151: Constitution

‘Where are you going?’

‘Brenda is demanding a crash meeting.’

‘About what?’

‘If I had to guess, this week’s political machinations at the Park!’

‘I’d better watch your back.’

‘Okay.’

‘Where?’

‘Back of the marina, I’ll try and steer her into the other cafe.’

‘Where you used to take Mary Tufnell back in the day. Piece of cake.’

‘I’m under pressure from the party; they want to know about this Constitution Group meeting at the Park.’

‘And what do you want?’

‘I want to be left alone to get on with building local support so I retain my seat whenever the election comes.’

‘As of now you probably will, since the opposition is so divided.’

‘So, what do you know?’

‘Well, this group has booked in for three days. Longer than usual and the founder of the group, Lord Coates, club member, isn’t exactly over the moon about it. He’s always had this belief that Brexit benefits won’t happen unless you repeal legal and constitutional changes dating back twenty-five years. But now the pressure from below is to forge an alliance amongst all the disaffected groups on the Right, but that means all sorts of people who have failed in the past are now creeping out of the woodwork, looking for a second chance. Coffee?’

We settled in the cafe, my phone pinged with a message, looking up I said; ‘Do you have any security with you?’

‘No. I’m too junior, and at home in my constituency. Why?’

‘Oh, just routine. No, I think the real point is this fringe conference is just the sort of thing that will get the national media buzzing, especially if they spot ex-prime ministers dropping by. People conspiring, that will be their angle. You just need to keep your head down. And the message to your bosses must surely be, infighting on the Right is good for us. How’s your minister?’

‘Feeling the heat, he’s begun to realise that any future delays to local road and rail are going to be squarely blamed on him! Says all that steel girder-ing in your bridge has cost a fortune.’

‘Of course, electric vehicles weigh a ton! Still, our authentic stone facade is well underway.’

‘A watching brief.’ I said to Charlie as she drove us to the club on day one. ‘We stay out of it as much as possible, simply loiter in the lounge and bar, hoping to gather useful intelligence.’

There was a uniformed police presence in the carpark. Requests for ID. And low and behold as we entered the lounge; ‘I want a word with you two!’

‘Don! How are you?’

‘I thought the three of us were friends. But twice you’ve handed royal scoops to your aunt’s coffee table, ladies mag.’

‘We do have to try and be even handed. Besides, there are two autumn stories likely to break before Christmas, where I’m sure we can give each other a helping hand.’

‘Like what?’

‘Well, give you an off-the-record comment.’

‘I meant, what stories?’

‘I suppose both could be called celebrity stories.’

‘Charlie, what’s he talking about?’

‘No idea Don, first I’m hearing about it!’

A while later I saw Frimley emerge from the office looking harassed. ‘Anthony, just the chap. Do help get the club sec off my back, I really can’t be held responsible for attendees, let alone pay for their peccadilloes. You’re the only one with enough authority to put the boot-in.’

‘I’ll do what I can. Charlie and I will be here each day keeping an eye out.’

‘What a fine fellow you are. By the way, the rumour at Westminster is that Brenda’s minister is slowly going mad, begging the PM to reshuffle him, but of course the PM wants him to stay put and carry the can.’

‘Don’t you mean kick the can down the road, from one end of the county to the other.’

‘That’s rather good. Twenty-five years sounds about right then.’ He said, drifting off.

‘Anthony! Here you are.’

‘Buffy.’

‘Still content being a big fish, in a small pool?’ He said, looking around with an air of disdain.

‘Call me old fashioned, but I have this strange liking for getting the job done. Why are you here, your fellow attendees must wish to skin you alive.’

‘Men need to be led; they enjoy the smack of firm government. Talking of which, has Rory arrived yet?’

‘I’ve no idea. As usual I’m merely here to keep an eye on the family silver.’

‘That motorway of yours will never get built.’

‘Oh, but it will, as far as our great cathedral city, along with the old rail link.’

‘How come?’

‘Beyond the point of no return, legally and financially. If they follow our advice then it will come in reasonably on time, and budget. The twenty-five years is for all points West, beyond our bridge over the Morestead line.’

‘What makes you so sure?’

‘Think how many constituencies lie beyond, dependant on that road. And our local MP is ideally placed, to keep the minister in harness.’

‘What has she got on him?’

‘You do not wish to know!’

Once the conference was in session, Charlie and I hung around the hall, otherwise known as the games room. Between games of pool, we’d watch events on the modest, head-high monitor just to one side of the ballroom doors. But there were moments of boredom too, at such times one ends up reading the club noticeboard; ‘Notice to staff. No Lanyards Permitted. ID must be concealed but presented on request.’ Amen to that I thought.

‘Tony, come and listen to this.’ I wandered over. ‘Rory is making his speech, but it’s just his old speech from five years ago!’

‘It’s been billed as the “Flotterton manifesto”; he must have updated it.’

‘No, you can see where he hesitates, realises it’s a topical reference from back along, fluffs the line. Listen.’

‘Now the PM may not permit, er, did not permit, the word austerity to pass his lips, in this he is, was correct, for shaving budgets here and there for a few years will never be enough. The only way out is to cut absolutely the bloated and unnecessary state apparatus, the mindless bureaucracy which has grown around us all over the last fifty years. But, unlike entrepreneurial led growth, cutting the state is not a bottom-up process, quite the reverse. Number Ten must lead by example, the very cabinet table of which we are so proud, only comfortably sits eleven or twelve ministers, plus the Prime Minister himself and the Cabinet Secretary, there to record the minutes. With a reduction in ministries, there would be the chance of real cabinet government, again. Such was the situation the last time this country could call itself great. Now, we have a Cabinet Office employing a staggering eight thousand people.’

‘This is embarrassing, and I'm not even in the room!’

‘A Colonial Office of a few hundred administered an empire, now the same number hand out aid we can ill afford, for projects where we never discover whether they worked or not. A policy of intervention in the affairs of others is an outrageous foreign policy, hugely expensive and merely encourages antipathy towards the West. I say trade, not aid.’

‘Your fantasy of the Anglosphere, the new Victorians...’

