57: The reunion

‘Daphne! Welcome! You look, resilient.’

‘I’ll take that as a compliment, as someone with teenage daughters. Belated, condolences by the way. How are you, seriously?’

‘Good, everything is working out the way it should.’

‘You’ve taken over her house on the right side of town I gather.’

‘How on earth…’

‘I’ve just been chatting to Charlotte; I was taking a look at the grounds, waiting out my fifteen minutes…’

‘Enjoying a crafty fag.’

‘As you say, and there she was. She, er, dropped the whole Valette thing instantly, she seems a very, sympathetic person.’

‘She’s been on a steep learning curve lately; she’ll be the only one of us with a genuine inside view of the actual Summit. Looks like I’ll be stuck at home.’

‘Funny, Barmy says he’s going to pull a sickie, and monitor the whole thing from his cabin. Says it should be the best laugh on screen for years. Can you actually livestream the whole thing to the portal, not that you would, of course!’

‘Well, bit beyond my skills, but I do know the only thing to hack into would be our club area security cameras, very dull, lousy audio. You know those live fly-on-the-wall reality shows, they only work because there is a very experienced director and cameraman in the control room with the editor.’

‘Really, Barmy seemed to think you could do it with your eyes shut. It sounds pretty loud in the bar, are they all de-mob happy or something?’

‘That, and more cricket. Coffee? Sticky bun?’

‘Thanks, and hat’s-off for the good old Duke, or whatever one is meant to do on such occasions.’

When we were settled, she said; ‘Talking of your Charlotte, you know way back, when she first appeared in the spa, she really put the wind-up the whole lot of them, simply by being there.’

‘She has a certain presence.’

‘They recognised the genuine article when they saw it. Two of them left of their own volition within weeks. Did you know that?’

‘No, but that was how I got her through the door in the first place, raising doubts about the spa and saying I was sure someone with her background could raise standards, so to speak.’

‘You know, now you’re only a mile or so down the road, we’ll all have to start making social calls.’

‘I draw the line at dinner parties. Charlie only tolerates the kitchen, because we take so many meals out - and of course enforces such a strict regime at home, she barely has to do any shopping.’

‘If I didn’t know the back story, I’d think you a very odd couple.’

‘Ha! A while back I made an effort to explain you and Barmy to her. I told her that what really needed explaining was how you two ended up embracing the English suburban lifestyle.’

‘Well, you should try explaining it to me sometime darling! I’m the one who really needs to know. Christ! Hear that? It’s Auld Lang Syne now.’

There ended-up being about fifteen members for lunch. Charlie, in uniform, could be seen shadowing the regular staff, physically rehearsing everything. During lockdown she’d made a few subtle changes to the position of the furniture. The Lady Vic managed to extract Tuffy from the bar a while before lunch, giving him the chance to calm down. At one point I noticed Prudence, apparently alone, and palely loitering, I feared the worst so waved her over. ‘What no Rory?’

‘He’s been recalled for more media training.’

‘Ah.’

‘And he’s been almost totally frozen out of the summit, all he gets is playing second fiddle to your Uncle at the meet and greet.’

‘Well, if it’s any consolation, the Earl and Countess will only be here for about an hour and a half. Their only permanent presence is the flag on the roof.’

‘Surely they’ll be insisting on the Union Jack,’ said Daphne.

‘No, that’s the only non-negotiable part of the deal. I’ve already had to pull Buffy up about his lack of constitutional knowledge. The Union Jack has no meaning or status in such matters what so ever. It’s merely a modern celebration of the Union. Short of the monarch being present, when obviously it’s the Royal Standard, it’s always his flag. Indeed, Uncle’s ancestors were granted their coat of arms by the Crown anyway, so...’

At which point Charlie passed behind my chair; ‘Gone in ten.’

‘Okay.’

‘Something on?’ Asked Daphne.

‘Scheduled video call, at home, with the man himself.’

‘Do you two never stop trying to get the better of each other?’

‘Never. Especially today. If we’re all going to be hacked during this whole thing, then it will start today, they will need to try and trawl all my kit in the Media Room first, and they’ll get twenty minutes.’

‘Will you know?’

‘Depends, their kit will have to learn as it goes, in stages, give itself feedback, there should be alerts.’

‘And if there aren’t?’

‘Either a hundred per cent success, or a hundred per cent fail, or they’re not trying. Things are rarely one hundred per cent in life.’

‘You could fail to notice, human error.’

‘Which is why, if they succeed, then it’s almost certainly Barmy who’s told them how.’

