116: Girl porter

‘I feel left out.’ So mused Sparkwell.

‘But you’re always at the heart of the action.’

‘I may be present, but mostly I’m observing your actions!’

‘But your life is busier and more demanding than mine.’

‘Precisely, sir. Such is the lot of the deputy-assistant-undermanager throughout history.’

‘It’s an age thing. I’m the brains and you’re the brawn.’

‘Be afraid, be very afraid.’ And after a short pause; ‘What I meant was this railway caper of yours, not life in general.’

‘Ah! Well, an idea did occur to me some time ago, but I’m not sure you’d approve, you’d be the ideal person to, but...’

‘What?’

‘That you should be the “face” of the English Riviera Railway.’

‘As in model?’

‘As in poster girl.’

‘But railways are kind of, boys’ toys.’ So said Charlie, tinkering with her coffee machine.

‘Yes, and that’s one of the things we just can’t get away with any more. Especially a project such as this, dependant as we are on lots of volunteers and community support.’

‘Oh no! Not another woman in a masculine role.’

‘Girl porter, the cheeky chappie, tripling her wages in tips. Traditionally, porters at mainline London termini made a very good living!’

‘This would just be for a photoshoot?’

‘Well, maybe a screen printed, nineteen thirties style railway poster too. Oh, and the occasional opening.’

‘Opening?’

‘Cutting of ribbons etcetera. The problem would be finding an authentic looking uniform...’

‘But my picture could end-up, anywhere?’

‘Well yes, once we become popular. Permission to invite Edoardo for a lunch at the club?’

‘Exploratory talks only, at which I’ll be present. And of course, there would be both one-off fees and repeats coming with wider exploitation.’

‘Undoubtedly.’

‘Dear lady, a pleasure to meet you again. You’ve been neglecting me; it must be all of twelve months.’

‘I’ve not had the chance to wear-out any of your clothes yet.’ Charlie replied.

‘Tony! Is this true? More evenings out, I think. More trips to fashionable locations.’

‘Eddie.’ He was clearly in Edoardo mode, playing up the Italian side of his descent, in what for him was definitely a posh location. ‘Been enjoying more trips to Gstaad?’

‘No, we don’t go back. You just need to see it once I think. Very generous client, but showing off. You, you buy me lunch because you want something, value for money guy, more equitable.'

Cockney Eddie was sensing fun, as well as the money. ‘Order whatever you feel you’re worth, my dear fellow.’

‘So, Tony. You’re still going for the short hair, rather than the distinguished grey, like myself.’

‘Charlie is fully in charge of matters of style and taste these days, if you want to get to me, you have to get to her.’

‘But we all have our little affectations, you go for the flowery buttonhole, I the coloured handkerchief in the top pocket.’

‘Tony has a scheme, Eddie! A project. In which apparently, I’m just the pretty face.’

‘Anthony, how could you!’

The next forty minutes or so, despite intermittent chatter, seemed to consist in me watching Eddie eat, whilst I picked at my food, under the watchful eye.

‘So, this project involves clothes for Charlotte presumably, otherwise why would I be here?’

‘You’ve heard of this idea of extending the heritage railway?’

‘Sure. So, you’ve got a finger in that now.’

‘In a very modest way, I’m no expert on railways, but it seems a good bet for a small investment by the Trust.’

‘Don’t fall for the false modesty, he’s in it up to his eyeballs!’

‘I am merely a facilitator.’

‘Okay, I believe you.’ He replied.

‘I had an idea that Charlotte should be the face of the publicity campaign. Now obviously everything is modelled on the old Great Western Railway, better known as just the GWR, but also known as God’s Wonderful Railway. I thought she could be a sort of mascot, the cheery porter, there to serve, but she’d need an authentic looking uniform, and maybe with your contacts, such as Sally, you could make that happen.’

‘But why?’

‘Well at worst for the money! By the way, I note that both Charlotte and I are currently significantly in credit with you. But really, I imagined you might find it an interesting project, something to grab your interest, something other than using up your semi-retirement hours doing routine repairs?’

‘You know, once I was thought of as one of the best, the finest stitching applied to the finest cloth. You could have offered me the General Manager, or at least the Chief Mechanical Engineer, the designer of fine locomotives, but no you come to me for the lowest of the low, the cheapest of workman’s clothes. Not even worthy of a silver railway pocket watch.’

‘I never had you down as a snob Edoardo!’

