83: Transports of delight

‘The countess has arrived, sir. She’s parking the farm truck. I suppose I should have moved my car.’ So said Charlie, lolling by the media room window.

‘Did we promise her lunch?’

‘We didn’t promise anything, but I could include her in our cheese salad.’

‘Fresh from the garden?’

‘First of the season. I’ll show her into the reception room.’

‘I’ll be right with you.’

As I came down the stairs, I came within range of the conversation. ‘Well, I must say! I suppose he thinks he can disorientate all comers, well enough of that!’

Upon entering the reception room, I found Julia sat in my usual seat, with a smug look on her face. ‘Good morning, Julia.’

‘Smashing view, you’ve got here Tony!’

‘Well thank you.’

Forced to observe the icy glaze of the departed Aunt, whilst listening to the present one, I was more than confirmed in my belief that hanging the picture where I had was a good idea. ‘...he still thinks you’re a bounder of the first water.’

‘What?’

‘Oh! Do pay attention. I said that your uncle is still smarting over you departing Checkley, early. Truth is he’s feeling his age, needs all the help he can get.’

‘Well, you must hire more help. Charlotte and I seem to have a life full of commitments these days.’

‘Really? I thought you did as you pleased.’

‘We do. There’s just a lot of it.’ At which point Charlie returned with coffee.

‘I take it you intend giving Lady Julia the full tour, sir?’

‘Oh, absolutely. You will stay for a scratch lunch Julia, we’re due at Jack’s garage early this pm.’

‘Er, thank you Tony.’

‘If you’ll excuse me madam, I’ll see what’s fresh in the veg garden.’

After Charlie had departed, Julia commented; ‘Charlotte’s very formal this morning, you been upsetting her?’

I ignored the jibe; ‘What you need is a friendly housekeeper, so you and uncle can spend more time outside.’

‘What we need is someone like Charlotte, who can just shimmer in, then shimmer out again.’

‘I noticed you’re using the truck today.’

‘Yes, your uncle has gone to town, more work for his lawyers. I know I shouldn’t say this, but I don’t want you making any silly arse, gorping remarks when he finally tells you. And, no disrespect to darling Charlotte, but strictly between ourselves, my beloved has done the decent thing and left all his worldly goods to me. So, in the fullness of time. And it might be a long time, given our closeness in age.’

‘Of course, understood.’

‘Still, I suppose if I lose my marbles, you could become in charge at the manor, de facto. I don’t want old age to be a pain. What would you do with the estate?’

‘Step on the accelerator, pump in a couple of million, turbocharge Uncle’s existing organic schemes.’

‘Much as you have with the magazine. We’re no longer losing money by the way. Lots of online attention and advertising revenue is well up. However, it’s not escaped my notice, how the website links to all the other of your Trust’s activities. We carry adverts for the Park, for your garden centre. You’ve even got County Estates taking a regular spread.’

‘Sound business practice, one doesn’t know where future growth will come from, but then if everything links, you don’t have to.’

‘Yes, I suppose so. Well now, you going to show me around then?’

‘Office!’ Commanded Jack on our arrival.

‘Office?’

‘Today’s main challenge is to get your new motor correctly written-up on the manufacturer’s computer. Take a seat. Fiona love, couple of mugs of goop for our guests. Right then, here goes, the thing is, because the vehicle has spent the best part of a year in their pound - hence me getting it at last year’s price - it has to go back into the factory for a thorough going over and we have to see if any of your personalisation isn’t best done there. So let me read back what you’ve actually ordered so far.’

And after what seemed an age, of back-and-forth questions, of computer box-ticking, he said; ‘Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Now, how’s this all going to play out? Assuming it arrives within about ten days.’

‘Right, well, we inspect it, pay-up and take it away to run-in, leaving the old one behind for servicing along with the various bits of computer kit I have acquired for it’s upgrading. All done on the assumption that most of the time it will be garaged at home, only making half a dozen trips a year for Charlie’s fishing expeditions and visits up-country to her parents. Meanwhile, whilst we’re trying out the new car, I have to work out how and where the extra computer is fitted, then we come in for the second exchange.’

‘You’ll need to brief my lads yourself Tony, most of it will be over my head.’

‘The additional computer probably goes under the rear bench; the main innovation, will be four, in-cab cameras...’

