108: The strange affair at the Dissipated Kipper

‘I suppose you know all about this?’ So said Charlie, head in tablet, as I entered the kitchen for my restorative morning coffee.

‘Well...’

‘And Don’s been less than frank.’

‘In fairness he didn’t know he was on the verge of a major exclusive until after the pictures were taken. For what it’s worth, I think your pics are better, should be a nice little earner.’

‘That’s not the point! I almost feel sorry for Buffy now, it’s not quite cricket.’

‘But then I’m no gentleman player. Still, there’s a free lunch in it for us, if it works.’

‘If what works?’

‘Carrie wants Buffy gone.’

‘Clearly!’

‘This way, Buffy, I predict, leaves her, stomps out in high dudgeon. Carrie reckons if she threw him out, he wouldn’t go quietly.’

‘Male ego.’

‘That’s the plan. And some extra cash for her to oil the wheels when she takes hands-on control of the pub once more. An outcome devoutly to be wished by the regular punters, so I’m told.’

‘Ada! Good morning, good morning.’

‘Here to fleece an old widow?’

‘Only of a cup of tea, if there’s one going.’

‘Come in quick, lest you be seen loitering.’

I was shown politely into the living room. I few minutes later tea appeared. ‘Congratulations on your golf by the way, officially top senior, not to be sniffed at.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Now then, what’s all this about you being strapped for cash?’

‘It may seem selfish in a cost-of-living crisis, but I’ve rather got use to my creature comforts. I’ve been doing the accounts. Things don’t quite add up.’

‘Right, so it’s not a one-off debt, you’re just short of a few thousand a year?’

‘What I’m short of is peace of mind. I’d actually have to sell-off quite a lot to generate the interest I’d need.’

‘Right. Well, to begin at the beginning. If push comes to shove, you should let yourself go into arrears on the management fees and or your club membership, because, at the end of the day, one or both could be claimed for from your estate. No one is going to throw you out whilst you have assets. Don’t get behind on basics like food, transport, utilities etc. And hold on to your shares until you want to sell them. I’d much prefer you took on a few commissions on the side.’

‘You want me to work for you?!’

‘Please, nothing so crude, but in my world, I can put a monetary value on almost anything...’

‘You do want me to hustle for you.’

‘Ada! Nothing that would leave you feeling in the least bit compromised.’

‘Your uncle is right to have doubts about you.’

‘You have the quiet, unobtrusive observational skills of a certain Miss Jane Marple - I can use that.’

‘I’m not some sort of honorary male!’

‘No, no, quite.’

‘I mean, I don’t mind being one of the chaps in public, but you know...’

‘Of course, must grate at times.’

‘I mean wearing these clothes, driving you around all the time, I get propositioned by enough women as it is.’

‘So, one would imagine.’

‘I just need a lot of old-fashioned straight attention.’

‘I’ll see what can be arranged.’

We were on our way to the Dissipated Kipper to claim our free lunch and hear how much truth there was in the Don’s version of Carrie’s version of life with Buffy and discover the fallout. Beyond the fact that Buffy had gone, we were in the dark.

‘Watch and learn Charlie, watch and learn.’

‘We have been here before; in case you’d forgotten.’

‘I know but I want you to appreciate that the country was once littered with blue-eyed, buxom blondes, leaning forward on beer sodden bars, showing all they’d got, and winking at the punters. The traditional barmaid is a very different kind of persuasion than your, barista-style waitressing. But no less effective for all that. Aye, aye, she’s coming over.’

‘One cod and chips and one plant-based platter, well on their way, may I join you?’

‘Naturally, it’s your bar!’

‘I know, it’s a good feeling, how’s the six-X?’

‘Excellent.’

‘Takings are up already. When Don realised what I wanted the money for, he said best forget the Downing Street stuff, and focus on the sexual shenanigans around here and at the cottage. The man’s a genius, we’re packed again and the regulars are only too glad to see the back of Buffy. Can’t imagine why I’m so popular again!’

‘Yes. The Beacon, family newspaper that it is, has to make the most of innuendo and the double entendre.’

‘Not sure I’d be so happy being so frank though.’ Mused Charlie.

‘Well, I’ve been around the block so much darling, seen it all I suppose, still all that play-acting stuff he used to insist on. I think he needed it all though, you know, to get aroused in the first place. I used to tell him; “relax, put yourself in the hands of an expert”, but it didn’t really work like that for him. Do you think it’s having puberty at a public school that brings on the kinky side, Tony?’

‘Well...’

‘Can't say I've noticed.’ Commented my companion.

‘Well no, not you Tony, always straight down, to business...’

‘What's happened to Fluffy?’ Interceded Charlie.

‘Told him to take the grubby thing with him. That was another bone of contention.’

‘How so?’

‘I wanted him outside, doing something useful, ratting, round the back of here.’

‘Where are they now?’

‘No idea.’

It wasn’t long before Buffy’s location became only too apparent. ‘How long can he afford a bedroom for?’ Asked Charlie as we motored to the Park.

‘Who knows. Still, the rulebook says you can only stay up to one calendar month.’

‘Rory’s Whitehall watchdog committee report is due out today; will he have seen it?’

‘Oh yes.’

We went our separate ways at the carpark.

Buffy snatched open the bedroom door so quickly, my hand was left raised in mid-air. ‘Oh! It’s you Anthony, I rather expected one of the staff, Fluffy has gone walkabout.’

‘Where did you see him last?’

‘Lost track of him coming in after our run.’ Which explained the rugby shirt, pre-war footer bags and essence of dog. ‘You’d better come in, I’m half way through the Flotterton Report, almost ten months and nearly a hundred pages, surprised he had the attention span. He’s a treacherous bastard. Prudence putting ideas in his head, she never liked me. You can have the turncoat back now. I’ll be full-time in the constituency, saving my seat! Have the Press turned-up yet, someone is bound to leak?’

‘Not as yet. You could hole-up here for up to a month without falling foul of the club, though I can’t promise the same for Fluffy.’

‘I’ll be gone within days. No, the Press are a minor irritant, one still has friends in Cabinet. Was that contact in Transport any use to you?’

‘Too early to say, we’re playing a long game.’

‘Can’t see why you’d be interested in steam trains, no money in it. Quite the reverse, unless that’s the point?’

‘We, had lunch with Carrie.’

‘You can have her back as well. Swop her for Charlie, eh?’

‘Ah, most amusing.’

‘What are you doing here anyway?’

‘Some of the chaps are concerned for your welfare.’

He paused, looked me up and down. ‘Really? We’re both just a couple of middle-class grafters, you and I. I’ll grant you give the finer performance, the tailored suit, fresh buttonhole. But some of that lot down below, are still obsessed with the outworn fetishes of a purblind social system.’

‘Rank is but the guinea stamp.’

‘How did you know I was going to say that?’

‘It’s a quote!’

‘But I just made it up.’

‘It’s Wodehouse!’

‘It is?’

‘The only author I’ve ever seen you reading. I’ll leave you alone now, so long Buffy.’

