26: Charlie makes Christmas

The doors of the Park were kept firmly shut until 11,00am. Between nine and ten Charlotte, Julia, Uncle and I served a relaxed breakfast to the company staff and club officials. Between ten and eleven, Uncle and I gave a short presentation on the possible futures of the Park, followed by half an hour of Q & A. Then we opened the doors and waited for all hell to break loose.

It had been agreed that all club officials and committee members should be volunteering to prepare and serve lunch, plus run the bar before and after. We had of course to concede a right of oversight and veto to Chef and the Chief Steward - we couldn’t very well be allowed to wreck our own club, let alone the Park’s furniture and fittings!

Charlie was a revelation. Suddenly she was operating at a different speed and rhythm, she placed herself at the centre of the lounge, pushing the rest of us helpers behind the bar, a waitress turned maître d’hôtel; taking all the orders, placing herself between the punters and us incompetents. It rapidly became clear that the regular staff were being given a virtuoso performance in how to keep a zoo under control.

‘Born to command that one, wouldn’t you say?’ Uncle said as we struggled to find our way around.

‘Absolutely.’

‘Good portends for the future. Talking of which, from what you said at the meeting you’ve clearly had a look at the manuscript.’

‘Yes, about fifty pages in, been somewhat distracted by those early illustrations of the parkland you’ve reproduced.’

‘Ha! Your brain is as deft as Charlotte’s footwork.’

‘Somebody balls-ed-up tree planting. What, a hundred years ago? And we’re about to compound the error if we build a back nine to the golf course in the open spaces. It’s vistas isn’t it.’

‘Spot-on.’

‘What happened?’

‘Well you know how after the first war they set up the Forestry Commission, well private landowners were encouraged to do much the same thing, with equally crude results. Funny how the Greens go on about trees, when the country is greener than it has been for well over a hundred years now. Still, the point is, some of the nine holes we have should be part of the back nine, another couple should be trees, then we really need to cut down trees and plant elsewhere. It just has to be handled right.’

‘I’ll tell you what, see that woman who’s just arrived with Tuffy, she used to be in PR, might be useful.’


‘Cat! Give us a hand to bring some stuff in from the car, would you?’

‘Certainly old chap.’ We wandered into the carpark. There was that odd, almost yellow tinge to the light, suggesting there might be snow.

‘What do you make of Tuffy’s new girl?’

‘Well, he’s all over her and she appears to be equally entranced by him.’

‘Good. She’s your distraction.’

‘Really, you set them up?’

‘Well, it didn’t take much, I simply arranged for them to be in the same room at the same time!’ I sprung the catch on the boot, revealing a couple of elegantly printed cardboard crates.

‘Oh I say!’ Cat exclaimed.

‘I know. Here, let me show you a sample. And it’s not just in the packaging. See there, on the back, pucka labelling of contents. Apparently that particular mix of minerals is not only generally good for everything; but is also mildly cathartic.’

‘You mean it makes you shit like clockwork!’

We carried a crate each into the dining area and proceeded to place a bottle (glass) in everyone’s soup bowl. ‘By the way, I’m counting on you to stop unnecessary drunken speech making. Officially, the plan is that the Earl speaks for five minutes on what a wonderful year we’ve had and how next year will be even better. Then Rory gets five minutes, I’ve briefed Prudence to prepare something on what a great honour it is to represent us, and how despite these turbulent times he will strive to protect our freedoms and generally do his best.’

‘So we treat them with the respect they deserve; but give anyone else who insists on standing up, the bird! I’ll see what can be done.’


As you will have imagined, members had over the previous six weeks or so, without invitation, been festively decorating that part of the house given over to the club. As the club secretary tapped his glass, then rose unsteadily to his feet, various low hanging streamers threatened to impede his vision. ‘Lords and ladies, ladies and gents, honoured guests, just one item of business before I call upon our distinguished speakers, the proceeds from this audaciously priced shindig, will as in previous years be going to the homeless shelter in town. I give you his grace, our Chairman of the board, Reggie!’

As Uncle rose, he mumbled loud enough for everyone to hear; ‘Well he’s for the chop, I’m an Earl not a bloody Duke.’

‘Hear, Hear.’ Much banging of the table.

