112: The candidate

‘Your mail, comrade.’ So said Charlie, shoving her silver salver closer than ever to my chin.

‘Ah! Another communication from the worker’s party I take it?’

‘According to the advertising on the back. One day they’ll tumble to you.’

‘Not if this is the goods news I’m hoping for.’ And after a second or two’s perusal; ‘Yes! I feel a song coming on: “Everything’s coming up roses, for me and my gal.” What?’

‘We’ve only just seen the back of Buffy!’

‘And a good job too, his advice to members of the club to quit trying to noble the opposition from within was all very well for the faint hearted, but we are made of sterner stuff.’

‘You’re not seriously suggesting Rory can save his seat?’

‘Oh no. And before you say it, this is actually us staying out of politics. We are moving on, making friends with the likely winner of the next parliamentary election, getting her and her supporters on board the first train on platform one!’

‘Her?’

‘Indeed, the new candidate is a former regional organiser in the NHS section of one of our nation’s largest trade unions. She, goes by the name, Brenda Radnor; and guess where she lives, I’ll give you a clue, a certain picturesque village one stop short of Morestead!’

‘But surely, she’d be much more likely to be leading the opposition to you!’

‘But she, let me tell you is old school, made her reputation negotiating deals for her aspiring members, she like I, thinks in terms of capital and labour. And you can’t have one without the other.’

‘Charlie! Oh, there you are. Fetch the two-seater, Prudence is demanding a crash meeting.’

‘Has she heard?’

‘Who can say.’

‘May I remind you, sir, for the umpteenth time, Prudence doesn’t like me.’

‘Yes, I appreciate that, but I need you there as a restraining influence. If she comes over all, dying duck in a thunderstorm again, I may have no alternative but to put the boot in!’

‘Tony, what am I to do? Where’s Charlotte?’

‘Behind the bar fixing drinks. Do about what?’

‘Nobody else does their own drinks.’

‘Force of habit, the staff don’t mind, they pick up tips on best practice. Your problem?’

‘The party are revolting.’

‘So, I always imagined.’

‘Rory only just scrapped re-selection, Brexiteers wanted him to step down, due to disloyalty to Buffy.’

‘How did he survive?’

‘Said he was the sitting MP who’d won two elections, they couldn’t force it, something in the rulebook.’

‘That’s happening in quite a few seats I understand, the voters may agree.’

‘Everyone thinks Rory’s a loser now.’

‘He almost certainly will be if he says Buffy was right, but a wrong’un. How you imagine I can help you; I don’t know. Twice my advice was correct, and you’ve ignored it.’

‘But you said he’d lose, that’s why Rory went on the attack.’

‘I said he should stay loyal to Buffy, be the game and gallant loser, fight another day. If the party go down to a crushing defeat, the proportion of Brexiteers amongst the remaining dregs may actually increase, Buffy could well be back.’

‘What!’

‘Coffee all.’ Said Charlie as she took her seat.

‘We’re finished, it’s the end. You must have a fix, Tony!’

‘My loyalty is to the Trust, and their top priority is having cordial relations with whoever our member of parliament is. I’ve been swallowing my pride in maintaining relations with Buffy as it is.’

‘Do you want the opposition to win? This new woman is as left-wing as that over-sized, over-priced ice cream tub we faced last time.’

‘Old Left, not awoken. Trade unionist.’

‘How do you know?’

‘As I said, cordial relations.’

We fell into a long silence. ‘I believe in Rory, sometimes I think I’m the only one.’

‘Well...’ Charlie grabbed my knee, so I left the quip unspoken.

‘You’ve always been supportive Tony, why do you desert me now?’

‘Just because I’ve always cared for you, it doesn’t mean I always have an answer.’

‘Oh, really! Flirting with me in front of your girlfriend, whatever next.’ At which point she stood up, and promptly departed.

And when she’d gone, I thought aloud; ‘Why does she always remind me of Aunt Elisabeth?’

I few days later I left both Charlie and the car at home, and legged it into town to the social club for the meet and greet with the new opposition candidate. On the way I told myself, be boring, no jokes, just middle-class worthiness. She turned out to be quite a speech maker, and sharp with it too when it came to questions. Rory was going to be massacred. When it came time to mingle, I took my chance; ‘Congratulations! I’m Tony Arlington.’

‘Arlington, as in the Arlington Trust?’

