124: Winners and losers

‘That’s not a good look, is it?’ Said the first of the election commentators sat at the club bar with their necks craned towards the tv.

‘Rain pissing down and can’t even get the police to stop the idiot with the ghetto blaster!’ Said a second.

‘I hear Mackintosh isn’t even running a book, local or national.’ Replied the first.

‘But they’re under starters orders!’ Opined the second.

‘The game is on.’ Asserted the first.

‘The phrase is Shakespeare’s, it’s; “The game’s afoot”, Henry V.’ I helpfully interrupted.

‘What ho, Antonio! Mackintosh unwell, is he?’ Enquired the second.

‘No, he just thinks, like most people, that the outcome is a foregone conclusion.’

‘But people will bet on anything. Even the number of bricks in a cell.’ Mumbled a third.

‘You might have tipped us the wink on the date Tony.’ Said the first.

‘I’ve no inside track since the demise of Buffy I’m afraid.’

I find the banality of conversation at the club quite reassuring at times. And it often gives one a surprising feeling of superiority. However, I felt a slight inner anxiety about the election result. Always the unexpected, the unpredictable. ‘Events dear boy, events’ I thought to myself.

A few weeks into, what seemed an interminable campaign, Charlie declared; ‘Blimey! A text from Buffy, “see link”, what on earth? Perhaps I should change my number?’

‘Probably his timely intervention.’

‘What?’

‘I received an email earlier linking to a pre-publication article for The Beacon.’

‘But why?’

‘Well, Buffy needs to show loyalty to the party at least, whatever he thinks of the Head Boy.’

‘I meant, why include me?’

‘He’s a fan, hoping for your support. He’s never not campaigning. You know, when we last met a year ago, he was raving about Rory’s disloyalty, saying I could have him back now, and the same applied to Carrie. He suggested a swap, you for Carrie.’

‘Jesus! What a creep. What did you say?’

‘Unfortunately, that’s his idea of witty banter amongst the boys. I was angry and just said something like “ha, ha, very funny”, and left.’

‘That was the day he lost the dog, wasn’t it? Was he found?’

‘Oh, yes. Just in the wrong bedroom, trying to hump an antique armoire!

The bottom dropped off one of Charlie’s treats as she was dunking it in her extra strength, stay awake all night, coffee. The tv having just announced the exit poll, giving the hitherto opposition, a handsome majority way beyond Buffy’s previous effort; ‘That’s unreal, isn’t it?’

‘Sure. But then leaving a D-day commemoration early is unreal.’

Then we settled in for the long haul of eccentric election night live broadcasting. Much of the amusement deriving from the need to fill so much ‘dead air’!

‘Well at least it’s more fun than the coronation!’ Charlie commented, referencing the last occasion upon which she’d countenanced a period of extended viewing. Then; ‘What’s “smart politics”?’

‘Haven’t a clue. Perhaps it involves “joined-up thinking”.’

A bit later I thought I heard someone on screen say; ‘The Greens will be holding the new government’s feet to the fire over global warming.’

At one point in the endless lull, a sudden thought occurred; ‘Oh! I meant to ask, how did it go with Melisa and Archie?’

‘She said it was nice not being treated like a child. He was very good, after he’d done all the ID stuff, he was quite up front about what he knew about the situation at the old bank and with her parents. He talked about how she needing personal financial independence plus an ability to protect her family’s assets. She said you’d said she should do a night school accountancy course. He agreed, but not just for the self-employed or individual businesses, but how banks, trusts, foundations and charities differ in their accountancy methods.’

‘Excellent.’

‘Then he said what I was thinking, the earlier you make a start on that stuff, the easier and less time consuming it will be.’

‘And maybe good news for you too, a lifelong financial supporter for your favourite charity perhaps?’

‘I know you can’t help it, but really!’

Then suddenly, out of the blue a tv voice said; ‘And now we can go over to the Riviera Conference Centre for the Bay area result.’ The chief returning officer and the commentators really need not have said anything, the faces on the stage said it all. Rory, looked lost and confused; Brenda deeply serious, wishing to appear errorless on tv. The result was almost an exact reversal from the last time. What had appeared a comfortable majority for Rory at the time, now handed to Brenda. Long may it last I said silently to myself.

We stayed watching until Buffy’s result came through, a much-reduced majority, but he’d survived to fight another day. It was now becoming clear that the predictions of the exit poll were to be realised. ‘So, what do we make of it all?’ Charlie asked as she switched off.

‘More public spending masquerading as liberalism, the country flushing more assets down the toilet.’

‘Buffy was always a joke; Rory was always a joke.’

‘We play the cards as they fall.’

‘So, what is your Brenda?’

‘She, is damage limitation.’

‘What’s the answer then?’

‘Economic growth. But what the politicians never seem to face up to is that public investment rarely leads to growth, whilst leaving money in the public’s hands, does!’

‘I’m going to bed.’

The following morning, what had started in rain, ended in rain.

A few days later I was loitering at the Park when I noticed Rory slumped in one of the easy chairs in the lounge. Being a prudent man, I went first in search of Prudence. I found her by the pond looking pensive. ‘I hope you’re not here to gloat?’ she said.

‘Merely to commiserate.’

‘As if you care.’

‘Care? For you and Rory, naturally. For a career in politics, not a jot.’

‘Rory has suffered reputational damage; he’ll not be selected again.’

‘Still, you have your fall-back employment lined-up I take it?’

‘I haven’t had time, I’ve been fighting Rory’s corner, alone!’

‘There is a limit you know, to how much you can mould someone. You might take a leaf out Lady Victoria’s book, regarding Tuffy Tufnell. Just find something for Rory to do that makes him feel useful.’

‘Is that your approach with Charlotte?’

‘Oh no, she’s a law unto herself, but then she is a going concern.’

‘Oh, just go away.’

‘Goodness, Rory! I hadn’t expected to see you here. I thought you’d be lying down in a darkened room somewhere.’

‘I was, until Prudence threatened to... Well let’s just say she was threatening.’

‘I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and that if you’re in need of a job, well, I understand our garden centre is looking for temporary summer staff.’ Then, after a moment I thought better of it; ‘Sorry, shouldn’t be facetious.’

‘I quite like flowers; they bring joy you know?’

‘Really.’

‘I might like running a flower shop, I could use my severance package. Though Prudence would never countenance it I suppose.’

‘I imagine not, but then you don’t have to do everything to please her. You could tell her to like it, or lump it.’

‘Oh, I don’t think I could ever do that.’

Then, thankfully, we were interrupted by the club secretary. ‘A quick word in your ear Tony, if I may?’

‘What’s going down?’

‘That’s what I was going to ask you! Fact is, well we’ve had a booking for conference facilities from Frimley and his Constitution Group again.’

‘Nothing wrong with that.’

‘No, no. It’s just, if we’re seen to accept his lot, then we can’t very well be seen to refuse the other lot, them being in government now.’

