128: Christmas club

‘Soon be Christmas again.’ Said Charlie one morning, as we were going about our ablutions. Thankfully there were just a few days left to endure before events kicked off. Those who mention Christmas at the earliest opportunity every year have always annoyed me. There’ll be someone, in the days following the summer solstice, who will remark; ‘The nights are drawing in, soon be Christmas.’ By August it becomes difficult not to notice the mince pies appearing on supermarket shelves.

‘So, what have you planned for our Christmas?’ she asked.

‘The club lunch on Christmas Eve, followed by Checkley Manor, but back here in time for the Book Club on Boxing Day.’

‘But it’s the same every year!’

‘Exactly, that’s the point.’

On our drive out to the club on Christmas Eve, Charlie asked who the guest speaker would be? I was able to reply; ‘Our noble Lord Coates.’

‘You know, I’ve never asked; is Frimley married?’

‘Oh yes.’

‘He never brings her to the club!’

‘Well, not in recent times. One imagines she’s fully occupied with the children.’

‘How many?’

‘Four.’

‘Crickey! You'd have thought they'd have sorted out other forms of satisfaction long ago.'

‘They hung-on for a boy, and managed it at the fourth attempt.’

‘Serve him right, three girls.’

‘That’s why his priority has always been making money, with the politics left as just a hobby.’

‘Is he a good speaker?’

‘Excellent, odd but excellent.’

Upon entering the lounge, we began to mingle. The first person I encountered was Walpole; ‘What ho, what ho! What, no Helene?’

‘She’s deep in the making of mince pies, she only attended last year when she thought me the star attraction.’

‘Reflected glory.’

‘Now I’m permanently in the doghouse for giving too much time to the railway.’

‘How are things going, I haven’t had a situation report in a while.’

‘That is because I remain deeply embroiled with the county council. I think they were upset to be so excluded in the beginning, thinking we were trying to go over their heads.’

‘Well, we were, sort of.’

‘Well now they seem determined to get their own back and summon as much outrage as they can about the apparent loss of footpaths and cycle ways.’

‘But you had a good wheeze about that.’

‘Indeed, I spelt it out for them, but now they are causing more delay by brooding over old maps, etc. In essence, I told them they were wrong to have run rough shod in the past over old pathways and bridleways. No pun intended. By correctly reinstating level crossings, fences and paths to stations, we are showing them where the public have always had a right of way and still can have. The railways in the nineteenth century had to fall in line with ancient tracks as much as the landowners whose land they were crossing did!’

‘Don’t forget I got Jack involved in the old bicycle emporium to show good intentions all round.’

‘I suppose at the end of the day we may have to actually suggest where walkers and cyclists should go, I’m not sure councillors actually know the landscape they’re supposedly protecting.’

‘Try not to, they need to believe they’ve come up with solutions themselves or otherwise they lose their reason for being.’

‘My lords, ladies, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the man without whom the Park would not be the Park, the club wouldn’t be the club, and we’d all be out of a job, wandering the streets; our friend and benefactor, the man himself, Anthony Arlington.’

‘Thank you, Mr Secretary, eloquent and flattering as always. I’m obliged to you for giving me a couple of minutes to address you all, before introducing our guest speaker. As many of you are aware we are approaching the end of our various schemes to upgrade the Park, but must now face the final challenge - the water pipe and pumping station replacement. I wish to reassure you all, that although this task was anticipated in the original financial plans, the Trust stands ready to provide extra funding should the unexpected occur, or more leaks than anticipated be discovered. Now, from the walled garden southwards, through the stables and the bungalows to all parts of the house now in use new piping has been fitted. We now face the long haul to the edge of the parkland where we take water from the river. Survey work will start shortly, and disruption will begin in the spring, hopefully cuts in supply will only occur on a couple of occasions and for a few hours only, notices will be posted to you all in plenty of time. Now then, today’s speaker is known to you all and in a unique position to comment on the political disruption we’ve all faced this year, indeed over the last five years. He is, alas, now our only political insider, able to at least report if not influence events from his lofty perch in the House of Lords. And so, with no more to-do, I give our noble lord, Frimley Coates.’

‘Thank you, Anthony. I should perhaps point out that it is customary only to use the expression “noble lord” when one peer is addressing another. However, if my nobility amuses you, then who am I... You may think it odd that I should address you at this pagan festival, my faith gives emphasis to Easter as a time, following an appropriate period of fasting, to indulge and celebrate. But I fear with the ascendancy of the worker’s party we are all in for an extended period of puritan, rule-governed restraint and self-abasement. You may protest that we only have ourselves to blame, and it does seem that so many in the once great party have spent years running around like headless chickens, having little or no effect upon the fortunes of the nation. Buffy Trumpton, to whom I owe my own political good fortune, seemed to blow a fuse, almost at the point of achieving that which he had coveted for so long. Others were perhaps never up to the job. I too have been accused of, if not incompetence, then of being irrelevant. Some elderly wit was overheard complaining to some other even more elderly person that my style was “out of date before you were born”. Well, I take comfort that the best of the past is never out of date here at the club and amongst all you fellows. I find solace too, of course, in my faith and the inspiration offered by the holy father. His holiness was gracious enough to offer my wife and I a brief audience this year. His life-long determination to avoid the trappings of office and to remain at heart a simple parish priest is surely an example to us all. We are all sinners, no matter how we spend our lives, we cannot transcend human nature, the assumption of so many political idealists, we can only attempt to emulate something of the life of Christ though we know we are bound to fail at the last, such is the human condition. And so, I offer a toast to, God the father, God the son and God the holy spirit!’

