139: To the manor born

‘You two still yacking?’ She said, looking accusatively in my direction.

‘What is yacking?’ Said the voice from the chaise lounge.

‘To talk aimlessly.’ I interceded.

‘But we talk seriously, purposefully. And we are old buddies, ya?’

‘May I remind you, sir! We are due at Checkley in time for lunch. Number two car is out the front, packed and ready to go. No offence Barmy.’

‘Then we will conclude.’

‘What on earth is that?’ Charlie said looking at my screen.

‘Tony’s timeline, for the years preceding his parent’s death, so far it’s only plotted with the data from the two sets of passports, British and Swiss, but they are all road border crossings, we’ve been speculating.’

‘Amongst others things. I’ve also briefed Barmy on Jack, vis-a-vis Mel.’

‘Right.’

‘Give me a second and I’ll email this infographic to the two of you, all ideas welcome because although I learnt plenty from Daphne and Archie, that’s just eliminated possibilities, not actually suggested any answers.’

Barmy rose to leave; ‘Give some care to how you present the data, at some point you may want to give it to Eltham’s AI app. In time I’m sure he will connect it to all the road mapping data coming from his self-drive EV’s, that’s already including European borders, manned or not. If Wieck wanted the passports, or wanted them back, then it must still be a live issue, the present day should be your baseline.’

‘Holy shit!’

‘This is what they pay me for Charlie, holy shit, I see myself out.’

‘Do you trust Barmy?’ She asked when we were on the road.

‘I don’t need to; we’ve talked all this through before. Besides, we’re all family in a sense. The wildest question that occurs to me in sleepless moments is, was Barmy, then a recent import from Germany, placed alongside me at school on purpose, by persons unknown?’

‘Now that would be creepy! Anyway, what worries me now is how your uncle will react if our holiday is disturbed by my house hunting parents. I told Thayer to text any and all developments.’

‘I did pre-warn him that we might have to step out and meet your folks at some point.’

‘Thanks.’

As we were unloading at the manor, I said; ‘It’s been months and you still haven’t noticed when it’s staring you in the eye.’

‘Noticed what?’

‘Where the dish is.’

‘Should I have?’

‘This boot lid, it’s somewhat thicker than it used to be!’

‘Oh, my... I just thought I was losing it because I couldn’t get so much in. So, Jack’s lads fitted them to both?’

‘Sure, same method that’s used when they’re fitted under the skin of an aircraft.’

Then a voice-off shouted; ‘Come on you two, you're late.’

‘Fulsome apologies for our late arrive.’ I said as we came through the door of the big kitchen.

‘He says, dripping with sincerity.’ Replied uncle, with that whiff of existential despair.

‘Sorry too, in advance, for us being distracted by my parents.’ Added Charlie.

‘Now that’s, a legitimate excuse.’

A moment or two later, just as we were dunking fresh-baked bread into our homemade soup, my mobile pinged. When I raised my head from reading, they were all looking at me; ‘That was an email from Bernard.’

‘Who?’ Asked Julia.

‘His solicitor, someone finally caught up with him no doubt.’ Quipped the uncle.

‘Congratulations Charlie, you are, in the absence of any other claimants, now the proud owner of all the worldly goods of the late great Kenneth Murchison.’

‘And the flat?’

‘Any money raised to go to the Trust, Bernard suggests we give some thought to how his life might be memorialised, which by great good fortune is also now your responsibility too, given your position as lead trustee for charitable affairs.’

‘How much will the sale raise?’

‘Well, despite it having only one bedroom, it has as you’ve so often expressed, a grand location and situation, Bernard suggests there really is only one estate agent in the county capable of promoting...’

At which point Julia interrupted my peroration by reaching over and handing Charlie what looked like a copy of the forthcoming edition of The Countrywoman, presumably containing the photo spread of, and her extended captions on, the royal visits. There was a cheque paper-clipped to the front, though I was unable to read the amount.

‘But this is way too much.’ Protested Charlie.

‘Nonsense my dear, this is the second time in the magazine’s history you’ve enabled us to put Royal Exclusive on the cover.’

Late afternoon I went in search of Gregson before he packed up for the day. ‘You had me confused when you arrived sir, you not heading for the vines, like.’

‘We were late, and I rather assumed they’d be neglected.’

‘His lordship struggles a bit these days, though I doubt he’d admit as much.’ Then, looking directly at me, he said; ‘I must thank you for what you’re doing for our Tim.’

‘Er, Tim Adler is one of yours?’

‘Cousin Irene’s boy. She married an Adler, funny that. My father had three brothers, that’s how Gregsons is everywhere hereabouts. He used to love visiting when he was a nipper.’

‘He’s a useful gardener, and smart with it!’

‘Of course you see that, sir. Steering him towards the Arlington Trust and all. The others, family like, they see good school work and think, chance to get out of rural concerns. Always liked the lad. What do you make of this girl he’s hanging around with?’

‘Ah! She’s the daughter of old friends, known her since she was a child too. Tell anyone who’s concerned to rest easy.’

‘Now I must tell you, we had a day out on the railway the other day, there was a call out for volunteers to try out the first battery train. The wife put together a traditional picnic basket, quite a party atmosphere in our carriage in the end. Then afterwards we repaired at the Railway Arms, wonderful display of old photos, I couldn’t help wondering what’s intended for the bay platforms that used to take trains up the valley?’

‘Well, there is a thought they would make a good location for servicing a Dining Train, that could shuttle up and down in the evenings.’

‘Use some old Brighton Belle Pullman’s likely as not?’

‘No, no. They’re all in use by the charter trains. No, the thought is a couple of Mark One buffet cars could be restored as proper kitchen cars, back-to-back, with open First Class carriages at either end. Authentic, mid nineteen fifties.’

‘Course if you were to do it proper like you’d need to be serving Brown Windsor soup, lamb and two veg. Maybe suet pudding to finish.’

‘Perhaps we should hire your good lady to consult!’

The Moor takes people in different ways. Though we were only to be away twenty-four hours, I’d spent many hours prepping Charlie and she was in constant touch with Junior Jack. Little could be left to chance. I insisted for example that the room we would use overnight must be inferior to the one occupied by Sparkwell KC and wife.

