Thursday 29 December 2022

93: Panic

‘All done, Mr Cleverly.’ I spoke. ‘And I can quite appreciate the bank’s desire to move on, I’ll do what I can to expiate matters.’ Back in Archie’s office I was met by expectant smiles. ‘Well, we mustn’t delay the staff Charlie, onward and upward.’

Back in the street; ‘Well?’

‘Bit of luck that, being able to just breeze in, I quite thought such arrangements were a thing of the past, there was no indication as to how many boxes were still in use, so to speak.’

‘You know damn well what I meant. Are we now the possessors of a wad of escape cash, several false identities and an automatic pistol?’

‘You really are quite romantic when you want to be. No, none of that, just more notebooks and old documents, masses of them, they weigh a ton! So, to the Villa, for as long as it takes for me to do an initial assessment of the two bags.’

‘Archie was really quite nervous.’

‘He shouldn’t be, they have us and we have them. In the fullness of time a local media event, highlighting our discoveries, might solve their problem.’

‘But surely, they could just get the police and some sort of officer of the court and the crooks are busted.’

‘You’re still not getting this. Remember your heuristics. Separate in your mind; empathy, feeling what others feel, from “theory of mind”; the realisation that others think differently from you. The bank, are bricking themselves over what is in the boxes of the honest punters, okay?’

‘But?’

‘Just suppose the bank does decide to end the service and open the boxes, the owners of the contents are anonymous and most probably long dead. The crooked stuff? Ten per cent at most. The vast majority is the property, if they only knew it, of well to do and influential locals - jewels, historic artefacts, documents giving title to, investment certificates of one sort or another. Some of the best of the city was flattened in the war, killing their owners. Before you know it, multiple multi-million-pound lawsuits from people claiming to be the rightful owners of the same stuff!’

‘And you think you can gain kudos by helping them avoid all that by publicising something you don’t actually know anything about yet!’

‘Just thinking ahead.’


‘We need to tell Julia something! It’s getting late.’

‘Er, text; “MT frail but okay, hope to return by tomorrow evening”.’

Charlie was towering over me as I was trying to make sense of our cache of documents by arranging them on the floor of the media room. ‘Done. Now, what have we got?’ She asked.

‘In essence, Mr Tufnell’s name on title deeds for numerous properties, across the entire county it would seem, but what’s odd is these are piddling bits of land. Mainly brown field sites, occasionally built on. I can’t see rhyme nor reason to any of it.’

‘Someone must know.’

‘Sure. But which of his contemporaries would be in the know? And how to get them to talk?’


On our way back to the manor, we couldn’t resist dropping-in at the Park. There was raucous laughter and cheering emanating from the bar. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Buffy’s gone.’

‘Gone where?’

‘Sacked, thrown-out, they’ve deserted him. He’s gone too far. The right-thinking element have told him to walk.’ Said one of Buffy’s long-time critics.

‘I see.’

‘Glass of bubbly old man?’

‘I’ll just stick with the black coffee, if it’s all the same, need to keep a clear head.’

We retreated to the lounge, only to be confronted by Prudence, pacing the ground before the hearth.

‘It’s the end, certain defeat at the next election, money gone, Rory jobless, hopeless, the shame of it, Tony you’ve got to help, I’ll do anything, I’m begging you.’

‘You need to show patience, Prudence.’

‘What?’

‘You’re local, Rory’s local, that’s your appeal. You fight for the seat with all gusto, unapologetic about Buffy, if you lose, you merely stay where you are, campaign for the local party, fight the next election after that, return in triumph, the problem is the money. Rory’s unfit to do anything else, you have to find the cash doing something part-time that will raise enough. Focus on that.’

‘That’s all very well for you to say!’

‘I know, but that is the answer, the only answer.’

‘But how?’

‘Well, you’ve got two years to put your plan B in place, hang around here as much as possible, the money is here. With the individual members. Who likes you, who do you get on with, what do they need that you can supply, get my drift? Oh, and remember, membership here, is a fixed cost in your accounts.’

‘Er?’

I walked towards the garden for some fresh air, Charlie had drifted off somewhere as is her habit. I needed time to think. As I wandered towards the pond, I was surprised to find Don Wooley, newspaper man extraordinaire, seemingly on much the same mission. ‘Wouldn’t have thought you’d be operating from here at a time like this?’

‘I’ve been sneaking into the conference area and using the fibre, it’s still copper wire in the first-floor bedrooms. I don’t think that Fiona likes me!’

‘I see. Okay, well I can get the issue of more fibre throughout the occupied parts of the house further up the “to do list” because the relative cost is falling, Fiona is another matter entirely. Fiona always has to be in the room, so to speak. She is the public face of the Park, she’s the one in front of the camera. She may not have authority in decision making but she does have to be included. Charm her Don, after all she’s an old friend of Charlie’s, Charlie got her in here.’

‘Shit! Er, look I’ve got an idea about your conference centre, let’s go inside and have a look.’

It turned out the Don was concerned about the smaller of the two rooms leading off from the ballroom. ‘So, you don’t like the tables and chairs?’