‘Well yes, but I'm just one of seven trustees these days.’

‘You’re here as a member of the party?’

‘Indeed. I joined about eight years ago.’

‘But you’re one of the largest landowners and property developers in the county!’

‘Well not personally, I confess to owning a four-bed detached house and a two-seater car. But no, when my aunt died in the pandemic, I found myself the last beneficiary of a family trust that was set-up back in the mists of time to support the widows, orphans and unmarried daughters of a large extended family. Things had to change. It’s now been reconstituted as a Green charitable trust.’

‘But you own Crawford Park, turned it into a country club!’

‘The trust owns a forty per cent share in the Park company. The club just rents some of the rooms in the house, for most days of the year. But they are separate from the developing conference facility, the podcast studio and the expanding health spa.’

‘I see.’

‘The farms are being as organic as the government will let them be at the moment, and the town properties have a rolling programme of restoration, though I hear in the Press that we are being criticised for monopolising the supply of stonemasons in the south west.’

‘You’re involved in this new railway project; I saw the exhibition when it was at our village community hall.’

‘Excellent. We are hoping to end-up with about fifteen per cent of the eventual company that will own and run the line. But obviously there will be two operators, the heritage services will be complemented by new speedier trains for commuters.’

‘You don’t have the station properties yet!’

‘No, but I understand they’ve been made an offer, at the top of the market, whenever that was, two thousand and nineteen I think.’

‘Really, I didn’t know that.’

‘Still, you must be keen to see jobs coming to the village, and throughout the constituency come to that, assuming you’re successful. I’m sure you will be. By the way, if I can be any help with campaigning, media and such like, here's my card. The thing is, perhaps I shouldn’t say, but after my parents died when I was still a child, my aunts drew on the old family trust to give me quite a posh education, Flotterton was admittedly a couple of forms below me, but I have known him off and on, all my adult life. Anyway, I mustn’t monopolise your company, I’m sure there must be others you should be talking to...’

111: Captain Bob's cabin

‘Captain’s orders, sir. I’m to deliver you to his cabin. Forthwith.’

‘Forthwith? But you only got back at midnight.’

‘I know, but he said it was urgent.’

‘He’s not having trouble finding the rent, is he?’

‘He said to tell you, should you be hesitant, that it’s not just matters regarding The Grange but issues of wider mutual interest. Or something like that.’

‘I know what he means.’

‘You do? I don’t.’

‘Ahoy there!’ I shouted up to a half open first floor window. And when a head appeared; ‘Permission to come aboard?’

‘Escort the prisoner, if you would be so kind Sparkwell.’ Replied the Captain.

We were standing in the garden, having made a discrete entrance avoiding our own security, in view only, of those lounging on the patio enjoying their smoking area. ‘Who the fuck is that?’ I overheard a quiet voice say. ‘Charlotte’s bloke, he’s the money!’ Such was the not so low-key reply.

What had once been the late Admiral’s study was now stuffed with the as yet unorganised contents of the good Captain’s yacht. He could be heard rustling behind a pile of junk almost as tall as he was. ‘Here we go, now then what do you make of that?’ He was holding up a large, old, framed black and white photograph of a wide-open bay turned into a harbour, with a few scattered ships.

‘Scapa Flow. During World War Two, presumably. You want your old name back. You want this, er, shore establishment of yours, to return to being known as Royal Oak?’

‘Leading by a head, as usual. Here, take this, a personal cheque for the rent, from your tenant, for the time being, for this private house, which just happens to have a few guests right now.’

‘With you so far.’

‘Once the right name is back on all the documents you arrange for a very discrete sign, just for the postman’s benefit, couple of inches high, on one of the pillars of the gate, simply saying Royal Oak.’

‘Consider it done.’

‘Now, you and I know that the staff, paid and unpaid, have between them numerous certificated qualifications bestowed upon them by the mental health industry down the years, but we want to be as informal, and to be at arm’s length from local authority health and social care regulation as humanly possible. We don’t want environmental services on our back and most of all, want to stay out of the clutches of the Poor Law Care Quality Commission!’

‘You need a good lawyer.’

‘And you’ve got a building full of them.’

I took out my mobile device. ‘Bernard? Well, it’s not that early. I want you to place the file on The Grange in the hands of your best man on public health and social care, and set up a meeting for the three of us sometime in the next week, low key, a background briefing from yours truly.’