‘Amen!’ Cried someone.

‘I’m sorry, I got a little carried away there, must be the wine. I have of course sworn an oath to the crown. I give you, the King!’

123: Pre-election predilections

‘Cheeky cow!’

‘Who?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Brenda Radnor, a text; “Buy me lunch at your club.” That, must not be allowed to happen. It would blow my cover.’

‘How so?’

‘Seeing me in my natural milieu. Especially if she got talking to other members.’

‘What on earth have you been telling her about yourself?’

‘Well, no lies or deceptions as such. I’ve just spun things to imply that my role with the Trust, and its various interests, is very much, hands-off.’

‘Ha! You know Fiona likes to keep her finger on the pulse?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, every day she takes it upon herself to peruse the list of all those who have been through the spa and hence out on the golf course too, members and guests.’

‘Oh, lord!’

‘The other day she said your Brenda had played a round.’

‘You might have thought to mention it!’

‘I am.’

‘We must have lunch somewhere else, somewhere neutral.’

Charlie had given me explicit instructions on how to get there. And although I’d left in plenty of time, I barely had a moment to compose myself before Brenda appeared. ‘Your text was very curt.’ She said, somewhat abruptly.

‘When you do finally appear at the club it will be in triumph, as our elected member of parliament. Then you will be doing so as part of your legitimate business, and no one, particularly your own side will be able to object.’

‘I suppose you have a point.’

‘I didn’t know you were a golfer.’

‘How do you know about that?’

‘I may be only one, largely disinterested trustee, but I do have a network to inform me of relevant facts.’

‘So, tell me about my opponent.’ I then proceeded with a thumb nail sketch, from school through to marriage to the formidable Prudence.

‘But I know most of that! I’ve read all the background material, I got your titbits from The Beacon would you believe, makes one wonder where they got them from?’

‘I hold up my hands, their executive editor is a member of the club.’

‘That explains a lot.’

‘However, everything I’ve just said is by why of context for the strategy I’m going to recommend. A way of not slipping on several banana skins.’

‘Go on.’

‘Do not confront him directly in debate, you’ll humiliate him in moments, remember you need the votes of people who previously supported him, you don’t want them to feel complete idiots. All you need to do is look good in comparison, that is competent to look after the interests of local people. At the last two elections Rory’s opposition wasn’t exactly, outstanding. Right? And of course, it is only a little over six years since the party’s last MP was forced to resign in disgrace. The election will be yours by being just a bit positive and upbeat about what you can do to help the local area recover.’

‘You know you’re very good at this, ever thought of going into politics?’

‘Well, they did ask me, but I always wanted to stay where the real power and money lay!’

‘Mmm. You’ll be please to know that the owners of the station properties in our village have been made aware that the heritage railway is seen in a positive light by most other residents. And also, that there are other properties in the village that they could well afford if they chose to accept the railway’s offer.’

‘Well, that is good news.’

‘I, er, must confess that whilst reading about Flotterton I found myself looking up other references to our area in The Beacon over the last five years or so.’

‘They’re always entertaining, though prone to some exaggeration.’

‘You seem very good at keeping your own name out of the paper.’

‘That, should be a source of great reassurance to you.’

‘You sent for me, my noble lord.’ I said to the back of Frimley’s head as he was sitting at the club bar.

‘I did indeed, you owe me a drink.’ replied the Lord Coates.

‘And I’m more than happy to oblige.’

‘I thought I ought to save my couple of nuggets of news until we could meet face to face.’

‘Much the safest way.’

‘The SI granted some while ago was placed on the table of the House in a quiet moment. It was picked-up, read and, not to be too euphemistic about it, promptly put down again. I thought the only important person who needed to consider it, was the local MP for the area effected.’

‘I imagine you arranged for him to be casually loitering at the time.’

‘I was told years ago by someone, probably by you, that he was fine being let out on his own, if he could be pointed in the right direction.’

‘Perhaps you went so far as to suggest that if he left it well alone, there might be votes in it.’

‘You might very well think that Anthony, I couldn’t possibly comment.’

‘Well, it may give him hope, buck the fellow up a bit.’

‘You still believe him a lost cause?’

‘Even with the most modest of national swings.’

‘Now, the other matter concerns the Palace, I must choose my words even more carefully. To paraphrase; “One would be more than content to hammer in the golden spike”, I think my reply was something like, he must be thinking of American railroads, not our style.’

