39: The flying visit

‘You have my permission to stop, that’s the third time your device has pinged.’

‘Not when I’m just getting into my work!’ We’d left the door of the treatment room ajar. It was an hour later that I finally checked my mobile device. There were three texts from Prudence, each purporting to be more urgent than the previous. Leaving Charlie at rest, I decided to call Prudence. ‘Yes, yes, I see ..and you’re going along with it? I see. Umm. Well I see no reason in principal, tell me, when is this all meant to happen? Tomorrow! Charlie!’

‘Sir?’

‘Good Lord, there you are. I’ll call you back in thirty minutes Prudence.’

‘So?’

‘Buffy, our new PM, not ten days into the job, wants a working breakfast at the Park tomorrow.’

‘Well what’s wrong with the silly tart just bothering the Secretary!’

‘I say! I’ve never heard another woman, call a woman a silly tart before. I thought that was a term of endearment reserved for us chaps?’

‘Oh shut-up!’

‘Actually, she’s already done that, he said fine and that he’d put a reserved sign on a couple of the larger tables. Prue, doesn’t think he appreciates the situation and wants me to exert oversight - from 6,00am when the first chopper arrives with advanced security. Apparently they’ll all want hot coffee and doughnuts whilst they liaise with the local constabulary, the Chief Constable herself will be taking full operational control. But that’s by the by, what Prue really means is there needs to be someone there from the Park who knows how Buffy operates, someone who knows what Buffy’s idea of a working breakfast is! We shall comply, pack an overnight bag, now - if you would be so kind.’

‘What’s it got to do with me? And why tonight?’

‘Because there is money to be made.’

‘How?’

‘By keeping Buffy’s chopper on the ground as long as possible. I am hoping you will disarm everyone with your famous feminine charm - the magician requires the distraction of an alluring assistant.’

‘What, whilst you piss in the helicopter’s fuel tank!’

‘Metaphorically speaking, yes.’

After one short conversation with the Sec - intended to keep him in the dark as much as possible - need to know and all that, and after briefly reassuring Prue that I’d be prudent, we were on the road.

‘The thing is, Buffy’s idea of a working breakfast is him tucking in and barking orders between mouthfuls, better not to sit directly opposite him on these occasions.’

‘But you said he’d chided you about self-discipline, diet, exercise - needing me.’

‘Chided. I like that word. You must use it more often. Yes, Buffy has an abiding love of the full English and has had it built into his regime since university, when he added it to his school practice of an afternoon run. It’s his one hot meal of the day. I think he must have caught the habit after staying in a few old-fashioned hotels where you could order the full works, then later ask the waiter for extra toast or pinch it from your companions.’

‘Does it work?’

‘Not noticeably, but it’s the absolute belief in its efficacy that counts I suppose.’

‘Or he could just be a cheap-skate.’

‘That too.’

We rose at 5,00am the following morning to do our prep, mainly rearranging furniture according to my understanding of proxemics and Charlie’s instincts. Then, in full dress uniform, she systematically herded the police, the security detail and finally the camp followers who arrived with Buffy himself. 

‘Good morning Prime Minister.’

‘Ah, Anthony, you here.’

‘Well, someone has to keep an eye on the silver, all original you know, Uncle’s crest emblazoned all over it.’

‘You forget, someone had me blackballed from that varsity dining club you all belonged to, the one where you had to pinch something to get elected.’

‘Oh yes! Happy days. How’s Carrie?’

‘You know I think she may be losing her touch, at the advance election planning meeting, she told the assembled company that if I gave her a baby and a pet dog, she could swing a dozen marginals on her own!’

‘What did the Mr Cummings and the Mr Gowing make of that?’

‘Oh, they just nodded sagely, they think she’s a bloody oracle.’

‘Well, I’ve always admired her ability to make stuff happen.’

‘Since you’re here, we plan on doing all our own media, freeze the bastards out, I’ve told people to consult you about that.’

‘Thanks very much! Ad hoc mind you, voluntary only. Contact direct. Just, no one else in the loop okay.’

‘Nice of you to clear the place out.’

‘My able assistant can do her maître d’hôtel act all day if required. So the harbour, then the hospital. Since when have you been interested in fish?’

‘Other way around, Rory and I can’t serve lunch on the ward in a plastic piny if we’re stinking of fish!’

‘Gosh, the things one has to know in your line of work.’

‘I want you in the group photo on the fish quay. Prominent local businessmen introduced to PM by local MP - and no we don’t remember each other from school and Uni.’

‘Okay, just don’t expect me to expound on fishery policy and international maritime law. Strictly speaking of course, I’m a member of the opposition and not the only one within these walls.’

‘Ha! Rat fucking.’

‘We’re both far too young, merely a legend.’

‘Word to the wise, they’ve closed that loophole in the rules and are now a little more tech savvy, so put the word around that when the annual reminder drops through the door, everyone quietly ignores it.’

‘Now then, here’s the bill for unfettered use of the Park until 6,00pm.’

‘Bloody hell!’

‘Sorry, you don’t get the twenty per cent discount until next time. Oh, and whilst we’re about it, if you want conference facilities, that is, the ballroom and the two adjoining withdrawing rooms, we’ll need a couple of weeks’ notice, we haven’t actually acquired the mobile, flat-packed TED style kit yet.’

‘You’re presuming a lot.’

‘Am I? You like cosy and discrete as much as I do. I grant you we’re never likely to be up to a G7 or a NATO summit.’

‘You might be surprised.’

‘But this year’s NATO will surely be a grand affair, seventy years and all that, you could actually hold it on board HMS Queen Elisabeth.’

‘You’d never get to the top in politics. No, no, that’ll all be very low key, all that happens at a cheap hotel conference place just off the M25, I’ve used it before. Our American cousins can wander in dazed and confused, then wander out again. Nobody, but nobody gets within a hundred miles of Portsmouth. Strictly royal standard bearers only for those two beauties.’

‘Anyway, I shall leave you now, before the other egg and fried slice go cold.’

As I wandered out, I discovered who was next in line. ‘Frimley! What on earth are you doing here?’

‘The PM asked me to join him, he’s made me an offer which I’m inclined to accept. I’m here to give him my answer. He wants me to be his special advisor on constitutional matters.’

‘How Pooterish of you.’

‘Come again.’

‘Wouldn’t do for me, I suppose I’m too much of my own man. You do realise you’ll be expected to join him in his full English? He’s not reached the toast and marmalade yet.’

‘Oh, good lord, surely not? I was rather hoping for my usual boiled egg.’

‘I rest my case.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Don’t mind me, catch you later, at the fish quay perhaps?’

As it happened, the whole day was over by 5,00pm. Buffy was last seen entering his chopper alone. The bag carriers, having elected to spend the day at the Park, decided to cram into the other conveyance, something about the smell of fish. Hence, Charlie and I could have a quite evening in, watching the reporting of the day’s events.

‘Trumpton’s detail had a female distraction too, only she was a blond. They implied they knew all about us.’

‘Inevitable I guess. Pick up any useful tips?’

