11: When two aunts meet

I’m not much of a one for the ladies myself, and what with life with Charlotte having settled down into a comfortable routine, my mind has been on matters other of late. But, having learnt over the years that just as everything is going along swimmingly, something is sure to come along and give it to you in the neck, the observational antennae are never quite switched to off - they always remain alert to potential pains. Such was the case when having just confirmed with Julia that we would host a teatime get together at the flat that very day, I suddenly felt a nervous shudder, as if the heating had gone off on a winter’s day. A second or two later it occurred to me that we must be perilously close to another visit from Aunt Elisabeth, it would be just my luck to have to referee a clash of the Titans.

‘Charlie! Oh, there you are. Julia will be here at four-ish, when do you imagine Mrs Hayward will next descend?’

‘At four o’clock precisely.’

‘What!’

‘Her usual text came through whilst you were speaking to her ladyship.’

‘Knock it off. Situations like this make me distinctly jumpy.’

‘I’d have thought you’d revel in it.’

‘No, certain plans may be well and truly buggered if the two of them start sparing.’

‘You could brief Julia.’

‘Normally yes, but I’m thinking of Uncle and me at the moment.’

‘Well cancel one of them.’

‘Either one would smell a rat, in their own way. No, we’ll just have to brazen it out.’

‘Now I know I’ve had to be severe with you in the past about your association with Mr Tufnell, but one would have thought that after all these years, loyalty at least would have led you to rally round. I’m told he’s had a complete nervous collapse. Naturally the family have had to call on Dame Alicia to intercede, but apparently he’s been taken to an Intensive Therapy unit, whatever that is, and is being held under the Mental Health Act, so until he shows some improvement even she cannot transfer him to her own facility.’

‘Thank God for that.’

‘What do you mean, Anthony?’

‘Well, maybe a locked ward is the best place for him, until the divine madness of Waitress Affective Disorder has peaked.’

‘You’re lapsing into gibberish…’

‘Tea, madam? Anthony believes Mrs Hayward that Mr Tufnell’s sexual attraction for waitresses has become habitual, almost compulsive, and when these relationships fail to be consummated, the outcome amounts to something like a full blow psychiatric disorder.’

‘Clearly Anthony your obsession with the Internet has led you to spend far too much time reading ill-informed medical opinion.’

Thankfully at that moment the intercom buzzed, Charlie dutifully attended. ‘It’s me, Julia. Charlotte love, can you let me in?’

‘Certainly, your ladyship.’ Silently I hoped Sparkwell’s formality might be enough to alert her.

‘That was Lady Julia, you didn’t inform me she would be calling.’

‘I was waiting for a lull in the conversation…’

‘Do come in, madam.’

‘Oh! He’s not making you stand on ceremony is he? Tony, show some class!’ Then turning back to Charlie; ‘Now I’ve just been looking around town and I’ve found something I just know you’re going to love, here, open it later when you’re alone.’ It was only then she decided to notice Aunt Elisabeth; ‘Mrs Hayward! What a delightful surprise, we haven’t met for ages, the last time must have been, well, the unfortunate incident at Barnabas Gruber’s wedding. Do you ever hear from him these days Tony?’

‘Well, as a matter of fact, only the other day...’

‘We were discussing the urgent matter of Mr Tufnell when you arrived Lady Julia.’

‘Oh I don’t imagine any of us will be seeing him for a while, especially if his mother allows Alicia Dolby to get her hands on him, shame really, I’ve always thought all he needed was regular sex rather than forever chasing after elusive love. No, I’m here to talk about your summer hols at Checkley, Tony. It’s going to be so much more fun with Charlotte along. Why has she retreated to the kitchen?’

‘Tact, one imagines. Anthony’s life has been a lot more disciplined under her influence. It may not be my place to say it, but over familiarity will only endanger the improvements she is already making.’

‘Well Elisabeth I must concede your generation does come from a more austere tradition. Still, neither of us have been blessed with children, after Tony, it’s the end of the line.’