107: Golf widower

‘I have no interest in this matter, what, so, ever.’

‘I’m not demanding action; I just want advice!’ So said Charlie.

‘The power is all with you, Buffy is just heading up the sub-committee, you’re at liberty to throw out any recommendations. But still, better to kill anything you don’t like before it gets written down, as a rule, usually.’

‘Usually?’

‘Well, from time to time you might want evidence of someone’s idiocy.’

‘Oh, right.’

‘So, let me see if I’ve got this right, you fear Buffy has given a nod and a wink to the people he’s approached, when in fact the actual list needs the approval of the full committee - that was in the terms of reference the sub-committee were given, I take it?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, who are these people he’s claiming to have recruited? Not that their names will mean anything to me, but their status?’

‘Two talent show winners, an ex-daytime tv presenter, a fiction blogger, oh, and a regional weatherman.’

‘All sounds pretty C-list to me. What of the pros?’

‘Well, we’re a bit better-off there; resident pros from Wentworth and Sandwich, plus a former champion and Ryder Cup Captain, with his wife!’

‘You say that, like I should understand?’

‘She, is a former actress and a useful player herself, but has a lot of experience at organising charity events.’

‘Well that all sounds not so bad.’

‘We’ve heard on the grapevine, he’s in cahoots with an ex-MEP, in the hope of persuading a certain golfing ex-President.’

‘Not a chance! He doesn’t have the clout, believe me. He’s just shooting his mouth off, flying a kite.’

‘Maybe not. I thought they were supposed to be mates.’

‘People have accused him of being a mate, mainly because he was the only world leader who could maintain a coherent conversation with the man. Say what you will about Buffy, he has a remarkable ability to connect. Now listen-up, he wants us to blow a gasket, threaten allsorts, he wants to flush us out onto open ground, see how far he can push us. Stay cool. Restrict any sort of comment to “the members would never wear it”, or “the membership committee would take a very dim view, kind of thing that gets a chap black-balled.” You know the sort of thing.’

Despite being underwhelmed, and considering myself well-off out of it, nonetheless simply by hanging around the club, and at home, meant I couldn’t stop hearing more about the imminent tournament. One day when Charlie wandered into the media room looking care worn, I assumed more minor golfing irritations were on their way. It turned out I was quite wrong.

‘There’s something I have to confess.’

‘Good lord!’

‘I’ve made a right balls-up of things.’

‘More golf woes?’

‘Well not directly. The thing is, I got bit above myself. I attempted a scheme, it blew-up in my face.’

‘A scheme? As in my kind of schemes, the ones you’re always disapproving of?’

‘I know, I can’t have been in my right mind.’

‘Well speaking as a schemer, more likely inexperience, rather than a bad scheme!’

‘That’s just it, my quarry said something unexpected.’

‘How much are you down?’

‘What? Oh no, it didn’t get that far. You know I’ve been getting to know Ada, helping her keep fit and that.’

‘Ah!’ I couldn’t help smiling.

‘You know, she’s told you?’

‘No, not a word. It’s just, I’ve an idea I know where this is going.’

‘Yes, you would, like her, you see me coming, thinking three steps ahead.’

‘It’s just the same kind of anticipation that anyone with a particular skillset acquires.’

‘Well, anyway. Ada is worried, she wants to stay at her bungalow forever and stay as a member of the club till her dying day, but she’s concerned she won’t have the cash and is thinking of selling stuff. I sort of, well started talking about her shares in the Park company, how they must be worth a lot more than she paid for them and that if she ever wanted to sell, I’d be more than willing to... Don’t smirk!’

‘And?’

‘Buy them off her.’

‘And her reply?’

‘She said, yes she thought I would be an appropriate recipient, but of course we would need to negotiate over price, she just had one condition, she wouldn’t go behind your back, I’d have to get your approval.’

‘And you didn’t see that coming? Ada knows which side her bread is buttered, clearly you don’t!  All these years, I’ve been treating you as an opponent worthy of my steel...’

‘Alright, alright, stop pissing about. Where did I go wrong?’

‘Well, specifically in the case of Ada, you may well know her very well, but what of her situation and her relationship to me as a major shareholder in the Park? She values her home more than her shares, okay?’

‘Oh, right.’

‘And they are really two separate issues.’

‘What will you do?’

‘Talk to her about the security of leases, protocols around management fees. And I’ll do that by visiting her at home, have you been to her home?’

‘No.’

‘Another mistake. I’ll ask her what the insurance are stinging her for? She’s got a unique porcelain collection; some individual pieces would keep her in hearth and home for several years.’

‘And the shares?’

‘She should be in the position to do with them whatever she judges to be right.’

I had hoped to absent myself from the Park during the golf, which it turned out was to be a three-day event, but I interpreted a friendly warning phone call from Carrie, as a call to arms. It seemed Buffy, who as far as I was aware didn’t know one end of a golf club from another, had entered himself in the tournament and been drawn against Ada Armitage in the first round on the first day. As we were parking, I noticed Cat emerging rather rapidly from the bushes, when he saw us, he changed pace and direction, and sauntered over. ‘Skulking?’ I suggested.

‘Just a little bit of business, on the side.’

‘What odds are you offering on Ada?’

‘None old man. Far too late. Drawing Buffy is considered something of a free pass to round two.’

‘I’m here against my better judgement you know.’ I asserted.

‘Well, me too darling!’

‘So, what’s the story?’

‘It’s the final straw, that’s the story. I’m going to give him notice to quit once this latest embarrassment is over.’

‘Will there be a row?’

‘Bound to be, he'll resent being told to walk.’

I left a pregnant pause, then said in my best conspiratorial voice; ‘What would happen if he, was to leave you?’

‘I'd be all meek and mild, he'd be on his way within minutes. You’ve had one of your ideas!’

‘Well, after you rang, I contacted Don Wooley and told him to get on the night-sleeper pronto, I’ve sent my assistant to find him. The idea is that he and Charlie should shadow Buffy around the course taking pictures. He’s up against Mrs Armitage, now she is cool headed, knows her limits, will keep her head down and not be distracted. She’ll play it safe and come in close to whatever is par for her. I’m assuming at some point Buffy will get frustrated and start messing around. Two or three shots over par at one hole will give Ada the match. However, a still photo of turf flying and a ball failing to take-off will often show a facial expression of anger or madness, right?’

‘Absolutely. But how does that help me?’

‘Suppose I could persuade Don to hold off publishing the pictures until he has a proper tabloid story to go with them? A kiss and tell perhaps. “Inside Buffy’s Downing Street” or something?’

‘He’d think it the ultimate betrayal. But it could backfire awfully! I don’t want to be chucked out of the club, and I want the pub to remain a success.’

‘That’s why, whatever you’ve got to tell, you tell to another club member. Don values his membership as much as anyone, and he’s already a keeper of Buffy’s secrets. You have to trust him to judge how much of what you say finds its way into the paper and how it’s spun.’

