10: Sparkwell's confession

Charlie and I took the omnibus to Jack’s garage. He had summoned us both, requesting I give a demonstration.

‘It’s not that I don’t trust you Tony, it’s just that me and my crew get a bit nervous when a customer asks us to fit kit we’ve never heard of and don’t understand, especially when it’s obviously a computer bigger than the last one!’

‘Well I’ve never trusted you, so why should you return the favour?’

‘They had to botch around the dash a bit to make it fit, absolute limit size wise.’

‘Bring your tablet along, if you let me use it I’ll bookmark the websites for the software I’ll be downloading later. All I can show you today is what comes with it.’

‘Fair enough.’

I sat in the driver’s seat. ‘Okay, so what we have here has the same hardware capabilities and processing power of the latest mobiles or tablets but with a lot more storage. The preloaded software is designed to collect any data it can from other vehicles, the sort of stuff driverless technology would need, nonetheless such data would still have to be uploaded somewhere else every other day or so to prevent the machine grinding to a total halt. My evil intent however is to divert that capacity for other purposes. But, just as a demo, there you go!’

‘That’s meaningless code to me old son!’

‘Hang on, how about, there - the architecture of radio turned into a floor plan!’ The screen was suddenly showing a pictogram of the fifteen or so cars in, and immediately outside, the garage.

‘Yeah, that’s what’s going to do for us if we don’t look sharp about it. We need faster turnaround, get them back in the owner’s driveway by the time the snoopers do a sweep…’

‘Hang on, there you go, that one has its computer on, and that’s the list of identifiable stuff. Now look there, I don’t know but isn’t that suggesting it has components from more than one vehicle?’

‘Fuck!  That’s the one my main man is working on right now! Anyway, that’s our problem. What I want to know is, what is it going to be recording the next time you and your sidekick turn up?’

‘So, my interest is,’ turning now to Jack’s tablet; ‘First this company’s driver and passenger facial recognition software, also here for facial emotion recognition, there for eye movement, and finally this site for voice recognition and voice emotion.’

‘Well I’m sure you’ll make a mint whatever you do.’ He stepped out of the passenger seat and held the door for Charlie; ‘I should stick with him love, I know he goes about like he’s landed gentry with all the time in the world - but he’s always ahead of the game!’ She had no answer for that, so he carried on; ‘I heard your pal Tufnell got picked up last night, I expect you’re off to Court next?’

‘No business of ours, if he’s pinched something for a bet, again, that’s his look out.’

‘Oh I think it might be more serious than that, some disturbance at a club I’m told. Went a bit bananas, so maybe the magistrate will palm him off on to mental health.’

‘Thanks for the intel Jack, see you soon.’

‘You’re not concerned about Tuffy?’

‘No. If he wants help he’ll find a way of getting in touch.’

‘How on earth did Jack know?’

‘He has his network, and he’s very precise and purposeful in what he says, he told me in order to get my response and pass it back up the line to wherever the information came from.’

‘This is all very mysterious, all very boy’s games. What was that about trust anyway?’

‘We both believe in human fallibility, therefore we don’t take things on trust, we’re practical men, we test things out, start over in each new situation because we know we don’t know what’s going on. Jack was admitting he doesn’t know and is prepared for his potentially dodgy practices to be exposed in order to find out.’

‘You gave him more than you needed to.’

‘I want him on side, I want him to succeed, there’s a lot to be gained from so called “driverless technology” but it sure as hell isn’t autonomous vehicles on the open road!’

‘Now you’ve lost me.’

Back at the apartment, Charlie remained in reflective mode; ‘Why all the high tech body language stuff, hardly natural behaviour in natural environments?’

‘Simple, it’s more accurate and reliable than humans.’

‘People love finding out about others nonverbals, but when it comes to their own, and trying to change them - they loath it!’

‘Yep!  And when they see it coming back at them from the screen they’ll go into even greater paroxysms of denial.’

‘So how is it ever going to be useful?’

‘The outsider looking on sees the truth of it in others; the teacher, employer, police, intelligence community, mental health eventually. They’ll insist. By which time the thinking machine will be unstoppable.’

‘What about privacy, and freedom of choice?’

‘Two popular myths, always were. That won’t change. And people’s unconscious learning and behavioural responses will carry on regardless too.’

