35: Going live

‘Do you remember my brother?’ Asked Hans.

‘I never met him. All I remember was in our final year you telling us he had got a place at MIT to do engineering. Ah, a red light has just started flashing in my brain.’

‘That’s right. And he stayed there. And over the years he didn’t switch to computer science like everybody else, he went into accountancy.’

‘Oh, god.’

‘Oh, yes. And now he is financial advisor to half of the Boston tech community! Imagine my surprise when he told me that you were the money behind one of these MIT start-up, spin-offs.’

‘Not all of it, I assure you!’

‘Something that is supposed to be all about driverless technology but isn’t, more monitoring driver behaviour. Then he says to me you know how these brain scientists and psychologists still once in way do animal experiments, in controlled environments? Well, not much longer he says, soon humans will volunteer to become their own lab rats, in their own mobile labs!’

‘So presumably, that’s when you allowed your brother to upgrade you from the nineteenth to the twenty-first century?’

‘That and the fact that the EU began thinking there must be something wrong about sheep being allowed to roam freely on a mountain in a national park. So, anyway you stay awhile, have a day on the mountain, help-out with the sheep? I could take you down to the railway the day after tomorrow?’

Wandering the hills was something we’d never done together before, much talk of adjusting to sounds, apparent silence that slowly becomes filled with a whole new palette, quite distinctive from the patchwork peninsula countryside we were most familiar with. We soon realised we were following the paths made by the sheep. I’ll brush over the athletic sex with attitude at altitude - which I know is the last thing you want spelt-out. It was obvious when to return, we just followed the sheep.

‘Stay back, there’s still a few to come.’ We’d been approaching the sheep pens and watching Hans filling the feed troughs. There must have been a hundred and fifty or so, and the noise! ‘Tony, you’ve done this before, when I point one out, grab it high on one of the back legs, then flip it and I’ll take a look.’ After I’d helped for a while, Charlie was invited to join in. Inevitably at one point she fell over backwards, Hans roared with a laugh that seemed to echo around the valley now that most of the sheep were quietly consuming. I went over to help her get her arse out of the mud, bending down I said; ‘Ever wondered what schadenfreude means? You’re looking at it!’

Going back down the mountain was the scariest part of the whole trip. We sat on the bench seat of Hans’ farm truck, with Charlie in the middle. Knowing the track so well Hans had just his left hand on the wheel and having to stay in a low gear, spent the whole-time gesturing with his right, keeping up a constant dialogue with himself about EU agriculture policy and the behaviour of his neighbours. To us strangers it felt like a bare-knuckle ride! It wasn’t that much better once we were on the main road, here was a man who clearly expected to have all roads to himself! In the end, as with so many greetings and farewells these days, the effusive praises seemed to be being directed at Charlie.

One night and almost two half days later, we took a taxi home from the railway station. It dropped us at the communal entrance by the side of the complex. ‘You never have explained, is the whole place actually owned by the trust?’

‘The freehold yes, plus the lease on our apartment.’

‘Which explains why you have part of the original with the best views and the biggest rooms.’

‘You’ve been getting to know the neighbours. Sort of, all before my time, father’s big project really.’

‘How come?’

‘Well the original Georgian terrace suffered bomb damage at both ends during the war. Now, it had been rundown before, in the nineteen thirties, so things were just patched up a bit, but basically left. Father, had the grand idea of saving the façade and redeveloping the rest out the back. He started by buying up a few of the leases, then just waited. Eventually the whole place came up for auction, some interest, not a lot, he reckoned he got a bargain because of the location and size of the site. Then he set about looking for a developer...’ I was interrupted in mid-flow.

‘Excuse me, sir!’

‘Jim! You look quite, flushed.’

‘I wanted to catch you before you realised what happened. And explain like.’

‘What has happened?’

‘Well we weren’t expecting it, there’s no storage anywhere else at the moment, so we had no choice but to enter your premises and just dump it, there’s an awful lot of it.’

‘Oh, I see. It doesn’t take up that much space does it?’

‘Well, it didn’t weight that much, but you get that with electronic stuff don’t you, more packaging than the actual thing. Let me help you with that bag, sir.’

Jim proceeded to lead the way. ‘What’s he talking about?’ Said Charlie.

‘Shtoom.’ I whispered.