‘The NHS has become a monster out of control, creating endless demand, as the population gets ever unhealthier. How wrong Bevan and the men from the ministry were, to believe that the real cost of the NHS would fall over time as less people got ill.'

At which point, one of the ballroom doors opened gingerly, and a shock of blonde hair stuck its head out; ‘Ah, Charlie, Anthony!’

‘We’ve been watching on the screen.’

‘Yes, I was wondering if anyone... I say, no secrets between us three, not for years, right?’

‘It’s word for word; he’s just reading it out!’ Exclaimed Charlie.

‘Yes, I told him to develop it a bit, perhaps he picked up the wrong draft, nerves no doubt, that’ll be it. Lady Prudence is in the front row after all. You surely don’t want the credit for it, Anthony?’

‘By no means! Besides, it was your idea. I was thinking of the rumour mill.’

‘Who have you told?’

‘No one. Do you talk in your sleep? I understand Carrie’s reminiscences, taped by the Don, were heavily redacted for publication.’

‘Good God! Still today’s speech is just the basis for an argument, the great historian is up in a minute, he’ll put flesh on the bones, repeal and restore, that’s the ticket, kick the new puritans into the street, proper restoration, no need for civil war, anyway I must get back...’

‘I thought he’d been cancelled?’

‘No, no he’s here, sat next to Prue, bright as ever, can’t be a day short of eighty.’

108: The strange affair at the Dissipated Kipper

‘I suppose you know all about this?’ So said Charlie, head in tablet, as I entered the kitchen for my restorative morning coffee.

‘Well...’

‘And Don’s been less than frank.’

‘In fairness he didn’t know he was on the verge of a major exclusive until after the pictures were taken. For what it’s worth, I think your pics are better, should be a nice little earner.’

‘That’s not the point! I almost feel sorry for Buffy now, it’s not quite cricket.’

‘But then I’m no gentleman player. Still, there’s a free lunch in it for us, if it works.’

‘If what works?’

‘Carrie wants Buffy gone.’

‘Clearly!’

‘This way, Buffy, I predict, leaves her, stomps out in high dudgeon. Carrie reckons if she threw him out, he wouldn’t go quietly.’

‘Male ego.’

‘That’s the plan. And some extra cash for her to oil the wheels when she takes hands-on control of the pub once more. An outcome devoutly to be wished by the regular punters, so I’m told.’

‘Ada! Good morning, good morning.’

‘Here to fleece an old widow?’

‘Only of a cup of tea, if there’s one going.’

‘Come in quick, lest you be seen loitering.’

I was shown politely into the living room. I few minutes later tea appeared. ‘Congratulations on your golf by the way, officially top senior, not to be sniffed at.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Now then, what’s all this about you being strapped for cash?’

‘It may seem selfish in a cost-of-living crisis, but I’ve rather got use to my creature comforts. I’ve been doing the accounts. Things don’t quite add up.’

‘Right, so it’s not a one-off debt, you’re just short of a few thousand a year?’

‘What I’m short of is peace of mind. I’d actually have to sell-off quite a lot to generate the interest I’d need.’

‘Right. Well, to begin at the beginning. If push comes to shove, you should let yourself go into arrears on the management fees and or your club membership, because, at the end of the day, one or both could be claimed for from your estate. No one is going to throw you out whilst you have assets. Don’t get behind on basics like food, transport, utilities etc. And hold on to your shares until you want to sell them. I’d much prefer you took on a few commissions on the side.’

‘You want me to work for you?!’

‘Please, nothing so crude, but in my world, I can put a monetary value on almost anything...’

‘You do want me to hustle for you.’

‘Ada! Nothing that would leave you feeling in the least bit compromised.’

‘Your uncle is right to have doubts about you.’

‘You have the quiet, unobtrusive observational skills of a certain Miss Jane Marple - I can use that.’

‘I’m not some sort of honorary male!’

‘No, no, quite.’

‘I mean, I don’t mind being one of the chaps in public, but you know...’

‘Of course, must grate at times.’

‘I mean wearing these clothes, driving you around all the time, I get propositioned by enough women as it is.’

‘So, one would imagine.’

‘I just need a lot of old-fashioned straight attention.’

‘I’ll see what can be arranged.’

We were on our way to the Dissipated Kipper to claim our free lunch and hear how much truth there was in the Don’s version of Carrie’s version of life with Buffy and discover the fallout. Beyond the fact that Buffy had gone, we were in the dark.

‘Watch and learn Charlie, watch and learn.’

‘We have been here before; in case you’d forgotten.’

‘I know but I want you to appreciate that the country was once littered with blue-eyed, buxom blondes, leaning forward on beer sodden bars, showing all they’d got, and winking at the punters. The traditional barmaid is a very different kind of persuasion than your, barista-style waitressing. But no less effective for all that. Aye, aye, she’s coming over.’

‘One cod and chips and one plant-based platter, well on their way, may I join you?’

‘Naturally, it’s your bar!’

‘I know, it’s a good feeling, how’s the six-X?’

‘Excellent.’

‘Takings are up already. When Don realised what I wanted the money for, he said best forget the Downing Street stuff, and focus on the sexual shenanigans around here and at the cottage. The man’s a genius, we’re packed again and the regulars are only too glad to see the back of Buffy. Can’t imagine why I’m so popular again!’

‘Yes. The Beacon, family newspaper that it is, has to make the most of innuendo and the double entendre.’

‘Not sure I’d be so happy being so frank though.’ Mused Charlie.

‘Well, I’ve been around the block so much darling, seen it all I suppose, still all that play-acting stuff he used to insist on. I think he needed it all though, you know, to get aroused in the first place. I used to tell him; “relax, put yourself in the hands of an expert”, but it didn’t really work like that for him. Do you think it’s having puberty at a public school that brings on the kinky side, Tony?’

‘Well...’

‘Can't say I've noticed.’ Commented my companion.

‘Well no, not you Tony, always straight down, to business...’

‘What's happened to Fluffy?’ Interceded Charlie.

‘Told him to take the grubby thing with him. That was another bone of contention.’

‘How so?’

‘I wanted him outside, doing something useful, ratting, round the back of here.’

‘Where are they now?’