‘I’m not talking that kind of class, I’m talking skill, quality, expertise.’

‘But I am talking about skill, it’s a performance, an illusion, like your valet uniforms. In the act of creating a uniform to fit Charlie, you transform. A tuck here, a tuck there. Suddenly the figure hugging trouser and the not quite big enough waistcoat...’

‘Okay, enough of the mansplaining.’ Chipped in Charlie.

‘Well? You hesitate Eddie, not like you at all. There’s something else isn’t there.’

‘You know my doctor would be most disapproving of my diet today.’

‘Well yes, I can imagine.’

‘All my life I have strived for the good things. When you get them, the medical profession tells you it’s too late to enjoy them. Just watching you two makes me feel guilty.’

‘Yes, well, I must confess, were it not for the presence of Charlie I’d probably be joining in with you. I’m sure she’d be willing to take you on as a private client; relaxation, therapeutic massage, meditation, a little gentle yoga - you’d come away a man transformed...’ Eddie looked like he was about to choke on his jam roll and spray the finest cream custard over all of us.

After much coughing; ‘My life would be intolerable. Oh! No disrespect to you my dear. I’m sure you provide a valuable service to those willing to live in the modern world. You are Anthony’s, what’s the name I’m looking for, a new thing people are calling themselves, a “Performance Consultant”, that’s the one.’

‘Oh, yes. She’s definitely that, in all domains!’

Then Charlie suggested; ‘Let’s take our coffees in front of the open fire Eddie. Oh! I almost forgot Tony, the club sec said he wanted a word earlier.’

‘Then I’ll join you later.’ If Charlie had an intervention up her sleeve, I was more than happy to let her take point.

When I returned to the lounge they were gone. Charlie caught up with me as I was loitering around the entrance, trying to work out what action to take over the latest games room notice; ‘No Recreational Play Permitted’, a good joke, Cat’s work no doubt, but it really couldn’t be allowed to stand. Ah, well.

‘He’s in!’ She said without pausing, making strides for the car.

‘What did I miss?’

‘He just wants a cut of the action with the railway that’s all. I got him to talk about his childhood. He’s south London, right sentiment old boy, just the wrong railway, he’s the Southern, rival routes to the west country. Our Eddie, as a young lad, spent the swinging sixties spotting on Waterloo Station!’

115: The gift of Christmas

‘Pray silence for the Monarch of the Glen!’ Said the club secretary, tired and emotional as usual on Christmas Eve.

‘I say, steady-on old man.’ Replied Cat Mackintosh, as he rose to his feet. ‘I have to tell you I don’t have a title as such, merely an office. It’s been handed down for many generations now, but that’s just a convention, it doesn’t have to be that way. For anyone who’s curious may I refer you to Lord Lyon King of Arms. But my real purpose in speaking today is to introduce our guest speaker, a man who has become familiar to you all over the last year or so. Distinguished at the Bar, by his, well, lack of distinguished-ness! A man who throughout his career defended the unfashionable defenceless, and therefore has remained forever a junior barrister. I give you Henry Walpole!’

As the applause died down, Harry began; ‘Members of the jury, you have heard all the evidence set before you by the prosecution in this case, it now falls upon me... Oh I’m sorry, force of habit. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... No, that’s how my father began all his speeches. Ladies and gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking... Well, I really can’t get away with that one! I know, how about. It gives me the greatest honour, to propose a vote of thanks to you all for letting me through the door. I must confess that throughout my humble career, I’ve been somewhat dismissive of institutions such as this. Dismissing them as full of status hungry social wannabes, who were really only there to cultivate connections either for the sake of getting more work or a better, richer, sort of client. Thankfully, you are a kind of corrective to all that, a counterculture perhaps, an antidote that provides a place to regain one’s sanity in a world gone mad.’

A low rumble of ‘hear, hear’ could be heard from the would be jury.  I was sat with Helene, whilst Charlie was paired with Walpole. ‘He’s quite a character in action, don’t you think?’ Spoke Helene.

‘So, I always imagined.’

‘Silence in court!’

‘Really, Walpole!’