‘What?!’ Exclaimed Charlie on entering.

‘Thank you Jim, there’ll be something in your Christmas stocking.’ I was just about able to close the apartment door.

‘That was a bit offhand, it’s barely summer!’

‘He understands. Still, a little more bulky than expected.’

‘But what is it all?’

‘Our media suite.’

‘What, like do-it-yourself tv studio?’

‘More or less, don’t worry it’ll be very discreet, you won’t notice it most of the time.’

‘Here? In case you hadn’t noticed it’s already an office, a library, lounge and the only space big enough for any kind of indoor exercise.’

‘Well all this packaging breaks down to a couple of the latest remote tv cameras, tripods, monitors, minimum cable, some extra lighting if it should be required. The stage is done, the classy, sophisticated set - complete!’

‘But why, who are you going to be broadcasting to?’

‘Well just the people I already Web chat to really, I just need to train myself up for now, and stay ahead of the opposition with the tech.’

‘So, what, ponce about, whilst expounding on your latest ideas?’

‘Well, walk and talk might be a bit ambitious at first. Just sit casually at the desk. Work out the ideal set-up, say, quite a lot in-shot of the old antique desk, with my latest devices discretely lying around. Learn to calm my face and gestures when it’s more or less a close-up, but all with tv quality and the accomplished background.’

‘This is going to take days to clear.’

‘We can work on it together. You may wish to use it yourself; I can just see you as an online instructor in more or less alternative anything. We know the camera likes you.’

‘I’d be lost for words, I’m not like you, in love with the sound of your own voice.’

‘I’ll ignore that. But think, you have the presence, the stillness, perfect for camera work, besides, you can work to a script, we just place one of the monitors just to one side of the camera, they can be fed autocue easily enough.’

‘Blimey, you have got it all worked out.’

‘Don’t I always.’

‘I’ll make some tea - if I can find the bleedin’ kitchen?!’

34: Charlie's road movie

‘With respect Jack, that’s not an answer. We need more if we’re to proceed, not the whole story of course, but how was the approach made?’

‘You’ve not talked to him?’

‘Not for ten years. He’s not online as far as I know. We communicate via snail mail from time to time, plus the occasional unsolicited gift of a rare goat’s cheese!’

‘He got in touch about six months ago, said could I get the latest version of what you’ve got? I assumed you were in on it.’

‘I’ve been there Jack! I would not take my car up that mountain. It would be knackered within the week.’

‘Well, when I say what you’ve got, it’s the new four by four version, plus various bits of personalisation.’

‘I see, I’ve read about it in the media, perhaps we should spend some time with the user’s manual?’

‘Piece of cake, but when you do go off the main roads check the clearance, can’t be sure we have the default on the suspension right for four by four where you’re going. Still, your mate must know what he’s about, suggesting you as delivery boy.’

‘Yes, still, a set-up is a set-up whichever way you slice it. I know the car is assembled in the UK but it’s full of European bits and mostly made for export, there must be some dealers in France?’

‘That’s the invoice there, despite all the zeros he is getting it cheap, and fully road tested right-up to his front door.’

‘So, you’ve collected the lion’s share already. How does he pay the remainder?’

‘He has a good mobile connection, just watch him make the transfer, and all’s done - and we hold over your expenses to be compensated for in some fashion, sometime soon.’

‘What if we breakdown?’ Charlie asked.

‘You almost certainly won’t, and if you did you’d know the problem and you’d do what you’d do with your own car. The breakdown cover in the docs is quite legit like everything else.’

‘This is the contact number?’

‘Sure.’

‘Right.’ I took out my mobile. ‘I’ll text.’

‘What are going to say?’ Charlie chipped in.

‘Ask the name of a good restaurant close to one of our older universities!’

‘So he respects you for not trusting him?’

‘Absolutely. And as for that Hans, clearly his situation has changed, and he now wants the best. I imagine once he gets a look at you, he’ll harbour further ambitions.’

‘We’ll have an hour to spare if you want to go hunting for cod & chips.’

‘That’s extraordinarily generous of you, but we’ll be offered copious amounts of food once on board, throughout the eight hours!’

After boarding and checking out the cabin, we took a turn around the deck, watching the land recede as we sailed. All very clichéd really. Then we went in search of food. Settled at the table, Charlie started pursuing the free tourist map thoughtfully supplied by the ferry company. ‘So where are we actually going?’

