enterprises rarely tells you about the real value of assets like land and buildings.’ Thayer explained.

‘Quite right.’

‘Brinkley sent word he wants to see you two. And since you’ll be going that way you might care to deliver these papers regarding your old apartment. Tell him he has forty-eight hours to fix it, whatever the fix is, before those details go in the window, at market price!’

‘Number forty-two is sold?’

‘Finally.’

‘Right. Now, we never arrive without a purpose, over to you Charlie?’

‘My father is retiring, looking for a property in the west country, we were wondering if you could, I can’t believe I’m talking like this, help manage the situation, facilitate an outcome, conducive to all parties...’

‘Being as how, you’ve just told the whole world you’ve never got on!’ Thayer interrupted.

‘Did I? Oh god.’

‘Fear not, point them in my direction, I’ll endeavour to keep all parties satisfied. Now, you don’t want to keep Lawrence waiting, besides Mr Gruber here, by all accounts is an even more important client than you Tony.’

‘That man is getting ideas above his station.’ I said as we ascended the back stairway to the first floor.

Upon entered, Brinkley’s voice boomed; ‘In here you two.’ I was beginning to regret the comprehensiveness of security in the building, but then I only had myself and Fin Heptonstall to blame!

Just as Brinkley opened his mouth to speak, I shoved Thayer’s papers in his face, then took up my usual position of admiring the second-best view.

‘Yes. Yes.’ He mumbled whilst perusing the papers; ‘Mackintosh has been much on my mind of late. In more ways than one. Are we committed to this?’

‘Gentleman’s agreement, handshake and everything, an offer to treat, and an acceptance.’

‘Leave the law to Bernard, Tony. You have noted the difference in these figures?’

‘Yes.’

‘Thayer knows the market.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I...’

‘Cat has already paid in kind, future prospects with Jack’s garage look very rosy.’

‘Jack! This office has no truck with him.’

‘Then I’m your cut-out, I keep you squeaky clean!’

‘Yes, well that’s as maybe. And now, Mackintosh wants to institute a park run, of all things, Charlotte?’

‘It’s an idea, it would have to be a cross-country event, not enough paths and they’d have to stay off the golf course, he suggested a paper chase, keep it traditional.’

‘Insurance will never wear it. Plus, with your MP’s visit, this leaves the whole park organisation severely exposed.’

‘Larry, you’re not making any sense.’

‘It doesn’t matter how well you’ve sweet-talked her; MPs have to account for their every action these days, two forms, it’s either expenses or the register of freebies!’

‘So?’

‘Public documents, it won’t be her, just some, beady-eyed left-wing journalist, one article, one call to the tax office, that’s all it takes. We need to formalise certain internal arrangements at the Park.’

‘How?’

‘Three departments, say Spa and Sports, Conference Facilities, House and Hospitality. Clear accounting, if Macintosh is organising events for Spa and Sports, that’s consulting or volunteering, not the club which is just renting from House and Hospitality. Wooley rents from Conference Facilities, however much he wines and dines guests in the club, follow?’ He said looking in Charlie’s direction.

‘The whole point of the Park is it’s informality.’ She replied.

‘It’s appearances and reality again Charlie, paperwork makes stuff, official.’ I interceded.

‘Oh, right.’

‘Agreed?’ Asserted Brinkley.

‘Agreed. Where’s Bernard?’

‘Incommunicado.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘At home, in Spain, the doctors have ordered complete rest. No online, no nothing.’

‘What’s happened?’ As I was asking, Charlie spied something behind Brinkley’s chair and rose to investigate.

‘Fell over in the outage, hairline fracture, whole foot and ankle strapped up, stick and everything...’

‘In the outhouse?’

‘In the power cut!’

‘Another one!’ Charlie exclaimed, holding up a new bottle; ‘Irish whisky not enough? Bespoke again I suppose.’ Turning it to the light she continued; ‘Seriously? “Brinkley’s Rum”, oh come on!’

‘Care for a glass?’

‘No thanks.’

‘Slip-up stairs and you’ll find Bernard now offers, raspberry and lemon liqueurs.’

‘Charlie, we’re leaving. Clearly, we’re paying these people too much!’

120: Spies r' us

Nothing much happened until we’d come off the M5, joined the M4 and were approaching our turn-off at the junction north of Bath. We were using number two car.

‘I think you have a tail, old boy.’

‘What?’

‘Been with us since Bristol.’

‘Well, I am cruising just inside the speed limit.’

‘Looks like a government car to me. I must say this extra mirror for the passenger side, is very good.’

‘Got it from an old driving instructor friend, years ago. However, time passes.’ I started fiddling with the dashboard computer controls. ‘There you go, rear view camera.’

‘Good lord!’

‘So, zooming-in on the number plate, now we just wait a second, there, on the side panel. Now that is one of the restricted codes, is that government? I know it isn’t the code for any of the police forces.’

‘Beyond me old man.’

‘Anyway, let us have a go at zooming-in for facial recognition. Well, blow me, we don’t need the database for that. I know him!’

‘You have some strange friends.’

‘Hark who’s talking! The last time we met, he was running security at Downing Street for one Buffy Trumpton. Acted as a bit of a mentor for Charlie when she was on the inside, during the global summit.’

‘But is he friend or enemy now, that’s what you have to ask yourself?’

‘Or, have he and his mate, just had the same invitation to attend a funeral as we’ve had?!’

As we entered the main village street at Chipping What Not, still being followed, there were vehicles parked all along the church side of the road. We were rapidly flagged down by Melisa, so darkly and formally dressed she reminded me of Charlie. She opened the door for Kenneth. ‘I’m under strict instructions to escort you around today, Ken. Tony, Dad says to drive on to the cottage, he’s reserved the second parking space for you.’

‘Will do.’