Uncle then proceeded to be as entertaining as usual, it was only at the end of his peroration that he surprised me; ‘Finally I wish to mention someone else without whom our successes would not have been possible. I regret to say, that in the past my nephew Anthony, has often been something of a disruptive and undisciplined influence in our happy community, but this year he has met his nemesis in the form of a companion who in short order has turned him and those who surround him into a force for good, long may it last. Please raise your glasses to Charlotte Sparkwell, saviour of souls…’

I don’t think I’d understood what the phrase 'raucous applause' meant until that moment. The two of us were standing rather embarrassed and somewhat dishevelled in the corner, our aprons thoroughly stained from stray food. I turned to her and said; ‘You notice how he always calls you "Charlotte"! Why don’t you ask him if he’ll give the two of us a tour of the closed part of the house before they leave?’


Rory was word perfect, in other words not his words at all. He stood for unity, tradition and nation - and promptly sat down. A twinkle came into Uncle’s eye when, as everyone was beginning to doze off in the lounge - it was inevitable our amateur cooking should slow everyone down - Charlotte requested a tour. We slipped away just the four of us, me delegated to carry the torch. The temperature was noticeably colder, the light dimmer of course, snow falling gently but persistently outside. Uncle had his regular route, the cellars, the back stairway, servant’s bedrooms, down through state rooms with the climax being the ballroom. As he explained the intricacies of the sprung floor, I took my cue and set up the wind-up gramophone. Suddenly there were the strains of Al Bowlly and the New Mayfair Orchestra with The Very Thought Of You. I asked Julia if she would do me the honour and she duly obliged. A moment or so later Uncle induced Charlie to do the same.

You Ought To See Sally On Sunday provided undeniable evidence that a British band could swing by 1933, although we utterly failed to live up to it. Afterwards Uncle took me to one side and said; ‘You know there’s something I don’t quite understand about you two.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘She told Julia you first met when she was a waitress. But the way you tell it, it all started when she serendipitously turned up on your doorstep as a therapist. Like some Mary Poppins.’

‘Now you’re really pushing it.’

‘Am I? Only teasing, it’s just I’ve stopped believing anything happens by chance with you.’


By six o’clock we had the entire house to ourselves. ‘This is a bit scary,’ said Charlie.

‘Well, let’s see how it goes. I suggest we take some exercise outside.’

We left a couple of lights on, otherwise we had only the faint illumination from the bungalows and the carpark reflecting off virgin snow. ‘This is what’s called privilege by the way, but it still requires effort.’

‘I see that.’

‘Want more of it?’

‘You bet.’

‘Better stick with me then kid! I feel a poem coming on, Robert Frost no less, 1923 if memory serves, he was in rural New England, but it might as well be… Anyway, he’s out with the horse by the woods on a snowy evening; “Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village though; He will not see me stopping here To watch his woods fill up with snow. My little horse must think it queer To stop without a farmhouse near Between the woods and frozen lake The darkest evening of the year. He gives his harness bells a shake To ask if there is some mistake The only other sound’s the sweep Of easy wind and downy flake. The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep”.’


(That’s all for season two folks! This blog will return when I have the time and inclination.)

25: Ghosts of Christmases past

‘Your mail, sir.’

My eye was caught by something bright and shiny entering my periphery. ‘Oh, we like that, we like that a lot, where on earth did you get it?’ Charlie was brandishing a silver tray or platter of some description upon which was a single printed letter, three apparent items of junk mail and the latest edition of The Countrywoman in a plastic wrapper.

‘I found it in a charity shop, I’ve been buffing it up. I hadn’t realised how polishing could be made an exercise in mindfulness.’

‘Oh well! In that case, you’ll find my handmade shoes at the bottom of the wardrobe.’

‘That reminds me I must sort through your clothes, some will need discarding, but most just need altering so they hang properly on your new body. I’m looking forward to meeting your tailor, never met one before.’

‘Yes, I suppose it has to be faced. Edoardo is going to love you, you’ll both be on my case in seconds, I don’t stand a chance.’ Then a thought suddenly struck me. ‘You know, he’s a bit of a sportsman, if you to hit it off, and he appreciates what we’re about, he might have some ideas about how to dress you.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘In your role, to use Daphne’s expression, as my valette.’


Later, as I was concluding a brief perusal of the magazine I couldn’t help wondering what the advertising said about the readership. Inside the back cover the entire page was given over to ‘bespoke’ fencing for an authentic ‘heritage’ effect, supplied by Woodlast Woodcrafts Ltd of Wellingsfield. Well, if it pays the bills I thought.

‘Julia has asked me to become a guest columnist.’

‘Excellent.’ I replied.

‘I’m not sure. There is lots I could say, it’s just I’ve never done that kind of writing.’