‘My wife Helene, your Lordships, a stalwart supporter and companion down the years, but who really needs no support in this court of appeal. But to return to argument, these convivial surroundings offer a haven of peace as far in time and space as it seems possible to get these days from a country with twice as many people, and twice as many cars, plus four times as many pets as in my youth. And not a windmill in sight!’ Now the jury was starting to bang the table. ‘I must say the solar panels on the roof are very discreet. I know this because on days when I’m confined to home, I’ve discovered the club portal. The addition of drone photography, which complements the existing walk through the park and the three D, digital interior, offer, well, I hesitate to say it, but almost a meditative experience. I confess I’m often tempted to reach for a glass of the old cooking claret. And for one who started out in life in a vast, un-heat-able Church of England vicarage, where on winter mornings it was not uncommon to find ice forming on the inside of windows, both the virtual and real club are remarkably cosy. Life, throws together the most unlikely of characters and coincidences. I first appeared before you, as a guest of Don Wooley, who had been kind enough over the years to promote my notoriety by publishing somewhat lurid accounts of my more notable criminal cases. In many of these, I found myself up against a most disagreeable prosecutor who would insist, during regular breaks in proceedings, on telling me about the alleged activities of what he called his wayward daughter, described in much the same language he used towards the prisoner at the bar. I regret to have to tell you, that daughter was none other than your own Charlie Sparkwell.’ This brought forth gasps from the jury, and cries of ‘shame’. ‘I could go on and mention many of you, but I understand Christmas speeches are intended to be short. I shall end therefore, by simply confirming the rumour that I was that barrister, with the bad taste to attack the police evidence offered by one WPC Sonia Wainwright on her first appearance down the Bailey, now known to you all as Chief Constable Wainwright.’ More gasps from the jury. ‘Your lordships, ladies and gentlemen, please stand and raise a glass to yourselves, I give you, the club!’

I’d noticed Ada slip away from the table immediately the toasts came to a close. I found her sat by the fire. ‘I hope you realise you are sitting in a seat once occupied by a former Chancellor of Germany. I shall now sit here, where once a US president sat.’

‘How do you know? We were all banned from the club back then. And I was barely allowed outside my own front door!’

‘They needed our security cameras, they couldn’t shut me down, without shutting themselves down, happy days.’

‘I was rather counting on you being here today.’

‘You have something to report?’

‘What’s it worth to you?’

‘Ah!’ And after a pause; ‘When’s your membership renewal due, and the settling of your account, obviously?’

‘Couple of months.’

‘When it arrives, let me know, I’ll come over, pick up the chitty, and miraculously return within the hour with your new card.’

‘Umm. Not sure what I know is worth quite that much, yet. Is that how you got Walpole on side?’

‘Well, more Mrs Walpole to be precise.’

‘Oh! I was talking to her earlier, fearsome woman. Anyway, if you’re willing to do that I'll just keep going and we can argue about appropriate recompense at the end of it.’

‘You’re sounding like you know, you hold all the cards?’ I smiled.

‘My problem maybe persuading you though. Things only make sense with the right, historical mind-set. I didn’t get it, until on my second visit I inadvertently got inside the hotel on the other side of the Square.’

‘Go on.’

‘The existing railway owns and runs the passenger ferry and is responsible for the jetty. The local authority controls the riverside, there are two kiosks that need eliminating and the jetty has to go back to being adjacent to the booking office window in the outer end wall.’

‘I’m listening.’

‘Once upon a time, the whole layout of the hotel ground floor was orientated towards that booking office window. The lounge, bar, reception. The booking office had a telephone link direct to the signal box on the other side of the river, but most of the calls came from hotel reception. If you were sat in the right place in the lounge, you could see the comings and goings at the booking office window, the way across the square and around the inner harbour thingy for the hotel porter with a cadet’s trunk or first-class passenger’s luggage was obvious to see.’

‘Hotel was hub of the town; college, hotel, ferry, train. But surely the officer cadets had a halt of their own and a little ferry directly opposite the college?’

‘Only when travelling with other cadets with a barracks bag, holdall thing. Hotel was where parents stayed, where ward room etiquette was learned. The hotel is still the centre for the council, local business people, the people you need. Cars and buses take them around the houses, spoil the view, to destinations only occasionally desired.’

‘You’re telling me, getting the town on side is more important than the cost of the building?’

‘Put the building back to what it once was, you put the town back.’

‘I’m paying you for information, not for getting the building at their price to you!’

‘Maybe in the end it’ll all be one and the same thing.’

114: All in the family

Charlie and Melisa were picking the last of the fruit. Remarkable really, given we were getting so close to Christmas. Meanwhile, Kenneth and I sat on the patio, resting-up before the rigours of tea. ‘May I be permitted an impertinent question?’ He offered as an opening gambit.

