138: A walk in the park

‘He’s fast isn’t he, how come he’s so fast?’ I said, looking down to the end of the garden.

‘He’s young.’ Declared Charlie.

‘He’s always fast.’ Added Melisa, with a chuckle.

‘And he barely takes five minutes for tea!’

‘He’s always quick to recover too.’

‘Well answer me this Mel, given his height, how come he doesn’t have a stoop?’

‘He's had his spade customised, it's got a longer shaft. Always uses his own tools. Has quite a bag full in the van.’

‘Taken to chauffeuring him around I take it?’

‘We practically live in the van.’

‘Really.’

‘When I cleared out the back of all Mr Mackintosh’s stuff, Jack showed me his van, he has all this great flooring, he gave me a length off his roll.’

‘Does Jack know your father?’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘You should introduce them some time.’

‘Why?’

‘Has Jack explained all the computer electronics in his van?’

‘No, just says it’s all for driver assist, self-drive.’

‘Ah! Actually, it’s more about counter measures shall we say, that’s why I think your dad might be interested.’

‘But he’s official, whilst Jack is...’

‘Your father is an independent consultant, brought in because the state apparatus has trouble keeping up with the private economy, he lets them in on what he thinks they ought to know. Comprende?’

‘I think I might be beginning to!’

‘Why are we doing this?’

‘A walk in the woods, when have you ever been known to turn down a walk in the woods?’

‘Another, “inspecting the works” I meant.’

‘Because Brinkley is insisting on attending this afternoon’s board meeting to hammer home the need for tight accounting. And he will also be nervous about the degree to which the Trust has been lending to the Park company over the water works. I need to be well armoured against attack, not to mention uncle.’

We walked down from the back of the house, on top of the now refilled new trench. ‘It leaves quite a scar on the landscape.’ Observed Charlie, walking in front.

‘Yes, we need to stop people using it as a path, especially if we try and plant new stuff, might be a project for young Tim in due course.’

‘Is it all on a new alignment?’ She said, coming to a halt.

‘More or less.’ I replied, walking on. ‘Once the contractors had realised there was an easier gradient to be had, they were only too pleased not to dig out the old piping. It’s probably modern diggers that make it worth while going deeper to get a better lie, meaning the pump doesn’t have to work so hard.’

‘Hey!’ She said, her voice now a little distant. ‘If you look back, you can see intermittent patches of better tree growth, over there and there.’ I wandered back a step or two. ‘I’m sure that’s where there have been longstanding leaks.’

‘More money saved then.’

In time we reached the restored pumping station, the only point in the parkland where you can hear the flowing river before you see it.

‘Very smart. What’s that?’ She said, looking at a new grey panel in the wall.

‘One of Eltham’s battery storage things, fed from the solar panel on the roof, supplements the mains, covers power cuts as well.’ I fiddled with the keys borrowed from the office. ‘We’ve kept the old back-up generator; it’s just been reconditioned. It’s the electric pump that’s all new, latest computer controlled what’s it! Oh look, it looks just like it does in the catalogue.’

‘What’s the yellow, hazard, electric, nuclear sign thing on the door for?’

‘Oh, just there to keep the curious away. Well, everything looks to be in order. Seen enough?’

‘Expensive.’ She said as I locked-up.

‘It’ll last well beyond my lifetime.’

‘Depends how fast you intend to age. I need to keep you on your toes. Let’s go back another way, where it’s more secluded.’

Uncle and I took our pre-meet at the veranda bar as usual. He opened with; ‘You look flushed.’

‘Tight schedule today, scratch lunch.’

How’s Charlotte?’

‘Fine. She’s here about, somewhere.’

‘Never stops, eh?’

‘She has projects of her own.’

‘Rather putting you in the shade these days.’

‘I’m a contented consort. How’s Julia?’

‘Your aunt is worried about me, damn near stopped me driving here today.’ Then, after a pause; ‘I’m not so old, all things considered, a man’s as young as he feels.’

‘What’s happened?’

‘You know perfectly well. Look, I concede Mrs Gregson is happier now their cottage is done and hence Gregson goes about his business more contentedly, which makes all our lives easier. And, the brickworks, well I’d probably never have got around to it. You force the pace, fine. I know I’m slow, but I’m not incapable.’

‘Pace yourself.’

‘Quite. But why this separate company though, A & C Restorations?’

‘Well, it’s just Charlie and I, quite separate from the Trust. Therefore, in the fullness of time, A & C can merge with Checkley, or Checkley take it over. Maybe one just subsidises the other, but the point is, neither will be subsumed by the Trust. Over time my influence over them is bound to wane.’

‘I see, and ultimately the Park might be more secure too.’

‘Indeed.’

‘Anyway, you’ll be with us within the week, we can talk more then. The two of you are going to be busy, there’s much to be done.’

‘Ah! Small fly in the ointment. Charlie’s parents will be roaming the county looking for a retirement property, we may have to take some time out.’

‘Damn!’