‘Quite right too. Have you had a request from the other lot?’

‘No, but it’s only a matter of time.’

‘What makes you say that?’

‘Well with growing power, comes a growing sense of entitlement.’

112: The candidate

‘Your mail, comrade.’ So said Charlie, shoving her silver salver closer than ever to my chin.

‘Ah! Another communication from the worker’s party I take it?’

‘According to the advertising on the back. One day they’ll tumble to you.’

‘Not if this is the goods news I’m hoping for.’ And after a second or two’s perusal; ‘Yes! I feel a song coming on: “Everything’s coming up roses, for me and my gal.” What?’

‘We’ve only just seen the back of Buffy!’

‘And a good job too, his advice to members of the club to quit trying to noble the opposition from within was all very well for the faint hearted, but we are made of sterner stuff.’

‘You’re not seriously suggesting Rory can save his seat?’

‘Oh no. And before you say it, this is actually us staying out of politics. We are moving on, making friends with the likely winner of the next parliamentary election, getting her and her supporters on board the first train on platform one!’

‘Her?’

‘Indeed, the new candidate is a former regional organiser in the NHS section of one of our nation’s largest trade unions. She, goes by the name, Brenda Radnor; and guess where she lives, I’ll give you a clue, a certain picturesque village one stop short of Morestead!’

‘But surely, she’d be much more likely to be leading the opposition to you!’

‘But she, let me tell you is old school, made her reputation negotiating deals for her aspiring members, she like I, thinks in terms of capital and labour. And you can’t have one without the other.’

‘Charlie! Oh, there you are. Fetch the two-seater, Prudence is demanding a crash meeting.’

‘Has she heard?’

‘Who can say.’

‘May I remind you, sir, for the umpteenth time, Prudence doesn’t like me.’

‘Yes, I appreciate that, but I need you there as a restraining influence. If she comes over all, dying duck in a thunderstorm again, I may have no alternative but to put the boot in!’

‘Tony, what am I to do? Where’s Charlotte?’

‘Behind the bar fixing drinks. Do about what?’

‘Nobody else does their own drinks.’

‘Force of habit, the staff don’t mind, they pick up tips on best practice. Your problem?’

‘The party are revolting.’

‘So, I always imagined.’

‘Rory only just scrapped re-selection, Brexiteers wanted him to step down, due to disloyalty to Buffy.’

‘How did he survive?’

‘Said he was the sitting MP who’d won two elections, they couldn’t force it, something in the rulebook.’

‘That’s happening in quite a few seats I understand, the voters may agree.’

‘Everyone thinks Rory’s a loser now.’

‘He almost certainly will be if he says Buffy was right, but a wrong’un. How you imagine I can help you; I don’t know. Twice my advice was correct, and you’ve ignored it.’

‘But you said he’d lose, that’s why Rory went on the attack.’

‘I said he should stay loyal to Buffy, be the game and gallant loser, fight another day. If the party go down to a crushing defeat, the proportion of Brexiteers amongst the remaining dregs may actually increase, Buffy could well be back.’

‘What!’

‘Coffee all.’ Said Charlie as she took her seat.

‘We’re finished, it’s the end. You must have a fix, Tony!’

‘My loyalty is to the Trust, and their top priority is having cordial relations with whoever our member of parliament is. I’ve been swallowing my pride in maintaining relations with Buffy as it is.’

‘Do you want the opposition to win? This new woman is as left-wing as that over-sized, over-priced ice cream tub we faced last time.’

‘Old Left, not awoken. Trade unionist.’

‘How do you know?’

‘As I said, cordial relations.’

We fell into a long silence. ‘I believe in Rory, sometimes I think I’m the only one.’

‘Well...’ Charlie grabbed my knee, so I left the quip unspoken.

‘You’ve always been supportive Tony, why do you desert me now?’

‘Just because I’ve always cared for you, it doesn’t mean I always have an answer.’

‘Oh, really! Flirting with me in front of your girlfriend, whatever next.’ At which point she stood up, and promptly departed.

And when she’d gone, I thought aloud; ‘Why does she always remind me of Aunt Elisabeth?’

I few days later I left both Charlie and the car at home, and legged it into town to the social club for the meet and greet with the new opposition candidate. On the way I told myself, be boring, no jokes, just middle-class worthiness. She turned out to be quite a speech maker, and sharp with it too when it came to questions. Rory was going to be massacred. When it came time to mingle, I took my chance; ‘Congratulations! I’m Tony Arlington.’

‘Arlington, as in the Arlington Trust?’

‘Well yes, but I'm just one of seven trustees these days.’

‘You’re here as a member of the party?’

‘Indeed. I joined about eight years ago.’

‘But you’re one of the largest landowners and property developers in the county!’

‘Well not personally, I confess to owning a four-bed detached house and a two-seater car. But no, when my aunt died in the pandemic, I found myself the last beneficiary of a family trust that was set-up back in the mists of time to support the widows, orphans and unmarried daughters of a large extended family. Things had to change. It’s now been reconstituted as a Green charitable trust.’

‘But you own Crawford Park, turned it into a country club!’

‘The trust owns a forty per cent share in the Park company. The club just rents some of the rooms in the house, for most days of the year. But they are separate from the developing conference facility, the podcast studio and the expanding health spa.’

‘I see.’

‘The farms are being as organic as the government will let them be at the moment, and the town properties have a rolling programme of restoration, though I hear in the Press that we are being criticised for monopolising the supply of stonemasons in the south west.’

‘You’re involved in this new railway project; I saw the exhibition when it was at our village community hall.’

‘Excellent. We are hoping to end-up with about fifteen per cent of the eventual company that will own and run the line. But obviously there will be two operators, the heritage services will be complemented by new speedier trains for commuters.’

‘You don’t have the station properties yet!’

‘No, but I understand they’ve been made an offer, at the top of the market, whenever that was, two thousand and nineteen I think.’

‘Really, I didn’t know that.’

‘Still, you must be keen to see jobs coming to the village, and throughout the constituency come to that, assuming you’re successful. I’m sure you will be. By the way, if I can be any help with campaigning, media and such like, here's my card. The thing is, perhaps I shouldn’t say, but after my parents died when I was still a child, my aunts drew on the old family trust to give me quite a posh education, Flotterton was admittedly a couple of forms below me, but I have known him off and on, all my adult life. Anyway, I mustn’t monopolise your company, I’m sure there must be others you should be talking to...’

93: Panic

‘All done, Mr Cleverly.’ I spoke. ‘And I can quite appreciate the bank’s desire to move on, I’ll do what I can to expiate matters.’ Back in Archie’s office I was met by expectant smiles. ‘Well, we mustn’t delay the staff Charlie, onward and upward.’

Back in the street; ‘Well?’

