56: Domestic bliss

‘And this, is the Media Room.’

‘Command and control, eh!’

‘Assuredly, and especially if Buffy banishes me from the Park during the Summit.’

‘Two desks, so you can both enjoy the view?

‘Indeed.’

‘Bit hard on Charlie though, she appears to have only a laptop and a tablet whilst you’ve got, well, everything.’

‘Just a matter time, when she needs more, more will be provided.’

‘What’s the empty space by the back wall for?’

‘That will be the late Aunt’s chaise longue, once it returns from being re-upholstered and having it’s horse hair rearranged - or whatever it is they do to it.’

‘Might I have a word, gentlemen?’

‘See, she can still appear from out of nowhere.’

‘May one enquire, what happens tomorrow morning, when the Dragon Concierge discovers Northcott Electrics parked in your parking space, sir?’

‘Shit! What time is it?’

‘Almost 9,00pm, sir.’

‘Er. Right. Okay. Only an old-fashioned person to person phone call will do this. Now, you two, turn and face the wallpaper, it’ll be a distraction. Thankfully you’ll only hear one side of this. It’s ringing. Marietta! Good evening... My Apologies. This is just by way of a quick courtesy call to say that Sparkwell will be arriving shortly with an overnight guest. ..Yes, he is actually rather a good prospect as a future tenant, do you know Northcott Electrics? ..He is in fact the owner, unfortunately his car is in dock, he’s having to use one of the firm’s vans, Charlotte will escort him to my parking space and give him a quick tour of the flat, before returning here. ..Well yes, which is why I thought it only prudent to have a word. ..Just the one night, unless of course he’s really taken with the place and signs on the dotted, then you’ll be stuck with him. My pleasure, as always, bye for now.’ Suddenly the room seemed very quiet. ‘Well, don’t just stand there, go to it!’

‘Satisfied?’

‘Blissful. Are you satisfied, I can’t think of anything we’ve left untested, and the video works a treat, yes?’

‘I know, you can even see the curtains move in the breeze. Shame my online support is about to come to an end.’ Then her work phone rang. ‘Okay I’ll pass that on.’ And after a pregnant pause; ‘Oh, okay. That was my handler, he said we’re on, we get a month of the normal club, from the middle of April. But, strictly members and staff only. No guests, no events and we’ll have to be content with the discretely armed strangers coming and going. He suggested you only actually announce it from within the portal along with the official, at least one jab plus fifteen minute test rules.’

‘And the other thing?’

‘Nothing really, just he’s heard a whisper that enquires have been made by Germany as to whether spa treatments will be available during the four days.’

‘Bugger! Baden-Baden, I never thought, I doubt Buffy did either.’

‘What?’

‘That’s the one thing they, can look down their noises at us, with, as it were, so to speak. Of course, all they’ve been seeing so far is crawfordspa.com and thinking, “oh, yes!” Get me Bernard, now!’

‘Hang-on, there, it’s ringing.’

‘Bernard, crises, drop everything, all hands to the pump, oh lord, find out who owns all the land adjacent to the Park, as of today, especially to the north, say, all the way to Grimpen Cross, and if anything is currently for sale, I want expressions of interest - everything. Now, don’t ask what it’s about, I hope I’m wrong. Just, carry on enjoying your morning coffee and your daily Kit-Kat.’

‘I’ve never seen you in a panic before!’

A couple of days later, having dropped Charlie at the Park, I drove on for a face to face with Merriweather. ‘What, no Sparkwell in tow?’

‘No, she’s doing her daily training and prep at the Park. What, no Brinkley?’

‘Best between ourselves on this one.’

‘You have the self-satisfied look of someone who knows they know more than the other person and is pondering as how best to exploit their advantage.’

‘Nonsense, I think you’ll find what I have to report rather amusing, sit thee down.’

‘Well?’

‘It’s not the Swiss, it’s your own side making enquiries.’

‘Umm.’

‘Firstly, changes to the Trust are done, give me your signature today and we’re squeaky clean and state of the art. Ms Sparkwell’s enhanced role on the charitable side is enshrined, and three out of the five suggested Trustees are already on board. Lawrence flies to Spain this week, confident that he’s on top of the post-Brexit pandemic regulations, we can come and go as we please. So, that’s all fine and dandy, no need for panic or paranoia on anyone’s part. I understand you’re thinking of keeping Mackintosh close at hand?’

‘Don’t push it.’

‘So, my enquires? Well now, officially none of the perimeter properties has changed hands since I last checked. Now, I took it upon myself to speak with the estate agent who gets the most work out that way, nothing up for sale, no informal approaches. However.’

‘Yes.’

‘You know how all property details have been put on pdfs for years now. Well, around these parts, someone has been quite thorough about indexing when archiving - and what with the industry being so incestuous...’

‘The term is digital curation; they’ve realised they’ve got an emergent search engine.’

‘Really, fascinating. And therefore...’

‘A mountain of metadata too.’

‘He went away and got an answer remarkably quickly. Firstly, within twenty-four hours of your old school chum’s arrival in Downing St. the whole of the Park area was searched from a device in the Cabinet Office!’

‘That was expected.’