‘They were really friendly, wanted me to know stuff.’

‘You’ve got the touch.’

‘Blimey! I haven’t even sorted the post.’

‘I’m not expecting anything.’

‘Crikey! Another addressed to the both of us. And it’s another invitation too. 

‘Well, you’re in demand now. A key contact in the social register of everybody whose anybody.’

‘We are, “cordially invited to the opening of The New Realist Gallery... any time after 11,00am on...” what on earth is this?’

‘Haven’t a clue.’

‘Well you usually do. Oh hang on, I’ve missed the small print “Reg. Co. Dir. Lady Victoria Herring”.’

‘Ah, so he hasn’t said anything to you?’

‘Who?’

‘Tuffy, I mean he confides more in you than me these days. That’s the Lady Victoria I was trying to steer him towards a while ago. He’s kept that dark, fifty quid says he’s the goffer on the door when we turn up.’

(End of season three – season four will commence in the New Year!)

38: The state of my estate

‘A solicitor’s letter, sir.’

‘Seriously? Oh, I see what you mean’. There on the Charlie’s silver salver, which she had so thoughtfully shoved in my face, was what can only be described as a fake envelope. The printing had an authentic old-world effect, but the feel of the paper remained cheap and nasty. On investigation the letter too looked classic, but lacked weight. It took but a moment to read. ‘Shame the language doesn’t live up to the typeface, someone called Steve from “Estate planning” wants me to make an appointment with Bernard for my “five-year review”, whatever that is. Sounds like “make work” to me - prime the mind of the client with the thought that their Will must surely be out of date.’

‘Brinkley’s going the same way, he thinks they’re becoming just “so, retro”.’

‘A bit of niche marketing eh, going against the trend. Well, I suggest they fire their marketing consultant and invest the money in stationary that at least has a watermark, and start using the Queen’s English again.’

‘A lot changes in five years.’

‘True, but I can’t think of anything that effects my Will.’

‘You’re still the end of the line.’

‘Yes, but there are reams of appendices or codices, or whatever they call them, attached to the bloody thing already, all to allow the Trust to operate wholly as a charity, in perpetuity, if every family member dies off. That’s one of the reasons you were made an employee of the charitable arm of it.’

‘I see.’

‘Either this is just an excuse to collect another fee, or a ruse to get me in there because someone has tipped them the wink, that either or both of Julia’s and Uncle’s Wills have, well - implications.’

‘There is another possibility.’

‘Oh, really.’

‘Brinkley seems to have decided lately that not only is he my real boss, but also my own personal financial advisor.’

‘Cheeky sod.’

‘The other day he made a cryptic comment to the effect that wouldn’t I feel more secure if you and I were married.’

‘He means he’d feel more secure, there’s all sorts of work he could make for himself, I know that much, Bernard too, come to that.’

‘They’re pretty thick with each other, what’s the nature of their relationship?’

‘Ah, well, umm, my lips are sealed, you’ll hear nothing about that from me. You’re on your own there. Tell you what though, Brinkley’s first name is Lawrence, which of course he never uses - whenever he starts getting up my nose, I call him Larry.’

I took the lift to the top floor. As the doors opened, I was met by a beaming smile atop a body dressed like a wealthy farmer in town for market day. ‘Tony my lad, come along, Brinkley’s here to hold your hand, sit thee down. Lawrence has pinched my seat, so I’ll do the pacing up and down for all three of us. Now then, to business, the thing is, we feel you should consider updating your Will, bring it in line with the current situation.’

‘What current situation? I’ve been racking my brain; I can’t think of any changes.’

‘Well, if you really have no instructions for us? Let’s say we take the opportunity to clear the air. We worry, it’s our job to. Fifty this year Tony. More than thirty years since we first met…’

‘You know Bernard, I’m a great believer in the “need to know principle”, even, on occasion, between close friends and colleagues. Wouldn’t you agree?’

‘Oh, absolutely! You’re with us on that aren’t you Lawrence?’

‘Observing the boundaries.’

‘If you two had been formally made aware of something, you’d have put it on paper already. Instead, you want me to chat away about all I’ve been doing in the hope that I will inform you of whatever you’ve heard a whisper of.’

‘We hate gossip Tony, we like facts. You fly pretty high these days, we’re just a couple of country bumpkins really, retirement creeping up on us, getting a step slow, youth running rings around us. Expect you feel a bit like that yourself. Feeling comfortably settled with your current partner? Lawrence is very impressed by her.’

‘Met him, have you?’

‘Who?’

‘Been up against him in court? Leading counsel for the prosecution. Appeared on circuit often enough I’m told. Head of a Chambers in Middle Temple now, does a lot work for HM Treasury… She was twelve the first time she felt she had no choice but to leave...’

‘Now Tony, we don’t need to get into all of this…’

‘You want instructions? Let me tell how it’s going to be. I won’t be the least offended if you feel the need to take notes Brinkley. That Trust, with all its out mode-ed clauses was set up to protect the widows, orphans and unmarried daughters of a large extended family. And that’s precisely what it's going to continue to do, keeping them in the style to which they are accustomed, no more, no less. My Will, as presently constituted, is entirely compatible with that. If I absentmindedly fall under a bus as a result of the stress of talking to you two; then you two, as Charlotte’s employer, landlord and executor of her common law husband - the principal beneficiary of the Trust - simply follow the rules. You know, she and I we’re young at heart, in our heads we’re still twenty-one, me irresponsible and she foolishly devoted, much better if you keep a tight rein on us with my monthly allowance and her subsistence wages.’ At which point I got up leave. ‘There’s only one way that lady is ever going to walk down the aisle, and that’s if her father arranges for the bishop to preside in our ancient cathedral, with him paying for all the trimmings, you might mention that the next time you find yourself doing a fraud case on behalf a wealthy member of the county set.’

‘Tony! Let me walk you out.’

‘Now who was it, who said that advocacy has practically nothing to do with the law? Good day to you, bonny Ber-nard!’

When I arrived home, I was shocked to find Charlie sat on the sofa watching tv, for all the world like a regular member of society. ‘What on earth is going on?’

‘Your arch enemy just got sixty-five point something per cent of the vote, he’s to kiss hands with the Queen in three days.’

‘It’s, kiss the hand of, Charlie, it’s not a mutual thing.’

‘What will she make of him?’

‘I would think he’d make quite a good impression, he’s more of a royalist than any of his recent predecessors. Anyway, he had a proper upbringing, so he knows the form when it comes to protocol and all that. The only danger for him is her parting shot could well be “Oh, and Mr Trumpton - get yourself a haircut.” ’

37: Doing good by stealth

‘Oh dear, I’ve been summoned.’

‘Aunt Elisabeth?’

‘No, Daphne, old flame of my youth. “Buy me lunch, today, at the club, explain to me what my mad husband is up to”.’

‘And that makes sense to you.’

‘Not, entirely. She means sit, listen, calm her down, then explain what Barmy has done in terms she can understand. The obligations of old friendship.’

‘What has Barmy done?’

‘No idea until she tells me.’

‘I’ll drive you, I’ve a couple of projects that need attention.’

