133: Any other business

Who was it who said; ‘A committee is an animal with four back legs?’ I was staring out of the window to where the new trench, for the new water pipe, was being dug. Then I remembered, John Le Carre in The Honourable Schoolboy, I think? The fact I had time to cogitate, and remember the quote and ponder its source, is a measure of how distracted, or do I mean dissociated, one becomes whilst chairing the club dining committee these days.

Health had somehow crept onto the agenda, or rather the lack of it. As I let them ramble a little longer, the thought occurred that it may have been the influence of Sparkwell at the Spa and Sports Committee that had caused the subject to somehow jump domains, escaping their ‘safe space’ and invading ours! We were on the final item, a routine review of the menu, but somehow it had morphed into the obesity crisis, the psychological impact of our alleged comfort food, and now, the detrimental effects of food additives.

‘But we must consider our activities in the context of the climate crisis.’ Tuffy lobbed in from left field.

‘Enough!’ I asserted. ‘We’re drifting, gentlemen.’

‘Perhaps we need a new committee?’ Added another.

‘We've got four already! Every extra layer of management makes us less efficient and can only lead to higher fees in the future. Now, can we please move on to any other business.’ They had none, thank goodness. But I did; ‘There is one matter I think we should give thought to, the forthcoming official visit of our new MP, the issue being how much she needs to be, well, managed?’

‘Has anyone met the woman? I hear she’s a bloody Trot, sounds like trouble to me.’

Discretion prevents me naming the individual. I simply mused; ‘Well I’ve been in the same room as her a couple of times, can’t say I gleaned much about her.’ Now I concede, I was ‘perhaps being economical with the truth’, but I did want to keep control, make myself Brenda’s personal guide.

‘Well, I don’t imagine any of us have got even that close, I vote the chair should take on the responsibility, I don’t see it’s any business of ours.’ Thank you Tuffy, I thought to myself, somehow our association still worked, even if only unconsciously.

‘I don’t think there’s any need for us to vote on this, Tony?’ Said someone else.

‘So be it. Meeting closed.’ I glanced at my watch. ‘Oh, good lord, look at the time, Sparkwell is having guests for tea. I must go.’

As I was legging it down the corridor, Cat drew alongside; ‘Your meeting, finally over?’

‘Finally. But I’m late for a Sparkwell tea now!’

‘Oh dear. Still, this will only take a minute.’

‘And?’

‘Tuffy has gone a bit off-piste again, been boasting in the bar, more than once, about Charlie having tattoos, getting chaps to guess how many, and where.’

‘Not the act of a gentleman. There’s only one he could know about, and that from an accidental glance.’

‘I’ll take your word for it, as a gentleman! Clearly, he’s been colouring his narrative.’

‘Leave it with me.’

As I entered our jolly home, via the pantry, a tall young male figure with wayward hair but a reassuring lack of face adornment, sprang to his feet. This was Timothy at close quarters.

‘Pleasure to meet you, sir. I’ve been hearing all about the Arlington Trust.’ Rather formal I thought.

‘Excellent. Apologies for my lateness, delayed by a committee. You’ve had a tour of the garden?’

‘I came in the back way.’

‘How are you Mel, been a while?’

The conversation was a little stilted for five minutes or so, as everyone repeated everything, that had been said before I arrived. Then I pitched in; ‘My thought Tim, was that if you were prepared to take us on, cash in hand of course, then we might also be able to meet all your work placement requirements from across the Trust.’

‘I’ve seen all the websites. You’re also connected to Checkley Manor I understand, a nice house.’

‘Indeed. Well, we seem to be on the same page. I should tell you however that I’m only one of the trustees of the Trust.’

‘Understood.’

Now I stood up, about to leave for a momentary comfort break; ‘Mel! You want to watch yourself, you may never get rid of this chap.’

Upon my return a few minutes later, there was much ribbed laughter. ‘Tony, Mel won’t tell Tim and me what the infamous “unfortunate incident” at her parents wedding was all about.’

‘Don’t tell them!’ Melisa said, looking rather flushed.

I thought, with the boyfriend present, this might be just the moment; ‘I can’t see why not, you were unwell after all, and a small child wasn’t to know.’

‘This is so embarrassing.’

‘Oh! So, it was Mel herself who was the trouble, even then?’ Chided Charlie.

‘Well, it was more the sound really. She was heard, rather than seen by everyone in the church.’

‘Oh, god.’

‘She threw-up in the baptismal font.’

Charlie was driving us to Crawford Park for the Brenda Radnor visit. We were discussing how the situation should be played. Then I realised I hadn’t told her of Tuffy’s latest misdemeanour.

‘I suppose if it was a day I was wearing my shorts, and had to bend a bit, he might have caught a glimpse. As for the others, not a chance.’

‘You never talked about them?’