‘Oh, my god!’ Opined Charlie.

‘So, rather than monitor just individual behaviour, one can make a start on social interaction.’

‘Somebody told me your American friends had changed their name recently.’

‘It was a buy-out, the Trust took ten per cent of the stock in the new company, hence a regular income stream. But the UK licencing of facial recognition security applications stays the same. Nice little earner too, twelve police forces and three security agencies so far.’

‘I told you to stick with him love!’ He said, as an aside to Charlie.

‘Okay, okay.’ I said; ‘Can we now get to the real, main event? We’re itching to see the minibus.’

‘Now don’t be alarmed by it’s appearance, fact is, change of plan with the paint job.’ So said Jack as he led the way to the back of the workshop.

‘Ah! Yes. I see what you mean.’

‘I’ve got my two apprentices taking it all off, back to the metalwork. I took an executive decision when I saw the interior Birmingham were offering.’ Jack proceeded to show us inside. ‘The seats with that new upholstery, have been imported to go with the colour of these, now steam cleaned walls.’

‘Which suggests a sort of green and vanilla exterior?’

‘But not just any green, the green of the Park website, the green of The Countrywoman magazine.’

‘Brunswick Green, formally of the real GWR and early British Railways.’ So said Charlie.

‘Precisely Watson. Well done, Jack, your instincts are as sound as always.’

‘And just in case you were wondering.’ He then proceeded to show us the engine, which as far as I could tell looked brand spanking new.

Back in the office once more. ‘I don’t mean to pry, or anything, but it’s not like you to let your lads join a government scheme, having college lecturers forever snooping around.’

‘The only time my boys see the inside of that college is when they sit the exams. We pay our own way.’

‘But...’

‘We get away with it, Tony my old son, because my main man has more letters after his name, than any of those jokers at the college!’

‘Ah! Right. Well, when the bus is photograph-able, prepare a proper brochure with a real price. I’ll present it to the Park management committee, then, assuming it will be a substantial sum, get it signed off by Uncle, my Aunt Julia and myself as shareholders. But give me a realistic price as soon as possible so I can prepare the ground. Just one other thing, to make it work you need to provide and supply back-up fuel to go in it’s garage in the old stable block at the Park. So, any other business?’

‘Your architects think we should start re-configuring the filling station from the far end of the site, bit by bit, as and when, this electric thing takes off, or doesn’t.’

‘So, you build a new shop, stroke cafe, stroke pay point, stroke loos, to replace the coffee machine and yesterday’s sandwiches.’

‘Ever mindful that it’s not your general public who keep us in profit and whose habits we need to be responding to.’

‘How do you mean?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Perhaps you’ve not been at Jack’s filling station during unsocial hours?’

‘We make our money, Charlotte my dear, mostly at night, by refuelling public service vehicles, the emergency services and delivery lorries. Location, location, location.’

As we were settling back in the car, Charlie was catching-up on her mobile device. ‘A text from your trusted lieutenant, sir.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Wants to know if you have a date for the dinner dance?’

‘I don’t know yet, however, the inaugural nineteen forties dinner dance with swing band, should be marketed as our contribution to the Jubilee celebrations.’

‘Did you know Archie Layton was at university with the second in line to the throne?’

‘Of course, never shuts up about it. Always recalling how he first collided with them at old time Scottish dancing lessons... Charlie, you’ve done it again.’

‘What?’

‘Out of the mouths of babes and what’s it’s!’

82: Offers to treat

‘You haven’t asked what the agenda is today?’ I spoke.

‘I don’t need to.’ She replied.

‘Oh, yes?’

‘We, are taking a hike, to town.’

‘Oh lord, walk two miles around the hills to go half a mile as the crow flies.’

‘Wrong, I have a short cut, to get you to a haircut with Margot.’

‘Do we have to?’

‘Yes. I’ve lost control of your hair, it’s become lop-sided. Besides, we have other commissions too.’

‘Well, just don’t do this tomorrow, we have a long day’s negotiations at our HQ at the old bank.’

Sparkwell led me out via the tradesman’s entrance. We proceeded passed our new garage. ‘If all goes well tomorrow, Jack will get a down payment within hours and we will have secured the new car, hopefully the same colour, but I suppose the bumpers will look slightly different, like on the one we took to France.’