‘We are lowly, we are humble, we attend upon and defer to. Whilst you sit demurely and hold your tongue, I am enthralled by his every utterance.’ I expounded, as I drove us through the labyrinth of moorland roads.

‘You’re going to have me behave in just the way father always expected of me. He’ll assume I’ve finally been broken on the wheel.’

‘It’s a game I’m willing to play because I’m not you. I’m guessing the fastest way to get him to relax and feel safe, is to mirror him. And tomorrow is a Sunday.’

I’m sure dear reader you are only too familiar with the modern hotel dining experience, which of course is why we have the club, so I’ll cut to the chase. Talk of house hunting arose of its own accord, but it wasn’t until later over coffee in the lounge that Sparkwell senior felt able to unburden himself. ‘Our worry, as even you may appreciate Charlotte, is as much about finding a spiritual home as a material one.’

‘I wonder sir, when you were consulting Mr Thayer, whether you took the opportunity of visiting the cathedral?’

‘Most certainly.’

‘Well, on the floor above County Estates is the office of my accountant Lawrence Brinkley, he does the cathedral’s books. And on the floor above him is my solicitor one Bernard Merriweather who is the Chancellor of the diocese of said cathedral, now they’re a gossipy old pair but, it strikes me they might be well-up on the kind of gossip, you’d want to know about.’

‘You seem remarkably well-connected Tony?’ Said Charlie’s mother.

‘Well, everyone knows everyone else hereabouts, it’s just the way it is.’

‘Thank you, Anthony. You’ve given us much to think about.’

‘Perhaps we should leave it there for today then.’

‘Yes, tomorrow is an early start. The manager informs me the local church is but a short walk.’

‘Only five minutes, but uphill all the way, father.’ Said Charlie, rising majestically.

109: The last peasant

‘We had a visit from the King a few days ago. Sat where you are now.’

‘Good lord!’ It was the only response I could think of.

‘Yes. In the west country tidying up loose ends regarding the Duchy, saying his last goodbyes, dropped by for an hour or so.’ Uncle was displaying his usual nervous tick of standing warming himself with his back to a non-existent fire. ‘Talked a lot about organics and the eastern European connection, doesn’t think he’ll be able to get out there again. Curious to know how we were getting on. Complementary about the wine.’

‘Really.’

‘Asked about progress on restoring the Park. Said the Prince had given him a favourable report.’

‘Well, that’s good.’

‘Asked my opinion of you, somewhat took me aback.’

‘My word.’

‘Hadn’t quite grasped that the couple he’d heard the Prince speak of, were the same people he’d met at Mackintosh’s place. Naturally I reminded him Charlotte had been honoured by the late Queen.’

‘I see.’

‘Fact is, he wanted an insider’s view, been hearing about your railway plans. Some sit down chat after a Privy Council meeting or some such. Wasn’t too sure what he was driving at to be honest. Said he didn’t want anything in the past to mess up the new stewardship of the Duchy. Quite a steam enthusiast it turns out. Anyway, some talk of an order in council, idea of that chum of yours, the one with the specs. So, I did the decent thing.’

‘The decent thing?’

‘Gave you a clean bill of health, said your Trust was altogether Green and that you were quite paternalistic towards the Park.’

‘Er, thank you.’

‘And er, he quite appreciates the inheritance problem, sands of time and all that. Well, better join the ladies I suppose.’

‘I've been telling Tony about our visit from the King.’

‘You might have waited so dear Charlotte could hear it!’

‘Boy’s talk.’

‘Do we accept that kind of thing anymore?’ Julia addressed the four of us reinstalled in the big kitchen.

‘When it’s a “need to know” thing, I’ve learned I’m often better off, well out of it.’ Offered Charlie.

‘I take the point, but consider it a reprimand Reggie.’

‘Very well, my dear. You still perusing your print edition?’

‘Just showing, the spread about the railway plans. I’m sure our readers are loving the pictures, but may find the plans alarming.’

‘Still, an exclusive, exclusive. Good for sales.’ I asserted.

‘You’ve got Gregson confused Tony. He sees you as the heir apparent, worried you’ll be distracted from country affairs by the railway. Not that it’s any of his business, he’ll be retiring in a few years.’ She continued.

‘Got to watch yourself with Gregson, never sure he’s on board with organics, more concerned with commercial farming, which is ironic really, more your grab whatever subsidies are going type.’ Added Uncle.

‘Well, I’m sure I’ll catch-up whilst we’re here.’

About twenty minutes later something truly alarming occurred. Julia placed before us what can only be described as a large bowl of assorted fruits.

‘Fruit! Just fruit? No pudding?’ I exclaimed.

‘We must all be mindful of our health.’ She said by way of explanation.

‘Charlotte’s opening our minds to sensible eating.’ Mused Uncle. ‘I’d have thought you’d be used to it. It’s what you get at home isn’t it?’

‘But I’m on holiday. Checkley is holidays. Sponge puddings, crumbles, it’s my reason for being here!’

‘Oh, grow up. Stupid boy!’ Declared Julia.

It was a few days before I got around to Gregson, I found him sat at his desk in the estate office watching YouTube! ‘Haven’t you got work to go to?’

‘Oh, hello, sir. I’m rather afraid it is work. Take a look at this. This, would you believe is a driverless tractor towing the latest laser sprayer. It, spraying from about a foot away, only sprays what actually needs spraying. The reduction in spray is colossal, and given the tractor is on cruise control for maximum fuel efficiency... I’m gobsmacked, sir.’

‘Wouldn’t work for wheat or barley I should think, too densely packed and variable even for that machine.’

‘You may be right, sir.’

‘And what will they cost to rent?’

‘Who knows! Hopefully I won’t be around to see it.’

‘You’re not unwell, are you?’

‘Oh no, sir. It’s just the wife and I have been trying to make our retirement plans.’

‘The tractor in this demo is not electric then?’