‘Breakfast, gentleman?’ Said Charlie, appearing from nowhere bearing a tray.

‘Coffee and doughnuts! With pink icing!’

‘Addicts breakfast, sugar rush, sorry about that.’ Replied the Captain.

‘So, what news from down the coast?’

‘The quayside is clear, with just the yacht alongside, the modern floating wharfs are beginning to clear, prior to removal.’

‘What’s the word on the dredger?'

‘Chugging along the coast as we speak. The cinque port charities are up in arms about their cosy relationship being broken, but the mining corporation has the money and expertise to go over their heads. It wouldn’t be a problem of course if there were more dredgers around...’

‘But that’s part of the point of it, rough up the Environment Agency a bit, make them realise that the Victorian, industrial-style of inland waterway management for commercial benefit, is the solution to sea level rise and the increased inland flooding from the weather, changes in land use, etcetera.’

‘A deeper, faster flowing river is a cleaner river.’

‘Exactly. Puts sand back on the beaches if you dump it right.’

‘And tourists.’ Chipped in Charlie.

‘And what have you got to report, Tony?’

‘The King has been made aware of the railway project and made encouraging noises, what we need now is for him to hear good news from the naval college. How is that going?’

‘Ongoing negotiations, visits scheduled. But how the King might hear about it I’ve no idea!’

‘It is vital that word should come from the bottom-up, might I suggest the next time you’re alongside the Commodore, or whoever it is, you enquire how they intend to memorialise the involvement of our late Queen and the Duke with the college? I mean, naturally the King would travel to unveil, or cut a ribbon, possibly survey other activities in the environs.’

‘Your world of influence peddling is a total mystery to me; I’ve often asked Charlie to explain.’

‘Ah, now I haven’t given you the final pieces of your end of the jigsaw yet.'

‘When my father was a child, the Great Western used to hand out their own brand of jigsaws to kids on their named trains.’

‘I’ll remember that. We have yet to acquire the station on the other side of the river, but I’m keeping my efforts there on deep background for the moment. What I really should mention though, is the coastal barge.’

‘You want to acquire a Thames barge?’

‘No, I mean a new, smallish, flattish bottomed vessel with battery-powered electric engine and modern sails.’

‘Good lord, I’m not aware of such a thing. What on earth for?’

‘To carry the steam coal from the new covered mine, which is located a mile or so up-stream from the coast and then transport it down the west coast to our quay.’

‘But that’s turning logic on its head!’

‘Somewhat counter intuitive I’ll grant you.’

‘That’s like pre-railway.’ Said Charlie.

‘Precisely. Green and cheap, once it is up and running, but from our point of view carrying a very valuable cargo.’

‘The locals won’t like the handling; the unloading and then moving it to over by the turntable.’ Said the Captain.

‘It will be bagged. Degradable and combustible.’

‘Blimey!’

‘But, has anyone made such a vessel?’

‘Well, almost. The Norwegians now have two electric powered, battery-charged passenger ferries doing the coastal, island hopping, fiord crossing, routes above the Arctic Circle.’

‘Yes, I’ve heard of that, whilst our local university is still pissing around in a little converted river-fishing boat.’

‘And modern sails have been added to small ocean-going ships.’

‘Still, one would imagine the Navy has some involvement, somewhere.’

‘Can you find out?’

‘Maybe. There is also a genuine original “coals from Newcastle” sailing barge in the process of restoration, they’re in desperate need of sponsorship.’

‘I'll pass that on.’

‘You’ve done it again!’ Declared Charlie as I exited the car to open our mews garage doors for her.

‘Done what?

‘Groaned.’

‘What?’

‘Every time you get out of the car these days you make a kind of groaning noise.’

‘Can’t say I’ve noticed, what I have noticed is my joints, or muscles or whatnot are getting stiffer.’

‘Well, attend to it. Otherwise, you’ll draw attention to yourself, people will start thinking you sad and desperate, too old for the car you don’t drive!’

110: Wine, whisky and gin

For once I was doing the driving. Charlie had her head in documents she should have already learnt, marked and inwardly digested. We were bound for the old bank in our great cathedral city, and meetings, various.

