35: Going live

‘Do you remember my brother?’ Asked Hans.

‘I never met him. All I remember was in our final year you telling us he had got a place at MIT to do engineering. Ah, a red light has just started flashing in my brain.’

‘That’s right. And he stayed there. And over the years he didn’t switch to computer science like everybody else, he went into accountancy.’

‘Oh, god.’

‘Oh, yes. And now he is financial advisor to half of the Boston tech community! Imagine my surprise when he told me that you were the money behind one of these MIT start-up, spin-offs.’

‘Not all of it, I assure you!’

‘Something that is supposed to be all about driverless technology but isn’t, more monitoring driver behaviour. Then he says to me you know how these brain scientists and psychologists still once in way do animal experiments, in controlled environments? Well, not much longer he says, soon humans will volunteer to become their own lab rats, in their own mobile labs!’

‘So presumably, that’s when you allowed your brother to upgrade you from the nineteenth to the twenty-first century?’

‘That and the fact that the EU began thinking there must be something wrong about sheep being allowed to roam freely on a mountain in a national park. So, anyway you stay awhile, have a day on the mountain, help-out with the sheep? I could take you down to the railway the day after tomorrow?’

Wandering the hills was something we’d never done together before, much talk of adjusting to sounds, apparent silence that slowly becomes filled with a whole new palette, quite distinctive from the patchwork peninsula countryside we were most familiar with. We soon realised we were following the paths made by the sheep. I’ll brush over the athletic sex with attitude at altitude - which I know is the last thing you want spelt-out. It was obvious when to return, we just followed the sheep.

‘Stay back, there’s still a few to come.’ We’d been approaching the sheep pens and watching Hans filling the feed troughs. There must have been a hundred and fifty or so, and the noise! ‘Tony, you’ve done this before, when I point one out, grab it high on one of the back legs, then flip it and I’ll take a look.’ After I’d helped for a while, Charlie was invited to join in. Inevitably at one point she fell over backwards, Hans roared with a laugh that seemed to echo around the valley now that most of the sheep were quietly consuming. I went over to help her get her arse out of the mud, bending down I said; ‘Ever wondered what schadenfreude means? You’re looking at it!’

Going back down the mountain was the scariest part of the whole trip. We sat on the bench seat of Hans’ farm truck, with Charlie in the middle. Knowing the track so well Hans had just his left hand on the wheel and having to stay in a low gear, spent the whole-time gesturing with his right, keeping up a constant dialogue with himself about EU agriculture policy and the behaviour of his neighbours. To us strangers it felt like a bare-knuckle ride! It wasn’t that much better once we were on the main road, here was a man who clearly expected to have all roads to himself! In the end, as with so many greetings and farewells these days, the effusive praises seemed to be being directed at Charlie.

One night and almost two half days later, we took a taxi home from the railway station. It dropped us at the communal entrance by the side of the complex. ‘You never have explained, is the whole place actually owned by the trust?’

‘The freehold yes, plus the lease on our apartment.’

‘Which explains why you have part of the original with the best views and the biggest rooms.’

‘You’ve been getting to know the neighbours. Sort of, all before my time, father’s big project really.’

‘How come?’

‘Well the original Georgian terrace suffered bomb damage at both ends during the war. Now, it had been rundown before, in the nineteen thirties, so things were just patched up a bit, but basically left. Father, had the grand idea of saving the façade and redeveloping the rest out the back. He started by buying up a few of the leases, then just waited. Eventually the whole place came up for auction, some interest, not a lot, he reckoned he got a bargain because of the location and size of the site. Then he set about looking for a developer...’ I was interrupted in mid-flow.

‘Excuse me, sir!’

‘Jim! You look quite, flushed.’

‘I wanted to catch you before you realised what happened. And explain like.’

‘What has happened?’

‘Well we weren’t expecting it, there’s no storage anywhere else at the moment, so we had no choice but to enter your premises and just dump it, there’s an awful lot of it.’

‘Oh, I see. It doesn’t take up that much space does it?’

‘Well, it didn’t weight that much, but you get that with electronic stuff don’t you, more packaging than the actual thing. Let me help you with that bag, sir.’

Jim proceeded to lead the way. ‘What’s he talking about?’ Said Charlie.

‘Shtoom.’ I whispered.

‘What?!’ Exclaimed Charlie on entering.

‘Thank you Jim, there’ll be something in your Christmas stocking.’ I was just about able to close the apartment door.

‘That was a bit offhand, it’s barely summer!’

