62: The dinner party

‘Remind me, why are we doing this?’

‘Because we have been invited to be sociable, like any normal couple.’

‘Just don’t expect me to reciprocate.’

‘That’s already understood. Besides, we are merely invited to join the family for dinner, it’s not a do.’

‘Yes, but what’s Daphne’s idea of dinner when Barmy is at home?’

‘Getting the sprogs to sit-up at the table one imagines. No, but there is a massive irony to this, I admit. The two of them are living a classic, upwardly mobile, aspirational, middle class, suburban lifestyle - and schooling their children in it - and yet, they are rolling in cash and both had posher upbringings!’

‘This is going to be Mum and Dad all over again.’

‘Shades of it, yes, I would imagine.’

‘So, what do I say, about, coming over to us next time?’

‘Nothing. Look, Daphne is an ex-lover, Barmy a tech rival, this is all about them getting an entrée to the Villa so they can go over it with fine toothcomb!’

‘You mean I should relax because I’m in the driving seat.’

‘Besides, you’re going to knock them sideways with that outfit, where did it come from?’

‘Edoardo of course. Well, he did the alterations, finished it.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘He’s been acquiring a wardrobe for me. There’s this couple, part of his network, been touring warehouses during lockdown, he had them put me on their client list. “On social occasions you must be Tony’s equal, I make this happen.” He’s being very, obliging, is that the word?’

‘You know damn well it is. I’m more of a bloody consort now, I’ll try and be like the late Duke, rise above it. Oh! Use their concrete drive, pull up next to the monstrous people carrier.’

Moments later the front door opened and two teenage girls came running from the house. ‘Hi, Tony! Hello there, I’m Melisa, she’s Belinda. Mummy said it would be alright if we came out and groped your car.’

‘Be my guest.’

We left them to it and wandered in. ‘I’m in the lounge, Tony!’ Daphne was observing the drive from the window. ‘They’re too thin. I’m sure of it. What do you think Charlotte?’

‘Do they get out of breath with moderate exercise?’

‘Well no. But they’ve become gym rats now! That tires them, they’re out like a light at night.’

‘Well, that’s good.’

‘But they never eat!’

‘You mean you don’t see them eat.’

‘Well, I suppose so.’

‘They’d never keep up at the gym without a cheeseburger and fries on the side.’

‘Oh, right, I see, I think. Barmy’s in the shed, I’ll call him in. I’ve decided Tony, when the girls bugger off, to give him space upstairs. He’s very impressed with your set-up by the way.’

And a minute later; ‘Charlie! You look stunning. Welcome to Castle Gruber. You killed’em in the Games Room! “An outcome devoutly to be wished”, as your poet said. Oh! Enough said.’

‘Daddy, why don’t we have a proper car?’

‘We do, a work horse, perfect for what is required, in every respect. Besides, Tony’s car is the most dangerous on the road.’

‘Really! Because of its footprint?’

‘Because of its lack, of a footprint.’

‘How come?’

‘Use your device, both of you, I’ll give you one hour, find out all you can about it.’

‘Oh really, Barmy!’ Interceded Daphne.

‘They never explain you know, why she calls him Barmy? I know you know.’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ I replied.

‘But he never calls her barmy back!’

‘Oh, I see what you mean. Well, I suppose it must have been one day in about nineteen eighty-three, Cat Mackintosh and I were...’

‘Not at the dining table, thank you Tony. We’ll stick with current affairs.’

When they were allowed down from the table they headed outside again. Daphne advised; ‘You’d better keep a watching eye, Tony.’ So, I went back into the lounge. At first, they stared at their screens bemused, then one of them had the idea of taking pictures, they were quite systematic, front, back, side elevation and dashboard. It wouldn’t help them right now, but in days to come, picture search feedback, via whatever their personalisation was - was probably their best bet of getting anywhere!

‘Daddy, this is hopeless, it doesn’t exist.’

‘But it’s sitting outside.’

‘Are you a secret agent Tony?’

‘Certainty not!’

‘I didn’t think so, it’s just things have been a bit odd around here since Daddy started working for our side. And all our teachers are anti-Brexit!’

‘It’s a very good Academy darling.’

‘You always say that Mummy. What does “precocious” mean Tony?’

‘Trouble.’

‘Tony! Stop letting the side down.’ Exclaimed Daphne. ‘She’s laying it on, she’s normally more grown-up.’