‘Quite. For decades he’s avoided marriage, time that should have been spent rearing children.’

‘Perhaps it’s not too late.’

‘Enough!’ I interceded. ‘Now, on the matter of the summer, we’re both looking forward to it, but how long will Uncle want us hanging around?’

‘He’s been ruminating on the future a lot lately. He sent a message, would you accompany him to the Park development get together meeting thing next week?’

‘Of course. Now, since you’re both here, and since you say I’m the end of the line, if there are any, how should I say, matters pertaining, as to how you’d like things sorted out, in the inevitable event of your respective demises, you’re going to have to let me know one way or another. If you see what I mean?’

‘Well! What an extraordinary way you have of putting things. I can tell you, that I have, upon the urging of Merriweather at the solicitors, written a Will, all is in order, rest assured.’

‘Yes Tony, there is a lot to work through, and it’s all very complicated, your Uncle doesn’t know what to do for the best. So I’ve told him I’m going to force the issue and write a one line Will leaving what little I have to my name, to you, then it’s up to him.’

‘The title passes to a cousin I believe.’

‘I’ve really no idea how these things work, what concerns my husband Elisabeth is that the estate should go to someone with the financial wherewithal to manage it properly, he feels he’s never been able to quite do that.’

Somehow Charlotte knew it was the moment to return, she brought with her fresh-boiled, to top-up the pot.

‘So, Charlotte how do you fancy spending your time at Checkley? Do you ride?’

‘Well sort of, but not well. I’m more of a woodland person.’

‘Coppicing is never ending of course. Tony’s job is to keep his Uncle entertained, get him doing rather than moping.’

‘Goodness, is that the time, I should really be making a move Anthony.’

‘Before you go Aunt, there’s something I think you’ll want to see, a very short video clip, I found it on YouTube, you’ll recognise a couple of the faces. I’ll play it on the TV, just a sec.’

Three minutes later. ‘Well really! What is the world coming to, and from a solicitor, one would think such blatant backslapping was without any legal probity, “we have no hesitation in recommending their financial expertise”, and Brinkley, he looks so smug. I thought they were quite independent, I had no idea they were in bed together, no better than estate agents. I wonder if I should take my business away from the two of them?’

‘Oh I wouldn’t do that Aunt, I think you’ll find we are their business. By the way Julia, should Uncle be in need of advice, say with regard to trusts and the proper stewardship of land…’

‘You’re a wicked boy, Tony. Do you know Mrs Hayward I think you’re right, Tony does need Charlotte’s firm hand.’

10: Sparkwell's confession

Charlie and I took the omnibus to Jack’s garage. He had summoned us both, requesting I give a demonstration.

‘It’s not that I don’t trust you Tony, it’s just that me and my crew get a bit nervous when a customer asks us to fit kit we’ve never heard of and don’t understand, especially when it’s obviously a computer bigger than the last one!’

‘Well I’ve never trusted you, so why should you return the favour?’

‘They had to botch around the dash a bit to make it fit, absolute limit size wise.’

‘Bring your tablet along, if you let me use it I’ll bookmark the websites for the software I’ll be downloading later. All I can show you today is what comes with it.’

‘Fair enough.’

I sat in the driver’s seat. ‘Okay, so what we have here has the same hardware capabilities and processing power of the latest mobiles or tablets but with a lot more storage. The preloaded software is designed to collect any data it can from other vehicles, the sort of stuff driverless technology would need, nonetheless such data would still have to be uploaded somewhere else every other day or so to prevent the machine grinding to a total halt. My evil intent however is to divert that capacity for other purposes. But, just as a demo, there you go!’

‘That’s meaningless code to me old son!’

‘Hang on, how about, there - the architecture of radio turned into a floor plan!’ The screen was suddenly showing a pictogram of the fifteen or so cars in, and immediately outside, the garage.