‘No, but it’s only a matter of time I suppose. I’m old enough to remember the start of it all. The wife and I used to enjoy Tomorrow’s World. Fifty years ago, that would be. They showed solar panels, wind turbines, oh and wave power, a barrage across the Severn to catch the tide. Of course, none of them has actually paid for themselves yet. And we’re all still waiting for our personal helicopters.’

‘Quite.’

‘Back then people just said the country, before townies invented the countryside.’

‘So, what are your retirement plans?’

‘Well, we were hoping to stay at the cottage, but I’ve not had the opportunity to discuss it with his lordship yet.’

‘I should try and get it all in writing as soon as possible, just in case either Julia or I suffer a blow to the head!’

‘It’s difficult sir, obviously my pension will be lower than my salary, and we pay a peppercorn rent as it is.’

‘What’s the state of the property?’

‘Well, that’s another thing, in need of urgent attention I’d say, I rather suspect your uncle is assuming we’d want to move on and would get all the work done when it was empty.’

‘There is other vacant property on the estate that could provide temporary accommodation, not to mention within here, for yourselves or the new manager when the time comes.’

‘We wouldn’t mind that for a few weeks. But if we were forced off the estate we’d be at the mercy of the local authorities.’

‘Anyway, I’m pretty sure you need to get everything tied down and watertight whilst you still have, not only your employee status but your official position as farm manager, I’ll say no more.’ He looked a little confused; ‘Think it through!’ I added, with a grin, as I moved away.

Sometime later, as we were coming to the end of our summer sojourn, I found myself taking an evening stroll with Uncle. ‘You’ll be back to help with the vines?’

‘Of course. The best will be ready earlier this year, keep a watchful eye. In fact, you might think of picking twice, two pressings.’

‘But surely with the warmth we’ll do well anyway?’

‘Yes, but the walled garden is so well protected, and drained, you could push it a bit, really go for it. Ride out any storms.’

‘We’ll see.’

We came back by the river and as we were passing the Gregson’s home I said; ‘When are you planning on doing the restoration work on the cottage?’

‘When they’re out and it’s empty.’

‘It might pay you to get started right away.’

‘How so?’

‘The Gregsons want to stay on at the cottage after retirement. And what’s more, be able to afford to live in reasonable comfort.’

‘Damn! I had plans. It’s so close on the river, I thought of a wooden patio out the back, leading down to a pontoon thingy for fishing.’

‘But no one is interested in fishing, the river isn’t clean enough, according to Charlie.’

‘I know, but I thought if I could acquire the land upstream, the old abandoned brickworks, one could clean-up the river. The place may look green now, but it is a brown field site.’

‘Well, that might stop the river getting worse, but you’d have to start dredging from wherever downstream, possibly all the way from the old naval port. It used to be navigable for quite substantial river barges as far as the works.’

‘Ah, well. Such is life. And now you tell me Gregson is going to be a pain about things.’

‘Not to you personally, not necessarily. You know, you can’t sack him because he is competent, you can’t make him redundant because his work is essential. He can hang around for almost another three years. Now, if the cottage is properly part of the farm business, necessary worker accommodation, then he, as head of it all, is legally responsible. If repairs have become say, urgent on health and safety grounds, well, I mean, easy enough to lose a hundred grand in the accounts, spread over a couple of years that is, as you say he’s the man for subsidies, grants, tax breaks...’

‘All the same, he’d be sticking his nose in our affairs till his dying day.’

‘Maybe. Who owns the brickworks now?’

‘Some shell company or whatever, subsidiary of a subsidiary, goes by the name of A & C Restorations.’

‘Oh, well, good luck with that then!’

85: Picture perfect

‘Why am I doing this?’ Charlie complained as we sat at our side-by-side desks in the media room.

‘Because Julia asked you to.’

‘But I’m not a journalist, not even a photographer, just the trigger man for whatever you set up.’

‘It’s a picture feature Charlie, really only extended captions. The Countrywoman magazine’s first ever opportunity to upstage Hello!’

‘Then why aren’t you doing it, at least you understand what’s required?’

‘It has to be your voice, the one the readers are familiar with, I can polish it later.’

‘You know my voice, why not the other way around?’

‘Well, sometimes I’m not sure I do, I mean, a lot of the time you’re reacting to me, throwing back my expressions and attitudes, the uppity servant as you’ve expressed it in the past... I know! You said it was the best day, well what we need is your emotional response to the unfolding events. They’re your photos, what did you feel, in the decisive moment?’

Five minutes later. ‘Don’t we have somewhere we ought to be?’

‘Only when you’ve finished. We’ll drop by the gallery and buy Tuffy out, of his stock of cheapo picture frames.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, we have a goodly collection of souvenir editions of The Beacon now, I think we should display them, show off your accomplishments.’

‘You really do take after your Aunt Elisabeth, only whilst she was showing off the rest of her family and hiding your notoriety, you want the whole world to know!’

‘Actually, they’ll have to be somewhere fairly discrete otherwise the newsprint will fade.’

‘How about the loo?’

‘Too damp.’

‘We could display nice prints of the pictures that have found their way into The Beacon. There, done! On your screen any second.’

‘Okay, I see it, I’ll save it for later, lets get some fresh, sea air.’

‘I’ve never been so embarrassed in all my life; told I was letting the side down. They even had the gall to question my patriotism. They said now was not the time to criticise Buffy on account of him spearheading the international response to the threat to freedom in eastern Europe. Mackintosh was no help, said most of my evidence was inadmissible since the premises were hired out to others at the time.’

‘How’s your mother?’

‘Alright, I suppose. She’s got me going through father’s things with a fine toothcomb, as it happens.’

‘I always admired her sense of humour.’

‘Mother? What can you mean?’

‘Understated.’

‘Anyway, all his diaries seem to be written in some kind of code! Can’t make head nor tail of them.’ Then, looking at what we were holding; ‘You really could do better with frames you know.’

‘Oh, they’re just for newspaper cuttings, Charlie’s growing fame and fortune, don’t you know.’

‘Tony! How are you?’ Said the Lady Vic, rising from her subterranean office and billowing forth. ‘There’s something I want to show you next door, you’ll keep Charlotte company won’t you darling?’