‘Watched too many old movies about conquering the wild west in his youth no doubt.’

‘No doubt. However, it was also mentioned that he had to visit the naval college in the near future. I suggested he take the royal train to just across the river, then the college’s launch could pick him up on the railway quay, possibly after he’d admired progress on the line so far.’

‘Well, that’s excellent, let us raise another glass to His Majesty.’

‘I came down on the train this time. I must say it was a pleasant surprise to see no blue containers obscuring one’s first view of the Bay.’

That evening, I put in a call from the media room to Junior Jack. ‘John, Tony. You can put the word out; we’re all systems go! All legal hurdles are passed. We can proceed with any aspect of phase one, apart from the bits we require others to do that is. In fact, I see no reason not to do everything through company channels now, no need for any us to go skulking about anymore.’

‘I've heard from our estate agents.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘Matey at the station in the picturesque village had been nervously making enquiries, wanting to know if our original offer was still good. I said it was, through gritted teeth. He accepted a couple of days later.’

‘You’re a top man, John.’

‘So, you and the old timers have got your own way, just in time I’d say.’

‘All the politics of it you mean?’

‘I mean Dad, he doesn’t have long, if I’m any judge.’

‘I’m sorry John, I know he never really had time for me, but it was you and Jimmy he was looking out for.’

‘He had a funny way of showing it.’

‘There won’t be problems with his estate?’

‘Nah, Jimmy and I will work it out. See you at the next board meeting if not before, give my regards to “er indoors” won't you?’

‘Of course. So long for now.’

103: King Coal

‘My noble lord.’

‘Ah! Anthony.’

‘I’m surprised to find you here, shouldn’t you be in Whitehall, fighting off yet another crisis?’

‘Merely a little R and R, to recharge the batteries.’

‘Yes. That’s rather the problem isn’t it, wind and solar energy never arrives when you want it to, batteries can’t hold a full charge for twenty-four hours and the wires are never more than semi-conductors.’

‘Not my responsibility old man, I’m strictly post-Brexit stuff.’

‘But you sit at the cabinet table. You must hear things.’

‘There are usually twenty-five people in that room for a two-hour meeting. That’s less than five minutes each, if you’re lucky.’

‘Do you know anything about transport?’

‘Historically it’s had the highest turnover of ministers of any department. Though, what with the fall, others must be catching up.’

‘As in decline and fall?’

‘So, one must assume.’

‘Lucky you were ennobled then.’

‘Luck had nothing to do with it. Anyway, what’s your interest?’

‘I and some like-minded individuals, have been acquiring former railway land throughout the south of the county for some years now.’

‘Really!’

‘Ever heard of the Fell Mining Corporation?’

‘Heard of them? My dear fellow, my old firm is into them for... Well, a considerable amount. They’re sitting on this nation’s highest quality industrial coal deposits. With money to burn, if you’ll excuse the pun, but with a slight public relations problem.’

‘How would they like to buy-up, lock, stock and barrel, one of our best, but worst run heritage railways?’

‘But you can’t do that, such people are wrapped in various charity, stroke trust, stroke third sector non-profit, non-tax paying, volunteer shareholder schemes - you wouldn’t believe! You’d need the expertise of an... Arlington Trust to get around that one... You know, the reason preserved railways have been in the doldrums of late is that their single greatest expense is steam coal. I say, I’ve always wanted to plan a corporate raid from the bar of a gentleman’s club!’

I ended up buying Frimley lunch and taking him into my confidence over the full extent of what I’d come to think of as the Steam West project. Then I explained that almost everyone assumed the desired avoiding line for the eroding coastal route was the old Southern Railway, and that although we owned three odd bits of land which could be used to delay it, our desired route was the less obvious old GWR line. ‘But really Anthony, that was a single track, much is now enjoyed as footpaths, and it is crossed by a dual carriageway!’

‘But still a cheaper option for the government. At some point, if the motorway is to proceed further west, the current arrangement of dividing into three dual carriageways halfway up a hill, just a mile south, will need to be realigned, involving a heightening of our carriageway, as it were, it would be a simple matter of allowing the new elevation to continue awhile, and let the railway run along the existing road.’

‘Well, I’ll be damned!’

Once that had sunk in, I continued; ‘What we’re proposing as a settlement, is a collaboration, in which we own the infrastructure from the old naval port all the way to Morestead, including the biggest current eyesore en-route, the Abbey Station.’

‘You’re crazy.’

‘Network Rail and the current operator have been making ever more desperate attempts to clean it up and reduce its size for decades, with every new initiative it just looks worse. The answer of course is to restore it to its former glory. We’ll pay, the town will love it. The best layout was achieved in nineteen twenty-nine, it lasted until the end of steam.’

‘Anthony, the government will never hand over the ownership of a mainline station!’

