30: Wedding of the year

‘Bloody hell! The woman’s wearing white, damn it! They’re both on the wrong side of forty.’

‘Calm yourself, Cat.’ I whispered back as the real action began.

‘What is the C-of-E thinking of? This place has always been high church. There’s a Civil War pub three doors down. And I know for a fact Prue’s been round the block more than once.’

‘Yes, but that was before she became a virgin.’

‘What?’

‘You know, everyone rebrands themselves these days, rewrites the past in their heads so they can identify as somebody else. She’s managed to get what she wanted with all the trimmings. Besides, if it really bothers you, stick your hand up when they get to the “just impediment” bit.’

‘No, the sods will have changed the order of service. It’s Rory I feel sorry for.’

‘Nonsense, she’ll make a perfect old style political wife, even a grand hostess perhaps. If this reception works, perhaps she’ll want to hire the Park for a political salon from time to time.’

‘Where’s Charlie? I’ve been looking forward to seeing her in a dress, and a hat.’

‘Me too, I can assure you. However she’s in full dress uniform today, acting as event organiser for the Park.’

The service turned out a bit dull in the end, simply because everything was done in such a correct manner. Everyone was there, with one notable exception - and I don’t mean Charlie. I’d rather assumed the unspeakable Buffy Trumpton would put in an appearance, Rory having now joined him in Westminster. After Prudence had commanded the photographer in his duties, we all piled into the official transport, but not before she’d sidled up to me; ‘Are you sure your strumpet can handle this?’

‘Naturally. Besides, we’ve been in constant communication all a.m. Anyway, you remember the Christmas party?’

‘Oh yes, of course. How come you always look the best dressed person in the room, even at a girl’s fucking wedding?’

I took both her hands in mine for a second or two, a pattern break if ever there was one; ‘Everything is going to be okay. You’re a winner, always have been.’

It was a few minutes after we’d all congregated at the veranda bar end of the Park lounge that it happened. Two figures could be seen running out from the house, each laden down with what appeared to be a pile of bed sheets. They skirted the pond and headed towards the ninth green, whipped the flagpole out and started arranging the sheets on the ground. The room went quite, as the distant sound of rota blades began to be heard. Someone opened the glass doors. ‘I say! This is fun, what?’ exclaimed Tuffy.

‘I’ve a horrible feeling I know what’s going to happen next.’ So said a familiar female voice. I turned to see Carrie at my side.

‘Oh no. Seriously?’

‘I think so, look over there, she’s turned as white as her dress.’ As everyone moved forward, some already on the lawn, Prudence remained stock still.

Sure enough a minute or so later a shock of blond hair could be seen bounding from the flying conveyance and immediately orientating itself towards the closest person in the crowd. With outstretched hand, Buffy - for it was he - began approaching everyone in turn, the vigorous handshake accompanied at the end by the placing of the open palm of the left hand half way up the forearm for just a moment.

‘Of course, the man’s quite sound politically.’ Another voice, this time male. ‘Although his popularist approach would not be my own.’

‘He gets your vote then Frimley?’

‘He’s a winner, he’s what every party needs.’

‘Thank you by the way for your assistance re. recent local difficulty.’

‘You’re welcome. May one enquire whether you were able to plug the other end of the leak, so to speak?’

‘Oh yes, a minor functionary in the Park administration saw the error of his ways.’

‘And how did you achieve that?’

‘I’ve no idea, I delegated the matter entirely to my assistant. After all, she was the object of his fascination.’

Finally having run out of greetable wedding guests, Buffy paused, looked around, saw me and resumed his bounding walk towards the bar. ‘Ah, there you are Anthony, I was hoping you’d be here, there’s a somewhat delicate matter that’s arisen regarding young Rory, I need your advice.’

‘Well if it’s just advice, I can relax then.’

‘Yes, quite.’

‘Here, have some bubbly.’

‘I never drink now. Clouds the judgement.’

‘You know yours is the first chopper we’ve had on the lawn.’

‘For goodness sake it’s not mine! It’s on loan, an experiment, a friend of the party has offered it full-time when the crisis comes.’

‘Still trying to leverage your way into Downing Street, by fair means or foul?’

‘We do go back a long way Anthony; I was hoping we could trust each other on this one.’

‘It’s because we go back a way, that neither of us can rely on trust. Carrie is hereabouts, you should have a word.’