‘Was it. The other sign of activity was about ten days ago, from a device in the, so apply named, Department for, Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.’

‘Official or politician?’

‘Couldn’t say.’

‘The minister is one of Buffy’s happy few.’

‘Is he. Well, that’s all what you’d expect isn’t it? A flurry of interest with your conference coming up.’

‘Yes, but that’s all organised in the Cabinet Office.’

‘Perhaps they feel frozen out? Anyway, let’s move to the conference room for the signing.’

As we came through the door there was a delivery package set in the dead centre of the large oval table. ‘Oh look, you’ve bought yourself an Owl, how forward thinking of you.’

‘Yes, trouble is, I can’t find anyone in the building willing to volunteer to set it up.’

‘Worry not, I’ll give you Fin Heptonstall’s email.’

‘Who, he?’

‘You’ve met him.’

‘Have I?’

‘He was here for about a week setting up your security system!’

‘Ah, yes, the chap Lawrence took a fancy to. Anyway, take a look at how we’ve mangled Sparkwell’s wish list, that’s the only possible point of contention.’

‘Mission statement.’

‘Whatever. Now, I’m going to be signing-up too; so, we’ll need two of the right sort of witnesses, one had better be Stollard himself, and let’s see if young Benson is in the building...’

‘Well Tony, are we all systems go?’

‘Charlie won’t like it.’

‘Yes, but with the utmost respect, she doesn’t have to. You’re the one who has to positively like it, or you should kill it now whilst you have the chance. These are the biggest changes anyone’s ever made.’

‘I love it.’

‘Thought you might. Gentlemen...’

As Bernard was showing me the door, I asked; ‘Any thoughts on how we spin this to Charlotte?’

‘Lawrence made one of his rare public witticisms when we were brainstorming it all; “This is big C conservation, not Green pipe-less dreams”.’

Back in the fresh air I reached for my mobile and switched it on, only to freeze on the spot. I took a minute or two to collect my thoughts, then like so many others, proceeded to do what I’d long decided to do, when the inevitable news came from Windsor.

53: Sparkwell's return

‘Where the hell are you?’ Said Charlie, down the line.

‘At the Villa.’

‘You’ve moved us!’

‘Only me and my stuff, take a look around, you’ll find you’re still fully intact. What’s that crash?’

‘I just dropped my fishing tackle. Oh, now I see, I think? The camera has gone from the treatment room I notice.’

‘Yes. I’m speaking to you from the Media Room, first-floor front. But anyway, I couldn’t move you without your consent, but then I couldn’t show you what you might wish to move to; without moving myself - if you see what I mean?’

‘That might be logical in your world but I’m not sure... I’ve only been gone a week; you must have been scheming this for ages.’

‘Well not really. The builders finished here the day after you left. You commandeered the car so I had to leg it to Jack’s for a courtesy vehicle and he was moaning about how much his lads were underemployed and suddenly I had a brainwave...’

‘Don’t bother.’

‘All done for free, payback for our road trip. Anyway, get yourself over here. It would appear I’ve got some even bigger news you may have reservations about.’

‘Oh my god, what?’

‘Have you been living in total isolation?’

‘Of course.’

‘Not listened to the news?’

‘Why would I?’

Charlie arrived rather recklessly. I’m sure some curtains must have twitched in the avenue. She practically ran up the path, clearly, she must have put the radio on. ‘Don’t you ever do that to me again. I almost crashed. Are you out of your mind? Talk about getting above yourself, and just what role in the proceedings had you got in mind for me?’

‘Firstly, the idea came from the top; secondly, they’ve asked for you, more or less full-time until the summer.’

‘But, but... You’ve only got six of the bedrooms in commission!’

‘Correction, we’ve got state rooms as grand as anything they’ll have ever known, they just need the dust blowing off.’

‘What!’

‘And if they’re not satisfied, they can make do with the servant’s quarters above.’

‘Seriously, Tony. What’s this all about?’

‘Buffy’s revenge, I think. His chance to stick it to the rest of the world.’

‘How?’

‘He wants us, as we are. The club. Right down to the regular menu.’

‘Well let’s pray they’re not here on a Thursday.’

‘Why?’

‘Well! I’m pleased you’ve forgotten, as chair of the Dining Committee you must have approved it once upon a time - Spotted Dick with lumpy custard.’

‘Oh yes. Happy days.’

‘So, you promised Prudence foreign statesmen, are you going to deliver an HRH too?’

‘Well, unknown as yet. But we do have a banqueting room familiar to their ancestors.’

‘Well, you’ve changed this room.’

‘Yes, back to what it must once have been. Ground floor front, therefore a literal reception room, somewhere to meet visitors and decide whether they should be allowed any further on to the premises.’

‘Do take a seat madam, I’ll see if the young master is at home.’

‘Or, do take a seat, whilst I prepare the treatment room, there’s mineral water on the sideboard.’

‘What?’

‘Step this way.’

‘How come it’s so light? And where’s the dining table, you said it was a genuine heirloom.’