Barmy and I walked the couple of hundred yards to the church together; ‘I should tell you; Daphne is in agreement at last to go to your solicitors with her father’s Will, then we bring ours up to date, with trust or foundation arrangements for all our combined assets. Too much for Mel and Bel to handle right now, should disaster strike.’

‘And the cottage?’

‘We’ll hang on to it for now, make a nice holiday home.’

‘Like so many others, here about.’

‘Quite so, you may find Daphne on the war path about your mate Jack, she saw him in the news, no smoke without fire stuff, wondering why Melisa is negotiating with him for a car, Mel even said she quite fancied being a motor mechanic. You can imagine.’

‘Thanks for warning me.’

‘Are we the last?’ Barmy asked Daphne.

‘Last from the list, but there’s half the village in there too, they remember mummy, which is nice.’

‘Chin-up and best foot forward then Daph.’ I spoke.

‘We need to talk about Melisa, simply refuses to look at the universities. Unbelievable, a straight A student, talking about apprenticeships in classic cars, or social care courses for the shelter. And totally under the spell of you and Charlotte. Damn it Tony, we have to explain to the girls about the money within weeks.’

‘Well, she’s showing all the social graces today.’ I quipped, with no Charlie to restrain me.

‘Just, just get inside the two of you.’

As we walked down the nave, Ken seemed to be being acknowledged by many and was happily chatting away. I sat on one side of Daphne, Barmy on the other, whilst the girls twittered away to themselves. I said; ‘If you want to positively-vet Jack, just drop by the club. Henry Walpole successfully defended him about twenty-five years ago on a charge of handling stolen goods, he walked from the court without a stain on his character. It’s just our chief of police who never forgets and is forever thinking two plus two must equal five. And Fiona, our part-time Marketing manager, spends most of her time working for Jack as his front of house, receptionist and admin assistant, at his classic car workshop.’

The service got underway, it was all very right and proper. Significant others giving readings and what I took to be an ex-colleague, talking about a lifetime of public service. All devised by the old man himself, presumably. The tone didn’t change until the end, when the vicar invited us all to join in with the singing of Jerusalem. I was taken aback by the gusto of my fellow attendees as we belted it all out, so inevitably the service concluded with; ‘...In Englands green and pleasant Land.’

At the graveside I found myself in the second row, as it were, amongst a sea of strangers. Suddenly one of the men next to me said, in not quite hushed enough tones; ‘You are Anthony Arlington. My name is Casper Wieck.’

‘I’m sorry, have we met?’

‘You don’t recognise me, that’s good. You’re not one of us then?’

‘I don’t think so. Friend of the family.’

‘Still your face is familiar, never forget a name. Perhaps your file passed over my desk at some time. Retired now, can’t say I know what’s going on anymore. Still, you brought Murchison. How is the old rogue?’

‘He’s my gardener now.’

‘Good lord!’ Heads turned, he shut up.

As we moved on from the graveyard, I caught up with an only too familiar figure; ‘Nice seeing you again!’

‘How are you, sir? Sparkwell not driving you today?’

‘Well, it is only a two-seater and I’m here with another friend of the family. But then you’d know all about that.’

‘Word to the wise, sir. I think you’ll find people aren’t so much curious about you, but the car. Even more than your longstanding association with the secret state’s leading techno-head.’

‘Is that Barmy’s reputation these days?’

‘Very much so, sir.’

‘I suppose there’s no point asking what your job is now, or who you answer to?’

‘We get moved around, sir. Do give my regards to Ms Charlotte.’

Back at the cottage; ‘Thank God you’re here! I’ve no idea what’s going on.’ Said Melisa, sideling up.

‘Well neither have I!’

‘Yes, but you’re at least, normal.’

‘How’s Ken?’

‘Just got him a decent seat and a cup of tea. He looks knackered.’

‘I’m sure. Why don’t you give me a tour of the place, haven’t been here in thirty years.’

When we reached Daphne’s, Daddy’s study, Mel said; ‘The sanctum sanctorum.’

‘You might care to raid his library, don’t imagine your parents will be much interested. And of course, people traditionally love hiding vital and ancient paperwork between the pages of books. Anyway, your mother gave me an ear-wigging about you, seemed to blame Charlotte and myself.’

‘She’s mad. And something about Grandpa’s death has put her in a panic.’

‘Well spotted, look I might as well tell you, I’m not meant to know, but it’ll give you a chance to prepare yourself. Part of his Will jumps a generation, giving monies direct to you and Bel, when you each turn eighteen.’

‘Really? I had no idea. Is it like, a lot?’

‘By the standards you’re used to, yes; but in terms of the bigger picture, your father’s inheritance, peanuts.’

‘How do you know any of this Tony?’

‘I’ve known all the players a long time. Also, I’ve been keeping control of a family fortune out of the hands of others myself, for a very long time. So, to cut a long story short, work for Captain Bob, work for Jack, or both if you care to, just sign-up for a night school class in accounting, you need to know the value of money and it’s not what most people think it is.’

Arriving back in the front room, Kenneth declared; ‘We can go now Anthony. All’s done and dusted.’

On the road home Kenneth was quiet for a while. Then; ‘Well, that was enlightening, most instructive.’

‘It was?’

‘Oh, yes. All up to date now, fully briefed.’

‘You wouldn’t care to enlighten me would you, nothing much about today has made any sense.’

‘Oh, no. That would never do, need to know and all that.’

86: Money goes to money

‘Oh, there you are. You disappeared to get the post ages ago!’

‘I’m gobsmacked.’

‘By whom?’

‘By what. This cheque from The Beacon, it’s massive!’

‘Are well, royals, that’s a different league all together.’

‘Perhaps I was wrong to turn down Don’s offer to act as agent and sell the pics on.’

‘No. Wise decision. A good reputation for discretion, is worth more in the long run.’