On the road I attempted an explanation of just who and what Daphne and Barmy really were, an effort to deflect any lingering doubts Sparkwell might harbour as to where my loyalties and affections lay. I concluded, as we were entering the Park, with a description of their living arrangements; ‘So, the most unlikely of outcomes as you might imagine, having grown up in a German castle he chooses to live out his life in suburban England. I mean it’s a lovely house, detached, four bedrooms, nice bit of garden front and back, garage, all mod-cons. Daphne, very spick and span domestically of course. But the man has a garden shed. Outwardly it looks quite distressed, inwardly more like the bridge of a star ship!’

‘No pudding,’ was her only response, cutting the engine.

‘I wouldn’t dream of it.’

‘Oh! Was that the Valette disappearing down the corridor?’

‘Indeed, but she’s promised to leave us in peace. So, what ails?

‘Barmy announced last night he’s moving all his family’s assets to the UK - well, all those over which he has effective control.’

‘Really! Thinks he’ll be better off post-Brexit. Well, a touching faith in UK plc I must say.’

‘It’s a bit more than that actually, he’s changing his job too, very hush-hush, he’s been headhunted by the Americans with a view to being seconded to the Royal Navy.’

‘Well I’ll be damned, gosh, so he’ll be operating by stealth in the future then?’

‘Now that’s my point, you get there in one, he spent the whole evening explaining and I can’t say I’m any the wiser.’

‘Well he’ll be bound by the Official Secrets Act now, I on the other hand… Pretty demanding work though, they say that although the hardware should have a shelf life of a couple of years, novel software could be required well, as often as your mobile insists on system updating.’

‘Right, now just stop there. Go right back to the beginning, just what is he going to be doing because he says it involves him leading periodic training on board ship.’

‘Well, difficult to know where to start. Try this, the aircraft designers are planning on this being the last piloted fighter/bomber, okay. Now that’s not just because drones can do more and more, it’s because the plane comes in kit form, each module gets updated separately over the years to come - and all that’s possible, or necessary you might say, because the bodyshell is not only the best right now, it’s impossible to improve.’

‘But that doesn’t make sense. How do they know?’

‘Well the clue is in the title. For what it is required to do, it’s the best aerodynamically you can get.’

‘And?’

‘Well you know it can’t get better because it begins to display stealth properties simply by virtue of its shape. The more, easily it moves let’s say, the less sign it leaves that it was ever there, if you see what I mean. In the end nobody invented stealth capability, it was revealed as an emergent property of the body shape itself. You then just add all the stuff you know already helps the whole thing along, the metal, the outer surface or coating, more even finer curved surfaces, less kit inside that signals it’s presence etc.’

‘But surely in time the enemy must get the same capability?’

‘Eventually, sure. But even so the game has changed.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Some wags who don’t get it, say “oh but it’s not as good in a dogfight as such and such”. It doesn’t do dogfights, it’s a mobile missile launcher, it hunts, gets close enough, releases its payload, goes home, indeed could be halfway home already, doesn’t matter, it’s the bow, the missile the arrow, only the arrow can navigate on its own, up to a point. Opposing aircraft not only don’t see you, they may well be hundreds of miles away!’

‘So what of the pilots and their latest computer kit?’

‘They, are tracking, stalking, then playing a game of short-term anticipation on their screens about future action in a real space and time they will never enter.’ I paused. ‘Barmy’s work in science, even in the schoolroom, always has been an act of imagination, that’s the real reason he got called Barmy, although I admit some of his personal habits are strange.’

‘I get annoyed with him when he stares out of the window for hours on end, that’s why I insisted on the shed. Perhaps I was unkind?’

‘No, no, we chaps understand sheds.’

‘How about one of the gooier desserts?’

‘You choose, I can never decide.’

A while later I stopped by the office, it seemed deserted, then I realised the staff must still be on lunch break.

‘If you continue to break the rules I shall have to impose counter measures.’

‘Oh, for goodness sake, where have you been hiding?’

‘I was watching the two of you, live on screen, audio wasn’t up to much, but nonetheless.’

‘Don’t tell me, you told your new asset in security to take a hike in the grounds. I’m impressed.’

‘You should be. Do I inform Naval Intelligence or were you talking total bollocks?’

‘Ask Barmy the next time you’re ministering to the injured in the Games Room.’

‘I might just.’

‘Still, it’s a nice day, fancy an exploration of the rooftops?’

‘So, if you let your eye follow the road past the bungalows you get to the derelict stable block, further on, on the same levelled site is the remains of the walled garden, now used as a sort of temporary overflow carpark. The high clump of trees behind are the windbreak of the walled garden, which along with the twelve-foot walls and the glasshouses made the micro climate that put fruit and veg on the table three hundred and sixty-five days a year. It’s the obvious site for a modest apartment building following the shape and on the same scale as the stable yard which becomes a court, as it were, literally sheltered housing.’

‘Another cash cow?’

‘Well, there is one small problem, the veg and flower garden were at the very end of the water supply. It’s not at all clear how far off we are from the water usage of the house in it’s heyday. It’s the same problem as the pond, the water for the house has always had to be pumped back up from the lowest point on the estate, the only point where it’s a proper flowing river. At some point, as yet unknown, you need a new pumping station and several miles of underground piping. I suspect that is the tipping point, where the whole thing stops being a going concern.’

‘There’ll never be a championship golf course then?’

‘Certainly not, they can have their eighteen holes, but they’ll have to make do with what nature provides.’

‘Why didn’t you join the road to the helipad?’

‘To make sure it can’t be used, without using the club facilities as well. Right then, let’s take a look at the state of the flagpole. How many different flags do you think we need?’

‘Coat of arms. County flag? Union Jack. EU?’

‘Screw that.’

‘UN?’

‘No chance.’

‘Flags of all nations, for those visiting foreign statesmen of yours?’

‘Strictly Anglosphere.’

‘What’s that?’

‘That’s the big project.’

‘What are you on about?’

‘Behind the Eurosceptic, the Brexiteer, is the new Victorian free-trader. The Anglosphere are the nations whose first language is English, by which we mean the constitution and legal system is grounded in English common law, the law of contract and international trade. UK, US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Hong Kong and Singapore - plus various hangers-on.’

‘Oh my God, Britannia rules the waves!’

‘Yes, but not the bureaucratic, empire building bit, rather the buccaneer free-traders. Three players, China, Russia and the Anglosphere. Ultimately we bury the hatchet, clear away sanctions, tariffs. Plus; “We take the golden road to Samarkand”, the new silk road, only it’s a bloody great new railway line from China through the heart of Russia, linking the Pacific to the Atlantic, once upon a time in Eurasia.’

‘It’s the view, its gone to your head.’

36: Play acting

In the end, as we unpacked the media suite, Charlie became curious and I could see she was beginning to soften, a little. Finding storage for the packaging of the small but expensive bits was easy enough, then we had fun demolishing the larger items to fit the inevitable array of wheelie bins. Within twenty-four hours we had two tripods, each with a camera and tablet sized monitor attached plus a decision made on what should be wired to what, and what wireless! I managed to persuade her to surrender some of the space in the tall kitchen cupboard for the extra lighting gear that would not be in regular use. Then it was a matter of location, location, location. ‘Camera one, aimed at me and my desk has to be close to the window for the best light.’