‘Bit of luck that, being able to just breeze in, I quite thought such arrangements were a thing of the past, there was no indication as to how many boxes were still in use, so to speak.’

‘You know damn well what I meant. Are we now the possessors of a wad of escape cash, several false identities and an automatic pistol?’

‘You really are quite romantic when you want to be. No, none of that, just more notebooks and old documents, masses of them, they weigh a ton! So, to the Villa, for as long as it takes for me to do an initial assessment of the two bags.’

‘Archie was really quite nervous.’

‘He shouldn’t be, they have us and we have them. In the fullness of time a local media event, highlighting our discoveries, might solve their problem.’

‘But surely, they could just get the police and some sort of officer of the court and the crooks are busted.’

‘You’re still not getting this. Remember your heuristics. Separate in your mind; empathy, feeling what others feel, from “theory of mind”; the realisation that others think differently from you. The bank, are bricking themselves over what is in the boxes of the honest punters, okay?’

‘But?’

‘Just suppose the bank does decide to end the service and open the boxes, the owners of the contents are anonymous and most probably long dead. The crooked stuff? Ten per cent at most. The vast majority is the property, if they only knew it, of well to do and influential locals - jewels, historic artefacts, documents giving title to, investment certificates of one sort or another. Some of the best of the city was flattened in the war, killing their owners. Before you know it, multiple multi-million-pound lawsuits from people claiming to be the rightful owners of the same stuff!’

‘And you think you can gain kudos by helping them avoid all that by publicising something you don’t actually know anything about yet!’

‘Just thinking ahead.’

‘We need to tell Julia something! It’s getting late.’

‘Er, text; “MT frail but okay, hope to return by tomorrow evening”.’

Charlie was towering over me as I was trying to make sense of our cache of documents by arranging them on the floor of the media room. ‘Done. Now, what have we got?’ She asked.

‘In essence, Mr Tufnell’s name on title deeds for numerous properties, across the entire county it would seem, but what’s odd is these are piddling bits of land. Mainly brown field sites, occasionally built on. I can’t see rhyme nor reason to any of it.’

‘Someone must know.’

‘Sure. But which of his contemporaries would be in the know? And how to get them to talk?’

On our way back to the manor, we couldn’t resist dropping-in at the Park. There was raucous laughter and cheering emanating from the bar. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Buffy’s gone.’

‘Gone where?’

‘Sacked, thrown-out, they’ve deserted him. He’s gone too far. The right-thinking element have told him to walk.’ Said one of Buffy’s long-time critics.

‘I see.’

‘Glass of bubbly old man?’

‘I’ll just stick with the black coffee, if it’s all the same, need to keep a clear head.’

We retreated to the lounge, only to be confronted by Prudence, pacing the ground before the hearth.

‘It’s the end, certain defeat at the next election, money gone, Rory jobless, hopeless, the shame of it, Tony you’ve got to help, I’ll do anything, I’m begging you.’

‘You need to show patience, Prudence.’

‘What?’

‘You’re local, Rory’s local, that’s your appeal. You fight for the seat with all gusto, unapologetic about Buffy, if you lose, you merely stay where you are, campaign for the local party, fight the next election after that, return in triumph, the problem is the money. Rory’s unfit to do anything else, you have to find the cash doing something part-time that will raise enough. Focus on that.’

‘That’s all very well for you to say!’

‘I know, but that is the answer, the only answer.’

‘But how?’

‘Well, you’ve got two years to put your plan B in place, hang around here as much as possible, the money is here. With the individual members. Who likes you, who do you get on with, what do they need that you can supply, get my drift? Oh, and remember, membership here, is a fixed cost in your accounts.’

‘Er?’

I walked towards the garden for some fresh air, Charlie had drifted off somewhere as is her habit. I needed time to think. As I wandered towards the pond, I was surprised to find Don Wooley, newspaper man extraordinaire, seemingly on much the same mission. ‘Wouldn’t have thought you’d be operating from here at a time like this?’

‘I’ve been sneaking into the conference area and using the fibre, it’s still copper wire in the first-floor bedrooms. I don’t think that Fiona likes me!’

‘I see. Okay, well I can get the issue of more fibre throughout the occupied parts of the house further up the “to do list” because the relative cost is falling, Fiona is another matter entirely. Fiona always has to be in the room, so to speak. She is the public face of the Park, she’s the one in front of the camera. She may not have authority in decision making but she does have to be included. Charm her Don, after all she’s an old friend of Charlie’s, Charlie got her in here.’

‘Shit! Er, look I’ve got an idea about your conference centre, let’s go inside and have a look.’

It turned out the Don was concerned about the smaller of the two rooms leading off from the ballroom. ‘So, you don’t like the tables and chairs?’

‘Most of the time it’s being used as a media room now, no point in it looking like a college seminar room when by the simple act of replacing them with a sofa and a couple of chairs from upstairs, you have the grand country house decor along two sides, and your cameras and a perch for the technician come director on the other two sides. Now what does that set-up make you think of?’

‘The posh-ist Breakfast Time or Daytime tv studio ever?’

‘Exactly! Or to be more precise the summer residence, or perhaps winter residence, of The Don Wooley Podcast. Daily rent for at least three months of the year.’

‘I like it.’

‘Not that different from your home set-up really?’

‘Who, told you that?’

‘Oh! No secrets between me and Charlie these days, I know all about her, spread out on the chaise-lounge, whilst you fiddle with your gadgets.’

‘I beg your pardon!’

‘Fear not, she’s one of the special people. Anyway, what do you think Buffy will do now, now he has time on his hands, write his memoirs?’

‘Buffy doesn’t write.’

‘Really? Now that is interesting.’

‘Apart from reading agendas, and scribbling notes for speeches, he is a cultural desert!’

‘What are you two conspiring about?’ Came a voice from the doorway.

‘Charlie!’

‘There’s progress at the stables to be inspected, sir. Before we hit the road.’

‘Well, don’t let me detain you any longer.’

‘I’ll speak to the committee.’

‘What’s he doing?’

‘Distressing a brick!’ Our stone mason’s mate, had just chucked a brick into the portable cement mixer, whilst the man himself was attending to a piece of the decorated stonework which intermittently broke the monotony of the brick work. Only the garaging of the minibus could be said to be complete.

Speaking from atop the portable scaffolding, the boss said; ‘We’ve been taking a few days off from your Magdalen Place properties, while matey rescues bits of wrought iron guttering and down pipe from the back, to make the front entirely genuine again, so the back alas, will be entirely fake.’

‘Which it’s going to look anyway because of the sure-ing-up you’ve had to do?’

‘Well, that’s the way we see it, sir.’

‘No worries! Right then Sparkwell, we can’t hang around here watching other men work, we have places to be and things to do.’

Back at the manor about a week later, Julia sort me out in the grounds; ‘Tony, I’ve just taken a call from Victoria Herring.’

‘Oh, lord.’