As we left the bar via the lounge, Ada Armitage could be seen deep in conversation with none other than Brinkley. I froze on the spot. Then I remembered the two had met over the matter of the railway station which never had trains. Larry looked distinctly sheepish as we approached their table.

‘Good afternoon young man.’ Ada said with a glint in her eye; ‘I’ve just been asking Lawrence, I may call you that, may I?’

‘Of course, dear lady.’

‘I was just asking Lawrence what he thought my shares might be worth, I shan’t break a confidence by telling you his reply, but I wonder what you think they’re worth Anthony?’

I was acutely aware of uncle’s presence beside me and Brinkley, glaring; ‘Whatever a worthy recipient is prepared to pay.’ It was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment.

‘Most gallant.’ She replied.

‘We’re in the club committee room when you’re done.’

The business of the meeting seemed to take an age. Uncle took the chair as usual. I reported on the water pipe, the pumping station and the cost. I offered my view on the loan, the period of extension for repayments and a reasonable interest rate that the Park could afford, and I hoped the Trust would approve. Uncle looked pleased, Brinkley bristled. Lawrence then let off steam by outlining the discipline that the responsible staff must show in their accounting methods.

He then surprised us all saying; ‘Finally, changing the subject entirely, I’d like to take the opportunity of informing the board that the Arlington Trust has had a letter from our, other university.’ He then produced said item and began to read aloud; ‘From the “Faculty of Agriculture and Rural Sustainability, Floor Ten, Drake’s Tower, City Campus”. It’s from the “Placements and Apprenticeships Officer” of the “School of Horticulture”, which as we all know is actually located at the opposite end of the county, but they are of course looking to place students, I’m about to send out copies to all parts of the Trust, but I thought I’d just let you know...’

‘Well, I’ll be damned! The lad’s even better organised than I’d imagined. I’ll draft the reply thank you Brinkley.’

122: In the swing of it

Despite Charlie’s assertion that Cat Mackintosh would have no time-off from organising the golf, nonetheless I found him loitering one day in the veranda bar at the club. ‘What ho, what ho, my old former companion at arms!’

‘Oh, hello Tony.’

‘You look a little glum, my old son. Don’t tell me, the hassle of the golf tournament has induced a mood of melancholy.’

‘No, no. Its Annabella, she wants me to raise something with you, might be a bit of a thorny issue.’

‘Steel yourself, old friend of my youth.’

‘Fact is, she wants to sell number forty-two.’

‘Makes sense.’

‘But she’s worried about security of tenure at your apartment. I mean we’ve got used to it, it’s much more desirable than forty-two, but you’re hardly in a position to guarantee that low rent for ever, I mean you don’t actually own it do you, your trust does.’

‘Yes, we’ve retained it since my father’s day. Though there’s no real reason to now. I say, Annabella isn’t selling because you’re short of the readies?’

‘No, just surplus to requirements.’

‘Well then, why don’t you buy a lease on my apartment?’

‘We’re not that flush old man! The place is the envy of all the other residents, and if it’s never been on the market, the price could sky rocket.’

‘But Cat, you know the owner, you’re the sitting tenant. Persuade me to persuade the trustees to let you have it, for whatever price you get for forty-two.’

There was a definite pause for thought; ‘What do you want?’

‘What I want is Northcott Electrics, I've found a worthy home for it.’

‘Who?’

‘A young person who'll appreciate its value.’

‘But it’s not road worthy anymore.’

‘Well get Jack to pick it up, commission him to do whatever is necessary to bring it up to scratch, then transfer ownership to me before the bill is due. Then you’ll be free and clear, Annabella won't have to know you’ve been hanging on to it all this time, and I won’t tell anyone at the Park where you've been stashing it. Then I can go to work on the Trust.’

Cat gave me one of his old-time, subordinates, sideways glances; ‘How do you know all this? On second thoughts don’t bother. I’ve long ago accepted I must look like a bit of a duffer to the likes of you and Barmy. Besides, I can't think of a catch?’

‘That’s because there isn't one. There is one condition though, you stay off your device and let me break the bad news to the despicable soul who has been breaking the terms of their lease by sub-letting their car port to you.’

Then I wandered off towards the spa. Fiona was doing her rounds, seemingly interrogating the girl on the desk. ‘I say, has Mrs Armitage been across today?’

‘She’s practicing her putting Mr Arlington. Hole number two.’

‘Excellent.’ I strode forth to the second green.

I let her hole-out, then opened with; ‘All set to defend your title?’

‘You didn’t walk out all this way to talk sport.’ She replied, turning to face me.

‘Oh, I don’t know.’ Then, after a momentary pause; ‘Cat Mackintosh is a sentimental old fool.’ A micro-expression of fear showed across her face. Ada was a good ten years older than me, I must be careful how I trod.

‘Can’t say I know him well.’

‘I, on the other hand, have known him since youth. A little old white van may look inconspicuous in a crowd of vehicles, but with a car cover thrown over it, in the car port of someone known for being a non-driver these days...’