‘But that’s the thing, a permanent blot on the landscape, obscuring my view.’

‘What we need is an aspidistra to hide it behind.’

‘A what?’

‘Indoor plant much favoured by those raised in the Victorian and Edwardian eras.’

‘But that’ll just ruin the view even more!’

‘Well, let’s say we put a discrete marker on the floor for the right position, so it can rest somewhere else..’

Later. ‘Now then, I’ve not been unmindful of your doubts about “broadcast yourself” so I’ve dug out an old video, first shown to us by our drama teacher at school. Is Michael Caine a name to you?’

‘Of course he bloody is.’

‘Well, I suggest an evening on the sofa watching telly, well fifty minutes anyway, I know it’s not quite your style, but for a masterclass in camerawork?’

With thoughts of school drama still in mind I invited Cat MacIntosh around the following day so we could play a little. ‘Er, ah yes, here we go; “We don’t manage too badly, eh Didi, between the two of us?”

“Yes yes. Come on, we’ll try the left first.”

“We always find something, eh Didi, to give us the impression we exist?”

“Yes yes, we’re magicians. But let us persevere in what we have resolved, before we forget. Come on, give me your foot. The other, hog! Higher! Try and walk. Well?”

“It fits.”

‘What on earth are you two doing?’ So said Charlie, breaking the spell.

‘Play acting, just like the old days, Cat’s Vladimir was the highlight of our last year in the school dramatic society.’

‘Thanks old man.’

‘And you played the other one?’

‘Estragon, yes.’

‘Ideal casting then, an inseparable double act’, she opined.

‘What can you mean?’

‘I know he’s your go-between, your trusted lieutenant, your right-hand man, the Mr Fix it, a cut-out…’

‘What have you been saying to her?’

‘Well.’

‘It’s my fault I suppose, asking too many questions, I had him on a table at the spa after he’d sprained himself, had to get him to strip down, noticed all the scar tissue.’

‘She could tell the age of stuff old man, I had to sort of explain.’

‘What, you’re your own whistle-blower? Is Charlie now guilty by association?’

‘Sorry old man, but Charlotte’s as trustworthy as anyone.’

‘That’s not the point, need to know, you can’t lie about what you don’t know!’

‘She could tell what sort of injuries they were, she said if I explained a few things, she’d keep it all to herself.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘All for one and one for all old man. Besides no names mentioned, just how you really operate, pull things off. I mean Charlie’s a useful operator in her own right, no reason she shouldn’t be fully in the loop.’

‘Charlie, will you marry me?’

‘No.’

‘You see, she can’t be bought off!’

‘So! Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You planned it. Cat was the trigger man, and presumably the unnamed mining engineer who actually set it up was by then hundreds of miles away?’

‘Er not exactly, he had to hang around in order to go back in, check everything had gone according to plan, pick-up the evidence.’

‘Evidence?’

‘Search with his device for the remains of the tiny wireless detonators. Naturally Cat and I had to make sure he didn’t walk off with them.’

‘You don’t leave anything to chance then?’

‘We try not to.’

‘Which still doesn’t answer the question everyone wants answered! How do you cause an explosion, that leaves a crack that lets the pond drain by just the right amount, but with no trace?

‘You cause a microscopic earthquake, measurable with a micro-seismometer from a few hundred metres away but not much more. The explosion breaks the tension in one layer of rock, causing it to slide a tiny amount against the next, the fit is no longer perfect so over time a small amount of water will seep through.’

‘Okay, so it’s all scientifically calculated, but how is it actually done?’

‘With a tiny amount of the old plastique, extruded like a liquorice bootlace!’

‘Oh, right. Still, must have cost a packet?’

‘Well not really. This small-scale geological tech stuff is well known these days, all sorts of applications; precision tunnelling, quarrying, fracking…’

‘Fracking!’ But then, suddenly it was Charlie’s turn to be interrupted by her phone. ‘Bandits at four o’clock!’

‘Again!’

‘Well it has been awhile.’

‘Wait a sec. It’s not on my device!’

‘She’s sent it personal to me, wants to run a Tea together with a treatment.’

‘Oh, really!’

‘I’ll prepare the treatment room.’ And with that, she was gone.

‘I say, you thought you were being like Bernard Shaw, when really you’re another Mary Shelley, ha!’

‘Get out! Leave me. I would be alone.’

All too soon the bewitching hour arrived. ‘Good afternoon, Mrs Hayward. Do come in.’

‘Thank you my dear. Anthony, you’re looking a little peaky.’

‘Oh, just the burdens of senior management, the underlings forever rebelling.’

‘What are you twittering about now? How does Charlotte put up with you?’

‘Someone else asked that question a while ago.’

‘Little wonder.’

‘The treatment room is prepared Mrs Hayward, if you care to step this way.’

Later, when Tea appeared, the Aunt commented; ‘Don’t you feel my nephew looks a little stressed Charlotte?’

‘Now you come to mention it, madam.’

‘Whilst I’m entirely grateful for the efforts you’ve taken with his physical health, perhaps we should now really be attending to his psychological wellbeing?’

‘Indeed, madam.’

‘Anthony, I wish you to submit to daily head massages from Charlotte and any other treatments she judges appropriate.’

She caught me with a mouthful of tea, it required all my effort not to spray it across the room. ‘Very well auntie, for the foreseeable.’

‘Nice to hear you concurring without complaint for a change… Why is there a camera on a tripod pointing at your desk?’

‘Online video link, been talking to old chums across the herring pond.’

‘Charlotte, translate if you would.’

‘Well, I’m not that well up on the technical side of things, naturally I try not to eavesdrop, but Tony has friends in Boston, Massachusetts who share his interest in putting computers in cars.’

‘Really! Well, I suppose, on reflection, his own life has been entirely rudderless, it’s hardly surprising he should want to make other people’s driverless!’

‘Ha! I say auntie you just made a funny. That’s rather good.’

‘I do have a sense of humour Anthony. Just because when I’m with you, it is almost always necessary to take a stern line, doesn’t mean that when in more civilised company… Well anyway. Now then, tell me about Mr Tufnell, I understand another potential relationship has fallen by the wayside.’

‘Of course we could make our own home movies now.’ Charlotte mused.

‘Don’t even think of going there. You may be the most accomplished performer I’ve ever come across, but that show-off side to you would lead you in the end to seek a wider audience.’

35: Going live

‘Do you remember my brother?’ Asked Hans.

‘I never met him. All I remember was in our final year you telling us he had got a place at MIT to do engineering. Ah, a red light has just started flashing in my brain.’

‘That’s right. And he stayed there. And over the years he didn’t switch to computer science like everybody else, he went into accountancy.’

‘Oh, god.’

‘Oh, yes. And now he is financial advisor to half of the Boston tech community! Imagine my surprise when he told me that you were the money behind one of these MIT start-up, spin-offs.’