‘All the land to the south is held by the local authority, worth remembering how they acquired it. It was when it was all a private estate that part of it was sold to the GWR, later the council took over the remainder for their heritage style headquarters, then at the government’s bidding they bought back more and more land from the railway, making the railway accounts look good.’

‘Stop. I think I know where you’re going with this.’

‘Well, there are other ways of considering the proposition. Every night the up and down Night Riviera sleeper passes through, pulled by an old Diesel which gives off more emissions than our computer controlled, oil-fired, mainline steam locos will.’

‘How come?’

‘Well, when the weekly steam hauled Bay Express resumes from platform one at Paddington, it will run non-stop to our great cathedral city on cruise control...’

‘But how does it work?’

‘Like the Swiss Glacier Express. The oil is injected through an atomiser, like a perfume bottle, the flash not only gives instant heat but something like ninety-eight per cent of the oil is burnt off, virtually nothing left to go up the chimney.’

‘I see, I think.’

‘Of course, the royal train is worse, half the size and with an old Diesel at both the front and back, but then old railwaymen and many locals remember it for another reason.’

‘Oh, god.’

‘Yes, how the few remaining miles of the Morestead branch line track has been used as a favourite overnight stop for the luxury train, it’s royal passengers and guests, particularly in the nineteen eighties and early nineties. Not quite at the heart of the Duchy, but...

‘I should warn you, I’m an active member of the Privy Council.’

‘Some photographic evidence even, of the married Prince’s mistress arriving and departing. Ironic really, that he should now wish to see her crowned alongside himself.’

‘I’ve always thought of you as a loyal subject of the Crown, Anthony.’

‘Oh! Indeed. Never more so, but then to coin an old military phrase, one salutes the uniform, not the man.’

A few weeks later I found myself sheltering from the rain, under a canopy, part way along the harbour side. ‘Captain!’

‘Anthony! Not like you to be lurking in the shadows.’

‘Yes, I normally leave that sort of thing to Charlie.’

‘She’s not here I take it?’

‘I’ve not taken her fully into my confidence yet, have you time to walk and talk?’

‘All the time in the world old boy.’

‘I suspect you may be becoming persona non grata with the council, or the harbour authorities at least.’

‘I know. That’s the only downside to the move.’

‘Ever thought of just sailing off to the next bay along, I mean what with your naval connections and the potential of your craft as a training vessel?’

‘I’d have moved some little time ago, were it not for those shits who run the marina there.’

‘The marina company are under new ownership; I’m pleased to report.’

‘Who?’

‘Specifically, the Fell Mining Corporation.’

‘Good lord!’

‘But as part of a new collaboration with my family trust and other prominent local businesses, working title, Steam West.’

‘The marina company operated from the old railway land of the GWR, the locomotive sheds, where the turntable used to be, that meant control of access to the wharf, also once owned by the railway. They posed as a benevolent force, were quiet heavy investors in the preserved railway, but in practice they blocked any attempts at real restoration.’

‘Not anymore.’

‘Now that is something I’d like to see; doubt I’ll live long enough though.’

‘You could play a major role in it.’

‘How?’

‘Do you have any contact with those who command your old alma mater?’

‘My dear fellow, the place is run by the daughters of my contemporaries!’

‘Well, we both know what that’s like.’

‘Er?’

‘You see, the thing is, your priority as I understand it, is that the charity should have an income from the yacht, that might not mean selling her as such, you could bequeath her to the charity, then rent her out permanently, to just the one client.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Then you could rest easy seeing out your days in the admiral's cabin at The Grange. And, perhaps after cadets or ratings or whatever the terminology is, have learnt to sail coastal waters in a green, traditional way, they might care for a little volunteering at the charity...’

‘You, you... I was going to say you’ve got more front than Magdalen Place, but you’re giving that even more as we speak!’ Then after a long pause whilst staring inland; ‘It was your father who saved your old apartment building, wasn’t it?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re a good son, Anthony. Not sure why I should say that, but on-board ship one’s a kind of stand-in for everyone in authority.’

‘Thank you.’

87: I am not worthy

‘Be so good as to bring the car around Sparkwell, I’ve been invited to lunch at the club.’ There was no response, her head remained in a letter she’d been studying for sometime; ‘Not bad news I hope?’

‘Er, no. I don’t think so, here, you check it out.’

After a moment of contemplation, I said; ‘Well, may I be the first to offer my congratulations. You have ascended to the first rung of the ladder of respectability.’

‘But how has it happened?’

‘Well, as it explains, you were nominated by someone in your local community who feels your contribution should be recognised.’

‘Not you, then?!’

‘No, and they will want to remain anonymous, so you don’t make enquiries. Anyway, the details they provide get checked out by others.’

‘And this medal, isn’t it the lowest of the low?’

‘Yes, but that is the way it is meant to be. You are relatively young, the Crown hopes you will be encouraged to continue your good works, and in time, higher honours will come your way. As with all honours however, the system doesn’t always work, and some people’s contribution isn’t obvious at the time, so they suddenly get a high honour late in life. And of course, there are ways of bestowing honour posthumously.’