‘Of course.’

‘Actually, I don’t have anything to show you.’ She said when we were alone. ‘I just wanted a word in confidence.’

‘Carry-on.’

‘This business about mother-in-law’s goods and chattels, what’s that all about? Has the potential to put old friends at loggerheads seems to me.’

‘Well, I’ve not actually spoken to her on the subject. But she has confessed in the past to not really understanding her late husband’s business affairs. She knows Tuffy never took an interest, but I did of course. He was, in the absence of my father, a bit of a role model, a mentor if you will.’

‘So, I understand.’

‘He did rather well in his time. She wants to do right by him, needs someone she knows who cares, to go through everything and make sure nothing useful or valuable is well, lost. It’s not that Tuffy doesn’t care, just that he can be a bit careless, at times.’

‘You really don’t need to be so diplomatic with me, darling. We do go back a long way. For example, Tuffy really doesn’t need to be so coy about his affection for Charlotte, anyone who can calm him down gets my vote.’

‘Quite, well it may be that at the end of the day I just come away with half a dozen of his father’s first editions, but it would be tragic if we all missed out on assets hidden away amongst his papers.’

‘Thank you. I’m sure we can keep him straight. Let’s go back.’ When we re-emerged, Tuffy could be seen helping Charlie carry the frames to the car. ‘He’s genuinely happy you know, being my general factotum.’

‘I believe it, he knows he’s useful. A rare thing in his life.’

‘Well, if you’re having The Beacon on display, I insist on having copies of my Countrywoman articles, they have nice illustrations as well as the woodcut of my masthead.’

‘Done. And location?’

‘Put them, in date order, starting on the far side of the hall, then they can creep up the stairs.’

‘Okay.’ Then the doorbell rang, it happened I was closest for once.

It was Melisa; ‘Can we talk?’

‘Of course, come on through.’

‘Mummy is being a pain, again. She wants me to stay at school and go into their sixth form. I was thinking of the college. You’re the only one who can bring her to heal. Congratulations by the way Charlotte, the whole town is talking about your coup with the royals. Mummy says the council are hopping mad, might bring them to their senses.’

‘Take a seat, let me ruminate a moment.’

‘Tea on the patio? Ten minutes?’ Suggested Charlie.

‘Excellent. Now then. Ah, I’ve got it. By the way, you should be looking towards your father when it comes to such matters, he understands the academic better.’

‘Daddy is in Boston, presenting his final report to his American controllers.’

‘Really! Now then, the key point is that the only really legitimate excuse for favouring the college at the end of the day is it’s size, it must be the one place offering the subjects, you need. Perhaps even the subjects insisted upon by your chosen universities - whether you end up going is another matter entirely of course. See what I’m saying?’

‘God! That’ll mean working through the whole damn prospectus and cross referencing to who knows what.’

‘It’s two years of your life! And if you can possibly bear it, it’s the subject you really want to do, plus English and Maths ‘A’ level.’

‘Boring.’

‘You’ll get the benefit. It’s more than likely that by the time you reach the age of forty, your life will be dominated by running the Gruber Foundation, or whatever your father decides to turn himself into in his declining years.’

‘God, don’t you just hate it when Tony is right all the time, Charlotte?’ Said Melisa.

‘Don’t answer that, Charlie.’ Interceded Kenneth as we were all enjoying tea, el fresco. ‘Tony’s aunt, my dear friend, who used to own this place, allowed herself to get far too worked-up about him.’

‘One extra thing to remember Mel, the real deadline is not until the end of the summer, the first week of term in fact. You don’t actually need to have your preferred solution in place until then. You did say Boston? Not Washington and the Pentagon?’

‘Yes. Home next week.’

‘Tony and Melisa’s father are old rivals, Ken.’ Said Charlie.

‘But friendly, always on the same side at the end of the day.’

‘My other pain is this compulsory week-long end of term, work experience, mentoring nonsense. If I don’t come up with something, the school will dump me somewhere ghastly.’

‘Do I take it from your comments earlier, that you approve of the night shelter?’

‘My god! Tony, that’s brilliant! You couldn’t fix it for me, could you Charlotte?’

48: A bubble in the country

‘A jolly decent chap.’

‘Who?’

‘The assistant coroner I’ve just been speaking to. When I asked him specific questions, he gave straight answers, and when I didn’t ask, he stuck to giving me the minimum necessary details.’

‘So, who else have you managed to talk to?’

‘Births, deaths, and marriages, auntie’s vicarage and the only funeral director I know.’

‘And the answer is?’

‘Still not sure, a few more complications. Yes, auntie always did want to be buried alongside my uncle Thomas but that’s not going to happen, the funeral director suggested scattering her ashes at his graveside. I’m to email details ahead of time to the registry office to minimise contact when actually there. Right, time to check-out the Villa and see if I can confirm my memory of some of those details. I have the spare keys, I’ll drive.’

‘I’m afraid I’m going to immediately disrespect her memory by parking out the front because we have no choice but to use the front door!’

‘Do you know where to look for stuff?’

‘Well, I know where she did her letters, I’m hoping everything will be at arm’s reach. She didn’t drive and in recent years didn’t travel - an original copy of the birth certificate is of course what they’d be delighted to see. I would too, come to that, given their system is designed around them, connecting automatically to her marriage certificate and the whole family tree - that’s according to what I’ve read about research in Uncle’s account of his family. Compatible with census data and the War Graves Commission...’

‘Enough. Come on, time to move.’

‘Take a walk around, I’m sure there are bits of the house you haven’t seen yet.’

‘Okay.’

I settled myself down at the Aunt’s fold-down desk, part of a larger cabinet in her living room. Thankfully it wasn’t that old, otherwise I’d have been looking for hidden cachets! Presumably it was close, but not obvious.

‘Oh, really, this is too easy’, I spoke aloud a few moments later, as my hand came to rest on an envelope taped to the bottom of the shelf, accessed via the upper most draw below. ‘And, one green marriage certificate too, both in a traditional legal envelope. Bravo.’