‘Yeah, that’s what’s going to do for us if we don’t look sharp about it. We need faster turnaround, get them back in the owner’s driveway by the time the snoopers do a sweep…’

‘Hang on, there you go, that one has its computer on, and that’s the list of identifiable stuff. Now look there, I don’t know but isn’t that suggesting it has components from more than one vehicle?’

‘Fuck!  That’s the one my main man is working on right now! Anyway, that’s our problem. What I want to know is, what is it going to be recording the next time you and your sidekick turn up?’

‘So, my interest is,’ turning now to Jack’s tablet; ‘First this company’s driver and passenger facial recognition software, also here for facial emotion recognition, there for eye movement, and finally this site for voice recognition and voice emotion.’

‘Well I’m sure you’ll make a mint whatever you do.’ He stepped out of the passenger seat and held the door for Charlie; ‘I should stick with him love, I know he goes about like he’s landed gentry with all the time in the world - but he’s always ahead of the game!’ She had no answer for that, so he carried on; ‘I heard your pal Tufnell got picked up last night, I expect you’re off to Court next?’

‘No business of ours, if he’s pinched something for a bet, again, that’s his look out.’

‘Oh I think it might be more serious than that, some disturbance at a club I’m told. Went a bit bananas, so maybe the magistrate will palm him off on to mental health.’

‘Thanks for the intel Jack, see you soon.’

‘You’re not concerned about Tuffy?’

‘No. If he wants help he’ll find a way of getting in touch.’

‘How on earth did Jack know?’

‘He has his network, and he’s very precise and purposeful in what he says, he told me in order to get my response and pass it back up the line to wherever the information came from.’

‘This is all very mysterious, all very boy’s games. What was that about trust anyway?’

‘We both believe in human fallibility, therefore we don’t take things on trust, we’re practical men, we test things out, start over in each new situation because we know we don’t know what’s going on. Jack was admitting he doesn’t know and is prepared for his potentially dodgy practices to be exposed in order to find out.’

‘You gave him more than you needed to.’

‘I want him on side, I want him to succeed, there’s a lot to be gained from so called “driverless technology” but it sure as hell isn’t autonomous vehicles on the open road!’

‘Now you’ve lost me.’

Back at the apartment, Charlie remained in reflective mode; ‘Why all the high tech body language stuff, hardly natural behaviour in natural environments?’

‘Simple, it’s more accurate and reliable than humans.’

‘People love finding out about others nonverbals, but when it comes to their own, and trying to change them - they loath it!’

‘Yep!  And when they see it coming back at them from the screen they’ll go into even greater paroxysms of denial.’

‘So how is it ever going to be useful?’

‘The outsider looking on sees the truth of it in others; the teacher, employer, police, intelligence community, mental health eventually. They’ll insist. By which time the thinking machine will be unstoppable.’

‘What about privacy, and freedom of choice?’

‘Two popular myths, always were. That won’t change. And people’s unconscious learning and behavioural responses will carry on regardless too.’

‘So why bother?’

‘When the machine keeps telling you what is natural to homo sapiens and therefore healthy too, eventually a few will exploit that and force others to follow. Those who can’t, or won’t, will select themselves out.’

‘As in evolution?’

‘Sure.’

‘I’ve got to level with you. I’m not altogether what I seem.’

‘Okay. But if you’re about to confess to stuff that is already checkable online, I probably already know, I did quite a bit of searching before I let you through the door for the first time.’

‘None of this matters to me Charlie.’

‘I know, that’s why I love it here. I just had to say it out loud, for myself really.’

‘Just, please go back to squatting on your mat, let go, you’ll be focused again in seconds.’

‘Okay.’

‘I mean, anyone born and named Charlotte in the mid-eighties, and your school is on your CV, everyone with my background knows it’s the ultimate private school for so called problem kids. Besides, look at me, being told I had learning difficulties because I was ‘high functioning’! That always felt like being patronised by the less intelligent. I’ve sat in the waiting rooms of so called specialists alongside plenty of people like you who were meant to be there for the opposite reason. Thought to be thick as shit and vulnerable because you would naively navigate the world with your emotions rather than with your reasoning…’

‘But there’s a “but”.’