‘I’d be more than happy to edit you.’

‘She says most of the magazine has become too old fashioned, but she’s afraid of losing the readers she’s got. Her editor says she wants me to write about wellbeing and ecotherapy, but without the naff language. She says the column needs a title. I can’t image what.’

I found a piece of scrap paper and scribbled “The Home Wood Spirit”. ‘Just off the top of my head, as a start, traditional and modern?’

‘How do you do that? Get started I mean. Creating stuff.’

‘By knowing that the first attempt won’t be great, but then it doesn’t need to be. It just has to get you started.’

‘So how do you know when you’re finished?’

‘Well most people have deadlines. But you should know something can never be perfect, so you stop when it’s good enough, for now!’


‘So what do you normally do for Christmas?’ She said it like she was dreading the answer.

‘Well, it’s always been a sort of back and forth movement between Aunts as you might imagine, just a little less so whenever I’ve been involved with someone. The last couple of years it’s been Checkley for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then to Aunt Elisabeth’s for a Tea with the Book Club on Boxing Day.’

‘A book club on Boxing Day!’

‘Yes, it started life as an ordinary book club, hosted by a local library, but over the years it’s become all Auntie’s cronies, so they now tend to meet in each other’s houses.’

‘Literary, “tea and scandal”.’

‘Now that is good, but if you’re going to remember everything I say…’

‘Were they good Christmases when you were a child?’

‘Yes, and we do the dead a disservice if we don’t remember the good times. Wordsworth said it best, “Surprised by joy - impatient as the Wind ..Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind. But how could I forget thee? Through what power, Even for the least division of an hour…” His three-year-old daughter had died, he reproaches himself for letting the memory of her death, exclude his remembering the joyous moments of her life. Of course it also took me a while to appreciate that my aunts might be missing a brother and sister too. Sometimes it seems important to regress, to be the idiot child, they seem happier when I’m like that sometimes.’

‘My parents are alive and well, I see them about three times a year, but never at Christmas.’

‘There is some talk, that the Club Christmas lunch could be held on Christmas Eve itself. Quite a few of the members have no particular place to go. I could book one of the bedrooms for us?’

‘What about Checkley?’

‘Well they’d be honoured guests at the lunch.’

‘Yes, book a room. No surprises mind.’

‘The only surprise, if it goes ahead on the twenty-fourth, is that the Club has adopted the military tradition of officers waiting on other ranks.’


It was mid-afternoon about a week before Christmas that the apartment doorbell rang triggering the online imagery of two figures, Madam Concierge and our regular postie. Strange.

‘Personal delivery by hand sir, to be signed for’. I hesitated.

‘I found him in the building at an odd hour.’ Said the Dragon as some sort of justification for her presence.

‘I’m not expecting a parcel Barry, any idea what it is?’

‘Has the weight and feel of paper sir, like a mail order catalogue or a pack of printer paper.’

‘There’s no sender info apart from this code?’

‘No sir, they have to give their name and address to our computer though. It’s been scanned for security obviously. All I know is the first five digits there, tell you it’s our district, so a post office sometime after nine this morning.’

‘Thankyou Barry, most helpful, where do I sign?’

After closing the door I sat and fondled the parcel for a while. ‘Well! Open it.’ Charlie instructed.

‘Mm… The sender has clearly walked into one of our main post offices, grabbed stationary, had the counter help parcelling it up, and sent it, paying top whack.’

‘Oh for goodness sake, less of the Sherlock!’

I took my best scissors from the draw and began work. Charlie seemed agitated, rocking a little on her feet, it took me a moment to realise this was hovering - normally felt, not seen. ‘Well you could knock me down with a…’

‘I certainty could.’ She replied.

‘Ha! So much for “Recollections of a Long Life”, the sly old bugger, this is something else altogether, oh look - a note or missive. “Just a first draft you understand, sent it to Eddie, former County Librarian who will edit, thought you ought to see it if you are in this for the long haul.” Well, well. There appears to be a final chapter that is contemporary, but clearly a go at history, rather than gossip…’

‘What’s it called then?’

‘Brilliant, “Cattle Rustlers and Courtiers - a family history”.’


Uncle’s great work, over three hundred pages long, managed to grab our undivided attention in the days running up to Christmas. He wrote as he spoke, but that would be his editor’s problem, not ours. The story was more or less the Reformation to the present day, a gift of land by the Crown, for services rendered during Elisabeth I’s reign. The document screamed loyalty, continuity, community and a spirit of place.

‘He’s challenging you.’ Charlie said.

