9: Sparkwell and the handshake interupt

The doorbell of the flat must have started ringing whilst we were in the shower. Then the sound of knocking could be heard as I fixed Charlie’s squirrel. ‘Shouldn’t we do something about that?’ she asked.

‘No. I’m pretty sure Madam Concierge, ably assisted by Jim, will be escorting whoever from the building at any moment.’

Playing back the security video gave us both a good laugh. The wide-angle lens acts so well in caricaturing an individual I always think. First the ungainly walk, then the leering face led by the nose, the pacing up and down; finally Tuffy’s exultations that I was his oldest friend, that he knew I was in there, that it was an urgent life and death situation - all as he was expertly guided out of shot.

We barely had time to compose ourselves before the intercom went. ‘Calm yourself Tuffy!’ I said as I released the button.

Charlie held the door open in expectation; ‘Calm myself! How can I be expected to calm myself? First this terrible news, then being frog marched from the building. Where were you, what were you doing?’

I noticed that as he said these words he seemed to be addressing them to Charlie. Her response was to guide him to one of the straight backed chairs that always seem to be about these days. She stood behind him, gently massaging his shoulders as he expounded on the inevitable; ‘It’s over, she’s left me…’

‘Now, legs a little further apart, elbows towards the knees, now cover your eyes in the natural resting position. Ideally you should be squatting but that will do for now. Notice the breath, watch it, don’t try to control it. Breathing gently through the nose. No, mouth closed always. Now is all there is, and can ever be. The best thing about the past is that it is gone. You are safe now. Be in the moment...’

I won’t bore you with the rest, but it did remind me a little of hypnotherapy sessions I’d attended in the past, although they tended to be very wordy and of course lacked the benefit of the Sparkwell touch. After a while she bought Tuffy back to the sun on the windows, the summer sounds etc.

‘Tony old lad, do you remember Matron?’

‘Yes, Tuffy.’

‘How we used to try to find an excuse to see her, so as to listen to TMS on her radio on Test Match days.’

‘Only too well.’

‘Recently I find myself thinking more and more of those days.’

‘It’s because we’re both fast approaching fifty. Bit late for chasing after waitresses.’

Suddenly, a muffled cough; ‘Drink this if you would Mr Tufnell, you will need to re-hydrate.’

Later, after Tuffy had decided he couldn’t hang around listening to my inane chatter any longer, Charlie confided; ‘I’m a bit worried about that Jim, seeing him on screen reminded me, does he spend all his days riding the lift? I mean I know he’ll play the doormen as well as his cleaning and handyman duties…’

‘I’m sure the Dragon has him under control.’

‘And just what is their relationship?’

‘Well I’m not sure of the details, but he seems to spend nights in her rooms quite a bit. No weirder than us I guess.’

‘There was a strange incident with the lift.’

‘Go on.’

‘I was waiting with the laundry, the doors opened and he was just stood there inside, with a sort of thousand yard stare or whatever it is called, immobile. Then the doors started to close and it wasn’t till my foot triggered the doors to open again that he seemed to come back from wherever he was.’

‘Rather the opposite of Tuffy then.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well he was in a highly agitated state of consciousness, you put him into another state or trance using focus over a number of minutes, whilst Jim was in a ‘some other place’ kind of trance, but in an instant a minor shock provided the pattern break that switched him back to the present moment.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘We all go in and out of different trances or states of consciousness all the time, maybe ten times a day, what is therapeutic is your ability to do inductions and transformations.’

‘Do I? Is that what it is?’

‘Hypnosis is not what it is cracked up to be, because it is actually dead normal, that is, rapidly inducing states of deep relaxation. If you are in a so called trance, usually confused as being something special rather than just another state of consciousness, you are simply more open to others, less preoccupied with self, more open to the present and new learning...’ I stopped, now I’d shocked her, spoken aloud what she was, what she did. She went back to her mat, squatted there awhile, the palms of her hands over her eyes.

When she came back; ‘You said we were really working on the same project, I get that now, but how come you can say it, understand it, I can’t.’

‘You don’t have to, you can do it. It’s because I am a nerd, who read history and did computer science on the side, then read up on other scientific stuff.’

