82: Offers to treat

‘You haven’t asked what the agenda is today?’ I spoke.

‘I don’t need to.’ She replied.

‘Oh, yes?’

‘We, are taking a hike, to town.’

‘Oh lord, walk two miles around the hills to go half a mile as the crow flies.’

‘Wrong, I have a short cut, to get you to a haircut with Margot.’

‘Do we have to?’

‘Yes. I’ve lost control of your hair, it’s become lop-sided. Besides, we have other commissions too.’

‘Well, just don’t do this tomorrow, we have a long day’s negotiations at our HQ at the old bank.’

Sparkwell led me out via the tradesman’s entrance. We proceeded passed our new garage. ‘If all goes well tomorrow, Jack will get a down payment within hours and we will have secured the new car, hopefully the same colour, but I suppose the bumpers will look slightly different, like on the one we took to France.’

‘When I was sweeping out the inside, I had the thought it might make parking easier if we painted the interior white.’

‘But driver-assisted works perfectly well in the dark!’

‘But I like it switched-off, I told you it kept cutting-in when I was crashing around country lanes.’

‘I’ll concede it is inherently de-skilling. But I should warn you, once Jack has modified the new car, he will be doing computer upgrades on the old one.’

‘Right, we take a right here.’

Having descended on the town remarkably quickly, I got a five-minute rest whilst Margot performed her corrective procedures. Throughout she remained in instructor mode, they both seemed to find endless fascination in the crown of my head! Afterwards, Charlie apologised for not hanging around saying we were on a tight schedule and nudged me to pay and go. ‘What’s the urgency?’ I asked.

‘Edoardo will be leaving the workshop at twelve-thirty sharp.’

‘Yes, probably none of my business, but er... Why are we?’

‘I have the final items of my wardrobe to pick up, the formal wear.’

‘And you’re not talking about more uniforms, are you?’

‘No, formal wear. Well, it’s bound to happen. After all, you have various paraphernalia; even a complete morning suit, not to mention proper black bow ties, a couple of stiff collars, even a white mess jacket!’

‘You don’t have any particular event in mind?’

‘No.’

‘You, young lady, are getting ideas above your station!’

‘We’re all old friends and we trust each other.’ So said a beaming Bernard as Charlie was pouring out coffee. None of us seemed to have an answer to that, so his comment was left hanging in the air.

The silence was broken by Brinkley; ‘Our coffees always taste so much better when made by a proper barista.’

‘Why, thank you, Brinkley, though one shouldn’t underestimate the benefit of the china service, insisted upon by the late Mrs Hayward.’ She replied.

‘Oh, do sit down Ms Sparkwell, we’re all equals now. My point is, Tony, Lawrence and I are full voting board members of the Trust, Charlotte, you attend all meetings and get to vote on charity matters. You are also contracted by the Trust as are Lawrence and myself. The Trust owns this building, a large chunk of Crawford Park and much else besides.’

‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave.’ Offered Brinkley.

‘Please don’t interrupt Lawrence! All I’m saying is, can we for the purposes of this meeting all agree to hearing about the Mrs Tufnell and Captain Forsyth wills, Tony’s request for extraordinary funds, and, consequently, how one should approach this afternoon’s meeting of the trustees?’

‘Yes.’ I replied.

‘So, firstly, Tony, you have given me a copy of Mrs Tufnell’s bequests, now I don’t see how the matter pertains to anyone but yourself, unless and until you take possession of anything and subsequently care to gift it to the Trust. The situation with Captain Forsyth is potentially more complicated. You, Charlotte, will have executor’s rights until all disbursements are made. But anything turned into cash, will up the residue that is intended for our local homeless charity. However, possessions not specifically mentioned, could simply be gifted by you, to anyone. I suggested to the captain, that he specify how the yacht should be disposed of. He said he had hopes, given - in his words - it’s “historical uniqueness”, that it might go to the Maritime Historical Society. I have spoken to Thayer; he has links to the upmarket boat dwellers and the word has come back that the vessel might be expected to reach in excess of five million. Obviously, a real incentive for the homeless charity. My advice, get the captain’s intentions in writing, otherwise you will be left to decide, and you may feel a conflict of interest since you sit on the homeless committee. Questions?’