‘When I was sweeping out the inside, I had the thought it might make parking easier if we painted the interior white.’

‘But driver-assisted works perfectly well in the dark!’

‘But I like it switched-off, I told you it kept cutting-in when I was crashing around country lanes.’

‘I’ll concede it is inherently de-skilling. But I should warn you, once Jack has modified the new car, he will be doing computer upgrades on the old one.’

‘Right, we take a right here.’

Having descended on the town remarkably quickly, I got a five-minute rest whilst Margot performed her corrective procedures. Throughout she remained in instructor mode, they both seemed to find endless fascination in the crown of my head! Afterwards, Charlie apologised for not hanging around saying we were on a tight schedule and nudged me to pay and go. ‘What’s the urgency?’ I asked.

‘Edoardo will be leaving the workshop at twelve-thirty sharp.’

‘Yes, probably none of my business, but er... Why are we?’

‘I have the final items of my wardrobe to pick up, the formal wear.’

‘And you’re not talking about more uniforms, are you?’

‘No, formal wear. Well, it’s bound to happen. After all, you have various paraphernalia; even a complete morning suit, not to mention proper black bow ties, a couple of stiff collars, even a white mess jacket!’

‘You don’t have any particular event in mind?’

‘No.’

‘You, young lady, are getting ideas above your station!’

‘We’re all old friends and we trust each other.’ So said a beaming Bernard as Charlie was pouring out coffee. None of us seemed to have an answer to that, so his comment was left hanging in the air.

The silence was broken by Brinkley; ‘Our coffees always taste so much better when made by a proper barista.’

‘Why, thank you, Brinkley, though one shouldn’t underestimate the benefit of the china service, insisted upon by the late Mrs Hayward.’ She replied.

‘Oh, do sit down Ms Sparkwell, we’re all equals now. My point is, Tony, Lawrence and I are full voting board members of the Trust, Charlotte, you attend all meetings and get to vote on charity matters. You are also contracted by the Trust as are Lawrence and myself. The Trust owns this building, a large chunk of Crawford Park and much else besides.’

‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave.’ Offered Brinkley.

‘Please don’t interrupt Lawrence! All I’m saying is, can we for the purposes of this meeting all agree to hearing about the Mrs Tufnell and Captain Forsyth wills, Tony’s request for extraordinary funds, and, consequently, how one should approach this afternoon’s meeting of the trustees?’

‘Yes.’ I replied.

‘So, firstly, Tony, you have given me a copy of Mrs Tufnell’s bequests, now I don’t see how the matter pertains to anyone but yourself, unless and until you take possession of anything and subsequently care to gift it to the Trust. The situation with Captain Forsyth is potentially more complicated. You, Charlotte, will have executor’s rights until all disbursements are made. But anything turned into cash, will up the residue that is intended for our local homeless charity. However, possessions not specifically mentioned, could simply be gifted by you, to anyone. I suggested to the captain, that he specify how the yacht should be disposed of. He said he had hopes, given - in his words - it’s “historical uniqueness”, that it might go to the Maritime Historical Society. I have spoken to Thayer; he has links to the upmarket boat dwellers and the word has come back that the vessel might be expected to reach in excess of five million. Obviously, a real incentive for the homeless charity. My advice, get the captain’s intentions in writing, otherwise you will be left to decide, and you may feel a conflict of interest since you sit on the homeless committee. Questions?’

‘Yes, the reason I mentioned Mrs Tufnell, is that it will probably fall to me to take charge of her late husband’s papers, he had some sort of business relationship with my father, not as yet fully determined. I suppose there is the outside possibility of other occurrences, not unlike the Crimean gold.’

‘Good lord!’ Said Bernard.

‘Just a hunch you understand.’

‘You’re more than welcome to cross reference with anything in the Trust archive anytime.’ Added Brinkley.

‘I’ll talk to Captain Bob again,’ said Charlie, ‘but if he doesn’t act, then my priority would be to find the right home for the yacht, and if it involved a sale, then the cash goes to the shelter, end of story.’

‘Thank goodness Tony has no involvement, he’d instantly see a myriad of money-making opportunities in the situation! Which brings us neatly to your request for funds.’