‘I knew it, that’s what I am, it’s official, in the school report.’

Soon, Barmy announced; ‘Let’s leave these folks to it Tony, I need to update you on the latest in the office.’

After some minutes of technical talk, I asked; ‘Is your Melisa turning out like us?’

He nodded. ‘I’ve always known, it’s just in the last year or so she’s turned more like you. I mean don’t get me wrong, she could still collect a First in any science subject at a university, but she’d never do original work. Just absorbs everything, gets straight A in every subject and gets bored as hell. But the enthusiasm, is all for the social, psychological stuff.’

‘Daphne?’

‘She doesn’t see it. I always told myself if I ever had a child, I wouldn’t let the same kind of stuff happen to them as...’

‘Of course. Permission to have a go, stick my oar in?’

‘You’ll have to keep Daphne on side.’

‘Yes, that’s the only tricky bit.’

‘Well thank you for a lovely evening Daphne, I understand Barmy’s off to the other carrier now. Why don’t we arrange for the three of you to come over to the Villa for a Tea on the patio, our gardener thinks we’re in for a glorious summer.’

‘Well, I can’t guarantee they won’t gnaw at the furniture.’

‘Mother! Thank you, Tony. We would be delighted to attend, wouldn’t we Bel?’

‘Well, that was different!’

‘Wasn’t it just.’

‘Do I need a brief, on shed activities?’

‘More tech developments, but really I need to practice more with the kit I’ve got, rather than try and keep up with the latest.’

‘Daphne trailed me as an expert on health and fitness.’

‘Oh, jolly good. What did you make of the girls?’

‘Why are you asking me?’

‘Well, outsiders view, fresh perspective.’

‘They seem happy enough, Daphne’s the one who seems anxious on everyone’s behalf. Has she always turned to you, when she’s stressed-out?’

‘Pretty much.’

‘I know it works, but how? You never actually counsel her.’

‘It’s something about just being there, presence, regressing a bit to carefree youth. Paying attention, as in attending to. Creating an atmosphere of, everything’s alright with the world.’

‘Feeling safe.’

‘In a word.’

‘Two words. How did they actually meet? Did you introduce them?

‘No, no. Not my machinations at all. After school Barmy was spirited away to one of those ancient German institutes. No, they met quite independently about ten years after she and I had been an item. I don’t actually know how, never been told, but I suspect Daphne’s father had a hand in it.’

‘What was he?’

‘Something in government service.’

‘I know where she got that accent.’

‘That’s what I love about her, she uses it so well, she’s truly literate, has genuine wit, immaculate timing.’

‘Go on, out you get, whilst I garage the car, sir.’

61: Gardening leave

When it was all over, the Press were clearly divided along political lines. Some asserted the conference was a great embarrassment to all right-thinking internationalists and a personal humiliation for the Prime Minster; others declared Britain was back, taking up its historic role as a leader on the global stage. Charlie was now so trusting of her fellow club members; she didn’t bat an eyelid at The Beacon’s treatment of her photos from the shenanigans in the Games Room.

One of the advantages of our side-by-side desks in the Media Room, was the uninterrupted view they afforded of the entrance to the avenue, the spot favoured by our Postie for leaving the van. Early one morning in late June, Charlie suddenly jumped up; ‘There’s at least a couple of letters, I hope there’s nothing distracting, I promised to get Kenneth’s gardening supplies this morning.’

Upon her return she thrust an invoice, come receipt, come cheque, into my hand. ‘What’s all this about?’ She enquired.

‘It’s a cheque from The Beacon, for services rendered. Not a bad little earner.’

‘I didn’t know photos were worth so much, I’ll pay it into the bank.’

‘Er, I’d hold fast on that one, for a week or so, if I were you.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, the short answer is your tax status just changed, the longer answer is you may just have taken a jump in your social status and career prospects.’

‘What?’

‘You, are in need of the best financial advice, and I don’t mean Brinkley!’

‘Go on.’

‘The date on this advice. That, if I’m not mistaken, is when you first had a proper sit-down chat with Wooley at the club, ages ago, and he took that snap of you in your fitness kit. This is him, or perhaps his proprietor, paying you for what eventually became the Page Three story. There may be a second cheque, perhaps twice the size, for the Games Room photos. They’ve bounced you, with a paper trail, into the official economy. How much have your tips come to in the last year?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe five grand.’