‘Is there?’

‘Now we’re getting on like a proper couple, in private; I’d like us to stick with the employer, employee thing, even, master and servant - when anyone else is around.’

‘It doesn’t bother you, the status thing, gender roles…’

‘No. As you’ve said, legally I could take you to the cleaners if ever we split-up. I like the game, I want to stick it to the others like you do. Besides, the structure of the old-fashioned daily routines, that stuff keeps me focused, keeps me on the level.’

‘By the way, I ought to say, Julia gets it.’

‘You told her about me?’

‘No, but she’s pretty good at picking up on stuff, she’ll always be on our side, just be aware she sees a lot.’

9: Sparkwell and the handshake interupt

The doorbell of the flat must have started ringing whilst we were in the shower. Then the sound of knocking could be heard as I fixed Charlie’s squirrel. ‘Shouldn’t we do something about that?’ she asked.

‘No. I’m pretty sure Madam Concierge, ably assisted by Jim, will be escorting whoever from the building at any moment.’

Playing back the security video gave us both a good laugh. The wide-angle lens acts so well in caricaturing an individual I always think. First the ungainly walk, then the leering face led by the nose, the pacing up and down; finally Tuffy’s exultations that I was his oldest friend, that he knew I was in there, that it was an urgent life and death situation - all as he was expertly guided out of shot.

We barely had time to compose ourselves before the intercom went. ‘Calm yourself Tuffy!’ I said as I released the button.

Charlie held the door open in expectation; ‘Calm myself! How can I be expected to calm myself? First this terrible news, then being frog marched from the building. Where were you, what were you doing?’

I noticed that as he said these words he seemed to be addressing them to Charlie. Her response was to guide him to one of the straight backed chairs that always seem to be about these days. She stood behind him, gently massaging his shoulders as he expounded on the inevitable; ‘It’s over, she’s left me…’

‘Now, legs a little further apart, elbows towards the knees, now cover your eyes in the natural resting position. Ideally you should be squatting but that will do for now. Notice the breath, watch it, don’t try to control it. Breathing gently through the nose. No, mouth closed always. Now is all there is, and can ever be. The best thing about the past is that it is gone. You are safe now. Be in the moment...’

I won’t bore you with the rest, but it did remind me a little of hypnotherapy sessions I’d attended in the past, although they tended to be very wordy and of course lacked the benefit of the Sparkwell touch. After a while she bought Tuffy back to the sun on the windows, the summer sounds etc.

‘Tony old lad, do you remember Matron?’

‘Yes, Tuffy.’

‘How we used to try to find an excuse to see her, so as to listen to TMS on her radio on Test Match days.’

‘Only too well.’

‘Recently I find myself thinking more and more of those days.’

‘It’s because we’re both fast approaching fifty. Bit late for chasing after waitresses.’

Suddenly, a muffled cough; ‘Drink this if you would Mr Tufnell, you will need to re-hydrate.’

Later, after Tuffy had decided he couldn’t hang around listening to my inane chatter any longer, Charlie confided; ‘I’m a bit worried about that Jim, seeing him on screen reminded me, does he spend all his days riding the lift? I mean I know he’ll play the doormen as well as his cleaning and handyman duties…’

‘I’m sure the Dragon has him under control.’

‘And just what is their relationship?’

‘Well I’m not sure of the details, but he seems to spend nights in her rooms quite a bit. No weirder than us I guess.’

‘There was a strange incident with the lift.’

‘Go on.’

‘I was waiting with the laundry, the doors opened and he was just stood there inside, with a sort of thousand yard stare or whatever it is called, immobile. Then the doors started to close and it wasn’t till my foot triggered the doors to open again that he seemed to come back from wherever he was.’

