71: The speech

Charlotte stood over my right shoulder, reading her tablet. ‘I don’t get it. None of this makes sense.’

‘Well, you know Rory...’

‘Yes, I get why he’d need a speech written for him.’

‘Not written, spoken, foretold if you like, at a time when he was highly suggestable.’

‘Yes. I get why words like these might be spoken by a right-wing MP. I just don’t see why he should go up against the PM. He’ll just draw attention to himself, I mean if anyone challenges him, he’ll fall apart in five seconds.’

‘Ah, but he’s under pressure to get on, from you know who.’

‘But if the PM prompted you, to get Rory to attack him, Rory won’t be going anywhere.’

‘Oh, I don’t know.’

‘So, what is the plan?’

‘Well Buffy just thinks it’s better PR to be seen to be pressured by others into doing the right thing, than suggesting it himself. Odd I know, something about the parliamentary party asserting itself, feeling it is really in charge, which of course it’s not.’

‘I can’t pretend to get all that, but what’s in it for us?’

‘Favoured status for the Park, a cooperative - if not particularly friendly - Chief Constable. All sorts of things that oil the wheels.’

‘Some people will notice these are not Rory’s words, and some of this is a blatant give away, “I won my seat by taking on the retired commissars of the metropolitan left who litter the English Riviera”. Quite a few people know that’s the sort of thing you’d say when taking the piss! And what of; “For you can only put the Great back into Great Britain, tackle the mountain of debt, and make us a going concern again with high and sustained economic growth. The Prime Minister has already spent all we can afford on the pandemic and stimulus packages for the North, the so-called Red Wall. The rest must come from becoming a low tax, low spend economy again. Yet as traditionalists it is our duty to maintain the military, the police and our security forces. Now the PM may not permit the word austerity to pass his lips, in this he is correct, for shaving budgets here and there for a few years will never be enough. The only way out is to cut absolutely the bloated and unnecessary state apparatus, the mindless bureaucracy which has grown around us all over the last fifty years. But, unlike entrepreneurial led growth, cutting the state is not a bottom-up process, quite the reverse.” The Beacon doesn’t normally reprint political speeches like this.’

‘Quite!’

‘Now this is just plain silly; “Number Ten must lead by example, the very cabinet table of which we are so proud, only comfortably sits eleven or twelve minsters, plus the Prime Minister himself and the Cabinet Secretary, there to record the minutes. With a reduction in ministries, there would be the chance of real cabinet government, again. Such was the situation the last time this country could call itself great. Now, we have a Cabinet Office employing a staggering eight thousand people.” This is the new Victorians thing I suppose?’

‘Absolutely, sounds a bit mad when Rory says it, but seen in cold print...’

‘And what about; “A Colonial Office of a few hundred administered an empire, now the same number hand out aid we can ill afford, for projects where we never discover whether they worked or not.” Is that true?’

‘It’s what the tabloid press believes to be true.’

‘Blimey, “a policy of intervention in the affairs of others is an outrageous foreign policy, hugely expense and merely encourages antipathy towards the West. I say trade, not aid.” There’s more, “the NHS has become a monster out of control, creating endless demand, as the population gets ever unhealthier. How wrong, Bevan and the men from the ministry were, to believe that the real cost of the NHS would fall over time as less people got ill.” Was that true?’

‘Oh, yes!’

‘I’ve had enough of this; we must get back to the garden.’

‘Is that your considered political position or a practical suggestion?’

‘Shut, up.’

‘Hang-on a second, does he get a mention in the editorial?’

‘Oh, yes. “A rare true-blue speech from the unknown MP who is only recorded as having spoken twice in the House of Commons. Perhaps he should assert himself more often for he goes straight to the heart of issues long championed by this paper.” A ringing endorsement then.’

Later that day I took a call; ‘I have the Prime Minister for you.’

‘Carrie!’

‘He’s using me as a bloody secretary now.’

‘You should get out more.’

‘Tell me about it, darling! It’s all right for him, he’s always out and about. Although, I rather think he wishes I could do a Charlotte and transform myself into a valette, when required.’

There was a sudden pause. Then Buffy came on the line. ‘Anthony! Just to say, marvellous job regarding young Rory, just the right tone, makes me sound like a sober minded judge. Ha! We can take it from here.’

‘But what will become of him?’

‘Well, he can’t very well accept a ministerial job now, after saying all he did about making cutbacks, can he? No, Chair of the parliamentary Whitehall watchdog committee should suit.’

