67: The tea party

‘Welcome to our humble abode, one and all.’ Daphne and her daughters, Melisa and Belinda, turned to look at me with apparent wide-eyed surprise as I entered the reception room on what was turning out to be one of the last sunny summer afternoons. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, have I interrupted someone’s joke before the punchline?’ This was followed by tittering all round.

‘You know Charlotte I do believe you’re correct, there is a distinct family resemblance, now you come to mention it.’

‘Oh, lord! I must confess it hadn’t occurred to me that there might be a downside to putting her on such prominent display. Do sit down all of you, I trust you found us without difficulty?’

‘You forget Tony, I’ve been here before, almost exactly thirty years ago to the day.’

‘Well, I’ll be damned! Yes of course.’

‘I remember the picture too, unavoidable if one needed to use the loo!’

‘It was still there when Charlie first saw it.’

‘Scared the life out of me!’

‘It scared everybody!’ Replied Daphne.

‘When exactly was this Mummy?’ Asked Melisa.

‘End of our second year wasn’t it, Tony?’

‘Yes, I was stopping here for a few days before taking you for a long weekend at Checkley Manor. I remember picking you up at the railway station.’

‘Did he have a glamourous car then too?’

‘We thought so at the time, but looking back it was rather a cramped bone-shaker, not easy to get in and out of.’

‘An old MG Midget, if you care to look it up. Painted duck-egg blue, which is really a pale green, the colour they used to put on the underside of fighter aircraft.’

‘This room has changed, it used to be quite cluttered, now it looks much more formal.’

This was followed by a moment or two of silence, broken only by Melisa saying; ‘So why did the two of you break up; no one ever explains?’

‘Isn’t it obvious, I wasn’t good enough for her. Would you care for a guided tour Daphne, perhaps it would jog the memory even further?’

‘I thought you’d never ask.’

‘Would you care to lead the way, Charlie?’

‘Oh, no! I always learn so much I never knew, when you lead a tour!’

‘Very well. Now across the way, we have Charlotte’s lair, where the world comes to be restored...’

We ended, at the bottom of the garden. ‘This is what looks truly familiar, which of course can’t be literally true, obviously you’ve been making quite an effort at restoration.’

‘Well, thank you.’

‘I’ll make a start on tea. I’ll leave you to put out the tables Tony.’ So said Charlie, drifting away.

‘You’ve done marvellously well Tony, are you happy?’

‘Never better.’

‘It all rather makes one discontent for somewhere grander, though Barmy would never hear of it.’

‘She always gives Daddy the last word! Positively feudal.’ Said Melisa.

‘Strange choice of words for one so young.’

‘She’s recently discovered Wodehouse.’

‘Oh! Excellent. I always think of Wodehouse as a response to Sherlock Holmes, you might care to have the two on the go at the same time.’

‘Really! I’ve only ever seen him on the telly.’

‘Well, you are in for a treat.’

‘Now then Melisa.’ I said as we settled into our medicinal herbal tea. ‘Since we are sat here on my property - and it is truly in my name by the way, Charlie here preferring to remain of “no fixed abode” - I feel it beholden upon me, to give you a full and frank explanation as to how and why your father acquired the nickname, Barmy!

‘Oh, Tony!’ Interrupted Daphne.

‘No, no. The truth will out. Your father, as I’m sure you’ve worked out for yourself, is usually the smartest person in the room. This became apparent to all and sundry one day in Maths class, when he was just a few years younger than you are today. The teacher would speak aloud a calculation he wanted us boys to do, at the same time as chalking it on the blackboard. He would invariably say something like, “for full marks be sure to show your working-out”. Now, we would then write out the sum, stare at it for a while, then make an attempt with pencil and paper following the method we’d had drummed into us. Your father on the other hand would stare out of the window throughout. However, he always heard the question, and after a moment simply wrote down the correct answer, and after a further moment’s thought, would draw a circle around the number. Now this annoyed the teacher no end, when challenged, your father said he had no idea how he’d worked it out. The teacher always suspected some form of cheating, we on the other hand knew your father was just like that about all sorts of stuff. So, we just accepted it. One of us, I forget who, said something like, “oh he’s just barmy sir” and it stuck. The name is, what literary types would call a “term of endearment”. But of course, to use anyone’s nickname properly, you really must both like them, and be liked by them.’

‘How did he ever pass any exams?’ Asked Melisa.

‘He said he had to force himself to look up one of the proscribed methods beforehand and consciously remember it, he said exams were the most tedious hours of his whole school career.’

‘I can never understand why schooldays mean so much to the boys.’ Reflected Charlotte.