‘You still think they won’t mind about me doing the exclusive for The Countrywoman?’

‘It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it. A small regional magazine exclusive, authored by the photographer, highlighting good works rather than high jinks. No problem.’

‘You going to drive me to Jack’s garage then?’

‘Yes. As long as you promise to bring number one car straight back here and garage it, and put the car cover over it.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘I’ll hang around for a while, then return and park out front. I know, it’s a silly conceit. But you’d be amazed how unobservant the average person is. And at the very least we get a good laugh out of it, we might even gain some as yet unknown advantage.’

‘Tuffy didn’t notice when we loaded the picture frames.’

‘There’s nothing average about Tuffy!’

I returned in time for lunch. ‘Here. Take a look at this.’ Said Charlie, passing over a print-out whilst we were sat at the kitchen table. ‘It’s a programme for Melisa, one whole night shadowing the manager at the shelter, then a day off, then a day in the shop, a day at the halfway house and a day in the office including a committee meeting.’

‘Looks good, a teacher will visit at some point, worth finding out when.’

‘Oh, right.’ Then the doorbell rang. ‘That will be her now, I’ll let her in.’

As Melisa came on through, she said; ‘Love the new car, Tony!’

Charlie collapsed in hysterics.

‘And there’s nothing average about Mel either!’ I asserted.

‘What’s going on?’

‘Tony reckons no one will notice the new car, it being so similar to the other one. He thinks we can go on pretending to have one, when in fact be have two. Our mews garage looks like a single, but is in fact long enough to take the two.’

‘That’s cool. Actually, I think he might be right about most people.’

‘Here! Charlie has worked out a programme.’ I handed over the piece of paper.

‘That should be great, thanks.’

‘Have some lunch.’

‘Okay. Dad will be here to pick me up in about fifteen minutes, said he wants a catch-up.’

‘I could show you the treatment room.’ Said Charlie.

‘Magic.’

‘So, this guy just walks straight up to me and says, I believe you’re an old friend of Anthony’s, like he knows you. Turns out it is his brother who met you years ago. But anyway...’ We were coming down the stairs after our conversation in the media room. ‘Are you ready Melisa?’

A moment later they emerged from the treatment room. Charlie and I stood by the front door and watched them go. ‘Did Barmy say anything about the car?’

‘No, hasn’t noticed yet.’

‘How much does it cost us going by car to your great cathedral city?’

‘Well, it used to cost, two or three quid I suppose, plus parking fees.’

‘I’m losing money every day I don’t pay that cheque in.’

‘True.’

‘Archie already thinks I’m saving too much, when I should be investing.’

‘That’s his job, buyer beware. Only ever invest amounts you can afford to lose.’

‘How much is that?’

‘Well, it’s different for everybody, but traditionally the rule of thumb is twenty per cent of your overall assets.’

‘What’s good to invest in then?’

‘First mistake. You should only be considering things you know about, things where you are confident of your level of expertise. Never trust people who invest, that is spend, other people’s money. Even with things like charities, those who donate should actually be able to see, literally, where their money is going. That’s why local charities tend to be more ethical.’

‘The only thing I’m meant to know about is sports and leisure.’

‘There is another aspect to investing you might want to consider, there are those people who are what you might call, investors for influence rather than profit, people who own a few per cent of a business, then exploit their rights to the full, call people to account at shareholder’s meetings, sometimes sit on boards, know their company law back to front.’

On our next foray to the Park, Charlie asked; ‘How much is the whole stables enterprise costing?’

‘An arm and a leg, probably. I’m making it half a dozen or so contracts, spread over several years. It has certain nightmare scenarios. Like almost reaching completion only to find new wrought iron gates don’t quite hang properly, that sort of thing.’

‘God!’

‘And it’s a very long-term investment, indulgence you might say. Just raises the value of the leases on the bungalows really. You can’t have astronomical management fees otherwise it defeats the point of what are in essence retirement properties. But the entire grounds will look forever neglected if it isn’t sorted.’

‘Then is that it, for improvements?’

‘Apart from all the never-ending stuff, replacing pipes, better insulation, developing our own sources of energy etc. You do it bit by bit over very long periods to try to absorb the cost.’

‘Talking of investments.’ I said as we entered the bar; ‘I spy a forum addict. Cat!’

‘Tony, Charlie. I heard that!’ He said looking up from his mobile. ‘And you’re right of course. What I’ve been a bit slow to pick up on, is how the portal, well all sorts of social media I suppose, interacts, is part of real life. I always tell myself to go into the portal before setting-out, not always possible, but you can’t just turn up here anymore and find out what’s happening by idle chat because people announce and report, post photos and videos online, then assume when you buy them a drink that you’ve already consumed all that!’

‘The online club has become integral you mean; you can’t be part of one without the other.’

‘I know by the standards of the Internet that the advertising is pretty tame, but none the less it is a bit intrusive.’

‘Well, speaking as the principal administrator, it’s either that or accept above inflation increases in fees. I spend too much time in the portal too, I suppose what we really need is a marketing manager, for the Park as a whole.’

‘Geeky, tech savvy.’

‘Therefore young. Classy, stylish...’

‘Country bred, a face, who can handle the media.’

‘Female.’

‘I’m still here you know! I may be ferreting behind this bar, but I can hear every word.’ So piped-up Charlie.

‘But you know what we mean!’

‘Sure, but it would probably cost you seventy grand to get one full-time, you know.’

‘Good lord!’

‘I say!’

‘What you need Holmes, is Fiona.’

‘Who’s Fiona!’ Said Cat and I in unison.

‘You are slow sometimes, you go on about observational awareness, but miss it, her that is, when she’s staring you in the face.’

‘Go on.’

