13: Charlie's country pursuits

‘Go on, you know you want to.’

‘But won’t we be in trouble before we’ve even arrived?’

‘Not once they see me run around with the rake immediately afterwards. Now, everything fully manual, centre of the drive, start your manoeuvre level with the front door, immediately after stopping, straight out the drive and around the back as usual.’

‘Holy shit!’

She did it very well, just a slight hesitation before exiting the drive. ‘Some of it hit the windows, I’m sure,’ she exclaimed.

‘Don’t panic, now I’ll get the rake, you do the bags and if you’re quick you might be able to get to the window at the top of the main staircase and take a picture of your handiwork before it disappears. Go!’

It was Julia who appeared at the front entrance moments after I’d begun re-sculpturing the gravel, adopting my most Zen-like manner. ‘School’s out for summer, I take it?’

‘I couldn’t stop her.’

‘Bollocks! You know what my husband just said, after not batting an eyelid; “That boy’s getting above himself”.’ I touched my forelock. ‘Charlotte! Come down at once.’ The echo from the stairwell carried a remarkable distance.

‘They’re expecting you in the library, sir. Miss Charlotte is there already, she’s been forgiven, but they’ve convening some kind of kangaroo court for you.’

‘Thank you Gregson, I know the form, bit before your time but this used to be a regular occurrence.’

‘I don’t doubt it, sir.’

‘What is the actual damage?’

‘Hard to say, the glass along the front has numerous chips and not a few minor cracks, difficult to tell what was done when. But I expect you already knew that.’

‘What ho, one and all.’

‘You have some explaining to do young man.’ Uncle was standing at the fireplace, warming himself against a non-existent fire. ‘The price of our forgiveness is that you give a full and frank account to your beloved aunt, and tireless carer one might add in days of yore, as to how Mrs Tufnell has come to believe the sun shines out of your sorry arse!’

‘I bumped into her the other day, she couldn’t stop talking about how you’d been supporting Tuffy, researching treatments, making sure it was all covered by his health plan, asking her about Alicia Dolby and her clinic, reminiscing about the old days when I used to shepherd you and Tuffy back and forth, visiting Tuffy now he was back in his flat. And to cap it all how awful it must be for poor Alicia to have to resign from that Royal College job and cut back at the clinic due to ill health.’

‘Well, I had to chummy up to Tuffy’s mother the day before his transfer to make sure I’d got my facts right, gossip being what it is.’

‘Ha! Always wondered where the “thorough”, in thorough going bastard came from.’ Uncle’s retort was almost too much for Charlotte, she looked like she wanted to wet herself.

‘But Tony dear, he was off his Section, back home with his mother with a nurse therapist coming in every day in less than twenty-four hours. Now I know many people have thought for years she’s been providing dodgy treatments, but it is a private clinic, they’re allowed, buyer beware!’

‘Tuffy, had to be off the Section to get out, but not Informal, he had to be on a Community Treatment Order so the provider, had to provide a recognised treatment - a CBT qualified nurse in his case - so in turn the insurer had to pay.’

‘Okay, but I’m still not sure I get it.’

‘The electronic paper trail for the NHS, private providers and insurers is pretty much synchronised and locked down in the semi-private system we have now. The only way to make real money is when someone is in a clinic and you charge them cash for treatments that aren’t covered. So that can be anything, from getting promising new treatments fast, to vulnerable patients and families being ripped-off for years on end.’

‘So the system can be played,’ Uncle asserted. ‘You still haven’t explained precisely how you fixed it for Tuffy.’

‘Do I have to?’

‘Yes!’

‘Mrs Tufnell can walk into the Dolby Clinic any time she likes, to visit her poor son and discuss his care with her old friend and distant relative Alicia, if she feels duty bound to tell her son there might be a conflict of interest, questions of medical confidentiality and perhaps at the first sign of any paperwork he should make his old and trusted friend his Carer - after all hasn’t that friend already promised to get him out of there within twenty-four hours. Tuffy may be an idiot, but he’s not...’

‘And?’

