20: Charlie on the campaign trail

‘What I still don’t understand is, how come a crack - and just the right-sized crack mind you - could suddenly appear at just the right moment in the roof of the shaft and, I mean, how could anyone know hundreds of tons of water wouldn’t just…’

‘Thousands of tons, I’d say Tuffy’, some anonymous voice replied.

I turned on my feet and rapidly exited the lounge I’d not quite entered.

‘Anthony!’ The voice echoed in the corridor, in tone it was reminiscent of Aunt Elisabeth, but I had no doubt from whence it came.

‘Prudence! You’re looking as glamourous as ever.’

‘I heard all that. I also heard most of your conversation with Rory. If anyone, comes to hear anything, of his alleged involvement in any of your schemes, past, present or future… Well, I shall know what to do about it. I have no intention of letting anything stand in the way of his new career.’

‘Naturally I too am the soul of discretion. So, when and where is this actual adoption meeting?’

‘Stay out of it…’ I was saved by the ping of a notification.

‘ETA two minutes. Excellent, my carriage awaits. Must dash. Love to chat, but simply not poss.’

‘I hear there’s nothing she doesn’t do for you. And handsomely paid for her trouble too. Now what is the proper name for that?’

‘Well she certainly doesn’t give it away, but then you’d know all about that.’


Back on the road, Charlie said; ‘You look a little harassed.’

‘Your words turned out to be prophetic, first Rory was there seeking advice, then Prudence turned up, laying down the law. Still I managed to duck and dive. So far we’re well out of it. How did it go with Julia?’

‘Would you mind if I didn’t tell you about it?’

‘Not at all.’

‘You did say I should be the one to say “stop”, draw the line in the sand. Well, what you don’t know and all that.’

‘I do love you Charlotte, with all my heart.’

‘Just as well.’ Seen in profile from the passenger seat, it seemed she wasn’t so much smiling as smirking.

‘Any fallout from the viniculture?’

‘Your Uncle passed through the kitchen where we were chatting, seemed happy as Larry, he said, “tell your man I’ve chucked the remains of the muck, mush - whatever he called it, along with all the rest, straight back on the ground where it came from - as advised - and that custom of white roses at the end of rows of white grapes, and red at the end of red, is just what we need”.'

‘Great. Now we just have to wait and wonder if in years to come we’ll open a bottle and find ourselves drinking fizzy pop.’


Stuff happens. ‘Events, dear boy,’ as someone once said. About a week later, Charlie entered, stage right via the kitchen - precisely two hours after dawn - with our meagre rations for the a.m. ‘He’s done it,’ she announced, flashing a tablet screen in my face, ‘at least according to our freesheet.’

‘Yes, how is it that despite being online like everyone else, the local rag still always seems to read like old news?’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Well, today of all days, you’d have thought… You obviously haven’t seen the nationals. Regional tv news has it, see?’ The headline on the screen read, “Local MP resigns over sex scandal” and “Byelection to test government majority”. ‘So, I’ve just been on the blower to Jack, we’ve arranged a car swop.’

‘Why on earth?’

‘A break from it all. He can take “er, indoors” on a long weekend road trip around the peninsula, whilst we, cause urban chaos in his van.’

‘What! That bloody great…’

‘No, no, no, that’s his recovery vehicle, I mean his business runabout, the small white van’.

‘Not much of an exchange!’

‘You’re not thinking this through. Jack is the automotive expert, not me.’

‘But he’ll get to play with all our computer kit, whilst we, we what?’

‘Well I don’t know until I get my hands on it, that’s the point - but there is a lot of kit in it, I know that much, and of course it’s not your bog-standard hatchback frame and engine underneath either - if you see what I mean.’


The local media concluded there was everything to play for in the election. What with boundary changes, Rory declaring for Brexit at any price, and the now former MP having won the seat several times for the opposition as a Remainer. The nature of the sexual misdemeanours (if that’s what they were) remained mysterious, since the recent member had obtained a gagging order the day before resigning. Rory’s face could be seen everywhere, though no one seemed to have met him. There were no live tv interviews or videos online. His voice however, a little more certain and assertive than usual, was there as a voiceover online and in a few radio interviews. One news outlet carried a brief story about a row between the candidate’s female minder, slash spin doctor - no one was quite sure of her role - and a commercial radio station, about whether the studio webcam set-up should be switched off.

Jack’s little van had modest warning-like stripes and extra flashing lights which kind of suggested the type of vehicle you see just before a massive outsized load comes at you on a narrow road. I took a first look in the back whilst parked half on, half off the pavement outside the chippy. As soon as Charlie had secured an early supper we parked-up on the Prom, for all the world like environmental services on a break. ‘So what have you learnt?’ She enquired.

‘He’s really gone to town with the driverless technology, all the kit for monitoring other road users - which in its way is the same as surveillance, being as well inform as the authorities, if not better.’

‘But what’s the point of it all?’

‘To help himself, and his customers. Basically his business is looking after high-end relatively recent classic cars. Nonetheless, as the years go by owners are being forced more and more to modify their cars in order to keep them on the road and comply with regulations, right?’

‘Right.’

‘The service Jack provides, is to do that with the minimum fuss, altering the look of the car as little as possible, all for a reasonable price.’

‘And the knowing all about other road user’s bit?’

‘Well just imagine in ten or fifteen years, if half the vehicles are electric and all vehicles are to varying degrees driver assisted, us petrolheads are going to be enemy number one - and we can’t hide - we are by definition the most conspicuous road users!’

‘And?’

‘Well, Jack’s big idea is that the technology is essentially reversible; like a loudspeaker being in essence, the same as a microphone. He thinks we can hide in plain sight, be seen but leave no trace.’

‘But the authorities will know! They’ll have seen you and then know you’ve wiped the tape, as it were.’

‘Quite, but Jack reckons the psychology is right, the authorities will, unofficially be grateful, be saved the embarrassment of having to look the other way or legislate us off the road. If challenged they can say, we don’t have the tech yet to stop them, and as always go cap in hand to the government for more cash, which of course always takes longer than the next tech innovation.’

By this time, Charlotte had started rummaging in the back herself, though she seemed more interested in what was covering the floor than the kit, a sort of fitted mat, quite thick but with a surface like a yoga mat; ‘You don’t think he uses this as a passion wagon on the sly?’

I couldn’t help thinking, this woman is only really interested in 'going beyond sex' once she’s discovered every possible satisfaction in the ‘here and now’; in my mind I’d already gone as far as to tentatively formulate, Sparkwell’s first rule of natural therapy - never do it twice in the same place in the same way.

‘Good lord is that the time, I’m due at the opposition hustings.’

‘What?’

‘Don’t worry, you don’t have to be involved, you can have the van for a couple of hours, I’m the one who needs to be there.’

‘Why? I said keep us, out of it.’

‘Yes but I’m a member, I get to vote for my candidate of choice.’

‘But, but you’re the, wild capitalist of the Web, since when did you care about equality, social justice…’

‘Look, until about four years ago, I’d never been a member of any party, I wasn’t even listed anywhere as a supporter of anything. So when they introduced their "a vote for a fiver" scheme, I thought it would be a laugh, lots of the chaps at the Park have done it, literally the "unwaged". Now we get to help Rory, by helping to choose his opponent.’