We began on the ground floor. ‘Have a glass of wine?’ Said Thayer almost before we were over the threshold. He very intentionally showed us the bottle. The label showed a vineyard on a steep slope leading down to a valley bottom being traversed by a narrow-gauge steam train. The wording above the view read; “County Estates Special Reserve”, the wording below in smaller type, “Douro Valley Table Wine”.

‘I say! Most befitting.’

‘It’s a head office initiative, adds a touch of class I shouldn’t wonder, what do you think?’

‘Oh, simply oozes history.’ I reassured him.

‘Here, let me pour you one.’

‘Well, I drove here, I may be driving...’

‘Go ahead, I’ll drive back, I need to keep a clear head, not at all sure I understand what all these meetings are about.’ Asserted Charlie.

‘They’ve been tying themselves in knots upstairs. Correct me if I’m wrong, but they seem to think you’re irresponsible, throwing money left, right and centre. See it as their job to rein you in.’

‘And what do you think?’ I asked.

‘All I tell them, is all I know. You told me to judge each purchase on its individual merits, that’s what I do, they all stand up, as far as I can tell.’

‘This wine is really quite acceptable, shame Porto ever sort to fortify it really, though of course one understands why.’ I was met with blank stares. ‘Yes, well anyway. The whole point of today is timing. Or rather to “be prepared”, so we don’t get tripped up by the timing. When, the consortium jumps to become one unified company, depends on when, the government makes its minor legal adjustments. We must be clear about what remains trust property, and what is exchanged for shares in the new railway company. Right?’

‘Er, right.’

‘Yes, right.’

‘Well, onward and upward then!’

As we entered Brinkley’s office, the one with the second-best view, we were met by the sight of our dour and usually abstemious accountant sitting back in his chair with an unexpected grin on his face and clasping what appeared to be a glass of whisky. ‘Celebrating?’ I enquired.

‘Indeed, I am. The numbers are in, crunched, and pawed over. In summary, we will be exchanging your Tufnell land inheritance for fifteen per cent of the new company. If the company then wants other buildings or any cash injections they can be negotiated for after the consortium has been dissolved. Furthermore, we already have informal agreement from the, er, personal accountants for Gerald, Jack and Brian. Cheers! Oh, I’m forgetting my manners. Any of you care for an Irish?’

Lawrence then proceeded to produce glasses and one of those bottles that looks like a decanter. It had blazon on its side; “Brinkley Associates”, plus the same strange copperplate squiggle that adorns their correspondence. ‘Well, just a taste, if you insist.’ I replied.

‘But all these documents, I can’t work out where all the cash has come from for all the purchases over the last year!’ Asserted Charlie.

‘Close the door a moment Thayer, if you’d be so kind. There are appearances, Charlotte, then there is reality. Tony, who is of course a constant worry, to you in your role as carer, to Bernard and I who can’t stop thinking of ourselves as being in some form of loco parentis, has played another investment blinder. All that digital monitoring of people’s behaviour is producing cash we’d rather not have hanging around. Over one hundred and thirty new models of car, lorry - and tractor I’m told - globally, have driver monitoring systems from the company Tony so casually references as his American investments.’

‘Oh, right. But we only own ten per cent.’

‘Size isn’t everything. We should move upstairs, I sense the creaking of old beams, Bernard pacing the floor.’

Each time I enter the second floor it seems more open plan, more about spaces, fewer desks and what is office, melds into reception, into kitchen and easy chair areas, no hierarchy at all. Bernard, in his semi-retirement seemed to be truly delegating.

‘An, “Integrated Transport Partnership”. That’s what we're going to be investing in?’ Said a rhetorical and slightly frazzled Bernard looking at his papers as we all settled in the conference room.

‘An, ITP. Under the nineteen ninety-three act and the two thousand and fourteen EU directive, with the additional flourish of a statutory instrument or two.’ I helpfully added.

‘I can't believe Lawrence and I are giving all this our precious time. And the new company is to be called the “English Riviera Railway Company”, good lord!’

‘ERR’

‘Or, the ER, R!’ Quipped Thayer.

‘Oh, cheer up Bernard, don’t be such a killjoy.’ Said Brinkley, to the astonishment of all of us. ‘It’s an ideal retirement project for us. And if I may be so bold as to quote your new friend and colleague Henry Walpole, speaking recently on regional television; “A chance to finally mend the relationship between British Railways and the preservation movement, in this the sixtieth anniversary of the Beeching Report”.’