‘Most of the time it’s being used as a media room now, no point in it looking like a college seminar room when by the simple act of replacing them with a sofa and a couple of chairs from upstairs, you have the grand country house decor along two sides, and your cameras and a perch for the technician come director on the other two sides. Now what does that set-up make you think of?’

‘The posh-ist Breakfast Time or Daytime tv studio ever?’

‘Exactly! Or to be more precise the summer residence, or perhaps winter residence, of The Don Wooley Podcast. Daily rent for at least three months of the year.’

‘I like it.’

‘Not that different from your home set-up really?’

‘Who, told you that?’

‘Oh! No secrets between me and Charlie these days, I know all about her, spread out on the chaise-lounge, whilst you fiddle with your gadgets.’

‘I beg your pardon!’

‘Fear not, she’s one of the special people. Anyway, what do you think Buffy will do now, now he has time on his hands, write his memoirs?’

‘Buffy doesn’t write.’

‘Really? Now that is interesting.’

‘Apart from reading agendas, and scribbling notes for speeches, he is a cultural desert!’

‘What are you two conspiring about?’ Came a voice from the doorway.

‘Charlie!’

‘There’s progress at the stables to be inspected, sir. Before we hit the road.’

‘Well, don’t let me detain you any longer.’

‘I’ll speak to the committee.’


‘What’s he doing?’

‘Distressing a brick!’ Our stone mason’s mate, had just chucked a brick into the portable cement mixer, whilst the man himself was attending to a piece of the decorated stonework which intermittently broke the monotony of the brick work. Only the garaging of the minibus could be said to be complete.

Speaking from atop the portable scaffolding, the boss said; ‘We’ve been taking a few days off from your Magdalen Place properties, while matey rescues bits of wrought iron guttering and down pipe from the back, to make the front entirely genuine again, so the back alas, will be entirely fake.’

‘Which it’s going to look anyway because of the sure-ing-up you’ve had to do?’

‘Well, that’s the way we see it, sir.’

‘No worries! Right then Sparkwell, we can’t hang around here watching other men work, we have places to be and things to do.’


Back at the manor about a week later, Julia sort me out in the grounds; ‘Tony, I’ve just taken a call from Victoria Herring.’

‘Oh, lord.’

‘I’m sorry, Mary’s gone. Passed away whilst still at the house apparently.’

Thursday 22 December 2022

92: Sweating

‘It’s not working!’

‘No, no it isn’t.’

‘All that trouble you went to.’

‘Yes.’

‘Rory’s lost his nerve, he’s dithering.’

‘He should bowl as fast as he can, Buffy has a good variety of shots.’

‘What? What has cricket got to do with a parliamentary committee?’

‘You can draw an analogy with cricket, for anything! Besides, Buffy has always had a cricket bat by his desk since school.’

‘Even in number ten?’

‘According to Carrie.’

‘Anyway, they can’t hog the conversation much longer, and they certainly won’t get away with more jabbering about your Anglosphere ambitions.’

We were sitting watching the television in the library at Checkley Manor, with the shutters closed. The heat had forced us indoors and onto a Mediterranean timetable. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before the rest of Rory’s Whitehall watchdog forced the questioning onto ‘conduct unbecoming’ and the ‘dignity of office’. Buffy remained ebullient, but looked relieved when Rory started looking at his watch and asking the honourable members to keep questions short, to which one unintended wit replied; ‘Yes well, I think we all understand the Prime Minster’s time is almost up.’

‘Oh dear, oh dear.’

‘You, are going to need, a Plan B, old boy.’ I turned my head, just to check, yes, definite signs of her suppressed smirk.


It came out of the blue, as these things always do. ‘Have you checked your mobile?’ Asked Charlie.

‘No.’

‘A text from an M.T. “Come soonest STOP Be unobserved STOP” What on earth?’

I could feel my temperature drop, it’s what lets you act without falling apart. ‘It’s an emergency, pack everything, as if we were gone for good, drive around to the front and wait, fifteen minutes.’

‘But?’

‘So that everyone knows we’ve been called away. I’ll talk to Julia.’


‘Is she dying?’

‘Of course, but this must be about something that she needs to communicate in private, whilst she can still make herself understandable, rightly or wrongly she thinks this is her last opportunity. Not easy to arrange if you think about it, Tuffy and Victoria out of the way, maybe she’s off to hospital or a care home. I’m treating it as an emergency until I know different.’

‘But you think you know.’

‘Something about father, mother maybe, via her late husband.’


‘Where are we going?’

‘Town.’ Then, five minutes later, I had Charlie pull off the road. Saying nothing, I showed her instead. I switched off my mobile, then reached under the dash and pulled the plug on the computer, finally I stepped out, turned around, ferreted under the bench and pulled the plug on the extras. I then looked at Charlie in expectation. She turned off her two mobiles, showed me her off tablet and laptop.

‘This is Moscow Rules, is it?’

‘Well, not quite, just dead methods.’