‘The table is in three bits in one of the top floor bedrooms, only took the lads five minutes, it was designed to be taken apart. The ceiling and walls above the picture rail have new white paint and LED ceiling lights, see? And, this back wall is now white, whilst the remaining posh wallpaper has had some sort of damp spongy treatment, that brings back the original slightly reflective effect.’

‘The floor?’

‘That I admit is a bit of an indulgence, has to be sealed again apparently, when the wood has dried out a bit more. Oh, and the patio doors have been rehung and tinkered with, easy to leave ajar now, for fresh air and birdsong on spring mornings. So, moving on, only minor changes to the kitchen and pantry.’

‘Fresh paint and?’

‘Just a thorough clean-up really, food was quite a priority with the Aunt.’

‘What’s happened to the backdoor?’

‘Oh yes, I almost forgot, it has in fact been replaced. So, no more bolts but a dead lock as well as a sprung lock - now an alternative way to ingress and egress the property.’

‘Honestly this isn’t fair, you’ve been doing this to make me want to be here, rather than creating your own space. Now, it’s like I owe you!’

‘You haven’t seen upstairs yet.’

‘Oh cripes.’

‘So, master bedroom one, street facing, becomes proper family withdrawing room come library - henceforth to be known as the Media Room.’

‘Now that is cool.’

‘Well yes, and apart from Barmy’s garden shed I can’t think of one to beat it. Indeed, my wraparound screen is bigger that his.’

‘Looks like you’re still at the same place with your father’s documents as you were when they were downstairs?’

‘Yes, and likely to stay that way if I have to be hands-on with the Summit. Anyway, moving along, real master bedroom, garden facing with new improved bath and shower arrangements.’

I left a long pause, until she broke the silence; ‘All plumbed in, but no tiles yet.’

‘Correct.’

‘Well, I’m not signing-up for cleaning. Either you do it yourself or get someone in. And the car?’

‘Bernard is in negotiation to get Uncle Thomas’s mews garage back.’

‘Mews?’

‘At the confluence of the two back lanes that serve the avenue.’

‘Now you’ve lost me.’

‘An ancient, pre-historic version of a residents association, formed out of the freeholders, to look after the mews, the back lanes, the avenue, and the common lawn behind the trees.’

‘It’s all private? You wouldn’t know it.’

‘Long may it stay that way.’

‘You said you would be using last week to settle the reconstituting of the Trust!’

‘Well, that’s slightly delayed on account of it can only happen once Bernard and Brinkley have put their own semi-retirement plans into operation.’

‘You’re in charge, aren’t you?

‘Of course, but they have to do it all of their own free will and fly-off to the sun in the firm belief it was all their own idea.’

‘You know you said I’d have to find out about those two on my own. Well, I’ve discovered nothing, so perhaps you’d better come clean.’

‘All I know, all anyone knows - and this’s the point - is, you know that Art Deco block of flats between here and town? That’s where they live.’

‘Together?’

‘No. They each have a second floor flat; they live across the corridor from each other.’

‘Oh. Right.’

‘And, about twenty-five years ago, when this arrangement began, they each went halves on a timeshare in Spain. The only gossip ever to emerge, is that they nearly always take annual leave at the same time.’

‘They don’t look the part, do they?’

‘I’m not sure that’s an appropriate question these days?’

‘You know what I mean! Brinkley looks positively, Dickensian.’

‘Indeed, the miserly clerk, sat on a high stool at one of those high desks. Whilst Bernard looks like the country squire, fresh from tearing a strip off the stable lad.’

‘So, what happens, they keep their financial stake in the whole set-up I take it?’

‘Absolutely. They just hand over most of their clients to the staff they’ve been bringing along the last couple of years, with the exception of the Trust, the Park and the club accounts. If you go to the websites of Brinkley Associates, and Merriweather and Stollard, you will find them describing themselves as Consulting Accountant and Consulting Solicitor respectively.’

19: Sparkwell and the wannabe politician

‘That Rory Flotterton, he’s one of your’s, isn’t he?’ She had me on my back, on her table, in the treatment room that was once my spare bedroom.

‘What brought that on?’

‘He started to talk, at the club spa - clients often do.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘I wasn’t treating him you understand, just loitering in the waiting area, the “group safe space”, when he came out from treatment a bit spaced-out.’

‘And?’

‘Well answer my question first, there is such a thing as client confidentiality, I need to work out what I can share.’

‘Yes, we were at school together, but he was a couple of years my junior, so I didn’t get to know him well. I come across him from time to time, move in the same circles, that sort of thing.’

‘But what do you know of his, situation?’

‘Well we have our code too! No, he’s always been a bit vague, distracted, so I can well imagine a decent massage would have put him well under.’

‘He was in free flow about his girlfriend.’

‘Oh lord, he’s not still being pursued by Prue the Puritan?’

‘He did call her Prudence all the time, and he talked about living up to her expectations, whether he’d ever measure up to her standards, whether they’d ever get married.’

‘Well that’s the thing you see, years ago - you’re never meant to refer to her as Prue by the way, it’s always Prudence - she latched on to him, decided he was the one and could be moulded until he measured up to the required standard, with the promise of unbounded intimacy and affection after marriage.’

‘You mean she’s been keeping him short?’