‘And I’m a sucker for a sob story, that your point?’

‘Damn it Ada, you were there observing when uncle and I rubber stamped the additional clauses to your leases regarding the stables and the walled garden.’

‘Are you here to destroy my happiness, or are you angling for a deal?’

‘Oh! I still owe you, just not as much as before. Come on, let me buy you a stiffener. After all, we need you on top form, someone is bound to be betting on you.’

‘You, are impeding my schedule. And you’re giving the game away having both of us parked side by side in the car park.’ So declared Charlie, as I was boosting Ada's self-esteem at the bar.

‘I shall be gone in a jiffy; I have no desire to hear your golfing woes. However, when I spoke to Cat earlier it occurred to me, that the next membership committee is coming up, and that you might be the better person to urge him to make Archie's application his top priority.’

‘That’s true. Okay, but be gone!’

I was as good as my word, avoiding the Park for the duration of other peoples ‘marvellous mania’. On the quiet I liaised with Jack regarding Cat, and with Bernard regarding Barmy. According to Charlie recent rainfall patterns had been good for the Park, upping the quality of the grass and making everyone feel their game must surely be improving! But for me, it was water off a duck’s back. It wasn’t until our dance night was underway that life got interesting again. Whilst others were tweeting about the dancefloor performances of minor celebs, I was struck by the appearance of the family Gruber out on mass. All four of them, plus a young lad they appeared to have in tow, were dressed in serious nineteen twenties raiment. Melisa in particular, now sported the bob of a flapper!

Then I was distracted by the band’s vocalist taking up the challenge of; ‘Dapper Dan was a very handy man on the train that ran through Dixie, made the beds and everything, all you had do was ring...’

‘Take me away from all this Tony.’ I felt Daphne take my arm. I led her first to the bar, then out to the pond in the moonlight. ‘I feel shell-shocked by the last few weeks.’

‘I can imagine.’

‘First Daddy gone, then... I suppose you’ve always known?’

‘Known what?’

‘What league Barmy’s family were in?’

‘Yes, which is why I was anxious to get your affairs managed by my people at the old bank, and get Mel trained up a bit for the future. She has enterprise that one.’

‘You can say that again. The day after we got probate it was her eighteenth birthday. At the next meeting with your Mr Merriweather, and the other one, Brinkley, she told them she’d take the entire amount in the form of a cheque. I half expected her to have left home the following morning.’

‘Blame me for that, via Charlie. That cheque is her introductory letter to the man known throughout the county as “the banker”. He’s the man I said good evening to a moment ago in the bar. Mel will be, the nearest thing we see, to an heiress! Talking of which, why are you all so, seriously dressed-up, I know it’s always a themed evening, but nonetheless.’

‘Melisa’s birthday treat.’

‘Ah! Now, talking of treats, you’ll be pleased to know that Mel will not suddenly be appearing one day with a classic sports car from Jack’s garage. Let’s just say I have my own birthday treat in mind for her.’

‘Oh no! What?’

‘Now don’t panic. I am in the process of facilitating the ultimate in inconspicuous motoring. Bye the way, who’s the young lad with your party this evening?’

‘Goes by the name of Timothy, a hanger-on of Melisa’s from the college.’

‘Really, is he her love interest?’

‘God knows! She calls him her spare man. He just started following her around apparently, she told him, she didn’t mind as long as he made himself useful. Wants to get into the horticultural college.’

‘Oh, well. He could be of use to all of us then.’

121: Wet weekend

‘I thought we were all meant to be taking a picnic.’ Said Charlie with an ironic tone as she stared out of the kitchen window at steady rainfall.

‘Not that you’ve made any preparations anyway.’

‘I ordered two packed lunches to be collected from the club en route.’

‘Of course. Still the forecast from my device is still saying sunshine and showers.’

‘Better make a move, it we’re to be at Ada’s in time for coffee. You’ll lock-up after me?’

‘Just hang on a sec whilst I find a bag to protect our copy of From Cattle Rustlers to Courtiers.’

We left the car at the club. The packed lunches and the book went in Charlie’s knapsack and we donned waterproofs from the boot. The soggy parkland shone bright green as the sky showed signs of clearing. ‘People are sleeping-out at Royal Oak now.’ Said Charlie.

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well, there are a couple of sun loungers on the patio, if you have a sleeping bag you’re allowed to sleep out, tents are allowed too, provided they come down before breakfast. The house is strictly no alcohol, no tobacco, no drugs, so the garden can be a sort of reception centre when need be.’

‘Excellent. Right then, time to watch and learn, as the master does his work once more.’

‘Very good, sir.’

Ada was opening the door as we walked up her path.

‘I must say that Mr Brinkley of yours is an odd fellow.’ Said Ada, as we settled with our drinks in the lounge.

‘Yes, people often say that, still the signing went off without a hitch?’