‘On our own we’re just us now. We should be leaving for the club soon.’

‘I say you haven’t seen Tuffy around? He’s meant to be delivering the headsets and jackets today, not to mention the master control box thingy.’

‘I doubt he’ll emerge for at least a week, probably in bed pining for his lost love.’

‘That’s all off again is it? Still he’s usually pretty fast when it comes to recovery. There is only one kind of madness and that’s the divine madness.’

‘That’s very good Cat. I didn’t realise you could do profundity.’

‘I’ll show you what else I can do - chits! Take a look at these. This, being supporting evidence for that, note to the committee.’

I laid the two pieces of paper side by side on the bar. ‘Oh I like this, I like this a lot.’ The memo stated that the flight simulator was on loan from the ‘Science Museum, Munich’. Whilst what purported to be an invoice in euros for transportation had on its masthead, ‘Deutsches Museum von Meisterwerken der Naturwissenschaft und Technic’.

‘Clever dodge eh?’

‘Absolutely. Now let me think this through…’

‘The name you’re really looking for old boy is, Hochschule fur angewandte Wissenschaften Munchen.'

'On the tip of my tongue. This is aeronautics, therefore this must be the work of Barmy Gruber. Some summer school research project gone horribly wrong, which fell off the back of a lorry whilst en route to its final resting place at the museum - no don't tell me, I don't wanna know.'

4: Charlie on camera

‘Charlotte!’

‘Sir?’

‘Blimey, that was quick.’ The reply had been loud and clear over my shoulder as I sat watching my screen.

‘You didn’t feel me coming?’

‘You must be so embedded in my brain, my unconscious doesn’t think it needs to pay attention.’

‘I’m getting to be a habit with you.’

‘I say that’s rather good. Now then, I’m afraid I have some bad news. I must ask you to brace yourself and take it on the chin.’

‘Don’t I always?’

‘The thing is, that parking space you’ve been angling for, it isn’t going to happen, at least not for years.’

‘Okay.’

‘Now, I know parking fees must make a significant hole in your limited “disposable income” as they say, so what I propose is that you sell your motor, pocket the cash, and I give you unlimited use of my car, when I don’t need it.’

‘What’s the catch? Don’t get me wrong, I really get off on all this, being able to tell everyone I have this salary, bring people here and see them wet themselves. Put on my suit and just walk in anywhere. But you’re the one making me treat every encounter as some sort of trade.’

‘The catch, is you have to take responsibility for the car; see it neatly parked, pass the time of day with the other residents doing the same, see the tank is always nearly full, pay with the right card, always go to the same filling station and to the right garage, because although you’d never know it, Jack runs both of them, keep on the right side of Jack’s chief mechanic etc. etc.’

‘And I suppose somewhere in the “deductibles” on this payslip that arrived this morning is my share of the insurance.’

‘It’s a fifty grand, two seater speed machine - a classic by the time it left the factory, which just happens to be worth more and more with every passing year.’

‘I got a funny look from Madam Concierge when I was fetching it round to the front the other day.’

‘Well, I guess she remembers that it is but weeks since you were humping your portable massage table back and forth, dressed as if for the gym. Fear not, I have some pull with her, I can impose sanctions if she gets above herself.’

‘How?’

‘Excellent, now you’re asking the right questions! But that’s for another day, we haven’t finished with the car yet. Take a look at what I’m pulling up now.’

‘You, bastard! That’s live. And that’s in the treatment room. I suppose there’s one in the fucking shower!’

‘The only cameras in the flat are the webcam on this commuter, the ones in my mobile, see, your work mobile, which is where you left it, your personal mobile which appears to be on, but it just says it is, there, I can’t connect to it, and the two in the dash of the car. Oh, and that would be the one in the TV, but there’s black tape over it because it’s pointless anyway.’

‘So if I take a hand off the wheel to pick my nose, you know about.’

‘First off, this is the same kit used for a video call, okay? But since I own all the devices and they’re on my network, they’re connected; it just looks like some clever trick when you connect to them all in the same moment.’

‘Where does that leave me?’