‘So why bother?’

‘When the machine keeps telling you what is natural to homo sapiens and therefore healthy too, eventually a few will exploit that and force others to follow. Those who can’t, or won’t, will select themselves out.’

‘As in evolution?’

‘Sure.’

‘I’ve got to level with you. I’m not altogether what I seem.’

‘Okay. But if you’re about to confess to stuff that is already checkable online, I probably already know, I did quite a bit of searching before I let you through the door for the first time.’

‘None of this matters to me Charlie.’

‘I know, that’s why I love it here. I just had to say it out loud, for myself really.’

‘Just, please go back to squatting on your mat, let go, you’ll be focused again in seconds.’

‘Okay.’

‘I mean, anyone born and named Charlotte in the mid-eighties, and your school is on your CV, everyone with my background knows it’s the ultimate private school for so called problem kids. Besides, look at me, being told I had learning difficulties because I was ‘high functioning’! That always felt like being patronised by the less intelligent. I’ve sat in the waiting rooms of so called specialists alongside plenty of people like you who were meant to be there for the opposite reason. Thought to be thick as shit and vulnerable because you would naively navigate the world with your emotions rather than with your reasoning…’

‘But there’s a “but”.’

‘Is there?’

‘Now we’re getting on like a proper couple, in private; I’d like us to stick with the employer, employee thing, even, master and servant - when anyone else is around.’

‘It doesn’t bother you, the status thing, gender roles…’

‘No. As you’ve said, legally I could take you to the cleaners if ever we split-up. I like the game, I want to stick it to the others like you do. Besides, the structure of the old-fashioned daily routines, that stuff keeps me focused, keeps me on the level.’

‘By the way, I ought to say, Julia gets it.’

‘You told her about me?’

‘No, but she’s pretty good at picking up on stuff, she’ll always be on our side, just be aware she sees a lot.’

3: Tuffy and the female of the species

‘Morning, sir.’

I opened my eyes only to find Sparkwell staring down at me, hands on hips and entirely naked, a moment later I realised the duvet had been pulled back. ‘Is the building on fire?’

‘No! It’s time to move to phase two of the programme, from now on we will be showering together, I wash you first, then you wash me.’

I followed her to the bathroom. ‘I should take a pee…’

She nudged me toward the cubical. ‘Just let-go, whenever you feel like it.’ It didn’t surprise me to find the shampoo, conditioner, assorted soaps and the flannel, all gone. ‘This is a bar of the simplest vegetable soap, we use it only on the armpits, arse and genitals. Your hair will return to its natural condition within a couple of weeks. No kneeling by the way, only squatting.’

Afterwards, whilst we were towelling each other off, and I was taking instruction on her hair, Charlie brought me up to speed. ‘There was a text from last night, your school chum Mr Tufnell requested an urgent meeting. I replied that today’s consultations would be at Macy’s from 11,00 am.’

‘He probably imagines himself in love again.’

‘Do you have an App for that?’

‘No, but I damn well should have. I’ll think on it. You know I’m sure I’m losing weight.’

‘You are. But it has to be in the right places. The diet won’t work without the right exercise at the right time, with the right intensity and the right body movements. We need to remove the premature ageing. But first I’ll have to loosen you up. We begin basic yoga this afternoon.’

‘Is there a principal to all this Charlie, you know I’m better with concepts than practicalities.’

‘Follow my arse, twenty-four seven.’

‘I always have.’

‘Push me, it’s what puts the smile on my face.’

‘I felt that.’

‘I’ll lay out our clothes for the day, sir.’

‘Tuffy old man, who amongst your regiment of relatives and friends really makes you jump-to?’ I asked as we settled at the corner table.

‘Well, quite a few of them put the fear of God into me.’

‘Yes, I get that, but fear isn’t exactly the best motivator in the long term is it? I mean who’s authority do you really respect, who’s the person you instinctively like the most, the person who, at the end of the day, you would obey because you knew it was the right thing to do?’

‘Gosh, well um, it’s hard to say...’

‘Tuffy! Whose image flashed across your mind as I spoke a moment ago?’

That forced a pause. ‘No, that’s - perverse.’

‘I believe you. Well, go and find five minutes of audio of his or her voice, give it to me, along with your device, then I’ll fix it so you can use it only via voice activation and the virtual assistant.’