‘He understands. Still, a little more bulky than expected.’

‘But what is it all?’

‘Our media suite.’

‘What, like do-it-yourself tv studio?’

‘More or less, don’t worry it’ll be very discreet, you won’t notice it most of the time.’

‘Here? In case you hadn’t noticed it’s already an office, a library, lounge and the only space big enough for any kind of indoor exercise.’

‘Well all this packaging breaks down to a couple of the latest remote tv cameras, tripods, monitors, minimum cable, some extra lighting if it should be required. The stage is done, the classy, sophisticated set - complete!’

‘But why, who are you going to be broadcasting to?’

‘Well just the people I already Web chat to really, I just need to train myself up for now, and stay ahead of the opposition with the tech.’

‘So, what, ponce about, whilst expounding on your latest ideas?’

‘Well, walk and talk might be a bit ambitious at first. Just sit casually at the desk. Work out the ideal set-up, say, quite a lot in-shot of the old antique desk, with my latest devices discretely lying around. Learn to calm my face and gestures when it’s more or less a close-up, but all with tv quality and the accomplished background.’

‘This is going to take days to clear.’

‘We can work on it together. You may wish to use it yourself; I can just see you as an online instructor in more or less alternative anything. We know the camera likes you.’

‘I’d be lost for words, I’m not like you, in love with the sound of your own voice.’

‘I’ll ignore that. But think, you have the presence, the stillness, perfect for camera work, besides, you can work to a script, we just place one of the monitors just to one side of the camera, they can be fed autocue easily enough.’

‘Blimey, you have got it all worked out.’

‘Don’t I always.’

‘I’ll make some tea - if I can find the bleedin’ kitchen?!’

34: Charlie's road movie

‘With respect Jack, that’s not an answer. We need more if we’re to proceed, not the whole story of course, but how was the approach made?’

‘You’ve not talked to him?’

‘Not for ten years. He’s not online as far as I know. We communicate via snail mail from time to time, plus the occasional unsolicited gift of a rare goat’s cheese!’

‘He got in touch about six months ago, said could I get the latest version of what you’ve got? I assumed you were in on it.’

‘I’ve been there Jack! I would not take my car up that mountain. It would be knackered within the week.’

‘Well, when I say what you’ve got, it’s the new four by four version, plus various bits of personalisation.’

‘I see, I’ve read about it in the media, perhaps we should spend some time with the user’s manual?’

‘Piece of cake, but when you do go off the main roads check the clearance, can’t be sure we have the default on the suspension right for four by four where you’re going. Still, your mate must know what he’s about, suggesting you as delivery boy.’

‘Yes, still, a set-up is a set-up whichever way you slice it. I know the car is assembled in the UK but it’s full of European bits and mostly made for export, there must be some dealers in France?’

‘That’s the invoice there, despite all the zeros he is getting it cheap, and fully road tested right-up to his front door.’

‘So, you’ve collected the lion’s share already. How does he pay the remainder?’

‘He has a good mobile connection, just watch him make the transfer, and all’s done - and we hold over your expenses to be compensated for in some fashion, sometime soon.’

‘What if we breakdown?’ Charlie asked.

‘You almost certainly won’t, and if you did you’d know the problem and you’d do what you’d do with your own car. The breakdown cover in the docs is quite legit like everything else.’

‘This is the contact number?’

‘Sure.’

‘Right.’ I took out my mobile. ‘I’ll text.’

‘What are going to say?’ Charlie chipped in.

‘Ask the name of a good restaurant close to one of our older universities!’

‘So he respects you for not trusting him?’

‘Absolutely. And as for that Hans, clearly his situation has changed, and he now wants the best. I imagine once he gets a look at you, he’ll harbour further ambitions.’

‘We’ll have an hour to spare if you want to go hunting for cod & chips.’

‘That’s extraordinarily generous of you, but we’ll be offered copious amounts of food once on board, throughout the eight hours!’

After boarding and checking out the cabin, we took a turn around the deck, watching the land recede as we sailed. All very clichéd really. Then we went in search of food. Settled at the table, Charlie started pursuing the free tourist map thoughtfully supplied by the ferry company. ‘So where are we actually going?’

‘About half an hour beyond Carcassonne we turn left, then almost immediately it becomes a narrow mountain track, very green, dark and chilly, one in four in places, that we’ll take with caution, so after about twenty-five minutes the track runs out into Hans’ farmyard!’

‘And your route?’