‘I’m sorry, Mary’s gone. Passed away whilst still at the house apparently.’

79: Things fall apart

I date the end of the pandemic from that morning. Looking up from my screen, I spied Sparkwell through the media room window leading her ladies in outdoor yoga practice on the common lawn affronting the avenue.

Later she appeared before me, slightly perspiring and with a glint in her eye. ‘Namaste’ I said, bringing my hands together towards my chest and giving a slight nod of the head.

‘Fuck, and off, sir. I, have just made, a major breakthrough.’

‘Your first group teaching session turned out a success; I knew it would be.’

‘Not only that. I have set in motion a train of events which I feel confident will lead to the resolution of the two-car problem.’

‘Good lord!’

‘One of my students is the lady at number seven. She may be willing to swap garages.’

‘But that won’t help, we need two!’

‘No, we don’t.’

‘How come?’

‘What you have failed to take account of Holmes, is that the mews is a series of ad hoc conversions, built on a curve, some garages are considerably longer than others.’

‘Ah-ha! Well spotted Watson.’

‘My quarry, and her husband, recently exchanged their grand saloon for a family hatchback, no larger than our two-seater, she is convinced their unit would take two, end to end. I have a viewing tomorrow.’

‘Charlie, you’re a wonder. Take the rest of the day-off.’

‘Ha! The ultimate empty gesture.’

‘Well, go read The Beacon then.’

‘I might just.’

At about eleven o’clock I drifted downstairs to the kitchen in search of coffee and my daily shot of caffeine. ‘What’s going on?’ Exclaimed Charlie.

‘How do you mean?’

‘You always know. You knew there was new, News.’

‘Well, er...’

‘I mean their whole tone has changed. Are they gunning for Buffy now?’

‘Perhaps getting ready to ditch him, if they really have to.’

‘And the whole thing is full of adverts for the Don’s new podcast come radio show come tv chat show thingy.’

‘Yes, I fail to see the visual appeal myself, the close-up camera merely exaggerates his existing camp tendencies.’

‘Women readers like him.’

‘Yes, I suppose so, the anti-authoritarian Aussie with a glint in the eye. Perhaps one day he’ll want you as a guest, you could broadcast live from the treatment room.’

‘Is Buffy really in deep doo-doo then?’

‘Well, timing is everything. As fear ends, so anger rises. You know, it’s when conditions start to improve, that revolutions traditionally happen. And perhaps the opposition think they have a limited window of opportunity.’

‘How come?’

‘Well, there are also lots of post-pandemic recovery goodies that may be just over the horizon. Coffee is ready then?’

‘Help yourself.’ And after a two mouthful pause, she asserted; ‘Well since I have the rest of the day-off, you can buy me a proper lunch at the Park, I’ll bring the car round.’

‘So, if this is to count as our hot meal of the day, I imagine you have cold snacks available for a supper at home this evening?’ I speculated aloud as we sat opposite each other in the club dining area awaiting our grub.

‘No. You gave me the day-off before I had a chance to go shopping, I’ve asked Steppings, to ask the kitchen, to knock-up a couple of packed lunches that can serve as supper.’

‘Also charged to my account no doubt?’

‘Naturally. We also need to be home by four, if Kenneth is going to get a decent tea break.’

‘Understood.’ Then my mobile pinged. ‘Someone else wanting a piece of me. Ah-ha, our man Jack is proposing to take an Awayday tomorrow to Birmingham to look at the remains of minibuses, wants permission to do deals and pay deposits if everything looks good.’

‘How much?’

‘Not how much, but what? I’ve offered him an architect’s drawing of a viable filling station electric forecourt extension.’

‘How innocent of me, to think that any cash might be changing hands.’ A sudden look of apprehension came over her face as she spoke, I concluded I must prepare for an assault from the rear.

‘We want a word with you two!’ So said the unmistakable Prudence.

‘Better draw up a couple of chairs then.’ She looked angry; Rory merely glum.

‘Everything is going wrong and it’s all your fault.’ So said our MP’s wife.

‘How so?’

‘The party is in chaos; in case you hadn’t noticed. Rory must decide which way to jump.’

‘But you’re a Buffy loyalist!’ I said, turning towards the aforementioned.

‘The PM may have broken all sorts of rules. My committee is uncovering all kinds of shenanigans.’

‘So?’

‘I don’t want to lose my bloody seat do I!’

‘You may have to.’

‘Why?’

‘You two really haven’t thought this through. You have no choice but to stick to Buffy like a limpet.’

‘Explain.’ Said Prudence.

‘Buffy will most likely get his mojo back and carry on to even greater victories, however, if by some quirk of fate, he fails, have you given thought to what he’ll do next?’

‘How is that relevant?’

‘Oh, dear. If Buffy fails, no matter how great his successor, you lose old boy. Look, let me spell it out, Buffy has no money of his own, his finances have always been chaotic, if he resigns, he’ll likely be holing-up at Carrie’s cottage and hanging around here all day. And everyone will know he lives in the very constituency which hosted his greatest triumph, or failure - depending on your point of view...’

‘Oh, my god. We’re stuck with him for ever!’ Cried Prudence.

As we drove back to the house Charlie said; ‘You can’t really know if any of your imaginings about the future will come true.’

‘No, but it’s better that Prue and Rory at least start thinking ahead, no good just hoping things will carry on as they were before.’

‘Besides, I bet you could remove Buffy from future involvement at the Park if you really wanted to.’

‘So, guess why I choose not to?’

‘There’s money to be made.’

‘Got it in one.’

Kenneth looked a trifle damp and care worn as we came through the back gate. He was leaning on a spade at the same time as extracting a bamboo cane from one of the cold frames, which turned out to be about three feet long. He grasped the bottom of it with the palm of his free hand. ‘Tea in five minutes, Ken!’ So said Charlie in a cheery voice.

‘Ah, you are kindness itself, my dear.’

Ten minutes later and we were all beginning to warm through.

‘Does the garden have any kind of gradient Kenneth?’

‘I think it must do, very slightly sloping away towards the back wall, the ground is damper there at depth, despite getting more sunlight. All the more reason to make all veg planting on raised beds.’

‘And the temperature below ground in the cold frames?’

‘All is as it should be in the garden.’ He replied looking vaguely into space. The three of us just sat there awhile in silence, me wondering what might be inside the two paper bags with handles that Charlie had casually placed on the kitchen table aside the tea pot. ‘It’s not the planet that’s in crisis, but the human race.’

‘Well,’ I said, raising my mug, ‘we can all drink to that, cheers!’

71: The speech

Charlotte stood over my right shoulder, reading her tablet. ‘I don’t get it. None of this makes sense.’

‘Well, you know Rory...’

‘Yes, I get why he’d need a speech written for him.’

‘Not written, spoken, foretold if you like, at a time when he was highly suggestable.’