Bernard, for the first time to my certain knowledge, seemed lost for words. At least for long enough for me to notice the bottle, cans of tonic and glasses on a tray, placed beside the comatose owl. ‘Oh, help yourselves.’ He declared with a careless waft of his arm.

‘Blimey! Mother’s ruin. “Merriweather and Stollard”, “organically flavoured gin”, gosh!’ Now Charlie was joining in. ‘Where did this come from?’

‘Both Bernard and I took advantage of a new small firm which negotiates such arrangements...’

‘A bespoke gin, from a boutique company.’ Said Thayer to no one in particular.

‘Enough!’ Barked Bernard, drawing himself up, clearly determined to take back control. ‘There’s a flaw in your plan Tony. You’ll be stuck with a Light Railway Order at best, you won’t be able to go more than twenty-five miles per hour throughout your so-called network.’

‘Wrong.’

‘How?’

‘Only certain items of heritage rolling stock will need a restrictive speed limit. The railway, in its entirety will be re-laid by the same contractors used by Network Rail and to the same standards.’

‘Who the hell will pay for all that?’

‘The government, they will be able to claim, and rightly so, that new and old upgraded services are being introduced. It’s just two operators. Side by side at the old naval port, the latest passenger stock for the Sunday, up Bay Express to Paddington on the short platform, alongside the previous day’s down, steam-hauled heritage service on the long platform.’

‘And what about the dodgy viaduct, huh?’

‘It’ll get the proper maintenance. The new rolling stock will split as it always did in the old days. The modern five-car, aluminium bodied stock weighs less than the heritage train. And it gets to go faster, obviously. The avoiding lines through our station get reinstated. More trains than ever before.’

‘Very well, put in your political fix Tony. Just tell us when to jump and we’ll jump.’

‘You’re drunk! I’ve never seen you drunk before.’ She said, as the landscape passed in a blur.

‘How time flies.’ I replied. ‘Five years, now I’m tipsy on the strength of half a glass of wine, two sips of whisky and a well tonic-ed gin!’

‘Too old, can’t take your booze any longer. And your memory is going, it’s almost six years, actually.’

‘Really? Good lord. Regrets?’

‘Of course not! Well, the odd minor irritations, sir.’

‘Well, you can’t have everything.’

‘You seem to.’ Was there a note of sarcasm in her voice?

‘That is because I am content, as your pal Kenneth once said, to be a large fish in a small pool.’

‘Very good, sir.’

109: The last peasant

‘We had a visit from the King a few days ago. Sat where you are now.’

‘Good lord!’ It was the only response I could think of.

‘Yes. In the west country tidying up loose ends regarding the Duchy, saying his last goodbyes, dropped by for an hour or so.’ Uncle was displaying his usual nervous tick of standing warming himself with his back to a non-existent fire. ‘Talked a lot about organics and the eastern European connection, doesn’t think he’ll be able to get out there again. Curious to know how we were getting on. Complementary about the wine.’

‘Really.’

‘Asked about progress on restoring the Park. Said the Prince had given him a favourable report.’

‘Well, that’s good.’

‘Asked my opinion of you, somewhat took me aback.’

‘My word.’

‘Hadn’t quite grasped that the couple he’d heard the Prince speak of, were the same people he’d met at Mackintosh’s place. Naturally I reminded him Charlotte had been honoured by the late Queen.’

‘I see.’

‘Fact is, he wanted an insider’s view, been hearing about your railway plans. Some sit down chat after a Privy Council meeting or some such. Wasn’t too sure what he was driving at to be honest. Said he didn’t want anything in the past to mess up the new stewardship of the Duchy. Quite a steam enthusiast it turns out. Anyway, some talk of an order in council, idea of that chum of yours, the one with the specs. So, I did the decent thing.’

‘The decent thing?’

‘Gave you a clean bill of health, said your Trust was altogether Green and that you were quite paternalistic towards the Park.’

‘Er, thank you.’

‘And er, he quite appreciates the inheritance problem, sands of time and all that. Well, better join the ladies I suppose.’

‘I've been telling Tony about our visit from the King.’

‘You might have waited so dear Charlotte could hear it!’

‘Boy’s talk.’

‘Do we accept that kind of thing anymore?’ Julia addressed the four of us reinstalled in the big kitchen.

