‘News travels fast around here,’ is a firm belief amongst most club members. But in reality, it only travels fast when they want it to, so I mused, whilst lounging there one day. As if to confirm my thought, or pre-cognition if you believe in such things, I was interrupted in my reverie by Carrie, and where Carrie goes, Buffy is never far behind. ‘What ho, stranger!’ I declared.
‘Has the blighter come out yet?’
‘Whom? And from where, pray?’
‘Buffy, from having one of his secret recording sessions with Don.’
‘Oh! I see now. I’d somehow got it into my head these must be two hour long, live interrogations.’
‘No, no, Tony. Everything needs very skilful editing. It’s a series of off-the-cuff, lifting-the-lid on the secrets of government thing. But revelations that have been, well, spun to come out right. And passed by the lawyers before broadcast too. By the way, either Buffy or Don may approach you for access and permissions, to use the visuals everyone knows you’ve got, but very few have seen.’ Then she winked!
‘To be in their turn appropriately edited no doubt?’
‘Well, not unlike yourself, with Carry on Prime Minister. But of course, to give a rather different take on affairs.’
‘My cooperation will come at a price.’
‘Doesn’t it always darling!’
‘For once I’ll have to think, what can Buffy do for me? So, you’ve been holed-up at the cottage all this time?’
‘And been being constantly instructed by Buffy to creep across the parkland to get here, before entering by the rear.’
‘Is he really homeless without you?’
‘It’s either stay with me, or at that dump of a flat in his constituency. It’s the only real bargaining chip I have... Between you and me I really can’t see our relationship surviving much longer.’
‘It had a large element of convenience in the first place.’
‘You can say that again. He still thinks he can take a lot of people for granted, I’d say you’re the man to take him down a peg or two, Tony.’
‘I’ll see what can be arranged!’
‘How’s Charlotte?’
‘Growing ever more powerful by the day.’
‘Oh, well that’s good, no chance of you getting bored then.’
Then we were interrupted; ‘Ah! There you are Anthony; I was hoping for a word.’
‘Buffy.’
‘Yes, er, now then, we must consult, we have many matters of mutual interest now.’
‘We do?’
‘I have the ear of government, you with your extensive interests in property and business must surely be in need of a friendly ear?’
‘Isn’t there some rule against that sort of thing these days?’
‘It’s a code, its not mandatory, ministers and prime ministers decide. Constitutionally, it’s none of parliament’s business.’
‘Are you angling for a job? Money worries? It can’t be Carrie, she’s hardly high maintenance, quite the reverse from what I hear.’
‘I’ll leave you two, to it.’ She said, I could see she was on the verge of cracking-up.
‘One is never short of offers after high office.’ Buffy continued, oblivious.
‘Really? Surely after your pre-recorded candour about life behind closed doors, people will worry about how sound you really are?’
‘Oh! Don’t give me that old fashioned civil service guff. The reality of politics and civil servants is very different today, and there are many openings in the private sector. And besides, after wider exploitation by Don, money won’t be an immediate problem. Listen, we need to talk seriously about the broader political message I’m sending out, developing on your ideas as it happens, whispered into Rory’s suggestable ear. Quite insightful really.’
‘And you need some statesman-like video to illustrate the podcasts.’
‘Let me buy you lunch.’
‘Can’t be done today I’m afraid, I’m already lunching my solicitor.’
‘I never had you down as a football fan.’ I chided Bernard over pre-lunch drinks in the bar.
‘How the devil?’
‘Or perhaps you were just networking, taking advantage of the corporate hospitality. Times have changed, I always think of our local clubs as permanently occupying the lower half of League Division Four, as was. And Merriweather and Stollard billboards all around the ground, still I suppose you must know what you’re doing.’
‘Everyone needs a solicitor, especially these days. Who told you?’
‘Not who, but what. You really should think these things through, or read the paperwork that passes over your desk. We sold our facial recognition security software to the football club. The police wanted them to be compatible. But it is of course the same system that clocks you whenever you’re in the old bank. I got an automatic alert, as the responsible person for security at the Trust. My system thought you might be an interloper!’
Bernard had recovered himself by the time we were seated; ‘Well now, this is an unexpected pleasure. A free lunch from you I mean. Do you have something for me, or do you need to confess something? Come along, good news or bad? Spit it out before I order, otherwise I won’t know how expensive to make it for you.’
‘Oh, just a bit of a story to tell. After your rejection of my approach regarding the railway land, I felt duty bound to hand over the property deeds to the executor and his solicitors, for the collecting of items in the estate of Mary Tufnell. I may have no influence now alas, my entitlement is to possessions, not property after all. Ah well. Do order, whatever!’
‘Yes. Thank you. Who are the solicitors?’
‘Periwinkle and Blythe.’
‘What! Are you mad? You’ve heard me talk about them for decades. Blythe is bent.’
‘A strange choice of word coming from you!’
‘As in crooked, as in sailing too close to illegality. I want you to know I regard this as an act of personal disloyalty.’
‘The Tufnell family have always used your chief rivals.’
‘The only reason they are rivals at all, is that they cut corners; damn it I have a file several inches thick on Blythe alone. You know what he’ll do, insist on a particular surveyor going to all the properties, on bringing in an independent valuer, then clock-up who knows how many hours updating the land registry, all those purchases predate computerisation. And at the end of the day, the land will just appear in the estate accounts as of minimal value - abandoned brown field sites with no permissions - taking years to sell, yet the costs, will be astronomical! I imagine your friends will feel as aggrieved about you as I do. Send them to me when all this happens, if I could only get sworn affidavits, I’d be able to kick Blythe into the street once and for all...’
‘How much do you want Blythe?’
‘A lot!’ Then I could see a light come on. ‘Oh! You bastard.’
‘Well.’ I said, turning my palms up in a submissive gesture.
‘And most of this has happened already I suppose?’
‘They met alone with Blythe, he barely mentioned costs, they’re writing their statements as we speak, I’ve arranged an appointment for the aggrieved couple to have an hour of your time, at my expense, in a couple of days. After you’ve explained what you can do for them, you’ll be obliged to tell them it may take some time, at which point you say you are in a position to make an offer on my behalf.’
‘And?’
‘In the spirit of Mary’s Will, the Trust will take all the properties off their hands for half their value, but we will also pay the entire costs. Cash in hand, now. Mr Tufnell junior may look a little affronted at this, but his wife will say something like; “Don’t make a fuss darling, Tony has just saved your arse, again”. I’ll be at the end of a telephone line if you need me.’
‘Done. Not only is it worth it to see the humiliation of Blythe, but it will put more business in the hands of Merriweather and Stollard for years to come. But, I mean, Tony! I just don’t see why you’re so determined to acquire the land?’
‘There are two old avoiding routes for the coast line, both of which we can delay and make horrendously expensive, but at the same time, we, that is other members of what I should perhaps start thinking of as a consortium, can offer to buy outright, from a debt-ridden government, a loss-making railway line, or two.’
‘It’s steaming apple pie with ice cream day, today, isn’t it?’
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