101: Pro-celebrity spa

‘A text from Mr Mackintosh, sir.’

‘And what does he want?’

‘We’re invited to take morning coffee, this morning, at our old apartment.’

‘Good lord.’

‘He says, he’s had another idea for an annual event.’

‘Well, the second annual Awayday was a roaring success, though I must admit I was sceptical at the time, a guided tour of the old convict colony on the Moor seemed an odd choice, until one realised that one total institution is much like another. The chaps can be awfully sentimental about the old school. So perhaps he deserves a hearing, reply that we’ll be happy to attend.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘Marietta! Long time no see.’

‘How are you sir?’

‘Oh, mustn’t grumble, and your good self?’

‘Jim keeps me young.’

‘Really! Well, that’s good then.’

‘Isn’t it strange about Mr Brinkley?’

‘Well, he always seems a bit strange to me.’

‘I mean having to talk to him all that way away in Spain, and he’s forever emailing documents.’

‘Sign of the times I’m afraid. And Alistair, he’s behaving himself I trust?’

‘Oh yes. But between you and me, he doesn’t quite have your style.’

‘What ho, Charlie, Tony. Come along in.’

‘Morning Cat.’ I’d not been to the apartment in sometime, what was striking was how much of it still remained unchanged from the days of our occupancy. What we’d left behind was still there, and what we’d taken away seemed to have been replaced with remarkably similar items, apart from the cameras and the high tech of course.

Suddenly the door to the treatment room, formerly known as my spare bedroom, er no, I mean Cat’s spare bedroom, was flung open and out breezed the lady from number forty-two. ‘Good morning! Coffee everyone?’

‘Er, thank you.’ I responded.

‘Charlotte?’

‘Yes, please.’

‘Thank you, my darling! Isn’t she a wonder?’ Said Cat, as the swing door to the kitchen closed behind her.’

‘Yes. A woman who makes coffee. Truly a wonder.’

‘Tony! You’re just an old cynic. Isn’t he, Charlie?’

‘Indeed, sir.’

‘We’ve just been chatting with the Dragon Concierge, how are things going on that front?’

‘Oh, ask Annabella, she deals with all that side of things.’

‘Cat, why are we here?’

‘I had a notion. An annual knockout golf tournament.’

‘Ah! Correct me if I’m wrong, but such a proposal has been discussed on a number of previous occasions. As I remember, the general consensus has been that since it’s a small club where everyone plays everyone else several times a year, leading to everyone knowing where everyone else stands in the rankings, such a tournament is somewhat superfluous.’

‘Yes, but things have changed since the new improved spa.’

‘Really?’

‘There’s been an influx of new playing members.’

‘Mainly women.’ Added Charlie.

‘Go on.’

‘And somewhat fitter than your average male.’ She continued. ‘Even Ada Armitage is forever asking me to loosen her up so she can improve her swing.’

‘Good god!’

‘We want a genuinely open, mixed tournament.’ She asserted.

‘Have you told him yet?’ Cat said.

‘Told me what?’

‘Well, er, the thing is...’ She hesitated.

‘I’ll tell him! Charlie has been dragged, kicking and screaming, by popular acclaim, into becoming chairperson of the new Sports and Spa Committee.’

‘Excellent! So, what do you need me for?’

‘My idea, to help market the whole thing, is that part of the tournament should be pro-celebrity.’

‘But we don’t have any professionals and we certainly don’t have any celebrities, unless you count Buffy or Charlie here, neither of whom play!’

‘Yes, but Buffy has met everyone. And like many politicians he’s a bit star-struck. We were rather hoping you could see your way to persuading him to head up the organising sub-committee and thereby draw in celebs for the climax of the whole show.’

‘Sure, no problem.’

‘What, just like that, no quid pro quo?’ Charlie interceded again.

‘No. Except, perhaps the proceeds of such an event should go to our favourite charity. And, you must get Fiona working with Buffy, tv rights and all that kind of thing.’

Then the coffee arrived.

After twenty minutes or so of polite coffee conversation and having turned down the offer of a refill - I was after all under the beady eye of Sparkwell - I said; ‘Well, we mustn’t out stay our welcome...’

‘Alistair, darling, you must tell Anthony your news, you can’t let it slide any longer.’