‘Yes, yes he is. And, despite the lack of a blood tie, offering numerous reasons to spend every last penny on the Park. This isn’t me making money for the Trust, this is Uncle’s mental takeover of another family’s Trust! And there was Julia, thinking it was some other kind of revenge.’

‘He has you snookered old boy!’

24: Recollections of a long life - gone astray

We first heard word of an impending crises at Checkley Manor when Julia texted, asking for a crash meeting. ‘What should I reply?’

‘Er, “We are at the Dissipated Kipper till about 12,00am comma with Tuffy Tufnell full stop”. That should do it.’

‘Why are we here?’

‘Good question, now I’m not particularly religious as you know…’

‘I mean why are we here, meeting Tuffy, I only sorted him a couple of days ago.’

‘I’m sure you did. But I haven’t spoken with him for a while, thought we might catch up.’

‘But why here, a gastropub is hardly your cup of tea.’

‘Well, makes a change. You never waitressed here then?’

‘No. Wish I had now, could have learnt to do proper silver service.’

‘Is that what they call it, formal waiting at table?’

‘Of course.’


When Tuffy arrived I invited him to sit down and asked him what he fancied. ‘That’s alright old man, I’ll order myself at the bar.’ And he was gone.

A moment or two later I turned around and there he was chatting away; ‘My, God. He’s even faster out of the trap than I’d imagined.’

‘Oh no, he’s not trying to pick-up the barmaid?’

‘Succeeding by the look of it. I assumed I’d have to give him a bit of a nudge.’

‘You’re setting him up! After what happened the last time?’

‘Yes, but Carrie’s much more his type and more likely to come across.’

‘And… You’d know all about that I suppose? What’s going on? This is a proper thought through scheme, isn’t it?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘No I don’t, but you think she’s a serious contender for a relationship?’

‘Yep, and the perfect distraction.’

You… You’ve just let me off the hook.’

‘That was the general idea. And I don’t want to know either.’


‘I want you to hack your Uncle…’

‘Say that again.’

‘Stop him, make the words fall off his screen, or whatever it is you do.’

‘That’s not exactly the business I’m in, Julia.’

‘No, but you know people who do.’

‘In the most extreme circumstances, associates of associates, I suppose.’

‘Well this is a real emergency Tony - all our reputations are at stake.’

‘How come?’

‘Your Uncle has taken up writing his memoirs again.’

‘Oh, golly good!’ Turning to Charlie; ‘This has been an on-off project of Uncle’s for some years now, working title - Recollections of a Long Life.’

‘Well he has to be stopped.’

‘Why? You’ve been allowed to read some of it.’

‘Not really, I just caught a glance over his shoulder, that was enough.’

‘What did it say?’

‘It said, “..sometimes I see reflected in my nephew, myself as a younger man”.’

‘Oh, come Julia, that’s the sort of thing that would worry my Aunt Elisabeth, but not you!’

‘I know you Tony, and I know my husband, I know precisely what he intends.’

‘Anyway, Charlie and I are a team now, anything you require of me, will require her approval.’

‘Does Charlotte want to read about the Sixties and Seventies from someone who was there and does remember? All about a couple, who’s company she hopes to go on enjoying for the foreseeable. I’d be embarrassed to be a guest in my own house.’

‘But really, if this is just the old stories about running naked through the woods, high on whatever…’

‘From whom did you here that? Not your Uncle I trust?’

‘I don’t recall. Ill-informed servant’s hall gossip no doubt.’

‘It would be better for all of us if the entire period was airbrushed out.’

‘At the risk of having my head bitten off, who cares? Uncle isn’t exactly a public figure. He’d be unlikely to find a publisher anyway.’

‘But what if he does it as a blog or an e-book? Bots will search, names will link, everyone will know.’

‘Wait a second, let me get this clear. You’re saying Uncle will name, names; some of those are the rich and famous and that will mean his revelations will show up in search results and suggested links all over the Web?

‘Yes.’

‘But why would he name people?’

‘Revenge.’

‘Can I take your order, sir? Nice to see you Tony darling, you are stopping for lunch?’


‘So, what’s he using to write the Recollections?’

‘Bought a new laptop, paid cash for some reason.’

‘Oh yes. You, helped him set up then, got him online?’

‘No, no, he’s been going to a night class, they helped him with all that. Besides, he said he didn’t need to connect to my Wi-Fi yet.’