Ignoring Bernard’s sarcasm, I pitched in; ‘Yes, we wish to avail ourselves of the opportunity to invest in our last new petrol car. The latest version of what we’ve got now. However, since it will be an appreciating asset, like the current one, we propose running the two cars, one each.’

‘Ah. Mmm.’ Said Bernard.

Then, after a pause, Brinkley smiled and said; ‘I did a while ago suggest to Charlotte that the existing car might be reassigned to her, in her role as Carer.’ Oh, Larry, I thought to myself, what a sweetie you are. ‘And of course, Tony could continue with the new car under existing arrangements.’

Bernard looked at Brinkley like a parent upon an innocent child. ‘You and Charlotte should form a pair at Bridge sometime, whilst Tony and I make for the poker room.’

Then, as I was thinking, no need to invoke special clauses or indeed make concessions at all, Brinkley replied; ‘It’s against your religion Bernard, as I’ve often had to remind you.’

‘Ah! Yes, now, how is the Church of England, gentlemen?’ I enquired.

‘Much as always, Lawrence still does the cathedral books from time to time.’

‘And what about you?’

‘Oh, very occasionally I may arbitrate over minor matters as Chancellor for the diocese.’

‘Oh my god!’ Said Charlie; ‘You’re the Grand Inquisitor! Defrocked any priests lately? Burnt any witches?’

‘The camera for each seat is voice activated Charlie, if you’re remote it’s just the usual boxes on the screen, but if you’re in the room, then from certain angles it gives the illusion of having a swivel head, that’s why it’s called an Owl.’

‘Ladies and gentlemen, if I may call this meeting to order, item one...’ To give Bernard his due, as chair he has a masterful command of the room, dovetailing perfectly with Brinkley as the humble secretary who only on very rare occasions needs to pass him a note, or indeed speak at all. Our other trustees were appearing remotely, one from Geneva where he was giving some sort of expert advice to one of the sprawling committees of the IPCC. The other, from his brutalist breeze block study in a university department whose reputation thankfully rose well above the architecture. Bernard chose his words with care; classic, vintage, historical, along with appreciating asset, low usage, minimum emissions etc.

‘So, that was your scheme, ha! The old boy network would give you the grand cathedral wedding you think you deserve.’

‘Only idle speculation really, just the way my mind works I’m afraid.’

‘Nice try sunbeam, nice try.’

81: The fall and rise

Good Friday found us at Checkley Manor as usual. ‘Does anyone remember the old-style fun fairs?’ I said to the kitchen table at large. ‘How they always had a shooting gallery, you could shoot down figures one at a time in a long line...’

‘And!’ Said Uncle.

‘Buffy’s happy few, his band of brothers are falling at an ever-increasing rate. And yet, new figures keep appearing as if by magic.’

‘Are you going to do anything about Tuffy’s attempt to blackball him from the club?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Ah, thank you for reminding me.’

Later, when alone in the grounds I put in a call to Cat. ‘Er, actually old man, Tuffy’s complaint is in the pending tray for the time being; fact is, Buffy’s membership is currently lapsed.’

‘Explain.’

‘Well, you know how membership renewal depends on the receipt of fees and the clearing of your account, well Buffy has stood a lot of bar bills in the last year, he’s been sent a reminder and all that, but he has slipped over the renewal date.’

‘I see. I think I might just drop a hint to Carrie.’

‘Might be as well, apparently, they’ll be at the cottage this weekend, bit embarrassing if she has to sign him in! Also, you might care to explain to Tuffy that under our rulebook you can only expel someone for behaviour whilst at the club, and that doesn’t include when the premises are being used for other purposes.’

‘Cat?’

‘Tony, old son.’

‘You couldn’t do me a quick favour, check bookings for the ballroom and if it’s free on Easter Monday, book it out to me for the whole day.’

‘Carrie!’

‘Ah, Tony. The voice of sanity.’

‘Bless you. Er, sorry to do this, bit embarrassing really...’

‘I doubt it, not when viewed from Downing Street.’

‘Yes, quite, the fact is, Buffy’s membership of the club has lapsed, failure to pay fees and settle his account.’

‘Shit! I told him, when I renewed. Hang on.’

For once she forgot to press mute; ‘I’m not bloody made of money! Tell him the cheque is in the post.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes!’