There then occurred one of those emotional moments, where because the initiator adopts the stiff upper lip, you find yourself doing the same; ‘Bad news I’m afraid old man,’ he said, standing up and offering an out-stretched hand; ‘I fear I must resign, as your aide-de-camp.’

‘Oh no, surely not,’ I replied, getting to my feet and accepting his hand; ‘It’s been nigh on forty years, man and boy. What’s happened?’

‘My folks are no longer at the castle. Luckily, they’re together in a care home, but father they say, has only a matter of weeks.’

‘When you see your father next, please convey my thanks in whatever way you can, happy carefree days and all that.’

‘Of course, but you and Charlie must visit, there’ll be the investiture first, then the wedding.’

‘Investiture?’

‘Yes, one doesn’t automatically take on title, the monarch must grant it anew.’

‘Good lord.’

‘Technically, I think on father’s death, the castle reverts, so the ceremony is all about the throne of Scotland walking out of it, and me walking in! We’ll see to it that you both get invites.’

‘All in the heart of England!’

‘Absolutely. Well, we did rather take you over, alas our original ancestral land consists of half a glen, only ever seen by the most intrepid of Munro baggers, I’ve never even been there!’

‘What’s it called?’ Asked Charlie.

‘It’s only ever been known in Gaelic, no one can agree about it’s pronunciation, spelling or meaning, father still gets letters about it.’

‘He’ll be back, sooner than one might suppose.’ I said as we worked our way out of the building.

‘What makes you say that?’

‘Difficult to break the habits of a lifetime, besides the castle has been running itself for years as Cat’s folks have got older.’

‘What I don’t understand is why you accepted the job of getting Buffy onside without demanding your usual pound of flesh.’

‘Simple. It’s because it’s really no kind of job at all. I simply make one short call to Carrie and pass the task on, but take all the credit naturally.’

‘But why would Buffy accept, without you to twist his arm?’

‘Well, it will be coming from Carrie for a start, she I imagine will appeal to his vanity in the first instance, then point out he’ll be in everyone’s good books at the club, but most of all, he’s a politician, he loves to connect...’

By now we were approaching the car, Jim could be seen standing stock still and staring at it, seemingly lost in thought.

‘Oh, my god. That thousand-yard stare again.’ Said Charlie.

‘Jim! Standing in admiration I take it?’

‘It’s not the same one.’

‘No. We have two now, this is the latest edition, more or less.’

‘Four-wheel drive when required, sir?’

‘Yes, as a matter of fact I had my chauffeur here, practice a little discrete off-roading up on the Moor just the other day.’

‘Someone’s been moving the rocks, sir.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘In the garden, sir.’

‘Oh, I see. Any damage, soil collapsed onto the pavement, that sort of thing?’

‘No, but it looks different.’

‘I see, well if it’s all within the garden, then it’s for the residents to sort out, you can stand at ease.’

‘Thank you, sir.’

35: Going live

‘Do you remember my brother?’ Asked Hans.

‘I never met him. All I remember was in our final year you telling us he had got a place at MIT to do engineering. Ah, a red light has just started flashing in my brain.’

‘That’s right. And he stayed there. And over the years he didn’t switch to computer science like everybody else, he went into accountancy.’

‘Oh, god.’

‘Oh, yes. And now he is financial advisor to half of the Boston tech community! Imagine my surprise when he told me that you were the money behind one of these MIT start-up, spin-offs.’

‘Not all of it, I assure you!’

‘Something that is supposed to be all about driverless technology but isn’t, more monitoring driver behaviour. Then he says to me you know how these brain scientists and psychologists still once in way do animal experiments, in controlled environments? Well, not much longer he says, soon humans will volunteer to become their own lab rats, in their own mobile labs!’

‘So presumably, that’s when you allowed your brother to upgrade you from the nineteenth to the twenty-first century?’

‘That and the fact that the EU began thinking there must be something wrong about sheep being allowed to roam freely on a mountain in a national park. So, anyway you stay awhile, have a day on the mountain, help-out with the sheep? I could take you down to the railway the day after tomorrow?’

Wandering the hills was something we’d never done together before, much talk of adjusting to sounds, apparent silence that slowly becomes filled with a whole new palette, quite distinctive from the patchwork peninsula countryside we were most familiar with. We soon realised we were following the paths made by the sheep. I’ll brush over the athletic sex with attitude at altitude - which I know is the last thing you want spelt-out. It was obvious when to return, we just followed the sheep.