I was awoken from a bit of a trance by a sudden exclamation from the floor above. ‘Oh my God. Tony!’ I moved as swiftly as I could. When I saw what had caused such alarm, I had to laugh.

‘It’s not funny, it’s spooky!’

‘You need the landing light on to fully appreciate it. There you go.’

‘Well, that’s better, just. Who painted it?’

‘Quite a distinguished RA I was always told.’

‘I’d have refused to pay the bill!’

‘All in the eye of the beholder, she and Uncle Thomas loved it, been there as long as I can remember, shown off to all comers.’

‘How old was she?’

‘Twenty-five-ish, I think.’

‘She didn’t change much did she!’

‘As a child I thought the eyes followed me around the room.’

A few days later we headed into the countryside. As we entered Checkley, as usual by the back door, laden with our modest baggage, we were expecting to see only the empty cavernous hallway with the familiar stone tiles. Instead, we were met by the sight of a voluminous pile of delivery boxes and our hosts standing rather formally to greet us. Julia took a step forward; ‘Tony, my darling, what can I say.’ We hugged awhile. ‘Damn it, she’s left me to cope with you alone. What am I to do with him Charlie?’

‘Fear not, madam. I’ll see there’s no backsliding.’

‘Ha! What did I tell you my dear? “Charlotte will see us right”. Now then young man, what is the meaning of all this?’ So said Uncle pointing at the accumulated deliveries.

‘My gift to you, giving you hands-on control of the Park, and your family history activities. Whilst Julia, can spend as much time on The Countrywoman as she likes.’

‘And you think you can set it all up for us, demonstrate it to us without causing mass disruption and headaches all round.’

‘I know I can.’

‘Is he shooting his mouth off again Charlotte?’

‘He’s put my treatment room online, plus got the new Park development website up and running already, and he’s negotiating with the club staff and committee members for a portal within the same site. He’s making offers people can’t resist all over the place.’

‘But can we trust him?’

‘Well, he’s been teaching me from the off, that it’s better to assume you can’t trust anyone.’

‘Okay, okay. Now, may I have permission to raid your cellar, for the benefit of all of us?’

‘Of course, Tony,’ said Julia, ‘I’ll come with you, you’ll need help carrying what we need!’

‘So, what do you make of all this modelling?’

‘Oh, I’m inclined to stick with real history. The last time, almost exactly a century ago, conflict in Europe was followed by a pandemic followed by the roaring twenties and prosperity all round.'

‘You’ve always behaved as if you were living the jazz age all over again!’

‘Oh, thank you very much - one tries to maintain a certain style, certain standards.’

‘Do you think our Prime Minister is thinking of the history books?’

‘Buffy, let me tell you, has always wanted to be a legend in his own lunchtime, but yes, he has an eye to history too.’

‘Is he the balls-up, or is it his officials?’

‘Oh, I think he must have realised he’d been stitched-up in the first five minutes.’

‘Really?’

‘Big data, being what it is, the voting patterns from the Brexit vote and the general election, plus records of trade union membership and affiliation mean, it’s a statistical certainty that almost everyone Buffy has to rely on is an opposition-voting remoaner! Plus, the added nightmare of the medical profession - doctors who didn’t become surgeons, or GP’s, or even psychiatrists, but went in for health education, preventive health. And ably assisted by university epidemiologists. Four out five university lecturers and researchers in the social sciences, health sciences, arts and literature - not to mention the educationalists themselves - are openly, of the Left. And it makes no difference even if these people think they are being strict with themselves about traditional civil service ethics of impartiality. Think about it, every single official has from day one of their working lives been working with EU directives handed down from above. And yet, we know that over the last ten years voters have been slowly but surely been moving to the Right. The entire elite is being anti-democratic, simply by carrying on doing what they normally do. Buffy, and his band of brothers, his happy few, probably don’t even have the relevant facts placed before them with which to balls it up!’

‘And this is the man Tony calls his arch enemy! Since school, apparently. More wine anyone?’

A while later. ‘If I might just call this meeting to order.’ Said Julia. ‘Just what precisely is in those boxes in the hall?’

‘Right then. You know how you originally had your “his and hers” desks set-up facing each other in the library...’

‘They still are.’

‘Quite. But back in the day, you sat opposite each other doing your letters and general administrating etc. All the while staring lovingly into each other’s, what’s its...’

‘What a soppy couple you make us sound.’

‘Well, you each now have matching, large 16:9 ratio monitors, but supported just a few centimetres off the desk top, so you should still be able to make eye contact over the top. Now the point is, they are naturally suited to having two adjoining, full-sized pages of a magazine or an A4 sized report, or book even - open at the same time. Editing, Cattle Rustlers and Courtiers perhaps, checking proofs of next month’s edition of The Countrywoman on the same system as the printers will be using. Am I making sense?’

‘Go on.’

‘In addition, you can log-in to the new websites of your respective organisations, participate as members of the club. Zoom Charlotte and I - or anybody else, in full Technicolor as you say. Add items to the agenda of the next meeting of the whatever. Plus, everything you normally do online. I should just say, I’ve tried to anticipate, so put-up various personal descriptors of you, profile pictures etc. But of course, all of that you can change, as owners there is no level of the sites you cannot access, assess and upon which - assert your wishes. Comprehend?’

‘Yes. I think so.’

‘Finally, complementary “his and hers” tablets and mobiles which I’ll fully synchronise to the PCs, but leave in their boxes. It’s only the PCs you’ll have to use.’

‘Must have cost you a pretty penny?’

‘Ah! Yes. You won’t be bothered by having to pay for any systems, subscriptions, accidental damage, cock-ups - on account of the fact, that the whole lot, is, strictly speaking, the property of the Trust.’

47: Sparkwell's virtual world

Legally speaking, we were pushing it. Sparkwell and I moved stealthily around the club interior for the better part of a day in the company of a long-time, tech savvy associate, one Fin Heptonstall, hired exclusively for six weeks, with the promise of another month or so of work developing a second website, if all went well with the Park. Charlie was tasked with dressing and lighting the set. I set to, creating a roaring fire with the idea that it should be the focus of the whole experience. Wood that had been a bit green at Christmas, now looked, felt and smelt much more useful.