‘Rennes, Le Mans, Tours, Poitiers, Limoges, Toulouse, Carcassonne.’

‘Le Mans! You’ve got this all schemed-out haven’t you?’

‘No, no I haven’t, Hans has. He’s playing me. He must have been following me for years online. Ha! Sending me grubby little notes scribbled on the back of old postcards smelling of sheep shit, wrapped in an airmail envelope, gifts of the smelliest cheese he can find - I’ll have him! Viruses of the mind, memes, trying to hack my brain.’

‘Chill-out, enjoy the trip.’

After a pause. ‘I can’t imagine getting by without you, you know.’

‘Shut, up! So, do we get to do the Le Mans circuit?’

‘What we do I think is the straight, gently let the speed rise to seventy-five or eighty for the first time, then text the bastard some sort of short, situation report. We need to join in the spirit of the thing, get in his good books, then he’ll confess all.’

‘So, this all goes back to university, was he there because of old family money like the rest of you?’

‘Well, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember. But I doubt any of us approached the subject, I mean German history over the last one hundred and fifty odd years and all that. Same with Barmy, much of what these guys do may be meant to be a break with the past.’

‘Doesn’t bare thinking about.’

‘And Hans looks the part too, blond, blue eyes, well over six foot - Hollywood casting.’

‘That’s enough food. You’ve still got work to do.’

‘You want to explore the full potential of that cabin do you?’

‘Oh no, we have another full turn of the deck to do.’

The following morning found me still at the wheel. Leaving the coast behind Charlie suddenly piped-up, ‘You haven’t had the computer on!’

‘No, that wouldn’t be fair, and might sow suspicion. And I suppose, no that’s not possible, he’d need a lot of help for that.’

‘What are you thinking?’

‘Well with a lot of help, he might be able to not just follow, but track!’

‘God, what a suspicious mind you have.’

‘I know, anyway if there is some financial dodge, better the car doesn’t remember the trip.’

‘When do you want me to take over?’

‘After Rennes I think, everything is as manual as it can be at the moment, no power steering, gears, suspension as hard and low as it can be, I think? But it doesn’t feel like it’s as stuck to the road as ours. Anyway you’ll feel it for yourself, if Le Mans is okay then we’ll start playing around.’

As we approached Rennes Charlie piped up. ‘There’s some sort of service area thingy indicated.’

‘Ah yes, now then. I’m going to ignore that, because although it won’t be the same as the old days, nonetheless, just for form’s sake, we should get off on the right foot and begin the adventure toasting ourselves with some ex-SNCF Gare vin de table!’

Alas, all the catering had moved from the older station buildings. We drank and nibbled in plastic and glass surroundings. Charlie commented; ‘You seemed to be enjoying your conversation with that booking clerk.’

‘Well, yes. He advised against booking anything, just be opportunistic about what comes along, especially since we are one hundred per cent dependant on Hans bringing us off the hill into Carcassonne. But we’ve no real idea what time of day that will be. Still, Carcassonne to Toulouse is one journey, on a semi-fast local. At Toulouse we can be sure to get on a TGV set, but nonetheless the line is still mostly just an upgrade of the old mainline, so it’ll take as long to go Toulouse-Paris as it took us to go Paris-Antibes.’

As Charlie began to relax behind the wheel, she confided; ‘One day when Brinkley spotted me on my own with the car, he started to ask me how much of the driving I did, how much responsibility I took.’

‘He did, did he?’

‘He grumbled about how expensive this kind of motoring is. I didn’t say anything about deals with Jack or anything.’

‘Ata girl.’

‘He reckoned that because officially I’m as poor as a church mouse, then if I owned our car, it would be cheaper for the trust.’

‘He’s wooing you. That’s an attempt at seduction. The trust owns the car officially, what he wants is for you to lease it back or some similar loan type arrangement, like an employee car loan as if it were required for your job, so you end up giving back to the trust in repayments even more of the money it pays you. At the same time it opens up another line in the accounts for expenses - playing one off against the other to minimise the overall tax burden depending on which way the wind is blowing.’

‘But surely, it would cost as much in his fees as it would save?!’

‘Sure, but he gets off on this kind of stuff, professional pride. One really has to keep a firm hand on such people.’

We spent an hour or so at the Le Mans motor museum, then did our little time trial. We took a selfie in front of the car, and along with the stats, texted it to Hans.

‘He likes it, wants more, what should I reply?’

‘Er, “See you before dusk tomorrow, will test all auto functions en route and report. Do you wish me to boot up and test computer, question mark?”