‘Park here, just a short walk. But, er, keep your driving gloves on.’ I then extracted a modest selection of tools from the boot, small enough to fit in my pockets. I found a fold-away bag and then we were on our way, down the lane.

‘Where are we?’

‘Back of Tuffy’s house.’

‘Oh yes! Why?’

‘The message said unobserved, so...’

‘M.T. Mary Tufnell.’

Things were very overgrown, but the back door was unlocked. Inside the atmosphere said age, neglect, and the presence of a young female in the last few hours, carer not nurse or doctor. ‘Presumably the other two doors are unlocked, if so, the house is empty apart from Mary and we now have a plausible story for being here if interrupted.’

‘Two?’

‘This is the lower basement. Nonetheless we’ll need to lock all three before leaving by the front.’

When we came out on the ground floor I said; ‘We’ll try the first-floor withdrawing, but my guess is the bedroom.’

A few minutes later, at the bedroom door, I said; ‘Stay here, delay anyone arriving as long as possible, something like; “Tony is here about the deplorable state of the back and the yard, he always knows how to get things done cheap” etc.’


I knocked, no answer, I opened the door a little; ‘Hello! It’s Anthony.’ No answer, I went in and closed the door. She nodded towards the chair by the bed. ‘Before we talk, if you can give me the keys to the basements, Charlotte can lock them again right away.’ She pointed to them. I took them out to Charlie, then returned.

‘You took your time.’ She said it with that glint in the eye that Tuffy never seemed to notice.

‘We were at Checkley Manor.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, your summer holidays.’

‘You’ve got a young female carer.’

‘Not for long.’ A hand went beneath the covers, then reappeared, clenched. ‘My husband put these in my hand on his death bed, he was incapable of explaining, and I’ve never been able to find out.’

I felt metal in the palm of my outstretched hand, I extracted a bunch of small keys with my free hand, whilst holding on with the other. ‘Well now, these ancient ones open boxes, I imagine, in the late-great’s study, but this is a modern-ish safety deposit box key, and the letters and numbers tell us, oh, how convenient!’

‘Yes?’

‘Mary, there are different sorts of accounts, I may not be able to gain access until after your Will comes into force, it may even require Tuffy’s cooperation.’ All I got in reply was a blank stare. ‘Yes, er, Tuffy mentioned a while back you’d had him make a start on the office, but that he’d come unstuck with the day books, said they were written in some sort of code, perhaps I can help?’

‘Permission granted.’

There was a knock at the door. I placed the small keys in an inside pocket. Then collected, and returned to their rightful place, the basement keys. I remained standing. ‘I’m leaving now, you’ve put us on a tight schedule. I owe you everything, and I love you for everything you’ve done. To borrow a quote; “We will, meet again”.’

‘I believe you.’


‘Hold on here for a few more minutes.’ I said as we came to the study door. Mr Tufnell had kept the place neat to the end. Mrs Tufnell had kept it as her late husband liked it. Tuffy had just left it where he’d got to and walked away. Which was good, for what I thought I needed, was on the top of the pile. I extracted the non-transparent reusable supermarket carrier. We left by the front door.


‘Where to, sir?’

‘What time is it?’

‘You know bloody well I don’t wear a watch, but you still do!’

‘Jack’s filling station for a comfort break. How do you normally approach Archie Layton, text or phone first, or just walk in?’

‘Phone.’

‘Phone him from Jack’s, on whichever mobile you normally use, if he’s there, say you’ve a load of dosh to pay-in, hoping to get there before closing, let him assume you’re on your own.’

‘Shouldn’t you be briefing me?’

‘I don’t know. I would say, “you don’t wanna know”, but I don’t know that either. Therefore, using dead methods, it’s a series of physical cut-outs if and when required.’


Later, at the multi-story in our great cathedral city, we went fully back online. ‘Why now?’ She asked.

‘Well, we don’t want our system, our network, saying something other than the usual when in the presence of the Trust’s own banker’s security. And bank security tends to make all the running online anyway, internet giants and governments slipstream behind them more often than you’d think. Now, there’s another bag in here somewhere.’


‘Ha! Tony. What an unexpected surprise. Er, what’s going on?’ I was holding up the key. ‘Is that one of ours?’ Archie said, promptly shutting the door.

‘Well, I’d hardly be here otherwise!’

‘The thing is, I don’t really get involved in such matters. No authority, I’ll have to bring in Mr Cleverly, okay?’

‘Sure.’

The aforementioned arrived suspiciously quickly. After formal introductions; ‘If I could just view the key, sir. Thank you. I’ll use your terminal a moment Mr Leyton if I may. There. We don’t offer these key-holder accounts anymore, sir. Moved to a different system. As soon as you are happy to discontinue, do let us know. Still, nice to know it is in the hands of such a prominent client of our mainstream services. If you care to follow me sir, I’m sure Archie will keep Ms Sparkwell company.’


‘Oldest part of the new bank now, funny that. I rarely get to see it. Quite un-upgraded. I’ll be just by the door, sir.’

Right, take your time, no matter what’s in the tray, all in number two supermarket bag. Although, give the impression of sorting a little and just taking what you need.