‘Well, I don’t know the details, but she always seems to be able to leave him wanting more, but not the least tempted to stray! I must say it’s a neat trick if you can pull it off.’

‘Not like us then.’

‘Quite. However the point is, she’s really quite ambitious on his behalf; but whilst she’s very smart and capable, poor old Rory never seems to be able to stay focused and apply himself to anything for more than five minutes.’

‘Prudence wants him to get adopted as our prospective parliamentary candidate.’


It was a while after our treatment session had ended, to the mutual satisfaction of the both of us, that I was able to digest Sparkwell’s latest Intell. ‘You’re very quiet,’ she said, ‘you usually have a bit more pep after I’ve given you a good seeing to.’

‘I’m gobsmacked, I can’t think of a job for which Rory would be less suited. The Puritan must have totally lost her marbles this time, although she did briefly have him trying to sell second-hand cars a while back.’

‘What happened?’

‘He survived a couple of days, then he had to spend a week lying down in a darkened room.’


Later still, I put my head around the swing door to the kitchen; ‘Something is coming through, now that the emotional centres of my brain have calmed a little, I think my last conversation with Prudence may hold the key.’

‘You fascinate me strangely Holmes.’

‘The first thing I imagined was poor Rory trying to master public speaking - an essential ingredient in an aspiring politician I’m sure you’ll agree. I have a vague recollection from the year I was speaker to the school debating society, he made a total pig’s breakfast of his maiden speech, not so much nerves as rambling, a total inability to stick to the point. Well anyway, during my last encounter with Prudence she did nothing but quiz me about how social media worked, how and why all these would be influencers, from advertisers to politicians, went about things. In short, I can only imagine that Prudence has concluded the only way her project will ever get off the ground is if Rory isn’t allowed to say anything, unscripted.’

‘And if by some miracle he eventually makes it to the House of Commons?’

‘Oh I understand once you’re in, you can go several years there without opening your mouth!’


A couple of days later, as we were drawing to a halt in the Park carpark, I said to Charlotte; ‘You haven’t asked anything more about the Grand Takeover Caper.’

‘Julia said it was family, I didn’t think it was my place to…’

‘The truth is, you’re looking at it. The answer. This grand house and parkland, in all its original glory, was Uncle’s family’s home, for five hundred years. This is the second house on the site. Now for most of his life he’s been the distant poor relation, but he actually came here a lot as a child, grew up knowing he could walk in anytime he liked, he took it all in as one does when young, right down to being just a custodian of the land, holding it in trust for future generations. Well, it was run down somewhat even then. World War II had taken its toll, then there was Korea, various end of empire military misadventures. The place was abandoned for decades. What Uncle failed to mention was that it came to him by right in the end. But, all his money was committed to that modest, but desirable gentleman’s residence we know as Checkley Manor. I’ve got a favour to ask, would you take a couple of hours out and deliver this package by hand to Julia, then pick me up on your way back?’

‘What is it?’

‘Share certificates and other documents, now in Julia’s name, quite a few of the smaller investors got cold feet after the takeover, I paid them a fair return on their original investment. It gives Julia twelve per cent, so the two of them have a controlling interest, and can stop me getting above myself. It also means they have a free hand when it comes to writing or changing Wills etc.’

‘My hero.’ She was silent for a moment, then started the engine; ‘I’ll do it on one condition, you keep us out of politics. Now move.’ Then as a parting shot; ‘And start putting me first for a change!’


Sitting at the bar, the thought occurred that with Charlie temporarily off-stage I might just be able to sneak my favourite lunch. ‘Tony! Just the man I’ve been looking for.’ Sods law I thought, as Rory broke into my reverie as well as my personal space.

‘I’ve not seen you in a while, how are you?’ I was politeness itself.

‘In a bit of a tight spot as it happens. You know all about social media.’

He doesn’t hang about I thought. ‘Well, more the tech side of things, can’t say I follow people’s actual behaviour online.’

‘Prudence says it’s all about the metadata. What is metadata?’

‘Time; when people post, how long they stay on a site, how often they return, how they choose to comment – words, photos, video – and how long they commit to it, but not the actual content itself, rather how it is communicated. Ok?’

‘So if you wanted to target ads and things?’

‘Well, it’s the level of interest, the time invested, rather than past buying habits or the attitude expressed.’

‘I see.’

I very much doubted it, but. ‘Dare one ask?’

‘Oh, Prudence thinks it can all be done via social media these days. I’m not one for public speaking apparently.’

‘Absolutely not. Rory, what the hell are you talking about?’ I did my best to fake ignorance.

‘Oh, yes of course, your girl Sparkwell is the soul of discretion I’m sure, fact is old man, Prudence wants me to put up for parliament.’

‘And you’re going along with it?’

‘Well, mustn’t let her down. She’s terribly keen, got a whole campaign mapped out. Stage one, get adopted as the party’s local candidate. Been pressing the flesh for a while now, adoption meeting sometime next week, I think?’

‘And what makes you think, you have a chance against all those who have been nursing the seat for years?’

‘Boundary changes apparently, virtually a new seat, and all my rivals are on the record as long standing Remoaners, Prudence reckons if I appear as a full on Brexiteer...’