‘I bet he didn’t.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I think he’s read you like a book, anticipated you’d come to me, taken avoiding action. You didn’t happen to notice if he’d bought uninstalled software on old fashioned discs or flash drives etc.’

‘He said he needed back-up.’

‘Nothing much you can do then I’m afraid. Nothing much any of us can do, if it was all set up with help in a “dead” location, allowing the disabling of location tracking, the Wi-Fi and perhaps more besides. And presumably he’s not done something dumb like carrying a mobile whilst he was doing all this?’

‘Still hasn’t got one.’

‘Well there you are then. Sorry and all that. Just don’t go doing something silly like breaking his password and copying the text into your machine.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it would go straight into your cloud account. Then it would come down to your own default settings. Privacy is usually all about permissions to share, it doesn’t stop your operating system suggesting links for viewing based on whatever content you’ve given it! You might see a link to advice or an app; something interesting about copyright, attribution, plagiarism, libel etc. You click on and read, thinking I must stop Uncle making an arse of himself, yet all the time you are actually, bit by bit, putting his stuff out there for him…’

‘But that’s awful.’

‘Well, only if you think the thinking machine is your enemy, rather than making it your friend.’

‘And how is that supposed to happen?’

‘Well, it sort of requires a change of world view, seeing the machine not as part of some other realm or virtual world, but part of the here and now, it brought us here today via text, sits at the table with us, we interact with it in much the same way as we do with each other, gossiping about you and uncle and the past, showing what we feel. Me trying to be helpful whilst at the same time wondering whether Tuffy is still in the building, because after all I’m pretty certain that when I go and pay the bill I’ll find Carrie loitering ready to interrogate me about said friend…’

‘Who is this Carrie person?’

‘The barmaid, used to be something in PR, associate of the infamous Buffy Trumpton.'

‘All you’ve done is depress me Tony, I was going to reward a positive outcome with an offer about Christmas.’ Suddenly Charlie grabbed me under the table and hung-on - I took it as a danger signal.

‘Ah yes, well we’ve not come to a view as yet on what to do with our Christmases.’

‘So what is your advice, re said memoirs.’

‘Don’t interfere, let him do as he wishes, I can’t believe he’s not taken your feelings into account. After all, a whiff of scandal might be just the thing to shift a few books at the end of day!’


‘I don’t do Christmas.’ Charlotte said categorically, pausing, reluctant to start the engine. ‘I’ll stay at home if you’ve got commitments.’

‘We can do better than that, devise a way of avoiding Christmas altogether. We are not without resources. Of course, there is another alternative.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Create the Christmas we always wanted but never had. I mean, if Charles Dickens could fix it for an entire nation, it can’t be that difficult for the two of us!’

23: Sparkwell and the all-seeing eye

Upon her return Charlie texted asking for a pick-up at the railway station, I duly obliged. The down platform was busy, instinct told me to hang back in the booking hall.

‘Good evening, sir. I trust all is well?’

‘Yes, yes indeed.’

‘Shall I resume my driving responsibilities?’

‘As you wish Sparkwell, as you wish.’


As she stepped over the threshold of the apartment she paused, silhouetted in the hallway, motionless. She seemed to sniff the air. After a couple of seconds of silence I said; ‘Welcome home.’

‘Yes.’ Another pause, then; ‘It’s a bit mucky, I’ll get on.’

So once more I let her take charge, closed the front door and in doing so our world seemed restored.


It wasn’t long after Charlotte’s return that, on entering the Games Room at the Park, we were confronted by the sight of Barmy Gruber - usually to be seen lecturing or sat at a desk writing code - actually doing physical work. He was half underneath the flight simulator and even had his tool kit in from the car. ‘My dear fellow, are you unwell?’

‘Possibly, this is against my better judgement you understand. Sure I have done such projects in the past, but I’m not the most skilled, this is a botch, I think.’

‘I’d rather have you fix it than any of the others!’

‘This is true, but it will fail again, rough handling from the English.’

‘More than likely.’

‘Why are you here, we see much more of Charlie than of you?’

‘I’ve agreed to be thrashed at the pool table - I need the practice.’

‘You deserve it.’ Turning his head slightly he addressed my paramour; ‘You know Charlie, that as soon as our backs are turned, our man here is lunching my wife?’

‘I was not aware of that, sir.’

‘Yes indeed, but to use Daphne’s words “twice he gets his comeuppance”.'

‘Sir?’

‘Twice members interrupted to enquire where you were, you have made yourself indispensable ja, ja?’

‘Thankyou sir, regarding your wife, I suspect my employer’s motives were more gastronomic than carnal.’