‘Not to him.’

‘Well, that’s all much as I’d surmised. I leave appropriate retribution, to your good self.’

The visit started with a coffee in the lounge, then I guided Brenda to the spa. ‘Ah! Here’s someone you should meet. Charlotte Sparkwell, chair of the Spa and Sports Committee, and coincidentally my partner in life. Charlie, meet your local MP.’

They shook hands. ‘You look familiar, have we met?’ Brenda asked.

‘I don’t think so.’

‘But? Wait a moment, I’ve seen your face, several times. I know, it was when I was searching The Beacon for local stories before the election, so you and he are...’

‘Ah, but what a tangled web we weave.’

‘Please, do have a complementary, spa special pro-vitamin drink, this one is apricot, but there are others.’ Charlie interceded.

‘Well, I’ve just had a coffee...’

‘Oh, but you really must try one of Charlie’s pick-me-ups. Entirely organic don’t you know. Works wonders after a late evening.’

‘It’s a recipe of my own invention madam. Mixed using our own spring water.’

Having inspected a sample treatment room, the aqua therapy pool and dodged questions about unionisation, I escorted our representative of the old left, out of the mood-altering aromas into the fresh air surrounding the pond.

She made an excellent choice of question; ‘How do you think our government is doing Tony?’

‘Well, I really only concern myself with local issues, but if pressed I’d say they might be on firmer ground if they went back to fighting the class war. Capital and labour may have opposing interests, but they share the same reality.’

‘Intersectional, woke mob, half the country has gone full tin-foiled hat!’

‘I think we understand each other.’

‘Got any more surprises for me?’

‘Well, maybe just one.’

‘And this is the conference centre. Open for hire, at rates commensurate to its surroundings. Of course it’s easy enough to move the chairs, store the screen etcetera. It was originally the ballroom, with sprung floor, still used for musical evenings.’

‘Very grand.’

‘But also with two withdrawing rooms, one serves as a seminar room for “break-out sessions” as required, the other is our media room, often used as a podcast studio. Oh look! The man himself.’

‘What the hell is he doing here?’

‘Good-day all!’ Said a smiling Don with open arms.

‘Had you not realised? Brenda, let me introduce you to the host of one of our nation’s most popular podcasts, The Don Wooley Show. Treat him right, he might let you be a guest!’

123: Pre-election predilections

‘Cheeky cow!’

‘Who?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Brenda Radnor, a text; “Buy me lunch at your club.” That, must not be allowed to happen. It would blow my cover.’

‘How so?’

‘Seeing me in my natural milieu. Especially if she got talking to other members.’

‘What on earth have you been telling her about yourself?’

‘Well, no lies or deceptions as such. I’ve just spun things to imply that my role with the Trust, and its various interests, is very much, hands-off.’

‘Ha! You know Fiona likes to keep her finger on the pulse?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, every day she takes it upon herself to peruse the list of all those who have been through the spa and hence out on the golf course too, members and guests.’

‘Oh, lord!’

‘The other day she said your Brenda had played a round.’

‘You might have thought to mention it!’

‘I am.’

‘We must have lunch somewhere else, somewhere neutral.’

Charlie had given me explicit instructions on how to get there. And although I’d left in plenty of time, I barely had a moment to compose myself before Brenda appeared. ‘Your text was very curt.’ She said, somewhat abruptly.

‘When you do finally appear at the club it will be in triumph, as our elected member of parliament. Then you will be doing so as part of your legitimate business, and no one, particularly your own side will be able to object.’

‘I suppose you have a point.’

‘I didn’t know you were a golfer.’

‘How do you know about that?’

‘I may be only one, largely disinterested trustee, but I do have a network to inform me of relevant facts.’

‘So, tell me about my opponent.’ I then proceeded with a thumb nail sketch, from school through to marriage to the formidable Prudence.

‘But I know most of that! I’ve read all the background material, I got your titbits from The Beacon would you believe, makes one wonder where they got them from?’

‘I hold up my hands, their executive editor is a member of the club.’

‘That explains a lot.’

‘However, everything I’ve just said is by why of context for the strategy I’m going to recommend. A way of not slipping on several banana skins.’

‘Go on.’

‘Do not confront him directly in debate, you’ll humiliate him in moments, remember you need the votes of people who previously supported him, you don’t want them to feel complete idiots. All you need to do is look good in comparison, that is competent to look after the interests of local people. At the last two elections Rory’s opposition wasn’t exactly, outstanding. Right? And of course, it is only a little over six years since the party’s last MP was forced to resign in disgrace. The election will be yours by being just a bit positive and upbeat about what you can do to help the local area recover.’

‘You know you’re very good at this, ever thought of going into politics?’

‘Well, they did ask me, but I always wanted to stay where the real power and money lay!’