‘Stay back, there’s still a few to come.’ We’d been approaching the sheep pens and watching Hans filling the feed troughs. There must have been a hundred and fifty or so, and the noise! ‘Tony, you’ve done this before, when I point one out, grab it high on one of the back legs, then flip it and I’ll take a look.’ After I’d helped for a while, Charlie was invited to join in. Inevitably at one point she fell over backwards, Hans roared with a laugh that seemed to echo around the valley now that most of the sheep were quietly consuming. I went over to help her get her arse out of the mud, bending down I said; ‘Ever wondered what schadenfreude means? You’re looking at it!’

Going back down the mountain was the scariest part of the whole trip. We sat on the bench seat of Hans’ farm truck, with Charlie in the middle. Knowing the track so well Hans had just his left hand on the wheel and having to stay in a low gear, spent the whole-time gesturing with his right, keeping up a constant dialogue with himself about EU agriculture policy and the behaviour of his neighbours. To us strangers it felt like a bare-knuckle ride! It wasn’t that much better once we were on the main road, here was a man who clearly expected to have all roads to himself! In the end, as with so many greetings and farewells these days, the effusive praises seemed to be being directed at Charlie.

One night and almost two half days later, we took a taxi home from the railway station. It dropped us at the communal entrance by the side of the complex. ‘You never have explained, is the whole place actually owned by the trust?’

‘The freehold yes, plus the lease on our apartment.’

‘Which explains why you have part of the original with the best views and the biggest rooms.’

‘You’ve been getting to know the neighbours. Sort of, all before my time, father’s big project really.’

‘How come?’

‘Well the original Georgian terrace suffered bomb damage at both ends during the war. Now, it had been rundown before, in the nineteen thirties, so things were just patched up a bit, but basically left. Father, had the grand idea of saving the façade and redeveloping the rest out the back. He started by buying up a few of the leases, then just waited. Eventually the whole place came up for auction, some interest, not a lot, he reckoned he got a bargain because of the location and size of the site. Then he set about looking for a developer...’ I was interrupted in mid-flow.

‘Excuse me, sir!’

‘Jim! You look quite, flushed.’

‘I wanted to catch you before you realised what happened. And explain like.’

‘What has happened?’

‘Well we weren’t expecting it, there’s no storage anywhere else at the moment, so we had no choice but to enter your premises and just dump it, there’s an awful lot of it.’

‘Oh, I see. It doesn’t take up that much space does it?’

‘Well, it didn’t weight that much, but you get that with electronic stuff don’t you, more packaging than the actual thing. Let me help you with that bag, sir.’

Jim proceeded to lead the way. ‘What’s he talking about?’ Said Charlie.

‘Shtoom.’ I whispered.

‘What?!’ Exclaimed Charlie on entering.

‘Thank you Jim, there’ll be something in your Christmas stocking.’ I was just about able to close the apartment door.

‘That was a bit offhand, it’s barely summer!’

‘He understands. Still, a little more bulky than expected.’

‘But what is it all?’

‘Our media suite.’

‘What, like do-it-yourself tv studio?’

‘More or less, don’t worry it’ll be very discreet, you won’t notice it most of the time.’

‘Here? In case you hadn’t noticed it’s already an office, a library, lounge and the only space big enough for any kind of indoor exercise.’

‘Well all this packaging breaks down to a couple of the latest remote tv cameras, tripods, monitors, minimum cable, some extra lighting if it should be required. The stage is done, the classy, sophisticated set - complete!’

‘But why, who are you going to be broadcasting to?’

‘Well just the people I already Web chat to really, I just need to train myself up for now, and stay ahead of the opposition with the tech.’

‘So, what, ponce about, whilst expounding on your latest ideas?’

‘Well, walk and talk might be a bit ambitious at first. Just sit casually at the desk. Work out the ideal set-up, say, quite a lot in-shot of the old antique desk, with my latest devices discretely lying around. Learn to calm my face and gestures when it’s more or less a close-up, but all with tv quality and the accomplished background.’

‘This is going to take days to clear.’

‘We can work on it together. You may wish to use it yourself; I can just see you as an online instructor in more or less alternative anything. We know the camera likes you.’