‘Yes, the reason I mentioned Mrs Tufnell, is that it will probably fall to me to take charge of her late husband’s papers, he had some sort of business relationship with my father, not as yet fully determined. I suppose there is the outside possibility of other occurrences, not unlike the Crimean gold.’

‘Good lord!’ Said Bernard.

‘Just a hunch you understand.’

‘You’re more than welcome to cross reference with anything in the Trust archive anytime.’ Added Brinkley.

‘I’ll talk to Captain Bob again,’ said Charlie, ‘but if he doesn’t act, then my priority would be to find the right home for the yacht, and if it involved a sale, then the cash goes to the shelter, end of story.’

‘Thank goodness Tony has no involvement, he’d instantly see a myriad of money-making opportunities in the situation! Which brings us neatly to your request for funds.’

Ignoring Bernard’s sarcasm, I pitched in; ‘Yes, we wish to avail ourselves of the opportunity to invest in our last new petrol car. The latest version of what we’ve got now. However, since it will be an appreciating asset, like the current one, we propose running the two cars, one each.’

‘Ah. Mmm.’ Said Bernard.

Then, after a pause, Brinkley smiled and said; ‘I did a while ago suggest to Charlotte that the existing car might be reassigned to her, in her role as Carer.’ Oh, Larry, I thought to myself, what a sweetie you are. ‘And of course, Tony could continue with the new car under existing arrangements.’

Bernard looked at Brinkley like a parent upon an innocent child. ‘You and Charlotte should form a pair at Bridge sometime, whilst Tony and I make for the poker room.’

Then, as I was thinking, no need to invoke special clauses or indeed make concessions at all, Brinkley replied; ‘It’s against your religion Bernard, as I’ve often had to remind you.’

‘Ah! Yes, now, how is the Church of England, gentlemen?’ I enquired.

‘Much as always, Lawrence still does the cathedral books from time to time.’

‘And what about you?’

‘Oh, very occasionally I may arbitrate over minor matters as Chancellor for the diocese.’

‘Oh my god!’ Said Charlie; ‘You’re the Grand Inquisitor! Defrocked any priests lately? Burnt any witches?’

‘The camera for each seat is voice activated Charlie, if you’re remote it’s just the usual boxes on the screen, but if you’re in the room, then from certain angles it gives the illusion of having a swivel head, that’s why it’s called an Owl.’

‘Ladies and gentlemen, if I may call this meeting to order, item one...’ To give Bernard his due, as chair he has a masterful command of the room, dovetailing perfectly with Brinkley as the humble secretary who only on very rare occasions needs to pass him a note, or indeed speak at all. Our other trustees were appearing remotely, one from Geneva where he was giving some sort of expert advice to one of the sprawling committees of the IPCC. The other, from his brutalist breeze block study in a university department whose reputation thankfully rose well above the architecture. Bernard chose his words with care; classic, vintage, historical, along with appreciating asset, low usage, minimum emissions etc.

‘So, that was your scheme, ha! The old boy network would give you the grand cathedral wedding you think you deserve.’

‘Only idle speculation really, just the way my mind works I’m afraid.’

‘Nice try sunbeam, nice try.’

58: Matters of trust

‘Oh, there you are.’

‘I’ve just finished a session with Tuffy. He wants me to tell you some stuff.’

‘Coward!’

‘This is difficult. He, really doesn’t know you at all does he?’

‘Well, that thought has occurred, down the years, more often than I care to think about.’

‘And, there’s something about you, sometimes I’m not sure you care about him at all.’