The following week, Prudence approached me at the club. ‘Wasn’t he wonderful Tony? And I’ll let you in on a secret, it was all his own words, I had no involvement at all! I didn’t even see the script. What about that. You never believed it possible he could be his own man. As chair of this committee, he can call anyone to account, any minister, even Buffy himself. He is a force to be reckoned with. Now he’s being talked of as a future leader of the party.’

She seemed proud of her man, in a deeply unfashionable way. Feeling that perhaps life was getting just a tad too easy, I headed for the bar in search of a stiff drink.

‘Tony!’

‘Don! You’re spending a lot of time in this next of the woods, for one who’s meant to be a columnist for our leading national paper.’

‘I’ve been sent by my editor. He said; “You’ve got the connections, go be a reporter, find out about this MP who’s making the headlines.” Hoisted by my own petard. Having built Rory up at your request, now I’m being asked to knock him down.’

‘So, we are forced to ask, from whom does your editor take his orders?’

‘Better not to ask. Rather, why is it, that whenever I ask questions in this place the answers always seem to lead back to you! Or rather, you and your sidekick. Yet it also seems I’m in your debt, I hadn’t realised it was your recommendation that got me in here.’

‘We’re more than happy to have you.’

‘Rory is a chump. You contrived to get him elected, seemingly as a favour to his wife. As a consequence, this place, in which you have a financial stake, becomes a hive of political activity following on from the new MP’s support for the nation’s most notorious politician who in short order becomes the next PM. Now, I can’t write all that up, because it’s all too far fetched even for our readers.’

‘But you can’t go home empty handed. What you need is a nice little human-interest story about the life and loves of a chump, perhaps with a few choice anecdotes from an old school chum.’

‘Let me buy you lunch.’

‘I thought you’d never ask.’

37: Doing good by stealth

‘Oh dear, I’ve been summoned.’

‘Aunt Elisabeth?’

‘No, Daphne, old flame of my youth. “Buy me lunch, today, at the club, explain to me what my mad husband is up to”.’

‘And that makes sense to you.’

‘Not, entirely. She means sit, listen, calm her down, then explain what Barmy has done in terms she can understand. The obligations of old friendship.’

‘What has Barmy done?’

‘No idea until she tells me.’

‘I’ll drive you, I’ve a couple of projects that need attention.’

On the road I attempted an explanation of just who and what Daphne and Barmy really were, an effort to deflect any lingering doubts Sparkwell might harbour as to where my loyalties and affections lay. I concluded, as we were entering the Park, with a description of their living arrangements; ‘So, the most unlikely of outcomes as you might imagine, having grown up in a German castle he chooses to live out his life in suburban England. I mean it’s a lovely house, detached, four bedrooms, nice bit of garden front and back, garage, all mod-cons. Daphne, very spick and span domestically of course. But the man has a garden shed. Outwardly it looks quite distressed, inwardly more like the bridge of a star ship!’

‘No pudding,’ was her only response, cutting the engine.

‘I wouldn’t dream of it.’

‘Oh! Was that the Valette disappearing down the corridor?’

‘Indeed, but she’s promised to leave us in peace. So, what ails?

‘Barmy announced last night he’s moving all his family’s assets to the UK - well, all those over which he has effective control.’

‘Really! Thinks he’ll be better off post-Brexit. Well, a touching faith in UK plc I must say.’

‘It’s a bit more than that actually, he’s changing his job too, very hush-hush, he’s been headhunted by the Americans with a view to being seconded to the Royal Navy.’

‘Well I’ll be damned, gosh, so he’ll be operating by stealth in the future then?’

‘Now that’s my point, you get there in one, he spent the whole evening explaining and I can’t say I’m any the wiser.’

‘Well he’ll be bound by the Official Secrets Act now, I on the other hand… Pretty demanding work though, they say that although the hardware should have a shelf life of a couple of years, novel software could be required well, as often as your mobile insists on system updating.’

‘Right, now just stop there. Go right back to the beginning, just what is he going to be doing because he says it involves him leading periodic training on board ship.’

‘Well, difficult to know where to start. Try this, the aircraft designers are planning on this being the last piloted fighter/bomber, okay. Now that’s not just because drones can do more and more, it’s because the plane comes in kit form, each module gets updated separately over the years to come - and all that’s possible, or necessary you might say, because the bodyshell is not only the best right now, it’s impossible to improve.’

‘But that doesn’t make sense. How do they know?’

‘Well the clue is in the title. For what it is required to do, it’s the best aerodynamically you can get.’

‘And?’