‘The face of Jack’s Classic Cars, the pretty but smart, front of house, who enchants the rich but dim punters, is the same Fiona who once worked at Macy’s and ensnared Tuffy years ago.’

‘Good lord!

‘I say!’

‘Precisely, sirs.’

‘But we’ll never entice her away from Jack, if she’s all you say she is.’

‘You won’t have to, most of what you need is online, right? I know she likes her job, but a lot of the time she just has to sit there waiting for the next customer, offer her a package. Staff privileges when she needs to be the face here, which is more than likely evenings and weekends, plus ten or fifteen hours or whatever, done from some sort of encrypted programme on Jack’s computer.’

‘Sod that, I’ll provide the hardware thank you very much.’

‘Well, there you are then. Another drink, gentlemen?’

‘Thanks. You know Cat, I think we should get a negotiator on site right away.’

‘Oh, absolutely.’ He replied, as we both stared at Charlie.

‘What’s the finder’s fee?’

‘Good lord!’

‘I say!’

75: The long day out

‘It never seems right, seeing the river so full of pleasure craft.’

‘Daphne! Yes indeed, never more stylish than when the Navy dominated.’

‘I think one of my ancestors was invited to review the college, before World War One.’ Chipped in Barmy.

‘Ah, one forgets, it wasn’t until the first decade of the twentieth century, that the British press started painting Germany as the enemy.’

We were all on the ferry crossing the river, to the one railway station in Britain that never had any tracks.

‘So, you see Mel, what is now a cafe, once had a booking office where you could buy a ticket to anywhere in the country.’

‘I’ve brought your book back.’

‘Excellent. I anticipated such an outcome and have brought along a new volume.’

‘More adventures?’

‘Of a slightly different kind. A book about Sherlock Holmes, written by a female PhD in psychology. Here, let’s do a swap right now, whilst we’re out of sight.’

‘God! Isn’t it going to be a bit advanced?’

‘I doubt it. I don’t know what the adults say about teenage frustrations these days, in my day everything was blamed on puberty, anyway don’t listen to any of it, your frustrations are about having an underused brain.’

‘You are terribly politically incorrect Tony.’

‘Oh, thank you very much.’

‘Mummy has taken charge of the packed lunches, could do with a drink right now. I bet they’ll snag all the wine for themselves.’

‘Ah, now, there’s a point. I should tell you on the quiet. Your father has never had a good head for alcohol, perhaps your mother is concerned you might have inherited it, apart from the fact that the female frame is smaller and therefore glass for glass, more susceptible to intoxication. Of course, she could also be worried about the prospect of man overboard. Anyway, how did you find the Adventures?’

‘Great. The opening story made me think of Daddy’s alleged grand connections, they came from Bohemia, born on the wrong side of some royal bed. Not the Grubers, obviously, his mother’s side.’

‘Hereditary bastards of Bohemia, sounds like a good title for a book, well, well, not the kind of ancestors to shout about.’

‘Is it true Grandpa used to be a spook?’

‘Snooper, not spook, well that’s the rumour, never actually had it confirmed. It is your mother’s father we’re talking about?’

‘Yes, he always says he was a civil servant. So, what’s a snooper then?’

‘Ah, well. First there were codebreakers, reaching back into the mists of time. Then add in military signals intelligence, Morse code and all that. Then whole networks of electric telegraphs, telephones, radio and finally the internet, all to be snooped upon.

‘Grandpa’s never been much of a one for tinkering.’

‘No, he, allegedly, got involved with how to interpret the product. Thing is, in recent times the US and UK have had the capacity to eavesdrop on all electronic communications from around the globe. So much data, that you have to come up with a system for the computers to filter it all for you. Then, how do humans set about interpreting what might or might not, be a threat...’ We were interrupted by a shout from over yonder.

‘I say! Are you two coming?’ It was Tuffy, gesturing from the riverboat. Everyone else it seemed was already on board.

‘Tuffy seems excited about his day out.’

‘Too excited. He’s taken to carrying his father’s hipflask.’ So said the Lady Vic.

‘Thank goodness it’s a small one, he hasn’t got his grandfather’s snuff box on him?’

‘Oh, I’ve not heard about that.’

‘Tried it at school once, but only the once.’

‘The thing is, he indicated he’s not too clever on boats, you’re not in a position to elaborate I suppose?’

‘I can’t ever remember being on boat with Tuffy.’

We made steady, one might say sedate, progress up the estuary, nonetheless a bit of a cross wind did give us a slight roll, along with the wakes of passing craft. Cat was getting into his stride as a tour guide. After a lengthy discourse on the naval college, taking us well passed the actual location itself, he barely had time to catch his breath before starting his preamble to our view of Greenway. Given Christie lived a long time, and indeed grew-up just down the road, there was a certain logic to giving a potted biography before the river narrowed and we came alongside the place she spent her declining years.

‘Looks like some sort of river crossing here.’ Said Walpole.

‘Oh, indeed. In modern times there always seems to have been a local boatman willing to ferry people across. But the village on the west bank has at least a thousand-year history, part of the church was started in Norman times, the tides are quite strong but at low tides it’s the last point on river that’s fordable, that’s why the village existed, why there was a road on which to build Greenway.’

‘One would never think it.’

‘Fords are often built-up and straightened artificially with river gravels, have to be maintained of course, remarkable how deep you can take a coach and four...’

Then suddenly he interrupted me; ‘I say, that Tufnell fellow is looking rather green about the gills.’

‘Serve him right for drinking too much.’

‘You know I once had cause to view the body of a man who died from poisoning, he had just that kind of distorted face.’

Sure enough, a moment or two later there was the sound of retching, and the sight of Tuffy bent over the side. ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ said Charlotte.

‘No Charlie, let him be, he’s Vic’s responsibility now.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. Discretion being the better part of valour and all that.’

‘Very good, sir.’