‘My point is, Fin, this is only going to be seen by members, people very familiar with this lounge, the bar, dining area, spa, games room and the ballroom; the extremely distorted perspective of a Google, just won’t do. Equally, the ambience must be of an escape from the mad world outside. So, even if you end up with something more modest, like just one or two static viewpoints in each room, the realism of traditional photography is all. See what I mean?’

‘Sure, actually, that’s an editing problem, doesn’t effect what I do today, today I just do everything from the user’s, member’s point of view to the highest speed and fidelity I can, leaving maximum choice in the editing. Wow! How do you do that?’ I’d shocked him by making the fire so quickly, judging the draft just right. There is no better hypnotic than an open wood fire, nothing more natural.

I helped Fin unload from his van. The kit all seemed a bit Heath Robinson to me, but he declared that the trick was to mount the roving-eyed camera and gyroscopic what’s-it atop a movie industry standard, steady-cam support. ‘Now what I’m going to do is a comprehensive, all spaces thing first, then ask you to show me four or five typical walks through the building, where you’d stop, where you’d sit etc. All done to and from the fire, I think?’

‘What an excellent idea.’

Fin became particularly excited when he saw the ballroom all lit up. Charlie had made sure it was all in conference mode, with the slightly elevated stage and the screen behind. ‘Can you green-screen yourself at home?’

‘Er, only in a very limited sense, like a head and shoulders shot at my desk. Medium close-up, local newsreader style.’

‘Still, you could do a sort of Big Brother, message from your leader thing, seen from the back row here it would give the illusion of big screen cinema.’

‘Not really my style, I leave that kind of thing to Buffy Trumpton.’

‘Of course, you know him don’t you. Is he a bit of a fascist then?’

‘Oh no, he lacks the intolerance that comes with an ideology. No, Buffy is a naughty boy, not a crook. He’s also lucky. Happy to be thought of as a buffoon. But above all willing to go where angels fear to tread. Who dares wins - but a bit shaky as to where he wants to get to, and certainly no map reader!’

A day or so later at the apartment, Charlie commented; ‘We seem busier than ever, whilst the rest of the world is coming to halt.’

‘There are two sorts of people as far as I can tell. Those who see uninvited change as an opportunity to up their game and those who just want to huddle down.’

‘I think it’s becoming about insiders and outsiders, mind you the insiders rely a lot on their cars.’

‘A lot of driving around but not really going anywhere you mean?’

‘And a sort of superior designer mask when visiting the one-stop out of town shopping experience.’

‘The media talks a lot about the mental health implications of isolation, they don’t seem too worried about not being able to read others emotions through a mask!’

‘You can tell a lot from gait, even the way people point their feet.’

‘True.’

‘Julia! What’s the problem? You’ve gone quiet.’

‘Why do you look like you’re in a high definition, Technicolor version of your flat, whilst I look like I’m on grainy old black and white tv?’

‘Because you’re trying to run Windows 10 on a knackered machine, which won’t even accept the full standard package.’

‘Why do we have to do things like this anyway, what’s wrong with the telephone or writing letters?’

‘Because I’m going to tell you how, with your cooperation, I’m going to save your magazine and not leave you to go into debt. That fifty grand you stung me for a year and a half ago, will not be in vain. And what’s more, as soon as possible, I’ll personally come down and upgrade the two of you whether you like it or not!’

‘Oh lord. We don’t take kindly to being instructed, especially at our age.’

‘For goodness sake, this is twenty-twenty and you’ve only just turning sixty.’

‘Yes, but all this technology makes us nervous. I know what you’re going to suggest, our printers have been saying for years that the website and an app should be our main source of revenue, with a print edition half the size and with a much smaller run. I know some people think it’s already too late. We can’t even get our own .com name apparently.’

‘Julia, I hate to tell you this but, the Trust acquired thecountrywoman.com and crawfordspa.com years ago!’

‘I’m a bit nervous about this online consultation you think I can do.’ So said Charlie sat at my desk having just ended skyping a friend.

‘I think it’s all about creating the right atmosphere and getting the psychology right. I think you should work from your chair in the treatment room, when it’s alongside your table, as if you were working on someone’s hands. We set up Camera Two, fairly close-up, but a wide enough angle to see all the familiar stuff the client sees when settling down on the table. The background music can play as usual because it’s always behind you anyway, so the levels should be right when you speak, in fact start the music before connecting with the client. You, no matter what you see or hear from the monitor, carry-on in normal treatment room mode. See where I’m going with this?’

‘A person that I already know, looks weird on screen...’

‘And that might have nothing to do with their state of mind or physical condition in the here and now.’

‘But, oh god, if I instinctivly adjust my behaviour to what I see, they’ll experience what’s normally comforting as discomforting.’

‘I think so, that’s what we need to practice, me from here, you in the treatment room.’

‘They want the same feelings they always get.’

‘Yeah, you change nothing, they want to see you in your normal environment, doing your usual things, that’s what will be therapeutic. But you may not see a meaningful response, you may not register any of the normal positive feedback.’

So, we experimented. ‘It would be better if I saw no picture at all, just audio, the tone of voice, the way people say things.’

‘Yes, but believe me it’s only a question of practice, the brain uses selective attention all the time, it has too, you just have to consciously hack it for a while until it becomes a habit.’

‘Well not too much. If we self-isolate from each other we’ll be crazy within days!’

Then my mobile rang. ‘I see. ..Right. ..Well, thank you for letting me know.’

Charlie had returned from the treatment room. ‘Hospital?’

‘She’s worse, organs failing, end of life stuff, apparently they were going to try for some kind of emergency transfer somewhere, but she gave clear instructions not to. They all think they’ve all got it, but everyone is responding differently. I’d better do a bit of a ring round.’

25: Ghosts of Christmases past

‘Your mail, sir.’

My eye was caught by something bright and shiny entering my periphery. ‘Oh, we like that, we like that a lot, where on earth did you get it?’ Charlie was brandishing a silver tray or platter of some description upon which was a single printed letter, three apparent items of junk mail and the latest edition of The Countrywoman in a plastic wrapper.