‘You can try.’

‘How did your parents die?’

After a pause for thought, I decided to reply; ‘They died together in a motoring accident. Details remain somewhat vague, it happened abroad.’

‘When and where was this?’

‘Easter, nineteen eighty. Somewhere on the Swiss, French border.’

‘Do you know anything of the circumstances?’

‘The only detail in the documents is that no other vehicle was involved.’

‘Ever struck you how, convenient that might be?’

‘I trust this is leading somewhere?’

‘Yes. I apologise, I already knew, your aunt confided as much.’

‘But?’

‘But on the one hand whilst such sparse information let’s loved ones make their own narrative, as it were, on the other hand it is well, bureaucratically convenient for the authorities. Nothing is likely to be challenged, no urgent questions asked.’

‘And?’

‘Your aunt was satisfied with all that, it struck me you were someone who would want more.’

‘I am, but I’ve gleaned no more, from having all the family papers now, I mean.’

‘Thank you for indulging me. Changing the subject entirely, I don’t imagine I’m long for this world, I’ve already lived longer than any of the ancestors I’m aware of.’

‘You may yet surprise yourself.’

‘I like young Melisa; I’d hate to think she’d end up in any kind of trouble. It strikes me you might be a chap with the wit to see that through.’

‘What trouble?’

‘As I mentioned back along, I was one of the last national servicemen.’

‘At the cypher school.’

‘Quite. Well at the end of it all a very military, but civilian clothed chap turned-up, and persuaded me to join him in what we still called, Signals Intelligence, in those days.’

‘I think I see where this is headed.’

‘Yes, it was Melisa’s grandfather. Your Daphne’s father. Now, I only stayed in that world a few years, civil service pay and conditions being what they were, but they do say once in, never out! The point is, as far as I am aware Daphne has never worked in Intelligence in any capacity, but she’s always been very loyal to her father.’

‘She thinks you were regarded as unsound on account of having an eye for the ladies.’

‘And it takes one to know one. In the popular mythology chaps who go up to the university often think, long after the fact, that some doddery old tutor must have made overtures to them regarding joining the intelligence community, but their failure to recognise the fact demonstrated their unsuitability. Ever asked how you came to find yourself in Daphne’s company?’

‘Oh, really Kenneth!’

‘And more to the point, why someone would think you a likely target?’

‘A dysfunctional background?!’

‘More than that, maybe. I have no access of course, but you can’t help thinking like them after a while, often one isn’t even conscious of operating in the interests of another, the best informants may be quite unaware of what they are, better still a compliant populace...’

‘Enough Ken, I can only take so much of the hall of mirrors.’

The damp autumn-like air meant tea around the kitchen table. ‘Are you going to tell them your news?’ Said Charlie, looking in Melisa’s direction.

‘I’ve passed my driving test. Don’t have a car, but passed the test.’

‘Congratulations.’ I replied. ‘What sort of a vehicle are you looking for?’

‘A stealth car.’

‘Ha! Aren’t we all.’

And after a pause, Charlie asked; ‘What happen to Northcott Electrics?’

‘That’s a point.’ Another pause for reflection.

‘And?’

‘What?’

‘I think what Melisa is asking is, who or what, is or was, Northcott Electrics?’ Kenneth added helpfully.

‘Cat’s old second-hand van, before he got the Triumph sports, good for hiding in plain sight.’

‘Jack would know.’ Offered Charlie.

‘I imagine he would. He also has a “stealth vehicle” of course, to use Mel’s phrase, although somewhat more aggressive! Anyway, that’s all by-the-by, since Jack’s garage is our only contact in the motor trade, we must pass you over to them. Charlie, lay-on a guided tour of Jack’s place for Mel.’

‘Very good, sir.’

We all lapsed into silence again.

‘Melisa is going to do some more work experience for us, at Royal Oak this time, obviously.’

‘Excellent, but be sure you can work out how much involvement the college authorities will have, education is the same organisation as health and social care effectively, monitoring wise, if you see what I mean?’

‘Sure, won’t be for a while, everything should be official by then.’ Reassured Charlie.

‘Good.’

‘Of course, my real problem is university.’ Mel surprised me.

‘How so?’

‘Everyone assumes I want to go, should go. I’m not sure, not sure at all.’