‘No! No way, Tony.’

‘He knows more than I. He may have made a judgement that it was the right thing to do for all our sakes.’

‘But he’s sold his soul to the Americans, you know that better than most.’

‘Exactly. Legally speaking, the US doesn’t snoop on its own citizens, nor the UK on its own subjects, they don’t have to, the GCHQ does it for them, the NSA for us.’

‘Rory has been assured that’s a complete myth.’ Declared Prue.

‘Well, I’m sure he has impeccable sources these days. Right then, time to make a move, see you, whenever.’

‘Good lord Anthony, you appear better set-up than any of us.’

‘Hang-on a second, I’ll give you a 360-degree view for the benefit of everyone watching, Charlotte’s in the room by the way.’

‘Ha! Carrie does that, lounge in the background. We’re all still looking for Nancy Astor’s missing chaise longue. Afternoon Sparkwell.’

‘Prime Minister.’

‘Palm trees, and a sea view. Well, well, well.’

‘One other thing, let me zoom in, there on my screen, security alerts, coming thick and fast, see? Each one a repeated attempt to trawl me.’

‘And failing presumably, why would we be doing that?’

‘Well, if you want to snoop on anyone, anything, at the Park, by hacking their devices, you have to take me out first. The entire Park is run from here, the only other significant shareholders are the Earl and Aunt Julia, and everything automatically back-ups to their devices.’

‘I’m forever telling them to fuck-off, but of course there’s no way of telling if they have!’

‘The problem is Charlotte will be carrying her work mobile, right, which is on this network, with an earpiece for emergencies. If she can’t carry them, she’s out of there.’

‘Hang-on Anthony, I’m being told something. How is that possible? Your joking! I’m not allowed to say. There are more ways than one to skin a cat. Anthony!’

‘Prime Minister.’

‘Who provides your security?’

‘Well, it’s a mix, of off-the-shelf commercial kit and software.’

‘Okay, well who tells you what to buy?

‘Well, most of the time I can work it out for myself, if I get stuck, I ask Barmy.’

‘Christ! He’s working for the Yanks.’

‘Well, only in the sense that he’s given up his intellectual property rights over his current project. All his personal digital assets are held in the UK now, he was even granted full UK citizenship the other day.’

‘Really. They’re still telling me not to tell you anything.’

‘In that case, why don’t I guess?’

‘Go on then.’

‘Yes, they were trying to trawl as a precursor to a hack. They got the same alerts I got. Thought I was attempting to trawl them, then realised as they got even more repeated fails, there is only one possible explanation, we are all using the same software, the same updates, they were attempting, in effect, to trawl themselves. This whole operation is being led locally by the Navy, therefore… You know Daphne told me at lunch he plans to throw a sickie over the whole four days and watch it all from his cabin on his screen.’

‘Bastard! I’ll have him out of there.’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t do that, if the system goes down, he’s the only one who’ll be able to fix it!’

‘What does Sparkwell think?’

‘Sir?’

‘Don’t bother, she thinks it’s all boy’s games, she’s still reading The Beacon on her tablet, see?’

56: Domestic bliss

‘And this, is the Media Room.’

‘Command and control, eh!’

‘Assuredly, and especially if Buffy banishes me from the Park during the Summit.’

‘Two desks, so you can both enjoy the view?

‘Indeed.’

‘Bit hard on Charlie though, she appears to have only a laptop and a tablet whilst you’ve got, well, everything.’

‘Just a matter time, when she needs more, more will be provided.’

‘What’s the empty space by the back wall for?’

‘That will be the late Aunt’s chaise longue, once it returns from being re-upholstered and having it’s horse hair rearranged - or whatever it is they do to it.’

‘Might I have a word, gentlemen?’

‘See, she can still appear from out of nowhere.’

‘May one enquire, what happens tomorrow morning, when the Dragon Concierge discovers Northcott Electrics parked in your parking space, sir?’

‘Shit! What time is it?’

‘Almost 9,00pm, sir.’

‘Er. Right. Okay. Only an old-fashioned person to person phone call will do this. Now, you two, turn and face the wallpaper, it’ll be a distraction. Thankfully you’ll only hear one side of this. It’s ringing. Marietta! Good evening... My Apologies. This is just by way of a quick courtesy call to say that Sparkwell will be arriving shortly with an overnight guest. ..Yes, he is actually rather a good prospect as a future tenant, do you know Northcott Electrics? ..He is in fact the owner, unfortunately his car is in dock, he’s having to use one of the firm’s vans, Charlotte will escort him to my parking space and give him a quick tour of the flat, before returning here. ..Well yes, which is why I thought it only prudent to have a word. ..Just the one night, unless of course he’s really taken with the place and signs on the dotted, then you’ll be stuck with him. My pleasure, as always, bye for now.’ Suddenly the room seemed very quiet. ‘Well, don’t just stand there, go to it!’