‘Still seems a very long shot to me, you’ll at least need to dig-up the dirt on whoever you’re up against at every stage, and a few lucky events would help - a bit of street theatre, if you know what I mean?’

‘I don’t think Prudence would approve of anything underhand.’

‘Well, there might be one situation in which she would be prepared to come out with all guns blazing.’

‘What can you mean?’

‘If some tactless sod started coming out with all the details of your past’.

8: Charlie takes a walk in the park

‘I’ll be away until early evening I suspect, these meetings tend to drag a bit.’

‘What meetings? Why? You haven’t explained anything.’

‘Well, I’m not sure I can explain, not without you getting the wrong end of the stick. Anything I say about the Park always leads to a sharp intake of disapproval.’

‘You could just try telling me the whole story, from the beginning!’

‘Actually it was my Uncle who laid the foundation stone, about ten years ago…’

This drew a slight shaking of the head and averting of the gaze from Charlie. ‘In other words, you’re in it up to your neck. I should have known.’

‘Well, not yet awhile. At the moment I’m just a fully paid up member who takes an interest. Anyway there’s no actual financial link between me and my Uncle, the money only comes from the paternal side.’

‘Until you muscle in on him, with your secret purchase.’

‘Well I’m hoping it will become a sort of alliance, if I can persuade him of the virtues. Anyway, I was rather hoping you might want to get involved at the Park, it needs to jump a generation, you could help make sure it doesn’t become some kind of retirement community, gets a proper mix of ages and backgrounds. You should at least take a look, if only to see what is actually there, help scotch a few rumours. I should get you on the spa committee, now that would shake them up.’

‘How?’

‘Well, they offer all sorts of alternative treatments, I’m sure you could spot the charlatans from the ones that really have got something going for them.’

‘Okay, I’ll come along, provided I can wander around freely whilst you’re conspiring with your pals.’

It was the week following our return from Antibes. Charlie took command of the car as usual. ‘So what actually happens there? The place is surrounded by woods, all anyone can see from the car park is a converted country house with newer stuff stuck on the end.’

‘But tastefully done you must admit. In addition there are twenty bungalows so far, the golf course and a very small lake.’

‘And the house contains?’

‘Offices, bar, restaurant, a small spa and gym with showers and bathrooms, plus half a dozen hotel style bedrooms.’

As we entered the clubhouse our progress was impeded by a few of the chaps attempting to manhandle a largish pod like object tottering atop some sort of hydraulic arrangement. ‘What have you got there, Cat?’

‘It’s the latest portable flight simulator, software for propeller driven aircraft only of course. We thought it would be ideal for the Games Room.’

‘You’d better put something on paper about it for the committee, something about a “free trial” and don’t mention a “games room”. Sparkwell, let me introduce you to Cat Mackintosh, Cat, this is Sparkwell.’

‘Been hearing a lot about you, keeping Tony out of trouble and all that. I’m sure we’ll all be calling for your assistance in time.’

‘Pleasure to meet you.’ she replied, then turning to me; ‘You didn’t brief me about a games room?’

‘That’s because there isn’t one, officially, just the old hall, accessed from the back - which is really the old front. I suppose it didn’t occur to you lot that it would’ve been simpler to take this object around the back in first place?’

‘Too many onlookers old man.’

‘You know some of the stiffer element are lobbying for a full size billiard table, which would mean no room for anything else?’

‘Quite, which is why we want to sneak this in quick. What with the pool table and the darts area already established, and the final acquisitions arriving next week, we’ll be all set.’

‘What final acquisitions? You know you really should warn us about this kind of stuff then we could head off the opposition at the pass, before there’s any kind of row.’

‘Ask Tuffy, he’s handling arrangements.’

After signing Charlie in, I set off for my meeting sharpish, leaving her to loiter with intent. Ostensibly I was there to Chair the dining committee, but given that several members sat on more than one committee, it was impossible to prevent some drift from the agenda. When someone started lobbying for the billiard table I was able to parry with anxiety about the floor; was it not tile rather than stone, and original, therefore needing to be considered with regard to the building’s listed status? That will buy the lads some time I thought to myself.

Several hours later I went in search of my co-dependant. I found her by the pond. I was expecting to be thoroughly trounced, instead she was quietly reflective. She said she’d only had time for the briefest look at the estate. ‘I was cornered by some of your pals, they were very attentive and gave me a Tea, they were quite - forthcoming.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘I think I’m fully up to speed now on your background and sundry activities. You’re going to have to make sure I see everything you see on social media though - they knew all about Antibes. Anyway, what I didn’t expect was how similar everyone is, it is a real club, isn’t it? There is more of a mix of ages and genders than I’d expected, but I mean, everyone sort of behaves in the same way regardless.’

‘We have our code. Not so long ago one would have called it class, but some members have the strangest backgrounds, and a few staff members are better educated and well to do than the rougher element, or Thatcherite Tendency as I like to call them.’

‘How does someone called Alistair Mackintosh come to be called Cat?’

‘Nocturnal habits at school.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘Able to navigate in the dark, pass through locked doors, return within minutes with something pinched from another House, that sort of thing.’