‘When it’s a “need to know” thing, I’ve learned I’m often better off, well out of it.’ Offered Charlie.

‘I take the point, but consider it a reprimand Reggie.’

‘Very well, my dear. You still perusing your print edition?’

‘Just showing, the spread about the railway plans. I’m sure our readers are loving the pictures, but may find the plans alarming.’

‘Still, an exclusive, exclusive. Good for sales.’ I asserted.

‘You’ve got Gregson confused Tony. He sees you as the heir apparent, worried you’ll be distracted from country affairs by the railway. Not that it’s any of his business, he’ll be retiring in a few years.’ She continued.

‘Got to watch yourself with Gregson, never sure he’s on board with organics, more concerned with commercial farming, which is ironic really, more your grab whatever subsidies are going type.’ Added Uncle.

‘Well, I’m sure I’ll catch-up whilst we’re here.’

About twenty minutes later something truly alarming occurred. Julia placed before us what can only be described as a large bowl of assorted fruits.

‘Fruit! Just fruit? No pudding?’ I exclaimed.

‘We must all be mindful of our health.’ She said by way of explanation.

‘Charlotte’s opening our minds to sensible eating.’ Mused Uncle. ‘I’d have thought you’d be used to it. It’s what you get at home isn’t it?’

‘But I’m on holiday. Checkley is holidays. Sponge puddings, crumbles, it’s my reason for being here!’

‘Oh, grow up. Stupid boy!’ Declared Julia.

It was a few days before I got around to Gregson, I found him sat at his desk in the estate office watching YouTube! ‘Haven’t you got work to go to?’

‘Oh, hello, sir. I’m rather afraid it is work. Take a look at this. This, would you believe is a driverless tractor towing the latest laser sprayer. It, spraying from about a foot away, only sprays what actually needs spraying. The reduction in spray is colossal, and given the tractor is on cruise control for maximum fuel efficiency... I’m gobsmacked, sir.’

‘Wouldn’t work for wheat or barley I should think, too densely packed and variable even for that machine.’

‘You may be right, sir.’

‘And what will they cost to rent?’

‘Who knows! Hopefully I won’t be around to see it.’

‘You’re not unwell, are you?’

‘Oh no, sir. It’s just the wife and I have been trying to make our retirement plans.’

‘The tractor in this demo is not electric then?’

‘No, but it’s only a matter of time I suppose. I’m old enough to remember the start of it all. The wife and I used to enjoy Tomorrow’s World. Fifty years ago, that would be. They showed solar panels, wind turbines, oh and wave power, a barrage across the Severn to catch the tide. Of course, none of them has actually paid for themselves yet. And we’re all still waiting for our personal helicopters.’

‘Quite.’

‘Back then people just said the country, before townies invented the countryside.’

‘So, what are your retirement plans?’

‘Well, we were hoping to stay at the cottage, but I’ve not had the opportunity to discuss it with his lordship yet.’

‘I should try and get it all in writing as soon as possible, just in case either Julia or I suffer a blow to the head!’

‘It’s difficult sir, obviously my pension will be lower than my salary, and we pay a peppercorn rent as it is.’

‘What’s the state of the property?’

‘Well, that’s another thing, in need of urgent attention I’d say, I rather suspect your uncle is assuming we’d want to move on and would get all the work done when it was empty.’

‘There is other vacant property on the estate that could provide temporary accommodation, not to mention within here, for yourselves or the new manager when the time comes.’

‘We wouldn’t mind that for a few weeks. But if we were forced off the estate we’d be at the mercy of the local authorities.’

‘Anyway, I’m pretty sure you need to get everything tied down and watertight whilst you still have, not only your employee status but your official position as farm manager, I’ll say no more.’ He looked a little confused; ‘Think it through!’ I added, with a grin, as I moved away.

Sometime later, as we were coming to the end of our summer sojourn, I found myself taking an evening stroll with Uncle. ‘You’ll be back to help with the vines?’

‘Of course. The best will be ready earlier this year, keep a watchful eye. In fact, you might think of picking twice, two pressings.’

‘But surely with the warmth we’ll do well anyway?’

‘Yes, but the walled garden is so well protected, and drained, you could push it a bit, really go for it. Ride out any storms.’

‘We’ll see.’

We came back by the river and as we were passing the Gregson’s home I said; ‘When are you planning on doing the restoration work on the cottage?’