‘I’d be lost for words, I’m not like you, in love with the sound of your own voice.’

‘I’ll ignore that. But think, you have the presence, the stillness, perfect for camera work, besides, you can work to a script, we just place one of the monitors just to one side of the camera, they can be fed autocue easily enough.’

‘Blimey, you have got it all worked out.’

‘Don’t I always.’

‘I’ll make some tea - if I can find the bleedin’ kitchen?!’

9: Sparkwell and the handshake interupt

The doorbell of the flat must have started ringing whilst we were in the shower. Then the sound of knocking could be heard as I fixed Charlie’s squirrel. ‘Shouldn’t we do something about that?’ she asked.

‘No. I’m pretty sure Madam Concierge, ably assisted by Jim, will be escorting whoever from the building at any moment.’

Playing back the security video gave us both a good laugh. The wide-angle lens acts so well in caricaturing an individual I always think. First the ungainly walk, then the leering face led by the nose, the pacing up and down; finally Tuffy’s exultations that I was his oldest friend, that he knew I was in there, that it was an urgent life and death situation - all as he was expertly guided out of shot.

We barely had time to compose ourselves before the intercom went. ‘Calm yourself Tuffy!’ I said as I released the button.

Charlie held the door open in expectation; ‘Calm myself! How can I be expected to calm myself? First this terrible news, then being frog marched from the building. Where were you, what were you doing?’

I noticed that as he said these words he seemed to be addressing them to Charlie. Her response was to guide him to one of the straight backed chairs that always seem to be about these days. She stood behind him, gently massaging his shoulders as he expounded on the inevitable; ‘It’s over, she’s left me…’

‘Now, legs a little further apart, elbows towards the knees, now cover your eyes in the natural resting position. Ideally you should be squatting but that will do for now. Notice the breath, watch it, don’t try to control it. Breathing gently through the nose. No, mouth closed always. Now is all there is, and can ever be. The best thing about the past is that it is gone. You are safe now. Be in the moment...’

I won’t bore you with the rest, but it did remind me a little of hypnotherapy sessions I’d attended in the past, although they tended to be very wordy and of course lacked the benefit of the Sparkwell touch. After a while she bought Tuffy back to the sun on the windows, the summer sounds etc.

‘Tony old lad, do you remember Matron?’

‘Yes, Tuffy.’

‘How we used to try to find an excuse to see her, so as to listen to TMS on her radio on Test Match days.’

‘Only too well.’

‘Recently I find myself thinking more and more of those days.’

‘It’s because we’re both fast approaching fifty. Bit late for chasing after waitresses.’

Suddenly, a muffled cough; ‘Drink this if you would Mr Tufnell, you will need to re-hydrate.’

Later, after Tuffy had decided he couldn’t hang around listening to my inane chatter any longer, Charlie confided; ‘I’m a bit worried about that Jim, seeing him on screen reminded me, does he spend all his days riding the lift? I mean I know he’ll play the doormen as well as his cleaning and handyman duties…’

‘I’m sure the Dragon has him under control.’

‘And just what is their relationship?’

‘Well I’m not sure of the details, but he seems to spend nights in her rooms quite a bit. No weirder than us I guess.’

‘There was a strange incident with the lift.’

‘Go on.’

‘I was waiting with the laundry, the doors opened and he was just stood there inside, with a sort of thousand yard stare or whatever it is called, immobile. Then the doors started to close and it wasn’t till my foot triggered the doors to open again that he seemed to come back from wherever he was.’

‘Rather the opposite of Tuffy then.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well he was in a highly agitated state of consciousness, you put him into another state or trance using focus over a number of minutes, whilst Jim was in a ‘some other place’ kind of trance, but in an instant a minor shock provided the pattern break that switched him back to the present moment.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘We all go in and out of different trances or states of consciousness all the time, maybe ten times a day, what is therapeutic is your ability to do inductions and transformations.’

‘Do I? Is that what it is?’

‘Hypnosis is not what it is cracked up to be, because it is actually dead normal, that is, rapidly inducing states of deep relaxation. If you are in a so called trance, usually confused as being something special rather than just another state of consciousness, you are simply more open to others, less preoccupied with self, more open to the present and new learning...’ I stopped, now I’d shocked her, spoken aloud what she was, what she did. She went back to her mat, squatted there awhile, the palms of her hands over her eyes.

