107: Golf widower

‘I have no interest in this matter, what, so, ever.’

‘I’m not demanding action; I just want advice!’ So said Charlie.

‘The power is all with you, Buffy is just heading up the sub-committee, you’re at liberty to throw out any recommendations. But still, better to kill anything you don’t like before it gets written down, as a rule, usually.’

‘Usually?’

‘Well, from time to time you might want evidence of someone’s idiocy.’

‘Oh, right.’

‘So, let me see if I’ve got this right, you fear Buffy has given a nod and a wink to the people he’s approached, when in fact the actual list needs the approval of the full committee - that was in the terms of reference the sub-committee were given, I take it?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, who are these people he’s claiming to have recruited? Not that their names will mean anything to me, but their status?’

‘Two talent show winners, an ex-daytime tv presenter, a fiction blogger, oh, and a regional weatherman.’

‘All sounds pretty C-list to me. What of the pros?’

‘Well, we’re a bit better-off there; resident pros from Wentworth and Sandwich, plus a former champion and Ryder Cup Captain, with his wife!’

‘You say that, like I should understand?’

‘She, is a former actress and a useful player herself, but has a lot of experience at organising charity events.’

‘Well that all sounds not so bad.’

‘We’ve heard on the grapevine, he’s in cahoots with an ex-MEP, in the hope of persuading a certain golfing ex-President.’

‘Not a chance! He doesn’t have the clout, believe me. He’s just shooting his mouth off, flying a kite.’

‘Maybe not. I thought they were supposed to be mates.’

‘People have accused him of being a mate, mainly because he was the only world leader who could maintain a coherent conversation with the man. Say what you will about Buffy, he has a remarkable ability to connect. Now listen-up, he wants us to blow a gasket, threaten allsorts, he wants to flush us out onto open ground, see how far he can push us. Stay cool. Restrict any sort of comment to “the members would never wear it”, or “the membership committee would take a very dim view, kind of thing that gets a chap black-balled.” You know the sort of thing.’

Despite being underwhelmed, and considering myself well-off out of it, nonetheless simply by hanging around the club, and at home, meant I couldn’t stop hearing more about the imminent tournament. One day when Charlie wandered into the media room looking care worn, I assumed more minor golfing irritations were on their way. It turned out I was quite wrong.

‘There’s something I have to confess.’

‘Good lord!’

‘I’ve made a right balls-up of things.’

‘More golf woes?’

‘Well not directly. The thing is, I got bit above myself. I attempted a scheme, it blew-up in my face.’

‘A scheme? As in my kind of schemes, the ones you’re always disapproving of?’

‘I know, I can’t have been in my right mind.’

‘Well speaking as a schemer, more likely inexperience, rather than a bad scheme!’

‘That’s just it, my quarry said something unexpected.’

‘How much are you down?’

‘What? Oh no, it didn’t get that far. You know I’ve been getting to know Ada, helping her keep fit and that.’

‘Ah!’ I couldn’t help smiling.

‘You know, she’s told you?’

‘No, not a word. It’s just, I’ve an idea I know where this is going.’

‘Yes, you would, like her, you see me coming, thinking three steps ahead.’

‘It’s just the same kind of anticipation that anyone with a particular skillset acquires.’

‘Well, anyway. Ada is worried, she wants to stay at her bungalow forever and stay as a member of the club till her dying day, but she’s concerned she won’t have the cash and is thinking of selling stuff. I sort of, well started talking about her shares in the Park company, how they must be worth a lot more than she paid for them and that if she ever wanted to sell, I’d be more than willing to... Don’t smirk!’

‘And?’

‘Buy them off her.’

‘And her reply?’

‘She said, yes she thought I would be an appropriate recipient, but of course we would need to negotiate over price, she just had one condition, she wouldn’t go behind your back, I’d have to get your approval.’

‘And you didn’t see that coming? Ada knows which side her bread is buttered, clearly you don’t!  All these years, I’ve been treating you as an opponent worthy of my steel...’

‘Alright, alright, stop pissing about. Where did I go wrong?’

‘Well, specifically in the case of Ada, you may well know her very well, but what of her situation and her relationship to me as a major shareholder in the Park? She values her home more than her shares, okay?’

‘Oh, right.’

‘And they are really two separate issues.’

‘What will you do?’

‘Talk to her about the security of leases, protocols around management fees. And I’ll do that by visiting her at home, have you been to her home?’

‘No.’

‘Another mistake. I’ll ask her what the insurance are stinging her for? She’s got a unique porcelain collection; some individual pieces would keep her in hearth and home for several years.’

‘And the shares?’

‘She should be in the position to do with them whatever she judges to be right.’

I had hoped to absent myself from the Park during the golf, which it turned out was to be a three-day event, but I interpreted a friendly warning phone call from Carrie, as a call to arms. It seemed Buffy, who as far as I was aware didn’t know one end of a golf club from another, had entered himself in the tournament and been drawn against Ada Armitage in the first round on the first day. As we were parking, I noticed Cat emerging rather rapidly from the bushes, when he saw us, he changed pace and direction, and sauntered over. ‘Skulking?’ I suggested.

‘Just a little bit of business, on the side.’

‘What odds are you offering on Ada?’

‘None old man. Far too late. Drawing Buffy is considered something of a free pass to round two.’

‘I’m here against my better judgement you know.’ I asserted.

‘Well, me too darling!’

‘So, what’s the story?’

‘It’s the final straw, that’s the story. I’m going to give him notice to quit once this latest embarrassment is over.’

‘Will there be a row?’

‘Bound to be, he'll resent being told to walk.’

I left a pregnant pause, then said in my best conspiratorial voice; ‘What would happen if he, was to leave you?’

‘I'd be all meek and mild, he'd be on his way within minutes. You’ve had one of your ideas!’

‘Well, after you rang, I contacted Don Wooley and told him to get on the night-sleeper pronto, I’ve sent my assistant to find him. The idea is that he and Charlie should shadow Buffy around the course taking pictures. He’s up against Mrs Armitage, now she is cool headed, knows her limits, will keep her head down and not be distracted. She’ll play it safe and come in close to whatever is par for her. I’m assuming at some point Buffy will get frustrated and start messing around. Two or three shots over par at one hole will give Ada the match. However, a still photo of turf flying and a ball failing to take-off will often show a facial expression of anger or madness, right?’

‘Absolutely. But how does that help me?’

‘Suppose I could persuade Don to hold off publishing the pictures until he has a proper tabloid story to go with them? A kiss and tell perhaps. “Inside Buffy’s Downing Street” or something?’

‘He’d think it the ultimate betrayal. But it could backfire awfully! I don’t want to be chucked out of the club, and I want the pub to remain a success.’

‘That’s why, whatever you’ve got to tell, you tell to another club member. Don values his membership as much as anyone, and he’s already a keeper of Buffy’s secrets. You have to trust him to judge how much of what you say finds its way into the paper and how it’s spun.’