'Oh indeed, but I’m still not clear why I had to go through the whole charade of appearing to represent your trust, rather than the railway?’

‘Credibility, legitimacy. Both the owner and the local authority preferred to see such a listed property sold to a rich organisation with a track record in restoration. As yet, the preserved railway is neither.’

‘But there’ll be some advantage in it for Tony, you can be sure.’ Asserted Charlie.

‘Such cynicism in one so young! No, we will carry the cost of returning the building to what it once was, then pass it on to the new railway. Should they have difficulty raising the cash, perhaps we’ll take it in increased shares.’

‘See what I mean?’

‘Well, you look out for yourself Charlotte. You can imagine what board meetings here at the Park are like, Tony and his uncle slugging it out, me thinking am I the only voice of common sense.’

‘Actually, Charlie has the advantage there, uncle thinks the sun shines out of her whatever.’

‘Anyway, Brinkley kindly made me a copy of the sale documents.’ Said Ada, reaching over for a file. She handed me the uppermost sheet.

‘Ah! Yes. I concede, that is a very competitive price. I owe you Ada. How may I be of service? Cash in hand? Perhaps I should be thinking of paying your club fees and account again next year?’

‘Well, I must give that some thought. Today, I confess, I’m somewhat pre-occupied with how much those of us at the bungalows can appeal to the generosity of the Park company regarding the internal restoration of the walled garden.’

‘Charlie! The book, if you please.’

‘Of course one has to ask how reliable uncle’s research really was, he never saw it in its heyday?’

‘Here we go.’ Mumbled Charlie.

‘We can settle this simply by considering the practical needs of those who will use it.’ Said Ada. ‘No one, is asking for heating in the greenhouse, nor any more water than we can carry. Although there is one principal, I think we must adhere to. We mustn’t allow people to become possessive and divide the whole area up as if it were allotments, otherwise the advantages of the soil and the micro climate at different spots will be totally lost.’

‘Agreed. And so, the practical issues are?’

‘Age and disability. We don’t want to lose the essential character but, no one, not even your ground staff, want to be constantly weeding paths. Nor do any of us want to be worrying about going up and down steps all the time.’

‘Yes. A permanent gravel coloured surface to the paths would be okay, though I think the location of the paths must stay, also the staggered steps down the centre. Perhaps a wheelchair friendly perimeter path, with a gentle gradient would work.’

‘Right, well for the rest of it, we’d better join the others.’

I was assured by Ada that the half dozen or so other residents who turned-out were the keen gardeners, those, who given half a chance, would be out here every day. The finished brick work looked most impressive, especially the greenhouse with the addition of the metal lattice work which would hold the glass of the roof and support the remote winding devices for opening and closing. I was able to show everyone a manufacturer’s photo of the windows, installed elsewhere up country. People were kind enough to say that at least they didn’t look like plastic windows!

I hope I didn’t end up sounding too much like a politician. But the questions came thick and fast as we sat on the steps consuming lunch. Giving an affirmative yes to every suggestion would have bankrupted us. I kept looking across at Ada, hoping what I said was broadly in line with what she already knew to be the limits. The whole process was quite cognitively demanding.

‘When everything is done Tony, do you think your people would go over everything once with their rotary cultivator, taking out obvious rubble, before you hand things over?’

‘Sounds sense to me Ada.’

‘There is the question of seating?’ Said another.

‘Ah! Yes, I should tell you that we are hoping, once a design is approved, to put in an order for perhaps thirty or so traditional park bench style seats for throughout the Park. We’re already thinking of one for your bus stop, as well as one for the stop at the main carpark. Perhaps we should earmark a couple for here too. Although of course that shouldn’t prevent you supplying your own, if they prove less than ideal. Though I think we should draw the line at sun loungers!’ That drew a mild titter from my audience.

‘Well, if that’s all the questions we have, may I offer my collective thanks to Tony for his generosity on behalf of the Park company.’

‘Well, thank you Ada.’ It was her cue for us to bugger-off, so we did.

On the walk back to the car Charlie asked; ‘Did Ada stiff you over the purchase of the station that never had trains?’

‘Not in the least, she went above and beyond, the final sale price was well below budget. I’ll use her services again.’

‘But surely you should be handsomely rewarding her now, not be in her debt?’

‘Not even if she enjoys me owing her?’

‘I don't get it.’

‘Power, Charlie, power. After all, one never knows in what form she might wish to be paid.’

At which point I was saved from even greater explanation by the ping of her work phone; ‘Cat’s back.’

‘Ah! A chance for a bit of a catch up then.’

‘There’ll be no time for that. He and I wilI be full-time on Pro-Am golf for the next few weeks. Especially with Dance Night falling on the final day. We’re hoping celebs will stop over for that.’

‘Oh my God!’

115: The gift of Christmas

‘Pray silence for the Monarch of the Glen!’ Said the club secretary, tired and emotional as usual on Christmas Eve.