‘And people - less smart people - feel affronted when the really smart person, for whom they thought they were creating universities, seems less than enthusiastic.’

‘You know, of course.’

‘But so does your father, what’s his take on all this?’

‘He just sits there like a lemon saying; “Anthony can advise you better on this.” Which sends mother like, crazy; “She’s your daughter, for goodness’ sake! You should...”; this, that and etcetera. But he just takes it.’

‘And you’re hesitating because?’

‘I don’t want one the professions, and I don’t want a lifetime of debt!’

‘Money’s not a problem, your father just has to phone his accountant. He’ll take a thrashing from your mother on your behalf, so you get the freedom to choose.’

‘I just want wheels, cash in hand, a trade, one of those jobs which is always going to be needed, something useful, something where I can see the result at the end of the day. As far as I can see, what with this climate thing, it’s just economic chaos and more wars about resources and stuff.’

I was shocked, though I hoped I didn’t show it, for what she’d said was music to my ears. ‘Okay, well that can go one of two ways, towards a craft or towards a skin trade.’

‘What’s a skin trade?’

‘Crimpers, the rag trade, street hawkers, vicars, tarts.’

‘Spies.’ Added Kenneth.

‘Alternative therapists, beauticians’ Said Charlie.

‘And, whatever training or courses you end up on, the principle is that you apprentice yourself to a master, who has the skills you need but don’t yet have. It may not be your actual boss, maybe someone from elsewhere who you never actually get to meet, or even someone long dead, but you lock-on to them and imitate them, and by trial and error over time... You know, what used to get me was people saying; “What are you interested in?" Or; “What are you good at?" The question ought to be; what are you enthusiastic about? What absorbs you, what makes you feel, maybe hours later, well that was really no effort at all!’

‘Oh, no. The time. Mother will kill me, again.’

‘Take some fruit, evidence of purposeful activity.’

113: Conclave

‘Shrublands!’ Exclaimed Sparkwell.

‘Correct.’

‘You do mean the care home that masquerades as a health farm?’

‘You’ve been there I take it?’

‘Very occasionally. Why choose such a place for your secret conclave?’

‘Well, we can use the community room for free.’

‘You know what I mean!’

‘Jack is confined there.’

‘Permanently?’

‘Who knows. Anyway, according to Junior Jack the only practical solution is for us all to trail out there.’

‘And why am I required to attend, sir?’

‘Security detail. You’re the only person who can disarm Junior Jack with just a wink.’

‘Why would I need to?’

‘Jack, despite his infirmity, still keeps an iron grip over the family firm, much to the annoyance of Junior Jack and young Jimmy.’

‘The sons you were at school with?’

‘Before I escaped the blackboard jungle at the insistence of the Aunts, and the assistance of the old family trust. But the point is the boys have remained rough around the edges and tempted to take the law into their own hands, because Jack failed to delegate and let them learn the ropes, educate themselves.’

‘Actually, for once that makes sense, remembering what Junior Jack was like when he was a bouncer.’

‘And given we’ll be in a care home, surrounded by the fragile boned.’

‘Okay, you win.’

In the end, all us visitors were sat around the community dining table as if awaiting the arrival of a King. One end of the table had been left free in expectation of a wheelchair, but it had the effect on all of us, of feeling we were being kept waiting by a status conscious boss. Charlie, having facilitated chairs and fruit juice, hovered somewhere beyond the open double doors. When Jack finally arrived, pushed by Junior Jack, he gave a faintly royal wave. When settled, he grunted somewhat curtly; ‘Well Gerry?’

‘Er, thank you Jack. Well, this is just an informal meeting, make sure we’re all up to speed. The formal proposals have all gone in, not sure how long we’ll need to wait for a response, Anthony?’

‘According to my source we should expect a formal letter of rejection within a couple of weeks.’

‘What?

‘Rejection!’

‘That’s the way it works, apparently. The rejection letter which we receive will have a set of recommendations as to how we should have framed our proposals had we known what we were doing. We take a rap on the knuckles, then follow the recommendations to the letter, whatever they are. But, if I’ve read our source right, then their proposals will be everything we really want.’

‘What a performance!’

‘The bureaucracy has to justify its existence, if they just accepted everything, they’d never get a budget, or two floors of prime central London real estate.’

‘Bastards.’

‘How, er, well placed is your source, Anthony?’ Asked Brian.