‘Mmm. You’ll be please to know that the owners of the station properties in our village have been made aware that the heritage railway is seen in a positive light by most other residents. And also, that there are other properties in the village that they could well afford if they chose to accept the railway’s offer.’

‘Well, that is good news.’

‘I, er, must confess that whilst reading about Flotterton I found myself looking up other references to our area in The Beacon over the last five years or so.’

‘They’re always entertaining, though prone to some exaggeration.’

‘You seem very good at keeping your own name out of the paper.’

‘That, should be a source of great reassurance to you.’

‘You sent for me, my noble lord.’ I said to the back of Frimley’s head as he was sitting at the club bar.

‘I did indeed, you owe me a drink.’ replied the Lord Coates.

‘And I’m more than happy to oblige.’

‘I thought I ought to save my couple of nuggets of news until we could meet face to face.’

‘Much the safest way.’

‘The SI granted some while ago was placed on the table of the House in a quiet moment. It was picked-up, read and, not to be too euphemistic about it, promptly put down again. I thought the only important person who needed to consider it, was the local MP for the area effected.’

‘I imagine you arranged for him to be casually loitering at the time.’

‘I was told years ago by someone, probably by you, that he was fine being let out on his own, if he could be pointed in the right direction.’

‘Perhaps you went so far as to suggest that if he left it well alone, there might be votes in it.’

‘You might very well think that Anthony, I couldn’t possibly comment.’

‘Well, it may give him hope, buck the fellow up a bit.’

‘You still believe him a lost cause?’

‘Even with the most modest of national swings.’

‘Now, the other matter concerns the Palace, I must choose my words even more carefully. To paraphrase; “One would be more than content to hammer in the golden spike”, I think my reply was something like, he must be thinking of American railroads, not our style.’

‘Watched too many old movies about conquering the wild west in his youth no doubt.’

‘No doubt. However, it was also mentioned that he had to visit the naval college in the near future. I suggested he take the royal train to just across the river, then the college’s launch could pick him up on the railway quay, possibly after he’d admired progress on the line so far.’

‘Well, that’s excellent, let us raise another glass to His Majesty.’

‘I came down on the train this time. I must say it was a pleasant surprise to see no blue containers obscuring one’s first view of the Bay.’

That evening, I put in a call from the media room to Junior Jack. ‘John, Tony. You can put the word out; we’re all systems go! All legal hurdles are passed. We can proceed with any aspect of phase one, apart from the bits we require others to do that is. In fact, I see no reason not to do everything through company channels now, no need for any us to go skulking about anymore.’

‘I've heard from our estate agents.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘Matey at the station in the picturesque village had been nervously making enquiries, wanting to know if our original offer was still good. I said it was, through gritted teeth. He accepted a couple of days later.’

‘You’re a top man, John.’

‘So, you and the old timers have got your own way, just in time I’d say.’

‘All the politics of it you mean?’

‘I mean Dad, he doesn’t have long, if I’m any judge.’

‘I’m sorry John, I know he never really had time for me, but it was you and Jimmy he was looking out for.’

‘He had a funny way of showing it.’

‘There won’t be problems with his estate?’

‘Nah, Jimmy and I will work it out. See you at the next board meeting if not before, give my regards to “er indoors” won't you?’

‘Of course. So long for now.’

112: The candidate

‘Your mail, comrade.’ So said Charlie, shoving her silver salver closer than ever to my chin.

‘Ah! Another communication from the worker’s party I take it?’

‘According to the advertising on the back. One day they’ll tumble to you.’

‘Not if this is the goods news I’m hoping for.’ And after a second or two’s perusal; ‘Yes! I feel a song coming on: “Everything’s coming up roses, for me and my gal.” What?’

‘We’ve only just seen the back of Buffy!’

‘And a good job too, his advice to members of the club to quit trying to noble the opposition from within was all very well for the faint hearted, but we are made of sterner stuff.’

‘You’re not seriously suggesting Rory can save his seat?’

‘Oh no. And before you say it, this is actually us staying out of politics. We are moving on, making friends with the likely winner of the next parliamentary election, getting her and her supporters on board the first train on platform one!’

‘Her?’

‘Indeed, the new candidate is a former regional organiser in the NHS section of one of our nation’s largest trade unions. She, goes by the name, Brenda Radnor; and guess where she lives, I’ll give you a clue, a certain picturesque village one stop short of Morestead!’

‘But surely, she’d be much more likely to be leading the opposition to you!’

‘But she, let me tell you is old school, made her reputation negotiating deals for her aspiring members, she like I, thinks in terms of capital and labour. And you can’t have one without the other.’

‘Charlie! Oh, there you are. Fetch the two-seater, Prudence is demanding a crash meeting.’

‘Has she heard?’

‘Who can say.’