There was a pause for about five minutes, then; ‘Here we go, “Leave computer, you must teach me from beginning when you arrive. I expect regular reports next twenty-four hours.”

‘Yes, he’s trying not to show panic.’

Trouble was, there wasn’t much to report, except the ever-changing countryside. We’d had no time to find a nice Chateau hotel, so made do with a motel almost totally devoid of human interest. We tried every combination of auto and driver-assisted technology the car had to offer. I half expected Charlie to demand I place an immediate order with Jack for a trade-up - but she didn’t. We sent a few more technical sounding reports and photos. Just before the turn-off onto Hans’ road, I pulled over, adjusted the clearance.

‘It looks pretty odd, ruins the whole look, the slick styling suddenly turns chunky and boxy.’

I got out, and saw what she meant. ‘I agree. Still, better safe than sorry. Check your device.’

‘No new message.’

‘I was sure there’d be a request, with list, for the Super Marché! Okay then. One last text; “Leaving D5 now.”

I couldn’t help myself, after five minutes of growing confidence and no message saying anything was coming down the hill, I got in the groove. I put the lights on. With the heavy vegetation in the valley, the falling light and the relative silence, there was every chance he’d see us coming. In the end I almost over did it, not coming out of the trance until I saw him waiting in the yard. Perhaps he realised he’d need to show himself.

‘Blimey is that him?’

‘Absolutely. Now then, you go and introduce yourself, then bring him over to sit in the passenger seat.’

‘What about the dogs?’

‘Dogs? Oh, the collies, he’ll signal them as soon as he sees you coming. And don’t panic if he goes into a kissing hands routine and offers to show you his ancestral duelling sword!’

33: Sojourn suspended

Working in the old vegetable garden at Checkley, I never fail to marvel at the ingenuity of the Victorians, the practical knowledge of practical men. The practical woman of course was Cook, she stood between the lady of the house and the Head Gardener when it came to veg. The two of them were of equal status, but she decided what was required and rejected the over ripe or past their best. It was only when it came to flowers that the Head Gardener got face time with the lady of the house, but there he was up against real talent. It was thought appropriate that every well brought up young woman should have the artisanal skills of interior design. Flowers, perfectly grown to survive a long time indoors were required so they could be crafted into table decorations or worn as accessories. That was the order of the day, sometimes every day!

Such musing helped me focus and endure the tedium of field work. Pruning vines using traditional methods is at one and the same time skilled and extremely repetitive. Meanwhile Charlie was probably using more muscle in the woods. She could hack more than I, but required equal accuracy so as not to expend unnecessary energy. Efficiency was what kept you on your feet all day. Nonetheless I was thinking of lunch well before lunchtime, and perhaps that’s the way it should always be.

Coming back down to the house it was the smell of fresh bread and homemade soup that hit me as I scrapped the mud from my wellies. I promptly legged it to the kitchen.

‘Job done?’ Asked the wicked Uncle.

‘I’m not that quick, still the end is in sight. You should really walk that garden at least twice a week between now and harvest.’

‘Just as you say. So, when are we going to bottle the 2018?’

‘I was rather afraid you were going to ask that. The thing is…’ I was interrupted mid-flow by my mobile. ‘Intriguing, it’s Jack “Can you deliver new car for us? A.S.A.P No one else available. Client says he knows you. I’m to say it’s the German Shepherd”. Well bugger me, sorry, but I’m going to ring back right away.’

Jack picked-up almost at once. ‘..I’m here with my nearest and dearest ..and relatives ..and kindly do not refer to her as Sparky! ..I know they’re just a bunch of grease monkeys! If they want to be cheeky, she is Charlie to her friends, now then, the German Shepherd was at the top of the Massif Central when last heard of ..Good lord! ..Really! Well yes it does have a certain logic to it, we do both know the car, use to left-hand drive and French roads for sure, but really do you realise how far that is? ..at least that from here, it’ll take for ever with the ferry and we won’t be able to open her up until well beyond halfway! ..I do think so, if my motor was anything to go by ..right well I’ll consult, good afternoon to you too. Did you get all that?’

‘Practically none of it! For a start who is the German Shepherd?’ replied Julia.

‘We were at university together, belonged to the same dining club.’

‘Smash-up any good restaurants by any chance? Male-only I suppose.’ Interjected Uncle.

‘Absolutely not, we usually had female guests. That was when Daphne and I were an item, come to think of it, I think she was there the night I met Hans.’

‘Who’s Hans?’ Asked Charlie.