‘I say, steady-on old man.’ Replied Cat Mackintosh, as he rose to his feet. ‘I have to tell you I don’t have a title as such, merely an office. It’s been handed down for many generations now, but that’s just a convention, it doesn’t have to be that way. For anyone who’s curious may I refer you to Lord Lyon King of Arms. But my real purpose in speaking today is to introduce our guest speaker, a man who has become familiar to you all over the last year or so. Distinguished at the Bar, by his, well, lack of distinguished-ness! A man who throughout his career defended the unfashionable defenceless, and therefore has remained forever a junior barrister. I give you Henry Walpole!’

As the applause died down, Harry began; ‘Members of the jury, you have heard all the evidence set before you by the prosecution in this case, it now falls upon me... Oh I’m sorry, force of habit. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... No, that’s how my father began all his speeches. Ladies and gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking... Well, I really can’t get away with that one! I know, how about. It gives me the greatest honour, to propose a vote of thanks to you all for letting me through the door. I must confess that throughout my humble career, I’ve been somewhat dismissive of institutions such as this. Dismissing them as full of status hungry social wannabes, who were really only there to cultivate connections either for the sake of getting more work or a better, richer, sort of client. Thankfully, you are a kind of corrective to all that, a counterculture perhaps, an antidote that provides a place to regain one’s sanity in a world gone mad.’

A low rumble of ‘hear, hear’ could be heard from the would be jury.  I was sat with Helene, whilst Charlie was paired with Walpole. ‘He’s quite a character in action, don’t you think?’ Spoke Helene.

‘So, I always imagined.’

‘Silence in court!’

‘Really, Walpole!’

‘My wife Helene, your Lordships, a stalwart supporter and companion down the years, but who really needs no support in this court of appeal. But to return to argument, these convivial surroundings offer a haven of peace as far in time and space as it seems possible to get these days from a country with twice as many people, and twice as many cars, plus four times as many pets as in my youth. And not a windmill in sight!’ Now the jury was starting to bang the table. ‘I must say the solar panels on the roof are very discreet. I know this because on days when I’m confined to home, I’ve discovered the club portal. The addition of drone photography, which complements the existing walk through the park and the three D, digital interior, offer, well, I hesitate to say it, but almost a meditative experience. I confess I’m often tempted to reach for a glass of the old cooking claret. And for one who started out in life in a vast, un-heat-able Church of England vicarage, where on winter mornings it was not uncommon to find ice forming on the inside of windows, both the virtual and real club are remarkably cosy. Life, throws together the most unlikely of characters and coincidences. I first appeared before you, as a guest of Don Wooley, who had been kind enough over the years to promote my notoriety by publishing somewhat lurid accounts of my more notable criminal cases. In many of these, I found myself up against a most disagreeable prosecutor who would insist, during regular breaks in proceedings, on telling me about the alleged activities of what he called his wayward daughter, described in much the same language he used towards the prisoner at the bar. I regret to have to tell you, that daughter was none other than your own Charlie Sparkwell.’ This brought forth gasps from the jury, and cries of ‘shame’. ‘I could go on and mention many of you, but I understand Christmas speeches are intended to be short. I shall end therefore, by simply confirming the rumour that I was that barrister, with the bad taste to attack the police evidence offered by one WPC Sonia Wainwright on her first appearance down the Bailey, now known to you all as Chief Constable Wainwright.’ More gasps from the jury. ‘Your lordships, ladies and gentlemen, please stand and raise a glass to yourselves, I give you, the club!’

I’d noticed Ada slip away from the table immediately the toasts came to a close. I found her sat by the fire. ‘I hope you realise you are sitting in a seat once occupied by a former Chancellor of Germany. I shall now sit here, where once a US president sat.’

‘How do you know? We were all banned from the club back then. And I was barely allowed outside my own front door!’

‘They needed our security cameras, they couldn’t shut me down, without shutting themselves down, happy days.’

‘I was rather counting on you being here today.’

‘You have something to report?’

‘What’s it worth to you?’

‘Ah!’ And after a pause; ‘When’s your membership renewal due, and the settling of your account, obviously?’

‘Couple of months.’

‘When it arrives, let me know, I’ll come over, pick up the chitty, and miraculously return within the hour with your new card.’

‘Umm. Not sure what I know is worth quite that much, yet. Is that how you got Walpole on side?’

‘Well, more Mrs Walpole to be precise.’

‘Oh! I was talking to her earlier, fearsome woman. Anyway, if you’re willing to do that I'll just keep going and we can argue about appropriate recompense at the end of it.’

‘You’re sounding like you know, you hold all the cards?’ I smiled.

‘My problem maybe persuading you though. Things only make sense with the right, historical mind-set. I didn’t get it, until on my second visit I inadvertently got inside the hotel on the other side of the Square.’

‘Go on.’

‘The existing railway owns and runs the passenger ferry and is responsible for the jetty. The local authority controls the riverside, there are two kiosks that need eliminating and the jetty has to go back to being adjacent to the booking office window in the outer end wall.’

