22: Sparkwell is away (annual leave)

It happened when Charlie was away on holiday and I was left to fend for myself once more. She’d decided to exploit her official status and public persona by announcing she was taking six days from her annual six weeks - and was going fishing. Not a sport I know anything about, clearly demonstrated when I remarked that there were plenty of rivers around the Checkley estate, but she appeared not to have gone anywhere near any of them. ‘You’re not the only one with a computer, the angling community can access the same data as the Environment Agency, without having to actually go there.’ I then expressed the thought that it must be a somewhat lonely kind of holiday, but it turned out she had ‘fishing pals’, some dating back to her not so impoverished childhood, when she was introduced to the river by an Uncle. She said she would have no difficulty in feeling compleat!

‘Will you be requiring a substitute Carer whilst I’m away, sir?’

‘No I most certainly will not!’

‘Just asking, Brinkley thought I ought to check, just for the record.’

‘No doubt the thought amuses him. Now close the door on your way out.’


Now I really don’t know why it is, but when a chap is without his mate, he cannot help but notice other desirable females. Whilst there was no conscious intention of straying in deed; nonetheless the massive, unconscious part of one’s brain appears to be hard-wired to notice potential alternatives. It therefore felt perfectly normal, upon noticing Daphne sat in the lounge at the Park, to sidle-up and enquire whether she was in need of a lunch companion. And indeed she was, on account of her husband being unaccountably delayed in a departure lounge in Dusseldorf.

‘Really, this whole business of commuting to Europe is getting beyond a joke,’ she said as I held a chair for her; ‘Barmy loves it, but the kids are just getting plain confused, and no doubt Brexit will only make it more so for the poor dears.’

‘Yes, I meant to ask you about that, don’t his sundry activities in the academic community rather depend on the old EU being willing to fund that which Her Majesty’s government will not?’

‘Absolutely, but that’s only his pocket money. The real money comes from his family’s stake in the electronics of aeronautics. He’s getting a little nervous about the free flow of cash in the future, as it happens. Anyway, why are you here and palely loitering? I don’t see your Girl Friday about.’

‘Annual leave, alas.’

‘You shouldn’t have hung me out to dry all those years ago then - I never leave Barmy for more than a few hours without putting a little something next to the microwave.’

‘You think I’m just sitting down with you for the sake of a square meal?’

‘The way to a man’s heart… I do confess to missing your wit from time to time, Tony.’

‘Well thank you. It amuses me now, for example, to hear the name Barmy trip of your tongue with just the right emphasis, you used to be a lot more formal.’

‘I know, but after I’d lived with him for a few months I started to realise what you chaps had obviously picked up on, in the third-form dorm.’

We’d barely started when we were interrupted by Cat Mackintosh. ‘I say, I do apologise Daphne old girl, but might I have a quick word with Tony here?’

‘Be my guest.’

‘The thing is, you couldn’t tell me where Charlie is could you?’

‘Gone fishing, but I’m not at liberty to reveal where, officially on leave.’

‘Gosh, thing is we could rather do with her ministering hands.’

‘Can I be of any help?’

‘Hardly old man, fact is she’s been acting as unofficial physio to all us lads in the Games Room.’

‘Has she indeed, she’s kept that quite.’

‘Well, I know she was worried you might get the wrong end of stick, think she’d been moonlighting or something.’

‘You’ve been paying her?’

‘No, no; least not officially, just the occasional tip, I mean the lads are quite generous. After all, there you are, a sudden jolt of pain and you’re out of the game. Charlie steps in, twenty minutes later you feel right as rain and terribly grateful. Opponents like to see you back in the game too, if you see what I mean.’

‘What! If someone’s been running a book we’ll be forced to close you down.’

‘Oh perfectly understood, how long is she away for?

‘Just the week.’

‘Okay. Sorry again for butting in Daphne.’ And with that, he was gone.

‘You know I don’t mean to be catty, but you do realise one day she’ll trade you in for a younger model?’

‘Well, that’s as may be, but the greater folly would be to fool oneself about why she’s with me in the first place.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘I flatter myself that I’m offering something she can’t get elsewhere, that I’m on to a winner.’

‘But isn’t that an even greater conceit?’

‘Now you’re tempting me to expound on my own virtues. Not easy to resist. Talking of which, how about dessert?’


We decided to take our coffees across to the veranda bar and watch progress with the pond. ‘I must say you’ve provided some marvellous entertainment through the summer, shame all the health and safety sculptures are gone now, the recycled junk provided by members was most amusing too, one road sign I especially liked; that one dreamed-up years ago by some tortured soul in the Ministry of Transport when mini roundabouts first came in - “Altered Priorities Ahead”, rather summed the whole place up!’

‘As ever, at your service.’

‘Why is it taking so long to fill-up again?’

‘Same reason it got rather stagnant before, there’s very little coming in from up stream. But we are supplementing that by pumping in some of the spring water. At the same time we’re replacing the upper and lower sluice gates, make sure it flows just enough. Nonetheless, we are going deliberately slow, rather hoping that the odd flora and fauna that’s migrated in recently, and will migrate as it fills, will take off. There’s also the question of the spa?’

‘I don’t follow.’

‘Well, the well of the spring, how much can we take out? Does it replenish itself fast enough for just a pretty little drinking fountain, or enough for hydrotherapy in the new extension to the spa. Perhaps even enough for a highly select mineral water, on sale only to the…’

‘This is the first I’m hearing of all this.’

‘Very much in the planning stage, I really must tell my fellow investors and the committee about it soon.’

‘One day you’ll get bored and turn to crime, just to see if you can get away with it.’

‘Now there’s a thought.’

‘I say! Sorry to butt in but, where on earth has Charlotte gone?’

‘Afternoon Tuffy.’ I replied. ‘You’re the second person in the space of an hour to ask that question.’

‘Sorry. She’s not ill is she?’

‘Sparkwell, ill? She never gets ill, enjoying good country air as it happens, on leave. Why do you ask?’

‘Rather hoping she was free, could fit me in, one of her special treatments don’t you know.’

‘No, I don’t think I do actually.’

‘Well we have this sort of arrangement, whenever I’m a bit out of sorts, she takes me out of myself, sort of deep relaxation, meditation thing, works wonders.’ I must have had a quizzical look on my face for he added; ‘For the appropriate recompense of course!’

‘She’ll be back next week.’

‘Oh well, can’t be helped I suppose’, he said as he wandered off, head down.

Then Daphne was pinged; ‘Good lord, something’s happening. “Boarding now”. How long will it take me to get to the airport at this time of day?’

‘An hour, an hour and ten.’

‘I’d better think about shaking a leg then. So, what is the secret of you and the valette? Being with a smart aleck like you all the time isn’t the easiest thing in the world, it’s fine when you turn on the charm, when you’re warm as well as supremely competent, but when you’re cool and competent you just make everyone else feel inadequate!’

‘Difficult to say, we don’t actually spend much time looking at each other and talking things through, we seem to be fully occupied following each other around all day.’

‘Really. I’ll have to think about that one. Anyway, must dash, at least now there’s a chance we’ll both be home before childcare gets the hump. Cheerio.’

‘Do give my fondest to your mother.’