‘The German shepherd of course. He is German, and he is a shepherd. And that’s the thing, we were always speculating about dream jobs, lifestyles; because, you know we were all rather afraid we’d end up doing something dreary. I well remember Daphne said she’d just like to carry on doing what she was doing right now, and I suggested she could if she made herself into a female Master of Wine. She did in fact work for a traditional wine merchant for a while before she met Barmy, but I suspected she quite fancied Hans, anyway Hans said he would breed rare sheep and the last I heard, about ten years ago was...’

‘Yes, I think we get the picture. Now who is Jack?’

‘Tony’s friend, the dodgy secondhand car dealer.’

‘No, no, no. She’s winding me up. Jack runs a classic car dealership and a filling station, the car that needs delivering is brand new, under five hundred on the clock, same model as mine only left-hand drive. Jack’s doesn’t have a regular driver, just anyone who’s at hand, and anyway it turns out Hans is still up the same mountain.’

‘So what’s A.S.A.P about it? I hope you’re not proposing to leave us in the lurch?’

‘Well, Jack’s in a sort of a hole, contractual obligations, agreed price, second instalment on the set delivery date. We get a holiday, pick up the cost of travel. Then Jack will owe me one.’

‘You’re prepared to go to all that trouble for this chap?’

‘Well he is a pal.’

‘Tony is sort of informally in business with him, I can’t pretend to understand. Most of the time no actual cash seems to change hands.’

‘Well, we just do the occasional favour for each other, very useful bloke to know, keeps me in touch with the seamer side of life.’

‘How’s Daphne’s mother?’ Julia broke in.

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Sorry, I’m still several minutes behind, strange woman but I liked her when we met at their wedding, obviously we were all a bit distracted by the slight unpleasantness, but nonetheless.’

‘Er, okay I think, gets roped into looking after the kids a lot.’

‘They have children?’ Interrupted Charlie. ‘I thought this wedding was quite recent.’

‘It was, a couple of years ago. We’re still trying to work out why. Even then the two girls were ten and eight?’

‘Something like that. She was anxious I should know how happy she was because now it was all official, I don’t think she was quite sober, she ended up confiding far too much about the problems Daphne had conceiving.’

‘How does a sheep breeder afford a new version of your luxury motor?’

‘Well, he must be a success. Although I confess when I was there before things were pretty spartan and of course miles from anywhere.’

‘There is no money in keeping a rare breed. Besides, everything is done in labs on industrial estates in the larger rural towns these days.’

‘Well I guess we’ll find out. Are you up for this Charlie?’

‘Oh yeah, I like a bit of rallying.’

‘You won’t want to, believe me, once you’re behind the wheel it will feel very different to our mean machine.’

‘So you are going to run out on us!’

‘It needs some planning, I’ll think it through in the garden this afternoon, then get online this evening. As for the bottling, I think it may be far too early, you may have to keep on calming that juice down first!’

Before bed Charlie and I conferred. ‘I’ll finish in the vines tomorrow morning, after lunch we head home, grab extra warm clothing, walking kit etc. Just in case. Leave our car with Jack, pick up the new car and the documents, find out how I’m supposed to hand over the vehicle in exchange for the final payment, head off for the night sailing to Brittany.’

‘What could go wrong?’ She said, rolling her eyes.

‘All manner of things, but flexibility and a preparedness for the unexpected is the order of the day.’

‘And you need to find out how Hans got to know you would be the driver?’

‘You seem to be learning more from me, than I’m learning from you.’

‘Oh! Just you wait sunshine, just you wait!’

32: The hostess with the most zest

‘Our bags are packed, sir.’

‘Excellent, and I have all the gizmos we’ll need here in my office bag. So, let us highest hither.’

‘You said via the Park, what commissions today?’

‘Not a commission Charlie, this one is a shakedown, as our American cousins would say. I’ve summoned Prudence to a crash meeting, this is where she gets to understand her role in proceedings. And this is a two-hander, remember Frimley?’

‘I’m not exactly Prue’s favourite person.’

‘Precisely.’

‘Good morning madam. Anthony has asked me to send his apologies, but he’ll be a few minutes late, can I get you something to drink?’

‘Well, it has turned eleven, coffee Sparkwell.’

Behind the scenes I loitered, counting to one hundred. ‘Prudence! How were the Chateaus of the Loire?’

‘You didn’t call me here to discuss my honeymoon. This had better be good, I had to leave Rory alone with a constituent in order to be here.’