‘About half an hour beyond Carcassonne we turn left, then almost immediately it becomes a narrow mountain track, very green, dark and chilly, one in four in places, that we’ll take with caution, so after about twenty-five minutes the track runs out into Hans’ farmyard!’

‘And your route?’

‘Rennes, Le Mans, Tours, Poitiers, Limoges, Toulouse, Carcassonne.’

‘Le Mans! You’ve got this all schemed-out haven’t you?’

‘No, no I haven’t, Hans has. He’s playing me. He must have been following me for years online. Ha! Sending me grubby little notes scribbled on the back of old postcards smelling of sheep shit, wrapped in an airmail envelope, gifts of the smelliest cheese he can find - I’ll have him! Viruses of the mind, memes, trying to hack my brain.’

‘Chill-out, enjoy the trip.’

After a pause. ‘I can’t imagine getting by without you, you know.’

‘Shut, up! So, do we get to do the Le Mans circuit?’

‘What we do I think is the straight, gently let the speed rise to seventy-five or eighty for the first time, then text the bastard some sort of short, situation report. We need to join in the spirit of the thing, get in his good books, then he’ll confess all.’

‘So, this all goes back to university, was he there because of old family money like the rest of you?’

‘Well, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember. But I doubt any of us approached the subject, I mean German history over the last one hundred and fifty odd years and all that. Same with Barmy, much of what these guys do may be meant to be a break with the past.’

‘Doesn’t bare thinking about.’

‘And Hans looks the part too, blond, blue eyes, well over six foot - Hollywood casting.’

‘That’s enough food. You’ve still got work to do.’

‘You want to explore the full potential of that cabin do you?’

‘Oh no, we have another full turn of the deck to do.’

The following morning found me still at the wheel. Leaving the coast behind Charlie suddenly piped-up, ‘You haven’t had the computer on!’

‘No, that wouldn’t be fair, and might sow suspicion. And I suppose, no that’s not possible, he’d need a lot of help for that.’

‘What are you thinking?’

‘Well with a lot of help, he might be able to not just follow, but track!’

‘God, what a suspicious mind you have.’

‘I know, anyway if there is some financial dodge, better the car doesn’t remember the trip.’

‘When do you want me to take over?’

‘After Rennes I think, everything is as manual as it can be at the moment, no power steering, gears, suspension as hard and low as it can be, I think? But it doesn’t feel like it’s as stuck to the road as ours. Anyway you’ll feel it for yourself, if Le Mans is okay then we’ll start playing around.’

As we approached Rennes Charlie piped up. ‘There’s some sort of service area thingy indicated.’

‘Ah yes, now then. I’m going to ignore that, because although it won’t be the same as the old days, nonetheless, just for form’s sake, we should get off on the right foot and begin the adventure toasting ourselves with some ex-SNCF Gare vin de table!’

Alas, all the catering had moved from the older station buildings. We drank and nibbled in plastic and glass surroundings. Charlie commented; ‘You seemed to be enjoying your conversation with that booking clerk.’

‘Well, yes. He advised against booking anything, just be opportunistic about what comes along, especially since we are one hundred per cent dependant on Hans bringing us off the hill into Carcassonne. But we’ve no real idea what time of day that will be. Still, Carcassonne to Toulouse is one journey, on a semi-fast local. At Toulouse we can be sure to get on a TGV set, but nonetheless the line is still mostly just an upgrade of the old mainline, so it’ll take as long to go Toulouse-Paris as it took us to go Paris-Antibes.’

As Charlie began to relax behind the wheel, she confided; ‘One day when Brinkley spotted me on my own with the car, he started to ask me how much of the driving I did, how much responsibility I took.’

‘He did, did he?’

‘He grumbled about how expensive this kind of motoring is. I didn’t say anything about deals with Jack or anything.’

‘Ata girl.’

‘He reckoned that because officially I’m as poor as a church mouse, then if I owned our car, it would be cheaper for the trust.’

‘He’s wooing you. That’s an attempt at seduction. The trust owns the car officially, what he wants is for you to lease it back or some similar loan type arrangement, like an employee car loan as if it were required for your job, so you end up giving back to the trust in repayments even more of the money it pays you. At the same time it opens up another line in the accounts for expenses - playing one off against the other to minimise the overall tax burden depending on which way the wind is blowing.’