‘You need to start keeping a cash book, and start paying it all into a bank, start using card payments whenever possible.’

‘But I’m not going to be liable for much more tax, am I?’

‘Who knows, you may slip into a new code or category! Brinkley can do your books, but all this needs to be done, and seen to be done, properly. We need to end your employee status and make you self-employed. It’s time for you to meet the Banker, and this cheque is going to be your letter of introduction.’

‘Oh yes, and who might that be?’

‘Archie Layton, not sure of his job title this week, but he is number two at the National Bank in our great cathedral city, in other words, the new bank, three doors down from the old bank, he handles all business emanating from the latter.’

‘You want me to change banks?’

‘No, Archie will have you, wanting to change banks! He’s about your age. He thinks what the Trust does is just, oh so quaint and terribly amusing, he’ll have you with a portable chip and pin machine in your bag before you can say, “Step this way, sir”.’

In the days that followed, it became my habit, after spending an hour or so on father’s papers, to wander through to the bedroom window and stare down into the garden. One day I found myself squatting - it wasn’t the precise view, but close. The colour, the layout, and with the window slightly ajar, the smell, the distant sound of voices. I decided I’d better go and find myself some human interaction. Coming out of the pantry door, I walked in on the conversation.

‘We have a duty to our ladies and gentlemen Sparkwell... Good afternoon, sir.’

‘Oh, blimey! Not you as well Kenneth? I don’t think I could cope with being dragged down another rabbit hole. Cease and desist. Now, you two, bring me up to speed with the garden. I promised you both there would be action on renovating the shed and the possibility of a couple of cold frames. Where would they go in relation to your revived composing?’

I was given another tour. ‘Have you found the right kind of carpenter then?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Not exactly, I’m thinking of the guy, and his mate, who came to the rescue of the walled garden at Checkley Manor about ten years ago, if they’re still around. I shall have words with Gregson.’

‘Rather you than me, he sees you as the heir apparent, I’m just the hired hand.’

‘Well, you can’t have it both ways at the same time, you can switch roles back and forth with me but it doesn’t work with others unless you, can make them play along. And as I say, I can only take so much of it anyway.’

‘I’ll make the tea.’

‘You’ve upset her now.’

‘Good lord, have I?’

‘You’ve just told her she can’t have it all! She may be all for living in the moment, but she has a romantic view of the future. She’s had it tough in the past, so much so obvious, but you’ve made her feel deserving of it all. She needs to add the art of being the game and gallant loser to her repertoire. They don’t get that, those reformers at Beaconsfield.’

‘I’ll remember that.’

‘She doesn’t play sport; she rescues the injured. And does she know that you are content to be a big fish in small pool?’

‘I know you’d never have got away with this kind of park bench philosophy with my aunt, she’d have shut you down within half a sentence.’

‘Indeed, she was a master at evading the issue, or perhaps just asserting her own priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having more fun than I’ve had in a long time.’

‘We’d better set up the table and chairs.’

‘We can probably leave them out now, I’m told we’re in for a long and glorious summer.’

‘Now whose being romantic about the future!’

When Charlie returned from her first encounter with the Banker, I was anxious to know how it went; ‘Well?’

‘He’s back-dated me to the beginning of the financial year, apparently I’ve so far done freelance work for The Beacon, twice, had a short-term contract with the government, will collect expenses as a Trustee, been continuing with a now ‘annually negotiated’ contract as a consulting Carer for the charitable arm of the Trust, collected fees from clients as a physical therapist - and he wonders, why the club don’t keep me on a retainer for being their chief trouble-shooter!’

‘And you signed-up for whatever accounts best facilitate such activities?’

‘Archie said never use a bank teller again, always see him when paying in, so I get a free update on what’s happening, whilst he can demonstrate to the bank it’s him who’s bringing the business in. That way, he gets to judge if charges are ever appropriate.’

‘Excellent.’

‘Nice to be treated like, somebody.’

‘Quite right.’

‘He gave me a bit of inside gossip too.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘You are aware I take it, sir, of the ongoing saga of posh London estate agents, County Estates.’

‘Well, yes, one of the long-time Brinkley, Bernard conspiracies.’