‘Yes, I imagine it must be quite tricky learning the finer points of the benefits system, the difference between disability this, employment allowance that...’

‘Get to the point.’ At which moment Charlie arrived, placing a tray with one large coffee pot, a cream jug and three cups and saucers on the table. Then she promptly sat down.

‘What’s going on?’

‘Oh, had you not appreciated it, at the wedding? Charlie is now a full member. No more skulking or loitering. And as you so rightly pointed out a while ago, there is nothing she doesn’t do for me, ergo there is nothing she doesn’t know about me.’

‘I see.’

‘What is going on, Prudence, is that at this very moment at least two of those Presidents of the EU who haunt the back corridors of Brussels, are hastily cajoling twenty-seven heads of government. Brexit is off! Our fragrant PM is going to get a temporary stay of execution. You persuaded Rory he was a full-on Brexiteer, he won by six hundred votes. And he will, in all likelihood have to face the electorate again within the year.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Merely that Rory should appreciate what a constituency MP in a representative democracy is. That Brexit, although it has to happen, is ultimately a distraction from his main purpose in life, to win elections.’

‘He’s already thinking of softening his stance to win the floating liberal vote.’

‘Wrong. A Remainer is a Remainer, is a Remainer. He must be seen to stand his ground. Until Brexit happens and is accepted as permanent, the best he can hope for is a majority of two to three thousand. He must declare as soon as possible for Buffy as leader of the once great party.’

‘I loathe that man.’

‘What did he ever do to you?’

‘He grabbed my arse once and asked for a sexual favour.’

‘And what did you do?’

‘Well, I slapped him across the face of course.’

‘A suitable punishment to fit the crime. You’re not a victim, you’re a winner - I’ve told you that many times.’

‘And he tried to upstage my wedding.’

‘That was our next Prime Minster, choosing to attend the wedding of a loyal supporter, who happens to be our MP! Good things will happen. Notice anything different about this place when you arrived?’

‘Yes, half the carpark has been taken over by some construction crew!’

‘Local labour as it happens, here to build the helipad.’

‘What!’

‘Well if you’re going to be regularly hosting the PM, other international statesman, we must be prepared. You’ll be asking me for conference facilities before you know it. And I’ll be under pressure to support the local economy. Not to mention charity work, how many air ambulances is it now? HRH perhaps…’

‘I see some merit in your reasoning.’

‘I’m giving the construction lads free run of the place whilst they’re here, just so the message gets out there that we’re going places.’

‘Alright, you’ve made your point. I suppose they’ll be some ghastly flag pole with an orange sock!’

‘Not a bit of it, there’s a perfectly good flagpole on the roof, and most of the time it’ll be flying Uncle’s coat of arms, that’s if I have anything to do with it.’

‘I said keep us out of politics.’

‘We’re still in the thirty mile an hour zone as it happens. Well I am trying in my own way. In the long term I certainly am. Just trying to take advantage of a rather obvious income stream. Anyway, we have our Easter repose to enjoy now.’

‘And I’m still in uniform.’

‘Well, you could have some fun with that, whilst I inspect the vines.’

‘Goodness! Miss Charlotte er, Sparkwell, you gave me quite a shock, just appearing from nowhere like that.’

‘Gregson.’

‘Your look reminds me of the old days.’

‘But you weren’t here in the old days.’

‘No, but you know what I mean.’

‘So, Mr Gregson, bring me up to speed. Is her ladyship well?’

‘Quite well, she said your stay would be of indeterminate length.’

‘Quite so.’

‘Will you be assisting us with the outside work, perhaps you feel part of the household now?’

‘I shall be returning the woods, I imagine Mr Anthony will confine himself to the walled garden, we shall not impede your commercial activities.’

‘Very well.’

Entering the walled garden I was hit by the sight of a mass of overgrown vines. On closer inspection there seemed to have been some post-harvest winter pruning, but certainly no spring pruning or tying. Clearly, Uncle’s enthusiasm for family history and determination to divert my attention towards the Park development had led him to neglect his responsibilities. I turned on my heels and went back to the house.

‘Hello Gregson.’

‘What news, sir? Are we in or are we out?’

‘Not yet out, is the only answer to that. Still, at least all the law is back inside parliament. Which means you can relax and enjoy things as they are for a few more years.’

‘Yes, but the uncertainty, how will it all end?’

‘In a good old British fudge I should think; more intensive methods to boost basic food stuffs, allowing more set aside to pacify the Greens. But don’t tell my Uncle I said that, he thinks I’m a townie who couldn’t possibly understand.’