‘But surely, it would cost as much in his fees as it would save?!’

‘Sure, but he gets off on this kind of stuff, professional pride. One really has to keep a firm hand on such people.’

We spent an hour or so at the Le Mans motor museum, then did our little time trial. We took a selfie in front of the car, and along with the stats, texted it to Hans.

‘He likes it, wants more, what should I reply?’

‘Er, “See you before dusk tomorrow, will test all auto functions en route and report. Do you wish me to boot up and test computer, question mark?”

There was a pause for about five minutes, then; ‘Here we go, “Leave computer, you must teach me from beginning when you arrive. I expect regular reports next twenty-four hours.”

‘Yes, he’s trying not to show panic.’

Trouble was, there wasn’t much to report, except the ever-changing countryside. We’d had no time to find a nice Chateau hotel, so made do with a motel almost totally devoid of human interest. We tried every combination of auto and driver-assisted technology the car had to offer. I half expected Charlie to demand I place an immediate order with Jack for a trade-up - but she didn’t. We sent a few more technical sounding reports and photos. Just before the turn-off onto Hans’ road, I pulled over, adjusted the clearance.

‘It looks pretty odd, ruins the whole look, the slick styling suddenly turns chunky and boxy.’

I got out, and saw what she meant. ‘I agree. Still, better safe than sorry. Check your device.’

‘No new message.’

‘I was sure there’d be a request, with list, for the Super Marché! Okay then. One last text; “Leaving D5 now.”

I couldn’t help myself, after five minutes of growing confidence and no message saying anything was coming down the hill, I got in the groove. I put the lights on. With the heavy vegetation in the valley, the falling light and the relative silence, there was every chance he’d see us coming. In the end I almost over did it, not coming out of the trance until I saw him waiting in the yard. Perhaps he realised he’d need to show himself.

‘Blimey is that him?’

‘Absolutely. Now then, you go and introduce yourself, then bring him over to sit in the passenger seat.’

‘What about the dogs?’

‘Dogs? Oh, the collies, he’ll signal them as soon as he sees you coming. And don’t panic if he goes into a kissing hands routine and offers to show you his ancestral duelling sword!’

33: Sojourn suspended

Working in the old vegetable garden at Checkley, I never fail to marvel at the ingenuity of the Victorians, the practical knowledge of practical men. The practical woman of course was Cook, she stood between the lady of the house and the Head Gardener when it came to veg. The two of them were of equal status, but she decided what was required and rejected the over ripe or past their best. It was only when it came to flowers that the Head Gardener got face time with the lady of the house, but there he was up against real talent. It was thought appropriate that every well brought up young woman should have the artisanal skills of interior design. Flowers, perfectly grown to survive a long time indoors were required so they could be crafted into table decorations or worn as accessories. That was the order of the day, sometimes every day!

Such musing helped me focus and endure the tedium of field work. Pruning vines using traditional methods is at one and the same time skilled and extremely repetitive. Meanwhile Charlie was probably using more muscle in the woods. She could hack more than I, but required equal accuracy so as not to expend unnecessary energy. Efficiency was what kept you on your feet all day. Nonetheless I was thinking of lunch well before lunchtime, and perhaps that’s the way it should always be.

Coming back down to the house it was the smell of fresh bread and homemade soup that hit me as I scrapped the mud from my wellies. I promptly legged it to the kitchen.

‘Job done?’ Asked the wicked Uncle.

‘I’m not that quick, still the end is in sight. You should really walk that garden at least twice a week between now and harvest.’

‘Just as you say. So, when are we going to bottle the 2018?’

‘I was rather afraid you were going to ask that. The thing is…’ I was interrupted mid-flow by my mobile. ‘Intriguing, it’s Jack “Can you deliver new car for us? A.S.A.P No one else available. Client says he knows you. I’m to say it’s the German Shepherd”. Well bugger me, sorry, but I’m going to ring back right away.’