‘Well, it’s happened, the money has anyway, the old bank will shortly have estate agents on the ground floor, accountants on the first and solicitors on the second. What happens in the attic?’

‘Just a couple of storage rooms. The next time you push a wad of folding money across Archie’s desk you might say, Tony sends his regards and does anyone know what is in the old bank’s safe in the basement? It’s one of the great mysteries, one that alluded father too, apparently.’

60: Charlie, diplomat

At what point it dawned on individual conference participants that there would be no grand dining, and that like Victorian children they would have to make do with high tea every evening, was difficult to tell. Indeed, should they require anything approaching a supper, this would need to be negotiated in advance with Charlie, the food itself having to be set aside from tea, and stored in the small fridge behind the bar. However, at tea on the second day, in what appeared a coordinated manoeuvre, both Germany and the US stepped down from the table, and took their full plates to sit, fireside.

‘How are you finding the English at home, Mr President?’

‘I’m Irish myself.’

I immediately told Barmy to listen-up, there being such an easy play at this point, one that could kill such potential cosiness at a stroke, Buffy was bound to use it.

‘In Germany we do not have this obsession with family history.’

‘Of course.’

‘There is only one small class of people who do, families whose ancestors were involved in unification in the nineteenth century or pioneers in industrial development.’

‘Don’t tell me, they just happened to be related to all the aristocratic princelings or whatever.’

‘Precisely so.’

I managed to get a split screen for Barmy, Charlie piling crumpets onto a large plate, whilst Buffy stood by, anxiously thrusting and parrying at an imaginary foe with the toasting fork. Charlie then followed Buffy, back into the combat zone.

Squatting between them, focusing on the fire, Buffy opening with; ‘The Irish have always, until recently, had the advantage over us when it comes to genealogy, impeccable hard-copy records, a mass of leather-bound indexes, they’ll even give you the port of exit. There’s not a street in England that doesn’t have personal connections to the whole of the island of Ireland, and Scotland and Wales, even those now filled with recent migrants from the Commonwealth. I understand some family history buffs are already on your case Mr President, they can place your lot in Sussex for generations. And there’s not a village in Ireland without some English blood. I don’t know if either of you have had one of those genetic tests for ancestry? The more reputable firms give their answers as ninety-four per cent or whatever, British stroke Irish, not because they can’t tell, but because there is no difference. Break it all down further, one day they’ll just say Atlantic fringe, not Celtic fringe, all the way from the Baltic to the Pyrenees. Everyone else is just northern European, even St. Patrick himself, made his way up the east coast of England in the footsteps of others, before Scotland, before Ireland, before spreading the good word to the western half of England.’

By now, the whole room appeared to have fallen silent.

‘We are Ireland’s largest trading partner, and most of the rest comes through English ports, en-route. What with Brexit and the pandemic, they’ll come a time when Ireland can’t afford its dues to the EU, you may well chuck them out, if you’re still around. We’ve never left Ireland, we never shall. We’ve just had the one hundredth anniversary of the borderless border with the six counties, next year sees the anniversary of the creation of the Irish Free State. Dublin, once known as the first city of the empire, will get whatever it needs. Everyone is looking forward to the publication of the digitised nineteen twenty-one census later this year, comparable with the existing nineteen eleven. That’s going to put to bed the missing pieces of the Great War, the flu pandemic, oh, and the Irish Risings too. Now if all that doesn’t terrify you, it should, unless you feel you have the stomach for the fight. Crumpets anyone? I believe it’s Irish butter today, Sparkwell?’

‘Yes, fully-salted, Prime Minister.’

After a long pause, the US President broke the silence; ‘You’re fast Buffy, I’ll give you that, not as slick as “flash Dave”, but maybe that’s just as well.’

Later, once Charlie had prepared the Games Room, Buffy gathered them all in the hallway. ‘You’d better give us all a briefing Sparkwell - she often serves as referee on these occasions, plus offering physio to the injured, naturally.’

‘Very good, sir. No alcohol and no betting permitted. Participants may only leave the room between completed games. Four games are available, firstly the Pool Table, no explanation required, secondly Darts, fear not, the automatic scorer will register any dart that stays on the board, set to 501. VR, the permitted zone is clearly taped on the floor, headsets currently allow duelling with sabres or single-shot pistols, the flight simulator, currently offers Spitfire Mark II or Messerschmitt 109, daylight runway, nearest thing to east coast England as we could make it. Referee’s decision is final. Good luck everyone.’