‘I’m listening.’

‘Once upon a time, the whole layout of the hotel ground floor was orientated towards that booking office window. The lounge, bar, reception. The booking office had a telephone link direct to the signal box on the other side of the river, but most of the calls came from hotel reception. If you were sat in the right place in the lounge, you could see the comings and goings at the booking office window, the way across the square and around the inner harbour thingy for the hotel porter with a cadet’s trunk or first-class passenger’s luggage was obvious to see.’

‘Hotel was hub of the town; college, hotel, ferry, train. But surely the officer cadets had a halt of their own and a little ferry directly opposite the college?’

‘Only when travelling with other cadets with a barracks bag, holdall thing. Hotel was where parents stayed, where ward room etiquette was learned. The hotel is still the centre for the council, local business people, the people you need. Cars and buses take them around the houses, spoil the view, to destinations only occasionally desired.’

‘You’re telling me, getting the town on side is more important than the cost of the building?’

‘Put the building back to what it once was, you put the town back.’

‘I’m paying you for information, not for getting the building at their price to you!’

‘Maybe in the end it’ll all be one and the same thing.’

108: The strange affair at the Dissipated Kipper

‘I suppose you know all about this?’ So said Charlie, head in tablet, as I entered the kitchen for my restorative morning coffee.

‘Well...’

‘And Don’s been less than frank.’

‘In fairness he didn’t know he was on the verge of a major exclusive until after the pictures were taken. For what it’s worth, I think your pics are better, should be a nice little earner.’

‘That’s not the point! I almost feel sorry for Buffy now, it’s not quite cricket.’

‘But then I’m no gentleman player. Still, there’s a free lunch in it for us, if it works.’

‘If what works?’

‘Carrie wants Buffy gone.’

‘Clearly!’

‘This way, Buffy, I predict, leaves her, stomps out in high dudgeon. Carrie reckons if she threw him out, he wouldn’t go quietly.’

‘Male ego.’

‘That’s the plan. And some extra cash for her to oil the wheels when she takes hands-on control of the pub once more. An outcome devoutly to be wished by the regular punters, so I’m told.’

‘Ada! Good morning, good morning.’

‘Here to fleece an old widow?’

‘Only of a cup of tea, if there’s one going.’

‘Come in quick, lest you be seen loitering.’

I was shown politely into the living room. I few minutes later tea appeared. ‘Congratulations on your golf by the way, officially top senior, not to be sniffed at.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Now then, what’s all this about you being strapped for cash?’

‘It may seem selfish in a cost-of-living crisis, but I’ve rather got use to my creature comforts. I’ve been doing the accounts. Things don’t quite add up.’

‘Right, so it’s not a one-off debt, you’re just short of a few thousand a year?’

‘What I’m short of is peace of mind. I’d actually have to sell-off quite a lot to generate the interest I’d need.’

‘Right. Well, to begin at the beginning. If push comes to shove, you should let yourself go into arrears on the management fees and or your club membership, because, at the end of the day, one or both could be claimed for from your estate. No one is going to throw you out whilst you have assets. Don’t get behind on basics like food, transport, utilities etc. And hold on to your shares until you want to sell them. I’d much prefer you took on a few commissions on the side.’

‘You want me to work for you?!’

‘Please, nothing so crude, but in my world, I can put a monetary value on almost anything...’

‘You do want me to hustle for you.’

‘Ada! Nothing that would leave you feeling in the least bit compromised.’

‘Your uncle is right to have doubts about you.’

‘You have the quiet, unobtrusive observational skills of a certain Miss Jane Marple - I can use that.’

‘I’m not some sort of honorary male!’

‘No, no, quite.’

‘I mean, I don’t mind being one of the chaps in public, but you know...’

‘Of course, must grate at times.’

‘I mean wearing these clothes, driving you around all the time, I get propositioned by enough women as it is.’

‘So, one would imagine.’

‘I just need a lot of old-fashioned straight attention.’

‘I’ll see what can be arranged.’

We were on our way to the Dissipated Kipper to claim our free lunch and hear how much truth there was in the Don’s version of Carrie’s version of life with Buffy and discover the fallout. Beyond the fact that Buffy had gone, we were in the dark.

‘Watch and learn Charlie, watch and learn.’

‘We have been here before; in case you’d forgotten.’

‘I know but I want you to appreciate that the country was once littered with blue-eyed, buxom blondes, leaning forward on beer sodden bars, showing all they’d got, and winking at the punters. The traditional barmaid is a very different kind of persuasion than your, barista-style waitressing. But no less effective for all that. Aye, aye, she’s coming over.’

‘One cod and chips and one plant-based platter, well on their way, may I join you?’

‘Naturally, it’s your bar!’

‘I know, it’s a good feeling, how’s the six-X?’

‘Excellent.’

‘Takings are up already. When Don realised what I wanted the money for, he said best forget the Downing Street stuff, and focus on the sexual shenanigans around here and at the cottage. The man’s a genius, we’re packed again and the regulars are only too glad to see the back of Buffy. Can’t imagine why I’m so popular again!’