‘Yes. I get why words like these might be spoken by a right-wing MP. I just don’t see why he should go up against the PM. He’ll just draw attention to himself, I mean if anyone challenges him, he’ll fall apart in five seconds.’

‘Ah, but he’s under pressure to get on, from you know who.’

‘But if the PM prompted you, to get Rory to attack him, Rory won’t be going anywhere.’

‘Oh, I don’t know.’

‘So, what is the plan?’

‘Well Buffy just thinks it’s better PR to be seen to be pressured by others into doing the right thing, than suggesting it himself. Odd I know, something about the parliamentary party asserting itself, feeling it is really in charge, which of course it’s not.’

‘I can’t pretend to get all that, but what’s in it for us?’

‘Favoured status for the Park, a cooperative - if not particularly friendly - Chief Constable. All sorts of things that oil the wheels.’

‘Some people will notice these are not Rory’s words, and some of this is a blatant give away, “I won my seat by taking on the retired commissars of the metropolitan left who litter the English Riviera”. Quite a few people know that’s the sort of thing you’d say when taking the piss! And what of; “For you can only put the Great back into Great Britain, tackle the mountain of debt, and make us a going concern again with high and sustained economic growth. The Prime Minister has already spent all we can afford on the pandemic and stimulus packages for the North, the so-called Red Wall. The rest must come from becoming a low tax, low spend economy again. Yet as traditionalists it is our duty to maintain the military, the police and our security forces. Now the PM may not permit the word austerity to pass his lips, in this he is correct, for shaving budgets here and there for a few years will never be enough. The only way out is to cut absolutely the bloated and unnecessary state apparatus, the mindless bureaucracy which has grown around us all over the last fifty years. But, unlike entrepreneurial led growth, cutting the state is not a bottom-up process, quite the reverse.” The Beacon doesn’t normally reprint political speeches like this.’

‘Quite!’

‘Now this is just plain silly; “Number Ten must lead by example, the very cabinet table of which we are so proud, only comfortably sits eleven or twelve minsters, plus the Prime Minister himself and the Cabinet Secretary, there to record the minutes. With a reduction in ministries, there would be the chance of real cabinet government, again. Such was the situation the last time this country could call itself great. Now, we have a Cabinet Office employing a staggering eight thousand people.” This is the new Victorians thing I suppose?’

‘Absolutely, sounds a bit mad when Rory says it, but seen in cold print...’

‘And what about; “A Colonial Office of a few hundred administered an empire, now the same number hand out aid we can ill afford, for projects where we never discover whether they worked or not.” Is that true?’

‘It’s what the tabloid press believes to be true.’

‘Blimey, “a policy of intervention in the affairs of others is an outrageous foreign policy, hugely expense and merely encourages antipathy towards the West. I say trade, not aid.” There’s more, “the NHS has become a monster out of control, creating endless demand, as the population gets ever unhealthier. How wrong, Bevan and the men from the ministry were, to believe that the real cost of the NHS would fall over time as less people got ill.” Was that true?’

‘Oh, yes!’

‘I’ve had enough of this; we must get back to the garden.’

‘Is that your considered political position or a practical suggestion?’

‘Shut, up.’

‘Hang-on a second, does he get a mention in the editorial?’

‘Oh, yes. “A rare true-blue speech from the unknown MP who is only recorded as having spoken twice in the House of Commons. Perhaps he should assert himself more often for he goes straight to the heart of issues long championed by this paper.” A ringing endorsement then.’

Later that day I took a call; ‘I have the Prime Minister for you.’

‘Carrie!’

‘He’s using me as a bloody secretary now.’

‘You should get out more.’

‘Tell me about it, darling! It’s all right for him, he’s always out and about. Although, I rather think he wishes I could do a Charlotte and transform myself into a valette, when required.’

There was a sudden pause. Then Buffy came on the line. ‘Anthony! Just to say, marvellous job regarding young Rory, just the right tone, makes me sound like a sober minded judge. Ha! We can take it from here.’

‘But what will become of him?’

‘Well, he can’t very well accept a ministerial job now, after saying all he did about making cutbacks, can he? No, Chair of the parliamentary Whitehall watchdog committee should suit.’

The following week, Prudence approached me at the club. ‘Wasn’t he wonderful Tony? And I’ll let you in on a secret, it was all his own words, I had no involvement at all! I didn’t even see the script. What about that. You never believed it possible he could be his own man. As chair of this committee, he can call anyone to account, any minister, even Buffy himself. He is a force to be reckoned with. Now he’s being talked of as a future leader of the party.’

She seemed proud of her man, in a deeply unfashionable way. Feeling that perhaps life was getting just a tad too easy, I headed for the bar in search of a stiff drink.

‘Tony!’

‘Don! You’re spending a lot of time in this next of the woods, for one who’s meant to be a columnist for our leading national paper.’

‘I’ve been sent by my editor. He said; “You’ve got the connections, go be a reporter, find out about this MP who’s making the headlines.” Hoisted by my own petard. Having built Rory up at your request, now I’m being asked to knock him down.’

‘So, we are forced to ask, from whom does your editor take his orders?’

‘Better not to ask. Rather, why is it, that whenever I ask questions in this place the answers always seem to lead back to you! Or rather, you and your sidekick. Yet it also seems I’m in your debt, I hadn’t realised it was your recommendation that got me in here.’

‘We’re more than happy to have you.’

‘Rory is a chump. You contrived to get him elected, seemingly as a favour to his wife. As a consequence, this place, in which you have a financial stake, becomes a hive of political activity following on from the new MP’s support for the nation’s most notorious politician who in short order becomes the next PM. Now, I can’t write all that up, because it’s all too far fetched even for our readers.’

‘But you can’t go home empty handed. What you need is a nice little human-interest story about the life and loves of a chump, perhaps with a few choice anecdotes from an old school chum.’

‘Let me buy you lunch.’

‘I thought you’d never ask.’

57: The reunion

‘Daphne! Welcome! You look, resilient.’

‘I’ll take that as a compliment, as someone with teenage daughters. Belated, condolences by the way. How are you, seriously?’

‘Good, everything is working out the way it should.’

‘You’ve taken over her house on the right side of town I gather.’

‘How on earth…’

‘I’ve just been chatting to Charlotte; I was taking a look at the grounds, waiting out my fifteen minutes…’

‘Enjoying a crafty fag.’

‘As you say, and there she was. She, er, dropped the whole Valette thing instantly, she seems a very, sympathetic person.’

‘She’s been on a steep learning curve lately; she’ll be the only one of us with a genuine inside view of the actual Summit. Looks like I’ll be stuck at home.’

‘Funny, Barmy says he’s going to pull a sickie, and monitor the whole thing from his cabin. Says it should be the best laugh on screen for years. Can you actually livestream the whole thing to the portal, not that you would, of course!’