‘By the way, the thing about the Games Room is that the boys have to be able to leave a circle three metres in radius taped out on the floor, free from the other activities.’

‘Why on earth?’

‘Well, it’s something to do with running the right games on the latest VR headsets, sword fights and duelling with pistols I think.’

‘Good lord, and its Spitfires and Messerschmitt’s in the flight simulator no doubt. You know one day we’ll walk in and find ourselves being served by a robot bar-steward.’

‘What’s on this evening’s menu? I don’t feel like cooking.’

Later, driving home, Charlie announced; ‘I’ve come to a decision, it’s time for me to start training you up as a masseur, not sure how to do it though, lying on my back.’

4: Charlie on camera

‘Charlotte!’

‘Sir?’

‘Blimey, that was quick.’ The reply had been loud and clear over my shoulder as I sat watching my screen.

‘You didn’t feel me coming?’

‘You must be so embedded in my brain, my unconscious doesn’t think it needs to pay attention.’

‘I’m getting to be a habit with you.’

‘I say that’s rather good. Now then, I’m afraid I have some bad news. I must ask you to brace yourself and take it on the chin.’

‘Don’t I always?’

‘The thing is, that parking space you’ve been angling for, it isn’t going to happen, at least not for years.’

‘Okay.’

‘Now, I know parking fees must make a significant hole in your limited “disposable income” as they say, so what I propose is that you sell your motor, pocket the cash, and I give you unlimited use of my car, when I don’t need it.’

‘What’s the catch? Don’t get me wrong, I really get off on all this, being able to tell everyone I have this salary, bring people here and see them wet themselves. Put on my suit and just walk in anywhere. But you’re the one making me treat every encounter as some sort of trade.’

‘The catch, is you have to take responsibility for the car; see it neatly parked, pass the time of day with the other residents doing the same, see the tank is always nearly full, pay with the right card, always go to the same filling station and to the right garage, because although you’d never know it, Jack runs both of them, keep on the right side of Jack’s chief mechanic etc. etc.’

‘And I suppose somewhere in the “deductibles” on this payslip that arrived this morning is my share of the insurance.’

‘It’s a fifty grand, two seater speed machine - a classic by the time it left the factory, which just happens to be worth more and more with every passing year.’

‘I got a funny look from Madam Concierge when I was fetching it round to the front the other day.’

‘Well, I guess she remembers that it is but weeks since you were humping your portable massage table back and forth, dressed as if for the gym. Fear not, I have some pull with her, I can impose sanctions if she gets above herself.’

‘How?’

‘Excellent, now you’re asking the right questions! But that’s for another day, we haven’t finished with the car yet. Take a look at what I’m pulling up now.’

‘You, bastard! That’s live. And that’s in the treatment room. I suppose there’s one in the fucking shower!’

‘The only cameras in the flat are the webcam on this commuter, the ones in my mobile, see, your work mobile, which is where you left it, your personal mobile which appears to be on, but it just says it is, there, I can’t connect to it, and the two in the dash of the car. Oh, and that would be the one in the TV, but there’s black tape over it because it’s pointless anyway.’

‘So if I take a hand off the wheel to pick my nose, you know about.’

‘First off, this is the same kit used for a video call, okay? But since I own all the devices and they’re on my network, they’re connected; it just looks like some clever trick when you connect to them all in the same moment.’

‘Where does that leave me?’

‘Less than a week behind I would guess, before you’ve learnt to do all I can do - from any of the devices! There’s always a way to be notified if something is switched on, remotely or not. If there’s a good reason not to take the call, don’t take the call.’

Charlie retreated to her mat. ‘It does my head in, computers; the thought of reading any of these books does my head in.’

‘It’s all demonstration, imitation, trial and error, practice, practice, practice, more observation, more practice. Online it’s no different from acquiring the skills, the order and discipline, of your great project.’

‘What project?’

‘Finding a naturopathic explanation for everything. I believe in it too. A lot of those books are about human evolution, I can’t play around online unless I can see the evolution in social media, we are a social species, isolated we get ill and die. Our ancient ancestor’s grooming behaviour, is the key to what happens on your massage table!’

That night I awoke in the dark. ‘I can’t sleep’ she said. ‘Not natural to sleep alone. But I never seem to be able to sleep if someone else is there either. I know how it should be done, it’s just blokes never seem to get it.’

‘Try me.’

‘Spoons position is best.’

‘Yes, I get that it ought to be.’

We rearranged the pillows. ‘Before you ask I’ve never used contraception in my life, I don’t want anything unnatural up there and I hate pills… Oh, God, your dick just got harder!’

‘Yes, now that is truly weird.’

‘Anyway, I’ve been rogered during all phases of the moon and I’ve never gotten pregnant, so, you know.’

‘Noted.’

‘Beds are for sleeping not sex, night time is for sleeping not sex. The idea is, to watch the breath until our breathing is synchronised. Breathing naturally from the diaphragm. Then become aware of the heartbeat, how it also varies all the time, but it too will synchronise. Be in the moment. Images appear but do not let yourself make a story or a moving picture. Choose a still image, one single moment. Now explore the single image…’

I wasn’t aware of anything else said or done, until dawn’s early light found me following her out of bed and into the shower.