‘Yes. The Beacon, family newspaper that it is, has to make the most of innuendo and the double entendre.’

‘Not sure I’d be so happy being so frank though.’ Mused Charlie.

‘Well, I’ve been around the block so much darling, seen it all I suppose, still all that play-acting stuff he used to insist on. I think he needed it all though, you know, to get aroused in the first place. I used to tell him; “relax, put yourself in the hands of an expert”, but it didn’t really work like that for him. Do you think it’s having puberty at a public school that brings on the kinky side, Tony?’

‘Well...’

‘Can't say I've noticed.’ Commented my companion.

‘Well no, not you Tony, always straight down, to business...’

‘What's happened to Fluffy?’ Interceded Charlie.

‘Told him to take the grubby thing with him. That was another bone of contention.’

‘How so?’

‘I wanted him outside, doing something useful, ratting, round the back of here.’

‘Where are they now?’

‘No idea.’

It wasn’t long before Buffy’s location became only too apparent. ‘How long can he afford a bedroom for?’ Asked Charlie as we motored to the Park.

‘Who knows. Still, the rulebook says you can only stay up to one calendar month.’

‘Rory’s Whitehall watchdog committee report is due out today; will he have seen it?’

‘Oh yes.’

We went our separate ways at the carpark.

Buffy snatched open the bedroom door so quickly, my hand was left raised in mid-air. ‘Oh! It’s you Anthony, I rather expected one of the staff, Fluffy has gone walkabout.’

‘Where did you see him last?’

‘Lost track of him coming in after our run.’ Which explained the rugby shirt, pre-war footer bags and essence of dog. ‘You’d better come in, I’m half way through the Flotterton Report, almost ten months and nearly a hundred pages, surprised he had the attention span. He’s a treacherous bastard. Prudence putting ideas in his head, she never liked me. You can have the turncoat back now. I’ll be full-time in the constituency, saving my seat! Have the Press turned-up yet, someone is bound to leak?’

‘Not as yet. You could hole-up here for up to a month without falling foul of the club, though I can’t promise the same for Fluffy.’

‘I’ll be gone within days. No, the Press are a minor irritant, one still has friends in Cabinet. Was that contact in Transport any use to you?’

‘Too early to say, we’re playing a long game.’

‘Can’t see why you’d be interested in steam trains, no money in it. Quite the reverse, unless that’s the point?’

‘We, had lunch with Carrie.’

‘You can have her back as well. Swop her for Charlie, eh?’

‘Ah, most amusing.’

‘What are you doing here anyway?’

‘Some of the chaps are concerned for your welfare.’

He paused, looked me up and down. ‘Really? We’re both just a couple of middle-class grafters, you and I. I’ll grant you give the finer performance, the tailored suit, fresh buttonhole. But some of that lot down below, are still obsessed with the outworn fetishes of a purblind social system.’

‘Rank is but the guinea stamp.’

‘How did you know I was going to say that?’

‘It’s a quote!’

‘But I just made it up.’

‘It’s Wodehouse!’

‘It is?’

‘The only author I’ve ever seen you reading. I’ll leave you alone now, so long Buffy.’

87: I am not worthy

‘Be so good as to bring the car around Sparkwell, I’ve been invited to lunch at the club.’ There was no response, her head remained in a letter she’d been studying for sometime; ‘Not bad news I hope?’

‘Er, no. I don’t think so, here, you check it out.’

After a moment of contemplation, I said; ‘Well, may I be the first to offer my congratulations. You have ascended to the first rung of the ladder of respectability.’

‘But how has it happened?’

‘Well, as it explains, you were nominated by someone in your local community who feels your contribution should be recognised.’

‘Not you, then?!’

‘No, and they will want to remain anonymous, so you don’t make enquiries. Anyway, the details they provide get checked out by others.’

‘And this medal, isn’t it the lowest of the low?’

‘Yes, but that is the way it is meant to be. You are relatively young, the Crown hopes you will be encouraged to continue your good works, and in time, higher honours will come your way. As with all honours however, the system doesn’t always work, and some people’s contribution isn’t obvious at the time, so they suddenly get a high honour late in life. And of course, there are ways of bestowing honour posthumously.’

‘This wasn’t the Chief Constable then?’

‘I very much doubt it, at least in her official capacity, it was the fact that last time the idea came from above, that got her back up! And the more she is forced to fall-in with us, the more her seething resentment will grow, I should imagine. Although it must be said, her antipathy towards you is a lot less than it is towards me.’

‘You haven’t got a letter, why not?’

‘I don’t expect one. Most people believe I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, giving back is rather expected, and accepted as their due. “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than...” Besides, you have the advantage; “joy shall be in heaven over one sinner who repents...”

‘I’ll bring the car around.’