South Korea, narrowly beat Japan to the flight simulator. Turning on his heals Japan immediately made a grab for one of the headsets and promptly challenged the rest of the world to a duel with swords, Australia was the first to step forward. The US suggested to Canada they should partner for Pool, France and Italy reluctantly joined them. Meanwhile Buffy, began practicing throwing darts, before offering to teach the remainders.

‘Always aim for the treble twenty, no matter what the outcome, eventually it’ll come down to singles to finish, by which time you won’t care and magically hit what you need...’ It never ceased to amaze me how even the most politically experienced seemed to find it impossible to see beyond the smokescreen of blather and tomfoolery. He doesn’t care what you think, he’s been saying “fuck you” to you all for so long, yet still your own vanity, stops you seeing the absence of it in him. It’s the outcome that counts. And it’s no good catching him out on some technicality, he’ll take the punishment, then come back smiling. They don’t even notice his biggest tell, the glint in the eye, just as he’s about to begin the next whopper. Inside he’s laughing at you, at the prospect of getting away with something, anything!

When I came back from my reverie, Charlie and Germany could be seen standing beside the now vacant flight simulator; ‘But this machine, I see it is German made. How did it get here?’

‘I know no details madam, legend has it that it was a university-built prototype that never got adopted.’

‘I have seen such things before, made to be portable, for training amateurs who want to fly their own planes. Is it difficult to learn?’

‘It is intended to train those with no experience, only you will know how well or badly you are doing.’

‘Very well.’ And with that she climbed into the cockpit.

In time the game playing slowed, the politicians turned to spectating and talking about games. Soon everyone was watching the flight simulator, the only game left in progress. Germany was of course wearing headphones and clearly into the game - leaning left and right, forwards and backwards - but somewhat out of sync with the roll of the machine itself. Now as the rest of the room became quieter, her own commentary to herself became ever more audible. Her audience began to smile and exchange glances.

I noticed Barmy’s jaw had visibly dropped; ‘What’s she saying?’

‘I’d rather not say. You know how at school, teachers called rude words, Anglo-Saxon, and talked about English having Germanic roots...’

‘Oh, lord! Do you think anyone in the room understands?’

‘I doubt it. Anyway, she seems to have moved on from fighting the English, to having a go at the Slavs...’

We were interrupted by the sound of a loud crack and thud as the hydraulics suddenly collapsed and the pod came to rest at an odd angle.

Charlie rushed forward; ‘Buffy!’

‘How bad Charlie?’

‘Fetch the trolley, this one requires a spa treatment.’

As people gathered around the stricken Chancellor, Charlie stepped back from the crowd, and a moment later, images started downloading.

59: Sparkwell and the politicians

Early on arrivals day, Barmy and I worked on some ‘rules of engagement’ for the Summit. Keeping half an eye on the network news on one part of our screens, we came to an informal understanding. We’d both save to external drives only what we put-up on the shared part of our screens, two copies of the same stuff. It was to be private, only viewed in the presence of family and friends, no online sharing. There would be a cooling off period of two weeks, of locking the external drives away, even if others requested a viewing.

‘This is like group work at school.’

‘Oh, I do hope so.’ I replied.

‘What can you offer me?’

‘Three possibilities, outside chance of four.’

‘Don’t be such a tease, I’ve already said you’ll get aerial photography all today until sundown.’

‘Right, well as you’ve probably worked out for yourself, the conference area cameras are state of the art but they will likely be the most boring; officials at desks, drafting communiques. The cameras in the Games Room are quite good for sound and vision, they move but are controlled from the Park’s security desk. Buffy wants the leaders alone in the lounge, bar and dining area as much as possible, but those cameras are static, not high quality and the sound is a bit pathetic according to Charlie.’

‘How does she know?’

‘Ah, well, yes. After the amateur revenge porn incident, she applied a little pressure on the perpetrator, fixed it so he could keep his job provided he acquiesced to any small favours she might ask. Anyway, a year or so ago when Daphne and I were having one of our lunches she took it upon herself to watch us on camera.’

‘You know, always the student one day displaces the tutor.’

‘It will come to us all no doubt.’

‘And the fourth possibility?’