‘No idea.’

It wasn’t long before Buffy’s location became only too apparent. ‘How long can he afford a bedroom for?’ Asked Charlie as we motored to the Park.

‘Who knows. Still, the rulebook says you can only stay up to one calendar month.’

‘Rory’s Whitehall watchdog committee report is due out today; will he have seen it?’

‘Oh yes.’

We went our separate ways at the carpark.

Buffy snatched open the bedroom door so quickly, my hand was left raised in mid-air. ‘Oh! It’s you Anthony, I rather expected one of the staff, Fluffy has gone walkabout.’

‘Where did you see him last?’

‘Lost track of him coming in after our run.’ Which explained the rugby shirt, pre-war footer bags and essence of dog. ‘You’d better come in, I’m half way through the Flotterton Report, almost ten months and nearly a hundred pages, surprised he had the attention span. He’s a treacherous bastard. Prudence putting ideas in his head, she never liked me. You can have the turncoat back now. I’ll be full-time in the constituency, saving my seat! Have the Press turned-up yet, someone is bound to leak?’

‘Not as yet. You could hole-up here for up to a month without falling foul of the club, though I can’t promise the same for Fluffy.’

‘I’ll be gone within days. No, the Press are a minor irritant, one still has friends in Cabinet. Was that contact in Transport any use to you?’

‘Too early to say, we’re playing a long game.’

‘Can’t see why you’d be interested in steam trains, no money in it. Quite the reverse, unless that’s the point?’

‘We, had lunch with Carrie.’

‘You can have her back as well. Swop her for Charlie, eh?’

‘Ah, most amusing.’

‘What are you doing here anyway?’

‘Some of the chaps are concerned for your welfare.’

He paused, looked me up and down. ‘Really? We’re both just a couple of middle-class grafters, you and I. I’ll grant you give the finer performance, the tailored suit, fresh buttonhole. But some of that lot down below, are still obsessed with the outworn fetishes of a purblind social system.’

‘Rank is but the guinea stamp.’

‘How did you know I was going to say that?’

‘It’s a quote!’

‘But I just made it up.’

‘It’s Wodehouse!’

‘It is?’

‘The only author I’ve ever seen you reading. I’ll leave you alone now, so long Buffy.’

98: The Trumpton Interviews (part two)

‘Blimey! Pause it. Pause it and go back.’

‘Hang-on, this is clearly an event, I’ll switch to the tv screen and go back to the beginning, we can then pay proper attention, it is almost the full two hours, see?’

It was the week before Christmas, and the Don Wooley Podcast with the ex-prime minister was snatching the nation’s attention away from traditional media and their reverence for the late Queen. Which of course was fine for The Beacon - we were watching it on their channel having been prompted by verbatim transcripts in the paper - but their rivals and the BBC were floundering.

The aftershock promised to be considerable, grabbing the attention of the millions of us determined to listen, but in our case also watch, in our own time via social media. The podcast format seemed to have come of age, but in an incongruous set-up. There were Buffy and the Don, lounging in grand country house surroundings but talking like, well I imagine a couple of Aussie lager louts would, in some outback bar. The uninhibited atmosphere of the podcast, conducive to intimate confessions. The first of these ‘finished’ programmes surprised from the off, simply by its frankness about government affairs, an openness we British aren’t use to. Within a couple of minutes, the Don was interrupting Buffy’s flow with a query as to whether he was breaking the Official Secrets Act by talking in such a way.

‘Oh, don’t be such a big girl’s blouse Don!’

‘And that as well Buffy, some might say such language is sexist, if not misogynistic?’

‘It’s a joke, made by chaps against other chaps, nothing to do with the girls at all!’

‘To be honest, I’m not sure I understand it, where does it come from?’

‘Part of the great music hall tradition.’

‘But neither of us are old enough to remember!’

‘Misspent youth. I was one of the first generation to have a portable tv in my room at school, and at university come to that. Northern comics, drew a lot on their idols from the variety theatre.’

‘But what does it mean?’

‘Well, it’s the timeless image isn’t it! British working-class women chatting over the yard wall, or in the back lane as they hung out the washing, fussing and flustered, ample bosomed, grown fat on a diet of bread and dripping, shocked by the inconsequential behaviour of their neighbours.’

‘Making a fuss about nothing you mean?’

‘Absolutely. Cross talk and banter, the stuff of tv chat to this day.’

‘Yes. So, to bring it all back, the Official Secrets Act, is nothing?’

‘No, no, no, of course not. But my point is Don, so much of my tenure in Downing Street has been pawed over by the newspapers, parliamentary committees, even the Supreme Court, leaked emails, security footage, much of what we have to say to each other clearly has a precedent and is already in the public domain, or so the girlie-swot lawyers tell me!’

‘And how do you justify that one?’

‘One what?’

‘Girlie-swot.’

‘Oh! You want more definitions and derivations. Well now. You see again, its boys ripping the piss out of the other boys. I blame the teachers. Around about the end of the seventies, early eighties, there became available for the first time, mass stats on what happens to exam results when kids are taught in single sex classes or entire schools. As we all now know, not only do both sexes do better when not distracted, but girls out-performed boys. Right? So, in the years that followed our teachers were forever trying to motivate us to do better by ribbing us about how well the girls did. So, any lad who kept his head down, did everything the teacher asked of him...’

‘Was a girlie-swot.’

‘Precisely.’

‘And educational attainment through hard work is a bad thing?’

‘No, no. Its the going mad about exams. Specialising far too early. Not realising what school is really about.’

‘You mean things like, critical thinking and creativity?’

‘No Don! That may well be what schools, ought, or should be about, what they’re really about is learning what authority is, learning to conform to social norms, living by a timetable, learning how to be a future employee, how to spend your time working for somebody else.’

‘And you approve of that?’

‘Well its alright for most people, probably what they need, but not for the likes of us, aye Don? The measure of a chap, is can he escape all that? Do his own thing, cut his own path through life. But you’ve got to know the rules before you can break them, develop a touch of class, of style. Chaps who are focused on outcomes, don’t mind much how they get there, will do whatever it takes. Be your own man, that’s the thing. Of course, once in a while you get a girlie-swot who does come good, given enough time, boys like our A.A.’