‘All right, cards on the table, I need Rory singing from the Team Buffy hymn sheet therefore I need Prudence batting for me, and I need Carrie back too, she’s a genius when it comes to PR. Only you can fix it all. And when I win, and you know I will, I’ll be the best-informed man in the realm, so I’ll know in minutes how you’ve managed to acquire your own slice of rural England. I might even be able to confirm the rumour about Earnshaw.’

‘What rumour?’

‘That he’s had to resign from the council of that hair-shirt chapel he’s a member of because he’s a porn addict.’

‘All of which gives me any number of reasons not to lift a finger to help you. So, amaze me, pull the rabbit out of the hat.’

‘You’ll do it because you won’t be able to stop yourself, you’re an addict too in your own way. Addicted to playing the puppeteer. We both know it’s all a game, we’ve always opposed each other, it works, we have more in common than those who surround us.’

‘How’s the diet coming?’

‘I always saw you, you know, staring down from your window, every time I was hitting the home stretch when out on a run after afternoon school, I’d never have finished if you hadn’t been watching.’

‘We were generally waiting for the butter to melt on our toasted tea cakes.’

‘And now you have to employ someone to impose self-discipline from without.’

‘You do realise we both, have both our elbows on the bar - you don’t often see that.’

‘We should mingle, wouldn’t want the others to think we were conspiring.’

‘I knew this would happen, when you didn’t turn up at the church, I thought yes, no amount of him smartening himself up, no winning smile for the bride - would help in the least.’

‘They, think we, are lazy.’

‘When in fact we, simply aspire to an easy life. Any ideas on how to scrape Tuffy off the pavement when all this goes down?’

‘Simple, now he’s hit his stride he’ll want to aim higher.’

29: Earnshaw's revenge

‘Charlotte!’

‘What?’

‘What, no “sir”?’

‘I’m trying to concentrate.’ I’d entered the kitchen only to find her with her head in a book entitled Vegan Enlightenment.

‘I’ve told you before, those glasses for a fiver from the chemist won’t do, you need a prescription pair. You’re a profitable going concern now, there’s no excuse.’

‘Okay, what’s your problem?’

‘Our problem is we need to get you in the club. As a member I mean, not being forever signed in as a guest. It’s one thing to be in demand, we like that, quite another to be seen loitering alone in the hallway waiting for the next poor sap to come along. You have to be seen to glide in unimpeded, more to the point we need you covered by membership insurance, it won’t cover you accepting odd commissions on the sly, but it will cover you, and them, for normal personal injury stuff etc. You can’t, as yet, afford the outrageous fees, so, like with your clothing allowance, Brinkley will have to get creative. I’ll be expected to put your name forward, but that means I won’t be allowed to attend the membership committee, but I can’t think there will be a problem.’

‘What do I have to do?’

‘Fill out this form by hand, then I’ll word process it for you.’

‘That’s it?’

‘Sure. All the committee asks of itself is “who’s met her” and “does she fit in?”.’

It was about a week later, whilst idling an hour or so at the Park, that I was approached by a tall, gangling, spectacled figure. ‘Anthony old man, a word in your shell-like. Information has reached me that you and your, companion, have gone viral, in the worst way.’ It was Frimley Coates, club member and devotee, like Rory Flotterton, of the double-breasted suit. But, unlike Rory, not of the old school since he’s a left footer.

‘Really, how strange.’

‘All rather embarrassing. It seems, sources inform me, that edited highlights of your recent stay here over Christmas now appear on the world’s largest porn site.’

‘Good lord.’

‘Odd that you should have forgotten to turn off security, that sort of thing being rather your hobby and all that.’

‘What the sex or the cameras?’

‘You seem a little blasé, I don’t image Ms Sparkwell will consider the matter so lightly.’

‘Thank you for your concern Frimley, I shall investigate, the matter need go no further.’

‘But my dear fellow, it’s all over the club already!’

‘Your joking!’

‘Not in the least. I’ve tracked it down, only took eleven key strokes and four key words!’

‘Well let’s have a look then.’

‘Frimley, thought you’d be quite upset.’

After a short pause. ‘I am now, the editing is bloody awful.’

‘Well the camera positions are fixed.’

‘Yes, but it kind of misses out the best bits. My French selfies are better than this. Wait a minute, there is something a bit odd about it.’

‘I know, at first I thought the timeline was just wrong when cutting between cameras…’

‘It’s like the person who did this, didn’t quite get what they were looking at.’

‘Quite.’

‘So, why make it anyway?’

‘Well clearly not an attempt to burn us, otherwise we’d have got a copy through the post with a demand for cash or some favour. Rather an effort at public embarrassment or humiliation, one might suppose.’