97: The Trumpton Interviews (part one)

‘News travels fast around here,’ is a firm belief amongst most club members. But in reality, it only travels fast when they want it to, so I mused, whilst lounging there one day. As if to confirm my thought, or pre-cognition if you believe in such things, I was interrupted in my reverie by Carrie, and where Carrie goes, Buffy is never far behind. ‘What ho, stranger!’ I declared.

‘Has the blighter come out yet?’

‘Whom? And from where, pray?’

‘Buffy, from having one of his secret recording sessions with Don.’

‘Oh! I see now. I’d somehow got it into my head these must be two hour long, live interrogations.’

‘No, no, Tony. Everything needs very skilful editing. It’s a series of off-the-cuff, lifting-the-lid on the secrets of government thing. But revelations that have been, well, spun to come out right. And passed by the lawyers before broadcast too. By the way, either Buffy or Don may approach you for access and permissions, to use the visuals everyone knows you’ve got, but very few have seen.’ Then she winked!

‘To be in their turn appropriately edited no doubt?’

‘Well, not unlike yourself, with Carry on Prime Minister. But of course, to give a rather different take on affairs.’

‘My cooperation will come at a price.’

‘Doesn’t it always darling!’

‘For once I’ll have to think, what can Buffy do for me? So, you’ve been holed-up at the cottage all this time?’

‘And been being constantly instructed by Buffy to creep across the parkland to get here, before entering by the rear.’

‘Is he really homeless without you?’

‘It’s either stay with me, or at that dump of a flat in his constituency. It’s the only real bargaining chip I have... Between you and me I really can’t see our relationship surviving much longer.’

‘It had a large element of convenience in the first place.’

‘You can say that again. He still thinks he can take a lot of people for granted, I’d say you’re the man to take him down a peg or two, Tony.’

‘I’ll see what can be arranged!’

‘How’s Charlotte?’

‘Growing ever more powerful by the day.’

‘Oh, well that’s good, no chance of you getting bored then.’

Then we were interrupted; ‘Ah! There you are Anthony; I was hoping for a word.’

‘Buffy.’

‘Yes, er, now then, we must consult, we have many matters of mutual interest now.’

‘We do?’

‘I have the ear of government, you with your extensive interests in property and business must surely be in need of a friendly ear?’

‘Isn’t there some rule against that sort of thing these days?’

‘It’s a code, its not mandatory, ministers and prime ministers decide. Constitutionally, it’s none of parliament’s business.’

‘Are you angling for a job? Money worries? It can’t be Carrie, she’s hardly high maintenance, quite the reverse from what I hear.’

‘I’ll leave you two, to it.’ She said, I could see she was on the verge of cracking-up.

‘One is never short of offers after high office.’ Buffy continued, oblivious.

‘Really? Surely after your pre-recorded candour about life behind closed doors, people will worry about how sound you really are?’

‘Oh! Don’t give me that old fashioned civil service guff. The reality of politics and civil servants is very different today, and there are many openings in the private sector. And besides, after wider exploitation by Don, money won’t be an immediate problem. Listen, we need to talk seriously about the broader political message I’m sending out, developing on your ideas as it happens, whispered into Rory’s suggestable ear. Quite insightful really.’

‘And you need some statesman-like video to illustrate the podcasts.’

‘Let me buy you lunch.’

‘Can’t be done today I’m afraid, I’m already lunching my solicitor.’

‘I never had you down as a football fan.’ I chided Bernard over pre-lunch drinks in the bar.

‘How the devil?’

‘Or perhaps you were just networking, taking advantage of the corporate hospitality. Times have changed, I always think of our local clubs as permanently occupying the lower half of League Division Four, as was. And Merriweather and Stollard billboards all around the ground, still I suppose you must know what you’re doing.’

‘Everyone needs a solicitor, especially these days. Who told you?’

‘Not who, but what. You really should think these things through, or read the paperwork that passes over your desk. We sold our facial recognition security software to the football club. The police wanted them to be compatible. But it is of course the same system that clocks you whenever you’re in the old bank. I got an automatic alert, as the responsible person for security at the Trust. My system thought you might be an interloper!’

Bernard had recovered himself by the time we were seated; ‘Well now, this is an unexpected pleasure. A free lunch from you I mean. Do you have something for me, or do you need to confess something? Come along, good news or bad? Spit it out before I order, otherwise I won’t know how expensive to make it for you.’

‘Oh, just a bit of a story to tell. After your rejection of my approach regarding the railway land, I felt duty bound to hand over the property deeds to the executor and his solicitors, for the collecting of items in the estate of Mary Tufnell. I may have no influence now alas, my entitlement is to possessions, not property after all. Ah well. Do order, whatever!’

‘Yes. Thank you. Who are the solicitors?’

‘Periwinkle and Blythe.’

‘What! Are you mad? You’ve heard me talk about them for decades. Blythe is bent.’

‘A strange choice of word coming from you!’

‘As in crooked, as in sailing too close to illegality. I want you to know I regard this as an act of personal disloyalty.’

‘The Tufnell family have always used your chief rivals.’

‘The only reason they are rivals at all, is that they cut corners; damn it I have a file several inches thick on Blythe alone. You know what he’ll do, insist on a particular surveyor going to all the properties, on bringing in an independent valuer, then clock-up who knows how many hours updating the land registry, all those purchases predate computerisation. And at the end of the day, the land will just appear in the estate accounts as of minimal value - abandoned brown field sites with no permissions - taking years to sell, yet the costs, will be astronomical! I imagine your friends will feel as aggrieved about you as I do. Send them to me when all this happens, if I could only get sworn affidavits, I’d be able to kick Blythe into the street once and for all...’

‘How much do you want Blythe?’

‘A lot!’ Then I could see a light come on. ‘Oh! You bastard.’

‘Well.’ I said, turning my palms up in a submissive gesture.

‘And most of this has happened already I suppose?’

‘They met alone with Blythe, he barely mentioned costs, they’re writing their statements as we speak, I’ve arranged an appointment for the aggrieved couple to have an hour of your time, at my expense, in a couple of days. After you’ve explained what you can do for them, you’ll be obliged to tell them it may take some time, at which point you say you are in a position to make an offer on my behalf.’

‘And?’

‘In the spirit of Mary’s Will, the Trust will take all the properties off their hands for half their value, but we will also pay the entire costs. Cash in hand, now. Mr Tufnell junior may look a little affronted at this, but his wife will say something like; “Don’t make a fuss darling, Tony has just saved your arse, again”. I’ll be at the end of a telephone line if you need me.’

‘Done. Not only is it worth it to see the humiliation of Blythe, but it will put more business in the hands of Merriweather and Stollard for years to come. But, I mean, Tony! I just don’t see why you’re so determined to acquire the land?’

‘There are two old avoiding routes for the coast line, both of which we can delay and make horrendously expensive, but at the same time, we, that is other members of what I should perhaps start thinking of as a consortium, can offer to buy outright, from a debt-ridden government, a loss-making railway line, or two.’