After what seemed like hours, there was a palpable feeling of relief all round when we finally made landfall.

Cat marshalled us on the quayside; ‘Let’s stick together till the river bridge, then I can show you where we’ll be picked-up.’

‘The railway sidings used to run as far as here.’ I said, falling in with Walpole again; ‘Shame the preservationists of the other line going towards the Moor, never thought of including it.’

‘That would have meant permissions, in and out of the BR station in two directions, unthinkable at the time.’

‘Alas.’

‘Alack.’

‘Now then,’ said Cat pausing to address us all. ‘The bus will be on the hotel side of the road, access to the castle is via the main street, follow me group.’ And with that he promptly turned away, with our erstwhile neighbour taking his arm. Charlie and I followed behind. I’d previously decided there was no getting out of it.

A minute or two later my loyal confederate whispered in my ear; ‘Don’t look round but we’re not being followed!’

I waited until we were passing under the famous archway before looking back down the hill. With the exception of Mrs Walpole looking in a gift shop window, there was no sign of anybody.

Sparkwell and I sat side by side on the park bench outside the entrance to the castle. Having consumed our cans of red wine with the beef sandwiches whilst on the boat, we now rewarded ourselves with the cheese sarnies and water!

‘You do realise we have less sex than we used to.’

‘Really? I hadn’t noticed.’

‘Well neither had I. It only came to me by accident.’

‘It doesn’t bother you?’

‘No. Well, not until I started wondering about whether it should. It’s kind of unfamiliar territory to me, being with someone for so long. I mean, I’d heard from others that things drop off.’

‘An unfortunate turn of phrase. Fact is, this is all rather unfamiliar to me too.’

We were prevented from further discussion by Cat and his companion emerging from the castle. She was saying; ‘So, the proper beacon hills to the west and east are both higher but out of sight, because we are lower than the surrounding hills, despite being at the high point in the valley. Is that what you are saying?’

69: Minor crimes and misdemeanours

‘Herr Gruber has arrived, sir.’

‘Okay. I’ll come down.’

‘I’m off to the shoppe, anything you require?’

‘Only a souvenir copy of The Beacon, Wooley’s capabilities with a smartphone camera are remarkable.’

‘The coffee is on.’

‘Excellent.’

The three of us sat, rather dumbfounded, around Charlie’s kitchen table. Before us was The Beacon’s front page. Under the banner headline, UP YOURS was an enlarged picture of Buffy, wearing his version of rugby kit, surrounded by his security detail. The Don had caught the PM with his tongue fully extended at the same time as his right arm was partially raised with the palm clenched and facing inward with just the middle digit straightened!

‘Is it true that palace flunkies lay out all the daily newspapers for Her Majesty in her private apartments?’ Asked Barmy.

‘Yes, wherever she happens to be.’

‘All the papers have it, Don must have sold it to everyone.’ Added Charlie.

‘Just as well she’s known for fixing her own, modest breakfast!’

‘Still, isn’t the whole point of the visit that the PM gets informal face time with the monarch?’ Barmy enquired further.

‘Indeed. Perhaps she’ll lecture him on inappropriate cultural appropriation. Anyway, since we are all sat here at this largish table, and between us can claim to represent the club dining committee, the finance and general purposes committee and the spa committee, I may as well show you the latest plans for the Park.’

I ran upstairs and returned with a cardboard tube. With an appropriate flourish, I laid before my companions an architect’s drawing. After we’d all reached for glasses and bowed our heads for a moment or two, Charlie said; ‘So it’s an extension out the back, with a patio, drinking fountain, then inside, aquatherapy where the garden currently starts.’

‘But all that necessitates a turnaround inside. New reception, more changing rooms. And we seal off access via the club, whilst opening up an entrance of it’s own onto the carpark. Your committee becomes the Sport and Spa committee. Those with just a golf membership, can get their own way in, but be processed via the spa.’

‘You think golfers are less clubbable, ya?’

‘And more prone to back injuries. Fact is the golf course; the spa and the conference facilities are growth areas. Whilst the club is in essence full, more members will just make it less amiable, we are already waiting for people to die off. Well, that’s the plan so far.’

‘So, how do we get the injured from the Games Room to the spa?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Good question.’ Added Barmy.

‘Just as easily, either taking the trolley out of the front or back door, level “disability” access either way.’

‘Oh right. Can I leave you to give our guest the tour, sir?’

‘Of course.’

‘I’m going to see what’s fresh to pick in the garden.’

Barmy, given the nature of his work, tends to take computer tech rather for granted. Once inside the Media Room, he seemed immediately preoccupied with the state of my library. ‘You have the breadth of learning, the historical reach, I admire that. But this arranging on a timeline, it makes for odd bedfellows I think, Dickens, Kipling and Conan Doyle amongst the European peasantry and the industrial magnets, fascinating. My mind is really too narrow for teaching you know, I reflect on that often, I make the students even worse.’

‘What, even fighter pilots?’

‘Sure, I seem to just take them even deeper into a world of minute calculations in featureless spaces. Your world is full of colour.’

‘That was Charlie’s first impression, the colour, even before she could tell one volume from another or realise there was a history of ideas. How’s Melisa?’

‘Interested, absorbed. It’s Daphne who you make think. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is the same trick with Charlie.’

‘Perhaps, that and providing a home for her to play in.’

‘Don’t ever let her grow-up will you.’

‘No, she tried that, didn’t suit.’

‘Yes, of course. I move on from the Navy soon, both the Brits and the Americans want me to write an assessment of the state of play with remote flying, also the alternatives, whether headsets might be the future, end of control panels and dashboards and all that.’

‘Dashboards make me think of cars, how long have us petrol heads got?’

‘A long time I would guess, two main things, a network of filling stations which are also garages where it is easy to leave one or two pumps; plus, what counts as a new car? Does an old one with almost all new parts count?’