‘Will it work?’

‘Well that depends as much on how we respond, as it does on anyone else.’

‘And Frimley said it was all over the club, how?’

‘Well I think I’m about to find out. Give it a couple of minutes. Twenty-five quid says it’ll be Tuffy.’

‘I’m not betting against you.’

‘But we must also ask, why all over the club? Would you want to see an intimate video of your friends going at it? It’s the outsider looking on who either gloats or offers moral censure. Here we go. Yes! Bless you my son. And he’s forwarded the original. That link looks decidedly dodgy. Now, reply unredacted, “Thanks old man”. Now that looks like the dumbest thing to do, but hopefully it will force… Yes, the systems done it all for me.’

‘So what happen? You’re secure obviously.’

‘Yes, now my system has quarantined everything with either Tuffy’s email or that of the original emailer. The thing is, it will also reach out to the cloud. One man’s security system being another man’s spyware. So, “see details”. Oh, that’s rather dull, never mind.’

‘What is?’

‘I thought this might be fun, but it seems, I can’t be certain yet, but this all comes back to the Park company’s system. This file it has just created is very fat. It’s all me, or the Park or the club, and goes round and round in circles. Too tedious for words. I suspect whoever was acting as caretaker on the 27th December - the “inside man” as it were - reviewed security, thought it interesting, then with nothing better to do, started editing it there and then on the same machine, sent it to themselves at the club presumably, then forwarded it to whoever on the membership list they thought might be prepared to offer a bung. Sometime later, it may have been the same person who distributed it to selected individuals on behalf of the Mr Big.’

‘Frimley?’

‘Well, I doubt it. He was the obvious choice for messenger precisely because he is what he seems, very conventional and true to his greed. But I do think the idea is moral outrage at my behaviour. Now, which of my enemies feels hard done by on moral grounds?’

‘Everyone you screwed over when you grabbed control the Park! What chance have I got with the club membership committee now?’ I could have done with some digital help reading her face at that moment, not anger more like sadness, despair?

‘Every chance in the world - if I have anything to do with it.’

‘Mr Coates sir, may I refresh your glass?’

‘Oh, there’s really no need…’

‘Frimley! How are you?’ I said, approaching from the other direction. ‘Anything you like on the menu, you only have to ask, on my account.’

‘No really. And the answer to your question is I only heard about it by email like everyone else.’

‘Well, not everyone else to be precise, my digital consultants tell me only three others received it and they, for various reasons, have notoriously loose tongues. You on the other hand are the soul of propriety. Have you asked yourself why you were informed of our activities?’

‘I take your point.’

‘So, who wishes to induce moral outrage at the private, adult-consenting activity of Charlotte and myself, recorded on my cameras in a building of which I am the part owner?’

‘An interesting question.’

‘Charlie’s application for membership will come up at the next committee.’

‘Indeed. Really Anthony I thought I was just giving you the heads-up! And I can assure you I hit the pause button the moment I realised…’

‘No need to explain. We believe you. You see I have a hunch as to who is so anxious to have everyone question my morals. I think, this is all about tin churches, on remote hillsides, with an east wind coming off the sea.’

‘Now that, is something I could find out about.’

‘I thought you might.’

It was one morning in spring that Charlie suddenly exclaimed; ‘This letter is addressed to the both of us.’

‘Well don’t bother with the silver salver then, open it yourself.’

‘Very grand stationary, blimey, it’s finally going to happen, Miss Prudence and the Honourable Rory, at the church of St. Mary the… and later at Crawford Park! I wasn’t informed of this.’

‘Well, I wanted it to come as a surprise.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘The thing is, this is a bit of a new venture for the Park staff, they feel confident they can handle it, but it’s just the question of crowd control that concerns them, they were rather wondering if you might be prepared to give a repeat performance of what everyone saw at Christmas.’

‘You’ve told them haven’t you, promised me to them without my consent.’

‘Now, they’ve been very tolerant about our out of hours adventures. And your membership went through without discussion apparently. And, now you have the first outfit - think of that. You won’t even have to appear at the church in a hat!’

28: Bespoke Charlie

‘That was a bit weird.’

‘Wasn’t it just.’

‘I read The Cinder Yard by Maria Chapelle years ago, wartime bonking amongst the working classes. I wonder who’s choice it was? I could feel the chorus of disapproval from the kitchen.’

‘Perhaps they thought, elderly local writer, can’t go wrong with her!’

‘Back to the apartment?’