‘So then I turn up, stick by Tuffy’s side like a limpet, saying only that Tuffy can’t pay and it all has to go on his Plan. Meanwhile his mother is automatically tracking down the boss and confiding all. After that, the staff who are actually looking after Tuffy rapidly arrive at the desired outcome.’

‘But, what about forcing her out of the Royal College?’

‘Oh, I know nothing about that. Although according to the staff some anonymous creep left a print, of a screenshot from some TED style video of her introducing the latest genetics and neuroscience, on her desk. On the back was some message about did this mean she was now going to drop her own research and therapies given that they were based on self-reported questionnaires, handed out by her personally and completed in her presence at the end of sessions, to less than twenty participants with no follow-up and no control group.’

‘I’ll make the tea.’

‘No, no Charlotte dear, you’re our guest. I’ll do that. Tell Tony about your penance.’

‘I’ll tell Tony about the verdict on poor Charlotte! You can sit down now by the way. She should’ve put her foot down, I mean not let herself be swayed by you. She’s to be confined to the woods for the duration, there to commune with nature and find spiritual enlightenment, and learn how to do a bit of coppicing. That reminds me, what do you know about charcoal burners?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘That’s high quality wood coming out of there, we have enough of the big stuff for the wood burning stoves, but the coppiced stuff would be ideal. Well?’

‘I’m not sure I’m in a cooperative mood having been dragged over the coals about standing by Tuffy.’

‘So you do know something. You understand the principles of most things, even if it’s others who end up doing the real work.’

‘I think it’s all about how much wood should be removed in total and the pace at which it is done. Traditionally one individual either does the work or supervises the whole wood; the selection of tress for firewood, the amount of coppicing, how much should stay on the ground, how much taken out, being mindful of where new trees are coming, acting as an ongoing presence in the woods to discourage the larger animals, selecting the really fine stuff for fencing and other woodcraft type uses, and what goes into the burner. Actually I think its two burners because you want to be able to start stacking up the next one, before the other one is cold. So yeah, it’s one person per so many acres, and their pace of work and multiple tasks ensures the woodland never gets depleted, or too dark and dense for regeneration and the balance of the flora and fauna.’

‘All that, off the top of your head?’

‘Well I don’t really know, I’m just trying to reason it out. Ask an expert.’

‘There aren’t any, according to Gregson, apart from the half dozen blokes in the country who can still do it - and they have a hard job explaining anything. I have technocrats designating my land ancient and protected, insisting on a management plan involving certificated workers with machines following a schedule, and Greens telling me the answer is to do nothing because it’s nature, well it’s not, it was planted by humans, only it just happened to be hundreds of years ago, I just wish I knew their practice.’

‘I stayed in a yurt once,’ said Charlie filling our glasses. ‘It was in a clearing, the ground around it was scorched, the forest was planted in regular rows but so dense everyone was scared to go in for fear of becoming disorientated, what’s the point if you can’t see the sun and shadows, feel the wind and change in temperature, which side is damp, navigate, know where to kip down so you’re never get too cold.’

‘Bravo Charlotte, I must get you to write something for the magazine. What are we drinking, Tony? It’s excellent, old I should think.’

‘You two don’t know your own cellar. Older than Charlotte.’

‘Bloody hell! My fault for letting you down there I suppose.’

‘North of the river, top of the hill.’

‘Oh, don’t start that!’

‘It was your father’s butler who told me about it, I was about seventeen, he’d just bought it, left it a bit late even then, pricey he thought, but worth it. I’ve been watching the labels drop off for the last twenty years.’

‘So what has pulling that cork cost me?’

‘Who knows, all sensible people have already drunk it.’

Julia cut in; ‘Well, knowing your tastes, the kind of bottle, it’s red, what you just said about dates means, the eighty-two Bordeaux?’

‘So? Famous little town on a little hill…’

‘St. Emilion’, said Charlie.

‘Well, bugger me!’

(That’s it for ‘season one’, this blog will resume when time permits!)

12: Sparkwell's ecotherapy

‘Tony, I’m worried about your aunt, that magazine of hers is driving her potty, it’s never made any money and never likely to. Sells mostly to Townies anyway, never ending articles squabbling about how come the country isn’t more like the city, or why you need new technology in order to be Green, never read such nonsense in my life.’