‘A.A?’

‘Oh! Of course, you wouldn’t know, the chap you know as Tony, owner of this place.’

‘Part owner, along with the Earl.’

‘He always has aspired to be part of the landed gentry.’

Charlie grabbed the remote and pressed pause, saying: ‘That’s a good place to leave it for now, we’ve got Bob for tea, and I’ve got prep to do.’

‘Well thanks a lot! Stopping it just as my name is about to be dragged through the mud.’

‘I wonder how the club will react?’

‘Well, I imagine there will be a few stony-faced types who will be wittering about the constitutional implications and suchlike, but most will just find it hilarious!’

‘And how will Rory and Prudence react?’

‘They won’t like it. They’re going to find Buffy even more difficult to defend. Still, we won’t have long to wait, Buffy has been called in as a late substitute for Uncle, as speech-giver at the club Christmas lunch.’

‘Is his lordship unwell, sir.’

‘No, I don’t think so, just losing his taste for drunken revelries.’

As soon as we were sat around the kitchen table, staring at the pot, waiting for it to stew a little, the good Captain started in. Such romantic idealism was surprising in an older person, he’d clearly been captivated by the prospect of making their new prospective house, a home. It wasn’t long before I felt the need to put my foot down.

‘The bottom-line Bob, is the Trust retains the freehold permanently, we like The Grange, will pay for the upkeep of the structure and any interior work that brings it back closer to the original, but all that costs! We shall no longer donate to the charity; we’ll as likely as not be your landlord initially. Charlie will no longer participate as a Trust representative but as a private individual, whatever she donates will come from her own savings. The area for negotiation is the level of rent, followed later by the possible cost of a lease. Remember, the move itself is going to cost you, you also don’t know if the move will bring you more or less donations. There is the question of how much you personally wish to commit, versus the benefit of holding off till after your time when Charlie will have considerable discretion over negotiating a long lease if both sides are still happy.’

The temperature seemed to have been falling as I made my pitch, almost as if a draft had caused the pantry door to slowly open.

‘The answer Robert old boy, is to give the real, current, accounts to Charlie to show to the Trust’s accountant, Lawrence Brinkley of Brinkley Associates.’ The voice came from Kenneth, silhouetted in the doorway, for all the world like the ghost of Duncan.

‘My God! Kenneth Murchison, I thought you were dead!’ Cried the captain.

97: The Trumpton Interviews (part one)

‘News travels fast around here,’ is a firm belief amongst most club members. But in reality, it only travels fast when they want it to, so I mused, whilst lounging there one day. As if to confirm my thought, or pre-cognition if you believe in such things, I was interrupted in my reverie by Carrie, and where Carrie goes, Buffy is never far behind. ‘What ho, stranger!’ I declared.

‘Has the blighter come out yet?’

‘Whom? And from where, pray?’

‘Buffy, from having one of his secret recording sessions with Don.’

‘Oh! I see now. I’d somehow got it into my head these must be two hour long, live interrogations.’

‘No, no, Tony. Everything needs very skilful editing. It’s a series of off-the-cuff, lifting-the-lid on the secrets of government thing. But revelations that have been, well, spun to come out right. And passed by the lawyers before broadcast too. By the way, either Buffy or Don may approach you for access and permissions, to use the visuals everyone knows you’ve got, but very few have seen.’ Then she winked!

‘To be in their turn appropriately edited no doubt?’

‘Well, not unlike yourself, with Carry on Prime Minister. But of course, to give a rather different take on affairs.’

‘My cooperation will come at a price.’

‘Doesn’t it always darling!’

‘For once I’ll have to think, what can Buffy do for me? So, you’ve been holed-up at the cottage all this time?’

‘And been being constantly instructed by Buffy to creep across the parkland to get here, before entering by the rear.’

‘Is he really homeless without you?’

‘It’s either stay with me, or at that dump of a flat in his constituency. It’s the only real bargaining chip I have... Between you and me I really can’t see our relationship surviving much longer.’

‘It had a large element of convenience in the first place.’

‘You can say that again. He still thinks he can take a lot of people for granted, I’d say you’re the man to take him down a peg or two, Tony.’

‘I’ll see what can be arranged!’

‘How’s Charlotte?’

‘Growing ever more powerful by the day.’

‘Oh, well that’s good, no chance of you getting bored then.’

Then we were interrupted; ‘Ah! There you are Anthony; I was hoping for a word.’

‘Buffy.’

‘Yes, er, now then, we must consult, we have many matters of mutual interest now.’

‘We do?’

‘I have the ear of government, you with your extensive interests in property and business must surely be in need of a friendly ear?’

‘Isn’t there some rule against that sort of thing these days?’

‘It’s a code, its not mandatory, ministers and prime ministers decide. Constitutionally, it’s none of parliament’s business.’

‘Are you angling for a job? Money worries? It can’t be Carrie, she’s hardly high maintenance, quite the reverse from what I hear.’

‘I’ll leave you two, to it.’ She said, I could see she was on the verge of cracking-up.

‘One is never short of offers after high office.’ Buffy continued, oblivious.

‘Really? Surely after your pre-recorded candour about life behind closed doors, people will worry about how sound you really are?’

‘Oh! Don’t give me that old fashioned civil service guff. The reality of politics and civil servants is very different today, and there are many openings in the private sector. And besides, after wider exploitation by Don, money won’t be an immediate problem. Listen, we need to talk seriously about the broader political message I’m sending out, developing on your ideas as it happens, whispered into Rory’s suggestable ear. Quite insightful really.’

‘And you need some statesman-like video to illustrate the podcasts.’

‘Let me buy you lunch.’

‘Can’t be done today I’m afraid, I’m already lunching my solicitor.’

‘I never had you down as a football fan.’ I chided Bernard over pre-lunch drinks in the bar.

‘How the devil?’

‘Or perhaps you were just networking, taking advantage of the corporate hospitality. Times have changed, I always think of our local clubs as permanently occupying the lower half of League Division Four, as was. And Merriweather and Stollard billboards all around the ground, still I suppose you must know what you’re doing.’