‘Satisfied?’

‘Blissful. Are you satisfied, I can’t think of anything we’ve left untested, and the video works a treat, yes?’

‘I know, you can even see the curtains move in the breeze. Shame my online support is about to come to an end.’ Then her work phone rang. ‘Okay I’ll pass that on.’ And after a pregnant pause; ‘Oh, okay. That was my handler, he said we’re on, we get a month of the normal club, from the middle of April. But, strictly members and staff only. No guests, no events and we’ll have to be content with the discretely armed strangers coming and going. He suggested you only actually announce it from within the portal along with the official, at least one jab plus fifteen minute test rules.’

‘And the other thing?’

‘Nothing really, just he’s heard a whisper that enquires have been made by Germany as to whether spa treatments will be available during the four days.’

‘Bugger! Baden-Baden, I never thought, I doubt Buffy did either.’

‘What?’

‘That’s the one thing they, can look down their noises at us, with, as it were, so to speak. Of course, all they’ve been seeing so far is crawfordspa.com and thinking, “oh, yes!” Get me Bernard, now!’

‘Hang-on, there, it’s ringing.’

‘Bernard, crises, drop everything, all hands to the pump, oh lord, find out who owns all the land adjacent to the Park, as of today, especially to the north, say, all the way to Grimpen Cross, and if anything is currently for sale, I want expressions of interest - everything. Now, don’t ask what it’s about, I hope I’m wrong. Just, carry on enjoying your morning coffee and your daily Kit-Kat.’

‘I’ve never seen you in a panic before!’

A couple of days later, having dropped Charlie at the Park, I drove on for a face to face with Merriweather. ‘What, no Sparkwell in tow?’

‘No, she’s doing her daily training and prep at the Park. What, no Brinkley?’

‘Best between ourselves on this one.’

‘You have the self-satisfied look of someone who knows they know more than the other person and is pondering as how best to exploit their advantage.’

‘Nonsense, I think you’ll find what I have to report rather amusing, sit thee down.’

‘Well?’

‘It’s not the Swiss, it’s your own side making enquiries.’

‘Umm.’

‘Firstly, changes to the Trust are done, give me your signature today and we’re squeaky clean and state of the art. Ms Sparkwell’s enhanced role on the charitable side is enshrined, and three out of the five suggested Trustees are already on board. Lawrence flies to Spain this week, confident that he’s on top of the post-Brexit pandemic regulations, we can come and go as we please. So, that’s all fine and dandy, no need for panic or paranoia on anyone’s part. I understand you’re thinking of keeping Mackintosh close at hand?’

‘Don’t push it.’

‘So, my enquires? Well now, officially none of the perimeter properties has changed hands since I last checked. Now, I took it upon myself to speak with the estate agent who gets the most work out that way, nothing up for sale, no informal approaches. However.’

‘Yes.’

‘You know how all property details have been put on pdfs for years now. Well, around these parts, someone has been quite thorough about indexing when archiving - and what with the industry being so incestuous...’

‘The term is digital curation; they’ve realised they’ve got an emergent search engine.’

‘Really, fascinating. And therefore...’

‘A mountain of metadata too.’

‘He went away and got an answer remarkably quickly. Firstly, within twenty-four hours of your old school chum’s arrival in Downing St. the whole of the Park area was searched from a device in the Cabinet Office!’

‘That was expected.’

‘Was it. The other sign of activity was about ten days ago, from a device in the, so apply named, Department for, Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.’

‘Official or politician?’

‘Couldn’t say.’

‘The minister is one of Buffy’s happy few.’

‘Is he. Well, that’s all what you’d expect isn’t it? A flurry of interest with your conference coming up.’

‘Yes, but that’s all organised in the Cabinet Office.’

‘Perhaps they feel frozen out? Anyway, let’s move to the conference room for the signing.’

As we came through the door there was a delivery package set in the dead centre of the large oval table. ‘Oh look, you’ve bought yourself an Owl, how forward thinking of you.’

‘Yes, trouble is, I can’t find anyone in the building willing to volunteer to set it up.’

‘Worry not, I’ll give you Fin Heptonstall’s email.’

‘Who, he?’

‘You’ve met him.’

‘Have I?’