‘If Charlie gets the chance to take any still images, or video come to that, on her work mobile which has automatic back-up to here. I may share I may not, Buffy may want some of it leaked to The Beacon, but Wooley will have to pay, one way or another.’

The arrivals provided some good dramatic introductory material for any future private show, politicians emerging from various forms of air transport looking somewhat lost and bemused. The first developing situation to truly draw us in was the moment Uncle appeared to depart from the script of the meet and greet. This opening encounter unfolded in the form of a proper high tea, taken sitting-up in the dining area. The esteemed relative appeared to be drawing his speech to a close when he paused for a second or two. Experience told me something would happen; ‘Listen-up Barmy!’

‘I really cannot let this occasion pass, without passing comment, on just how privileged you are going to be over the next few days, you are being served by no less a personage than Charlotte Sparkwell here. I could say that she has agree to demean herself by waiting on you all, but that, as you will discover, would be patronising to her, in the extreme; she is, as you will discover a force to be reckoned with, and as the partner of my nephew, the co-owner alongside myself of this palatial pile - you should close your ears to this Prime Minster, perhaps now is the moment to do the sausages, you seem to have got the fire well away. Now where was I? Oh yes, my nephew was at school with your official host, so you can be sure he has briefed Sparkwell in any salient facts, she is also a fully paid-up member of the club which normally rents this space, indeed one notable, female club wit, refers to her as the Valette, a not altogether inaccurate description. Anyway, enough said. I close, by simply saying, good luck to you all.’

There was a moment of silence as Uncle sat down, then enthusiastic applause from Japan, South Korea and Australia. The others remained stony-faced, except Canada and France who looked positively terrified.

‘Oh, good lord, well that’s my briefing to Charlie out the window, anything could happen now!’

‘I think she is blushing, ya?’

‘She won’t like it if she becomes the centre of attention.’

The next incident of note occurred soon after breakfast the following day, India was leaning back on the fireguard, warming himself. Germany had already grabbed the most comfortable of the fireside seats. ‘Excuse me Prime Minister, it might be safer if you stood forward a little, our Prime Minister appears to have been a bit too enthusiastic, throwing so many logs on the fire, it may take off at any moment.’

‘Yes, eh, thank you Sparkwell. Now what’s the expression, “bull in a china shop” I think.’

‘Very apt, sir.’

‘You know I still have to deal with some older civil servants who modelled themselves on the British, one or two even had an English education.’

Then Germany joined in; ‘I was always told the English upper classes have excellent table manners, seeing Trumpton consuming his breakfast has disabused me of that!’

‘The Prime Minster is not upper-class, madam. He received his education entirely through scholarships.’

‘I see. I could not help but notice Sparkwell, but you are much better dressed than our host.’

‘My employer is most generous, and provides a clothing allowance.’

‘So, what is your usual job?’

‘I’m employed by the Trust which is part owner of the house and parkland.’

‘But I thought that was your husband, the Earl’s nephew?’

‘Almost indistinguishable madam. Legally, to avoid a conflict of interest, I’m accountable to the Trustees, although if the work is charitable, I am one of the Trustees.’

‘Ah, yes, British business law, we are familiar, not like on the continent.’ So mused India.

‘Yes, but what do you actually do?’ Insisted Germany.

‘I think the answer, as you rightly observed Chancellor, is in her clothing. When his lordship referred to her as a Valette, he meant a female valet, manservant.’

‘In point of fact madam, we are not married, indeed only a few months ago I was forced to seriously considering alternative employment. Arrrrh...’

‘What on earth’s the matter child?’

‘A screeching noise in my ear, I do apologise madam.’

‘You’re wearing an earpiece?’

‘For my music, madam, when I’m behind the bar with nothing to do.’

At which point Buffy came into view, and a second or so later the fire suddenly took off. ‘Ah, always Buffy “five seconds to midnight” Trumpton - as we say in Germany!’

‘Nice to warm the cockles, bit chilly still this morning.’

‘It’s the only source of heating in the damn building Trumpton.’ Asserted Germany.

‘So much like summer in the mountains, and no end of what you insist on calling rhododendrons.’ India appeared to have started enjoying himself.

‘There’s been a leak Charlie, I’m sorry, mark my words, I’ll have words.’ Buffy appeared to hand her a copy of The Beacon. I pulled up the website; Buffy Protection Officer’s Sextape Agony PAGE THREE EXCLUSIVE.