‘Yes, this too is my wife’s conclusion.’

‘What is it with you two?’ I interjected. ‘Charlotte you’ve clearly been eating the fish you’ve been catching - you sound more like your fictional mentor than ever. And as for you Gruber, you seem to be reverting, you stopped constructing your English sentences back to front within a term of arriving at school!’

‘Always the way with a Games Room old man,’ said Cat entering stage left. ‘People get competitive, up their game. I guess we could do with a permanent referee. Care to take the job on Charlie?’

‘I’m afraid, I have my hands rather full at the moment.’

‘Well, speaking on behalf of the management’, I asserted, ‘some sort of remote surveillance might well be in order, some kind of crude version of the old Hawkeye plus half a dozen cameras. What do you think Barmy?’

‘The crowd loved it at the cricket this summer, when the third umpire went to level four - or whatever it is - and reversed its own decision! As for Premier League VAR, well time will tell.’

‘I meant the technical feasibility.’

‘Well, with the Darts there would be no point, I understand we’re already on a promise for a reconditioned championship sized automatic scorer. With the Pool, as you should know, the laws of physics make it all a waste of time when there are more than three balls on the table, the flight simulator is a closed system with only one fair-weather daylight runway. As for VR, there are no rules about space, just sensors in the jackets. It comes down to written rules and when are they are ambiguous. That only leaves cheating through deception - misdirection and sleight of hand. Which is your area of expertise, is it not?’

‘Oh, I agree’ said Cat.

‘Undeniable.’ Sparkwell chipped in; ‘Eye movements, tone of voice, emotional facial recognition - he has them all in the two cameras in our car as we speak. I’m expecting him to trade-in the two-seater any day now, for the biggest people-carrier he can find…’

‘Enough! So, it’s sides now is it? I knew this would happen as soon as Uncle and I took control. Well let me remind you all, I’m the one watching your backs! The secretary would be well within his rights if he chose to put an end to all this. And may I also remind the assembled company, the occasional cash tip is ok, so too a modest cash bet between two opposing participants - but anything more will force my hand as well as that of the secretary. Also Charlie, you may not be aware, but some members are a lot less well off than others, come to one of the three of us if you think someone is spending more than they can afford.’

‘Er, Tony, before Charlie humiliates you at the pool table could we have a quick word in private, won’t take a minute.’


Cat and I found a deserted corridor. ‘Talking of watching people’s backs, I’m feeling a bit exposed myself right now.’

‘Go on.’

‘It’s Tuffy, he’s still banging on to anyone who’ll listen, about how convenient it was that the pond should drain when it did, and if it was timely, how could anyone contrive such a situation.’

‘How much does he actually know?’

‘Well that’s the thing, I can’t work out how he could know anything! As far as I can tell he must just suspect he was excluded from something and is fishing to find out more.’

‘Does he realise the events he thinks he missed out on went down when he was in hospital?’

‘I don’t know, anyway it’s always possible he’ll find out something, feel aggrieved and in his ignorance, drop us all in it.’

‘Right, well it’s my responsibility to sort this, and I will as soon as possible, one idea occurs immediately, but it will need to be thought through, what we really want is for Tuffy to remain in the dark and forget the whole thing, right?’

‘Absolutely, he’d never be able to keep it to himself. He was never going to be any use anyway, even if he had been fit.’

‘So, getting him to just drop it and turn his mind to something else is probably the answer. Right, I’ll let you know when it’s done, otherwise keep you out of it.’

‘Thanks old man. You know I don’t think Charlie has quite twigged how you do it yet, I see it in her face, she follows most of the way, then puzzlement.’

‘No doubt you’ll nudge her towards enlightenment.’

‘Naturally, after all one has a moral obligation to keep her safe, what!’


Sparkwell had the table set up. ‘This is meant to be a club, right?’

‘Yes.’

‘But, clubs are meant to be owned and run by their members.’

‘They are, otherwise, they’re not a club. And that’s different from an association, or a business, and any one may in certain circumstances be granted the status of a charity. No, I don’t understand it either, even Bernard Merriweather has to consult somebody else on that one.’

‘But you’re saying, you as an owner can look out for the interests of members?’

‘Yes. The club, of which I am an ordinary member, elects its own committee members and officials, charges fees etc. But it doesn’t own anything other than itself, so to speak; it rents part of the house from the Park company. The current Sec. just happens to also be the general manager of the Park. But that’s strictly his day job, he’s an employee of the company only, has no shares, gets no bonuses related to the performance of the company etc. Now that’s just about as far as my understanding goes. I’m sure your new boss Brinkley would be only too glad to confuse the issue even more.’