‘Yes, but surely she’s not involved in the day to day running of it, let alone the journalism, she’s just the founder and owner, she just has to make sure it doesn’t actually lose money and drop you in it.’

‘But that’s just the point, she can’t help getting involved, I tell her to delegate. You don’t see me telling Gregson how to plant potatoes.’

‘Well quite.’ We were propping up the bar at the Park, prior to Uncle’s annual inspection of his investment, and the giving of his nod to the accounts.

‘What would you do with “The Countrywoman”?’

‘The only thing I know about magazine publishing is that you don’t actual need a large or growing circulation, just low production costs. Ever wondered why in the age of the Internet the supermarket magazine racks have even more titles than ever before? It’s a few years back now, but there was a time not so long ago when you only needed sales of about thirty thousand.’

‘Fascinating. You always are a mine of information. Julia thinks you’ve made quite a bit on the side. Is that true?’

‘You’re a one for plain speaking.’

‘Don’t flatter me, I need an answer.’

‘I’ve been lucky, twice. Good timing. Sold a couple of Start-ups, put the money in the family trust which has very tight rules about safe investments. So, despite what my Aunt, Elisabeth Hayward may believe, she and I, and Charlotte come to that, won’t starve.’

‘Good lad. Now then, one of the ground staff was telling me a few minutes ago he’s worried the pond is drying up.’

‘Really.’

‘Seems despite the heavy rain this year, the level keeps falling, the Lord knows what one does about that, always was rather a feature of the place, totally artificial of course and somewhat diminutive, but nonetheless?’

‘I wonder if the committee has asked itself what the rock this estate sits on is made of?’

‘Don’t imagine they’ve ever given it a thought.’

‘Perhaps it’s the same stuff as this floor, didn’t this used to be part of the original terrace, open to the elements?’

‘Julia said she enjoyed that Tea you laid on, said it was a hoot. Better toddle off to that meeting I suppose, back here in an hour?’

On his way out, Uncle passed Sparkwell on her way in. Rather too loudly he said; ‘That employer of your's is a rogue, a rogue gentleman.’

‘I’m working on that, sir.’

‘Good.’

She drew up alongside. ‘Your Uncle just winked at me. What have you been saying to him?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘Okay. I’ve just been insinuating myself at the spa.’

‘Excellent. I wondered why you’d stayed in your fitness trainer’s uniform today. What have you learnt?’

‘Plenty of members ask for a happy ending, but none of them get it.’

‘Well that’s a relief.’

‘Aromatherapy is a bit off.’

‘Really?’

‘Well it’s a small point, but one day it might be a health and safety issue, they use too higher concentration of oils, toxic if ingested or if too much gets absorbed. I know why they do, it’s because modern human’s consciousness of smell is fucked. It doesn’t have to be that way, you know that, after all you love having your tongue in me all the time.’

‘Yeah, but genital secretions during arousal, for want of a better phrase, are about individual genetic compatibility. Smells that trigger relaxation must have to be almost universal to be a practical therapy.’

‘And the treatment only fails if you make stupid claims for it. It is just the smell. The smell is the trigger for some unknown reaction in the brain, that’s all it is. Get the right smell in the toiletries, the background ambience, and you don’t even need special sessions. Can you take me for a walk in the woods or something?’

‘Sure, let’s go.’

‘Satisfied?’

‘For now.’

‘One day we’ll be caught, we’re barely off the path.’

‘Anywhere will do, as long as I have a tree to lean on. Don’t you think the yoga is making you more flexible?’

‘Sure, keeps me more focused too.’

‘Look! That rumour about the lake must be true. See, there’s definitely less of it.’

‘So there is. Of course, it’s when they find the hole and try to plug it that the fun will really start.’

‘You really are an utter bastard aren’t you?’

‘Occasionally, maybe.’

‘Your Uncle meant rogue as in rogue elephant, didn’t he?’

‘Well that was un-expectantly pleasant, if I’ve read these figures right I’ve now passed the point of getting my investment back from a decade ago, and even have a couple of grand in pure profit coming to me this year.’

‘Congratulations. What do your fellow investors think?’