‘Rather the opposite of Tuffy then.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well he was in a highly agitated state of consciousness, you put him into another state or trance using focus over a number of minutes, whilst Jim was in a ‘some other place’ kind of trance, but in an instant a minor shock provided the pattern break that switched him back to the present moment.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘We all go in and out of different trances or states of consciousness all the time, maybe ten times a day, what is therapeutic is your ability to do inductions and transformations.’

‘Do I? Is that what it is?’

‘Hypnosis is not what it is cracked up to be, because it is actually dead normal, that is, rapidly inducing states of deep relaxation. If you are in a so called trance, usually confused as being something special rather than just another state of consciousness, you are simply more open to others, less preoccupied with self, more open to the present and new learning...’ I stopped, now I’d shocked her, spoken aloud what she was, what she did. She went back to her mat, squatted there awhile, the palms of her hands over her eyes.

When she came back; ‘You said we were really working on the same project, I get that now, but how come you can say it, understand it, I can’t.’

‘You don’t have to, you can do it. It’s because I am a nerd, who read history and did computer science on the side, then read up on other scientific stuff.’

‘On our own we’re just us now. We should be leaving for the club soon.’

‘I say you haven’t seen Tuffy around? He’s meant to be delivering the headsets and jackets today, not to mention the master control box thingy.’

‘I doubt he’ll emerge for at least a week, probably in bed pining for his lost love.’

‘That’s all off again is it? Still he’s usually pretty fast when it comes to recovery. There is only one kind of madness and that’s the divine madness.’

‘That’s very good Cat. I didn’t realise you could do profundity.’

‘I’ll show you what else I can do - chits! Take a look at these. This, being supporting evidence for that, note to the committee.’

I laid the two pieces of paper side by side on the bar. ‘Oh I like this, I like this a lot.’ The memo stated that the flight simulator was on loan from the ‘Science Museum, Munich’. Whilst what purported to be an invoice in euros for transportation had on its masthead, ‘Deutsches Museum von Meisterwerken der Naturwissenschaft und Technic’.

‘Clever dodge eh?’

‘Absolutely. Now let me think this through…’

‘The name you’re really looking for old boy is, Hochschule fur angewandte Wissenschaften Munchen.'

'On the tip of my tongue. This is aeronautics, therefore this must be the work of Barmy Gruber. Some summer school research project gone horribly wrong, which fell off the back of a lorry whilst en route to its final resting place at the museum - no don't tell me, I don't wanna know.'

8: Charlie takes a walk in the park

‘I’ll be away until early evening I suspect, these meetings tend to drag a bit.’

‘What meetings? Why? You haven’t explained anything.’

‘Well, I’m not sure I can explain, not without you getting the wrong end of the stick. Anything I say about the Park always leads to a sharp intake of disapproval.’

‘You could just try telling me the whole story, from the beginning!’

‘Actually it was my Uncle who laid the foundation stone, about ten years ago…’

This drew a slight shaking of the head and averting of the gaze from Charlie. ‘In other words, you’re in it up to your neck. I should have known.’

‘Well, not yet awhile. At the moment I’m just a fully paid up member who takes an interest. Anyway there’s no actual financial link between me and my Uncle, the money only comes from the paternal side.’

‘Until you muscle in on him, with your secret purchase.’

‘Well I’m hoping it will become a sort of alliance, if I can persuade him of the virtues. Anyway, I was rather hoping you might want to get involved at the Park, it needs to jump a generation, you could help make sure it doesn’t become some kind of retirement community, gets a proper mix of ages and backgrounds. You should at least take a look, if only to see what is actually there, help scotch a few rumours. I should get you on the spa committee, now that would shake them up.’

‘How?’

‘Well, they offer all sorts of alternative treatments, I’m sure you could spot the charlatans from the ones that really have got something going for them.’

‘Okay, I’ll come along, provided I can wander around freely whilst you’re conspiring with your pals.’