‘I found it in a charity shop, I’ve been buffing it up. I hadn’t realised how polishing could be made an exercise in mindfulness.’

‘Oh well! In that case, you’ll find my handmade shoes at the bottom of the wardrobe.’

‘That reminds me I must sort through your clothes, some will need discarding, but most just need altering so they hang properly on your new body. I’m looking forward to meeting your tailor, never met one before.’

‘Yes, I suppose it has to be faced. Edoardo is going to love you, you’ll both be on my case in seconds, I don’t stand a chance.’ Then a thought suddenly struck me. ‘You know, he’s a bit of a sportsman, if you to hit it off, and he appreciates what we’re about, he might have some ideas about how to dress you.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘In your role, to use Daphne’s expression, as my valette.’


Later, as I was concluding a brief perusal of the magazine I couldn’t help wondering what the advertising said about the readership. Inside the back cover the entire page was given over to ‘bespoke’ fencing for an authentic ‘heritage’ effect, supplied by Woodlast Woodcrafts Ltd of Wellingsfield. Well, if it pays the bills I thought.

‘Julia has asked me to become a guest columnist.’

‘Excellent.’ I replied.

‘I’m not sure. There is lots I could say, it’s just I’ve never done that kind of writing.’

‘I’d be more than happy to edit you.’

‘She says most of the magazine has become too old fashioned, but she’s afraid of losing the readers she’s got. Her editor says she wants me to write about wellbeing and ecotherapy, but without the naff language. She says the column needs a title. I can’t image what.’

I found a piece of scrap paper and scribbled “The Home Wood Spirit”. ‘Just off the top of my head, as a start, traditional and modern?’

‘How do you do that? Get started I mean. Creating stuff.’

‘By knowing that the first attempt won’t be great, but then it doesn’t need to be. It just has to get you started.’

‘So how do you know when you’re finished?’

‘Well most people have deadlines. But you should know something can never be perfect, so you stop when it’s good enough, for now!’


‘So what do you normally do for Christmas?’ She said it like she was dreading the answer.

‘Well, it’s always been a sort of back and forth movement between Aunts as you might imagine, just a little less so whenever I’ve been involved with someone. The last couple of years it’s been Checkley for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then to Aunt Elisabeth’s for a Tea with the Book Club on Boxing Day.’

‘A book club on Boxing Day!’

‘Yes, it started life as an ordinary book club, hosted by a local library, but over the years it’s become all Auntie’s cronies, so they now tend to meet in each other’s houses.’

‘Literary, “tea and scandal”.’

‘Now that is good, but if you’re going to remember everything I say…’

‘Were they good Christmases when you were a child?’

‘Yes, and we do the dead a disservice if we don’t remember the good times. Wordsworth said it best, “Surprised by joy - impatient as the Wind ..Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind. But how could I forget thee? Through what power, Even for the least division of an hour…” His three-year-old daughter had died, he reproaches himself for letting the memory of her death, exclude his remembering the joyous moments of her life. Of course it also took me a while to appreciate that my aunts might be missing a brother and sister too. Sometimes it seems important to regress, to be the idiot child, they seem happier when I’m like that sometimes.’

‘My parents are alive and well, I see them about three times a year, but never at Christmas.’

‘There is some talk, that the Club Christmas lunch could be held on Christmas Eve itself. Quite a few of the members have no particular place to go. I could book one of the bedrooms for us?’

‘What about Checkley?’

‘Well they’d be honoured guests at the lunch.’

‘Yes, book a room. No surprises mind.’

‘The only surprise, if it goes ahead on the twenty-fourth, is that the Club has adopted the military tradition of officers waiting on other ranks.’


It was mid-afternoon about a week before Christmas that the apartment doorbell rang triggering the online imagery of two figures, Madam Concierge and our regular postie. Strange.

‘Personal delivery by hand sir, to be signed for’. I hesitated.

‘I found him in the building at an odd hour.’ Said the Dragon as some sort of justification for her presence.

‘I’m not expecting a parcel Barry, any idea what it is?’

‘Has the weight and feel of paper sir, like a mail order catalogue or a pack of printer paper.’

‘There’s no sender info apart from this code?’

‘No sir, they have to give their name and address to our computer though. It’s been scanned for security obviously. All I know is the first five digits there, tell you it’s our district, so a post office sometime after nine this morning.’

‘Thankyou Barry, most helpful, where do I sign?’

After closing the door I sat and fondled the parcel for a while. ‘Well! Open it.’ Charlie instructed.

‘Mm… The sender has clearly walked into one of our main post offices, grabbed stationary, had the counter help parcelling it up, and sent it, paying top whack.’

‘Oh for goodness sake, less of the Sherlock!’

I took my best scissors from the draw and began work. Charlie seemed agitated, rocking a little on her feet, it took me a moment to realise this was hovering - normally felt, not seen. ‘Well you could knock me down with a…’

‘I certainty could.’ She replied.

‘Ha! So much for “Recollections of a Long Life”, the sly old bugger, this is something else altogether, oh look - a note or missive. “Just a first draft you understand, sent it to Eddie, former County Librarian who will edit, thought you ought to see it if you are in this for the long haul.” Well, well. There appears to be a final chapter that is contemporary, but clearly a go at history, rather than gossip…’

‘What’s it called then?’

‘Brilliant, “Cattle Rustlers and Courtiers - a family history”.’


Uncle’s great work, over three hundred pages long, managed to grab our undivided attention in the days running up to Christmas. He wrote as he spoke, but that would be his editor’s problem, not ours. The story was more or less the Reformation to the present day, a gift of land by the Crown, for services rendered during Elisabeth I’s reign. The document screamed loyalty, continuity, community and a spirit of place.

‘He’s challenging you.’ Charlie said.

‘Yes, yes he is. And, despite the lack of a blood tie, offering numerous reasons to spend every last penny on the Park. This isn’t me making money for the Trust, this is Uncle’s mental takeover of another family’s Trust! And there was Julia, thinking it was some other kind of revenge.’