‘Oh they never stop nit-picking, quite amusing to watch really, they think the way we’ve set up as an old fashioned club is stopping them from maximising their returns. You know the way these corporate suits talk is a lot like the civil servants from Whitehall or Brussels. No wonder they’re all Remoaners, its vested interests. They don’t like your lot either, seems they still can’t buy their way into controlling what happens online.’

‘Long may it last. Shall we take tea?’

‘Just as you like.’

Uncle, Charlotte and I sat together. Then Cat turned up rather breathlessly and asked to join us. ‘I’ve just been to see Tuffy, looks like death but they say he’s on the mend. He on the other hand is terrified of being delivered into the hands of the Dolby Clinic, can’t say I blame him. His parting words were; “Tell Tony to get me out of here before that woman gets to me”.’

‘Can’t be done old boy, he can’t be sprung until he’s actually at Dolby’s.’

‘Too much security you mean?’

‘No. Physical methods won’t work anyway. Any unit can be made secure in a matter of moments these days. What a unit is, or does is determined by the qualifications of the staff that are present at any moment in time. Psychological methods are better and faster - those who wanted him in, have to want him out, they themselves then fix the paperwork and facilitate his departure for us.’

‘This was always the way it was at school Charlie, Tony would work things out then duffers like Tuffy and me would spring into action. So, what’s next Tony?’

‘Simple, two people have to rapidly come to the conclusion that the most therapeutic place for Tuffy is to be tucked up in bed at home with an improving book - to wit, his mother and Dame Alicia.’

‘How on earth do we fix that?’

‘Dame Alicia must realise on day one, assessment day as it were, that letting Tuffy in is the worst mistake she could have made, threatening the whole future of her empire, but of course she’s done it at the bidding of Mrs Tufnell; she will then need to engineer a miraculous recovery, discover a misdiagnosis or whatever, and deliver him back to mother in triumph.’

‘Why would she do that?’

‘Strangely enough, the same reason she did the initial, so called favour.’

‘Burning eh, now that’s a double-edged sword Tony.’ Uncle was suddenly animated. ‘People become unpredictable, get the hump, stand on principle sometimes, decide to go down with the sinking ship if they think the world’s gotten to know their secret, get irrational.’

‘I’m thinking she just needs reminding how close to the fire she is actually sitting. Strange how the more unsullied a reputation people pursue, the more vulnerable they make themselves, don’t you think? Thanks for your enthusiasm Cat, but you can tell Tuffy I shall be handling his case alone, all you need to do is reassure him he’ll spend no more than one night at Dolby’s, perhaps not even that. Now then, how’s the Games Room coming along, I’m sure we’d all appreciate a guided tour...’

11: When two aunts meet

I’m not much of a one for the ladies myself, and what with life with Charlotte having settled down into a comfortable routine, my mind has been on matters other of late. But, having learnt over the years that just as everything is going along swimmingly, something is sure to come along and give it to you in the neck, the observational antennae are never quite switched to off - they always remain alert to potential pains. Such was the case when having just confirmed with Julia that we would host a teatime get together at the flat that very day, I suddenly felt a nervous shudder, as if the heating had gone off on a winter’s day. A second or two later it occurred to me that we must be perilously close to another visit from Aunt Elisabeth, it would be just my luck to have to referee a clash of the Titans.

‘Charlie! Oh, there you are. Julia will be here at four-ish, when do you imagine Mrs Hayward will next descend?’

‘At four o’clock precisely.’

‘What!’

‘Her usual text came through whilst you were speaking to her ladyship.’

‘Knock it off. Situations like this make me distinctly jumpy.’

‘I’d have thought you’d revel in it.’

‘No, certain plans may be well and truly buggered if the two of them start sparing.’

‘You could brief Julia.’

‘Normally yes, but I’m thinking of Uncle and me at the moment.’

‘Well cancel one of them.’

‘Either one would smell a rat, in their own way. No, we’ll just have to brazen it out.’

‘Now I know I’ve had to be severe with you in the past about your association with Mr Tufnell, but one would have thought that after all these years, loyalty at least would have led you to rally round. I’m told he’s had a complete nervous collapse. Naturally the family have had to call on Dame Alicia to intercede, but apparently he’s been taken to an Intensive Therapy unit, whatever that is, and is being held under the Mental Health Act, so until he shows some improvement even she cannot transfer him to her own facility.’