‘Look, you’re right there is something a bit-off about our relationship. Perhaps if I just say; it’s Tuffy’s parents who hold a place in my heart, okay. I mean you might expect  Aunts to step forward in a crisis and all that, right. But Tuffy’s parents I just instinctively liked, and they liked me.’

‘I get it.’

‘Tuffy, just came as part of the package.’

‘Tuffy chickened-out, because he thinks you will be desperately upset to know you are not going to get to be his best man, and lay on a grand show at a grand wedding.’

‘It’s not all off, is it?’

‘No, just for various practical reasons, it’s a quiet registry office thing, they’ve been in the queue and they now have a date. It’s weird, I just thought, Tuffy must know, unconsciously.’

‘Go on.’

‘He wants you to take care of his mother, at the ceremony, the reception and whilst they bugger-off for a few days.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘The other thing I have to tell you, I mean I’ve been warning him I’ve got to do this for ages, otherwise the whole situation will go tits-up, is, Lady Victoria still doesn’t know about Tuffy’s “special treatments”, sir.’

‘Holy Moses. But, all three of them have been holed-up together for over a year!’

‘Precisely, sir.’

‘Vic knows, I’m sure of it, she’s had the measure of him for over thirty years, probably his mother knows too.’

‘He still has to fess-up.’

‘Of course, he does. What about the witnesses?’

‘Us.’

‘Oh, right. And the reception?’

‘Just the five of us, at their place.’

‘What time of day is the registry office?’

‘2,00pm.’

‘Piece of cake!’

‘I imagine they will require a little more than that, sir.’

‘No, no. All you have to do is get our wicker picnic basket into the car, then into the house. I’ll do the rest. I can’t believe how easy this is going to be. When we were kids, Tuffy’s papa had this kid’s party routine with some magic tricks, simplest misdirection and sleight of hand, but very impressive, even with the adults. Mrs Tufnell will know precisely where they are. What?’

‘That new work done on the chaise longue, it requires thorough crash testing, now.’

A few days later Charlie received a thick wad of paper through the post from Merriweather and Stollard. ‘Is this it?’

‘I imagine so.’

‘They think I should make a prompt appointment to come in to sign, with witnesses, plural?’

‘Well, I imagine everyone else is waiting on you having a free moment, you being so important and all that, for the next few weeks. Everyone really needs to be on board before the Park’s contract with the government kicks in. Brinkley’s back, he needs to sign, along with others, Bernard probably wants to do you all as a job lot.’

‘Why the urgency?’

‘Ah, well. The smaller document is all about permissions to change the Trust, the big one, the thing itself. Now, there is a sense in which, since the old Trust, as it were, becomes null and void, so does, in effect, for all practical purposes, some of its past activities. From the moment it comes in to force, the new Trust is, “squeaky clean and state of art”, to use Bernard’s phraseology...’

‘Certain things get swept under the carpet and stay there.’

‘I say, that’s rather a good way of putting it.’

‘So, what’s become of my mission statement, it’ll take me weeks to read this, let alone understand it.’

‘Well, it couldn’t be reproduced directly, it’s all about the future, our priorities can only be embedded in the law as it is today. We can only start, continue or stop on the basis of the current situation. I’ve found your intentions in at least twenty places so far though.’

‘Give me a couple examples then.’

‘So, as you know, basically we’re talking about residential and commercial buildings in various towns and farmland in the countryside. So, take Melbury Buildings…

‘I wish someone would.’

‘Agreed. I’d happily see it blown-up tomorrow. An appalling Modernist monstrosity, but a cash cow, in terms of the rents. Now, the Trust now says it will seek listed status for all its property. And what’s more it will seek to restore and enhance all. So, as soon as the Trustees start meeting, anyone is entitled to say that steps should be taken immediately to dispose of the above mentioned. Now, financially that is a double blow to the Trust, the cost of restoration-type work on the property we want to keep is astronomical, so we now have online retail and investment, website and social media innovation, behavioural…’

‘Your American investments.’

