‘With respect Jack, that’s not an answer. We need more if we’re to proceed, not the whole story of course, but how was the approach made?’
‘You’ve not talked to him?’
‘Not for ten years. He’s not online as far as I know. We communicate via snail mail from time to time, plus the occasional unsolicited gift of a rare goat’s cheese!’
‘He got in touch about six months ago, said could I get the latest version of what you’ve got? I assumed you were in on it.’
‘I’ve been there Jack! I would not take my car up that mountain. It would be knackered within the week.’
‘Well, when I say what you’ve got, it’s the new four by four version, plus various bits of personalisation.’
‘I see, I’ve read about it in the media, perhaps we should spend some time with the user’s manual?’
‘Piece of cake, but when you do go off the main roads check the clearance, can’t be sure we have the default on the suspension right for four by four where you’re going. Still, your mate must know what he’s about, suggesting you as delivery boy.’
‘Yes, still, a set-up is a set-up whichever way you slice it. I know the car is assembled in the UK but it’s full of European bits and mostly made for export, there must be some dealers in France?’
‘That’s the invoice there, despite all the zeros he is getting it cheap, and fully road tested right-up to his front door.’
‘So, you’ve collected the lion’s share already. How does he pay the remainder?’
‘He has a good mobile connection, just watch him make the transfer, and all’s done - and we hold over your expenses to be compensated for in some fashion, sometime soon.’
‘What if we breakdown?’ Charlie asked.
‘You almost certainly won’t, and if you did you’d know the problem and you’d do what you’d do with your own car. The breakdown cover in the docs is quite legit like everything else.’
‘This is the contact number?’
‘Sure.’
‘Right.’ I took out my mobile. ‘I’ll text.’
‘What are going to say?’ Charlie chipped in.
‘Ask the name of a good restaurant close to one of our older universities!’
‘So he respects you for not trusting him?’
‘Absolutely. And as for that Hans, clearly his situation has changed, and he now wants the best. I imagine once he gets a look at you, he’ll harbour further ambitions.’
‘We’ll have an hour to spare if you want to go hunting for cod & chips.’
‘That’s extraordinarily generous of you, but we’ll be offered copious amounts of food once on board, throughout the eight hours!’
After boarding and checking out the cabin, we took a turn around the deck, watching the land recede as we sailed. All very clichéd really. Then we went in search of food. Settled at the table, Charlie started pursuing the free tourist map thoughtfully supplied by the ferry company. ‘So where are we actually going?’
‘About half an hour beyond Carcassonne we turn left, then almost immediately it becomes a narrow mountain track, very green, dark and chilly, one in four in places, that we’ll take with caution, so after about twenty-five minutes the track runs out into Hans’ farmyard!’
‘And your route?’
‘Rennes, Le Mans, Tours, Poitiers, Limoges, Toulouse, Carcassonne.’
‘Le Mans! You’ve got this all schemed-out haven’t you?’
‘No, no I haven’t, Hans has. He’s playing me. He must have been following me for years online. Ha! Sending me grubby little notes scribbled on the back of old postcards smelling of sheep shit, wrapped in an airmail envelope, gifts of the smelliest cheese he can find - I’ll have him! Viruses of the mind, memes, trying to hack my brain.’
‘Chill-out, enjoy the trip.’
After a pause. ‘I can’t imagine getting by without you, you know.’
‘Shut, up! So, do we get to do the Le Mans circuit?’
‘What we do I think is the straight, gently let the speed rise to seventy-five or eighty for the first time, then text the bastard some sort of short, situation report. We need to join in the spirit of the thing, get in his good books, then he’ll confess all.’
‘So, this all goes back to university, was he there because of old family money like the rest of you?’
‘Well, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember. But I doubt any of us approached the subject, I mean German history over the last one hundred and fifty odd years and all that. Same with Barmy, much of what these guys do may be meant to be a break with the past.’
‘Doesn’t bare thinking about.’
‘And Hans looks the part too, blond, blue eyes, well over six foot - Hollywood casting.’
‘That’s enough food. You’ve still got work to do.’
‘You want to explore the full potential of that cabin do you?’
‘Oh no, we have another full turn of the deck to do.’
The following morning found me still at the wheel. Leaving the coast behind Charlie suddenly piped-up, ‘You haven’t had the computer on!’
‘No, that wouldn’t be fair, and might sow suspicion. And I suppose, no that’s not possible, he’d need a lot of help for that.’
‘What are you thinking?’