‘Not all of it, I assure you!’

‘Something that is supposed to be all about driverless technology but isn’t, more monitoring driver behaviour. Then he says to me you know how these brain scientists and psychologists still once in way do animal experiments, in controlled environments? Well, not much longer he says, soon humans will volunteer to become their own lab rats, in their own mobile labs!’

‘So presumably, that’s when you allowed your brother to upgrade you from the nineteenth to the twenty-first century?’

‘That and the fact that the EU began thinking there must be something wrong about sheep being allowed to roam freely on a mountain in a national park. So, anyway you stay awhile, have a day on the mountain, help-out with the sheep? I could take you down to the railway the day after tomorrow?’

Wandering the hills was something we’d never done together before, much talk of adjusting to sounds, apparent silence that slowly becomes filled with a whole new palette, quite distinctive from the patchwork peninsula countryside we were most familiar with. We soon realised we were following the paths made by the sheep. I’ll brush over the athletic sex with attitude at altitude - which I know is the last thing you want spelt-out. It was obvious when to return, we just followed the sheep.

‘Stay back, there’s still a few to come.’ We’d been approaching the sheep pens and watching Hans filling the feed troughs. There must have been a hundred and fifty or so, and the noise! ‘Tony, you’ve done this before, when I point one out, grab it high on one of the back legs, then flip it and I’ll take a look.’ After I’d helped for a while, Charlie was invited to join in. Inevitably at one point she fell over backwards, Hans roared with a laugh that seemed to echo around the valley now that most of the sheep were quietly consuming. I went over to help her get her arse out of the mud, bending down I said; ‘Ever wondered what schadenfreude means? You’re looking at it!’

Going back down the mountain was the scariest part of the whole trip. We sat on the bench seat of Hans’ farm truck, with Charlie in the middle. Knowing the track so well Hans had just his left hand on the wheel and having to stay in a low gear, spent the whole-time gesturing with his right, keeping up a constant dialogue with himself about EU agriculture policy and the behaviour of his neighbours. To us strangers it felt like a bare-knuckle ride! It wasn’t that much better once we were on the main road, here was a man who clearly expected to have all roads to himself! In the end, as with so many greetings and farewells these days, the effusive praises seemed to be being directed at Charlie.

One night and almost two half days later, we took a taxi home from the railway station. It dropped us at the communal entrance by the side of the complex. ‘You never have explained, is the whole place actually owned by the trust?’

‘The freehold yes, plus the lease on our apartment.’

‘Which explains why you have part of the original with the best views and the biggest rooms.’

‘You’ve been getting to know the neighbours. Sort of, all before my time, father’s big project really.’

‘How come?’

‘Well the original Georgian terrace suffered bomb damage at both ends during the war. Now, it had been rundown before, in the nineteen thirties, so things were just patched up a bit, but basically left. Father, had the grand idea of saving the façade and redeveloping the rest out the back. He started by buying up a few of the leases, then just waited. Eventually the whole place came up for auction, some interest, not a lot, he reckoned he got a bargain because of the location and size of the site. Then he set about looking for a developer...’ I was interrupted in mid-flow.

‘Excuse me, sir!’

‘Jim! You look quite, flushed.’

‘I wanted to catch you before you realised what happened. And explain like.’

‘What has happened?’

‘Well we weren’t expecting it, there’s no storage anywhere else at the moment, so we had no choice but to enter your premises and just dump it, there’s an awful lot of it.’

‘Oh, I see. It doesn’t take up that much space does it?’

‘Well, it didn’t weight that much, but you get that with electronic stuff don’t you, more packaging than the actual thing. Let me help you with that bag, sir.’

Jim proceeded to lead the way. ‘What’s he talking about?’ Said Charlie.

‘Shtoom.’ I whispered.

‘What?!’ Exclaimed Charlie on entering.

‘Thank you Jim, there’ll be something in your Christmas stocking.’ I was just about able to close the apartment door.

‘That was a bit offhand, it’s barely summer!’

‘He understands. Still, a little more bulky than expected.’

‘But what is it all?’

‘Our media suite.’

‘What, like do-it-yourself tv studio?’

‘More or less, don’t worry it’ll be very discreet, you won’t notice it most of the time.’

‘Here? In case you hadn’t noticed it’s already an office, a library, lounge and the only space big enough for any kind of indoor exercise.’

‘Well all this packaging breaks down to a couple of the latest remote tv cameras, tripods, monitors, minimum cable, some extra lighting if it should be required. The stage is done, the classy, sophisticated set - complete!’

‘But why, who are you going to be broadcasting to?’

‘Well just the people I already Web chat to really, I just need to train myself up for now, and stay ahead of the opposition with the tech.’

‘So, what, ponce about, whilst expounding on your latest ideas?’

‘Well, walk and talk might be a bit ambitious at first. Just sit casually at the desk. Work out the ideal set-up, say, quite a lot in-shot of the old antique desk, with my latest devices discretely lying around. Learn to calm my face and gestures when it’s more or less a close-up, but all with tv quality and the accomplished background.’

‘This is going to take days to clear.’

‘We can work on it together. You may wish to use it yourself; I can just see you as an online instructor in more or less alternative anything. We know the camera likes you.’

‘I’d be lost for words, I’m not like you, in love with the sound of your own voice.’

‘I’ll ignore that. But think, you have the presence, the stillness, perfect for camera work, besides, you can work to a script, we just place one of the monitors just to one side of the camera, they can be fed autocue easily enough.’

‘Blimey, you have got it all worked out.’

‘Don’t I always.’

‘I’ll make some tea - if I can find the bleedin’ kitchen?!’

34: Charlie's road movie

‘With respect Jack, that’s not an answer. We need more if we’re to proceed, not the whole story of course, but how was the approach made?’

‘You’ve not talked to him?’

‘Not for ten years. He’s not online as far as I know. We communicate via snail mail from time to time, plus the occasional unsolicited gift of a rare goat’s cheese!’

‘He got in touch about six months ago, said could I get the latest version of what you’ve got? I assumed you were in on it.’

‘I’ve been there Jack! I would not take my car up that mountain. It would be knackered within the week.’

‘Well, when I say what you’ve got, it’s the new four by four version, plus various bits of personalisation.’

‘I see, I’ve read about it in the media, perhaps we should spend some time with the user’s manual?’

‘Piece of cake, but when you do go off the main roads check the clearance, can’t be sure we have the default on the suspension right for four by four where you’re going. Still, your mate must know what he’s about, suggesting you as delivery boy.’

‘Yes, still, a set-up is a set-up whichever way you slice it. I know the car is assembled in the UK but it’s full of European bits and mostly made for export, there must be some dealers in France?’

‘That’s the invoice there, despite all the zeros he is getting it cheap, and fully road tested right-up to his front door.’

‘So, you’ve collected the lion’s share already. How does he pay the remainder?’

‘He has a good mobile connection, just watch him make the transfer, and all’s done - and we hold over your expenses to be compensated for in some fashion, sometime soon.’