‘So, why are you always so concerned about here?’

‘It’s only a Games Room because certain members have decided it is, unofficially. In reality it is the hallway of the house, in other words the main entrance and exit, for the club and the company, in fact both the front door and the back door, and which is which, depends upon the use to which it is being put, at any one time.’

‘Well shouldn’t someone, lay down the law about it?’

‘Absolutely not, it’s the ambiguity that grants freedom, like so many things in life, one day someone will have an accident and you won’t be able to patch them up, but the liability will be, who knows what? I mean members will rally round, do the right thing of course, but nonetheless.’

In time we got on with the game, I restrained myself for several frames (do I mean that, or is that just snooker?) Anyway, I waited till she was well ‘in the zone’, in a state of ‘flow’ as it were, making sure I was always behind her, as close as possible without being tempted to initiate something more intimate - keeping my mind on the job, as it were. ‘Perhaps I should have mentioned, just didn’t seem that important, the couple of enquires about your whereabouts, one was just Cat on behalf of someone who’d pulled a muscle; the other seemed a bit more, involved…’ I paused.

‘Oh, yes.’

‘Tuffy, somewhat agitated, wanted one of his, now what did he call it “special treatments”?’

She continued to clear the table, seemingly unmoved. ‘Well. It’s just getting him to relax, let go really, like that time at the flat.’ The crack of another ball going down. ‘Sort of, self-hypnosis really, not sure what I do to help, he just needs to get his worries out I suppose.’

‘Well, that’s good, I think you should let him talk as much as he wants, then, as you say, let go.’

22: Sparkwell is away (annual leave)

It happened when Charlie was away on holiday and I was left to fend for myself once more. She’d decided to exploit her official status and public persona by announcing she was taking six days from her annual six weeks - and was going fishing. Not a sport I know anything about, clearly demonstrated when I remarked that there were plenty of rivers around the Checkley estate, but she appeared not to have gone anywhere near any of them. ‘You’re not the only one with a computer, the angling community can access the same data as the Environment Agency, without having to actually go there.’ I then expressed the thought that it must be a somewhat lonely kind of holiday, but it turned out she had ‘fishing pals’, some dating back to her not so impoverished childhood, when she was introduced to the river by an Uncle. She said she would have no difficulty in feeling compleat!

‘Will you be requiring a substitute Carer whilst I’m away, sir?’

‘No I most certainly will not!’

‘Just asking, Brinkley thought I ought to check, just for the record.’

‘No doubt the thought amuses him. Now close the door on your way out.’


Now I really don’t know why it is, but when a chap is without his mate, he cannot help but notice other desirable females. Whilst there was no conscious intention of straying in deed; nonetheless the massive, unconscious part of one’s brain appears to be hard-wired to notice potential alternatives. It therefore felt perfectly normal, upon noticing Daphne sat in the lounge at the Park, to sidle-up and enquire whether she was in need of a lunch companion. And indeed she was, on account of her husband being unaccountably delayed in a departure lounge in Dusseldorf.

‘Really, this whole business of commuting to Europe is getting beyond a joke,’ she said as I held a chair for her; ‘Barmy loves it, but the kids are just getting plain confused, and no doubt Brexit will only make it more so for the poor dears.’

‘Yes, I meant to ask you about that, don’t his sundry activities in the academic community rather depend on the old EU being willing to fund that which Her Majesty’s government will not?’

‘Absolutely, but that’s only his pocket money. The real money comes from his family’s stake in the electronics of aeronautics. He’s getting a little nervous about the free flow of cash in the future, as it happens. Anyway, why are you here and palely loitering? I don’t see your Girl Friday about.’

‘Annual leave, alas.’

‘You shouldn’t have hung me out to dry all those years ago then - I never leave Barmy for more than a few hours without putting a little something next to the microwave.’

‘You think I’m just sitting down with you for the sake of a square meal?’

‘The way to a man’s heart… I do confess to missing your wit from time to time, Tony.’

‘Well thank you. It amuses me now, for example, to hear the name Barmy trip of your tongue with just the right emphasis, you used to be a lot more formal.’

‘I know, but after I’d lived with him for a few months I started to realise what you chaps had obviously picked up on, in the third-form dorm.’

We’d barely started when we were interrupted by Cat Mackintosh. ‘I say, I do apologise Daphne old girl, but might I have a quick word with Tony here?’