‘I’m afraid I can,’ replied Daphne, ‘it’s something about the quality and organisation of private education. Those who aren’t able to achieve the camaraderie get sent to Beaconsfield. I’m sorry, Tony mentioned it once.’

‘No problem.’

‘You’re very accepting and understanding about everything Charlotte, not sure I’d be so generous in your shoes.’

‘Well, I met one or two thrown-out of your dump too.’

‘Oh, touché.

‘We haven’t had the benefit have we Bel.’

‘No Mel.’

‘Well, children always rebel against their parent’s choices.’ Replied Daphne.

‘What’s projection Tony?’ Asked Melisa.

‘Oh, good god! Where do you pick up such things?’ Her mother interceded.

‘Well, it’s a psychological phenomenon, first mentioned by Sigmund Freud, but labelled by his daughter Anna, as the principal defence mechanism. Now let me see. You feel a certain emotion say, which you experience as uncomfortable or unacceptable so you play a kind of trick on yourself by ascribing it to others, it makes you feel better, by deciding it has come from somewhere else.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Couple of problems with it though. If you look hard enough, you’ll find every one does it to some degree. Secondly, because everyone does it, you realise it is really a social aspect of the species which kind of gets passed around, and not really the product of individuals at all. Worth ruminating about a bit though, can be a useful idea at times. But, projection is the mechanism or process, it has all sorts of varieties of expression, like rationalisation for example, which of course is exactly what I’ve just been doing.’

‘Well, its been awfully nice having a look around, still we should make a move before the rain returns. Barmy’s back next week, I’m sure he’d enjoy a poke about.’

‘Yes, before you go, just let me slip upstairs, there’s a book I’m sure Melisa would enjoy.’

‘So, what great tome of wisdom did you give Melisa?’

‘Just my pocket edition of The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes.’

‘I see. Odd child, is Daphne happy about you egging Melisa on?’

‘She will be. Mel is exceedingly bright. Bored and frustrated as a result. Much like her father was at her age. I have Barmy’s permission to interfere provided I can carry Daphne with me.’

‘And how do you propose to proceed?’

‘Well, if she takes to The Adventures, I’ll start her on Konnikova’s Mastermind - how to think like Sherlock Holmes.’

66: Repairs and renovations

‘Mr. Mackintosh is with-out, sir.’

‘Without what?’

‘He is proceeding along the tradesman’s path.’

‘Oh, I see. Show him into the reception room, and lay on morning coffee if you would. I want to gauge the reaction of someone who knew my late aunt, to the newly hung visage!’

‘Very good, sir.’

When I entered the reception room, I found Cat sat half-facing the fireplace with his back to the view, experiencing the full impact of the infamous portrait which now occupied pride of place on the back wall. I took the seat opposite him.

‘I say, that’s rather fierce, having the old relative over your shoulder like that.’

‘You think so?’

‘I must say the artist did catch the default disapproval rather well. Have you had it cleaned?’

‘No, it’s just the effect of full sunlight. Anyway, I trust you’re here to give me an update on all matters of mutual interest.’

‘The garden is looking most impressive.’

‘Er, yes. We’re just recovering from two weeks of intensive treatment from the team that usually attends upon all woodwork projects at Checkley Manor.’

‘The new back gate works a treat, lockable again I notice. I say what happened to the bower.’

‘Ah, well, Murchison, our gardener, took advice to drastically prune it, more or less start again, with the warning that it, was almost certainly the only thing holding up the old frame. Such proved to be the case.’

‘It smells a bit odd.’

‘The new frame has been treated with something organic. You may also have noticed the rebuilt shed and the new cold frames?’

‘The gleaming paint was a bit of a give away. Traditional green, with white trim, very Victorian.’

‘Well, now.’

‘Well, what?’

‘I’m waiting.’

‘Ah…’ At which point we were interrupted by Charlie bringing in the coffee. ‘Well, it’s a job to know where to start sometimes.’

‘How’s the apartment?’

‘Fine, fine.’

‘Keeping in with “she who must be obeyed”?’

‘Absolutely. I must say that Jim is an interesting character, had a fascinating conversation with him about locks the other day.’

‘Really.’

Charlie seemed to have decided her presence might be required and had quietly pulled up one of her straight-backed chairs.

‘And your man Brinkley, he’s an odd fellow, still, thanks for all the tenancy stuff, being so generous with the rent and all that.’ And after another pause. ‘I say, I wandered by Jack’s garage the other week, thought it about time I became a bit more respectable regarding transport, he’s got an old Triumph that might suit…’

‘You are amongst friends Cat, you can spit it out, without fear of offence. Perhaps we should talk about the Park?’