‘Everyone needs a solicitor, especially these days. Who told you?’

‘Not who, but what. You really should think these things through, or read the paperwork that passes over your desk. We sold our facial recognition security software to the football club. The police wanted them to be compatible. But it is of course the same system that clocks you whenever you’re in the old bank. I got an automatic alert, as the responsible person for security at the Trust. My system thought you might be an interloper!’

Bernard had recovered himself by the time we were seated; ‘Well now, this is an unexpected pleasure. A free lunch from you I mean. Do you have something for me, or do you need to confess something? Come along, good news or bad? Spit it out before I order, otherwise I won’t know how expensive to make it for you.’

‘Oh, just a bit of a story to tell. After your rejection of my approach regarding the railway land, I felt duty bound to hand over the property deeds to the executor and his solicitors, for the collecting of items in the estate of Mary Tufnell. I may have no influence now alas, my entitlement is to possessions, not property after all. Ah well. Do order, whatever!’

‘Yes. Thank you. Who are the solicitors?’

‘Periwinkle and Blythe.’

‘What! Are you mad? You’ve heard me talk about them for decades. Blythe is bent.’

‘A strange choice of word coming from you!’

‘As in crooked, as in sailing too close to illegality. I want you to know I regard this as an act of personal disloyalty.’

‘The Tufnell family have always used your chief rivals.’

‘The only reason they are rivals at all, is that they cut corners; damn it I have a file several inches thick on Blythe alone. You know what he’ll do, insist on a particular surveyor going to all the properties, on bringing in an independent valuer, then clock-up who knows how many hours updating the land registry, all those purchases predate computerisation. And at the end of the day, the land will just appear in the estate accounts as of minimal value - abandoned brown field sites with no permissions - taking years to sell, yet the costs, will be astronomical! I imagine your friends will feel as aggrieved about you as I do. Send them to me when all this happens, if I could only get sworn affidavits, I’d be able to kick Blythe into the street once and for all...’

‘How much do you want Blythe?’

‘A lot!’ Then I could see a light come on. ‘Oh! You bastard.’

‘Well.’ I said, turning my palms up in a submissive gesture.

‘And most of this has happened already I suppose?’

‘They met alone with Blythe, he barely mentioned costs, they’re writing their statements as we speak, I’ve arranged an appointment for the aggrieved couple to have an hour of your time, at my expense, in a couple of days. After you’ve explained what you can do for them, you’ll be obliged to tell them it may take some time, at which point you say you are in a position to make an offer on my behalf.’

‘And?’

‘In the spirit of Mary’s Will, the Trust will take all the properties off their hands for half their value, but we will also pay the entire costs. Cash in hand, now. Mr Tufnell junior may look a little affronted at this, but his wife will say something like; “Don’t make a fuss darling, Tony has just saved your arse, again”. I’ll be at the end of a telephone line if you need me.’

‘Done. Not only is it worth it to see the humiliation of Blythe, but it will put more business in the hands of Merriweather and Stollard for years to come. But, I mean, Tony! I just don’t see why you’re so determined to acquire the land?’

‘There are two old avoiding routes for the coast line, both of which we can delay and make horrendously expensive, but at the same time, we, that is other members of what I should perhaps start thinking of as a consortium, can offer to buy outright, from a debt-ridden government, a loss-making railway line, or two.’

‘It’s steaming apple pie with ice cream day, today, isn’t it?’

84: Swingin' royals at the jubilee dinner dance

‘How on earth do you imagine this is going to happen?’

‘It will happen because all those involved, will want it to happen.’

‘You can’t possibly know that!’ Asserted Charlie, as she guided us towards an unofficial lunchtime cafe conference with Archie Layton at his favourite coffee chain in our great cathedral city.

‘Buffy will relish an opportunity to hob-nob with the younger royals and hence will oil the wheels, your handler and the whole security crew will see it as an easy evening’s overtime, they’re already familiar with the set-up, so too the Chief Constable, a feather in her cap.’

Archie seemed to find the whole idea hilarious as I made my pitch. I ended with what I thought was the clincher; ‘So the date, will simply be whichever day the Palace has already pencilled-in for the Duke and Duchess to do the west country.’

Then the Banker put on his serious, ‘do something about your overdraft’, face. ‘There are a couple things you can’t be expected to know, Tony. One, although you’re right they’d have no problem with the knees-up, and I’ll be happy to put in a word, it’s just they’re also deeply serious people, they need good reasons to be there, worthy causes and all that.’

‘But they’ll have been doing that all day!’

‘You don’t quite get it, you need to have good, worthy reasons to justify their presence.’

‘Someone needs to cut the ribbon on the new spa facility, and someone needs to punch the first ticket on the minibus, part of our, don’t drink and drive campaign!’

‘Try harder. What issue have they made their own? Think, I mean, say having delivered your drunken revellers back to town, what do we notice when wandering the streets at night? Do we not have with us today, the leading light of the night shelter committee, the very same person with the inside track to our nation’s leading scandal sheet. After all, HRH learnt the art of the unofficial visit at his mother’s knee, did he not?’

‘Archie, it’s always an education talking to you, I think we could rise to the occasion don’t you Charlie?’

‘Sure, no worries.’ She said, looking positively thunderstruck.

‘The other thing Tony. The date, fixed in stone long ago, is in ten days time!’

‘Bloody hell!’ Said Charlie.

‘Should be a piece of cake for someone with Tony’s resources. I’ll speak to the Duchess tonight. No one but the principals in the know mind you, even on the night it must just be rumours of the PM bringing a guest of honour, okay? I’m afraid you’ll have to put-up with my presence, they’ll need a translator to explain what you lot are all about! Ha!’

In truth, I didn’t start feeling the nerves until we were getting dressed on the afternoon of the day itself, me in black tie and Charlotte in a, just covering the knee, dress magic-ked from her new wardrobe. ‘So, full dress rehearsal on the wooden floor of the treatment room then.’

I chose my recording of the Miller Band playing, In The Mood; ‘I don’t imagine they’ll play it, but it’s three false endings before...’

‘See? The full twirl and it doesn’t show my knickers!’

‘Good. The jitterbug was a good ten years away.’