It was the week following our return from Antibes. Charlie took command of the car as usual. ‘So what actually happens there? The place is surrounded by woods, all anyone can see from the car park is a converted country house with newer stuff stuck on the end.’

‘But tastefully done you must admit. In addition there are twenty bungalows so far, the golf course and a very small lake.’

‘And the house contains?’

‘Offices, bar, restaurant, a small spa and gym with showers and bathrooms, plus half a dozen hotel style bedrooms.’

As we entered the clubhouse our progress was impeded by a few of the chaps attempting to manhandle a largish pod like object tottering atop some sort of hydraulic arrangement. ‘What have you got there, Cat?’

‘It’s the latest portable flight simulator, software for propeller driven aircraft only of course. We thought it would be ideal for the Games Room.’

‘You’d better put something on paper about it for the committee, something about a “free trial” and don’t mention a “games room”. Sparkwell, let me introduce you to Cat Mackintosh, Cat, this is Sparkwell.’

‘Been hearing a lot about you, keeping Tony out of trouble and all that. I’m sure we’ll all be calling for your assistance in time.’

‘Pleasure to meet you.’ she replied, then turning to me; ‘You didn’t brief me about a games room?’

‘That’s because there isn’t one, officially, just the old hall, accessed from the back - which is really the old front. I suppose it didn’t occur to you lot that it would’ve been simpler to take this object around the back in first place?’

‘Too many onlookers old man.’

‘You know some of the stiffer element are lobbying for a full size billiard table, which would mean no room for anything else?’

‘Quite, which is why we want to sneak this in quick. What with the pool table and the darts area already established, and the final acquisitions arriving next week, we’ll be all set.’

‘What final acquisitions? You know you really should warn us about this kind of stuff then we could head off the opposition at the pass, before there’s any kind of row.’

‘Ask Tuffy, he’s handling arrangements.’

After signing Charlie in, I set off for my meeting sharpish, leaving her to loiter with intent. Ostensibly I was there to Chair the dining committee, but given that several members sat on more than one committee, it was impossible to prevent some drift from the agenda. When someone started lobbying for the billiard table I was able to parry with anxiety about the floor; was it not tile rather than stone, and original, therefore needing to be considered with regard to the building’s listed status? That will buy the lads some time I thought to myself.

Several hours later I went in search of my co-dependant. I found her by the pond. I was expecting to be thoroughly trounced, instead she was quietly reflective. She said she’d only had time for the briefest look at the estate. ‘I was cornered by some of your pals, they were very attentive and gave me a Tea, they were quite - forthcoming.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘I think I’m fully up to speed now on your background and sundry activities. You’re going to have to make sure I see everything you see on social media though - they knew all about Antibes. Anyway, what I didn’t expect was how similar everyone is, it is a real club, isn’t it? There is more of a mix of ages and genders than I’d expected, but I mean, everyone sort of behaves in the same way regardless.’

‘We have our code. Not so long ago one would have called it class, but some members have the strangest backgrounds, and a few staff members are better educated and well to do than the rougher element, or Thatcherite Tendency as I like to call them.’

‘How does someone called Alistair Mackintosh come to be called Cat?’

‘Nocturnal habits at school.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘Able to navigate in the dark, pass through locked doors, return within minutes with something pinched from another House, that sort of thing.’

‘By the way, the thing about the Games Room is that the boys have to be able to leave a circle three metres in radius taped out on the floor, free from the other activities.’

‘Why on earth?’

‘Well, it’s something to do with running the right games on the latest VR headsets, sword fights and duelling with pistols I think.’

‘Good lord, and its Spitfires and Messerschmitt’s in the flight simulator no doubt. You know one day we’ll walk in and find ourselves being served by a robot bar-steward.’

‘What’s on this evening’s menu? I don’t feel like cooking.’

Later, driving home, Charlie announced; ‘I’ve come to a decision, it’s time for me to start training you up as a masseur, not sure how to do it though, lying on my back.’