19: Sparkwell and the wannabe politician

‘That Rory Flotterton, he’s one of your’s, isn’t he?’ She had me on my back, on her table, in the treatment room that was once my spare bedroom.

‘What brought that on?’

‘He started to talk, at the club spa - clients often do.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘I wasn’t treating him you understand, just loitering in the waiting area, the “group safe space”, when he came out from treatment a bit spaced-out.’

‘And?’

‘Well answer my question first, there is such a thing as client confidentiality, I need to work out what I can share.’

‘Yes, we were at school together, but he was a couple of years my junior, so I didn’t get to know him well. I come across him from time to time, move in the same circles, that sort of thing.’

‘But what do you know of his, situation?’

‘Well we have our code too! No, he’s always been a bit vague, distracted, so I can well imagine a decent massage would have put him well under.’

‘He was in free flow about his girlfriend.’

‘Oh lord, he’s not still being pursued by Prue the Puritan?’

‘He did call her Prudence all the time, and he talked about living up to her expectations, whether he’d ever measure up to her standards, whether they’d ever get married.’

‘Well that’s the thing you see, years ago - you’re never meant to refer to her as Prue by the way, it’s always Prudence - she latched on to him, decided he was the one and could be moulded until he measured up to the required standard, with the promise of unbounded intimacy and affection after marriage.’

‘You mean she’s been keeping him short?’

‘Well, I don’t know the details, but she always seems to be able to leave him wanting more, but not the least tempted to stray! I must say it’s a neat trick if you can pull it off.’

‘Not like us then.’

‘Quite. However the point is, she’s really quite ambitious on his behalf; but whilst she’s very smart and capable, poor old Rory never seems to be able to stay focused and apply himself to anything for more than five minutes.’

‘Prudence wants him to get adopted as our prospective parliamentary candidate.’


It was a while after our treatment session had ended, to the mutual satisfaction of the both of us, that I was able to digest Sparkwell’s latest Intell. ‘You’re very quiet,’ she said, ‘you usually have a bit more pep after I’ve given you a good seeing to.’

‘I’m gobsmacked, I can’t think of a job for which Rory would be less suited. The Puritan must have totally lost her marbles this time, although she did briefly have him trying to sell second-hand cars a while back.’

‘What happened?’

‘He survived a couple of days, then he had to spend a week lying down in a darkened room.’


Later still, I put my head around the swing door to the kitchen; ‘Something is coming through, now that the emotional centres of my brain have calmed a little, I think my last conversation with Prudence may hold the key.’

‘You fascinate me strangely Holmes.’

‘The first thing I imagined was poor Rory trying to master public speaking - an essential ingredient in an aspiring politician I’m sure you’ll agree. I have a vague recollection from the year I was speaker to the school debating society, he made a total pig’s breakfast of his maiden speech, not so much nerves as rambling, a total inability to stick to the point. Well anyway, during my last encounter with Prudence she did nothing but quiz me about how social media worked, how and why all these would be influencers, from advertisers to politicians, went about things. In short, I can only imagine that Prudence has concluded the only way her project will ever get off the ground is if Rory isn’t allowed to say anything, unscripted.’

‘And if by some miracle he eventually makes it to the House of Commons?’

‘Oh I understand once you’re in, you can go several years there without opening your mouth!’


A couple of days later, as we were drawing to a halt in the Park carpark, I said to Charlotte; ‘You haven’t asked anything more about the Grand Takeover Caper.’

‘Julia said it was family, I didn’t think it was my place to…’

‘The truth is, you’re looking at it. The answer. This grand house and parkland, in all its original glory, was Uncle’s family’s home, for five hundred years. This is the second house on the site. Now for most of his life he’s been the distant poor relation, but he actually came here a lot as a child, grew up knowing he could walk in anytime he liked, he took it all in as one does when young, right down to being just a custodian of the land, holding it in trust for future generations. Well, it was run down somewhat even then. World War II had taken its toll, then there was Korea, various end of empire military misadventures. The place was abandoned for decades. What Uncle failed to mention was that it came to him by right in the end. But, all his money was committed to that modest, but desirable gentleman’s residence we know as Checkley Manor. I’ve got a favour to ask, would you take a couple of hours out and deliver this package by hand to Julia, then pick me up on your way back?’

‘What is it?’

‘Share certificates and other documents, now in Julia’s name, quite a few of the smaller investors got cold feet after the takeover, I paid them a fair return on their original investment. It gives Julia twelve per cent, so the two of them have a controlling interest, and can stop me getting above myself. It also means they have a free hand when it comes to writing or changing Wills etc.’

‘My hero.’ She was silent for a moment, then started the engine; ‘I’ll do it on one condition, you keep us out of politics. Now move.’ Then as a parting shot; ‘And start putting me first for a change!’


Sitting at the bar, the thought occurred that with Charlie temporarily off-stage I might just be able to sneak my favourite lunch. ‘Tony! Just the man I’ve been looking for.’ Sods law I thought, as Rory broke into my reverie as well as my personal space.

‘I’ve not seen you in a while, how are you?’ I was politeness itself.

‘In a bit of a tight spot as it happens. You know all about social media.’

He doesn’t hang about I thought. ‘Well, more the tech side of things, can’t say I follow people’s actual behaviour online.’

‘Prudence says it’s all about the metadata. What is metadata?’

‘Time; when people post, how long they stay on a site, how often they return, how they choose to comment – words, photos, video – and how long they commit to it, but not the actual content itself, rather how it is communicated. Ok?’

‘So if you wanted to target ads and things?’

‘Well, it’s the level of interest, the time invested, rather than past buying habits or the attitude expressed.’

‘I see.’

I very much doubted it, but. ‘Dare one ask?’

‘Oh, Prudence thinks it can all be done via social media these days. I’m not one for public speaking apparently.’

‘Absolutely not. Rory, what the hell are you talking about?’ I did my best to fake ignorance.

‘Oh, yes of course, your girl Sparkwell is the soul of discretion I’m sure, fact is old man, Prudence wants me to put up for parliament.’

‘And you’re going along with it?’

‘Well, mustn’t let her down. She’s terribly keen, got a whole campaign mapped out. Stage one, get adopted as the party’s local candidate. Been pressing the flesh for a while now, adoption meeting sometime next week, I think?’

‘And what makes you think, you have a chance against all those who have been nursing the seat for years?’

‘Boundary changes apparently, virtually a new seat, and all my rivals are on the record as long standing Remoaners, Prudence reckons if I appear as a full on Brexiteer...’

‘Still seems a very long shot to me, you’ll at least need to dig-up the dirt on whoever you’re up against at every stage, and a few lucky events would help - a bit of street theatre, if you know what I mean?’

‘I don’t think Prudence would approve of anything underhand.’

‘Well, there might be one situation in which she would be prepared to come out with all guns blazing.’

‘What can you mean?’

‘If some tactless sod started coming out with all the details of your past’.