‘What if we breakdown?’ Charlie asked.

‘You almost certainly won’t, and if you did you’d know the problem and you’d do what you’d do with your own car. The breakdown cover in the docs is quite legit like everything else.’

‘This is the contact number?’

‘Sure.’

‘Right.’ I took out my mobile. ‘I’ll text.’

‘What are going to say?’ Charlie chipped in.

‘Ask the name of a good restaurant close to one of our older universities!’

‘So he respects you for not trusting him?’

‘Absolutely. And as for that Hans, clearly his situation has changed, and he now wants the best. I imagine once he gets a look at you, he’ll harbour further ambitions.’

‘We’ll have an hour to spare if you want to go hunting for cod & chips.’

‘That’s extraordinarily generous of you, but we’ll be offered copious amounts of food once on board, throughout the eight hours!’

After boarding and checking out the cabin, we took a turn around the deck, watching the land recede as we sailed. All very clichéd really. Then we went in search of food. Settled at the table, Charlie started pursuing the free tourist map thoughtfully supplied by the ferry company. ‘So where are we actually going?’

‘About half an hour beyond Carcassonne we turn left, then almost immediately it becomes a narrow mountain track, very green, dark and chilly, one in four in places, that we’ll take with caution, so after about twenty-five minutes the track runs out into Hans’ farmyard!’

‘And your route?’

‘Rennes, Le Mans, Tours, Poitiers, Limoges, Toulouse, Carcassonne.’

‘Le Mans! You’ve got this all schemed-out haven’t you?’

‘No, no I haven’t, Hans has. He’s playing me. He must have been following me for years online. Ha! Sending me grubby little notes scribbled on the back of old postcards smelling of sheep shit, wrapped in an airmail envelope, gifts of the smelliest cheese he can find - I’ll have him! Viruses of the mind, memes, trying to hack my brain.’

‘Chill-out, enjoy the trip.’

After a pause. ‘I can’t imagine getting by without you, you know.’

‘Shut, up! So, do we get to do the Le Mans circuit?’

‘What we do I think is the straight, gently let the speed rise to seventy-five or eighty for the first time, then text the bastard some sort of short, situation report. We need to join in the spirit of the thing, get in his good books, then he’ll confess all.’

‘So, this all goes back to university, was he there because of old family money like the rest of you?’

‘Well, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember. But I doubt any of us approached the subject, I mean German history over the last one hundred and fifty odd years and all that. Same with Barmy, much of what these guys do may be meant to be a break with the past.’

‘Doesn’t bare thinking about.’

‘And Hans looks the part too, blond, blue eyes, well over six foot - Hollywood casting.’

‘That’s enough food. You’ve still got work to do.’

‘You want to explore the full potential of that cabin do you?’

‘Oh no, we have another full turn of the deck to do.’

The following morning found me still at the wheel. Leaving the coast behind Charlie suddenly piped-up, ‘You haven’t had the computer on!’

‘No, that wouldn’t be fair, and might sow suspicion. And I suppose, no that’s not possible, he’d need a lot of help for that.’

‘What are you thinking?’

‘Well with a lot of help, he might be able to not just follow, but track!’

‘God, what a suspicious mind you have.’

‘I know, anyway if there is some financial dodge, better the car doesn’t remember the trip.’

‘When do you want me to take over?’

‘After Rennes I think, everything is as manual as it can be at the moment, no power steering, gears, suspension as hard and low as it can be, I think? But it doesn’t feel like it’s as stuck to the road as ours. Anyway you’ll feel it for yourself, if Le Mans is okay then we’ll start playing around.’

As we approached Rennes Charlie piped up. ‘There’s some sort of service area thingy indicated.’

‘Ah yes, now then. I’m going to ignore that, because although it won’t be the same as the old days, nonetheless, just for form’s sake, we should get off on the right foot and begin the adventure toasting ourselves with some ex-SNCF Gare vin de table!’

Alas, all the catering had moved from the older station buildings. We drank and nibbled in plastic and glass surroundings. Charlie commented; ‘You seemed to be enjoying your conversation with that booking clerk.’

‘Well, yes. He advised against booking anything, just be opportunistic about what comes along, especially since we are one hundred per cent dependant on Hans bringing us off the hill into Carcassonne. But we’ve no real idea what time of day that will be. Still, Carcassonne to Toulouse is one journey, on a semi-fast local. At Toulouse we can be sure to get on a TGV set, but nonetheless the line is still mostly just an upgrade of the old mainline, so it’ll take as long to go Toulouse-Paris as it took us to go Paris-Antibes.’

As Charlie began to relax behind the wheel, she confided; ‘One day when Brinkley spotted me on my own with the car, he started to ask me how much of the driving I did, how much responsibility I took.’

‘He did, did he?’

‘He grumbled about how expensive this kind of motoring is. I didn’t say anything about deals with Jack or anything.’

‘Ata girl.’

‘He reckoned that because officially I’m as poor as a church mouse, then if I owned our car, it would be cheaper for the trust.’

‘He’s wooing you. That’s an attempt at seduction. The trust owns the car officially, what he wants is for you to lease it back or some similar loan type arrangement, like an employee car loan as if it were required for your job, so you end up giving back to the trust in repayments even more of the money it pays you. At the same time it opens up another line in the accounts for expenses - playing one off against the other to minimise the overall tax burden depending on which way the wind is blowing.’

‘But surely, it would cost as much in his fees as it would save?!’

‘Sure, but he gets off on this kind of stuff, professional pride. One really has to keep a firm hand on such people.’

We spent an hour or so at the Le Mans motor museum, then did our little time trial. We took a selfie in front of the car, and along with the stats, texted it to Hans.

‘He likes it, wants more, what should I reply?’

‘Er, “See you before dusk tomorrow, will test all auto functions en route and report. Do you wish me to boot up and test computer, question mark?”

There was a pause for about five minutes, then; ‘Here we go, “Leave computer, you must teach me from beginning when you arrive. I expect regular reports next twenty-four hours.”

‘Yes, he’s trying not to show panic.’

Trouble was, there wasn’t much to report, except the ever-changing countryside. We’d had no time to find a nice Chateau hotel, so made do with a motel almost totally devoid of human interest. We tried every combination of auto and driver-assisted technology the car had to offer. I half expected Charlie to demand I place an immediate order with Jack for a trade-up - but she didn’t. We sent a few more technical sounding reports and photos. Just before the turn-off onto Hans’ road, I pulled over, adjusted the clearance.

‘It looks pretty odd, ruins the whole look, the slick styling suddenly turns chunky and boxy.’

I got out, and saw what she meant. ‘I agree. Still, better safe than sorry. Check your device.’

‘No new message.’

‘I was sure there’d be a request, with list, for the Super Marché! Okay then. One last text; “Leaving D5 now.”

I couldn’t help myself, after five minutes of growing confidence and no message saying anything was coming down the hill, I got in the groove. I put the lights on. With the heavy vegetation in the valley, the falling light and the relative silence, there was every chance he’d see us coming. In the end I almost over did it, not coming out of the trance until I saw him waiting in the yard. Perhaps he realised he’d need to show himself.