‘Thank God for that.’

‘What do you mean, Anthony?’

‘Well, maybe a locked ward is the best place for him, until the divine madness of Waitress Affective Disorder has peaked.’

‘You’re lapsing into gibberish…’

‘Tea, madam? Anthony believes Mrs Hayward that Mr Tufnell’s sexual attraction for waitresses has become habitual, almost compulsive, and when these relationships fail to be consummated, the outcome amounts to something like a full blow psychiatric disorder.’

‘Clearly Anthony your obsession with the Internet has led you to spend far too much time reading ill-informed medical opinion.’

Thankfully at that moment the intercom buzzed, Charlie dutifully attended. ‘It’s me, Julia. Charlotte love, can you let me in?’

‘Certainly, your ladyship.’ Silently I hoped Sparkwell’s formality might be enough to alert her.

‘That was Lady Julia, you didn’t inform me she would be calling.’

‘I was waiting for a lull in the conversation…’

‘Do come in, madam.’

‘Oh! He’s not making you stand on ceremony is he? Tony, show some class!’ Then turning back to Charlie; ‘Now I’ve just been looking around town and I’ve found something I just know you’re going to love, here, open it later when you’re alone.’ It was only then she decided to notice Aunt Elisabeth; ‘Mrs Hayward! What a delightful surprise, we haven’t met for ages, the last time must have been, well, the unfortunate incident at Barnabas Gruber’s wedding. Do you ever hear from him these days Tony?’

‘Well, as a matter of fact, only the other day...’

‘We were discussing the urgent matter of Mr Tufnell when you arrived Lady Julia.’

‘Oh I don’t imagine any of us will be seeing him for a while, especially if his mother allows Alicia Dolby to get her hands on him, shame really, I’ve always thought all he needed was regular sex rather than forever chasing after elusive love. No, I’m here to talk about your summer hols at Checkley, Tony. It’s going to be so much more fun with Charlotte along. Why has she retreated to the kitchen?’

‘Tact, one imagines. Anthony’s life has been a lot more disciplined under her influence. It may not be my place to say it, but over familiarity will only endanger the improvements she is already making.’

‘Well Elisabeth I must concede your generation does come from a more austere tradition. Still, neither of us have been blessed with children, after Tony, it’s the end of the line.’

‘Quite. For decades he’s avoided marriage, time that should have been spent rearing children.’

‘Perhaps it’s not too late.’

‘Enough!’ I interceded. ‘Now, on the matter of the summer, we’re both looking forward to it, but how long will Uncle want us hanging around?’

‘He’s been ruminating on the future a lot lately. He sent a message, would you accompany him to the Park development get together meeting thing next week?’

‘Of course. Now, since you’re both here, and since you say I’m the end of the line, if there are any, how should I say, matters pertaining, as to how you’d like things sorted out, in the inevitable event of your respective demises, you’re going to have to let me know one way or another. If you see what I mean?’

‘Well! What an extraordinary way you have of putting things. I can tell you, that I have, upon the urging of Merriweather at the solicitors, written a Will, all is in order, rest assured.’

‘Yes Tony, there is a lot to work through, and it’s all very complicated, your Uncle doesn’t know what to do for the best. So I’ve told him I’m going to force the issue and write a one line Will leaving what little I have to my name, to you, then it’s up to him.’

‘The title passes to a cousin I believe.’

‘I’ve really no idea how these things work, what concerns my husband Elisabeth is that the estate should go to someone with the financial wherewithal to manage it properly, he feels he’s never been able to quite do that.’

Somehow Charlotte knew it was the moment to return, she brought with her fresh-boiled, to top-up the pot.

‘So, Charlotte how do you fancy spending your time at Checkley? Do you ride?’

‘Well sort of, but not well. I’m more of a woodland person.’

‘Coppicing is never ending of course. Tony’s job is to keep his Uncle entertained, get him doing rather than moping.’

‘Goodness, is that the time, I should really be making a move Anthony.’