‘Home Charlie and don’t spare the horses. Oh, a notification. Good lord. You know you were going on about getting my clothes altered the other day.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I messaged Edoardo straightaway because he’s really quite successful in his own way, just has a few clients now and doesn’t have to work, so one really needs to book in advance and just wait. Well, he’s replying from Gstaad would you believe, says they’ve been lent a chalet by a grateful client. Well! He won’t get that kind of a freebie from me - I know too much about his past. He’s given me a date in ten days.'

When it finally came time, we trudged through the winter rain. ‘Where are we going?’

‘It’s a bit of a hike I know, but since he downsized from London, he doesn’t need expensive frontage, just workshop space.’

‘So is it just him or does he employ people?’

‘Well, I think these days it’s only him dealing with the customers, negotiating, measuring, doing bits of added design work, buying cloth, and I think he does all the cutting too. So, depending on demand, he just has a couple of seamstresses who get hired on an ad-hoc basis. He calls them his ‘girls’, but of course you never get to see them, I suspect they’re as ancient as he is.’

‘So he’s Italian right? The family trade?’

‘Well, yes and no. It’s many generations since any of the family were born in Italy and he was the first to take up tailoring, I think originally they were one of the Glasgow ice cream families, but I may be wrong about that. But he will lay on the Italian thing for customers if he thinks it’s to his advantage. Don’t get me wrong, he’s top class at his work, but a Londoner born and bred. “Edoardo” is an affectation I join in with when it suits me. Here we are. I rather suspect that Gstaad, is the closest he’s ever been to Italy!’

‘Mr Benedetti, good morning to you.’

‘And the same to you sir, come along in.’

‘This is my new PA, Ms Sparkwell, she’s brought along the items in question, also there is what I’m wearing!’

‘So I can see, a most remarkable transformation, let’s make a start right away then, we can talk as we go, this will have to be an ongoing project throughout the spring, there will be more items I assume in the fullness of time Ms Sparkwell, or may I call you Charlie?’

‘Er, yes. Well, his whole wardrobe really.’

‘Okay, well I’ll commit to anything we’ve made for you, you will be charged just for the labour, however many hours it takes the girls. But it is going to be about a ten-day turnaround on each outfit, it’s going to add up to a lot Tony.’

‘I realise that, and I appreciate the time and trouble, I - perhaps I should say we - may also have a new commission for you today. Just what have you heard about us Eddie?’

‘Discretion Tony, I’d be out of business if ever…’

‘I’m not asking you to reveal your sources, just what do you understand of our, relationship?’

‘ “Miss Charlotte” was the form of address if I recall, a sort of personal trainer come personal assistant who seems increasingly to behave like a gentleman’s valet from movies of the nineteen thirties.’

‘That is our public persona, and it works. Charlie can do the work of three and blend into the background at the same time, we’re looking for the look Eddie, a woman in men’s clothing, but still very much a woman, a classic look, but someone who doesn’t look out of place shimmering across the hallway of a great house or grand hotel lobby today.’

‘Okay, this is expensive, two outfits, it will cost as much as two new suits for you.’

‘Explain.’

‘First the feminine. It’s nothing to do with the clothes, it’s in the walk and therefore the shoes, two pairs, heels but no more than say inch and a half, bit of a lift, but okay for suddenly picking up luggage etc. Right? You must go to your London shoemaker, take advice, nothing to do with me, also hair always as you have it now, showing the back of neck, it’s a draw, so you in charge. Most of this you have already, I know, I see it when you arrive. Clothes is the difficult bit. Okay, changing room, next outfit.’

Three minutes later. ‘What you have to understand is that the cloth has to be inferior to yours Tony, not what we have here; tough and hard wearing for sure, but the servant mustn’t out shine you, besides, what can the servant - albeit a very good one - afford? He, in this case she, has to have clothes that fit well because they are working clothes, like the craftsman of old in the workshop wearing tie, waistcoat, jacket on the side etc. I think I have to bring in Sally, she can be our buyer, then I will commit to altering whatever she can find.’

‘Who the hell is Sally?’ I called from behind the curtain as I changed again.

‘She was an assistant to a costume designer in the movies for years.’ Edoardo was pinning his notes to the items he’d already marked as I emerged for yet more frisking and fondling. ‘I set-up a meeting between Charlie and her, girls-only thing, then we wait, ask no questions about where the clothes actually come from, I pay Sally’s price no questions asked. Repair, alteration, cleaning we do here, all at the same time.’

‘How long does all this take?’