‘Well, bit beyond my skills, but I do know the only thing to hack into would be our club area security cameras, very dull, lousy audio. You know those live fly-on-the-wall reality shows, they only work because there is a very experienced director and cameraman in the control room with the editor.’

‘Really, Barmy seemed to think you could do it with your eyes shut. It sounds pretty loud in the bar, are they all de-mob happy or something?’

‘That, and more cricket. Coffee? Sticky bun?’

‘Thanks, and hat’s-off for the good old Duke, or whatever one is meant to do on such occasions.’

When we were settled, she said; ‘Talking of your Charlotte, you know way back, when she first appeared in the spa, she really put the wind-up the whole lot of them, simply by being there.’

‘She has a certain presence.’

‘They recognised the genuine article when they saw it. Two of them left of their own volition within weeks. Did you know that?’

‘No, but that was how I got her through the door in the first place, raising doubts about the spa and saying I was sure someone with her background could raise standards, so to speak.’

‘You know, now you’re only a mile or so down the road, we’ll all have to start making social calls.’

‘I draw the line at dinner parties. Charlie only tolerates the kitchen, because we take so many meals out - and of course enforces such a strict regime at home, she barely has to do any shopping.’

‘If I didn’t know the back story, I’d think you a very odd couple.’

‘Ha! A while back I made an effort to explain you and Barmy to her. I told her that what really needed explaining was how you two ended up embracing the English suburban lifestyle.’

‘Well, you should try explaining it to me sometime darling! I’m the one who really needs to know. Christ! Hear that? It’s Auld Lang Syne now.’

There ended-up being about fifteen members for lunch. Charlie, in uniform, could be seen shadowing the regular staff, physically rehearsing everything. During lockdown she’d made a few subtle changes to the position of the furniture. The Lady Vic managed to extract Tuffy from the bar a while before lunch, giving him the chance to calm down. At one point I noticed Prudence, apparently alone, and palely loitering, I feared the worst so waved her over. ‘What no Rory?’

‘He’s been recalled for more media training.’

‘Ah.’

‘And he’s been almost totally frozen out of the summit, all he gets is playing second fiddle to your Uncle at the meet and greet.’

‘Well, if it’s any consolation, the Earl and Countess will only be here for about an hour and a half. Their only permanent presence is the flag on the roof.’

‘Surely they’ll be insisting on the Union Jack,’ said Daphne.

‘No, that’s the only non-negotiable part of the deal. I’ve already had to pull Buffy up about his lack of constitutional knowledge. The Union Jack has no meaning or status in such matters what so ever. It’s merely a modern celebration of the Union. Short of the monarch being present, when obviously it’s the Royal Standard, it’s always his flag. Indeed, Uncle’s ancestors were granted their coat of arms by the Crown anyway, so...’

At which point Charlie passed behind my chair; ‘Gone in ten.’

‘Okay.’

‘Something on?’ Asked Daphne.

‘Scheduled video call, at home, with the man himself.’

‘Do you two never stop trying to get the better of each other?’

‘Never. Especially today. If we’re all going to be hacked during this whole thing, then it will start today, they will need to try and trawl all my kit in the Media Room first, and they’ll get twenty minutes.’

‘Will you know?’

‘Depends, their kit will have to learn as it goes, in stages, give itself feedback, there should be alerts.’

‘And if there aren’t?’

‘Either a hundred per cent success, or a hundred per cent fail, or they’re not trying. Things are rarely one hundred per cent in life.’

‘You could fail to notice, human error.’

‘Which is why, if they succeed, then it’s almost certainly Barmy who’s told them how.’

‘No! No way, Tony.’

‘He knows more than I. He may have made a judgement that it was the right thing to do for all our sakes.’

‘But he’s sold his soul to the Americans, you know that better than most.’

‘Exactly. Legally speaking, the US doesn’t snoop on its own citizens, nor the UK on its own subjects, they don’t have to, the GCHQ does it for them, the NSA for us.’

‘Rory has been assured that’s a complete myth.’ Declared Prue.

‘Well, I’m sure he has impeccable sources these days. Right then, time to make a move, see you, whenever.’

‘Good lord Anthony, you appear better set-up than any of us.’

‘Hang-on a second, I’ll give you a 360-degree view for the benefit of everyone watching, Charlotte’s in the room by the way.’

‘Ha! Carrie does that, lounge in the background. We’re all still looking for Nancy Astor’s missing chaise longue. Afternoon Sparkwell.’

‘Prime Minister.’

‘Palm trees, and a sea view. Well, well, well.’

‘One other thing, let me zoom in, there on my screen, security alerts, coming thick and fast, see? Each one a repeated attempt to trawl me.’

‘And failing presumably, why would we be doing that?’

‘Well, if you want to snoop on anyone, anything, at the Park, by hacking their devices, you have to take me out first. The entire Park is run from here, the only other significant shareholders are the Earl and Aunt Julia, and everything automatically back-ups to their devices.’

‘I’m forever telling them to fuck-off, but of course there’s no way of telling if they have!’

‘The problem is Charlotte will be carrying her work mobile, right, which is on this network, with an earpiece for emergencies. If she can’t carry them, she’s out of there.’

‘Hang-on Anthony, I’m being told something. How is that possible? Your joking! I’m not allowed to say. There are more ways than one to skin a cat. Anthony!’

‘Prime Minister.’

‘Who provides your security?’

‘Well, it’s a mix, of off-the-shelf commercial kit and software.’

‘Okay, well who tells you what to buy?

‘Well, most of the time I can work it out for myself, if I get stuck, I ask Barmy.’

‘Christ! He’s working for the Yanks.’

‘Well, only in the sense that he’s given up his intellectual property rights over his current project. All his personal digital assets are held in the UK now, he was even granted full UK citizenship the other day.’

‘Really. They’re still telling me not to tell you anything.’

‘In that case, why don’t I guess?’

‘Go on then.’

‘Yes, they were trying to trawl as a precursor to a hack. They got the same alerts I got. Thought I was attempting to trawl them, then realised as they got even more repeated fails, there is only one possible explanation, we are all using the same software, the same updates, they were attempting, in effect, to trawl themselves. This whole operation is being led locally by the Navy, therefore… You know Daphne told me at lunch he plans to throw a sickie over the whole four days and watch it all from his cabin on his screen.’

‘Bastard! I’ll have him out of there.’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t do that, if the system goes down, he’s the only one who’ll be able to fix it!’

‘What does Sparkwell think?’

‘Sir?’

‘Don’t bother, she thinks it’s all boy’s games, she’s still reading The Beacon on her tablet, see?’

53: Sparkwell's return

‘Where the hell are you?’ Said Charlie, down the line.

‘At the Villa.’

‘You’ve moved us!’

‘Only me and my stuff, take a look around, you’ll find you’re still fully intact. What’s that crash?’

‘I just dropped my fishing tackle. Oh, now I see, I think? The camera has gone from the treatment room I notice.’