‘This wasn’t the Chief Constable then?’

‘I very much doubt it, at least in her official capacity, it was the fact that last time the idea came from above, that got her back up! And the more she is forced to fall-in with us, the more her seething resentment will grow, I should imagine. Although it must be said, her antipathy towards you is a lot less than it is towards me.’

‘You haven’t got a letter, why not?’

‘I don’t expect one. Most people believe I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, giving back is rather expected, and accepted as their due. “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than...” Besides, you have the advantage; “joy shall be in heaven over one sinner who repents...”

‘I’ll bring the car around.’

‘Anyway, I shall stand ready to be your consort as required.’ I continued thinking aloud as we motored into the countryside. ‘You’ll probably get your award from the Lord Lieutenant of the county, and your name will go on the Palace Garden Party list, there to mingle with whichever royal has drawn the short straw.’

‘Not Her Majesty then?’

‘No, not with her limited mobility these days. Unless of course she chooses to use her new buggy, she’s never been the sort of monarch that likes her public to parade before her.’

‘Whose giving you lunch?’

‘Frimley Coates.’

‘What does he want?’

‘I have absolutely no idea.’

‘Order what you will, my dear fellow.’

‘Well, thank you Frimley.’

‘I’ll come straight to business, then we can enjoy our food.’

‘Indeed; “When I pray, I pray. When I eat, I eat”.’

‘Saint Teresa of Avila, nice to know you appreciate the point. Er, the Prime Minister and I wanted you to know about a slight change of strategy.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘It was awfully decent of you to but in a word regarding a seat in the Commons, but we’ve concluded that it would all just take too long.’

‘I see.’

‘He wants me in government, indeed in the cabinet. Well, with Her Majesty’s gracious consent of course, and I realise I am not worthy - I shouldn’t really be telling you this but I know how discrete you are - the fact is I’m to be elevated, a little young some will say I’m sure, to the peerage.’

‘Well, let me be the first to congratulate you. You have no ambitions to lead the party?’

‘Oh, goodness, what a flatterer you are Anthony. No, I hardly think I’d unite the party, do you?’

‘Perhaps not. I say, not wishing to put a damper on things and all that, but working in the Cabinet Office as you do, you’ve not been caught up in Rory’s committee’s enquiries into conduct-under-Covid?’

‘Oh, goodness no. One was investigated of course, we all were. But I was able to offer an exemplary account of myself.’

‘Really!’

‘It’s my habit to arrive early and leave early. The church in recent years has been forced to take extra security measures, I was found, at all the times in question, to be in contemplation of less earthly pleasures.’

‘Unlike all the other Mr Cummings and Mr Gowing’s of this world.’

‘Indeed.’

‘What exactly will your job be?’

‘Well, more or less the same as now, but with the authority to implement.’

‘Anything with post-Brexit constitutional implications, which is almost everything, should you wish to make it so.’

‘Yes, rather neat, all in all.’

‘You can be a scourge on whoever.’

‘Who is that lady your companion is talking to?’ Asked Frimley over coffee.

‘Ada.’

‘Ada?’

‘Mrs Armitage, she owns one of the bungalows, hangs out here quite a lot, she’s actually one of the remaining small investors in the Park company. Didn’t realise Charlie knew her. Oh, good lord, I’ve just had a thought, no, silly idea.’

‘Go on, spit it out, confession is good for the soul.’

‘Well as you might have guessed Charlie is a real going concern these days, and so she’s beginning to acquire some savings, and her financial advisor has been urging her to make investments. As a result, only the other day, I tried to point out the ground rules. But I also said, if she wasn’t motivated by profit, but sort influence, then being a small investor could at times be extraordinarily effective, and there she is, getting cosy with a prime example.’

‘How much of the Park remains with small investors?’

‘Eight per cent.’

‘Ah well, not such a bad idea to start with an organisation you know really well.’

‘Not for me it isn’t, not when you know the testamentary intentions of the other principal shareholders!’

‘Ada, how are you?’

‘Oh, middling I’d say, and you, young man?’

‘Bearing up, bearing up. I don’t mean to interrupt your conversation, but I just wished to enquire whether the newsletter on future developments at the bungalows made sense?’

‘Oh, yes, indeed. Very exciting, especially since it won’t cost us a penny! Phase one; fibre optics, tarmac round the back and proper fencing by the end of the summer, jolly good. The timing of the rest is a bit vague though.’

‘Well, we just don’t know how much repair or rebuilding of brickwork will be needed at the stables and in the walled garden.’

‘A few of us have been having a bit of a poke about recently. We think the greenhouse at the far end can be saved, by using material from the more wrecked one.’

‘Excellent! I’ll see what the builder thinks.’

‘Of course, your uncle’s book goes into some detail, that should be some guide when it comes to the look of the place. Now then, Charlotte here has been telling me about all the advantages of being better connected, electronically that is...’

‘Oh, and whilst I think of it, have you tried the new bus service?’