‘He was here for about a week setting up your security system!’

‘Ah, yes, the chap Lawrence took a fancy to. Anyway, take a look at how we’ve mangled Sparkwell’s wish list, that’s the only possible point of contention.’

‘Mission statement.’

‘Whatever. Now, I’m going to be signing-up too; so, we’ll need two of the right sort of witnesses, one had better be Stollard himself, and let’s see if young Benson is in the building...’

‘Well Tony, are we all systems go?’

‘Charlie won’t like it.’

‘Yes, but with the utmost respect, she doesn’t have to. You’re the one who has to positively like it, or you should kill it now whilst you have the chance. These are the biggest changes anyone’s ever made.’

‘I love it.’

‘Thought you might. Gentlemen...’

As Bernard was showing me the door, I asked; ‘Any thoughts on how we spin this to Charlotte?’

‘Lawrence made one of his rare public witticisms when we were brainstorming it all; “This is big C conservation, not Green pipe-less dreams”.’

Back in the fresh air I reached for my mobile and switched it on, only to freeze on the spot. I took a minute or two to collect my thoughts, then like so many others, proceeded to do what I’d long decided to do, when the inevitable news came from Windsor.

55: Picnic in the park

‘Is Barmy smarter than you?’

‘Oh, yes. In the formal mathematical, hard science sense. I can visualise topography in the four dimensions of space-time, but he can think in numbers and do multiverses. Some might say he’s the only bona fide genius of our generation. But the trick is to know it, accept it, not go up against him in various areas of expertise. And equally, have the good sense to think, on any particular issue, I can learn from him.’

‘But if you want to best him?’

‘Well, force him onto ground where you know your skills give you the advantage.’

‘Not sure I’m happy about him going around promoting me as some kind of pin-up for randy sailors. Perhaps you should slip the word to Daphne.’

‘No, no. Classic mistake. Zero-sum thinking. All that does is sow discord - and a tendency to shoot the messenger. No, you should always think, where is the advantage for yourself.’

‘Okay, so what would you do?’

‘Leak the story myself.’

‘To who?’

‘Your favourite columnist of course. Let him make you famous for fifteen minutes as whatever the politically correct version of Page Three is these days.’

We were sat enjoying a picnic lunch in the spring sunshine of the Park, staying involved but distanced, as far as possible, from any real work. And waiting upon a friend.

‘Surely, as soon as advanced parties from other nations start arriving to scout-out the premises, all sorts of objections will be made?’

‘Well, here I think Buffy really is playing a blinder. Firstly, it all has to be smaller scale than usual for obvious reasons, so fewer choices for everyone. But nonetheless location is everything. Take the airport for instance, a seven four seven is only allowed to land in an emergency nowadays. In the past, any time one landed the whole place ground to a halt until it took off again. Buffy’s first encounter with the US president will, despite it being a world economic summit, be turned into a demonstration of the special relationship - which everyone trapped here will have to witness. They both officially have Green agendas. Air Force One and Two will stay at home, pending permanent retirement. According to Barmy, all that airborne command and control stuff is bollocks now. The kit for that can be carried in a couple of suitcases these days. You know the RAF’s fleet of Voyager aircraft, the dual role refuelling and troop-carrying planes?

‘The paint-job!’

‘You’re ahead of me. All of them are special edition Airbus 330s, right. So, as other world leaders fly-in, they’ll be met by the sight of the even more special UK A330, having just crossed the Atlantic, picked up the President, and on its return refuelled more, new F35 Bs making their first Atlantic crossing - video of which will have been splashed across social media in the previous few hours. The Atlantic Alliance showing it’s Green credentials.’

‘Okay.’

‘Then, they’re transferred to Royal Marine choppers, flying off one of the new carriers which, our so-called NATO allies will have already seen on their approach to landing, and been told, accidentally on purpose, that it will only be the US president who gets to inspect the carrier, on account of there being talk of buying a licence to use our design for replacing their own aged fleet.’

‘And the world’s media, they’ll have to be accommodated too.’

‘Accommodated is the right word. Yes, they’ve been told we don’t have the facilities. There’s a potential row about that at the moment, the university was the first out of the trap ages ago, but now the Bay Council have finally woken-up and want them to use the conference centre on the seafront.’

‘Who’ll win?’

‘My money is on the council, strange as that may seem. The media want drama, conflict, what better place for protest than the Prom, the beach, even the sea?’

‘But it will be students doing the street theatre.’

‘Or beach theatre, as no doubt we’ll come to know it. Our old friend the Associate Professor of Social Policy, is probably demanding the university backs-off at this very moment.’