‘Who can say, but good project, I like the idea.’

‘How about I say that as soon as you get clothes for Charlie, you suspend work on my alterations, that would speed things up?’

‘Good, good. But separate, separate new account for Charlotte please, different payment right.’

‘Okay, let’s say I prime my account with 10k, and another 20k for this new arrangement?’

‘You’re a gentleman, sir.’

‘Mouth closed Charlie, breathing gently through the nose. How was Gstaad, Eddie?’

‘Lovely accommodation, lovely long walks, couldn’t afford to buy anything or eat out of course, but who cares, the best things in life are free.’

‘Have you gone completely nuts!’ It had stopped raining now. We were wandering back to the car.

‘I don’t think so. What do I always say about staying rich?’

‘But how the hell do you get your money back on this? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s expensive because it’s quality, classy, understated, subtle, most people won’t notice and those who do will be fashionable women who admire a slightly masculine cut!

‘Precisely so.’

‘Well?’

‘With the blokes it’s unconscious. Firstly I’m known for being the best dressed male in the room, naturally my “servant” is top draw. But the thing is, and it’s only in the last month or so that I’ve really begun to appreciate this, people want to be associated with you, as much as with me, more in some cases. Have you worked out what all your tips add-up to over a month, added in the things paid for by others on your behalf, gifts - like those Christmas presents?’

‘I don’t have to tell you that!’

‘Of course not, but do you know? People are beginning to wish they had someone like you. Besides, it won’t come to twenty grand if I’m any judge, but the account will be in your name and in credit. It’ll give you a start, Edoardo is well connected in the world of the well-dressed. I still can’t get over Gstaad, that’s like après ski with the producers of movies, the owners of F1 teams…’

27: Book of the month

‘What’s all this?’

‘It’s not me it’s the others. They’ve been coming up to me for weeks, “I say old man, slip this under your tree for Sparkwell”, I didn’t want them to know all your business so…’

‘It’s going to look a bit bad when they realise I haven’t reciprocated.’

‘Not anymore!’

‘How do you mean?’

‘They don’t expect anything in return, in fact even if you were inclined to, you shouldn’t. It’s like the tipping, they’re giving you what is justly yours. They’re fans Charlie, and as long as you don’t start behaving like a Diva, you’re set for life. You just have to slightly adjust your view of yourself, give yourself slightly higher status. Imagine we’d met during a war, that you’d been my trusted soldier servant, that we’d saved each other’s lives, etc.’

It was Christmas morning and for the very first time we were having a lie in. Charlie had even allowed use of the teamaker so generously provided by the Park. We stared into space, wondering what to do with a country mansion that was ours alone for the next twenty-four hours.

‘How come Julia isn’t a Countess, but just a Lady?’

‘Ah, yes, well, ha, now we are into dark waters, and I can’t pretend to really understand, try searching College of Arms.’

‘Who?’

‘They’re a sort of office of state, there to keep the official record of titles, and the rights that follow from them, everything the Crown has given away down the centuries.’

‘My mobile is in my bag, you explain. I mean a Countess is more important surely, normally goes with an Earl.’

‘Well, the thing is, these days, looking on from the outside, then yes, Countess seems grander. They could go about as the Earl and Countess of this place, but it’s something about the lesser title Uncle had when they first married, being older. If you’re part of the aristocracy what really counts in terms of status is longevity, how far back in history your direct ancestor got their title and authority. And, over the years, as with so many things, the number of different titles has expanded, more and more people have been given them with more and more elaborate names, a sort of grade inflation I suppose. Then again it may all just be in a family name, catch Cat Mackintosh when he’s had a skin-full and he’ll claim, “my people came south with James I”. Now that’s well before the act of union, well before any Scottish dukedom. Ask him about Scottish independence and you’re likely get the reply; “Independence from whom?”

‘Do you know how to get onto the roof?’

‘Yes, but don’t tell anyone, especially Uncle.’

‘You can have me up there. In fact, lay it on.’

‘Yes, best left till the spring. Then in the summer you can spend a night up there alone looking at the stars. You know I’ve noticed lately you’ve started giving very direct, one might say unemotional statements, that’s what I’m meant to do, whilst you’re supposed to be flooded by emotion. I never thought much of the idea of an autistic spectrum as you know, but now I’m thinking it has totally out lived its usefulness.’

‘American users of services often call themselves neuro-atypical.’

‘Interesting. On the other hand if all the vital hormones are neurotransmitters too, especially those which can permeate the nasal cavity…’

‘Dirty sod.’