‘Yes indeed. Very nice bus. Very nice driver. But I think you might be missing a trick, Anthony.’

‘Oh, really. That’s interesting.’

‘You must ask the driver about passenger’s final destinations.’

‘Ah, fine tuning the route you mean?’

‘Bit unimaginative just running a shuttle service too. It should be a circular route for parts of the journey, you can take in a lot more, but hardly add to the journey time.’

‘Thank you, Ada, you’re a great help.’

‘So, what did Frimley want in the end?’

‘I’m not allowed to say. I didn’t know you knew Ada.’

‘No, not really, most enlightening chat though.’

‘What did she have to say?’

‘She spoke in confidence.’

68: Rivals and restorations

I was lounging away an hour or so at the club one day, when I was approached by the secretary. ‘Anthony, my dear fellow, I wonder, can you tell me, in my capacity as manager of the Park, who or what the Constitution Group are? They’re seeking to book conference facilities via the website, and I haven’t a clue who one might be letting in!’

‘Ah, now, yes indeed. They consist, I think of about thirty in all, some MPs, some policy wonks plus assorted members of the governing party. All Brexiteers, but of a certain inclination, those who have a rather literal interpretation of “taking back control”, they lobby for the dismantling of all that European law accumulated over the last forty-five years or so.’

‘All Leavers, you say?’

‘Yes, but of a particular kind, there’s another group who just call themselves The Free Traders, who as you might imagine are concerned with barriers to trade, like their nineteenth century forebears. No, this lot, well the most extreme elements, would like to see the Supreme Court, taken to court under the Trades Descriptions Act, for flying under false colours. But the more sophisticated feel we should return to having just five Law Lords, properly confined within the Palace of Westminster with just one corridor to work from again! There is a body of opinion that says you can transform the countries fortunes a lot quicker if you simply repeal, on mass. Allow the common law and precedent to assert itself, so the previous law is automatically reinstated.’

‘Good lord, would that work?’

‘I’ve absolutely no idea.’

‘All sounds a bit eccentric.’

‘Of course, others simply call the Constitution Group - the Frimley Coates Supporters Club.’

‘Oh well. That’s all right. I’ll give them the go ahead then.’

‘Barmy’s back, he has the new pins, needs a bit of muscle to help in the Games Room though.’

‘Oh, right. Er, carry-on Sparkwell.’

‘Ah, she’s a game girl that one.’ Said the anonymous member sat next to me at the bar.

A while later I silently put my head around the entrance to the hallway. ‘Just hold her steady, I’m almost there Charlie.’ The two of them had begun to attract a crowd of onlookers, happy to merely watch and admire “men at work” so to speak.

‘Taught me all I know about keeping one’s back in shape.’ Someone quipped.

‘Loosened me up no end - and I’m due to collect my pension next year.’ Said another. I crept away.

A few days later, we were back. ‘Frimley!’

‘Anthony.’

‘I hear you and your cronies will be taking over the conference area for a couple of days next week. Have everything you need?’

‘Oh, I think so. Now you’re offering a dozen bedrooms it makes life easier. I should tip you the wink though, that the PM may put in an appearance. Apparently, Carrie has a cottage somewhere in the area, they’re hoping for a few days away from media intrusion. I merely mention it in case there’s any last-minute need for, well you and your companion’s skills at crowd control, so to speak.’

‘Thanks for letting us know.’

‘It does also occur to me that, my little convocation, might benefit from Wooley’s presence in the back row, as it were.’

‘Really?’

‘Extraordinary influence that rag has over the hearts and minds of the great British public.’

‘Perhaps I should leak your presence.’

‘That would be extraordinarily generous of you. Ready for a top-up?’

A week on and I was thinking it really might be judicious if we were present at the Park for day one of Frimley’s shindig. Not only had Wooley taken the bait, but Carrie had phoned the evening before to say Buffy was getting restless at the cottage and was threatening to seek an alternative sanctuary; ‘Somehow I don’t see the club working for him without your presence darling, you’re one of the few who can rein him in.’

Charlie proved hesitant. ‘So, remind me, where is the pecuniary advantage, in us doing this?’

‘Well, there isn’t one, apart from whatever fees are being collected from Coates’ mob.’

‘So?’

‘Well, it’s just about the general wellbeing of those we know and love.’

‘You mean your rather dubious acquaintances.’

‘Yes, okay, all of that. Just answer me this; wouldn’t you be feeling rather anxious and restless if you were stuck here, knowing that lot had the run of the Park to themselves?’

We planned no specific interventions you understand, beyond showing our faces everywhere and being convivial. We found the Don stoking the fire in the lounge. ‘I doubt you’ll find any interesting stories in here.’ I chided.

‘Tony! Yes, well. Frimley’s crew are still offering introductory congratulations and doing their version of an ice-breaker. I’d forgotten you don’t allow alcohol before twelve.’