It so happened that later that morning the doorbell of the flat rang, poor Charlotte positively jumped not having heard it before. ‘Do I answer it?’

‘Look at my screen, see, like magic, two angles for immediate positive identification.’

‘It’s the Dragon Concierge.’

‘..and off course its only when it’s not her or her co-conspirator Jim the Janitor that you need to take a second look. By the way, just for the record,’ I added, reaching for the door, ‘they are the only cameras that automatically record!’

‘Might I have a quick word?’

‘Of course come along in, let me introduce you to Miss Charlotte Sparkwell my new personal assistant and occasional domestic help. You’ve no doubt discreetly noted her occasional comings and goings in your role as Building Manager?’

‘Indeed, pleasure to meet you Charlotte.’

‘Likewise.’

‘Since you’re here, I should take the opportunity to inform you that for the sake of the old health and safety rules, fire regulations etc. Charlotte is now officially the ‘co-occupier’ of the flat, I’ve surrendered the second bedroom and allowed her to make my home her place of residence, she’s not here much of the time, but, it makes sense financially, don’t you know!’

‘I’ll amend the records.’

‘Now then, you wanted a word?’

Another pause from the early days of this tale of intrigue. ‘Oh yes, this is the paperwork from the last resident’s meeting. Also, No.12 was asking again about being able to rent out their parking space?’

‘Can’t be done, legally speaking, I’ve had it checked. Situation normal I’m afraid.’

‘It’s never empty anyway, as you know.’

‘The daily scramble, a bit like a bun fight breaking out at High Tea I always think.’

‘You’d know more about that than I would, anyway I’ll leave you to your, activities.’

I gently closed the door. Charlie had an interesting take. ‘That’s one of your techniques isn't it? To stay ahead of the game, you do it to them before they do it to you.’

‘Well.’

‘And may one ask, sir, why she seemed to be deferring to you? I’m thinking; does he own the bloody building too? But no, it wouldn’t be as simple as that, it would be a company owned by another company, without your name appearing anywhere until it all came back to Brinkley the accountant, acting for the family trust, just happening to buy shares years ago that never get sold.’

‘Tis the way of things. So, have you worked out my passwords yet?’

‘No. Why would I want to?

‘Because, entitled or not, as soon as you do, you’ll be able to make a start on taking half my kingdom.’

1: Charlie takes charge

Now then, touching on the matter of young Sparkwell, my PA, where do we stand? Some have gone so far as to assert that I’m totally dependent on her. Well, it is true I gave up trying to run my own affairs within weeks of her arrival. I’d only hired her for a few hours at the start, as a sort of physical therapist you know, but then somehow she seemed to be able to anticipate my every need.

It was one morning in spring that everything underwent one of those transformations that everyone talks about these days. I opened my eyes to find her standing over me. She was holding a class of water with a slice of lemon in it. ‘Drink this, sir. It will cleanse your system.’

‘What time is it?’

‘Dawn, drink it before going in the shower.’

‘I normally start the day with at least two black coffees, at about nine o’clock! Wait a second, how did you get in?’

‘I never left. I spent the night in the treatment room.’

‘In my spare bedroom you mean. But there’s no bed!’

‘I often sleep on my table.’ She turned to the mirrored wardrobe, slid open one of the doors and began to inspect the contents. I couldn’t help noticing, not for the first time, how her fitness trainer’s uniform showed off her undoubted - fitness!

‘Finish your drink, then into the shower.’ She asserted with crisp resolution.

‘I can’t, not whilst you’re here, I have an early morning erection, exposing myself would hardly be appropriate, as your employer.’

‘Glad to hear it, there is no natural reason why all men shouldn’t wake up with a stiffy well into their seventies. Pretend I’m not here, servants have been treated that way for centuries.’

When I exited the shower cubicle a short while later, still in a state of some arousal, she was standing there, holding my towel. ‘On reflection sir, a subservient relationship would not be therapeutic, since I shall be introducing elements of Tantra into the programme.’

Charlotte Sparkwell B.Sc. (32), graduate in Sports Science, qualified Yoga teacher and expert in Indian massage techniques, came to me on the recommendation of the employment agency. But as she stood there in the doorway the first time, holding her portable massage table, bedecked in various mobile devices and carrying a small knapsack, I realised we’d met before. ‘I say! It’s Charlie, one time waitress at the Harbour Cafe.’

‘Yes, well a girl has to make ends meet. Where shall I set up, sir?’ It seemed barely a matter of moments before she was sat opposite me, having left her shoes at the door, set up her gear in the second bedroom and returned with notebook, pencil and tablet in hand, announcing; ‘First it is necessary to do an assessment.’

‘Well the thing is, I know it’s all psychological really, there’s nothing truly wrong with me - my quack has told me as much. But pain is real, isn’t  it? I’ve just had a lot of aches and pains recently, muscular pain, difficultly relaxing, spent a fortune on talking therapy over the years, but that only seems to work for the duration of the sessions.’

‘Do you know from where your distress comes?’

‘Oh yes, my entire world, my pals and most of all my relatives!’

