11: When two aunts meet

I’m not much of a one for the ladies myself, and what with life with Charlotte having settled down into a comfortable routine, my mind has been on matters other of late. But, having learnt over the years that just as everything is going along swimmingly, something is sure to come along and give it to you in the neck, the observational antennae are never quite switched to off - they always remain alert to potential pains. Such was the case when having just confirmed with Julia that we would host a teatime get together at the flat that very day, I suddenly felt a nervous shudder, as if the heating had gone off on a winter’s day. A second or two later it occurred to me that we must be perilously close to another visit from Aunt Elisabeth, it would be just my luck to have to referee a clash of the Titans.

‘Charlie! Oh, there you are. Julia will be here at four-ish, when do you imagine Mrs Hayward will next descend?’

‘At four o’clock precisely.’

‘What!’

‘Her usual text came through whilst you were speaking to her ladyship.’

‘Knock it off. Situations like this make me distinctly jumpy.’

‘I’d have thought you’d revel in it.’

‘No, certain plans may be well and truly buggered if the two of them start sparing.’

‘You could brief Julia.’

‘Normally yes, but I’m thinking of Uncle and me at the moment.’

‘Well cancel one of them.’

‘Either one would smell a rat, in their own way. No, we’ll just have to brazen it out.’

‘Now I know I’ve had to be severe with you in the past about your association with Mr Tufnell, but one would have thought that after all these years, loyalty at least would have led you to rally round. I’m told he’s had a complete nervous collapse. Naturally the family have had to call on Dame Alicia to intercede, but apparently he’s been taken to an Intensive Therapy unit, whatever that is, and is being held under the Mental Health Act, so until he shows some improvement even she cannot transfer him to her own facility.’

‘Thank God for that.’

‘What do you mean, Anthony?’

‘Well, maybe a locked ward is the best place for him, until the divine madness of Waitress Affective Disorder has peaked.’

‘You’re lapsing into gibberish…’

‘Tea, madam? Anthony believes Mrs Hayward that Mr Tufnell’s sexual attraction for waitresses has become habitual, almost compulsive, and when these relationships fail to be consummated, the outcome amounts to something like a full blow psychiatric disorder.’

‘Clearly Anthony your obsession with the Internet has led you to spend far too much time reading ill-informed medical opinion.’

Thankfully at that moment the intercom buzzed, Charlie dutifully attended. ‘It’s me, Julia. Charlotte love, can you let me in?’

‘Certainly, your ladyship.’ Silently I hoped Sparkwell’s formality might be enough to alert her.

‘That was Lady Julia, you didn’t inform me she would be calling.’

‘I was waiting for a lull in the conversation…’

‘Do come in, madam.’

‘Oh! He’s not making you stand on ceremony is he? Tony, show some class!’ Then turning back to Charlie; ‘Now I’ve just been looking around town and I’ve found something I just know you’re going to love, here, open it later when you’re alone.’ It was only then she decided to notice Aunt Elisabeth; ‘Mrs Hayward! What a delightful surprise, we haven’t met for ages, the last time must have been, well, the unfortunate incident at Barnabas Gruber’s wedding. Do you ever hear from him these days Tony?’

‘Well, as a matter of fact, only the other day...’

‘We were discussing the urgent matter of Mr Tufnell when you arrived Lady Julia.’

‘Oh I don’t imagine any of us will be seeing him for a while, especially if his mother allows Alicia Dolby to get her hands on him, shame really, I’ve always thought all he needed was regular sex rather than forever chasing after elusive love. No, I’m here to talk about your summer hols at Checkley, Tony. It’s going to be so much more fun with Charlotte along. Why has she retreated to the kitchen?’

‘Tact, one imagines. Anthony’s life has been a lot more disciplined under her influence. It may not be my place to say it, but over familiarity will only endanger the improvements she is already making.’

‘Well Elisabeth I must concede your generation does come from a more austere tradition. Still, neither of us have been blessed with children, after Tony, it’s the end of the line.’

‘Quite. For decades he’s avoided marriage, time that should have been spent rearing children.’

‘Perhaps it’s not too late.’

‘Enough!’ I interceded. ‘Now, on the matter of the summer, we’re both looking forward to it, but how long will Uncle want us hanging around?’

‘He’s been ruminating on the future a lot lately. He sent a message, would you accompany him to the Park development get together meeting thing next week?’

‘Of course. Now, since you’re both here, and since you say I’m the end of the line, if there are any, how should I say, matters pertaining, as to how you’d like things sorted out, in the inevitable event of your respective demises, you’re going to have to let me know one way or another. If you see what I mean?’

‘Well! What an extraordinary way you have of putting things. I can tell you, that I have, upon the urging of Merriweather at the solicitors, written a Will, all is in order, rest assured.’

‘Yes Tony, there is a lot to work through, and it’s all very complicated, your Uncle doesn’t know what to do for the best. So I’ve told him I’m going to force the issue and write a one line Will leaving what little I have to my name, to you, then it’s up to him.’

‘The title passes to a cousin I believe.’

‘I’ve really no idea how these things work, what concerns my husband Elisabeth is that the estate should go to someone with the financial wherewithal to manage it properly, he feels he’s never been able to quite do that.’

Somehow Charlotte knew it was the moment to return, she brought with her fresh-boiled, to top-up the pot.

‘So, Charlotte how do you fancy spending your time at Checkley? Do you ride?’

‘Well sort of, but not well. I’m more of a woodland person.’

‘Coppicing is never ending of course. Tony’s job is to keep his Uncle entertained, get him doing rather than moping.’

‘Goodness, is that the time, I should really be making a move Anthony.’

‘Before you go Aunt, there’s something I think you’ll want to see, a very short video clip, I found it on YouTube, you’ll recognise a couple of the faces. I’ll play it on the TV, just a sec.’

Three minutes later. ‘Well really! What is the world coming to, and from a solicitor, one would think such blatant backslapping was without any legal probity, “we have no hesitation in recommending their financial expertise”, and Brinkley, he looks so smug. I thought they were quite independent, I had no idea they were in bed together, no better than estate agents. I wonder if I should take my business away from the two of them?’

‘Oh I wouldn’t do that Aunt, I think you’ll find we are their business. By the way Julia, should Uncle be in need of advice, say with regard to trusts and the proper stewardship of land…’

‘You’re a wicked boy, Tony. Do you know Mrs Hayward I think you’re right, Tony does need Charlotte’s firm hand.’