‘As you say, the Trust need not be restricted. It won’t be dependent on me gifting wads of cash after the event.’

‘And in the country?’

‘Well, for a start all that knocks out modern building on green field sites. But of course, you still get more and more clauses to allow small outhouses on farms provided they are essential utilities built in a style sympathetic to the etc. GMOs are out, trials in the gene-edited allowed. High intensity for animals out, set aside and woodland in, as existing contracts are fulfilled, tenancies fall vacant etc. See what I mean?’

‘I’ll phone now.’

That evening, when Charlotte returned from prep at the Park; ‘You know, having to work to a timetable is doing my head in. I almost joined everyone in the bar.’

‘Well, your membership does entitle you to booze your way through on the house wine for free, should you require it.’

‘No, staying sober whilst others... Well, it’s one of the few advantages I have. Read this.’ It was a three-page student handout like thing, on protocol when interacting with the eleven principals, being culturally aware etc. ‘I’ll never remember it all, I can’t instantly absorb like you.’

‘You won’t have to. So, whose been trying to tutor you in all this?’

‘Some Cabinet Office type.’

‘Who no doubt photocopied most of this from some EU manual. Buffy doesn’t want this.’

‘Go on.’

‘In essence, what is the club?

‘An English boarding school in an old country house, dominated by your lot who were all at the same school!’

‘You are only the waitress, you only understand the Queen’s English, you only speak when spoken to, you automatically serve coffee at eleven, if they want something else, sorry sir, we only have hot water in the coffee machine, they’ve already discovered the heating is off because it’s summer, it’s a Friday, you take it for granted you’ll be serving fish, there are only ten of them, hopefully, including Buffy as host so he’s in charge of the open fire, all the bag carriers are banished to the conference area making do with a cold spread. Besides, you’ve automatically been making sure our spring water and clean glasses are on all the tables.’

‘That’s brilliant.’

‘You are all body language; what FBI forensics would call a natural. All the nine guests, providing the EU can be banished to the ballroom, are as common as muck and only got where they are by ducking and diving, now they have expectations, they think they are entitled. All they get from you is, on first greeting each day, Good morning Prime Minister or Mr President or whatever, then sir or madam. The only person they can turn to is Buffy, I say Trumpton this girl is refusing me, whatever, that’s no girl that’s Sparkwell, treat her right she can get you anything smuggled-in, suddenly you are the Maître d’hôtel, the Concierge. Buffy has them trapped there; they, have to get on, with you.’

‘Buffy wants to start a bun fight?’

‘He wants them, to start one. At some point they’ll discover the Games Room, only then you’ll have them all, including Buffy.’

‘And when all this is going down, you just happen to be catching up on old times with Barmy.’

‘You worked that one out then.’

6: Coffee, tea and scandal

‘Incoming! Bandits at four o’clock.’

‘Don’t tell me…’

‘The text just says “With you at four, full stop, Elisabeth.”

‘..it would do. I had a feeling we were rapidly approaching more, tea and scandal.’

‘We have our yoga session to do yet’.

‘Oh, I think thirty minutes will be plenty time enough.’

‘On your head be it.’ Then, looking up from her device. ‘Wow! “They are at the end of the gallery; retired to their tea and scandal, according to their ancient custom.” That the one?’

‘You’ve got my number Charlie.’

‘Wait. Act One, Scene One, William Congreve 1694 The Double Dealer, oh that’s appropriate.’

‘I’ll ignore that, we have practice to do.’

‘So “gallery”, what’s that?’

‘Er, posh houses of the time would have a long gallery down the whole of one side of the house.’

‘So this bloke says “they” - everyone knows he’s talking about gossipy women huddled in the corner?’

‘Precisely. Come on, get your kit off.'


By now, gentle reader, I suspect you can see what’s coming. Our literally diversion, led to our physical diversions overrunning. This time we both jumped at the sound of the flat doorbell ringing. I glanced at the screen. ‘It’s her, someone going out must have let her in. Quick, you put on your dressing gown, open the door and just say you were changing. When I come out fully dressed you go back in your room and change into whatever works.’