‘But what about development, the coast is almost full, they’ll want to creep in land.’

‘Again, I’m not a betting man, but I suspect it will be, let the Greens win on the green belt, relax planning regulations on brown field sites.’

‘I see. Of course in these parts there are lots of old industrial areas that have been abandoned and become sort of green.’

‘That’s just the kind of knowledge we should be keeping to ourselves Gregson. I suppose my helper went off to change her clothes?’

Sometimes the house could feel quite deserted, I wandered until I could follow the sound of voices. I found them all in the big kitchen, waiting to start a late lunch.

‘I’ve been thinking a lot about Transylvania lately.’

My God he’s surpassed himself this time I thought, but with half a second of recovery time I managed. ‘Yes, I haven’t tackled old man Stoker in sometime, correct me if I’m wrong but he never actually made it to the real place did he?’

‘I am talking about the real place you fool!’

‘Er, don’t tell me, your obsession with the woods and the idea of charcoal burners and the lack of knowledge in the UK naturally led you to think of Poland, then you learned just how rapid the modernisation and move off the land has been in the last fifteen years or so, then you read somewhere the only place left to find the European peasant was the Transylvanian Alps and Carpathian mountains of Romania.’

‘How the devil? That’s taken me six months!’

‘Yes, but I don’t know the vital details do I, it’s just the way it had to be. I come out of the walled garden, somewhat annoyed that you’d not done the work on the vines, thinking I suppose he’ll start banging on about charcoal burners again. You mention Transylvania, I join the dots.’

‘Charlotte, how do you live with all this?’

‘I suppose because he can act as well as talk, he’s a smooth operator, he’s taken to roping me into his schemes, just this morning I suspect I’ve unwittingly helped him earn thousands more for the Park in little over an hour without quite understanding how.’

Then Julia intervened. ‘Well you mind how you go. And Reggie, really, why you feel the need to compete with your own nephew is beyond me.’

‘I’ll tell you why, because going up against you youngsters, stops my brain from atrophying and that’s a scientific fact.’

31: Sparkwell, countrywoman

‘I’m home!’

‘How did it go?’

‘First thing she asked was where I’d eat if I were on my own, we went there. I can’t imagine she enjoyed it much, said she was feeling her age, wanted to stay in touch with the young.’

‘She’s a brick.’ I replied.

‘Anyway, I think the real purpose was to prepare me for seeing my first article in print, heavily edited.’

‘Inevitable I guess, at the beginning. Arrangements?’

‘She wants you at Checkley for as long possible, so your Uncle will stay at home, rather than hanging around with you at the Park. She has a point.’

‘Absolutely. We can only move so fast at the Park, completing stuff can happen only as revenues go up. Otherwise there will be a crisis with loan repayments. The place has to be self-sustaining even if that falls short of restoring its former glory. The bigger and better the Park gets, the more it costs to run. I think Uncle imagines I may be willing to hand over a sizable chunk of the Trust, well, not unless there’s a proven return.’

‘And, she wants me to have the pleasure of breaking bad news, her words not mine.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘She’s made her Will.’ There was the tremor of an approaching smirk on Charlie’s face.

‘And that’s bad?’

‘You might think so.’

‘Well, you have to remember I was dumped on her as a child, not her choice, she always had to find ways to out manoeuvre me…’

‘Well she has now, maybe. So take it like a man and remember it’s not my idea.’

‘So?’

‘It’s a two line Will, everything in her name, which she says as of now is “diddlysquat” because the magazine is a liability, goes to you, except the twelve per cent of the Park company…’

‘Oh no!’

‘Comes to me.’

‘Thank the good lord she’s only fifty-nine and in rude health, as they used to say.’

‘And that’s another thing, she said it is actually your fiftieth this year. You, kind of implied…'

‘Plus Tuffy, Barmy, Cat and others too numerous to mention.’

‘Whilst we’re about it, how old is your uncle?’

‘Er, he will be seventy-two in the autumn.’

‘So, you’ve all got years really.’

‘So one would imagine. No it’s lawyers, they make you hyper conscious of these things.’

‘Julia’s not sure if your Uncle has actually signed a Will yet, apparently he sees his lawyers on a regular basis regarding the estate, but there may only have been lots of discussion. Now then, in other news, sir. Mr Tufnell will be calling within the hour. Do I need to be briefed?’

‘I confess that I could, and will later, should you require it, but it’s better if I don’t bias your impressions beforehand.’