‘A senior ex-civil servant, in the ORR. There’s really nothing underhand about it, procedures are ultimately public documents. Public servants are there to give the public, advice. If one has the wit to know who to ask, that is.’

‘But we all signed off on the original proposal!’

‘Ah! I see your concern. The changes will all be procedural, about timing, fitting in with all else that’s going on locally. The main difference will be splitting the timing into three phases, one contingent upon completion of the previous, which suits us obviously, since the whole thing will take years anyway. All the legal hurdles, adjustments if you like, are already in the bag. There’s just one, minor contingency we need to prep for.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘All this is being done without the need for a new act of parliament, however, parliament does get to scrutinise, if it be so minded.’

‘But we’re running out of time!’

‘Oh, I rather hope it will go all the way to the wire! A slightly rushed approval probably suits us.’

‘You’ve got some bottle, Arlington! One day you’ll come a cropper.’

‘I think he’s right Dad.’

‘Oh, you do, do you?’

‘You never get beyond the fancy talk, Dad, that family trust of his is three times richer than it was in his father’s day, from everything I hear.’ At which point Junior Jack favoured me with one of his evil grins, pure schoolyard.

‘Well, the more progress we can make this year the better.’ Said Brian. ‘It is after all the fiftieth anniversary of us taking over our part of the existing railway, and this year is also the centenary of the GWR Castle Class locos.’

‘Yes, thank you Brian.’ Said our nominal chairman. ‘Well Anthony, I’m told you were tasked to come up with something to waylay any potential hold-out?’

‘Ah! Now then, gentlemen, we may just have had our first genuinely lucky break!’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Brenda Radnor, that stalwart trade unionist of the old Left, has just been adopted as parliamentary candidate at the next election. In all likelihood a much-respected resident of that picturesque village that we all love and hate, will now be our next member of parliament.’

‘How the hell does that help us?’

‘She, will bask in the glory of bringing much needed employment to our neck of woods, and we, the true origin of those jobs, will keep quiet about it, when in the fullness of time the line to Morestead is unimpeded.’

‘Don’t ask, Jack.’ Said Gerald.

‘At least we’ll be shot of that dithering toff Flotterton!’

‘Dumping on old school “chums” now is it, Tony? Can’t wait to tell Jimmy!’ Followed by an even more intense evil grin.

‘Is there anything else you have for us Anthony? Before we move on.’ Asked Gerald.

‘Um, well, I have high hopes we can get the station that never had tracks nor trains, back.’

‘How? We’ve never managed it.’ Said Brain.

‘I’ve brought in a ringer, as our American cousins might say. A specialist in polite tea shops. An expert in picking up gossip amongst the more mature clientele, a veritable Miss Marple.’

At which moment Charlie clanged the unfamiliar swing door to the kitchen as she carried a fresh jug of juice; ‘Anyone for more?’

‘You can fill me up, darling!’ Said Junior Jack, turning on the charm.

‘I’m exhausted, having to survive only on juice, that is.’ I said, as Charlie steered us home. ‘Still, mission accomplished.’

‘Glad to hear it.’

‘You’ve got Junior Jack just where you want him.’

‘Have I?’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘You approve then?’

‘Absolutely. Just, be sure it’s chicken feed you’re giving away and not the crown jewels!’

‘We need to go via the other Jack’s filling station.’

‘Okay.’

‘Wow! I had no idea.’

‘When were you here last?’

‘Well, three or four months I suppose, what with you doing all the driving these days, maybe longer.’

‘But you were right, it works because of location, and all these guys hanging-out are taking their official breaks here now, whilst their publically-owned vehicles are charging.’

‘He’s a clever sod, Jack. The town’s leading petrol head, is fleecing the climate-changers.’

‘Jealous?’

‘It’s the street-smart thing that I don’t have. Mind you, the sooner the ordinary parking is extended the better, because those workers still in petrol vehicles will want to join their mates in here. Ambulance crews and police officers not just filling-up but loitering, that’s what we want. Amazing how good the coffee tastes too!’

‘Wainwright would go ballistic!’

‘But everyone’s a winner, it’s the natural hub, it will look like the cheapest option in her budget too. Have you noticed what the screens are showing? Pension and insurance ads.’

‘Poor sods.’

‘Actually, given they have no choice over which card they use for fuel, we need a fix for that. Find a way to make sure the discretionary purchases only, determine the content on screen...’