The article about Charlotte was illustrated with an alluring picture of her in full yoga kit. The words could have been written by Wooley at any time in the last eighteen months, with the addition of ‘Buffy’s personal protection officer’ and ‘Navy pin-up’. The words ‘massage’ and ‘yoga’ were liberally sprinkled throughout. The by-line, Stella January, and the expression, ‘super-fit, with a hint of mucky’ were something of a giveaway however. But it all helped to provide a fun tribute, totally void of salient or intrusive details; the Don had clearly got to know his subject well and valued his continuing membership of the club.

During the morning coffee break, Germany sort to strike up a conversation again. ‘Sparkwell, it said in that despicable article Trumpton insisted on showing us, that you are qualified in massage as well as yoga and sports physiotherapy.’

‘Yes, madam.’

‘And you are involved with the spa here?’

‘Only informally, madam, as a member of the club, I try to see that standards are maintained, it’s a newish venture, quite modest in its way.’

‘But the whole place is called a spa?’

‘Yes madam, but the spring itself is small, the whole of the estate is high in the valley, close to the source of the river, so there is a limited water supply anyway. We take nothing from the public supply.’

‘I was disappointed the facility would not be open to us, I am use to regular weekly treatments. I was wondering if you could possibly make yourself available one evening?’

‘Alas madam, I’m under contract to the Prime Minister twenty-four seven, throughout the conference.’

‘Quite right to.’ So said Buffy, walking into shot once more. ‘Besides Charlie here has been delegated to supervise the evening entertainments!’

58: Matters of trust

‘Oh, there you are.’

‘I’ve just finished a session with Tuffy. He wants me to tell you some stuff.’

‘Coward!’

‘This is difficult. He, really doesn’t know you at all does he?’

‘Well, that thought has occurred, down the years, more often than I care to think about.’

‘And, there’s something about you, sometimes I’m not sure you care about him at all.’

‘Look, you’re right there is something a bit-off about our relationship. Perhaps if I just say; it’s Tuffy’s parents who hold a place in my heart, okay. I mean you might expect  Aunts to step forward in a crisis and all that, right. But Tuffy’s parents I just instinctively liked, and they liked me.’

‘I get it.’

‘Tuffy, just came as part of the package.’

‘Tuffy chickened-out, because he thinks you will be desperately upset to know you are not going to get to be his best man, and lay on a grand show at a grand wedding.’

‘It’s not all off, is it?’

‘No, just for various practical reasons, it’s a quiet registry office thing, they’ve been in the queue and they now have a date. It’s weird, I just thought, Tuffy must know, unconsciously.’

‘Go on.’

‘He wants you to take care of his mother, at the ceremony, the reception and whilst they bugger-off for a few days.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘The other thing I have to tell you, I mean I’ve been warning him I’ve got to do this for ages, otherwise the whole situation will go tits-up, is, Lady Victoria still doesn’t know about Tuffy’s “special treatments”, sir.’

‘Holy Moses. But, all three of them have been holed-up together for over a year!’

‘Precisely, sir.’

‘Vic knows, I’m sure of it, she’s had the measure of him for over thirty years, probably his mother knows too.’

‘He still has to fess-up.’

‘Of course, he does. What about the witnesses?’

‘Us.’

‘Oh, right. And the reception?’

‘Just the five of us, at their place.’

‘What time of day is the registry office?’

‘2,00pm.’

‘Piece of cake!’

‘I imagine they will require a little more than that, sir.’

‘No, no. All you have to do is get our wicker picnic basket into the car, then into the house. I’ll do the rest. I can’t believe how easy this is going to be. When we were kids, Tuffy’s papa had this kid’s party routine with some magic tricks, simplest misdirection and sleight of hand, but very impressive, even with the adults. Mrs Tufnell will know precisely where they are. What?’

‘That new work done on the chaise longue, it requires thorough crash testing, now.’

A few days later Charlie received a thick wad of paper through the post from Merriweather and Stollard. ‘Is this it?’

‘I imagine so.’

‘They think I should make a prompt appointment to come in to sign, with witnesses, plural?’

‘Well, I imagine everyone else is waiting on you having a free moment, you being so important and all that, for the next few weeks. Everyone really needs to be on board before the Park’s contract with the government kicks in. Brinkley’s back, he needs to sign, along with others, Bernard probably wants to do you all as a job lot.’