‘Will it bounce?’

Then, after a long pause; ‘Tony?’

‘Carrie.’

‘He says there is a cheque in the post.’

‘Tell him, if he plans on visiting, make it Monday, but you may have to sign him in if the money hasn’t arrived.’

‘Very well, and Tony, I haven’t forgotten you were the one who persuaded me to return to the blighter.’

‘Running out on us again!’ So said Uncle when I announced our intention of leaving a few hours early.

‘Well only by half a day.’

‘All the same, what progress in the vines?’

‘I’ve brought you up to date with the pruning and tying.’

‘And what moves in the woods Charlotte?’

‘Your new eastern European hiring is a lot further on with the charcoal burners, than he is with his comprehension of English!’

On arrival at the Park, I took a direct line to the office, there to commune with the club secretary. ‘The ballroom is all yours, the PM’s debts got paid by money transfer late Friday, from some unrecognisable company account at a bank on Grand Cayman, and the man himself is working the room, the lounge that is, at this very moment.’

‘Excellent!’ I replied, exiting immediately towards the veranda bar, that being the best vantage point from which to observe Buffy’s progress. Much to my surprise, I found Bernard and Brinkley propping up the bar, in the company of Henry Walpole no less. ‘I say, what ho, Walpole! You know it’s a complete waste of time touting for briefs from Bernard, he likes to do his own advocacy.’

‘You forget Anthony, I’ve been put out to grass, by my wife.’

‘Yes of course, must be a bit of a wrench at times. And the two of you, a rare sighting indeed.’

‘Well, we are semi-retired Tony, Lawrence and I are entitled to our occasional indulgences. And as Walpole was saying, it’s always worth taking a look at the locus in quo.’

‘Something my old pupil master used to say.’

‘You should be swapping old anecdotes about Sparkwell QC, Charlotte’s daddy. Bernard’s suffered at his hands too!’

‘What brings you here Tony?’ Asserted Bernard.

‘Oh, just on our way back from my uncle’s place.’

‘Here to keep an eye on our esteemed Prime Minister?’ Suggested Brinkley.

‘Yes, alright then. Talking of which, would you excuse me a moment?’

‘How are you Prime Minister?’

‘Ah! Anthony. Under savage pressure as it happens.’

‘Ah, yes. Playing the international statesman, the war leader in waiting. Must take it out of you, but goes down well with the voters no doubt.’

‘I trust you’re not here to gloat?’

‘By no means. Indeed, I’m here to offer you what I just know you will find an amusing diversion from the cost-of-living crisis.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘A short commemorative video of your previous visits.’

‘What!’ A micro expression of alarm crossed his face.

‘If you and Carrie would care to step this way, I’ve arranged a little private viewing in the ballroom.’

I whispered to Charlie, to ask her former handler come mentor from the security detail to lock us in, from the outside, and after a moment or two’s chat, he did!

‘What’s going on? Where’s my protection gone?’

‘I thought the four of us might appreciate a little privacy.’

The large screen worked remarkably well, despite the variable quality of the images in Carry-On Prime Minister. It also benefited from a little program I’d acquired for the removal of layers of ambient noise from audio recordings. Our little half hour movie featured sequences all the way from Buffy’s first landing on what was now the eighteenth green, to his post-run Haka!

When it finally came to an end there was a long silence before Buffy spoke; ‘Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to deliver a threat. Notice how he saves your blushes Charlie; you’re just simply portrayed as the innocent waitress. The editing is outrageous, talk about hashtag - context collapse!’ He then buried his face in his hands for about a count of ten, before asserting; ‘So, who apart from us has seen this?’

‘Only my co-producer Barmy, and my co-owner the Earl.’

‘You sure about that?’

‘Oh, yes. And of course, it can stay that way.’

‘I can burn you, as much as you can burn me.’

‘Well, no not really.’

‘What?’

‘All I have to do is send a copy of this to the media. You on the other hand have had two and a half years to fatten your dossier on me, and got nowhere.’

‘You can’t possibly know that.’

‘True, but what I can know with one hundred percent certainty, is that I never do anything, only the Trust does things, and it was entirely reconstituted before the summit. You, are up against a legal brick wall.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Full implementation of the Flotterton Manifesto.’