‘Blimey is that him?’

‘Absolutely. Now then, you go and introduce yourself, then bring him over to sit in the passenger seat.’

‘What about the dogs?’

‘Dogs? Oh, the collies, he’ll signal them as soon as he sees you coming. And don’t panic if he goes into a kissing hands routine and offers to show you his ancestral duelling sword!’

33: Sojourn suspended

Working in the old vegetable garden at Checkley, I never fail to marvel at the ingenuity of the Victorians, the practical knowledge of practical men. The practical woman of course was Cook, she stood between the lady of the house and the Head Gardener when it came to veg. The two of them were of equal status, but she decided what was required and rejected the over ripe or past their best. It was only when it came to flowers that the Head Gardener got face time with the lady of the house, but there he was up against real talent. It was thought appropriate that every well brought up young woman should have the artisanal skills of interior design. Flowers, perfectly grown to survive a long time indoors were required so they could be crafted into table decorations or worn as accessories. That was the order of the day, sometimes every day!

Such musing helped me focus and endure the tedium of field work. Pruning vines using traditional methods is at one and the same time skilled and extremely repetitive. Meanwhile Charlie was probably using more muscle in the woods. She could hack more than I, but required equal accuracy so as not to expend unnecessary energy. Efficiency was what kept you on your feet all day. Nonetheless I was thinking of lunch well before lunchtime, and perhaps that’s the way it should always be.

Coming back down to the house it was the smell of fresh bread and homemade soup that hit me as I scrapped the mud from my wellies. I promptly legged it to the kitchen.

‘Job done?’ Asked the wicked Uncle.

‘I’m not that quick, still the end is in sight. You should really walk that garden at least twice a week between now and harvest.’

‘Just as you say. So, when are we going to bottle the 2018?’

‘I was rather afraid you were going to ask that. The thing is…’ I was interrupted mid-flow by my mobile. ‘Intriguing, it’s Jack “Can you deliver new car for us? A.S.A.P No one else available. Client says he knows you. I’m to say it’s the German Shepherd”. Well bugger me, sorry, but I’m going to ring back right away.’

Jack picked-up almost at once. ‘..I’m here with my nearest and dearest ..and relatives ..and kindly do not refer to her as Sparky! ..I know they’re just a bunch of grease monkeys! If they want to be cheeky, she is Charlie to her friends, now then, the German Shepherd was at the top of the Massif Central when last heard of ..Good lord! ..Really! Well yes it does have a certain logic to it, we do both know the car, use to left-hand drive and French roads for sure, but really do you realise how far that is? ..at least that from here, it’ll take for ever with the ferry and we won’t be able to open her up until well beyond halfway! ..I do think so, if my motor was anything to go by ..right well I’ll consult, good afternoon to you too. Did you get all that?’

‘Practically none of it! For a start who is the German Shepherd?’ replied Julia.

‘We were at university together, belonged to the same dining club.’

‘Smash-up any good restaurants by any chance? Male-only I suppose.’ Interjected Uncle.

‘Absolutely not, we usually had female guests. That was when Daphne and I were an item, come to think of it, I think she was there the night I met Hans.’

‘Who’s Hans?’ Asked Charlie.

‘The German shepherd of course. He is German, and he is a shepherd. And that’s the thing, we were always speculating about dream jobs, lifestyles; because, you know we were all rather afraid we’d end up doing something dreary. I well remember Daphne said she’d just like to carry on doing what she was doing right now, and I suggested she could if she made herself into a female Master of Wine. She did in fact work for a traditional wine merchant for a while before she met Barmy, but I suspected she quite fancied Hans, anyway Hans said he would breed rare sheep and the last I heard, about ten years ago was...’

‘Yes, I think we get the picture. Now who is Jack?’

‘Tony’s friend, the dodgy secondhand car dealer.’

‘No, no, no. She’s winding me up. Jack runs a classic car dealership and a filling station, the car that needs delivering is brand new, under five hundred on the clock, same model as mine only left-hand drive. Jack’s doesn’t have a regular driver, just anyone who’s at hand, and anyway it turns out Hans is still up the same mountain.’

‘So what’s A.S.A.P about it? I hope you’re not proposing to leave us in the lurch?’

‘Well, Jack’s in a sort of a hole, contractual obligations, agreed price, second instalment on the set delivery date. We get a holiday, pick up the cost of travel. Then Jack will owe me one.’

‘You’re prepared to go to all that trouble for this chap?’

‘Well he is a pal.’

‘Tony is sort of informally in business with him, I can’t pretend to understand. Most of the time no actual cash seems to change hands.’

‘Well, we just do the occasional favour for each other, very useful bloke to know, keeps me in touch with the seamer side of life.’

‘How’s Daphne’s mother?’ Julia broke in.

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Sorry, I’m still several minutes behind, strange woman but I liked her when we met at their wedding, obviously we were all a bit distracted by the slight unpleasantness, but nonetheless.’

‘Er, okay I think, gets roped into looking after the kids a lot.’

‘They have children?’ Interrupted Charlie. ‘I thought this wedding was quite recent.’

‘It was, a couple of years ago. We’re still trying to work out why. Even then the two girls were ten and eight?’

‘Something like that. She was anxious I should know how happy she was because now it was all official, I don’t think she was quite sober, she ended up confiding far too much about the problems Daphne had conceiving.’

‘How does a sheep breeder afford a new version of your luxury motor?’

‘Well, he must be a success. Although I confess when I was there before things were pretty spartan and of course miles from anywhere.’

‘There is no money in keeping a rare breed. Besides, everything is done in labs on industrial estates in the larger rural towns these days.’

‘Well I guess we’ll find out. Are you up for this Charlie?’

‘Oh yeah, I like a bit of rallying.’

‘You won’t want to, believe me, once you’re behind the wheel it will feel very different to our mean machine.’

‘So you are going to run out on us!’

‘It needs some planning, I’ll think it through in the garden this afternoon, then get online this evening. As for the bottling, I think it may be far too early, you may have to keep on calming that juice down first!’

Before bed Charlie and I conferred. ‘I’ll finish in the vines tomorrow morning, after lunch we head home, grab extra warm clothing, walking kit etc. Just in case. Leave our car with Jack, pick up the new car and the documents, find out how I’m supposed to hand over the vehicle in exchange for the final payment, head off for the night sailing to Brittany.’

‘What could go wrong?’ She said, rolling her eyes.

‘All manner of things, but flexibility and a preparedness for the unexpected is the order of the day.’

‘And you need to find out how Hans got to know you would be the driver?’

‘You seem to be learning more from me, than I’m learning from you.’

‘Oh! Just you wait sunshine, just you wait!’

32: The hostess with the most zest

‘Our bags are packed, sir.’

‘Excellent, and I have all the gizmos we’ll need here in my office bag. So, let us highest hither.’

‘You said via the Park, what commissions today?’

‘Not a commission Charlie, this one is a shakedown, as our American cousins would say. I’ve summoned Prudence to a crash meeting, this is where she gets to understand her role in proceedings. And this is a two-hander, remember Frimley?’