Before Barmy left, I asked; ‘How far has Melisa actually got in her reading?’

‘She is currently immersed in the one about the two sisters, the wicked father and the deadly snake.’

‘The Speckled Band, how appropriate!’

A few days later, Charlie had me on my back in the treatment room; ‘I saw you were conspiring with the PM, again.’

‘Ah, that reminds me, given Rory will be hanging around the Park for the next few weeks…’

‘Yes.’

‘I need to approach him regarding a rather sensitive topic, you might tip me off, the next time you finish giving him a treatment.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘Very good, sir.’ And after a pause. ‘I know why you’re prepared to splash-out on the spa.’

‘Really?’

‘Archie told me about the offer, due to come before the main trustees.’

‘Ah.’

‘It’s a huge amount.’

‘Well, Thayer thinks it’s enough to scrap any idea of an auction with it’s inherent risks, and it comes from a group with a lot of experience in property management, who wouldn’t have a problem raising the cash.’

‘Will you all accept it?’

‘I would have thought it likely.’

‘Blimey!’

‘Well not so blimey, if you divide the price by the amount collected in rents from Melbury buildings every year, and then subtract the salaries of the dozen or so craftsmen we now have employed on restoration work across the county. Power comes with responsibilities, that’s the game we’re in now.’

‘And age makes one feel more responsible.’

‘Yes, I suppose so. But in some odd ways sometimes. Take our Doc, he’s starting to insist one turns-up on a regular basis for all sorts of testing, since I turned fifty. Seems, the medical profession is determined to make the older person into a hypochondriac. Health suddenly becomes all about who can live the longest, no matter how much medical tech you have to be strapped on to.’

‘But surely he’s pleased about your lifestyle improvements over the last couple of years?’

‘Oh, yes. But that just makes him ever keener, thinks he has a willing participant in their conspiracy. He won’t say, “carry-on, get even fitter on your own”, oh no, he’ll mention this or that pill to reduce even further any sign of aging. If they sold it as being about the quality of life, today, it wouldn’t be so bad, but they just can’t help banging-on about life expectancy.’

‘Perhaps he’s worried I’ll wear you out, bring on a sudden attack or seizure.’

‘Oh, well carry-on then, I couldn’t think of a better way to go.’

One day, soon after, Charlie jumped up from her desk exclaiming; ‘The police are here!’

‘Good lord.’

‘It’s the Chief Constable, she appears to be on her own.’

‘Blimey, as you might say.’

Charlie let her into the reception room. Then returned; ‘She wants to speak to us together.’

‘I see. What have you done?’

‘Me!’

Upon entering, I offered the esteemed officer a seat. ‘No thanks, I’m not stopping, I’m here against my better judgement as it is, but nonetheless, better this than a public ceremony with all the attendant free publicity. Here you are, one each.’

‘One what?’

‘Commendation certificates, for the return of the Crimean gold. Not my idea, and I’m supposed to say thanks from the First Lord of the Treasury. It was also suggested, that because of your ongoing cooperation coordinating the visits of said First Lord, that I should be the one to send in a recommendation for something for you both in the next honours list, not sure I can bring myself to do that.’

‘Well, you don’t want to be stuck in this neck of the woods all your career...’

Don’t, don’t even think of going there. Good day to you both.’

68: Rivals and restorations

I was lounging away an hour or so at the club one day, when I was approached by the secretary. ‘Anthony, my dear fellow, I wonder, can you tell me, in my capacity as manager of the Park, who or what the Constitution Group are? They’re seeking to book conference facilities via the website, and I haven’t a clue who one might be letting in!’

‘Ah, now, yes indeed. They consist, I think of about thirty in all, some MPs, some policy wonks plus assorted members of the governing party. All Brexiteers, but of a certain inclination, those who have a rather literal interpretation of “taking back control”, they lobby for the dismantling of all that European law accumulated over the last forty-five years or so.’

‘All Leavers, you say?’

‘Yes, but of a particular kind, there’s another group who just call themselves The Free Traders, who as you might imagine are concerned with barriers to trade, like their nineteenth century forebears. No, this lot, well the most extreme elements, would like to see the Supreme Court, taken to court under the Trades Descriptions Act, for flying under false colours. But the more sophisticated feel we should return to having just five Law Lords, properly confined within the Palace of Westminster with just one corridor to work from again! There is a body of opinion that says you can transform the countries fortunes a lot quicker if you simply repeal, on mass. Allow the common law and precedent to assert itself, so the previous law is automatically reinstated.’

‘Good lord, would that work?’

‘I’ve absolutely no idea.’

‘All sounds a bit eccentric.’

‘Of course, others simply call the Constitution Group - the Frimley Coates Supporters Club.’

‘Oh well. That’s all right. I’ll give them the go ahead then.’

‘Barmy’s back, he has the new pins, needs a bit of muscle to help in the Games Room though.’

‘Oh, right. Er, carry-on Sparkwell.’

‘Ah, she’s a game girl that one.’ Said the anonymous member sat next to me at the bar.

A while later I silently put my head around the entrance to the hallway. ‘Just hold her steady, I’m almost there Charlie.’ The two of them had begun to attract a crowd of onlookers, happy to merely watch and admire “men at work” so to speak.

‘Taught me all I know about keeping one’s back in shape.’ Someone quipped.

‘Loosened me up no end - and I’m due to collect my pension next year.’ Said another. I crept away.

A few days later, we were back. ‘Frimley!’

‘Anthony.’

‘I hear you and your cronies will be taking over the conference area for a couple of days next week. Have everything you need?’

‘Oh, I think so. Now you’re offering a dozen bedrooms it makes life easier. I should tip you the wink though, that the PM may put in an appearance. Apparently, Carrie has a cottage somewhere in the area, they’re hoping for a few days away from media intrusion. I merely mention it in case there’s any last-minute need for, well you and your companion’s skills at crowd control, so to speak.’