‘Oh, thanks a lot.’

‘Trust me, it won’t work the other way around.’

I confess I left the bedroom door ajar. ‘Good afternoon, Mrs Haywood. Do come in. My apologies for the delay, I was just changing after our yoga session.’

‘Yoga! The room certainly has the aroma of the gymnasium. The mats, oh yes I see, of course. Forgive me Ms Sparkwell, but why does my nephew require you to instruct him in yoga in his living room?’

‘It’s a delicate matter, madam. The specific exercises I have been recommending happen to be very effective for tightening up, shall we say, bringing back good order and discipline to the whole digestive system. I’m determined to have a go at reversing all aspects of what I believe is simply - premature ageing.’

‘Yes, of course he has led a totally self-indulgent lifestyle until now, even as a child he would get the most appalling collywobbles. No self-control. I wish you well. Now run along dear and change. Anthony!’

I emerged, completing my transformation on the move for fear she would enter the bedroom. ‘How are you auntie? You look full of the joys. Has Charlotte been taking care of you?’

‘I really think it a bit much making the poor girl answer the door in a state of undress, what will everyone think. You should be more considerate. Especially since I understand she’s been taking you in hand.’

‘That’s one way of putting it.’

‘I shall monitor your progress with interest. After all, you cannot deny that, how should one say - cursed with too much money, you fritter away in idle selfishness…’

At that moment we both noticed Sparkwell, now respectfully attired in her suit, pass through en route to the kitchen, head down and typing furiously. ‘Oh lord, oh my ears and whiskers.’

‘What is it she’s doing that alarms you so, Anthony?’

‘I think she’s just trying to improve her education, she’s heard you make a literary allusion - doesn’t want to appear ignorant when she returns with the tea.’

‘Nonsense, I know my own mind, you’re the one forever offering up obscure references, showing off your knowledge - which after all, we all know is just the result of an education very expensively bought!’

‘Well I expect direct quotes can be unconsciously made...’

‘What are you saying?’

‘Tea, Mrs Haywood?’

‘Thank you, nice to know you’re weening him off those most unsavoury cakes.’

‘May I ask, did you read to Anthony as a child?’

‘Very occasionally perhaps, I have no recollection. No, I don’t think we can seek there for the source of his Bohemian tendencies.’

‘I’ll plead guilty to the lesser charge of Bourgeois Boheme, if you insist.’

‘There you go again. Affectation bordering on snobbery. Despoiling our mother tongue. Mummy used to say it all came in with the Jazz Age, provocative dancing to provocative words.’

‘Dapper Dan was a very handy man on a train that ran through Dixie, Made the beds and ev'rything. All you had to do was ring...’ Charlie spoke with a faraway, wistful voice, not a bit like the song. ‘He has it in his music collection, Mrs Hayward’.

‘There you are, you won’t get away with in the future, coffeehouse-ing your life away.’

‘No alas, after all Aunt, coffee only came in, in the eighteenth century along with sugar. Tea had been around a whole lot longer.’

‘I’m reducing his caffeine intake to one measure per day.’

‘Very wise. Now then Anthony, what’s this I hear about Mr Tufnell proposing to marry a waitress, again!’

‘Fear not, I’ve delegated the matter to Charlotte, after all she knows the girl.’

‘Indeed, how intriguing...’


‘Okay, so I get that students and even teachers are idiots even when searching because they let themselves be led down the garden path, in fact the old “touch your forelock” thing is still there in education despite everything. I get that a lot of learning is unconscious imitation, but how does someone end up…'

‘Well, when you read a book or watch a movie, TV, that you really get to like, it’s all about being able to identify and empathise with a character or characters. But nonetheless you’re still giving equal attention to what you don’t care for, otherwise you’d never appreciate the situation your favourite character is in.’

‘Right.’