‘Before you go Aunt, there’s something I think you’ll want to see, a very short video clip, I found it on YouTube, you’ll recognise a couple of the faces. I’ll play it on the TV, just a sec.’

Three minutes later. ‘Well really! What is the world coming to, and from a solicitor, one would think such blatant backslapping was without any legal probity, “we have no hesitation in recommending their financial expertise”, and Brinkley, he looks so smug. I thought they were quite independent, I had no idea they were in bed together, no better than estate agents. I wonder if I should take my business away from the two of them?’

‘Oh I wouldn’t do that Aunt, I think you’ll find we are their business. By the way Julia, should Uncle be in need of advice, say with regard to trusts and the proper stewardship of land…’

‘You’re a wicked boy, Tony. Do you know Mrs Hayward I think you’re right, Tony does need Charlotte’s firm hand.’

10: Sparkwell's confession

Charlie and I took the omnibus to Jack’s garage. He had summoned us both, requesting I give a demonstration.

‘It’s not that I don’t trust you Tony, it’s just that me and my crew get a bit nervous when a customer asks us to fit kit we’ve never heard of and don’t understand, especially when it’s obviously a computer bigger than the last one!’

‘Well I’ve never trusted you, so why should you return the favour?’

‘They had to botch around the dash a bit to make it fit, absolute limit size wise.’

‘Bring your tablet along, if you let me use it I’ll bookmark the websites for the software I’ll be downloading later. All I can show you today is what comes with it.’

‘Fair enough.’

I sat in the driver’s seat. ‘Okay, so what we have here has the same hardware capabilities and processing power of the latest mobiles or tablets but with a lot more storage. The preloaded software is designed to collect any data it can from other vehicles, the sort of stuff driverless technology would need, nonetheless such data would still have to be uploaded somewhere else every other day or so to prevent the machine grinding to a total halt. My evil intent however is to divert that capacity for other purposes. But, just as a demo, there you go!’

‘That’s meaningless code to me old son!’

‘Hang on, how about, there - the architecture of radio turned into a floor plan!’ The screen was suddenly showing a pictogram of the fifteen or so cars in, and immediately outside, the garage.

‘Yeah, that’s what’s going to do for us if we don’t look sharp about it. We need faster turnaround, get them back in the owner’s driveway by the time the snoopers do a sweep…’

‘Hang on, there you go, that one has its computer on, and that’s the list of identifiable stuff. Now look there, I don’t know but isn’t that suggesting it has components from more than one vehicle?’

‘Fuck!  That’s the one my main man is working on right now! Anyway, that’s our problem. What I want to know is, what is it going to be recording the next time you and your sidekick turn up?’

‘So, my interest is,’ turning now to Jack’s tablet; ‘First this company’s driver and passenger facial recognition software, also here for facial emotion recognition, there for eye movement, and finally this site for voice recognition and voice emotion.’

‘Well I’m sure you’ll make a mint whatever you do.’ He stepped out of the passenger seat and held the door for Charlie; ‘I should stick with him love, I know he goes about like he’s landed gentry with all the time in the world - but he’s always ahead of the game!’ She had no answer for that, so he carried on; ‘I heard your pal Tufnell got picked up last night, I expect you’re off to Court next?’

‘No business of ours, if he’s pinched something for a bet, again, that’s his look out.’

‘Oh I think it might be more serious than that, some disturbance at a club I’m told. Went a bit bananas, so maybe the magistrate will palm him off on to mental health.’

‘Thanks for the intel Jack, see you soon.’

‘You’re not concerned about Tuffy?’

‘No. If he wants help he’ll find a way of getting in touch.’

‘How on earth did Jack know?’

‘He has his network, and he’s very precise and purposeful in what he says, he told me in order to get my response and pass it back up the line to wherever the information came from.’

‘This is all very mysterious, all very boy’s games. What was that about trust anyway?’

‘We both believe in human fallibility, therefore we don’t take things on trust, we’re practical men, we test things out, start over in each new situation because we know we don’t know what’s going on. Jack was admitting he doesn’t know and is prepared for his potentially dodgy practices to be exposed in order to find out.’

‘You gave him more than you needed to.’