‘Well with a lot of help, he might be able to not just follow, but track!’
‘God, what a suspicious mind you have.’
‘I know, anyway if there is some financial dodge, better the car doesn’t remember the trip.’
‘When do you want me to take over?’
‘After Rennes I think, everything is as manual as it can be at the moment, no power steering, gears, suspension as hard and low as it can be, I think? But it doesn’t feel like it’s as stuck to the road as ours. Anyway you’ll feel it for yourself, if Le Mans is okay then we’ll start playing around.’
As we approached Rennes Charlie piped up. ‘There’s some sort of service area thingy indicated.’
‘Ah yes, now then. I’m going to ignore that, because although it won’t be the same as the old days, nonetheless, just for form’s sake, we should get off on the right foot and begin the adventure toasting ourselves with some ex-SNCF Gare vin de table!’
Alas, all the catering had moved from the older station buildings. We drank and nibbled in plastic and glass surroundings. Charlie commented; ‘You seemed to be enjoying your conversation with that booking clerk.’
‘Well, yes. He advised against booking anything, just be opportunistic about what comes along, especially since we are one hundred per cent dependant on Hans bringing us off the hill into Carcassonne. But we’ve no real idea what time of day that will be. Still, Carcassonne to Toulouse is one journey, on a semi-fast local. At Toulouse we can be sure to get on a TGV set, but nonetheless the line is still mostly just an upgrade of the old mainline, so it’ll take as long to go Toulouse-Paris as it took us to go Paris-Antibes.’
As Charlie began to relax behind the wheel, she confided; ‘One day when Brinkley spotted me on my own with the car, he started to ask me how much of the driving I did, how much responsibility I took.’
‘He did, did he?’
‘He grumbled about how expensive this kind of motoring is. I didn’t say anything about deals with Jack or anything.’
‘Ata girl.’
‘He reckoned that because officially I’m as poor as a church mouse, then if I owned our car, it would be cheaper for the trust.’
‘He’s wooing you. That’s an attempt at seduction. The trust owns the car officially, what he wants is for you to lease it back or some similar loan type arrangement, like an employee car loan as if it were required for your job, so you end up giving back to the trust in repayments even more of the money it pays you. At the same time it opens up another line in the accounts for expenses - playing one off against the other to minimise the overall tax burden depending on which way the wind is blowing.’
‘But surely, it would cost as much in his fees as it would save?!’
‘Sure, but he gets off on this kind of stuff, professional pride. One really has to keep a firm hand on such people.’
We spent an hour or so at the Le Mans motor museum, then did our little time trial. We took a selfie in front of the car, and along with the stats, texted it to Hans.
‘He likes it, wants more, what should I reply?’
‘Er, “See you before dusk tomorrow, will test all auto functions en route and report. Do you wish me to boot up and test computer, question mark?”
There was a pause for about five minutes, then; ‘Here we go, “Leave computer, you must teach me from beginning when you arrive. I expect regular reports next twenty-four hours.”
‘Yes, he’s trying not to show panic.’
Trouble was, there wasn’t much to report, except the ever-changing countryside. We’d had no time to find a nice Chateau hotel, so made do with a motel almost totally devoid of human interest. We tried every combination of auto and driver-assisted technology the car had to offer. I half expected Charlie to demand I place an immediate order with Jack for a trade-up - but she didn’t. We sent a few more technical sounding reports and photos. Just before the turn-off onto Hans’ road, I pulled over, adjusted the clearance.
‘It looks pretty odd, ruins the whole look, the slick styling suddenly turns chunky and boxy.’
I got out, and saw what she meant. ‘I agree. Still, better safe than sorry. Check your device.’
‘No new message.’
‘I was sure there’d be a request, with list, for the Super Marché! Okay then. One last text; “Leaving D5 now.”
I couldn’t help myself, after five minutes of growing confidence and no message saying anything was coming down the hill, I got in the groove. I put the lights on. With the heavy vegetation in the valley, the falling light and the relative silence, there was every chance he’d see us coming. In the end I almost over did it, not coming out of the trance until I saw him waiting in the yard. Perhaps he realised he’d need to show himself.
‘Blimey is that him?’
‘Absolutely. Now then, you go and introduce yourself, then bring him over to sit in the passenger seat.’
‘What about the dogs?’
‘Dogs? Oh, the collies, he’ll signal them as soon as he sees you coming. And don’t panic if he goes into a kissing hands routine and offers to show you his ancestral duelling sword!’
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