‘Less than a week behind I would guess, before you’ve learnt to do all I can do - from any of the devices! There’s always a way to be notified if something is switched on, remotely or not. If there’s a good reason not to take the call, don’t take the call.’

Charlie retreated to her mat. ‘It does my head in, computers; the thought of reading any of these books does my head in.’

‘It’s all demonstration, imitation, trial and error, practice, practice, practice, more observation, more practice. Online it’s no different from acquiring the skills, the order and discipline, of your great project.’

‘What project?’

‘Finding a naturopathic explanation for everything. I believe in it too. A lot of those books are about human evolution, I can’t play around online unless I can see the evolution in social media, we are a social species, isolated we get ill and die. Our ancient ancestor’s grooming behaviour, is the key to what happens on your massage table!’

That night I awoke in the dark. ‘I can’t sleep’ she said. ‘Not natural to sleep alone. But I never seem to be able to sleep if someone else is there either. I know how it should be done, it’s just blokes never seem to get it.’

‘Try me.’

‘Spoons position is best.’

‘Yes, I get that it ought to be.’

We rearranged the pillows. ‘Before you ask I’ve never used contraception in my life, I don’t want anything unnatural up there and I hate pills… Oh, God, your dick just got harder!’

‘Yes, now that is truly weird.’

‘Anyway, I’ve been rogered during all phases of the moon and I’ve never gotten pregnant, so, you know.’

‘Noted.’

‘Beds are for sleeping not sex, night time is for sleeping not sex. The idea is, to watch the breath until our breathing is synchronised. Breathing naturally from the diaphragm. Then become aware of the heartbeat, how it also varies all the time, but it too will synchronise. Be in the moment. Images appear but do not let yourself make a story or a moving picture. Choose a still image, one single moment. Now explore the single image…’

I wasn’t aware of anything else said or done, until dawn’s early light found me following her out of bed and into the shower.

It so happened that later that morning the doorbell of the flat rang, poor Charlotte positively jumped not having heard it before. ‘Do I answer it?’

‘Look at my screen, see, like magic, two angles for immediate positive identification.’

‘It’s the Dragon Concierge.’

‘..and off course its only when it’s not her or her co-conspirator Jim the Janitor that you need to take a second look. By the way, just for the record,’ I added, reaching for the door, ‘they are the only cameras that automatically record!’

‘Might I have a quick word?’

‘Of course come along in, let me introduce you to Miss Charlotte Sparkwell my new personal assistant and occasional domestic help. You’ve no doubt discreetly noted her occasional comings and goings in your role as Building Manager?’

‘Indeed, pleasure to meet you Charlotte.’

‘Likewise.’

‘Since you’re here, I should take the opportunity to inform you that for the sake of the old health and safety rules, fire regulations etc. Charlotte is now officially the ‘co-occupier’ of the flat, I’ve surrendered the second bedroom and allowed her to make my home her place of residence, she’s not here much of the time, but, it makes sense financially, don’t you know!’

‘I’ll amend the records.’

‘Now then, you wanted a word?’

Another pause from the early days of this tale of intrigue. ‘Oh yes, this is the paperwork from the last resident’s meeting. Also, No.12 was asking again about being able to rent out their parking space?’

‘Can’t be done, legally speaking, I’ve had it checked. Situation normal I’m afraid.’

‘It’s never empty anyway, as you know.’

‘The daily scramble, a bit like a bun fight breaking out at High Tea I always think.’

‘You’d know more about that than I would, anyway I’ll leave you to your, activities.’

I gently closed the door. Charlie had an interesting take. ‘That’s one of your techniques isn't it? To stay ahead of the game, you do it to them before they do it to you.’

‘Well.’

‘And may one ask, sir, why she seemed to be deferring to you? I’m thinking; does he own the bloody building too? But no, it wouldn’t be as simple as that, it would be a company owned by another company, without your name appearing anywhere until it all came back to Brinkley the accountant, acting for the family trust, just happening to buy shares years ago that never get sold.’

‘Tis the way of things. So, have you worked out my passwords yet?’

‘No. Why would I want to?

‘Because, entitled or not, as soon as you do, you’ll be able to make a start on taking half my kingdom.’