‘Coffee Don?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Thank you, my darling.’ He watched her as she trailed off towards the bar. ‘Our readers like her. But it’s my proprietor who’s keen on what the constitutionalists have to say, how one spins that to our followers, god knows!’

‘What do the focus groups and reader’s panels tell you?’

‘Oh, traditionalists to the last man and woman, it’s just, how many people remember life before the EU? Where’s all this wood coming from these days?’

‘Purchased, at the normal rate from the local horticultural centre. The fact that they and the farms that supply them, are all owned by the family Trust, is a pure coincidence.’

‘Yes, of course.’

As Charlie returned and set down the tray, she said in her quiet unassuming way; ‘There would appear, gentlemen, to be a minor disturbance in the grounds...’ The Don was gone before she could elaborate. ‘At this distance, it would appear to be a band of warriors or insurgents, dodging around the golf course and approaching the far side of the lake, sir.’

On reaching the veranda window we were met by the sight of what might have been a platoon of commandos, running slightly stooped, towards the house. A darkly dressed group, around a central figure partially dressed and recognisable only too easily by the shock of hair. I was instantly transported back to school.

‘Who’s the blighter in the rugger shirt and pre-war footer bags? I’m sure I’ve seen him before.’ Said one of the older bar regulars.

‘Oh, Quentin darling, he’s the Prime Minister for goodness’ sake.’ Replied his much younger female companion.

‘Looks more like Roderick Spode, the amateur dictator.’

‘Oh, no, not another grand entrance.’ I mumbled under my breath to no one in particular.

‘You must wait for the “warm down”, it’s become quite a ritual of late.’ I turned to find Carrie at my shoulder, carrying what I assumed was Buffy’s change of clothes. ‘It all began with the protection officers trying to teach him the proper way to end a run, now it’s morphed into his version of a Maori Haka.’

‘Ah, Anthony, there you are, I was hoping for a word.’

‘You do surprise me Prime Minister.’

‘Gosh, still a little out of breath. Now then, now the crises can be presumed to be behind us, we’re anxious to move the agenda forward. The thing is, I’m often not the right person to raise issues. The media, the opposition and some of the great unwashed, seem to like it when I’m seen to be a bit out of touch, taken by surprise and forced to reluctantly concede things.’

‘Can’t say I’d noticed.’

‘Well, you never were much of a politico. Anyway, I was hoping Rory might come up with one of his ideas, make a speech maybe at one of the fringe party conference meetings next month.’

‘Since when has Rory, ever been known to have had an idea?’

‘Well, the last time you gave him one of course.’ Buffy then proceeded to outline his plan, and how I should persuade Rory, with or without the assistance of Prudence, to make a speech which would arouse support in the party and eventual cause the PM, to act. He then realised he was late for his appointment with Frimley’s followers.

‘See you later perhaps,’ I said.

‘No, we must be leaving for Scotland directly after my speech. We’ve been commanded to attend for a convivial long weekend at Balmoral Castle.’

29: Earnshaw's revenge

‘Charlotte!’

‘What?’

‘What, no “sir”?’

‘I’m trying to concentrate.’ I’d entered the kitchen only to find her with her head in a book entitled Vegan Enlightenment.

‘I’ve told you before, those glasses for a fiver from the chemist won’t do, you need a prescription pair. You’re a profitable going concern now, there’s no excuse.’

‘Okay, what’s your problem?’

‘Our problem is we need to get you in the club. As a member I mean, not being forever signed in as a guest. It’s one thing to be in demand, we like that, quite another to be seen loitering alone in the hallway waiting for the next poor sap to come along. You have to be seen to glide in unimpeded, more to the point we need you covered by membership insurance, it won’t cover you accepting odd commissions on the sly, but it will cover you, and them, for normal personal injury stuff etc. You can’t, as yet, afford the outrageous fees, so, like with your clothing allowance, Brinkley will have to get creative. I’ll be expected to put your name forward, but that means I won’t be allowed to attend the membership committee, but I can’t think there will be a problem.’

‘What do I have to do?’

‘Fill out this form by hand, then I’ll word process it for you.’

‘That’s it?’

‘Sure. All the committee asks of itself is “who’s met her” and “does she fit in?”.’

It was about a week later, whilst idling an hour or so at the Park, that I was approached by a tall, gangling, spectacled figure. ‘Anthony old man, a word in your shell-like. Information has reached me that you and your, companion, have gone viral, in the worst way.’ It was Frimley Coates, club member and devotee, like Rory Flotterton, of the double-breasted suit. But, unlike Rory, not of the old school since he’s a left footer.

‘Really, how strange.’

‘All rather embarrassing. It seems, sources inform me, that edited highlights of your recent stay here over Christmas now appear on the world’s largest porn site.’

‘Good lord.’

‘Odd that you should have forgotten to turn off security, that sort of thing being rather your hobby and all that.’

‘What the sex or the cameras?’

‘You seem a little blasé, I don’t image Ms Sparkwell will consider the matter so lightly.’