Practice having restored my confidence; everything went like a dream. We put our trust in Archie and took our cues from him. Charlie ended-up leading the Duchess through the new spa. When she returned, she said; ‘We’re on, the whole works, and apparently the Duke has expressed a desire to actually drive the minibus into town!’

‘I’ll speak to the Chief Constable!’

When I did, she didn’t like it; ‘Does he know what he’s doing?’ She liked it even less when I explained that the man who had driven it all the way from Birmingham was sat at the bar at that very moment and could no doubt provide instruction.

‘Jack! He’s a crook!’

‘But he fills your officer’s tanks.’

‘You, I... Oh, very well. But you get him out of the bar, this has to be private.’

As soon as the royal couple took to the dance floor, mobile devices began to appear in earnest. ‘Someone is bound to leak it immediately.’ Said Charlie.

‘Yes, it may hit some media websites, but too late for the print editions. Only the Don is holding the front page and the whole point is to place a picture of them dancing next to one you take later at the shelter.’

‘This whole shebang should do your reputation no harm at all Anthony, must be costing you a fortune though.’

‘Well, call it an investment Prime Minister.’

‘All our futures rest on them, you know.’

‘So, one would imagine.’

‘Shame they’re so, well, liberal.’

‘They can afford to be.’

And a moment or two later, another voice from the past. ‘Well, congratulations Tony. I take my hat off, again. Must have taken a bit of organising, even for you. And the band! Gracious, they make the entire club look young!’ So spoke Daphne.

‘And the night is still young too.’

In the end the convoy that headed back to town and the waterfront, consisted of a patrol car in front, then the minibus with Charlie, the VIPs and various hangers-on, with me behind in the new car giving Jack a ride, and finally a police van behind us.

‘Our Chief Constable really should learn how to get more fun out of life.’ Said Jack.

‘It was shear vanity and self-interest that made her swallow her pride and rope you in.’

‘You know, if you really want the edge, you should ask your new friend Henry “never plead guilty” Walpole, about her.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. Walpole remembers cross-examining her over her notebook, at her first appearance down the Bailey when she was a young WPC with the Met.’

‘Good lord! It never ceases to amaze me how well connected you are.’

‘How’s your extra computer working?’

‘Let’s find out!’ I said, pressing a button on the dash.

‘Nothing’s happening.’

‘We still have to wait for her to pick up.’

After a second or two; ‘Is that singing?!’ Exclaimed Jack.

Then, after a further short pause, Charlie went to speaker; ‘We’re all goin’ on a summer holiday, No more workin’ for a week or two, Fun and laughter on a summer holiday...’

‘That’s a bit ancient, even for them, surely?’ Said Jack.

‘Didn’t his mother play tennis with Cliff, or am I thinking of someone else?’

Then, to cap it all we heard; ‘The young ones, Darling, we’re the young ones, And the young ones, Shouldn’t be afraid...’

We ended-up, in conversation over hot chocolate at the shelter’s canteen; ‘I’m afraid sir, your dancing has leaked.’ I turned my mobile screen towards the VIPs. There were groans of disappointment and disapproval. ‘However, Charlie here has the means for instant rebuttal, should you care to take the advantage.’

‘Explain, if you would Tony.’ Interceded Archie.

‘Here on Charlie’s work mobile is a nicer dancing picture, plus one taken a few minutes ago, but with the client’s backs to camera, now Don Wooley of The Beacon, club member, is one of Charlie’s biggest fans and I took the precaution of asking him to hold the front page of the print edition, he can guarantee both pics appear side by side. It’s a bit tight, but you’ve a good ten minutes to decide.’

‘He’s published your pictures before hasn’t he Charlotte?’ Said Archie.

‘Yes, pictures from the summit, and the Crimean gold of course, always good about attribution and fees, but you’d know that ma’am, with your family pictures.’

‘Yes, yes. What do you think darling?’ The Duke turned and looked at the last flunkey still on his feet. There was an almost imperceptible nod.

‘Today was the best day.’ Charlie said later. Then added; ‘That other media outlet, the one that leaked, they’re the Don’s principal rival. That’s the give away you know, too clever by half you, always pushing it, I suppose you even said to Cat, something slightly gaudy, slightly tasteless.’

‘Am I that transparent?’

‘Only after the event, not the least predictable. Thank goodness.’

81: The fall and rise

Good Friday found us at Checkley Manor as usual. ‘Does anyone remember the old-style fun fairs?’ I said to the kitchen table at large. ‘How they always had a shooting gallery, you could shoot down figures one at a time in a long line...’

‘And!’ Said Uncle.

‘Buffy’s happy few, his band of brothers are falling at an ever-increasing rate. And yet, new figures keep appearing as if by magic.’

‘Are you going to do anything about Tuffy’s attempt to blackball him from the club?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Ah, thank you for reminding me.’

Later, when alone in the grounds I put in a call to Cat. ‘Er, actually old man, Tuffy’s complaint is in the pending tray for the time being; fact is, Buffy’s membership is currently lapsed.’

‘Explain.’

‘Well, you know how membership renewal depends on the receipt of fees and the clearing of your account, well Buffy has stood a lot of bar bills in the last year, he’s been sent a reminder and all that, but he has slipped over the renewal date.’

‘I see. I think I might just drop a hint to Carrie.’

‘Might be as well, apparently, they’ll be at the cottage this weekend, bit embarrassing if she has to sign him in! Also, you might care to explain to Tuffy that under our rulebook you can only expel someone for behaviour whilst at the club, and that doesn’t include when the premises are being used for other purposes.’

‘Cat?’

‘Tony, old son.’

‘You couldn’t do me a quick favour, check bookings for the ballroom and if it’s free on Easter Monday, book it out to me for the whole day.’

‘Carrie!’

‘Ah, Tony. The voice of sanity.’

‘Bless you. Er, sorry to do this, bit embarrassing really...’

‘I doubt it, not when viewed from Downing Street.’

‘Yes, quite, the fact is, Buffy’s membership of the club has lapsed, failure to pay fees and settle his account.’

‘Shit! I told him, when I renewed. Hang on.’