‘I want him on side, I want him to succeed, there’s a lot to be gained from so called “driverless technology” but it sure as hell isn’t autonomous vehicles on the open road!’

‘Now you’ve lost me.’

Back at the apartment, Charlie remained in reflective mode; ‘Why all the high tech body language stuff, hardly natural behaviour in natural environments?’

‘Simple, it’s more accurate and reliable than humans.’

‘People love finding out about others nonverbals, but when it comes to their own, and trying to change them - they loath it!’

‘Yep!  And when they see it coming back at them from the screen they’ll go into even greater paroxysms of denial.’

‘So how is it ever going to be useful?’

‘The outsider looking on sees the truth of it in others; the teacher, employer, police, intelligence community, mental health eventually. They’ll insist. By which time the thinking machine will be unstoppable.’

‘What about privacy, and freedom of choice?’

‘Two popular myths, always were. That won’t change. And people’s unconscious learning and behavioural responses will carry on regardless too.’

‘So why bother?’

‘When the machine keeps telling you what is natural to homo sapiens and therefore healthy too, eventually a few will exploit that and force others to follow. Those who can’t, or won’t, will select themselves out.’

‘As in evolution?’

‘Sure.’

‘I’ve got to level with you. I’m not altogether what I seem.’

‘Okay. But if you’re about to confess to stuff that is already checkable online, I probably already know, I did quite a bit of searching before I let you through the door for the first time.’

‘None of this matters to me Charlie.’

‘I know, that’s why I love it here. I just had to say it out loud, for myself really.’

‘Just, please go back to squatting on your mat, let go, you’ll be focused again in seconds.’

‘Okay.’

‘I mean, anyone born and named Charlotte in the mid-eighties, and your school is on your CV, everyone with my background knows it’s the ultimate private school for so called problem kids. Besides, look at me, being told I had learning difficulties because I was ‘high functioning’! That always felt like being patronised by the less intelligent. I’ve sat in the waiting rooms of so called specialists alongside plenty of people like you who were meant to be there for the opposite reason. Thought to be thick as shit and vulnerable because you would naively navigate the world with your emotions rather than with your reasoning…’

‘But there’s a “but”.’

‘Is there?’

‘Now we’re getting on like a proper couple, in private; I’d like us to stick with the employer, employee thing, even, master and servant - when anyone else is around.’

‘It doesn’t bother you, the status thing, gender roles…’

‘No. As you’ve said, legally I could take you to the cleaners if ever we split-up. I like the game, I want to stick it to the others like you do. Besides, the structure of the old-fashioned daily routines, that stuff keeps me focused, keeps me on the level.’

‘By the way, I ought to say, Julia gets it.’

‘You told her about me?’

‘No, but she’s pretty good at picking up on stuff, she’ll always be on our side, just be aware she sees a lot.’

9: Sparkwell and the handshake interupt

The doorbell of the flat must have started ringing whilst we were in the shower. Then the sound of knocking could be heard as I fixed Charlie’s squirrel. ‘Shouldn’t we do something about that?’ she asked.

‘No. I’m pretty sure Madam Concierge, ably assisted by Jim, will be escorting whoever from the building at any moment.’

Playing back the security video gave us both a good laugh. The wide-angle lens acts so well in caricaturing an individual I always think. First the ungainly walk, then the leering face led by the nose, the pacing up and down; finally Tuffy’s exultations that I was his oldest friend, that he knew I was in there, that it was an urgent life and death situation - all as he was expertly guided out of shot.

We barely had time to compose ourselves before the intercom went. ‘Calm yourself Tuffy!’ I said as I released the button.

Charlie held the door open in expectation; ‘Calm myself! How can I be expected to calm myself? First this terrible news, then being frog marched from the building. Where were you, what were you doing?’

I noticed that as he said these words he seemed to be addressing them to Charlie. Her response was to guide him to one of the straight backed chairs that always seem to be about these days. She stood behind him, gently massaging his shoulders as he expounded on the inevitable; ‘It’s over, she’s left me…’

‘Now, legs a little further apart, elbows towards the knees, now cover your eyes in the natural resting position. Ideally you should be squatting but that will do for now. Notice the breath, watch it, don’t try to control it. Breathing gently through the nose. No, mouth closed always. Now is all there is, and can ever be. The best thing about the past is that it is gone. You are safe now. Be in the moment...’