‘Why the urgency?’

‘Ah, well. The smaller document is all about permissions to change the Trust, the big one, the thing itself. Now, there is a sense in which, since the old Trust, as it were, becomes null and void, so does, in effect, for all practical purposes, some of its past activities. From the moment it comes in to force, the new Trust is, “squeaky clean and state of art”, to use Bernard’s phraseology...’

‘Certain things get swept under the carpet and stay there.’

‘I say, that’s rather a good way of putting it.’

‘So, what’s become of my mission statement, it’ll take me weeks to read this, let alone understand it.’

‘Well, it couldn’t be reproduced directly, it’s all about the future, our priorities can only be embedded in the law as it is today. We can only start, continue or stop on the basis of the current situation. I’ve found your intentions in at least twenty places so far though.’

‘Give me a couple examples then.’

‘So, as you know, basically we’re talking about residential and commercial buildings in various towns and farmland in the countryside. So, take Melbury Buildings…

‘I wish someone would.’

‘Agreed. I’d happily see it blown-up tomorrow. An appalling Modernist monstrosity, but a cash cow, in terms of the rents. Now, the Trust now says it will seek listed status for all its property. And what’s more it will seek to restore and enhance all. So, as soon as the Trustees start meeting, anyone is entitled to say that steps should be taken immediately to dispose of the above mentioned. Now, financially that is a double blow to the Trust, the cost of restoration-type work on the property we want to keep is astronomical, so we now have online retail and investment, website and social media innovation, behavioural…’

‘Your American investments.’

‘As you say, the Trust need not be restricted. It won’t be dependent on me gifting wads of cash after the event.’

‘And in the country?’

‘Well, for a start all that knocks out modern building on green field sites. But of course, you still get more and more clauses to allow small outhouses on farms provided they are essential utilities built in a style sympathetic to the etc. GMOs are out, trials in the gene-edited allowed. High intensity for animals out, set aside and woodland in, as existing contracts are fulfilled, tenancies fall vacant etc. See what I mean?’

‘I’ll phone now.’

That evening, when Charlotte returned from prep at the Park; ‘You know, having to work to a timetable is doing my head in. I almost joined everyone in the bar.’

‘Well, your membership does entitle you to booze your way through on the house wine for free, should you require it.’

‘No, staying sober whilst others... Well, it’s one of the few advantages I have. Read this.’ It was a three-page student handout like thing, on protocol when interacting with the eleven principals, being culturally aware etc. ‘I’ll never remember it all, I can’t instantly absorb like you.’

‘You won’t have to. So, whose been trying to tutor you in all this?’

‘Some Cabinet Office type.’

‘Who no doubt photocopied most of this from some EU manual. Buffy doesn’t want this.’

‘Go on.’

‘In essence, what is the club?

‘An English boarding school in an old country house, dominated by your lot who were all at the same school!’

‘You are only the waitress, you only understand the Queen’s English, you only speak when spoken to, you automatically serve coffee at eleven, if they want something else, sorry sir, we only have hot water in the coffee machine, they’ve already discovered the heating is off because it’s summer, it’s a Friday, you take it for granted you’ll be serving fish, there are only ten of them, hopefully, including Buffy as host so he’s in charge of the open fire, all the bag carriers are banished to the conference area making do with a cold spread. Besides, you’ve automatically been making sure our spring water and clean glasses are on all the tables.’

‘That’s brilliant.’

‘You are all body language; what FBI forensics would call a natural. All the nine guests, providing the EU can be banished to the ballroom, are as common as muck and only got where they are by ducking and diving, now they have expectations, they think they are entitled. All they get from you is, on first greeting each day, Good morning Prime Minister or Mr President or whatever, then sir or madam. The only person they can turn to is Buffy, I say Trumpton this girl is refusing me, whatever, that’s no girl that’s Sparkwell, treat her right she can get you anything smuggled-in, suddenly you are the Maître d’hôtel, the Concierge. Buffy has them trapped there; they, have to get on, with you.’

‘Buffy wants to start a bun fight?’

‘He wants them, to start one. At some point they’ll discover the Games Room, only then you’ll have them all, including Buffy.’

‘And when all this is going down, you just happen to be catching up on old times with Barmy.’

‘You worked that one out then.’