‘I’m not exactly Prue’s favourite person.’

‘Precisely.’

‘Good morning madam. Anthony has asked me to send his apologies, but he’ll be a few minutes late, can I get you something to drink?’

‘Well, it has turned eleven, coffee Sparkwell.’

Behind the scenes I loitered, counting to one hundred. ‘Prudence! How were the Chateaus of the Loire?’

‘You didn’t call me here to discuss my honeymoon. This had better be good, I had to leave Rory alone with a constituent in order to be here.’

‘Yes, I imagine it must be quite tricky learning the finer points of the benefits system, the difference between disability this, employment allowance that...’

‘Get to the point.’ At which moment Charlie arrived, placing a tray with one large coffee pot, a cream jug and three cups and saucers on the table. Then she promptly sat down.

‘What’s going on?’

‘Oh, had you not appreciated it, at the wedding? Charlie is now a full member. No more skulking or loitering. And as you so rightly pointed out a while ago, there is nothing she doesn’t do for me, ergo there is nothing she doesn’t know about me.’

‘I see.’

‘What is going on, Prudence, is that at this very moment at least two of those Presidents of the EU who haunt the back corridors of Brussels, are hastily cajoling twenty-seven heads of government. Brexit is off! Our fragrant PM is going to get a temporary stay of execution. You persuaded Rory he was a full-on Brexiteer, he won by six hundred votes. And he will, in all likelihood have to face the electorate again within the year.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Merely that Rory should appreciate what a constituency MP in a representative democracy is. That Brexit, although it has to happen, is ultimately a distraction from his main purpose in life, to win elections.’

‘He’s already thinking of softening his stance to win the floating liberal vote.’

‘Wrong. A Remainer is a Remainer, is a Remainer. He must be seen to stand his ground. Until Brexit happens and is accepted as permanent, the best he can hope for is a majority of two to three thousand. He must declare as soon as possible for Buffy as leader of the once great party.’

‘I loathe that man.’

‘What did he ever do to you?’

‘He grabbed my arse once and asked for a sexual favour.’

‘And what did you do?’

‘Well, I slapped him across the face of course.’

‘A suitable punishment to fit the crime. You’re not a victim, you’re a winner - I’ve told you that many times.’

‘And he tried to upstage my wedding.’

‘That was our next Prime Minster, choosing to attend the wedding of a loyal supporter, who happens to be our MP! Good things will happen. Notice anything different about this place when you arrived?’

‘Yes, half the carpark has been taken over by some construction crew!’

‘Local labour as it happens, here to build the helipad.’

‘What!’

‘Well if you’re going to be regularly hosting the PM, other international statesman, we must be prepared. You’ll be asking me for conference facilities before you know it. And I’ll be under pressure to support the local economy. Not to mention charity work, how many air ambulances is it now? HRH perhaps…’

‘I see some merit in your reasoning.’

‘I’m giving the construction lads free run of the place whilst they’re here, just so the message gets out there that we’re going places.’

‘Alright, you’ve made your point. I suppose they’ll be some ghastly flag pole with an orange sock!’

‘Not a bit of it, there’s a perfectly good flagpole on the roof, and most of the time it’ll be flying Uncle’s coat of arms, that’s if I have anything to do with it.’

‘I said keep us out of politics.’

‘We’re still in the thirty mile an hour zone as it happens. Well I am trying in my own way. In the long term I certainly am. Just trying to take advantage of a rather obvious income stream. Anyway, we have our Easter repose to enjoy now.’

‘And I’m still in uniform.’

‘Well, you could have some fun with that, whilst I inspect the vines.’

‘Goodness! Miss Charlotte er, Sparkwell, you gave me quite a shock, just appearing from nowhere like that.’

‘Gregson.’

‘Your look reminds me of the old days.’

‘But you weren’t here in the old days.’

‘No, but you know what I mean.’

‘So, Mr Gregson, bring me up to speed. Is her ladyship well?’

‘Quite well, she said your stay would be of indeterminate length.’

‘Quite so.’

‘Will you be assisting us with the outside work, perhaps you feel part of the household now?’

‘I shall be returning the woods, I imagine Mr Anthony will confine himself to the walled garden, we shall not impede your commercial activities.’

‘Very well.’

Entering the walled garden I was hit by the sight of a mass of overgrown vines. On closer inspection there seemed to have been some post-harvest winter pruning, but certainly no spring pruning or tying. Clearly, Uncle’s enthusiasm for family history and determination to divert my attention towards the Park development had led him to neglect his responsibilities. I turned on my heels and went back to the house.

‘Hello Gregson.’

‘What news, sir? Are we in or are we out?’

‘Not yet out, is the only answer to that. Still, at least all the law is back inside parliament. Which means you can relax and enjoy things as they are for a few more years.’

‘Yes, but the uncertainty, how will it all end?’

‘In a good old British fudge I should think; more intensive methods to boost basic food stuffs, allowing more set aside to pacify the Greens. But don’t tell my Uncle I said that, he thinks I’m a townie who couldn’t possibly understand.’

‘But what about development, the coast is almost full, they’ll want to creep in land.’

‘Again, I’m not a betting man, but I suspect it will be, let the Greens win on the green belt, relax planning regulations on brown field sites.’

‘I see. Of course in these parts there are lots of old industrial areas that have been abandoned and become sort of green.’

‘That’s just the kind of knowledge we should be keeping to ourselves Gregson. I suppose my helper went off to change her clothes?’

Sometimes the house could feel quite deserted, I wandered until I could follow the sound of voices. I found them all in the big kitchen, waiting to start a late lunch.

‘I’ve been thinking a lot about Transylvania lately.’

My God he’s surpassed himself this time I thought, but with half a second of recovery time I managed. ‘Yes, I haven’t tackled old man Stoker in sometime, correct me if I’m wrong but he never actually made it to the real place did he?’

‘I am talking about the real place you fool!’

‘Er, don’t tell me, your obsession with the woods and the idea of charcoal burners and the lack of knowledge in the UK naturally led you to think of Poland, then you learned just how rapid the modernisation and move off the land has been in the last fifteen years or so, then you read somewhere the only place left to find the European peasant was the Transylvanian Alps and Carpathian mountains of Romania.’

‘How the devil? That’s taken me six months!’

‘Yes, but I don’t know the vital details do I, it’s just the way it had to be. I come out of the walled garden, somewhat annoyed that you’d not done the work on the vines, thinking I suppose he’ll start banging on about charcoal burners again. You mention Transylvania, I join the dots.’

‘Charlotte, how do you live with all this?’

‘I suppose because he can act as well as talk, he’s a smooth operator, he’s taken to roping me into his schemes, just this morning I suspect I’ve unwittingly helped him earn thousands more for the Park in little over an hour without quite understanding how.’

Then Julia intervened. ‘Well you mind how you go. And Reggie, really, why you feel the need to compete with your own nephew is beyond me.’

‘I’ll tell you why, because going up against you youngsters, stops my brain from atrophying and that’s a scientific fact.’