‘He has you snookered old boy!’

18: Sparkwell insists

‘Who did you order that parcel from?’ said Charlie, standing in the bay window, surveying the street.

‘An internationally renowned online retailer, why do you ask?’

‘I thought there was something odd when I opened the door to him, barely any English, pretty scruffy. Now he’s taken-off, in a little yellow van.’

‘Interesting, the delivery notifications are only just coming through - I opened the package a good five minutes ago!’

‘What was in it?’

‘Oh, exactly what was meant to be. I reckon the usual carrier is having a busy day and has hired extra help. He may not have the right kit for real-time reporting.’

‘We’ve become a bit sad.’

‘As in desperate you mean?!’

‘Yes. I mean, with all we’ve got, yet today we’re just moping around like, I don’t know what.’

‘Waiting, worse than the dentist.’

‘How will we hear?’

‘I don’t know, people have different ways of asking for help.’

‘Does he know he needs help?’

‘Excellent question, we are becoming one.’


Julia turned-up unannounced just after lunch. I say lunch, but since we were at the apartment it was strictly Sparkwell Rules so, enough said.

‘I’ve been sent as an emissary by your Uncle.’

‘And?’

‘There is no and - just come at once!’

‘You’re here to persuaded us to come at once?’

‘He thinks you’ll do it for my sake. Whilst I know you’ll do it because ultimately your ambition is to install Charlotte as the “lady of the manor”.’

‘What!’ exclaimed Charlie.

‘Oh yes, you don’t know him well enough yet, his fantasy is you, “mistress of Checkley”.’

‘All I’ve been trying to do is get myself in a financial position whereby I could do justice to the place should Uncle decide to leave all and sundry to you - made all the more urgent by your previously stated intentions viz. your Will. And were such circumstances to come about, I hardly think our ideas about what’s Green, would involve either of us - Lording it. No disrespect intended but, did you not teach yourself how to award prizes at the village fete, precisely in order to look “lady of the manor-ish”? Putting on the old airs and graces. Not that Charlie couldn’t pull it off, were she so minded. Anyway, my point is I don’t think we can be of much help apart from being an extra pair of hands.’

‘Two extra pairs of hands.’ Charlie interjected.

‘Quite.’

‘But at least you know more about wine making than my beloved’. Asserted Julia.

‘Not much. I know enough to know I don’t know.’

‘So, come and give a gentle nudge when required.’

‘But you can’t “nudge” wine making, any of it, from harvest to when you drink it, it has to be one person dictating from start to finish, absolute rule.’

‘Why?’

‘Taste, the palette of one person, imagining a final product, which may not emerge for years!’

‘But I’ve heard you say it’s all like a laboratory or factory these days!’

'Not when all you’ve got is a couple of rows of vines out the back, next to the pissoir!’

‘So, you’re willing to be there helping your Uncle make a balls-up of it?’

‘Look, how can I put this; grapes end up fermenting into alcohol right? Well that starts when they are fat and ripe on a hot day, full of sugar and for one reason or another get a slight bruise or blemish and continues on and on - until the winemaker decides to slow it up, perhaps several times, or bring it to a halt altogether. The secret, like comedy, is timing. The modern method, the factory method, is pick fast by machine at dawn and never let them get more than a few degrees about zero until the juice is more or less air-tight in a stainless-steel vat with you controlling all future inputs and outputs.’

‘Right, okay, so anything traditional is less predictable you mean?’

‘Very unpredictable. You guess the best time to pick for ripeness, remembering that will vary a lot within a single vineyard. Pick as quickly as you can after first light, press quickly in the Cave, then; our man - and ninety percent of the time it is still our man - tastes the rough juice and everything comes to a halt until he’s made a decision. Trouble is, the pressing itself, in an enclosed space with humans present, is a major accelerant to the whole process - my worry is Uncle will make a rash decision in the heady atmosphere and promptly keel over!’

‘But you made him buy a small refrigeration tank, you knew he’d need it.’

‘Sure, but that’s the easy part, you need to be able to judge the potential of the juice for the kind of wine you want to end up with, all I’ve ever done is watched from the shadows on a few occasions. And I was only once offered a taste, it’s pretty unattractive, I wouldn’t have a clue.’

‘Charlotte?’

‘I’ve never even been there at vendange.’

A silence descended. After what seemed an age Julia said; ‘He’s been a bit down anyway, he’s grateful that you delivered him from the hands of the suits at the Club, but he’s nervous about who’s going to turn up at the next meeting of management and shareholders.’

‘Tell him, all will be well.’ I said.

‘Is that all you’re going to say,’ said Charlie a little perturbed.

‘What should he be saying?’ Julia spoke-up.

‘I know he hasn’t told you everything, I know he hasn’t told me everything.’ Then, turning to me. ‘Well?’

‘Does nobody in this family trust me to do the right thing?’

‘I can’t live with all this, if you don’t speak up I will.’

‘Well, I sort of implied that when I was approached by a solicitor about the mine changing hands, he was a stranger; truth is we go back away.’

‘You said you were going to right an ancient injustice! I only went along with it because you dressed it up like you were on the side of… what’s right, what’s natural.’

‘What’s he done?’

‘It’s all him, start to finish, but it seems for some reason all he’s actual done is taken more than a million out of the Trust, paid nothing out, got forty per cent of the club for nothing and found a way of turning it into a cash cow for himself!’

‘Well Tony, how were you going to finish it?’

‘You know all about it?’ Interrupted Charlie.

‘Well I know what Tony thinks needs putting right, its family history. But as for money matters, well that’s just him moving his own money around to make even more, surely?’

‘Look,’ I said. ‘Just draw me a line in the sand Charlie and I’ll stop. No ifs, no buts. I mean, that’s what makes us unbeatable.’

‘That’s all right Charlotte, on this occasion I know exactly where the line is.’ Turning to me she said; ‘The magazine is going through a sticky period and I’m not touching your Uncle for it right now. Write me a cheque for fifty grand.’

‘Done. Now then, where did I put the right cheque book?’