I won’t bore you with the rest, but it did remind me a little of hypnotherapy sessions I’d attended in the past, although they tended to be very wordy and of course lacked the benefit of the Sparkwell touch. After a while she bought Tuffy back to the sun on the windows, the summer sounds etc.

‘Tony old lad, do you remember Matron?’

‘Yes, Tuffy.’

‘How we used to try to find an excuse to see her, so as to listen to TMS on her radio on Test Match days.’

‘Only too well.’

‘Recently I find myself thinking more and more of those days.’

‘It’s because we’re both fast approaching fifty. Bit late for chasing after waitresses.’

Suddenly, a muffled cough; ‘Drink this if you would Mr Tufnell, you will need to re-hydrate.’

Later, after Tuffy had decided he couldn’t hang around listening to my inane chatter any longer, Charlie confided; ‘I’m a bit worried about that Jim, seeing him on screen reminded me, does he spend all his days riding the lift? I mean I know he’ll play the doormen as well as his cleaning and handyman duties…’

‘I’m sure the Dragon has him under control.’

‘And just what is their relationship?’

‘Well I’m not sure of the details, but he seems to spend nights in her rooms quite a bit. No weirder than us I guess.’

‘There was a strange incident with the lift.’

‘Go on.’

‘I was waiting with the laundry, the doors opened and he was just stood there inside, with a sort of thousand yard stare or whatever it is called, immobile. Then the doors started to close and it wasn’t till my foot triggered the doors to open again that he seemed to come back from wherever he was.’

‘Rather the opposite of Tuffy then.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well he was in a highly agitated state of consciousness, you put him into another state or trance using focus over a number of minutes, whilst Jim was in a ‘some other place’ kind of trance, but in an instant a minor shock provided the pattern break that switched him back to the present moment.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘We all go in and out of different trances or states of consciousness all the time, maybe ten times a day, what is therapeutic is your ability to do inductions and transformations.’

‘Do I? Is that what it is?’

‘Hypnosis is not what it is cracked up to be, because it is actually dead normal, that is, rapidly inducing states of deep relaxation. If you are in a so called trance, usually confused as being something special rather than just another state of consciousness, you are simply more open to others, less preoccupied with self, more open to the present and new learning...’ I stopped, now I’d shocked her, spoken aloud what she was, what she did. She went back to her mat, squatted there awhile, the palms of her hands over her eyes.

When she came back; ‘You said we were really working on the same project, I get that now, but how come you can say it, understand it, I can’t.’

‘You don’t have to, you can do it. It’s because I am a nerd, who read history and did computer science on the side, then read up on other scientific stuff.’

‘On our own we’re just us now. We should be leaving for the club soon.’

‘I say you haven’t seen Tuffy around? He’s meant to be delivering the headsets and jackets today, not to mention the master control box thingy.’

‘I doubt he’ll emerge for at least a week, probably in bed pining for his lost love.’

‘That’s all off again is it? Still he’s usually pretty fast when it comes to recovery. There is only one kind of madness and that’s the divine madness.’

‘That’s very good Cat. I didn’t realise you could do profundity.’

‘I’ll show you what else I can do - chits! Take a look at these. This, being supporting evidence for that, note to the committee.’

I laid the two pieces of paper side by side on the bar. ‘Oh I like this, I like this a lot.’ The memo stated that the flight simulator was on loan from the ‘Science Museum, Munich’. Whilst what purported to be an invoice in euros for transportation had on its masthead, ‘Deutsches Museum von Meisterwerken der Naturwissenschaft und Technic’.

‘Clever dodge eh?’

‘Absolutely. Now let me think this through…’

‘The name you’re really looking for old boy is, Hochschule fur angewandte Wissenschaften Munchen.'

'On the tip of my tongue. This is aeronautics, therefore this must be the work of Barmy Gruber. Some summer school research project gone horribly wrong, which fell off the back of a lorry whilst en route to its final resting place at the museum - no don't tell me, I don't wanna know.'