When she came back; ‘You said we were really working on the same project, I get that now, but how come you can say it, understand it, I can’t.’

‘You don’t have to, you can do it. It’s because I am a nerd, who read history and did computer science on the side, then read up on other scientific stuff.’

‘On our own we’re just us now. We should be leaving for the club soon.’

‘I say you haven’t seen Tuffy around? He’s meant to be delivering the headsets and jackets today, not to mention the master control box thingy.’

‘I doubt he’ll emerge for at least a week, probably in bed pining for his lost love.’

‘That’s all off again is it? Still he’s usually pretty fast when it comes to recovery. There is only one kind of madness and that’s the divine madness.’

‘That’s very good Cat. I didn’t realise you could do profundity.’

‘I’ll show you what else I can do - chits! Take a look at these. This, being supporting evidence for that, note to the committee.’

I laid the two pieces of paper side by side on the bar. ‘Oh I like this, I like this a lot.’ The memo stated that the flight simulator was on loan from the ‘Science Museum, Munich’. Whilst what purported to be an invoice in euros for transportation had on its masthead, ‘Deutsches Museum von Meisterwerken der Naturwissenschaft und Technic’.

‘Clever dodge eh?’

‘Absolutely. Now let me think this through…’

‘The name you’re really looking for old boy is, Hochschule fur angewandte Wissenschaften Munchen.'

'On the tip of my tongue. This is aeronautics, therefore this must be the work of Barmy Gruber. Some summer school research project gone horribly wrong, which fell off the back of a lorry whilst en route to its final resting place at the museum - no don't tell me, I don't wanna know.'

4: Charlie on camera

‘Charlotte!’

‘Sir?’

‘Blimey, that was quick.’ The reply had been loud and clear over my shoulder as I sat watching my screen.

‘You didn’t feel me coming?’

‘You must be so embedded in my brain, my unconscious doesn’t think it needs to pay attention.’

‘I’m getting to be a habit with you.’

‘I say that’s rather good. Now then, I’m afraid I have some bad news. I must ask you to brace yourself and take it on the chin.’

‘Don’t I always?’

‘The thing is, that parking space you’ve been angling for, it isn’t going to happen, at least not for years.’

‘Okay.’

‘Now, I know parking fees must make a significant hole in your limited “disposable income” as they say, so what I propose is that you sell your motor, pocket the cash, and I give you unlimited use of my car, when I don’t need it.’

‘What’s the catch? Don’t get me wrong, I really get off on all this, being able to tell everyone I have this salary, bring people here and see them wet themselves. Put on my suit and just walk in anywhere. But you’re the one making me treat every encounter as some sort of trade.’

‘The catch, is you have to take responsibility for the car; see it neatly parked, pass the time of day with the other residents doing the same, see the tank is always nearly full, pay with the right card, always go to the same filling station and to the right garage, because although you’d never know it, Jack runs both of them, keep on the right side of Jack’s chief mechanic etc. etc.’

‘And I suppose somewhere in the “deductibles” on this payslip that arrived this morning is my share of the insurance.’

‘It’s a fifty grand, two seater speed machine - a classic by the time it left the factory, which just happens to be worth more and more with every passing year.’

‘I got a funny look from Madam Concierge when I was fetching it round to the front the other day.’

‘Well, I guess she remembers that it is but weeks since you were humping your portable massage table back and forth, dressed as if for the gym. Fear not, I have some pull with her, I can impose sanctions if she gets above herself.’

‘How?’

‘Excellent, now you’re asking the right questions! But that’s for another day, we haven’t finished with the car yet. Take a look at what I’m pulling up now.’

‘You, bastard! That’s live. And that’s in the treatment room. I suppose there’s one in the fucking shower!’

‘The only cameras in the flat are the webcam on this commuter, the ones in my mobile, see, your work mobile, which is where you left it, your personal mobile which appears to be on, but it just says it is, there, I can’t connect to it, and the two in the dash of the car. Oh, and that would be the one in the TV, but there’s black tape over it because it’s pointless anyway.’

‘So if I take a hand off the wheel to pick my nose, you know about.’

‘First off, this is the same kit used for a video call, okay? But since I own all the devices and they’re on my network, they’re connected; it just looks like some clever trick when you connect to them all in the same moment.’