‘When they’re out and it’s empty.’

‘It might pay you to get started right away.’

‘How so?’

‘The Gregsons want to stay on at the cottage after retirement. And what’s more, be able to afford to live in reasonable comfort.’

‘Damn! I had plans. It’s so close on the river, I thought of a wooden patio out the back, leading down to a pontoon thingy for fishing.’

‘But no one is interested in fishing, the river isn’t clean enough, according to Charlie.’

‘I know, but I thought if I could acquire the land upstream, the old abandoned brickworks, one could clean-up the river. The place may look green now, but it is a brown field site.’

‘Well, that might stop the river getting worse, but you’d have to start dredging from wherever downstream, possibly all the way from the old naval port. It used to be navigable for quite substantial river barges as far as the works.’

‘Ah, well. Such is life. And now you tell me Gregson is going to be a pain about things.’

‘Not to you personally, not necessarily. You know, you can’t sack him because he is competent, you can’t make him redundant because his work is essential. He can hang around for almost another three years. Now, if the cottage is properly part of the farm business, necessary worker accommodation, then he, as head of it all, is legally responsible. If repairs have become say, urgent on health and safety grounds, well, I mean, easy enough to lose a hundred grand in the accounts, spread over a couple of years that is, as you say he’s the man for subsidies, grants, tax breaks...’

‘All the same, he’d be sticking his nose in our affairs till his dying day.’

‘Maybe. Who owns the brickworks now?’

‘Some shell company or whatever, subsidiary of a subsidiary, goes by the name of A & C Restorations.’

‘Oh, well, good luck with that then!’

108: The strange affair at the Dissipated Kipper

‘I suppose you know all about this?’ So said Charlie, head in tablet, as I entered the kitchen for my restorative morning coffee.

‘Well...’

‘And Don’s been less than frank.’

‘In fairness he didn’t know he was on the verge of a major exclusive until after the pictures were taken. For what it’s worth, I think your pics are better, should be a nice little earner.’

‘That’s not the point! I almost feel sorry for Buffy now, it’s not quite cricket.’

‘But then I’m no gentleman player. Still, there’s a free lunch in it for us, if it works.’

‘If what works?’

‘Carrie wants Buffy gone.’

‘Clearly!’

‘This way, Buffy, I predict, leaves her, stomps out in high dudgeon. Carrie reckons if she threw him out, he wouldn’t go quietly.’

‘Male ego.’

‘That’s the plan. And some extra cash for her to oil the wheels when she takes hands-on control of the pub once more. An outcome devoutly to be wished by the regular punters, so I’m told.’

‘Ada! Good morning, good morning.’

‘Here to fleece an old widow?’

‘Only of a cup of tea, if there’s one going.’

‘Come in quick, lest you be seen loitering.’

I was shown politely into the living room. I few minutes later tea appeared. ‘Congratulations on your golf by the way, officially top senior, not to be sniffed at.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Now then, what’s all this about you being strapped for cash?’

‘It may seem selfish in a cost-of-living crisis, but I’ve rather got use to my creature comforts. I’ve been doing the accounts. Things don’t quite add up.’

‘Right, so it’s not a one-off debt, you’re just short of a few thousand a year?’

‘What I’m short of is peace of mind. I’d actually have to sell-off quite a lot to generate the interest I’d need.’

‘Right. Well, to begin at the beginning. If push comes to shove, you should let yourself go into arrears on the management fees and or your club membership, because, at the end of the day, one or both could be claimed for from your estate. No one is going to throw you out whilst you have assets. Don’t get behind on basics like food, transport, utilities etc. And hold on to your shares until you want to sell them. I’d much prefer you took on a few commissions on the side.’

‘You want me to work for you?!’

‘Please, nothing so crude, but in my world, I can put a monetary value on almost anything...’

‘You do want me to hustle for you.’

‘Ada! Nothing that would leave you feeling in the least bit compromised.’

‘Your uncle is right to have doubts about you.’

‘You have the quiet, unobtrusive observational skills of a certain Miss Jane Marple - I can use that.’

‘I’m not some sort of honorary male!’

‘No, no, quite.’

‘I mean, I don’t mind being one of the chaps in public, but you know...’

‘Of course, must grate at times.’

‘I mean wearing these clothes, driving you around all the time, I get propositioned by enough women as it is.’

‘So, one would imagine.’