‘It’s steaming apple pie with ice cream day, today, isn’t it?’

81: The fall and rise

Good Friday found us at Checkley Manor as usual. ‘Does anyone remember the old-style fun fairs?’ I said to the kitchen table at large. ‘How they always had a shooting gallery, you could shoot down figures one at a time in a long line...’

‘And!’ Said Uncle.

‘Buffy’s happy few, his band of brothers are falling at an ever-increasing rate. And yet, new figures keep appearing as if by magic.’

‘Are you going to do anything about Tuffy’s attempt to blackball him from the club?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Ah, thank you for reminding me.’

Later, when alone in the grounds I put in a call to Cat. ‘Er, actually old man, Tuffy’s complaint is in the pending tray for the time being; fact is, Buffy’s membership is currently lapsed.’

‘Explain.’

‘Well, you know how membership renewal depends on the receipt of fees and the clearing of your account, well Buffy has stood a lot of bar bills in the last year, he’s been sent a reminder and all that, but he has slipped over the renewal date.’

‘I see. I think I might just drop a hint to Carrie.’

‘Might be as well, apparently, they’ll be at the cottage this weekend, bit embarrassing if she has to sign him in! Also, you might care to explain to Tuffy that under our rulebook you can only expel someone for behaviour whilst at the club, and that doesn’t include when the premises are being used for other purposes.’

‘Cat?’

‘Tony, old son.’

‘You couldn’t do me a quick favour, check bookings for the ballroom and if it’s free on Easter Monday, book it out to me for the whole day.’

‘Carrie!’

‘Ah, Tony. The voice of sanity.’

‘Bless you. Er, sorry to do this, bit embarrassing really...’

‘I doubt it, not when viewed from Downing Street.’

‘Yes, quite, the fact is, Buffy’s membership of the club has lapsed, failure to pay fees and settle his account.’

‘Shit! I told him, when I renewed. Hang on.’

For once she forgot to press mute; ‘I’m not bloody made of money! Tell him the cheque is in the post.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes!’

‘Will it bounce?’

Then, after a long pause; ‘Tony?’

‘Carrie.’

‘He says there is a cheque in the post.’

‘Tell him, if he plans on visiting, make it Monday, but you may have to sign him in if the money hasn’t arrived.’

‘Very well, and Tony, I haven’t forgotten you were the one who persuaded me to return to the blighter.’

‘Running out on us again!’ So said Uncle when I announced our intention of leaving a few hours early.

‘Well only by half a day.’

‘All the same, what progress in the vines?’

‘I’ve brought you up to date with the pruning and tying.’

‘And what moves in the woods Charlotte?’

‘Your new eastern European hiring is a lot further on with the charcoal burners, than he is with his comprehension of English!’

On arrival at the Park, I took a direct line to the office, there to commune with the club secretary. ‘The ballroom is all yours, the PM’s debts got paid by money transfer late Friday, from some unrecognisable company account at a bank on Grand Cayman, and the man himself is working the room, the lounge that is, at this very moment.’

‘Excellent!’ I replied, exiting immediately towards the veranda bar, that being the best vantage point from which to observe Buffy’s progress. Much to my surprise, I found Bernard and Brinkley propping up the bar, in the company of Henry Walpole no less. ‘I say, what ho, Walpole! You know it’s a complete waste of time touting for briefs from Bernard, he likes to do his own advocacy.’

‘You forget Anthony, I’ve been put out to grass, by my wife.’

‘Yes of course, must be a bit of a wrench at times. And the two of you, a rare sighting indeed.’

‘Well, we are semi-retired Tony, Lawrence and I are entitled to our occasional indulgences. And as Walpole was saying, it’s always worth taking a look at the locus in quo.’

‘Something my old pupil master used to say.’

‘You should be swapping old anecdotes about Sparkwell QC, Charlotte’s daddy. Bernard’s suffered at his hands too!’

‘What brings you here Tony?’ Asserted Bernard.

‘Oh, just on our way back from my uncle’s place.’

‘Here to keep an eye on our esteemed Prime Minister?’ Suggested Brinkley.

‘Yes, alright then. Talking of which, would you excuse me a moment?’

‘How are you Prime Minister?’

‘Ah! Anthony. Under savage pressure as it happens.’

‘Ah, yes. Playing the international statesman, the war leader in waiting. Must take it out of you, but goes down well with the voters no doubt.’

‘I trust you’re not here to gloat?’

‘By no means. Indeed, I’m here to offer you what I just know you will find an amusing diversion from the cost-of-living crisis.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘A short commemorative video of your previous visits.’

‘What!’ A micro expression of alarm crossed his face.

‘If you and Carrie would care to step this way, I’ve arranged a little private viewing in the ballroom.’

I whispered to Charlie, to ask her former handler come mentor from the security detail to lock us in, from the outside, and after a moment or two’s chat, he did!

‘What’s going on? Where’s my protection gone?’

‘I thought the four of us might appreciate a little privacy.’

The large screen worked remarkably well, despite the variable quality of the images in Carry-On Prime Minister. It also benefited from a little program I’d acquired for the removal of layers of ambient noise from audio recordings. Our little half hour movie featured sequences all the way from Buffy’s first landing on what was now the eighteenth green, to his post-run Haka!

When it finally came to an end there was a long silence before Buffy spoke; ‘Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to deliver a threat. Notice how he saves your blushes Charlie; you’re just simply portrayed as the innocent waitress. The editing is outrageous, talk about hashtag - context collapse!’ He then buried his face in his hands for about a count of ten, before asserting; ‘So, who apart from us has seen this?’

‘Only my co-producer Barmy, and my co-owner the Earl.’

‘You sure about that?’

‘Oh, yes. And of course, it can stay that way.’

‘I can burn you, as much as you can burn me.’

‘Well, no not really.’

‘What?’

‘All I have to do is send a copy of this to the media. You on the other hand have had two and a half years to fatten your dossier on me, and got nowhere.’

‘You can’t possibly know that.’

‘True, but what I can know with one hundred percent certainty, is that I never do anything, only the Trust does things, and it was entirely reconstituted before the summit. You, are up against a legal brick wall.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Full implementation of the Flotterton Manifesto.’

‘What?’

‘Everything outlined in Rory’s speech.’

‘I know what you bloody meant! That speech you wrote for him was pure fantasy.’

‘I didn’t write a word. I admit I was present when Rory, relaxing in the lounge after a massage from Charlie, came up with his ideas whilst staring deep into the log fire. Besides it doesn’t have to be practical. It merely has to inspire, create the right direction of travel. Oh, and one other small thing. A safe seat for Frimley Coates. After all, in fifteen years or so, he’d be your natural successor.’

‘Aren’t you forgetting something Tony?’ Chipped in Carrie; ‘All the other people who have him by the short and curly what’s it’s!’

‘Am I Buffy?’

There was another pregnant pause, filled only by Charlie asking innocently; ‘How did all this arch enemy stuff start anyway?’

‘It all goes back to the Scripture Knowledge Prize. I noticed just the other day that you’d claimed to have won it, again.’