‘What?’

‘Everything outlined in Rory’s speech.’

‘I know what you bloody meant! That speech you wrote for him was pure fantasy.’

‘I didn’t write a word. I admit I was present when Rory, relaxing in the lounge after a massage from Charlie, came up with his ideas whilst staring deep into the log fire. Besides it doesn’t have to be practical. It merely has to inspire, create the right direction of travel. Oh, and one other small thing. A safe seat for Frimley Coates. After all, in fifteen years or so, he’d be your natural successor.’

‘Aren’t you forgetting something Tony?’ Chipped in Carrie; ‘All the other people who have him by the short and curly what’s it’s!’

‘Am I Buffy?’

There was another pregnant pause, filled only by Charlie asking innocently; ‘How did all this arch enemy stuff start anyway?’

‘It all goes back to the Scripture Knowledge Prize. I noticed just the other day that you’d claimed to have won it, again.’

‘But I did!’

‘Over the heads of better men, by the most brazen swindling methods, “breath-taking impertinence” - weren’t those the headmaster’s words?’

‘Something of the sort, can’t say I remember precisely.’

‘No, they say psychopaths don’t remember pain. But what I do remember was that the Head went on to give a speech bemoaning the passing of corporal punishment, and his inability to tenderise your arse.’

Then Buffy began to laugh. A moment later he said, smiling; ‘Anthony, you are a one-man walking nudge unit.’

‘Well thank you, you’re too kind, Prime Minister.’

‘I don’t buy it.’ So said Charlie as we were crossing the carpark.

‘Just as well, cos’ it ain’t for sale!’

‘What went down back there? You had him on the rocks, yet he walked away with a spring in his step.’

‘I showed him a way out, not just from me, but from everyone else gunning for him. It’s the game Charlie, the motivation is in the thrill of getting away with it.’

80: End of an era

‘So, what fun and frolics have we today, sir?’ So said Sparkwell as we emerged from our ablutions and she turned her attention to my raiment.

‘Is that my sole purpose in life now, to keep you amused? Well, after breakfast and the post naturally, you get to inspect progress with the building work at the spa, and if I can persuade the architect to dally awhile, you may hear of my plans for the old stable block and walled garden.’

‘But I thought that was all off, due to a lack of water?’

‘Your ever innovative employer, let me tell you, has come up with alternative arrangements.’

‘Another solicitor’s letter, sir.’

‘Good lord, from Periwinkle and Blythe no less, Bernard’s leading competitor. The only thing I know about them was that the late, great, Mr. Tufnell senior used them.’ The room fell silent. ‘Well, I’ll be damned; “We have been asked to forward attached copy of Mrs. Mary Tufnell’s new last will and…etcetera.” Gosh, this could be trouble.’

‘Coffee in the kitchen, in five?’

‘Thanks Charlie.’

‘You’re going to share it with me, is that wise?’

‘Oh, I think so, given Tuffy’s tendency to turn to either or both of us, when he’s stressed or confused. Yes, a briefing is definitely in order.’ I took a gulp of black coffee, wondering where to start. ‘Well, the simple bit is she’s left the house and any cash to her son, as one might expect. The tricky bit is that her household furniture, goods and personal possessions she leaves jointly to Tuffy and myself, to be divided as we see fit.’

‘And that’s likely to cause trouble?’

‘Well, yes and no. Firstly I doubt Tuffy knows what I would value, not necessarily all of great monetary worth, but some of it certainly is.’

‘Like the seascapes. I imagine, the Lady Vic will have something to say about that!’

‘Quite, but they’re just the tip of the iceberg, Tuffy is remarkably ignorant about everything in that house, Victoria probably knows more by now.’

‘Seems to me you should ally your self with her, work through her, to get what you want. Tuffy as a go-between would just confuse the issue.’

‘I mean, a lot of this is Mrs Tufnell being nervous about what happens to her late husband’s valuables, I’m the only person she can trust to make sure they end-up going to people who would value them. Bit like you and Captain Bob.’

‘Well, work on Victoria, that’s my advice. By the way, apparently when Bob was talking to Bernard, he said, Bernard that is, if I had any doubts about my role in proceedings I should come in and talk to him.’

‘Have you seen the final signed document yet?’