‘Thank you for your concern Frimley, I shall investigate, the matter need go no further.’

‘But my dear fellow, it’s all over the club already!’

‘Your joking!’

‘Not in the least. I’ve tracked it down, only took eleven key strokes and four key words!’

‘Well let’s have a look then.’

‘Frimley, thought you’d be quite upset.’

After a short pause. ‘I am now, the editing is bloody awful.’

‘Well the camera positions are fixed.’

‘Yes, but it kind of misses out the best bits. My French selfies are better than this. Wait a minute, there is something a bit odd about it.’

‘I know, at first I thought the timeline was just wrong when cutting between cameras…’

‘It’s like the person who did this, didn’t quite get what they were looking at.’

‘Quite.’

‘So, why make it anyway?’

‘Well clearly not an attempt to burn us, otherwise we’d have got a copy through the post with a demand for cash or some favour. Rather an effort at public embarrassment or humiliation, one might suppose.’

‘Will it work?’

‘Well that depends as much on how we respond, as it does on anyone else.’

‘And Frimley said it was all over the club, how?’

‘Well I think I’m about to find out. Give it a couple of minutes. Twenty-five quid says it’ll be Tuffy.’

‘I’m not betting against you.’

‘But we must also ask, why all over the club? Would you want to see an intimate video of your friends going at it? It’s the outsider looking on who either gloats or offers moral censure. Here we go. Yes! Bless you my son. And he’s forwarded the original. That link looks decidedly dodgy. Now, reply unredacted, “Thanks old man”. Now that looks like the dumbest thing to do, but hopefully it will force… Yes, the systems done it all for me.’

‘So what happen? You’re secure obviously.’

‘Yes, now my system has quarantined everything with either Tuffy’s email or that of the original emailer. The thing is, it will also reach out to the cloud. One man’s security system being another man’s spyware. So, “see details”. Oh, that’s rather dull, never mind.’

‘What is?’

‘I thought this might be fun, but it seems, I can’t be certain yet, but this all comes back to the Park company’s system. This file it has just created is very fat. It’s all me, or the Park or the club, and goes round and round in circles. Too tedious for words. I suspect whoever was acting as caretaker on the 27th December - the “inside man” as it were - reviewed security, thought it interesting, then with nothing better to do, started editing it there and then on the same machine, sent it to themselves at the club presumably, then forwarded it to whoever on the membership list they thought might be prepared to offer a bung. Sometime later, it may have been the same person who distributed it to selected individuals on behalf of the Mr Big.’

‘Frimley?’

‘Well, I doubt it. He was the obvious choice for messenger precisely because he is what he seems, very conventional and true to his greed. But I do think the idea is moral outrage at my behaviour. Now, which of my enemies feels hard done by on moral grounds?’

‘Everyone you screwed over when you grabbed control the Park! What chance have I got with the club membership committee now?’ I could have done with some digital help reading her face at that moment, not anger more like sadness, despair?

‘Every chance in the world - if I have anything to do with it.’

‘Mr Coates sir, may I refresh your glass?’

‘Oh, there’s really no need…’

‘Frimley! How are you?’ I said, approaching from the other direction. ‘Anything you like on the menu, you only have to ask, on my account.’

‘No really. And the answer to your question is I only heard about it by email like everyone else.’

‘Well, not everyone else to be precise, my digital consultants tell me only three others received it and they, for various reasons, have notoriously loose tongues. You on the other hand are the soul of propriety. Have you asked yourself why you were informed of our activities?’

‘I take your point.’

‘So, who wishes to induce moral outrage at the private, adult-consenting activity of Charlotte and myself, recorded on my cameras in a building of which I am the part owner?’

‘An interesting question.’

‘Charlie’s application for membership will come up at the next committee.’

‘Indeed. Really Anthony I thought I was just giving you the heads-up! And I can assure you I hit the pause button the moment I realised…’

‘No need to explain. We believe you. You see I have a hunch as to who is so anxious to have everyone question my morals. I think, this is all about tin churches, on remote hillsides, with an east wind coming off the sea.’

‘Now that, is something I could find out about.’

‘I thought you might.’

It was one morning in spring that Charlie suddenly exclaimed; ‘This letter is addressed to the both of us.’

‘Well don’t bother with the silver salver then, open it yourself.’

‘Very grand stationary, blimey, it’s finally going to happen, Miss Prudence and the Honourable Rory, at the church of St. Mary the… and later at Crawford Park! I wasn’t informed of this.’

‘Well, I wanted it to come as a surprise.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘The thing is, this is a bit of a new venture for the Park staff, they feel confident they can handle it, but it’s just the question of crowd control that concerns them, they were rather wondering if you might be prepared to give a repeat performance of what everyone saw at Christmas.’

‘You’ve told them haven’t you, promised me to them without my consent.’

‘Now, they’ve been very tolerant about our out of hours adventures. And your membership went through without discussion apparently. And, now you have the first outfit - think of that. You won’t even have to appear at the church in a hat!’