‘Well you know it can’t get better because it begins to display stealth properties simply by virtue of its shape. The more, easily it moves let’s say, the less sign it leaves that it was ever there, if you see what I mean. In the end nobody invented stealth capability, it was revealed as an emergent property of the body shape itself. You then just add all the stuff you know already helps the whole thing along, the metal, the outer surface or coating, more even finer curved surfaces, less kit inside that signals it’s presence etc.’

‘But surely in time the enemy must get the same capability?’

‘Eventually, sure. But even so the game has changed.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Some wags who don’t get it, say “oh but it’s not as good in a dogfight as such and such”. It doesn’t do dogfights, it’s a mobile missile launcher, it hunts, gets close enough, releases its payload, goes home, indeed could be halfway home already, doesn’t matter, it’s the bow, the missile the arrow, only the arrow can navigate on its own, up to a point. Opposing aircraft not only don’t see you, they may well be hundreds of miles away!’

‘So what of the pilots and their latest computer kit?’

‘They, are tracking, stalking, then playing a game of short-term anticipation on their screens about future action in a real space and time they will never enter.’ I paused. ‘Barmy’s work in science, even in the schoolroom, always has been an act of imagination, that’s the real reason he got called Barmy, although I admit some of his personal habits are strange.’

‘I get annoyed with him when he stares out of the window for hours on end, that’s why I insisted on the shed. Perhaps I was unkind?’

‘No, no, we chaps understand sheds.’

‘How about one of the gooier desserts?’

‘You choose, I can never decide.’

A while later I stopped by the office, it seemed deserted, then I realised the staff must still be on lunch break.

‘If you continue to break the rules I shall have to impose counter measures.’

‘Oh, for goodness sake, where have you been hiding?’

‘I was watching the two of you, live on screen, audio wasn’t up to much, but nonetheless.’

‘Don’t tell me, you told your new asset in security to take a hike in the grounds. I’m impressed.’

‘You should be. Do I inform Naval Intelligence or were you talking total bollocks?’

‘Ask Barmy the next time you’re ministering to the injured in the Games Room.’

‘I might just.’

‘Still, it’s a nice day, fancy an exploration of the rooftops?’

‘So, if you let your eye follow the road past the bungalows you get to the derelict stable block, further on, on the same levelled site is the remains of the walled garden, now used as a sort of temporary overflow carpark. The high clump of trees behind are the windbreak of the walled garden, which along with the twelve-foot walls and the glasshouses made the micro climate that put fruit and veg on the table three hundred and sixty-five days a year. It’s the obvious site for a modest apartment building following the shape and on the same scale as the stable yard which becomes a court, as it were, literally sheltered housing.’

‘Another cash cow?’

‘Well, there is one small problem, the veg and flower garden were at the very end of the water supply. It’s not at all clear how far off we are from the water usage of the house in it’s heyday. It’s the same problem as the pond, the water for the house has always had to be pumped back up from the lowest point on the estate, the only point where it’s a proper flowing river. At some point, as yet unknown, you need a new pumping station and several miles of underground piping. I suspect that is the tipping point, where the whole thing stops being a going concern.’

‘There’ll never be a championship golf course then?’

‘Certainly not, they can have their eighteen holes, but they’ll have to make do with what nature provides.’

‘Why didn’t you join the road to the helipad?’

‘To make sure it can’t be used, without using the club facilities as well. Right then, let’s take a look at the state of the flagpole. How many different flags do you think we need?’

‘Coat of arms. County flag? Union Jack. EU?’

‘Screw that.’

‘UN?’

‘No chance.’

‘Flags of all nations, for those visiting foreign statesmen of yours?’

‘Strictly Anglosphere.’

‘What’s that?’

‘That’s the big project.’

‘What are you on about?’

‘Behind the Eurosceptic, the Brexiteer, is the new Victorian free-trader. The Anglosphere are the nations whose first language is English, by which we mean the constitution and legal system is grounded in English common law, the law of contract and international trade. UK, US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Hong Kong and Singapore - plus various hangers-on.’

‘Oh my God, Britannia rules the waves!’

‘Yes, but not the bureaucratic, empire building bit, rather the buccaneer free-traders. Three players, China, Russia and the Anglosphere. Ultimately we bury the hatchet, clear away sanctions, tariffs. Plus; “We take the golden road to Samarkand”, the new silk road, only it’s a bloody great new railway line from China through the heart of Russia, linking the Pacific to the Atlantic, once upon a time in Eurasia.’

‘It’s the view, its gone to your head.’