‘No way! Anyhow, we’re not here to discuss your latest hacking schemes. Don’t you think Fiona is just the most wonderful girl you’ve ever met?’

‘Hard to say on the basis of a few minutes standing in a queue, with you desperate for her to serve you that ludicrous drink, plus the double chocolate chip muffin thing, and the toasted what’s it - which has already disappeared I notice.’

‘It was an instant click.’

‘Just as it was with all your other five day flings, now too numerous for you to remember.’

‘Passing fancies alas. This is the real thing.’

‘They always are. Tuffy, you have the worst case of Waitress Affective Disorder the world has ever seen.’ Suddenly there was a muffled cough, clearly Sparkwell was now lurking, rather than just skulking in the background.

‘I say old man, that’s not quite what one expects from an old and trusted friend.’

‘I’m surprised your sundry carers haven’t dragged you off to the consulting rooms of the notorious Dame Alicia Dolby. Come to think of it, she’s one of your lot, isn’t she? Twice removed or something.’

‘Who, she?’ murmured Charlie.

‘Our great nation’s leading looney doctor, Chair of the Royal College of Mentalists, and when called upon, Turnkey-in-Chief to the sons of gentlewomen. Besides, you shouldn’t ask, young Sparky, you should search - that’s what your new “top of the range” device is for.’

‘According to Mother, the Dame’s latest thing is the PMCS, the Pre-Marital Compatibility Scale - can you believe it?’

‘Out to undermine the “relationship guidance” market eh! You know, those types get away with it because people only turn-up after the trouble has started, then the therapist strings it out by claiming they can fix all. Well, they’re ripe for the taking, even with only the merest whiff an evidence base.’

‘Apparently if you score less than seventy-five per cent the whole thing’s off, less that fifty and you’re whipped into treatment right away. Of course it all depends on what kind of Plan you’re on.’

‘Look old chap, I don’t mean to be brutal, but you do realise your pretty lass is being nice to all the customers, especially the chaps, that way they spend more, it’s her job! She even uses more or less the same words with every bloke likely to put his hand in his pocket.’

‘But she let me buy her lunch the other day, she was hanging on my every word.’

‘Tuffy, these chain store coffee shops send their staff on training days just to learn how to butter-up the punters, they even have names for this kind of stuff, like “The Script” or “The Conversation”. You know all about this Sparkwell, you’ve done a bit of waitressing in your time.’

‘I really couldn’t say, sir.’ That made me pause, she hadn’t sir-ed me outside the confines of the flat or car before.

As we strolled home along the Prom, Sparkwell turned and confronted me. ‘You were bit strict with me back there.’

‘But, you sort of, like that?’

‘Not in public.’

‘Tuffy counts as public? Yes, of course he does. I’m sorry.’

Then, with just the hint of a chin thrust, she declared; ‘Never apologise, never explain.’

‘Then I’ll take it as read you already knew this Fiona sort, knew her place of work and that she was the object of the affections of the aforementioned?’

‘Naturally. You were a bit hard on him too, glib. I mean he’s the real thing isn’t he, a toff and a bit of an idiot? Whilst you lay it on, to disguise what you’re really up to.’

‘It’s all there for those with eyes to see. And it takes one to know one.’

‘All’s fair in love and war.’

‘First we try, then we trust.’

During our first yoga session, Charlie took me through breathing while standing and moving, the core, the centre - where all movement should begin and end. She did it by placing me behind her and by talking to the wall rather than face to face. ‘All movement changes our perspective, therefore emotions and thoughts change too.’ That’s when it hit me. One of those “the entire world has got it back to front” moments. Afterwards she left her mat where it was, in front of the bookshelves, squatting there for what seemed an age. ‘You’ve been sitting for more than ten minutes’ she said, without looking around.

‘I know, lost in thought. You’re more than welcome to read anything from my library by the way.’

‘I like to focus on the pattern of the colours, the odd titles. There’s no order to them though.’

‘That’s because the order is in the contents. They’re arranged by subject matter, but in one long continuous historical timeline. A lot of it isn’t events though, rather the history of ideas. About ten years ago I realised I couldn’t  get any further with computer tech without learning other stuff...’

‘Dining in tonight are we?’

‘I am, are you?’