For once she forgot to press mute; ‘I’m not bloody made of money! Tell him the cheque is in the post.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes!’

‘Will it bounce?’

Then, after a long pause; ‘Tony?’

‘Carrie.’

‘He says there is a cheque in the post.’

‘Tell him, if he plans on visiting, make it Monday, but you may have to sign him in if the money hasn’t arrived.’

‘Very well, and Tony, I haven’t forgotten you were the one who persuaded me to return to the blighter.’

‘Running out on us again!’ So said Uncle when I announced our intention of leaving a few hours early.

‘Well only by half a day.’

‘All the same, what progress in the vines?’

‘I’ve brought you up to date with the pruning and tying.’

‘And what moves in the woods Charlotte?’

‘Your new eastern European hiring is a lot further on with the charcoal burners, than he is with his comprehension of English!’

On arrival at the Park, I took a direct line to the office, there to commune with the club secretary. ‘The ballroom is all yours, the PM’s debts got paid by money transfer late Friday, from some unrecognisable company account at a bank on Grand Cayman, and the man himself is working the room, the lounge that is, at this very moment.’

‘Excellent!’ I replied, exiting immediately towards the veranda bar, that being the best vantage point from which to observe Buffy’s progress. Much to my surprise, I found Bernard and Brinkley propping up the bar, in the company of Henry Walpole no less. ‘I say, what ho, Walpole! You know it’s a complete waste of time touting for briefs from Bernard, he likes to do his own advocacy.’

‘You forget Anthony, I’ve been put out to grass, by my wife.’

‘Yes of course, must be a bit of a wrench at times. And the two of you, a rare sighting indeed.’

‘Well, we are semi-retired Tony, Lawrence and I are entitled to our occasional indulgences. And as Walpole was saying, it’s always worth taking a look at the locus in quo.’

‘Something my old pupil master used to say.’

‘You should be swapping old anecdotes about Sparkwell QC, Charlotte’s daddy. Bernard’s suffered at his hands too!’

‘What brings you here Tony?’ Asserted Bernard.

‘Oh, just on our way back from my uncle’s place.’

‘Here to keep an eye on our esteemed Prime Minister?’ Suggested Brinkley.

‘Yes, alright then. Talking of which, would you excuse me a moment?’

‘How are you Prime Minister?’

‘Ah! Anthony. Under savage pressure as it happens.’

‘Ah, yes. Playing the international statesman, the war leader in waiting. Must take it out of you, but goes down well with the voters no doubt.’

‘I trust you’re not here to gloat?’

‘By no means. Indeed, I’m here to offer you what I just know you will find an amusing diversion from the cost-of-living crisis.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘A short commemorative video of your previous visits.’

‘What!’ A micro expression of alarm crossed his face.

‘If you and Carrie would care to step this way, I’ve arranged a little private viewing in the ballroom.’

I whispered to Charlie, to ask her former handler come mentor from the security detail to lock us in, from the outside, and after a moment or two’s chat, he did!

‘What’s going on? Where’s my protection gone?’

‘I thought the four of us might appreciate a little privacy.’

The large screen worked remarkably well, despite the variable quality of the images in Carry-On Prime Minister. It also benefited from a little program I’d acquired for the removal of layers of ambient noise from audio recordings. Our little half hour movie featured sequences all the way from Buffy’s first landing on what was now the eighteenth green, to his post-run Haka!

When it finally came to an end there was a long silence before Buffy spoke; ‘Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to deliver a threat. Notice how he saves your blushes Charlie; you’re just simply portrayed as the innocent waitress. The editing is outrageous, talk about hashtag - context collapse!’ He then buried his face in his hands for about a count of ten, before asserting; ‘So, who apart from us has seen this?’

‘Only my co-producer Barmy, and my co-owner the Earl.’

‘You sure about that?’

‘Oh, yes. And of course, it can stay that way.’

‘I can burn you, as much as you can burn me.’

‘Well, no not really.’

‘What?’

‘All I have to do is send a copy of this to the media. You on the other hand have had two and a half years to fatten your dossier on me, and got nowhere.’

‘You can’t possibly know that.’

‘True, but what I can know with one hundred percent certainty, is that I never do anything, only the Trust does things, and it was entirely reconstituted before the summit. You, are up against a legal brick wall.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Full implementation of the Flotterton Manifesto.’

‘What?’

‘Everything outlined in Rory’s speech.’

‘I know what you bloody meant! That speech you wrote for him was pure fantasy.’

‘I didn’t write a word. I admit I was present when Rory, relaxing in the lounge after a massage from Charlie, came up with his ideas whilst staring deep into the log fire. Besides it doesn’t have to be practical. It merely has to inspire, create the right direction of travel. Oh, and one other small thing. A safe seat for Frimley Coates. After all, in fifteen years or so, he’d be your natural successor.’

‘Aren’t you forgetting something Tony?’ Chipped in Carrie; ‘All the other people who have him by the short and curly what’s it’s!’

‘Am I Buffy?’

There was another pregnant pause, filled only by Charlie asking innocently; ‘How did all this arch enemy stuff start anyway?’

‘It all goes back to the Scripture Knowledge Prize. I noticed just the other day that you’d claimed to have won it, again.’

‘But I did!’

‘Over the heads of better men, by the most brazen swindling methods, “breath-taking impertinence” - weren’t those the headmaster’s words?’

‘Something of the sort, can’t say I remember precisely.’

‘No, they say psychopaths don’t remember pain. But what I do remember was that the Head went on to give a speech bemoaning the passing of corporal punishment, and his inability to tenderise your arse.’

Then Buffy began to laugh. A moment later he said, smiling; ‘Anthony, you are a one-man walking nudge unit.’

‘Well thank you, you’re too kind, Prime Minister.’

‘I don’t buy it.’ So said Charlie as we were crossing the carpark.

‘Just as well, cos’ it ain’t for sale!’

‘What went down back there? You had him on the rocks, yet he walked away with a spring in his step.’

‘I showed him a way out, not just from me, but from everyone else gunning for him. It’s the game Charlie, the motivation is in the thrill of getting away with it.’