‘Yes. I’m speaking to you from the Media Room, first-floor front. But anyway, I couldn’t move you without your consent, but then I couldn’t show you what you might wish to move to; without moving myself - if you see what I mean?’

‘That might be logical in your world but I’m not sure... I’ve only been gone a week; you must have been scheming this for ages.’

‘Well not really. The builders finished here the day after you left. You commandeered the car so I had to leg it to Jack’s for a courtesy vehicle and he was moaning about how much his lads were underemployed and suddenly I had a brainwave...’

‘Don’t bother.’

‘All done for free, payback for our road trip. Anyway, get yourself over here. It would appear I’ve got some even bigger news you may have reservations about.’

‘Oh my god, what?’

‘Have you been living in total isolation?’

‘Of course.’

‘Not listened to the news?’

‘Why would I?’

Charlie arrived rather recklessly. I’m sure some curtains must have twitched in the avenue. She practically ran up the path, clearly, she must have put the radio on. ‘Don’t you ever do that to me again. I almost crashed. Are you out of your mind? Talk about getting above yourself, and just what role in the proceedings had you got in mind for me?’

‘Firstly, the idea came from the top; secondly, they’ve asked for you, more or less full-time until the summer.’

‘But, but... You’ve only got six of the bedrooms in commission!’

‘Correction, we’ve got state rooms as grand as anything they’ll have ever known, they just need the dust blowing off.’

‘What!’

‘And if they’re not satisfied, they can make do with the servant’s quarters above.’

‘Seriously, Tony. What’s this all about?’

‘Buffy’s revenge, I think. His chance to stick it to the rest of the world.’

‘How?’

‘He wants us, as we are. The club. Right down to the regular menu.’

‘Well let’s pray they’re not here on a Thursday.’

‘Why?’

‘Well! I’m pleased you’ve forgotten, as chair of the Dining Committee you must have approved it once upon a time - Spotted Dick with lumpy custard.’

‘Oh yes. Happy days.’

‘So, you promised Prudence foreign statesmen, are you going to deliver an HRH too?’

‘Well, unknown as yet. But we do have a banqueting room familiar to their ancestors.’

‘Well, you’ve changed this room.’

‘Yes, back to what it must once have been. Ground floor front, therefore a literal reception room, somewhere to meet visitors and decide whether they should be allowed any further on to the premises.’

‘Do take a seat madam, I’ll see if the young master is at home.’

‘Or, do take a seat, whilst I prepare the treatment room, there’s mineral water on the sideboard.’

‘What?’

‘Step this way.’

‘How come it’s so light? And where’s the dining table, you said it was a genuine heirloom.’

‘The table is in three bits in one of the top floor bedrooms, only took the lads five minutes, it was designed to be taken apart. The ceiling and walls above the picture rail have new white paint and LED ceiling lights, see? And, this back wall is now white, whilst the remaining posh wallpaper has had some sort of damp spongy treatment, that brings back the original slightly reflective effect.’

‘The floor?’

‘That I admit is a bit of an indulgence, has to be sealed again apparently, when the wood has dried out a bit more. Oh, and the patio doors have been rehung and tinkered with, easy to leave ajar now, for fresh air and birdsong on spring mornings. So, moving on, only minor changes to the kitchen and pantry.’

‘Fresh paint and?’

‘Just a thorough clean-up really, food was quite a priority with the Aunt.’

‘What’s happened to the backdoor?’

‘Oh yes, I almost forgot, it has in fact been replaced. So, no more bolts but a dead lock as well as a sprung lock - now an alternative way to ingress and egress the property.’

‘Honestly this isn’t fair, you’ve been doing this to make me want to be here, rather than creating your own space. Now, it’s like I owe you!’

‘You haven’t seen upstairs yet.’

‘Oh cripes.’

‘So, master bedroom one, street facing, becomes proper family withdrawing room come library - henceforth to be known as the Media Room.’

‘Now that is cool.’

‘Well yes, and apart from Barmy’s garden shed I can’t think of one to beat it. Indeed, my wraparound screen is bigger that his.’

‘Looks like you’re still at the same place with your father’s documents as you were when they were downstairs?’

‘Yes, and likely to stay that way if I have to be hands-on with the Summit. Anyway, moving along, real master bedroom, garden facing with new improved bath and shower arrangements.’

I left a long pause, until she broke the silence; ‘All plumbed in, but no tiles yet.’

‘Correct.’

‘Well, I’m not signing-up for cleaning. Either you do it yourself or get someone in. And the car?’

‘Bernard is in negotiation to get Uncle Thomas’s mews garage back.’

‘Mews?’

‘At the confluence of the two back lanes that serve the avenue.’

‘Now you’ve lost me.’

‘An ancient, pre-historic version of a residents association, formed out of the freeholders, to look after the mews, the back lanes, the avenue, and the common lawn behind the trees.’

‘It’s all private? You wouldn’t know it.’

‘Long may it stay that way.’

‘You said you would be using last week to settle the reconstituting of the Trust!’

‘Well, that’s slightly delayed on account of it can only happen once Bernard and Brinkley have put their own semi-retirement plans into operation.’

‘You’re in charge, aren’t you?

‘Of course, but they have to do it all of their own free will and fly-off to the sun in the firm belief it was all their own idea.’

‘You know you said I’d have to find out about those two on my own. Well, I’ve discovered nothing, so perhaps you’d better come clean.’

‘All I know, all anyone knows - and this’s the point - is, you know that Art Deco block of flats between here and town? That’s where they live.’

‘Together?’

‘No. They each have a second floor flat; they live across the corridor from each other.’

‘Oh. Right.’

‘And, about twenty-five years ago, when this arrangement began, they each went halves on a timeshare in Spain. The only gossip ever to emerge, is that they nearly always take annual leave at the same time.’

‘They don’t look the part, do they?’

‘I’m not sure that’s an appropriate question these days?’

‘You know what I mean! Brinkley looks positively, Dickensian.’

‘Indeed, the miserly clerk, sat on a high stool at one of those high desks. Whilst Bernard looks like the country squire, fresh from tearing a strip off the stable lad.’

‘So, what happens, they keep their financial stake in the whole set-up I take it?’

‘Absolutely. They just hand over most of their clients to the staff they’ve been bringing along the last couple of years, with the exception of the Trust, the Park and the club accounts. If you go to the websites of Brinkley Associates, and Merriweather and Stollard, you will find them describing themselves as Consulting Accountant and Consulting Solicitor respectively.’

44: A woman's best friend

‘Yes, I see. No. He, and a single guest, can book one of the bedrooms for up to four weeks, but if he wants to bring in more guests it has to be on a daily basis as part of an event, pre-booked and organised for. You must say, no but we do have our new conference facilities, the ballroom with seating up to one hundred and thirty, plus the two adjoining seminar rooms, which are both fully wired-up like the ballroom, and one of which could be used as a temporary press room, for interviews via the Internet. As long as he understands there are no permissions to use it like a radio studio. No, you must explain all this, say you’ve consulted, spoken to senior management, and you definitely don’t say it was me. He needs deniability as much as we do. Yes. Speak later.’

‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have heard all that.’

‘Well, actually, sometime in the next few weeks if you bump into your favourite columnist at the Park, you should make friends, show him the ropes, but remember the idea is he tells you stuff, not the other way around. Difficult I know given he’s the one trained to get information out of people, but…’

‘I’d be all tongue tied.’

‘Well offer him a story.’

‘I haven’t got any.’

‘Yes you have! Tell him about matey, our local celebrity chef and his seafood harbour restaurant, he’ll love that. They know all chefs are psychos who always gesture with the hand holding the knife - tell him about all the cod coming from the Baltic! Better still, tell him the seafood only tastes great because the punter is sitting on the harbour.’

‘Oh, right.’

It takes it out of you organising a campaign without appearing to do so. The cognitive load, as the neuroscientists refer to it, is just too much. I found myself thinking out loud; ‘Now, Buffy just makes a single visit, with twenty-four hours’ notice; but Carrie, armed with secret weapon, is booked in for two days door knocking with Rory in the final week, however, we don’t have to worry about accommodation because she still has the cottage behind the Dissipated Kipper. Now then, avoid the fish quay this time because the opposition will just pipe up and say it’s only there because of EU money, where can Buffy and Rory safely go? Charlie!’

‘Leave me out of it.’

‘Just a point of information, that’s all. What was the name of that website that ranked our chippy number one in the South West or whatever?’

‘Why on earth?’

‘I want to give Wooley the headline “PM learns right way to fry chips” but, you know, translated into tabloid speak. Buffy loves anything where he can roll up his sleeves.’

‘Aren’t you in grave danger of getting “Buffy’s Had His Chips”.’

‘Oh my God, are we?’

‘Well, I don’t know, but anyway, according to today’s freesheet, the overpriced ice cream tub is standing again.’

‘What! They must be mad.’

‘Even if they are, they’ll still have learnt something from the last time.’

‘Touché. Whatever we do, we mustn’t follow the same logic as before.’

‘Why are you knocking your pan out over all this?’

‘Oh, I don’t know, gives the little grey cells a thorough workout I suppose, besides this is the easy bit, next I have to convince Prudence to convince Rory that he dreamed all this up!’

‘You’re this Tony guy, right? Don Wooley, The Beacon.’

‘Are yes of course, I have a close personal friend who reads you all the time.’

‘The Valette, I’ve met her, you’re a class act, so I’m told.’

‘Well thank you.’

‘I can’t believe my proprietor has cleared your invoice for exclusive use of your dinky new conference facility for four whole weeks, plus a room for me and my partner. More palatial than Buck House itself.’

‘Well, it is somewhat older.’

‘Ha! Effortless. And still we vote for Her Madge.’

‘Well, if you could just see your way to a post-Brexit trade deal, you’re welcome to throw Charlie boy overboard. Drink?’

‘I thought you’d never ask. I’ve just been trying to get the raspberry ripple over here for an interview, he turned me down.’

‘Fascinating, I’ve been on the lookout for him or any of his lieutenants for some time, assuming they would try and infiltrate in order to have a pop at us.’

‘Perhaps he thinks if he steps across the portal, he’ll become tainted.’

‘That’s a point, instead of actually learning anything about their opposition, they’d rather remain in ignorance for fear of losing their reputation for ideological purity.’

‘I doubt they’re even conscious of where their beliefs come from mate!’

As soon as we were informed of Buffy’s second official flying visit, we decamped to the Park immediately. Early the following morning Charlie and I set-up a one-way system in the house to marshal police, government security, party HQ campaign staff, the media and the politicians themselves. She asked; ‘Will any members be allowed in today?’

‘In theory, yes.’

‘Well, I’m supposed to be leading the final wood patrol!’

‘Ah. Er, I’d try and meet them in the carpark, do it all outside. Only the PM’s security detail can actually physically bar their way. They’ll just get friendly advice from the police, it’s only if they get stroppy in reply that they may be in trouble.’

‘I might try and prime them by text.’

‘Ah, there you are Anthony. Is it me? I’ve the distinct impression I’m watching the retreat from Moscow!’

‘Oh, I see what you mean Prime Minster.’ Buffy was staring out of the window of the veranda bar, morning coffee in hand. It was a slightly mystical winter scene, the spoil from the landscaping gave it the feel of a battlefield. Crossing our vision, half in silhouette, was a handcart piled high with chopped wood - or perhaps it was bodies - pulled by four men distinctly bowed by the exertion. Behind them followed a relaxed loping female figure, casually dangling her chainsaw.

‘My God man, what’s your sergeant major been doing to them?!’

‘Give’m hell Charlie!’

‘You didn’t need to be so rough with Tufnell. I suggested something romantic, didn’t I?’

‘You did indeed. I set him off on the trail of the Lady Vic.’

‘The Herring? I thought she’d joined the art connois-sewers?’

‘She has, opened a gallery on the harbour side. Tuffy is her self-appointed goffer.’

‘Ha! Get him married off, he’s been a millstone round your neck too long.’

‘Er, thank you Prime Minister, how’s Carrie?’

‘Very optimistic about the North. She’s been bounding up and down dale with Fluffy?’

‘Who?’ I said, feigning ignorance.

‘Fluffy the Downing Street dog.’

‘What breed?’

‘Terrier of course.’

‘May one enquire why you’re skulking here and not out there pressing the flesh?’

‘Taking an hour out to give Wooley his exclusive. He’s behaving himself, is he?’

Alas I have but second-hand reports with which to recount Carrie’s visit. At around lunchtime on the first day, I was preceding down the long ground floor corridor at the Park when from behind came that voice, so reminiscent of Aunt Elisabeth; ‘Anthony! Half a tick.’

‘Prudence, how may I be of service?’

‘I’ve been side-lined by Trumpton’s live-in girlfriend and it’s all your doing.’

‘She’s here in her capacity as a professional persuader.’

‘Well, she’d better be good. She spent an hour this morning alone with Rory. He said they were just rehearsing, but she’s got this thing about her, like you and Charlotte, that disarming thing, makes one feel like it’s hopeless to resist, hypnotic or whatever.’

‘Presence, charm, charisma?’

‘Creepy more like.’

‘Oh, come on, you spend half your life coaching Rory, it’s the secret of his success.’

‘Yes, but not like that.’

‘So, you saw some of it.’

‘Well, just a bit. Rory is meant to say; “Just calling around because I thought you might like to meet the PM’s fiancé and their darling new companion Fluffy”. And then, the constituent will apparently make a joke about how Buffy and Fluffy must be a bit of a handful, to which she replies by winking at the same moment as patting her tummy!’