‘So time passes, you grow-up, change, once in a while you think, oh my God I sounded just like my father when I said that, more time passes and you end up actually behaving in a way totally at odds with the story you tell yourself, and the rest of the world, about who you are and what you are. So, you are right, we must stay in the moment, let go.’

‘Out there they think love conquers all!’

‘They also think that beauty is truth and that’s all they need to know… We can do better than that, now here’s a quote; “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery.’

‘Who was he?’

‘French pilot and part-time writer, flew small planes around the Mediterranean and North Africa in the Nineteen-thirties, disappeared off the French coast during the war, ferrying God knows what or whom, flying by the seat of his pants.’

‘Navigating with his balls more like.’

‘In an age when women wore silk knickers, and loose trousers that really did hang from the hips.’

‘Never have the hair removed from your actual genitalia. So, I know where to start on your so called library, let’s see, my word, fourteen volumes.’

‘They’re all in the correct order, I should start at the beginning, it will be pleasant light reading for the journey.’

‘Where are we going?’

‘Do you have a passport?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then we take the night train to Antibes.’

‘Tonight?’

‘Give me ten minutes and I’ll tell you.’

3: Tuffy and the female of the species

‘Morning, sir.’

I opened my eyes only to find Sparkwell staring down at me, hands on hips and entirely naked, a moment later I realised the duvet had been pulled back. ‘Is the building on fire?’

‘No! It’s time to move to phase two of the programme, from now on we will be showering together, I wash you first, then you wash me.’

I followed her to the bathroom. ‘I should take a pee…’

She nudged me toward the cubical. ‘Just let-go, whenever you feel like it.’ It didn’t surprise me to find the shampoo, conditioner, assorted soaps and the flannel, all gone. ‘This is a bar of the simplest vegetable soap, we use it only on the armpits, arse and genitals. Your hair will return to its natural condition within a couple of weeks. No kneeling by the way, only squatting.’

Afterwards, whilst we were towelling each other off, and I was taking instruction on her hair, Charlie brought me up to speed. ‘There was a text from last night, your school chum Mr Tufnell requested an urgent meeting. I replied that today’s consultations would be at Macy’s from 11,00 am.’

‘He probably imagines himself in love again.’

‘Do you have an App for that?’

‘No, but I damn well should have. I’ll think on it. You know I’m sure I’m losing weight.’

‘You are. But it has to be in the right places. The diet won’t work without the right exercise at the right time, with the right intensity and the right body movements. We need to remove the premature ageing. But first I’ll have to loosen you up. We begin basic yoga this afternoon.’

‘Is there a principal to all this Charlie, you know I’m better with concepts than practicalities.’

‘Follow my arse, twenty-four seven.’

‘I always have.’

‘Push me, it’s what puts the smile on my face.’

‘I felt that.’

‘I’ll lay out our clothes for the day, sir.’

‘Tuffy old man, who amongst your regiment of relatives and friends really makes you jump-to?’ I asked as we settled at the corner table.

‘Well, quite a few of them put the fear of God into me.’

‘Yes, I get that, but fear isn’t exactly the best motivator in the long term is it? I mean who’s authority do you really respect, who’s the person you instinctively like the most, the person who, at the end of the day, you would obey because you knew it was the right thing to do?’

‘Gosh, well um, it’s hard to say...’

‘Tuffy! Whose image flashed across your mind as I spoke a moment ago?’

That forced a pause. ‘No, that’s - perverse.’

‘I believe you. Well, go and find five minutes of audio of his or her voice, give it to me, along with your device, then I’ll fix it so you can use it only via voice activation and the virtual assistant.’

‘No way! Anyhow, we’re not here to discuss your latest hacking schemes. Don’t you think Fiona is just the most wonderful girl you’ve ever met?’

‘Hard to say on the basis of a few minutes standing in a queue, with you desperate for her to serve you that ludicrous drink, plus the double chocolate chip muffin thing, and the toasted what’s it - which has already disappeared I notice.’