‘Anyway, I shall stand ready to be your consort as required.’ I continued thinking aloud as we motored into the countryside. ‘You’ll probably get your award from the Lord Lieutenant of the county, and your name will go on the Palace Garden Party list, there to mingle with whichever royal has drawn the short straw.’

‘Not Her Majesty then?’

‘No, not with her limited mobility these days. Unless of course she chooses to use her new buggy, she’s never been the sort of monarch that likes her public to parade before her.’

‘Whose giving you lunch?’

‘Frimley Coates.’

‘What does he want?’

‘I have absolutely no idea.’

‘Order what you will, my dear fellow.’

‘Well, thank you Frimley.’

‘I’ll come straight to business, then we can enjoy our food.’

‘Indeed; “When I pray, I pray. When I eat, I eat”.’

‘Saint Teresa of Avila, nice to know you appreciate the point. Er, the Prime Minister and I wanted you to know about a slight change of strategy.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘It was awfully decent of you to but in a word regarding a seat in the Commons, but we’ve concluded that it would all just take too long.’

‘I see.’

‘He wants me in government, indeed in the cabinet. Well, with Her Majesty’s gracious consent of course, and I realise I am not worthy - I shouldn’t really be telling you this but I know how discrete you are - the fact is I’m to be elevated, a little young some will say I’m sure, to the peerage.’

‘Well, let me be the first to congratulate you. You have no ambitions to lead the party?’

‘Oh, goodness, what a flatterer you are Anthony. No, I hardly think I’d unite the party, do you?’

‘Perhaps not. I say, not wishing to put a damper on things and all that, but working in the Cabinet Office as you do, you’ve not been caught up in Rory’s committee’s enquiries into conduct-under-Covid?’

‘Oh, goodness no. One was investigated of course, we all were. But I was able to offer an exemplary account of myself.’

‘Really!’

‘It’s my habit to arrive early and leave early. The church in recent years has been forced to take extra security measures, I was found, at all the times in question, to be in contemplation of less earthly pleasures.’

‘Unlike all the other Mr Cummings and Mr Gowing’s of this world.’

‘Indeed.’

‘What exactly will your job be?’

‘Well, more or less the same as now, but with the authority to implement.’

‘Anything with post-Brexit constitutional implications, which is almost everything, should you wish to make it so.’

‘Yes, rather neat, all in all.’

‘You can be a scourge on whoever.’

‘Who is that lady your companion is talking to?’ Asked Frimley over coffee.

‘Ada.’

‘Ada?’

‘Mrs Armitage, she owns one of the bungalows, hangs out here quite a lot, she’s actually one of the remaining small investors in the Park company. Didn’t realise Charlie knew her. Oh, good lord, I’ve just had a thought, no, silly idea.’

‘Go on, spit it out, confession is good for the soul.’

‘Well as you might have guessed Charlie is a real going concern these days, and so she’s beginning to acquire some savings, and her financial advisor has been urging her to make investments. As a result, only the other day, I tried to point out the ground rules. But I also said, if she wasn’t motivated by profit, but sort influence, then being a small investor could at times be extraordinarily effective, and there she is, getting cosy with a prime example.’

‘How much of the Park remains with small investors?’

‘Eight per cent.’

‘Ah well, not such a bad idea to start with an organisation you know really well.’

‘Not for me it isn’t, not when you know the testamentary intentions of the other principal shareholders!’

‘Ada, how are you?’

‘Oh, middling I’d say, and you, young man?’

‘Bearing up, bearing up. I don’t mean to interrupt your conversation, but I just wished to enquire whether the newsletter on future developments at the bungalows made sense?’

‘Oh, yes, indeed. Very exciting, especially since it won’t cost us a penny! Phase one; fibre optics, tarmac round the back and proper fencing by the end of the summer, jolly good. The timing of the rest is a bit vague though.’

‘Well, we just don’t know how much repair or rebuilding of brickwork will be needed at the stables and in the walled garden.’

‘A few of us have been having a bit of a poke about recently. We think the greenhouse at the far end can be saved, by using material from the more wrecked one.’

‘Excellent! I’ll see what the builder thinks.’

‘Of course, your uncle’s book goes into some detail, that should be some guide when it comes to the look of the place. Now then, Charlotte here has been telling me about all the advantages of being better connected, electronically that is...’

‘Oh, and whilst I think of it, have you tried the new bus service?’

‘Yes indeed. Very nice bus. Very nice driver. But I think you might be missing a trick, Anthony.’

‘Oh, really. That’s interesting.’

‘You must ask the driver about passenger’s final destinations.’

‘Ah, fine tuning the route you mean?’

‘Bit unimaginative just running a shuttle service too. It should be a circular route for parts of the journey, you can take in a lot more, but hardly add to the journey time.’

‘Thank you, Ada, you’re a great help.’

‘So, what did Frimley want in the end?’

‘I’m not allowed to say. I didn’t know you knew Ada.’

‘No, not really, most enlightening chat though.’

‘What did she have to say?’

‘She spoke in confidence.’