‘But I did!’

‘Over the heads of better men, by the most brazen swindling methods, “breath-taking impertinence” - weren’t those the headmaster’s words?’

‘Something of the sort, can’t say I remember precisely.’

‘No, they say psychopaths don’t remember pain. But what I do remember was that the Head went on to give a speech bemoaning the passing of corporal punishment, and his inability to tenderise your arse.’

Then Buffy began to laugh. A moment later he said, smiling; ‘Anthony, you are a one-man walking nudge unit.’

‘Well thank you, you’re too kind, Prime Minister.’

‘I don’t buy it.’ So said Charlie as we were crossing the carpark.

‘Just as well, cos’ it ain’t for sale!’

‘What went down back there? You had him on the rocks, yet he walked away with a spring in his step.’

‘I showed him a way out, not just from me, but from everyone else gunning for him. It’s the game Charlie, the motivation is in the thrill of getting away with it.’

71: The speech

Charlotte stood over my right shoulder, reading her tablet. ‘I don’t get it. None of this makes sense.’

‘Well, you know Rory...’

‘Yes, I get why he’d need a speech written for him.’

‘Not written, spoken, foretold if you like, at a time when he was highly suggestable.’

‘Yes. I get why words like these might be spoken by a right-wing MP. I just don’t see why he should go up against the PM. He’ll just draw attention to himself, I mean if anyone challenges him, he’ll fall apart in five seconds.’

‘Ah, but he’s under pressure to get on, from you know who.’

‘But if the PM prompted you, to get Rory to attack him, Rory won’t be going anywhere.’

‘Oh, I don’t know.’

‘So, what is the plan?’

‘Well Buffy just thinks it’s better PR to be seen to be pressured by others into doing the right thing, than suggesting it himself. Odd I know, something about the parliamentary party asserting itself, feeling it is really in charge, which of course it’s not.’

‘I can’t pretend to get all that, but what’s in it for us?’

‘Favoured status for the Park, a cooperative - if not particularly friendly - Chief Constable. All sorts of things that oil the wheels.’

‘Some people will notice these are not Rory’s words, and some of this is a blatant give away, “I won my seat by taking on the retired commissars of the metropolitan left who litter the English Riviera”. Quite a few people know that’s the sort of thing you’d say when taking the piss! And what of; “For you can only put the Great back into Great Britain, tackle the mountain of debt, and make us a going concern again with high and sustained economic growth. The Prime Minister has already spent all we can afford on the pandemic and stimulus packages for the North, the so-called Red Wall. The rest must come from becoming a low tax, low spend economy again. Yet as traditionalists it is our duty to maintain the military, the police and our security forces. Now the PM may not permit the word austerity to pass his lips, in this he is correct, for shaving budgets here and there for a few years will never be enough. The only way out is to cut absolutely the bloated and unnecessary state apparatus, the mindless bureaucracy which has grown around us all over the last fifty years. But, unlike entrepreneurial led growth, cutting the state is not a bottom-up process, quite the reverse.” The Beacon doesn’t normally reprint political speeches like this.’

‘Quite!’

‘Now this is just plain silly; “Number Ten must lead by example, the very cabinet table of which we are so proud, only comfortably sits eleven or twelve minsters, plus the Prime Minister himself and the Cabinet Secretary, there to record the minutes. With a reduction in ministries, there would be the chance of real cabinet government, again. Such was the situation the last time this country could call itself great. Now, we have a Cabinet Office employing a staggering eight thousand people.” This is the new Victorians thing I suppose?’

‘Absolutely, sounds a bit mad when Rory says it, but seen in cold print...’

‘And what about; “A Colonial Office of a few hundred administered an empire, now the same number hand out aid we can ill afford, for projects where we never discover whether they worked or not.” Is that true?’

‘It’s what the tabloid press believes to be true.’

‘Blimey, “a policy of intervention in the affairs of others is an outrageous foreign policy, hugely expense and merely encourages antipathy towards the West. I say trade, not aid.” There’s more, “the NHS has become a monster out of control, creating endless demand, as the population gets ever unhealthier. How wrong, Bevan and the men from the ministry were, to believe that the real cost of the NHS would fall over time as less people got ill.” Was that true?’

‘Oh, yes!’

‘I’ve had enough of this; we must get back to the garden.’

‘Is that your considered political position or a practical suggestion?’

‘Shut, up.’

‘Hang-on a second, does he get a mention in the editorial?’

‘Oh, yes. “A rare true-blue speech from the unknown MP who is only recorded as having spoken twice in the House of Commons. Perhaps he should assert himself more often for he goes straight to the heart of issues long championed by this paper.” A ringing endorsement then.’

Later that day I took a call; ‘I have the Prime Minister for you.’

‘Carrie!’

‘He’s using me as a bloody secretary now.’

‘You should get out more.’

‘Tell me about it, darling! It’s all right for him, he’s always out and about. Although, I rather think he wishes I could do a Charlotte and transform myself into a valette, when required.’

There was a sudden pause. Then Buffy came on the line. ‘Anthony! Just to say, marvellous job regarding young Rory, just the right tone, makes me sound like a sober minded judge. Ha! We can take it from here.’

‘But what will become of him?’

‘Well, he can’t very well accept a ministerial job now, after saying all he did about making cutbacks, can he? No, Chair of the parliamentary Whitehall watchdog committee should suit.’

The following week, Prudence approached me at the club. ‘Wasn’t he wonderful Tony? And I’ll let you in on a secret, it was all his own words, I had no involvement at all! I didn’t even see the script. What about that. You never believed it possible he could be his own man. As chair of this committee, he can call anyone to account, any minister, even Buffy himself. He is a force to be reckoned with. Now he’s being talked of as a future leader of the party.’

She seemed proud of her man, in a deeply unfashionable way. Feeling that perhaps life was getting just a tad too easy, I headed for the bar in search of a stiff drink.

‘Tony!’

‘Don! You’re spending a lot of time in this next of the woods, for one who’s meant to be a columnist for our leading national paper.’

‘I’ve been sent by my editor. He said; “You’ve got the connections, go be a reporter, find out about this MP who’s making the headlines.” Hoisted by my own petard. Having built Rory up at your request, now I’m being asked to knock him down.’

‘So, we are forced to ask, from whom does your editor take his orders?’

‘Better not to ask. Rather, why is it, that whenever I ask questions in this place the answers always seem to lead back to you! Or rather, you and your sidekick. Yet it also seems I’m in your debt, I hadn’t realised it was your recommendation that got me in here.’

‘We’re more than happy to have you.’

‘Rory is a chump. You contrived to get him elected, seemingly as a favour to his wife. As a consequence, this place, in which you have a financial stake, becomes a hive of political activity following on from the new MP’s support for the nation’s most notorious politician who in short order becomes the next PM. Now, I can’t write all that up, because it’s all too far fetched even for our readers.’

‘But you can’t go home empty handed. What you need is a nice little human-interest story about the life and loves of a chump, perhaps with a few choice anecdotes from an old school chum.’