‘May I remind you, sir, for the umpteenth time, Prudence doesn’t like me.’

‘Yes, I appreciate that, but I need you there as a restraining influence. If she comes over all, dying duck in a thunderstorm again, I may have no alternative but to put the boot in!’

‘Tony, what am I to do? Where’s Charlotte?’

‘Behind the bar fixing drinks. Do about what?’

‘Nobody else does their own drinks.’

‘Force of habit, the staff don’t mind, they pick up tips on best practice. Your problem?’

‘The party are revolting.’

‘So, I always imagined.’

‘Rory only just scrapped re-selection, Brexiteers wanted him to step down, due to disloyalty to Buffy.’

‘How did he survive?’

‘Said he was the sitting MP who’d won two elections, they couldn’t force it, something in the rulebook.’

‘That’s happening in quite a few seats I understand, the voters may agree.’

‘Everyone thinks Rory’s a loser now.’

‘He almost certainly will be if he says Buffy was right, but a wrong’un. How you imagine I can help you; I don’t know. Twice my advice was correct, and you’ve ignored it.’

‘But you said he’d lose, that’s why Rory went on the attack.’

‘I said he should stay loyal to Buffy, be the game and gallant loser, fight another day. If the party go down to a crushing defeat, the proportion of Brexiteers amongst the remaining dregs may actually increase, Buffy could well be back.’

‘What!’

‘Coffee all.’ Said Charlie as she took her seat.

‘We’re finished, it’s the end. You must have a fix, Tony!’

‘My loyalty is to the Trust, and their top priority is having cordial relations with whoever our member of parliament is. I’ve been swallowing my pride in maintaining relations with Buffy as it is.’

‘Do you want the opposition to win? This new woman is as left-wing as that over-sized, over-priced ice cream tub we faced last time.’

‘Old Left, not awoken. Trade unionist.’

‘How do you know?’

‘As I said, cordial relations.’

We fell into a long silence. ‘I believe in Rory, sometimes I think I’m the only one.’

‘Well...’ Charlie grabbed my knee, so I left the quip unspoken.

‘You’ve always been supportive Tony, why do you desert me now?’

‘Just because I’ve always cared for you, it doesn’t mean I always have an answer.’

‘Oh, really! Flirting with me in front of your girlfriend, whatever next.’ At which point she stood up, and promptly departed.

And when she’d gone, I thought aloud; ‘Why does she always remind me of Aunt Elisabeth?’

I few days later I left both Charlie and the car at home, and legged it into town to the social club for the meet and greet with the new opposition candidate. On the way I told myself, be boring, no jokes, just middle-class worthiness. She turned out to be quite a speech maker, and sharp with it too when it came to questions. Rory was going to be massacred. When it came time to mingle, I took my chance; ‘Congratulations! I’m Tony Arlington.’

‘Arlington, as in the Arlington Trust?’

‘Well yes, but I'm just one of seven trustees these days.’

‘You’re here as a member of the party?’

‘Indeed. I joined about eight years ago.’

‘But you’re one of the largest landowners and property developers in the county!’

‘Well not personally, I confess to owning a four-bed detached house and a two-seater car. But no, when my aunt died in the pandemic, I found myself the last beneficiary of a family trust that was set-up back in the mists of time to support the widows, orphans and unmarried daughters of a large extended family. Things had to change. It’s now been reconstituted as a Green charitable trust.’

‘But you own Crawford Park, turned it into a country club!’

‘The trust owns a forty per cent share in the Park company. The club just rents some of the rooms in the house, for most days of the year. But they are separate from the developing conference facility, the podcast studio and the expanding health spa.’

‘I see.’

‘The farms are being as organic as the government will let them be at the moment, and the town properties have a rolling programme of restoration, though I hear in the Press that we are being criticised for monopolising the supply of stonemasons in the south west.’

‘You’re involved in this new railway project; I saw the exhibition when it was at our village community hall.’

‘Excellent. We are hoping to end-up with about fifteen per cent of the eventual company that will own and run the line. But obviously there will be two operators, the heritage services will be complemented by new speedier trains for commuters.’

‘You don’t have the station properties yet!’

‘No, but I understand they’ve been made an offer, at the top of the market, whenever that was, two thousand and nineteen I think.’

‘Really, I didn’t know that.’

‘Still, you must be keen to see jobs coming to the village, and throughout the constituency come to that, assuming you’re successful. I’m sure you will be. By the way, if I can be any help with campaigning, media and such like, here's my card. The thing is, perhaps I shouldn’t say, but after my parents died when I was still a child, my aunts drew on the old family trust to give me quite a posh education, Flotterton was admittedly a couple of forms below me, but I have known him off and on, all my adult life. Anyway, I mustn’t monopolise your company, I’m sure there must be others you should be talking to...’