‘Ah, now then. Barmy did diagnostics on the flight simulator before leaving again for the Navy. Apparently, what happen was that two of the pins sheered, which is what’s meant to happen under stress, therefore nothing important is bent out of shape. Only problem is, we have to wait upon him acquiring a new set personally, on the quiet, we can’t order them officially without giving away the ID of the machine and its current location, it you see what I mean?’

‘Indeed.’

‘The landscape architects and that chap from the council have been nosing around again. Apparently, there’s no problem about enhancing the perimeter and making it more secure, but when it comes to the public right of way, we’re expected to do better about signposts, the proposed diversion to avoid the threat of stray golf balls however, has to go before some sort of meeting.’

‘Well that all sounds okay. Dare I mention water?’

‘Good news and bad there, I’m afraid old man.’

‘Go on.’

‘I’ve been assiduous with my monitoring, it’s rather as you feared, setting aside the summit, as a one-off event, then the overall water level has held up. But not much margin for error. So, any idea of watering the golf course, or developing the stable block as private residences or indeed building a swimming pool will have to be knocked on the head. You might get away with a drinking fountain and a small aquatherapy pool though.’

‘Subject normal then.’

‘More or less.’

‘More or less?’

‘It being the silly season and all that, all the politicos are at home and hanging around the club, letting off steam, Frimley Coates, Rory Flotterton and Prudence, and there’s talk of Buffy and Carrie holidaying in the area!’

‘Ah, well, nice to be forewarned.’

‘I’m in the money again.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Two cheques, one is from The Beacon for the Crimean gold pictures, it should be made out to you really.’

‘No, no. I have no income other than from the Trust. It’ll do much more good boosting your coffers. What’s the other one?

‘A cheque for my latest article for The Countrywoman.’

‘Ah, excellent.’

‘You don’t seem surprised; she’s never paid me before.’

‘Well, you remember during our summer visit I spent sometime in deep conversation with Julia about the magazine, well the upshot was I persuaded her to start keeping real accounts and paying everyone properly for services rendered. I managed to get the message across, that until she did have real accounts, they’d never know how much the business was actually losing - but more importantly still, know the effect that recent changes have already made, and what would be needed to push them into real profit!’

‘What a charmer you are.’

‘Well not really, I merely gave her an assurance that the Trust would guarantee their overdraft for the time being.’

‘So, what is the real situation?’

‘Hard to say yet, but things are moving in the right direction.’

‘I can make another trip to see Archie then, find out what you’re all really up to!’

Autumn rain, as is the English habit in August, was falling on Kenneth as he defiantly laboured in the garden. Definitely a day for tea around the kitchen table, rather than the patio. Then I had an idea. ‘Charlie!’

‘Sir.’

‘Serve tea for Kenneth in the reception room today, if you please.’

‘I have already prepared the room.’

‘Good lord!’

‘I anticipated you’d be unable to resist the temptation, sir.’

‘You did, did you? You haven’t by any chance found out the truth in his assertion that the Aunt never paid him? His refusal to accept remuneration bothers me slightly.’

‘He continues to maintain, that it has always been a privilege, simply being here.’

‘Yes. He’s told me more than once his pension is adequate to meet his needs.’

‘A while ago, on our way to the garden centre, I picked him up at his home, it’s a modest flat but in rather a grand area with a grand view.’

‘Is it indeed. He remains, something of a man of mystery.’

‘Oh, my word, you have done her proud. You know, she was far too modest to have hung it there herself.’

‘Really?’

‘Indeed, it may be presumptuous of me to say so, but the two of you only saw the one side of her.’

‘You must feel free to enlighten us at any time.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I must say I still feel a little bad that we’re not paying you.’

‘Ah, but look how much you’ve invested in the garden in the short time you’ve been here. You encourage me to even greater efforts. There is, but perhaps I shouldn’t say...’

‘Oh, do feel free to speak.’

‘Well, as you might imagine its not been easy to maintain the Book Club of late, what with the pandemic and Elisabeth being such a powerful mainstay. We had the advantage of all being jabbed fairly early but even so we’ve only managed three scratch meetings thus far, we’re not really the kind of group to go Zoom.’

‘You have a proposal to make?’

‘Well, seeing her there, so resplendent in youth, emboldens me to ask whether you would allow me to continue hosting the club here, once in a way, perhaps especially on Boxing Day. With a little assistance from Sparkwell I’m sure we wouldn’t be inconveniencing you in any way.’

‘Kenneth, you have a way of putting things, that makes any refusal sound like bad form.’

‘Can I take that as a, yes?’