‘No. Bob just said he insisted to Bernard, that I should have the final say. Bob’s halfway to the Falklands now, god knows when I’ll hear.’

‘Worry not, the islands are fully wired-up these days. Every retailer even has a free portable chip and pin machine, they can now refuse cash payments in any currency - much to the relief of the Port Stanley bank apparently.’

It was one of those days when Charlotte assumes the subservient role, indicated by her following one step behind, rather than being alongside or one step in front. Having plied the architect with coffee at the bar, we then proceeded to the garden and listened to his explanation of foundations, damp courses and sympathetic stone work. Whilst he spoke, we stared at new walls rising and looked into an abyss we were assured would be the aquatherapy pool. Once he had come to an explanatory halt, I chipped in with; ‘We may have a further project proposal for you, if you could spare another twenty minutes or so.’

A five-minute hike took us to the old stable block. ‘Given the estates limited water resources I’ve abandoned previous plans for more residential development. However, you’ll have noticed that the bungalows lack garages and a number of their back gardens, porches and conservatories are cluttered with various mobility aids, both manual and motorised. What I propose is that the tarmac is continued as far as here and the entrance to the walled garden, therefore passing the back gardens; they, all get free wooden fencing with back gates and we, restore and convert the stables into a series of car ports.’ Our architect friend extracted a pen knife from his back pocket and began sampling the state of the mortar between the brickwork. I continued with; ‘Obviously the woodwork of the roof would need to be preserved or replaced but the rotting wood of individual doors and internal partitions could be constituted firewood. One area needs reconstituting as a garage for a minibus, with a discrete, independent petrol or diesel supply. The ironwork entrance of the walled garden needs replacing with a key code lock attached, but could be replicated in design with a matching pair for the stables. The walled garden can be offered as a private flower garden and allotments, for the bungalow residents only...’

Then Charlie cut in; ‘There’s a familiar profile approaching from the direction of the house, sir.’

I turned, the figure’s gait was unmistakable; ‘Familiar indeed, the lesser spotted.’

‘Tony!’

‘Tuffy.’

‘Explain! Because I’m damned if I can see it. I think mother has gone a bit fay. It is rather grating for a chap you know.’

‘Well, it is everyone’s prerogative, to leave as they please, the thing is, you do understand your mother and father were, well, the closest I got to a mother and father for many years...’

‘I know old man, but all the same.’

‘And I was interested in all the things your father did, which you weren’t - if you see what I mean. Now, be honest Tuffy.’

‘Well...’

‘Take your father’s study for example, have you ever worked through it? Would you understand it if you did? Would you recognise items of value? And needless to say, my offer on the seascapes still stands.’ Tuffy stared into space as if he’d suddenly realised, he had no idea where he was. ‘Anyway, you didn’t hike out all this way just to look for a row, did you?’

‘No. There’s something more urgent. I’ve submitted a formal complaint to the membership committee.’

‘What on earth about?’

‘To get Trumpton chucked out of course. It’s official now, he’s a liar and a cad.’

‘Well? What’s that got to do with me?’

‘We need your backing of course.’

‘Who is this, “we”?’

‘All of the right-thinking element, who do you think? You have the evidence to sink him.’

‘Do I?’

‘On camera!’

‘Tuffy, I hate to tell you, but that’s evidence to sink practically all of us!’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well on lockdown rules alone, you were pissed and hardly socially distanced at the reunion in May, if I recall.’

‘But we’d been tested, and jabbed, and exempted by the government.’

‘But that’s rather what Buffy is claiming, isn’t it? Our behaviour may be morally reprehensible but...’

‘I was going to ask you to go before the committee, but as usual I can’t tell who’s side, you’re really on!’

‘Tuffy?’ Charlotte interrupted; ‘Will you walk me back to the house? It’s such a long time since we’ve had a chat.’

Say what you like about her, but she can time an intervention to the split second. As they started to wander off, she took his arm, as any close confidant might. ‘Isn’t she a cracker?’ I said, to no one in particular, then turning back to the friendly architect; ‘Sorry about the interruption, now where were we? Ah, yes, the road side trench that carries the electric will naturally need to be extended from the last bungalow to here and the walled garden, but I’d like it opened up again as far as the house, so the fibre optics can come as far as the minibus garage...’