‘Where does that leave me?’

‘Less than a week behind I would guess, before you’ve learnt to do all I can do - from any of the devices! There’s always a way to be notified if something is switched on, remotely or not. If there’s a good reason not to take the call, don’t take the call.’

Charlie retreated to her mat. ‘It does my head in, computers; the thought of reading any of these books does my head in.’

‘It’s all demonstration, imitation, trial and error, practice, practice, practice, more observation, more practice. Online it’s no different from acquiring the skills, the order and discipline, of your great project.’

‘What project?’

‘Finding a naturopathic explanation for everything. I believe in it too. A lot of those books are about human evolution, I can’t play around online unless I can see the evolution in social media, we are a social species, isolated we get ill and die. Our ancient ancestor’s grooming behaviour, is the key to what happens on your massage table!’

That night I awoke in the dark. ‘I can’t sleep’ she said. ‘Not natural to sleep alone. But I never seem to be able to sleep if someone else is there either. I know how it should be done, it’s just blokes never seem to get it.’

‘Try me.’

‘Spoons position is best.’

‘Yes, I get that it ought to be.’

We rearranged the pillows. ‘Before you ask I’ve never used contraception in my life, I don’t want anything unnatural up there and I hate pills… Oh, God, your dick just got harder!’

‘Yes, now that is truly weird.’

‘Anyway, I’ve been rogered during all phases of the moon and I’ve never gotten pregnant, so, you know.’

‘Noted.’

‘Beds are for sleeping not sex, night time is for sleeping not sex. The idea is, to watch the breath until our breathing is synchronised. Breathing naturally from the diaphragm. Then become aware of the heartbeat, how it also varies all the time, but it too will synchronise. Be in the moment. Images appear but do not let yourself make a story or a moving picture. Choose a still image, one single moment. Now explore the single image…’

I wasn’t aware of anything else said or done, until dawn’s early light found me following her out of bed and into the shower.

It so happened that later that morning the doorbell of the flat rang, poor Charlotte positively jumped not having heard it before. ‘Do I answer it?’

‘Look at my screen, see, like magic, two angles for immediate positive identification.’

‘It’s the Dragon Concierge.’

‘..and off course its only when it’s not her or her co-conspirator Jim the Janitor that you need to take a second look. By the way, just for the record,’ I added, reaching for the door, ‘they are the only cameras that automatically record!’

‘Might I have a quick word?’

‘Of course come along in, let me introduce you to Miss Charlotte Sparkwell my new personal assistant and occasional domestic help. You’ve no doubt discreetly noted her occasional comings and goings in your role as Building Manager?’

‘Indeed, pleasure to meet you Charlotte.’

‘Likewise.’

‘Since you’re here, I should take the opportunity to inform you that for the sake of the old health and safety rules, fire regulations etc. Charlotte is now officially the ‘co-occupier’ of the flat, I’ve surrendered the second bedroom and allowed her to make my home her place of residence, she’s not here much of the time, but, it makes sense financially, don’t you know!’

‘I’ll amend the records.’

‘Now then, you wanted a word?’

Another pause from the early days of this tale of intrigue. ‘Oh yes, this is the paperwork from the last resident’s meeting. Also, No.12 was asking again about being able to rent out their parking space?’

‘Can’t be done, legally speaking, I’ve had it checked. Situation normal I’m afraid.’

‘It’s never empty anyway, as you know.’

‘The daily scramble, a bit like a bun fight breaking out at High Tea I always think.’

‘You’d know more about that than I would, anyway I’ll leave you to your, activities.’

I gently closed the door. Charlie had an interesting take. ‘That’s one of your techniques isn't it? To stay ahead of the game, you do it to them before they do it to you.’

‘Well.’

‘And may one ask, sir, why she seemed to be deferring to you? I’m thinking; does he own the bloody building too? But no, it wouldn’t be as simple as that, it would be a company owned by another company, without your name appearing anywhere until it all came back to Brinkley the accountant, acting for the family trust, just happening to buy shares years ago that never get sold.’

‘Tis the way of things. So, have you worked out my passwords yet?’

‘No. Why would I want to?

‘Because, entitled or not, as soon as you do, you’ll be able to make a start on taking half my kingdom.’