71: The speech

Charlotte stood over my right shoulder, reading her tablet. ‘I don’t get it. None of this makes sense.’

‘Well, you know Rory...’

‘Yes, I get why he’d need a speech written for him.’

‘Not written, spoken, foretold if you like, at a time when he was highly suggestable.’

‘Yes. I get why words like these might be spoken by a right-wing MP. I just don’t see why he should go up against the PM. He’ll just draw attention to himself, I mean if anyone challenges him, he’ll fall apart in five seconds.’

‘Ah, but he’s under pressure to get on, from you know who.’

‘But if the PM prompted you, to get Rory to attack him, Rory won’t be going anywhere.’

‘Oh, I don’t know.’

‘So, what is the plan?’

‘Well Buffy just thinks it’s better PR to be seen to be pressured by others into doing the right thing, than suggesting it himself. Odd I know, something about the parliamentary party asserting itself, feeling it is really in charge, which of course it’s not.’

‘I can’t pretend to get all that, but what’s in it for us?’

‘Favoured status for the Park, a cooperative - if not particularly friendly - Chief Constable. All sorts of things that oil the wheels.’

‘Some people will notice these are not Rory’s words, and some of this is a blatant give away, “I won my seat by taking on the retired commissars of the metropolitan left who litter the English Riviera”. Quite a few people know that’s the sort of thing you’d say when taking the piss! And what of; “For you can only put the Great back into Great Britain, tackle the mountain of debt, and make us a going concern again with high and sustained economic growth. The Prime Minister has already spent all we can afford on the pandemic and stimulus packages for the North, the so-called Red Wall. The rest must come from becoming a low tax, low spend economy again. Yet as traditionalists it is our duty to maintain the military, the police and our security forces. Now the PM may not permit the word austerity to pass his lips, in this he is correct, for shaving budgets here and there for a few years will never be enough. The only way out is to cut absolutely the bloated and unnecessary state apparatus, the mindless bureaucracy which has grown around us all over the last fifty years. But, unlike entrepreneurial led growth, cutting the state is not a bottom-up process, quite the reverse.” The Beacon doesn’t normally reprint political speeches like this.’

‘Quite!’

‘Now this is just plain silly; “Number Ten must lead by example, the very cabinet table of which we are so proud, only comfortably sits eleven or twelve minsters, plus the Prime Minister himself and the Cabinet Secretary, there to record the minutes. With a reduction in ministries, there would be the chance of real cabinet government, again. Such was the situation the last time this country could call itself great. Now, we have a Cabinet Office employing a staggering eight thousand people.” This is the new Victorians thing I suppose?’

‘Absolutely, sounds a bit mad when Rory says it, but seen in cold print...’

‘And what about; “A Colonial Office of a few hundred administered an empire, now the same number hand out aid we can ill afford, for projects where we never discover whether they worked or not.” Is that true?’

‘It’s what the tabloid press believes to be true.’

‘Blimey, “a policy of intervention in the affairs of others is an outrageous foreign policy, hugely expense and merely encourages antipathy towards the West. I say trade, not aid.” There’s more, “the NHS has become a monster out of control, creating endless demand, as the population gets ever unhealthier. How wrong, Bevan and the men from the ministry were, to believe that the real cost of the NHS would fall over time as less people got ill.” Was that true?’

‘Oh, yes!’

‘I’ve had enough of this; we must get back to the garden.’

‘Is that your considered political position or a practical suggestion?’

‘Shut, up.’

‘Hang-on a second, does he get a mention in the editorial?’

‘Oh, yes. “A rare true-blue speech from the unknown MP who is only recorded as having spoken twice in the House of Commons. Perhaps he should assert himself more often for he goes straight to the heart of issues long championed by this paper.” A ringing endorsement then.’

Later that day I took a call; ‘I have the Prime Minister for you.’

‘Carrie!’

‘He’s using me as a bloody secretary now.’

‘You should get out more.’

‘Tell me about it, darling! It’s all right for him, he’s always out and about. Although, I rather think he wishes I could do a Charlotte and transform myself into a valette, when required.’

There was a sudden pause. Then Buffy came on the line. ‘Anthony! Just to say, marvellous job regarding young Rory, just the right tone, makes me sound like a sober minded judge. Ha! We can take it from here.’

‘But what will become of him?’

‘Well, he can’t very well accept a ministerial job now, after saying all he did about making cutbacks, can he? No, Chair of the parliamentary Whitehall watchdog committee should suit.’

The following week, Prudence approached me at the club. ‘Wasn’t he wonderful Tony? And I’ll let you in on a secret, it was all his own words, I had no involvement at all! I didn’t even see the script. What about that. You never believed it possible he could be his own man. As chair of this committee, he can call anyone to account, any minister, even Buffy himself. He is a force to be reckoned with. Now he’s being talked of as a future leader of the party.’

She seemed proud of her man, in a deeply unfashionable way. Feeling that perhaps life was getting just a tad too easy, I headed for the bar in search of a stiff drink.

‘Tony!’

‘Don! You’re spending a lot of time in this next of the woods, for one who’s meant to be a columnist for our leading national paper.’

‘I’ve been sent by my editor. He said; “You’ve got the connections, go be a reporter, find out about this MP who’s making the headlines.” Hoisted by my own petard. Having built Rory up at your request, now I’m being asked to knock him down.’

‘So, we are forced to ask, from whom does your editor take his orders?’

‘Better not to ask. Rather, why is it, that whenever I ask questions in this place the answers always seem to lead back to you! Or rather, you and your sidekick. Yet it also seems I’m in your debt, I hadn’t realised it was your recommendation that got me in here.’

‘We’re more than happy to have you.’

‘Rory is a chump. You contrived to get him elected, seemingly as a favour to his wife. As a consequence, this place, in which you have a financial stake, becomes a hive of political activity following on from the new MP’s support for the nation’s most notorious politician who in short order becomes the next PM. Now, I can’t write all that up, because it’s all too far fetched even for our readers.’

‘But you can’t go home empty handed. What you need is a nice little human-interest story about the life and loves of a chump, perhaps with a few choice anecdotes from an old school chum.’

‘Let me buy you lunch.’

‘I thought you’d never ask.’