‘Let me buy you lunch.’

‘I thought you’d never ask.’

68: Rivals and restorations

I was lounging away an hour or so at the club one day, when I was approached by the secretary. ‘Anthony, my dear fellow, I wonder, can you tell me, in my capacity as manager of the Park, who or what the Constitution Group are? They’re seeking to book conference facilities via the website, and I haven’t a clue who one might be letting in!’

‘Ah, now, yes indeed. They consist, I think of about thirty in all, some MPs, some policy wonks plus assorted members of the governing party. All Brexiteers, but of a certain inclination, those who have a rather literal interpretation of “taking back control”, they lobby for the dismantling of all that European law accumulated over the last forty-five years or so.’

‘All Leavers, you say?’

‘Yes, but of a particular kind, there’s another group who just call themselves The Free Traders, who as you might imagine are concerned with barriers to trade, like their nineteenth century forebears. No, this lot, well the most extreme elements, would like to see the Supreme Court, taken to court under the Trades Descriptions Act, for flying under false colours. But the more sophisticated feel we should return to having just five Law Lords, properly confined within the Palace of Westminster with just one corridor to work from again! There is a body of opinion that says you can transform the countries fortunes a lot quicker if you simply repeal, on mass. Allow the common law and precedent to assert itself, so the previous law is automatically reinstated.’

‘Good lord, would that work?’

‘I’ve absolutely no idea.’

‘All sounds a bit eccentric.’

‘Of course, others simply call the Constitution Group - the Frimley Coates Supporters Club.’

‘Oh well. That’s all right. I’ll give them the go ahead then.’

‘Barmy’s back, he has the new pins, needs a bit of muscle to help in the Games Room though.’

‘Oh, right. Er, carry-on Sparkwell.’

‘Ah, she’s a game girl that one.’ Said the anonymous member sat next to me at the bar.

A while later I silently put my head around the entrance to the hallway. ‘Just hold her steady, I’m almost there Charlie.’ The two of them had begun to attract a crowd of onlookers, happy to merely watch and admire “men at work” so to speak.

‘Taught me all I know about keeping one’s back in shape.’ Someone quipped.

‘Loosened me up no end - and I’m due to collect my pension next year.’ Said another. I crept away.

A few days later, we were back. ‘Frimley!’

‘Anthony.’

‘I hear you and your cronies will be taking over the conference area for a couple of days next week. Have everything you need?’

‘Oh, I think so. Now you’re offering a dozen bedrooms it makes life easier. I should tip you the wink though, that the PM may put in an appearance. Apparently, Carrie has a cottage somewhere in the area, they’re hoping for a few days away from media intrusion. I merely mention it in case there’s any last-minute need for, well you and your companion’s skills at crowd control, so to speak.’

‘Thanks for letting us know.’

‘It does also occur to me that, my little convocation, might benefit from Wooley’s presence in the back row, as it were.’

‘Really?’

‘Extraordinary influence that rag has over the hearts and minds of the great British public.’

‘Perhaps I should leak your presence.’

‘That would be extraordinarily generous of you. Ready for a top-up?’

A week on and I was thinking it really might be judicious if we were present at the Park for day one of Frimley’s shindig. Not only had Wooley taken the bait, but Carrie had phoned the evening before to say Buffy was getting restless at the cottage and was threatening to seek an alternative sanctuary; ‘Somehow I don’t see the club working for him without your presence darling, you’re one of the few who can rein him in.’

Charlie proved hesitant. ‘So, remind me, where is the pecuniary advantage, in us doing this?’

‘Well, there isn’t one, apart from whatever fees are being collected from Coates’ mob.’

‘So?’

‘Well, it’s just about the general wellbeing of those we know and love.’

‘You mean your rather dubious acquaintances.’

‘Yes, okay, all of that. Just answer me this; wouldn’t you be feeling rather anxious and restless if you were stuck here, knowing that lot had the run of the Park to themselves?’

We planned no specific interventions you understand, beyond showing our faces everywhere and being convivial. We found the Don stoking the fire in the lounge. ‘I doubt you’ll find any interesting stories in here.’ I chided.

‘Tony! Yes, well. Frimley’s crew are still offering introductory congratulations and doing their version of an ice-breaker. I’d forgotten you don’t allow alcohol before twelve.’

‘Coffee Don?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Thank you, my darling.’ He watched her as she trailed off towards the bar. ‘Our readers like her. But it’s my proprietor who’s keen on what the constitutionalists have to say, how one spins that to our followers, god knows!’

‘What do the focus groups and reader’s panels tell you?’

‘Oh, traditionalists to the last man and woman, it’s just, how many people remember life before the EU? Where’s all this wood coming from these days?’

‘Purchased, at the normal rate from the local horticultural centre. The fact that they and the farms that supply them, are all owned by the family Trust, is a pure coincidence.’

‘Yes, of course.’

As Charlie returned and set down the tray, she said in her quiet unassuming way; ‘There would appear, gentlemen, to be a minor disturbance in the grounds...’ The Don was gone before she could elaborate. ‘At this distance, it would appear to be a band of warriors or insurgents, dodging around the golf course and approaching the far side of the lake, sir.’

On reaching the veranda window we were met by the sight of what might have been a platoon of commandos, running slightly stooped, towards the house. A darkly dressed group, around a central figure partially dressed and recognisable only too easily by the shock of hair. I was instantly transported back to school.

‘Who’s the blighter in the rugger shirt and pre-war footer bags? I’m sure I’ve seen him before.’ Said one of the older bar regulars.

‘Oh, Quentin darling, he’s the Prime Minister for goodness’ sake.’ Replied his much younger female companion.

‘Looks more like Roderick Spode, the amateur dictator.’

‘Oh, no, not another grand entrance.’ I mumbled under my breath to no one in particular.

‘You must wait for the “warm down”, it’s become quite a ritual of late.’ I turned to find Carrie at my shoulder, carrying what I assumed was Buffy’s change of clothes. ‘It all began with the protection officers trying to teach him the proper way to end a run, now it’s morphed into his version of a Maori Haka.’

‘Ah, Anthony, there you are, I was hoping for a word.’

‘You do surprise me Prime Minister.’

‘Gosh, still a little out of breath. Now then, now the crises can be presumed to be behind us, we’re anxious to move the agenda forward. The thing is, I’m often not the right person to raise issues. The media, the opposition and some of the great unwashed, seem to like it when I’m seen to be a bit out of touch, taken by surprise and forced to reluctantly concede things.’

‘Can’t say I’d noticed.’

‘Well, you never were much of a politico. Anyway, I was hoping Rory might come up with one of his ideas, make a speech maybe at one of the fringe party conference meetings next month.’

‘Since when has Rory, ever been known to have had an idea?’

‘Well, the last time you gave him one of course.’ Buffy then proceeded to outline his plan, and how I should persuade Rory, with or without the assistance of Prudence, to make a speech which would arouse support in the party and eventual cause the PM, to act. He then realised he was late for his appointment with Frimley’s followers.