‘Why does that fill me with unease?’

‘Well that’s my point really, you may be getting to know more about me than you want to know.’

‘Tuffy, old man.’

‘Don’t you “Tuffy, old man” me.’

‘You look quite, well, ashen faced, that’s if you remember open fires?’

‘Of course I do, some of us are lobbying for one at the Park. Which I suppose means you, something else you’ve got your fingers into.’

‘Tell me all about it. What irks you?’

‘Who, you mean! Only that friend of yours, that Chateau-bottled shit Trumpton.’

‘Hardly a friend Tuffy, in fact more of an enemy really.’

‘It always amazed us how you could stick him. A cheat, a bully, and violent!’

‘I stuck him, so as to get you lot out of trouble on more than one occasion.’

‘Alright, I concede that.’

‘Just tell me.’

‘No, I’ll confide only in Charlotte, she’s the reason I’m here.’

‘The treatment room is prepared, sir. I’ve worked out a new programme…’

When Tuffy emerged an hour or so later, he certainly looked transformed. ‘You’ll stay for tea?’

‘Very well, I’m calmer now, we must stick together whatever life throws at us, Charlotte’s given me the strength to carry on, but what am I to do Tony?’

‘You forget, you haven’t told me the nature of the problem yet.’

‘Oh yes, of course. It’s Carrie, she’s gone back to that blond bovine.’

‘And the reason given?’

‘She just went all gored-helpless and said she supposed it must be the “aphrodisiac effect of power”, can you believe it?’

‘Tea, gentlemen?’

‘Bless you again, Charlotte.’

I must have had a quizzical look on my face, for then she came out with; ‘The sugar is there for Mr Tufnell only, sir - he needs the energy.’ And with that she retreated to the kitchen.

‘I’m glad she’s keeping a tight rein on you old man; you’ve had far too freer hand with the ladies over the years in my opinion.’

‘Yes, well, that’s as maybe. The thing about Carrie; she’s a good time girl, she likes men full stop. And good luck to her I say, I mean where would any of us be without…’

‘You mean only a girl like that, would go with a chap like me!’

‘On the contrary my dear fellow. What I was about to suggest was that you have been underestimating yourself. Now I know it’s a few years ago but think of all the girls you used to know, the ones who made it all the way to a Tea with your mother.’

‘I haven’t thought of them in years, how odd you should remember.’

‘Well not really. Haven’t you heard? Lady Victoria has just come out of a rather messy divorce.’

‘I didn’t know that.’

‘Well you should have Tuffy, at such times old friends are expected to rally round.’

‘Well I have to take my hat off to you.’

‘You don’t wear hats.’

‘I’ve got my baseball cap for when the roof’s down and I’m driving into the sun.’

‘And your point is?’

‘That conversation chimed perfectly with what Tuffy told me on my table. Were you listening at the door?’

‘No, unlike you I don’t have to listen at doors.’

‘Ah ha! Members of the jury, we have heard the clear admission, from the defendant himself, that he knew of the preceding events, and we maintain he was indeed the architect of the goings on that led to the downfall of the victim in this case…’

‘I say, that’s rather good.’

‘My father’s a barrister.’

‘Good lord!’

‘So, I saw you chatting to Trumpton at the wedding, he’s actually one of your lot too?’

‘Precisely.’

‘Do we fear him?’

‘No. We are both so compromised that the downfall of one is the downfall of the other. But officially we are arch enemies.’

‘Is he as good as you?’

‘No, but then he doesn’t have to be, he has the common touch.’

‘To hear Tuffy, you’d think he was a thug.’

‘That’s because Tuffy is soft as shit.’

‘Now that’s it, isn’t it! That’s the nub of it. The bit I don’t get. Have you been standing by a friend all your life because he needs protecting, or is he in fact always the fall guy?’

‘Well, unbelievable as it may seem, when it’s a tight knit group, they’re kind of one and the same thing.’

‘Go on.’

‘Tuffy gets caught in the crossfire all the time, because he just can’t see when to get out of the way.’

‘So, Carrie?’

‘Buffy wants Carrie back, I fix it. I remind her she’s wanted, that there’s a job to do worthy of her skills. Then I set about putting Tuffy back together and sending him on his way to an even brighter future? Everyone’s a winner.’

‘Not sure how I feel about all this, being drawn in.’

‘Do you feel you’ve done anything unethical or that you’re ashamed of in the last year?’

‘Certainly not.’

‘Well there you are then.’