And so I tumbled out my woes for ten minutes or so, then she started to explain what she could offer. The body’s outer extremities, hands, feet, and face held the most nerve endings, were on a direct route to the brain and every other part of the body she explained, and you didn’t even have to take off your clothes. When I countered that it didn’t sound very scientific, she said she liked to stick with ‘heuristics’ since they could be instinctively understood by clients, something about ‘embodied cognition’ if I cared to look it up. ‘Touch has a direct line to the emotions, sir!’

‘Well, yes, there’s no denying that.’ I replied. There was something about this woman that I’d noted in her days at the café, but now close up, eyeball to eyeball as it were, became ever more apparent. It showed in the smile, a beaming intense smile, which at first one thought could never be maintained, but was. It had a hypnotic quality, and in its broadness seemed only just on the right side of madness. In other words she was brilliant, and isolated because of it. Or so I suspected. During our hour and a half or so in the spare room, she created the atmosphere of relaxation with convincingly eastern music and calm words, and delivered the most intense and thorough manipulation of feet, hands and scalp imaginable.

She visited twice a week after that. Worked me over, I relaxed and her touch did indeed seem to connect to all parts of the brain and body. Pain relief led to sexual arousal - which was okay apparently so long as I focused solely on the breath, watching it rather than trying to control it, and just ‘let go’. I was instructed to practice flexing my PC muscles. ‘Our aim is go beyond sex.’ That pronouncement came during the evening session before my unscheduled dawn awakening.

Still a little shaken from Ms Sparkwell’s sudden shift in behaviour I made haste for the kitchen as soon as I was dressed, unwilling to face the world unfortified. My favoured bread appeared to be missing. On closer inspection I found other items gone from the fridge and cupboards. I was about to call out, but the scent of this indecently healthy and fertile Cheshire cat told me she was already present.

‘I took the opportunity to detox the area, if you give me fifty pounds I can restock with more appropriate items before preparing a light lunch, say for one o’clock?’

‘I normally lunch at Crawford Park.’

‘I couldn’t recommend it, sir.’

I instigated a long pause. ‘Are you angling for a job Charlie? A relationship? Perhaps you’re just temporarily homeless?’

The smile was there again, but a little more relaxed around the edges. ‘I can get plenty of work; yoga teaching, sports massage, reflexology, whatever! But I could never afford to live in a place like this. All this space, the view. Sometimes I just want to be in the window and meditate for hours. But I can’t do relationships, I’ve tried. The thing is, what with the intimacy of what I do, I’m on all the fucking time. I just have to be in control, it’s the way I am…’

‘Okay, stop there, otherwise you’ll tell me too much. Anyhow you don’t know nearly enough about me yet. I think I know an answer, but I’ll have to think it through. In the meantime, here’s the fifty for the housekeeping. I look forward to lunch!’

‘Very good, sir.’ And with that, she was gone.

Reviewing the situation, I knew it could be made to work. There was a kind of understanding between us. But what might scupper it from the outset was the attitude of the rest of the world. At school, and later at university in the early Nineties, our lot were sometimes referred to, a little glibly, as ‘trust fund brats’, the assumption being that money was never a problem, that an endless supply was there simply by virtue of reaching adulthood. But for nearly all of us, we never had money as individuals, we were beneficiaries as children of the family trust, and as adults, trustees of the family trust. As older relatives died off, younger ones found themselves signatories to funds which brought with them responsibilities and liabilities as much as assets. The older members had the authority, but increasingly with age required more of the readies.

Contrary to popular opinion, we may be time-rich but we are never idle. Staying rich requires effort, spending money can be an investment or a waste. My pals and I are the Web generation and in this world the nerd and the geek rule! Understand that and you are half way there. The majority, in their post-modern politically correct bubble may regard us as outliers to be labelled somewhere on an autistic spectrum, but we know we are more sensitive not less, flooded with impressions of pain - and that is what gave me the edge in approaching an understanding of young Charlotte.

Lunch as I feared looked less than appetising, but when a chap’s gone without breakfast! ‘Aren’t you going to join me?’

‘I prefer to eat standing up.’

‘Bye the way I’ve decided you can live here, you can have bed and board and whatever cash 48 hours per week of the living wage comes to. On paper you’ll be my Personal Assistant, with this as your home address, but once the rent for a room in a place like this is worked out, income tax, national insurance, council tax, health plan, pension, six weeks paid leave etc. etc. The bit of paper you’ll get from the office will, if I’m any judge, show a salary not far short of 30k. What do you think?’

‘Parking?’

‘Actually that might be the trickiest to fix, I’ll do what I can.’

‘I’ll prepare today’s treatment.’

‘Oh! Charlie. One other thing, you must try to stop thinking of life as a series of puzzles, as a search for meaning, of why questions or mysteries; start thinking of it as a game, after all you already behave that way.’

The spare room was looking even more like a therapist consulting room. ‘I’ll require you to be naked from now on. I need to be able to fully monitor your responses.’

‘If this turns out at all sexual Charlie, I’ll only go along with it if you let me do something for you, reciprocity and all that, you’ll just have to make it bleedin’ obvious what you need, cause I’m a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.’

‘As you wish, sir.’