‘I just need a lot of old-fashioned straight attention.’

‘I’ll see what can be arranged.’

We were on our way to the Dissipated Kipper to claim our free lunch and hear how much truth there was in the Don’s version of Carrie’s version of life with Buffy and discover the fallout. Beyond the fact that Buffy had gone, we were in the dark.

‘Watch and learn Charlie, watch and learn.’

‘We have been here before; in case you’d forgotten.’

‘I know but I want you to appreciate that the country was once littered with blue-eyed, buxom blondes, leaning forward on beer sodden bars, showing all they’d got, and winking at the punters. The traditional barmaid is a very different kind of persuasion than your, barista-style waitressing. But no less effective for all that. Aye, aye, she’s coming over.’

‘One cod and chips and one plant-based platter, well on their way, may I join you?’

‘Naturally, it’s your bar!’

‘I know, it’s a good feeling, how’s the six-X?’

‘Excellent.’

‘Takings are up already. When Don realised what I wanted the money for, he said best forget the Downing Street stuff, and focus on the sexual shenanigans around here and at the cottage. The man’s a genius, we’re packed again and the regulars are only too glad to see the back of Buffy. Can’t imagine why I’m so popular again!’

‘Yes. The Beacon, family newspaper that it is, has to make the most of innuendo and the double entendre.’

‘Not sure I’d be so happy being so frank though.’ Mused Charlie.

‘Well, I’ve been around the block so much darling, seen it all I suppose, still all that play-acting stuff he used to insist on. I think he needed it all though, you know, to get aroused in the first place. I used to tell him; “relax, put yourself in the hands of an expert”, but it didn’t really work like that for him. Do you think it’s having puberty at a public school that brings on the kinky side, Tony?’

‘Well...’

‘Can't say I've noticed.’ Commented my companion.

‘Well no, not you Tony, always straight down, to business...’

‘What's happened to Fluffy?’ Interceded Charlie.

‘Told him to take the grubby thing with him. That was another bone of contention.’

‘How so?’

‘I wanted him outside, doing something useful, ratting, round the back of here.’

‘Where are they now?’

‘No idea.’

It wasn’t long before Buffy’s location became only too apparent. ‘How long can he afford a bedroom for?’ Asked Charlie as we motored to the Park.

‘Who knows. Still, the rulebook says you can only stay up to one calendar month.’

‘Rory’s Whitehall watchdog committee report is due out today; will he have seen it?’

‘Oh yes.’

We went our separate ways at the carpark.

Buffy snatched open the bedroom door so quickly, my hand was left raised in mid-air. ‘Oh! It’s you Anthony, I rather expected one of the staff, Fluffy has gone walkabout.’

‘Where did you see him last?’

‘Lost track of him coming in after our run.’ Which explained the rugby shirt, pre-war footer bags and essence of dog. ‘You’d better come in, I’m half way through the Flotterton Report, almost ten months and nearly a hundred pages, surprised he had the attention span. He’s a treacherous bastard. Prudence putting ideas in his head, she never liked me. You can have the turncoat back now. I’ll be full-time in the constituency, saving my seat! Have the Press turned-up yet, someone is bound to leak?’

‘Not as yet. You could hole-up here for up to a month without falling foul of the club, though I can’t promise the same for Fluffy.’

‘I’ll be gone within days. No, the Press are a minor irritant, one still has friends in Cabinet. Was that contact in Transport any use to you?’

‘Too early to say, we’re playing a long game.’

‘Can’t see why you’d be interested in steam trains, no money in it. Quite the reverse, unless that’s the point?’

‘We, had lunch with Carrie.’

‘You can have her back as well. Swop her for Charlie, eh?’

‘Ah, most amusing.’

‘What are you doing here anyway?’

‘Some of the chaps are concerned for your welfare.’

He paused, looked me up and down. ‘Really? We’re both just a couple of middle-class grafters, you and I. I’ll grant you give the finer performance, the tailored suit, fresh buttonhole. But some of that lot down below, are still obsessed with the outworn fetishes of a purblind social system.’

‘Rank is but the guinea stamp.’

‘How did you know I was going to say that?’

‘It’s a quote!’

‘But I just made it up.’

‘It’s Wodehouse!’

‘It is?’

‘The only author I’ve ever seen you reading. I’ll leave you alone now, so long Buffy.’