‘Thanks for letting us know.’

‘It does also occur to me that, my little convocation, might benefit from Wooley’s presence in the back row, as it were.’

‘Really?’

‘Extraordinary influence that rag has over the hearts and minds of the great British public.’

‘Perhaps I should leak your presence.’

‘That would be extraordinarily generous of you. Ready for a top-up?’

A week on and I was thinking it really might be judicious if we were present at the Park for day one of Frimley’s shindig. Not only had Wooley taken the bait, but Carrie had phoned the evening before to say Buffy was getting restless at the cottage and was threatening to seek an alternative sanctuary; ‘Somehow I don’t see the club working for him without your presence darling, you’re one of the few who can rein him in.’

Charlie proved hesitant. ‘So, remind me, where is the pecuniary advantage, in us doing this?’

‘Well, there isn’t one, apart from whatever fees are being collected from Coates’ mob.’

‘So?’

‘Well, it’s just about the general wellbeing of those we know and love.’

‘You mean your rather dubious acquaintances.’

‘Yes, okay, all of that. Just answer me this; wouldn’t you be feeling rather anxious and restless if you were stuck here, knowing that lot had the run of the Park to themselves?’

We planned no specific interventions you understand, beyond showing our faces everywhere and being convivial. We found the Don stoking the fire in the lounge. ‘I doubt you’ll find any interesting stories in here.’ I chided.

‘Tony! Yes, well. Frimley’s crew are still offering introductory congratulations and doing their version of an ice-breaker. I’d forgotten you don’t allow alcohol before twelve.’

‘Coffee Don?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Thank you, my darling.’ He watched her as she trailed off towards the bar. ‘Our readers like her. But it’s my proprietor who’s keen on what the constitutionalists have to say, how one spins that to our followers, god knows!’

‘What do the focus groups and reader’s panels tell you?’

‘Oh, traditionalists to the last man and woman, it’s just, how many people remember life before the EU? Where’s all this wood coming from these days?’

‘Purchased, at the normal rate from the local horticultural centre. The fact that they and the farms that supply them, are all owned by the family Trust, is a pure coincidence.’

‘Yes, of course.’

As Charlie returned and set down the tray, she said in her quiet unassuming way; ‘There would appear, gentlemen, to be a minor disturbance in the grounds...’ The Don was gone before she could elaborate. ‘At this distance, it would appear to be a band of warriors or insurgents, dodging around the golf course and approaching the far side of the lake, sir.’

On reaching the veranda window we were met by the sight of what might have been a platoon of commandos, running slightly stooped, towards the house. A darkly dressed group, around a central figure partially dressed and recognisable only too easily by the shock of hair. I was instantly transported back to school.

‘Who’s the blighter in the rugger shirt and pre-war footer bags? I’m sure I’ve seen him before.’ Said one of the older bar regulars.

‘Oh, Quentin darling, he’s the Prime Minister for goodness’ sake.’ Replied his much younger female companion.

‘Looks more like Roderick Spode, the amateur dictator.’

‘Oh, no, not another grand entrance.’ I mumbled under my breath to no one in particular.

‘You must wait for the “warm down”, it’s become quite a ritual of late.’ I turned to find Carrie at my shoulder, carrying what I assumed was Buffy’s change of clothes. ‘It all began with the protection officers trying to teach him the proper way to end a run, now it’s morphed into his version of a Maori Haka.’

‘Ah, Anthony, there you are, I was hoping for a word.’

‘You do surprise me Prime Minister.’

‘Gosh, still a little out of breath. Now then, now the crises can be presumed to be behind us, we’re anxious to move the agenda forward. The thing is, I’m often not the right person to raise issues. The media, the opposition and some of the great unwashed, seem to like it when I’m seen to be a bit out of touch, taken by surprise and forced to reluctantly concede things.’

‘Can’t say I’d noticed.’

‘Well, you never were much of a politico. Anyway, I was hoping Rory might come up with one of his ideas, make a speech maybe at one of the fringe party conference meetings next month.’

‘Since when has Rory, ever been known to have had an idea?’

‘Well, the last time you gave him one of course.’ Buffy then proceeded to outline his plan, and how I should persuade Rory, with or without the assistance of Prudence, to make a speech which would arouse support in the party and eventual cause the PM, to act. He then realised he was late for his appointment with Frimley’s followers.

‘See you later perhaps,’ I said.

‘No, we must be leaving for Scotland directly after my speech. We’ve been commanded to attend for a convivial long weekend at Balmoral Castle.’

62: The dinner party

‘Remind me, why are we doing this?’

‘Because we have been invited to be sociable, like any normal couple.’

‘Just don’t expect me to reciprocate.’

‘That’s already understood. Besides, we are merely invited to join the family for dinner, it’s not a do.’

‘Yes, but what’s Daphne’s idea of dinner when Barmy is at home?’

‘Getting the sprogs to sit-up at the table one imagines. No, but there is a massive irony to this, I admit. The two of them are living a classic, upwardly mobile, aspirational, middle class, suburban lifestyle - and schooling their children in it - and yet, they are rolling in cash and both had posher upbringings!’

‘This is going to be Mum and Dad all over again.’

‘Shades of it, yes, I would imagine.’

‘So, what do I say, about, coming over to us next time?’

‘Nothing. Look, Daphne is an ex-lover, Barmy a tech rival, this is all about them getting an entrée to the Villa so they can go over it with fine toothcomb!’

‘You mean I should relax because I’m in the driving seat.’

‘Besides, you’re going to knock them sideways with that outfit, where did it come from?’