Jack picked-up almost at once. ‘..I’m here with my nearest and dearest ..and relatives ..and kindly do not refer to her as Sparky! ..I know they’re just a bunch of grease monkeys! If they want to be cheeky, she is Charlie to her friends, now then, the German Shepherd was at the top of the Massif Central when last heard of ..Good lord! ..Really! Well yes it does have a certain logic to it, we do both know the car, use to left-hand drive and French roads for sure, but really do you realise how far that is? ..at least that from here, it’ll take for ever with the ferry and we won’t be able to open her up until well beyond halfway! ..I do think so, if my motor was anything to go by ..right well I’ll consult, good afternoon to you too. Did you get all that?’

‘Practically none of it! For a start who is the German Shepherd?’ replied Julia.

‘We were at university together, belonged to the same dining club.’

‘Smash-up any good restaurants by any chance? Male-only I suppose.’ Interjected Uncle.

‘Absolutely not, we usually had female guests. That was when Daphne and I were an item, come to think of it, I think she was there the night I met Hans.’

‘Who’s Hans?’ Asked Charlie.

‘The German shepherd of course. He is German, and he is a shepherd. And that’s the thing, we were always speculating about dream jobs, lifestyles; because, you know we were all rather afraid we’d end up doing something dreary. I well remember Daphne said she’d just like to carry on doing what she was doing right now, and I suggested she could if she made herself into a female Master of Wine. She did in fact work for a traditional wine merchant for a while before she met Barmy, but I suspected she quite fancied Hans, anyway Hans said he would breed rare sheep and the last I heard, about ten years ago was...’

‘Yes, I think we get the picture. Now who is Jack?’

‘Tony’s friend, the dodgy secondhand car dealer.’

‘No, no, no. She’s winding me up. Jack runs a classic car dealership and a filling station, the car that needs delivering is brand new, under five hundred on the clock, same model as mine only left-hand drive. Jack’s doesn’t have a regular driver, just anyone who’s at hand, and anyway it turns out Hans is still up the same mountain.’

‘So what’s A.S.A.P about it? I hope you’re not proposing to leave us in the lurch?’

‘Well, Jack’s in a sort of a hole, contractual obligations, agreed price, second instalment on the set delivery date. We get a holiday, pick up the cost of travel. Then Jack will owe me one.’

‘You’re prepared to go to all that trouble for this chap?’

‘Well he is a pal.’

‘Tony is sort of informally in business with him, I can’t pretend to understand. Most of the time no actual cash seems to change hands.’

‘Well, we just do the occasional favour for each other, very useful bloke to know, keeps me in touch with the seamer side of life.’

‘How’s Daphne’s mother?’ Julia broke in.

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Sorry, I’m still several minutes behind, strange woman but I liked her when we met at their wedding, obviously we were all a bit distracted by the slight unpleasantness, but nonetheless.’

‘Er, okay I think, gets roped into looking after the kids a lot.’

‘They have children?’ Interrupted Charlie. ‘I thought this wedding was quite recent.’

‘It was, a couple of years ago. We’re still trying to work out why. Even then the two girls were ten and eight?’

‘Something like that. She was anxious I should know how happy she was because now it was all official, I don’t think she was quite sober, she ended up confiding far too much about the problems Daphne had conceiving.’

‘How does a sheep breeder afford a new version of your luxury motor?’

‘Well, he must be a success. Although I confess when I was there before things were pretty spartan and of course miles from anywhere.’

‘There is no money in keeping a rare breed. Besides, everything is done in labs on industrial estates in the larger rural towns these days.’

‘Well I guess we’ll find out. Are you up for this Charlie?’

‘Oh yeah, I like a bit of rallying.’

‘You won’t want to, believe me, once you’re behind the wheel it will feel very different to our mean machine.’

‘So you are going to run out on us!’

‘It needs some planning, I’ll think it through in the garden this afternoon, then get online this evening. As for the bottling, I think it may be far too early, you may have to keep on calming that juice down first!’

Before bed Charlie and I conferred. ‘I’ll finish in the vines tomorrow morning, after lunch we head home, grab extra warm clothing, walking kit etc. Just in case. Leave our car with Jack, pick up the new car and the documents, find out how I’m supposed to hand over the vehicle in exchange for the final payment, head off for the night sailing to Brittany.’

‘What could go wrong?’ She said, rolling her eyes.

‘All manner of things, but flexibility and a preparedness for the unexpected is the order of the day.’

‘And you need to find out how Hans got to know you would be the driver?’

‘You seem to be learning more from me, than I’m learning from you.’

‘Oh! Just you wait sunshine, just you wait!’