‘Be my guest.’

‘The thing is, you couldn’t tell me where Charlie is could you?’

‘Gone fishing, but I’m not at liberty to reveal where, officially on leave.’

‘Gosh, thing is we could rather do with her ministering hands.’

‘Can I be of any help?’

‘Hardly old man, fact is she’s been acting as unofficial physio to all us lads in the Games Room.’

‘Has she indeed, she’s kept that quite.’

‘Well, I know she was worried you might get the wrong end of stick, think she’d been moonlighting or something.’

‘You’ve been paying her?’

‘No, no; least not officially, just the occasional tip, I mean the lads are quite generous. After all, there you are, a sudden jolt of pain and you’re out of the game. Charlie steps in, twenty minutes later you feel right as rain and terribly grateful. Opponents like to see you back in the game too, if you see what I mean.’

‘What! If someone’s been running a book we’ll be forced to close you down.’

‘Oh perfectly understood, how long is she away for?

‘Just the week.’

‘Okay. Sorry again for butting in Daphne.’ And with that, he was gone.

‘You know I don’t mean to be catty, but you do realise one day she’ll trade you in for a younger model?’

‘Well, that’s as may be, but the greater folly would be to fool oneself about why she’s with me in the first place.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘I flatter myself that I’m offering something she can’t get elsewhere, that I’m on to a winner.’

‘But isn’t that an even greater conceit?’

‘Now you’re tempting me to expound on my own virtues. Not easy to resist. Talking of which, how about dessert?’


We decided to take our coffees across to the veranda bar and watch progress with the pond. ‘I must say you’ve provided some marvellous entertainment through the summer, shame all the health and safety sculptures are gone now, the recycled junk provided by members was most amusing too, one road sign I especially liked; that one dreamed-up years ago by some tortured soul in the Ministry of Transport when mini roundabouts first came in - “Altered Priorities Ahead”, rather summed the whole place up!’

‘As ever, at your service.’

‘Why is it taking so long to fill-up again?’

‘Same reason it got rather stagnant before, there’s very little coming in from up stream. But we are supplementing that by pumping in some of the spring water. At the same time we’re replacing the upper and lower sluice gates, make sure it flows just enough. Nonetheless, we are going deliberately slow, rather hoping that the odd flora and fauna that’s migrated in recently, and will migrate as it fills, will take off. There’s also the question of the spa?’

‘I don’t follow.’

‘Well, the well of the spring, how much can we take out? Does it replenish itself fast enough for just a pretty little drinking fountain, or enough for hydrotherapy in the new extension to the spa. Perhaps even enough for a highly select mineral water, on sale only to the…’

‘This is the first I’m hearing of all this.’

‘Very much in the planning stage, I really must tell my fellow investors and the committee about it soon.’

‘One day you’ll get bored and turn to crime, just to see if you can get away with it.’

‘Now there’s a thought.’

‘I say! Sorry to butt in but, where on earth has Charlotte gone?’

‘Afternoon Tuffy.’ I replied. ‘You’re the second person in the space of an hour to ask that question.’

‘Sorry. She’s not ill is she?’

‘Sparkwell, ill? She never gets ill, enjoying good country air as it happens, on leave. Why do you ask?’

‘Rather hoping she was free, could fit me in, one of her special treatments don’t you know.’

‘No, I don’t think I do actually.’

‘Well we have this sort of arrangement, whenever I’m a bit out of sorts, she takes me out of myself, sort of deep relaxation, meditation thing, works wonders.’ I must have had a quizzical look on my face for he added; ‘For the appropriate recompense of course!’

‘She’ll be back next week.’

‘Oh well, can’t be helped I suppose’, he said as he wandered off, head down.

Then Daphne was pinged; ‘Good lord, something’s happening. “Boarding now”. How long will it take me to get to the airport at this time of day?’

‘An hour, an hour and ten.’

‘I’d better think about shaking a leg then. So, what is the secret of you and the valette? Being with a smart aleck like you all the time isn’t the easiest thing in the world, it’s fine when you turn on the charm, when you’re warm as well as supremely competent, but when you’re cool and competent you just make everyone else feel inadequate!’

‘Difficult to say, we don’t actually spend much time looking at each other and talking things through, we seem to be fully occupied following each other around all day.’

‘Really. I’ll have to think about that one. Anyway, must dash, at least now there’s a chance we’ll both be home before childcare gets the hump. Cheerio.’

‘Do give my fondest to your mother.’