‘Edoardo of course. Well, he did the alterations, finished it.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘He’s been acquiring a wardrobe for me. There’s this couple, part of his network, been touring warehouses during lockdown, he had them put me on their client list. “On social occasions you must be Tony’s equal, I make this happen.” He’s being very, obliging, is that the word?’

‘You know damn well it is. I’m more of a bloody consort now, I’ll try and be like the late Duke, rise above it. Oh! Use their concrete drive, pull up next to the monstrous people carrier.’

Moments later the front door opened and two teenage girls came running from the house. ‘Hi, Tony! Hello there, I’m Melisa, she’s Belinda. Mummy said it would be alright if we came out and groped your car.’

‘Be my guest.’

We left them to it and wandered in. ‘I’m in the lounge, Tony!’ Daphne was observing the drive from the window. ‘They’re too thin. I’m sure of it. What do you think Charlotte?’

‘Do they get out of breath with moderate exercise?’

‘Well no. But they’ve become gym rats now! That tires them, they’re out like a light at night.’

‘Well, that’s good.’

‘But they never eat!’

‘You mean you don’t see them eat.’

‘Well, I suppose so.’

‘They’d never keep up at the gym without a cheeseburger and fries on the side.’

‘Oh, right, I see, I think. Barmy’s in the shed, I’ll call him in. I’ve decided Tony, when the girls bugger off, to give him space upstairs. He’s very impressed with your set-up by the way.’

And a minute later; ‘Charlie! You look stunning. Welcome to Castle Gruber. You killed’em in the Games Room! “An outcome devoutly to be wished”, as your poet said. Oh! Enough said.’

‘Daddy, why don’t we have a proper car?’

‘We do, a work horse, perfect for what is required, in every respect. Besides, Tony’s car is the most dangerous on the road.’

‘Really! Because of its footprint?’

‘Because of its lack, of a footprint.’

‘How come?’

‘Use your device, both of you, I’ll give you one hour, find out all you can about it.’

‘Oh really, Barmy!’ Interceded Daphne.

‘They never explain you know, why she calls him Barmy? I know you know.’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ I replied.

‘But he never calls her barmy back!’

‘Oh, I see what you mean. Well, I suppose it must have been one day in about nineteen eighty-three, Cat Mackintosh and I were...’

‘Not at the dining table, thank you Tony. We’ll stick with current affairs.’

When they were allowed down from the table they headed outside again. Daphne advised; ‘You’d better keep a watching eye, Tony.’ So, I went back into the lounge. At first, they stared at their screens bemused, then one of them had the idea of taking pictures, they were quite systematic, front, back, side elevation and dashboard. It wouldn’t help them right now, but in days to come, picture search feedback, via whatever their personalisation was - was probably their best bet of getting anywhere!

‘Daddy, this is hopeless, it doesn’t exist.’

‘But it’s sitting outside.’

‘Are you a secret agent Tony?’

‘Certainty not!’

‘I didn’t think so, it’s just things have been a bit odd around here since Daddy started working for our side. And all our teachers are anti-Brexit!’

‘It’s a very good Academy darling.’

‘You always say that Mummy. What does “precocious” mean Tony?’

‘Trouble.’

‘Tony! Stop letting the side down.’ Exclaimed Daphne. ‘She’s laying it on, she’s normally more grown-up.’

‘I knew it, that’s what I am, it’s official, in the school report.’

Soon, Barmy announced; ‘Let’s leave these folks to it Tony, I need to update you on the latest in the office.’

After some minutes of technical talk, I asked; ‘Is your Melisa turning out like us?’

He nodded. ‘I’ve always known, it’s just in the last year or so she’s turned more like you. I mean don’t get me wrong, she could still collect a First in any science subject at a university, but she’d never do original work. Just absorbs everything, gets straight A in every subject and gets bored as hell. But the enthusiasm, is all for the social, psychological stuff.’

‘Daphne?’

‘She doesn’t see it. I always told myself if I ever had a child, I wouldn’t let the same kind of stuff happen to them as...’

‘Of course. Permission to have a go, stick my oar in?’

‘You’ll have to keep Daphne on side.’

‘Yes, that’s the only tricky bit.’

‘Well thank you for a lovely evening Daphne, I understand Barmy’s off to the other carrier now. Why don’t we arrange for the three of you to come over to the Villa for a Tea on the patio, our gardener thinks we’re in for a glorious summer.’

‘Well, I can’t guarantee they won’t gnaw at the furniture.’

‘Mother! Thank you, Tony. We would be delighted to attend, wouldn’t we Bel?’

‘Well, that was different!’

‘Wasn’t it just.’

‘Do I need a brief, on shed activities?’

‘More tech developments, but really I need to practice more with the kit I’ve got, rather than try and keep up with the latest.’

‘Daphne trailed me as an expert on health and fitness.’

‘Oh, jolly good. What did you make of the girls?’

‘Why are you asking me?’

‘Well, outsiders view, fresh perspective.’

‘They seem happy enough, Daphne’s the one who seems anxious on everyone’s behalf. Has she always turned to you, when she’s stressed-out?’

‘Pretty much.’

‘I know it works, but how? You never actually counsel her.’

‘It’s something about just being there, presence, regressing a bit to carefree youth. Paying attention, as in attending to. Creating an atmosphere of, everything’s alright with the world.’

‘Feeling safe.’

‘In a word.’

‘Two words. How did they actually meet? Did you introduce them?

‘No, no. Not my machinations at all. After school Barmy was spirited away to one of those ancient German institutes. No, they met quite independently about ten years after she and I had been an item. I don’t actually know how, never been told, but I suspect Daphne’s father had a hand in it.’

‘What was he?’

‘Something in government service.’

‘I know where she got that accent.’

‘That’s what I love about her, she uses it so well, she’s truly literate, has genuine wit, immaculate timing.’

‘Go on, out you get, whilst I garage the car, sir.’