‘..you and I must be thoroughly locked-on to each other by now, our brains will have already developed new neural pathways, new structures. What I mean is, neither of us can be what we once were.’

‘What you mean is, we’re stuck with each other!’

And so we idled away our time, until late in the evening a text arrived from Aunt Elisabeth. ‘Gosh, things must be bad, we’ve been asked to rally round.’

‘Sorry? I don’t get it.’

‘Well rather than turn up at four o’clock prompt tomorrow for tea as honoured guests, there to mingle with the members of the Book Club, she’s humbly requesting we turn up at noon, help organise, make tea and serve etc.’

‘What happened?’

‘Not sure, she just says, “let down by my usual caterers”.’

I started briefing Charlie more or less as soon as she pulled out of the Park carpark, there was some ground to cover. Naturally enough, parking arrangements at Aunt Elisabeth’s rather desirable Edwardian town house took a while to explain - not least because the Aunt disapproved of my two-seater and always wanted it out of sight. Then the house itself. ‘What you have to understand Charlie is, although that side of the family made money from trade, nonetheless they always aspired to grandness, to acquiring a history, so you’ll find the whole interior a bit museum like, not just out of date because of her age, but the walls of every room are used as a kind of billboard for advertising the enterprise of all my ancestors, that is those who achieved something Auntie approves of, there are quite a few others who have been quietly forgotten.’

‘Shame, they’re the ones I really need to know about!’

‘Keep your eyes on the road. Now then, you’ll also find various bits of medical tech discretely left lying about and when she refers to the domestic help I’m never quite sure of their status; housekeeper or home help, carer or nurse, cook or chief bottle washer - see what I mean?’

‘I know a bit about that, she’s confided a lot about the people she’s consulted for various complaints down the years.’

‘Excellent. Now, the guest list. Although almost all of them are well to do, none of them are as rich as she is - and as you are aware she herself is better off than she realises - so, many of them look forward to her turn as host with eager anticipation, a mix one suspects of envy and admiration, of despising at the same time as wanting to know how it’s done. Now, here we are, the house is the third one up the street coming up on the left, but as I said keep going because we need to park in the back lane.’

As she came to a halt and cut the engine Charlie remarked; ‘Is there enough space for others to pass?’

‘Just, it was of course built for the tradesmen’s horse and cart, not a coach and four.’

‘Really?’

‘Sure, look at the clever kerbstones, the steep camber, there are no storm drains, water runs straight down the road and about a quarter of a mile distant goes over the cliff into the bay. It worked too, those palm trees we passed have flourished for a century, properly drained you see…’

‘You’re nervous, that’s what sends you all nerdy.’

‘Well, just a bit.’

‘Stick to the essentials, we’re on time but only just.’

‘Okay, so we enter by the back gate, it’s a long garden, but a nice straight level path for the delivery boy’s trolley.’

‘Shut, up!’

As we walked up the path we passed under the rather tatty remains of what must have once been a rather spectacular bower. ‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to say…’

‘We’ll be late.’

‘It’s okay, she’ll be able to see us from the villa now.’

‘Villa? Oh I see, as in detached. Well get on with it.’

‘Julia wasn’t quite on the mark when she said I had fantasies of you being mistress of Checkley. The fact is the old aristocracy were rather good at recognising the differences between men and women, our need to do our own thing and for personal space. When I think about the manor I imagine owning it and having charge of it, making it my space. There, the lady of the house would fit in with my wishes. However, these couples of olden days usually had another property in town, naturally the wife had her own social circle and anyway might well live in a place like this during various seasons of the year, where she’d be the one calling the shots, so to speak. I merely mention this in passing.’

Charlie turned to face me, with a definite thrust of the chin. ‘You’d better look sharp about it my lad, because if you can’t keep me satisfied, day to day, week to week, your future imaginings will be just so much bollocks!’

As we approached the back door there was the sound of bolts being drawn. ‘Thank you for coming at such short notice my dear. Anthony, show Charlotte how to use the scraper.'

As we passed through the old pantry: ‘Now I’ve found you an old apron, but it does have some lovely embroidery on it, it used to belong to Bernard Merriweather’s mother, she was a wonderful cook, started out in life working as a maid for that dreadful man who made his millions from convenience stores and had that mock castle built on the edge of the Moor. She was forever recalling how the flat roofs leaked. Anthony, you’d better remove that jacket, roll up your sleeves and put on this gardening apron of Mr Murchison’s, who by a strange coincidence is related to…’