‘See you later perhaps,’ I said.

‘No, we must be leaving for Scotland directly after my speech. We’ve been commanded to attend for a convivial long weekend at Balmoral Castle.’

44: A woman's best friend

‘Yes, I see. No. He, and a single guest, can book one of the bedrooms for up to four weeks, but if he wants to bring in more guests it has to be on a daily basis as part of an event, pre-booked and organised for. You must say, no but we do have our new conference facilities, the ballroom with seating up to one hundred and thirty, plus the two adjoining seminar rooms, which are both fully wired-up like the ballroom, and one of which could be used as a temporary press room, for interviews via the Internet. As long as he understands there are no permissions to use it like a radio studio. No, you must explain all this, say you’ve consulted, spoken to senior management, and you definitely don’t say it was me. He needs deniability as much as we do. Yes. Speak later.’

‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have heard all that.’

‘Well, actually, sometime in the next few weeks if you bump into your favourite columnist at the Park, you should make friends, show him the ropes, but remember the idea is he tells you stuff, not the other way around. Difficult I know given he’s the one trained to get information out of people, but…’

‘I’d be all tongue tied.’

‘Well offer him a story.’

‘I haven’t got any.’

‘Yes you have! Tell him about matey, our local celebrity chef and his seafood harbour restaurant, he’ll love that. They know all chefs are psychos who always gesture with the hand holding the knife - tell him about all the cod coming from the Baltic! Better still, tell him the seafood only tastes great because the punter is sitting on the harbour.’

‘Oh, right.’

It takes it out of you organising a campaign without appearing to do so. The cognitive load, as the neuroscientists refer to it, is just too much. I found myself thinking out loud; ‘Now, Buffy just makes a single visit, with twenty-four hours’ notice; but Carrie, armed with secret weapon, is booked in for two days door knocking with Rory in the final week, however, we don’t have to worry about accommodation because she still has the cottage behind the Dissipated Kipper. Now then, avoid the fish quay this time because the opposition will just pipe up and say it’s only there because of EU money, where can Buffy and Rory safely go? Charlie!’

‘Leave me out of it.’

‘Just a point of information, that’s all. What was the name of that website that ranked our chippy number one in the South West or whatever?’

‘Why on earth?’

‘I want to give Wooley the headline “PM learns right way to fry chips” but, you know, translated into tabloid speak. Buffy loves anything where he can roll up his sleeves.’

‘Aren’t you in grave danger of getting “Buffy’s Had His Chips”.’

‘Oh my God, are we?’

‘Well, I don’t know, but anyway, according to today’s freesheet, the overpriced ice cream tub is standing again.’

‘What! They must be mad.’

‘Even if they are, they’ll still have learnt something from the last time.’

‘Touché. Whatever we do, we mustn’t follow the same logic as before.’

‘Why are you knocking your pan out over all this?’

‘Oh, I don’t know, gives the little grey cells a thorough workout I suppose, besides this is the easy bit, next I have to convince Prudence to convince Rory that he dreamed all this up!’

‘You’re this Tony guy, right? Don Wooley, The Beacon.’

‘Are yes of course, I have a close personal friend who reads you all the time.’

‘The Valette, I’ve met her, you’re a class act, so I’m told.’

‘Well thank you.’

‘I can’t believe my proprietor has cleared your invoice for exclusive use of your dinky new conference facility for four whole weeks, plus a room for me and my partner. More palatial than Buck House itself.’

‘Well, it is somewhat older.’

‘Ha! Effortless. And still we vote for Her Madge.’

‘Well, if you could just see your way to a post-Brexit trade deal, you’re welcome to throw Charlie boy overboard. Drink?’

‘I thought you’d never ask. I’ve just been trying to get the raspberry ripple over here for an interview, he turned me down.’

‘Fascinating, I’ve been on the lookout for him or any of his lieutenants for some time, assuming they would try and infiltrate in order to have a pop at us.’

‘Perhaps he thinks if he steps across the portal, he’ll become tainted.’

‘That’s a point, instead of actually learning anything about their opposition, they’d rather remain in ignorance for fear of losing their reputation for ideological purity.’

‘I doubt they’re even conscious of where their beliefs come from mate!’

As soon as we were informed of Buffy’s second official flying visit, we decamped to the Park immediately. Early the following morning Charlie and I set-up a one-way system in the house to marshal police, government security, party HQ campaign staff, the media and the politicians themselves. She asked; ‘Will any members be allowed in today?’

‘In theory, yes.’

‘Well, I’m supposed to be leading the final wood patrol!’

‘Ah. Er, I’d try and meet them in the carpark, do it all outside. Only the PM’s security detail can actually physically bar their way. They’ll just get friendly advice from the police, it’s only if they get stroppy in reply that they may be in trouble.’

‘I might try and prime them by text.’

‘Ah, there you are Anthony. Is it me? I’ve the distinct impression I’m watching the retreat from Moscow!’

‘Oh, I see what you mean Prime Minster.’ Buffy was staring out of the window of the veranda bar, morning coffee in hand. It was a slightly mystical winter scene, the spoil from the landscaping gave it the feel of a battlefield. Crossing our vision, half in silhouette, was a handcart piled high with chopped wood - or perhaps it was bodies - pulled by four men distinctly bowed by the exertion. Behind them followed a relaxed loping female figure, casually dangling her chainsaw.

‘My God man, what’s your sergeant major been doing to them?!’

‘Give’m hell Charlie!’

‘You didn’t need to be so rough with Tufnell. I suggested something romantic, didn’t I?’

‘You did indeed. I set him off on the trail of the Lady Vic.’

‘The Herring? I thought she’d joined the art connois-sewers?’

‘She has, opened a gallery on the harbour side. Tuffy is her self-appointed goffer.’

‘Ha! Get him married off, he’s been a millstone round your neck too long.’

‘Er, thank you Prime Minister, how’s Carrie?’

‘Very optimistic about the North. She’s been bounding up and down dale with Fluffy?’

‘Who?’ I said, feigning ignorance.

‘Fluffy the Downing Street dog.’

‘What breed?’

‘Terrier of course.’

‘May one enquire why you’re skulking here and not out there pressing the flesh?’

‘Taking an hour out to give Wooley his exclusive. He’s behaving himself, is he?’

Alas I have but second-hand reports with which to recount Carrie’s visit. At around lunchtime on the first day, I was preceding down the long ground floor corridor at the Park when from behind came that voice, so reminiscent of Aunt Elisabeth; ‘Anthony! Half a tick.’

‘Prudence, how may I be of service?’

‘I’ve been side-lined by Trumpton’s live-in girlfriend and it’s all your doing.’

‘She’s here in her capacity as a professional persuader.’

‘Well, she’d better be good. She spent an hour this morning alone with Rory. He said they were just rehearsing, but she’s got this thing about her, like you and Charlotte, that disarming thing, makes one feel like it’s hopeless to resist, hypnotic or whatever.’