‘It was an instant click.’

‘Just as it was with all your other five day flings, now too numerous for you to remember.’

‘Passing fancies alas. This is the real thing.’

‘They always are. Tuffy, you have the worst case of Waitress Affective Disorder the world has ever seen.’ Suddenly there was a muffled cough, clearly Sparkwell was now lurking, rather than just skulking in the background.

‘I say old man, that’s not quite what one expects from an old and trusted friend.’

‘I’m surprised your sundry carers haven’t dragged you off to the consulting rooms of the notorious Dame Alicia Dolby. Come to think of it, she’s one of your lot, isn’t she? Twice removed or something.’

‘Who, she?’ murmured Charlie.

‘Our great nation’s leading looney doctor, Chair of the Royal College of Mentalists, and when called upon, Turnkey-in-Chief to the sons of gentlewomen. Besides, you shouldn’t ask, young Sparky, you should search - that’s what your new “top of the range” device is for.’

‘According to Mother, the Dame’s latest thing is the PMCS, the Pre-Marital Compatibility Scale - can you believe it?’

‘Out to undermine the “relationship guidance” market eh! You know, those types get away with it because people only turn-up after the trouble has started, then the therapist strings it out by claiming they can fix all. Well, they’re ripe for the taking, even with only the merest whiff an evidence base.’

‘Apparently if you score less than seventy-five per cent the whole thing’s off, less that fifty and you’re whipped into treatment right away. Of course it all depends on what kind of Plan you’re on.’

‘Look old chap, I don’t mean to be brutal, but you do realise your pretty lass is being nice to all the customers, especially the chaps, that way they spend more, it’s her job! She even uses more or less the same words with every bloke likely to put his hand in his pocket.’

‘But she let me buy her lunch the other day, she was hanging on my every word.’

‘Tuffy, these chain store coffee shops send their staff on training days just to learn how to butter-up the punters, they even have names for this kind of stuff, like “The Script” or “The Conversation”. You know all about this Sparkwell, you’ve done a bit of waitressing in your time.’

‘I really couldn’t say, sir.’ That made me pause, she hadn’t sir-ed me outside the confines of the flat or car before.

As we strolled home along the Prom, Sparkwell turned and confronted me. ‘You were bit strict with me back there.’

‘But, you sort of, like that?’

‘Not in public.’

‘Tuffy counts as public? Yes, of course he does. I’m sorry.’

Then, with just the hint of a chin thrust, she declared; ‘Never apologise, never explain.’

‘Then I’ll take it as read you already knew this Fiona sort, knew her place of work and that she was the object of the affections of the aforementioned?’

‘Naturally. You were a bit hard on him too, glib. I mean he’s the real thing isn’t he, a toff and a bit of an idiot? Whilst you lay it on, to disguise what you’re really up to.’

‘It’s all there for those with eyes to see. And it takes one to know one.’

‘All’s fair in love and war.’

‘First we try, then we trust.’

During our first yoga session, Charlie took me through breathing while standing and moving, the core, the centre - where all movement should begin and end. She did it by placing me behind her and by talking to the wall rather than face to face. ‘All movement changes our perspective, therefore emotions and thoughts change too.’ That’s when it hit me. One of those “the entire world has got it back to front” moments. Afterwards she left her mat where it was, in front of the bookshelves, squatting there for what seemed an age. ‘You’ve been sitting for more than ten minutes’ she said, without looking around.

‘I know, lost in thought. You’re more than welcome to read anything from my library by the way.’

‘I like to focus on the pattern of the colours, the odd titles. There’s no order to them though.’

‘That’s because the order is in the contents. They’re arranged by subject matter, but in one long continuous historical timeline. A lot of it isn’t events though, rather the history of ideas. About ten years ago I realised I couldn’t  get any further with computer tech without learning other stuff...’

‘Dining in tonight are we?’

‘I am, are you?’