‘Presence, charm, charisma?’

‘Creepy more like.’

‘Oh, come on, you spend half your life coaching Rory, it’s the secret of his success.’

‘Yes, but not like that.’

‘So, you saw some of it.’

‘Well, just a bit. Rory is meant to say; “Just calling around because I thought you might like to meet the PM’s fiancé and their darling new companion Fluffy”. And then, the constituent will apparently make a joke about how Buffy and Fluffy must be a bit of a handful, to which she replies by winking at the same moment as patting her tummy!’

43: Deal or no deal

‘Parcel delivery, sir.’

‘I haven’t ordered anything.’

‘Perhaps someone’s been viewing your wish lists.’

‘I don’t have any.’

‘I’ll open it for you if you like.’

‘No, no, that’s alright.’ I was damned if I was going to give her the satisfaction. I poked and prodded as I got to work with the scissors. It felt suspiciously like clothing. Instead of hovering in mild agitation, there was a definite attempt to suppress the lopsided smirk. ‘What the… I see, don’t tell me, we’re moving to a new stage of the programme.’

‘It’ll take ten years off you.’

‘The track suit bit is for outside I take it.’

‘We need to get you at least capable of running for a bus - without doing yourself an injury.’

Charlie’s programme consisted of making use of the Park golf course whilst it was out of commission to members. ‘Jog a bit, sprint a bit, jog a bit more. Rest.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘Jog for twenty, sprint for ten, jog for twenty, stop. Get it?’

‘And I get to count at my own rate?’

‘Never fails.’

‘Really? Surely people just count faster and head for the early shower.’

She moved in close. ‘Women aren’t attracted to the money; it’s the ambition, the get up and go! Blokes on the make often pull as well as the already accomplished. You just have to be seen to be going places and enjoying it. Anything gravity defying is joyful.’

‘Okay, coach.’

I had hoped our exertions had been more or less private, but as we passed outside the veranda bar, en route to the bathrooms at the back of the spa, we were diverted. There were people waving at us, a few had raised champagne glasses. Someone opened the glass door and gestured. Reluctant to enter in my hot and sweaty state, nonetheless I obliged. I turned to Cat Mackintosh; ‘The atmosphere is positively raucous, I see from that silent tv screen Buffy is making some sort of a statement, has the Brexit withdrawal deal been done then?’

‘Oh never mind that. We’re celebrating our deal. I counted it all up, five hundred and eight days since the Televised Sport Advisory Sub-committee to the Dining Committee was set up, our final report should be in your inbox now.’

‘The protocol for tv at the club? Done? Well blow me. I thought it would take you all at least two years.’ I patted my pockets, searching for my mobile device, securely attached to me somehow, gathering the fitness activity data insisted upon by Charlie. After some ferreting. ‘Only fifteen pages, you’ve shown admirable restraint.’

‘Well, everything became extraordinarily simple once we’d devised, The Cricket Test!’

‘No, don’t tell me, let me digest at leisure, after I’ve had a shower. Carry on, I’m sure you’ve all done very well.’

Before leaving the Park, I ran off a hard copy of the report. I refuse to own a printer on principal these days. I pursued it as I was driven home. ‘Well?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Well what?’

‘This is all bound to involve a lengthy briefing, you may as well make a start.’

‘Er, um, yes. I know! Now then. Us chaps, as you know, take a pretty traditional view of life as a whole. When the club opened there was a general feeling that tv in the lounge or the bar - or indeed in some sort of dedicated tv room was strictly a no, no. A smoking room, no problem. A library for quiet contemplation and the writing of letters, natural enough. But couch potatoes, enduring their Soaps, not for people like us.’

‘I get it. But what to do about live sport? Of course.’

‘Precisely so.’

‘Hardly within the purview of the Dining Committee surely?’

‘You’re remembering your education. Well, geography really. I mean the permanent open access between the lounge, the dining area and the veranda bar, was all the result of lifting off the two sets of connecting double doors. All areas food and drink.’

‘Right.’

‘So, when the issue looked like being contentious, I suggested a one-off sub-committee. And it was agreed that a temporary solution of a flat screen on the wall in the bar with the sound usually off would be allowed, wired for free channels only.’

‘And eighteen months later…’

‘Quite. The problem was everyone chipped in with the different sports they wanted, we didn’t want to have people staying at home for significant parts of the year, so somehow it had to be everything from the Albanian football league, to the Zimbabwean cricket team. Not to mention the gender lobby, whether they were fans or not, if there was a female equivalent somewhere on the globe, we had to be seen to be providing it. So, technical and financial challenges to be overcome.’

‘What’s the cricket test?’

‘Well that’s what I’m in the middle of now, leave me in peace a while and I’ll endeavour an explanation in plain English.’

After fifteen minutes or so of cogitation back at the apartment, and fortified by a glass of iced water with a slice of lemon, I resumed. ‘The premise is; if we can satisfy the demand for a live feed of every single international cricket match - with the sound turned down - and the TMS radio commentary or equivalent, plus a second screen showing a real time scoreboard, then, we will, by default have purchased all the right kit and subscriptions in order to view everything else!’

‘Are they right?’

‘Well they’ve had long enough to think about it!’

‘And how do they propose paying for it?’

‘Well, here it would seem their psychology is right on the button. I may not be a great sports fan, but I can see that charging a premium on alcohol during a sporting event is genius. It satisfies the fundamental need for the club itself. After all, solitary sport is no sport at all, artificially creating a crowd spirit is the whole point - with a premium paid on the drinks, the right crowd self-selects itself.’

‘You mean on cricket days the bar will be packed with cricket fans.’

‘Got it in one.’

‘And on women’s football days?’

‘Not so crowded I grant you.’

‘But what about the disgruntled male members who can be seen hovering at twelve o’clock every day?’

‘Oh, I think you’ll find a sizeable chunk of them keeping half an eye on the game.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, the Americans have an expression which covers the phenomenon rather well, “foxy boxing”.’

‘Are you all right?’

‘Sure.’

‘It’s just that, you’ve been staring into space since ending that call.’

‘Yes, just taking it all in. It was from Carrie, I’m having one of those, “why am I being told all this” moments.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘I’ve been told the proposed election date, it’s a week later than I’d supposed, apparently we, the constituency that is, are ground zero. Given that Rory is Buffy’s majority, Rory must be seen from the start to be on the up and up.’

‘You mean Buffy wants you to big him up, Rory that is?’

‘Quite, but of course from the opposition’s point of view, we are their key marginal. Now I’m clear in my mind on what needs to be done, I know what would work, it’s just the how…’

‘Well just don’t drag me into it.’

‘Understood.’

‘Negotiations over the wood patrol are at a delicate stage.’

‘Of course, Tuffy and his chums will be well out it.’

‘Fortuitous.’

‘I leave the matter entirely in your hands, though of course I shall be available to give consultation should you require it. Only one item of advice. Supervise the stacking like a hawk, air flow is the key to the whole enterprise.’

‘Very good, sir.’