‘Meanwhile you’ll be keeping your back channel to Wooley open.’

‘An unfortunate turn of phrase. Actually, since Buffy will be only too anxious to banish me, I think you’ll find yourself the centre of the Don’s attention.’

‘He’ll think I’m his inside man?’

‘In a manner of speaking. And, Buffy will want to insist, on only what he wants, getting leaked to The Beacon. Talking of which, pass me your work mobile a second. Now, right. Make this the only device you bring onto the grounds until further notice. My advice, is take any and all opportunities from now on to snap away at anything of potential interest. This device, is now set to auto-back-up photos to me. That way if someone takes it off you, I’ll still have a window of opportunity to pass stuff on. In fact, maybe I should start thinking-up potential favours - as our price for cooperation with Wooley.’

‘That’s enough food, we have to leave something for your trusted lieutenant. What’s the ETA now?’

‘Er, fifteen minutes.’

‘What does he drive, I’ve never noticed.’

‘Good. He’s Mr Inconspicuous.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Ever noticed a little van, with Northcott Electrics on the side?’

‘Oh! Always in the corner of the carpark, never thought anything of it.’

‘Hiding in plain sight.’

‘So, like Jack’s van then, more on the inside than out?’

‘Less.’

‘What?’

‘Deliberately low-tech, full of apparent junk, camping gear, old rope, toolkits circa nineteen seventy-five. Perfect cover for housebreaking implements etc.’

‘Plastic explosive...’

‘But, for today’s purposes his own set of golf clubs.’

‘Why does he get to come all this way, just to be the first to play the course?’

‘Well, someone has to check it all out, whilst we’re still in a position to make minor changes if need be.’

‘But why not one of the really good regular amateurs?’

‘He’s the only one of our lot, the inner circle as it were, who knows anything of the game, we follow behind, caddi-ing, and between us should be able to spot any problems.’

‘There’s more to this than you’re letting on.’

An hour later we were all at the first tee. ‘I say, that’s different!’ Exclaimed Cat.

‘Brilliant.’ Added Charlie.

‘Tell Uncle, he was the one who worked it all out. Actually Charlie, you and I should be taking pictures, each time the vista changes.’ It was the first time she or Cat had realised you could actually see the sea from the Park. ‘We must all leg-it up on to the roof again sometime soon.’

Cat didn’t have a long drive, understandably, so there was plenty of time to observe in some detail. I found myself taking notes, whilst Charlie fell into the role of caddie.

We were part way down the second fairway when Cat really got into the spirit of the thing, asking; ‘So, what would you recommend here Sparkwell? Tricky little shot, avoiding that bunker.’

‘I really couldn’t say, sir.’

‘But you’re a qualified sports instructor, didn’t they cover golf as part of your degree?’

‘Well, it only really came up in the Leisure Management modules, actual participation concentrated on team sports and the gym.’

‘I take it that really is meant to be a bunker, I can’t see any sand!’

‘Ah, yes, well. Small problem.’ I interjected.

‘Don’t know any chaps who can lift it off beaches.’

‘No, no, no. It’s actual quite easy to tell the difference between natural and commercial sand, you just rub a little between your fingers. Besides you don’t have to clean commercial sand. Fear not, it will be delivered - when the time and price is right.’

It took the best part of two hours for Cat to play all the new holes, plus the couple of old ones which had been modified. We did our best to imagine what the new trees would eventually hide.

‘Any chance of a stiffener at the bar?’

‘Yes, if Charlie is happy to play the bar steward.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘Now then, touching the matter of your accommodation.’

‘I must say, I’m looking forward to seeing the Villa.’

‘Yes, well, I have a proposal to make. If you care to follow us home, we’ll provide a tightner to go with your stiffener, but afterwards I suggest we give you the keys to our old apartment. And tonight, you can mull over the question of whether you’d like to live there, for a modest rent, more or less permanently?’

‘Might I suggest you ride with Mr Macintosh, sir. If Northcott Electrics is to remain inconspicuous, surely he’ll be requiring the tradesman’s entrance!’

54: Charlie's country house caper

‘Were you asleep?’

‘Er, yes, what time is it?’

‘Have you been lying-in all the time I was away?’

‘Well...’

‘I’m coming over.’

I had enough time to get showered and dressed, but when I got downstairs, Charlie was already moving about the kitchen with disapproval. ‘This is never going to work. How long before Merriweather fixes the garage?’

‘It’s not a fix, the fact that it’s ours has already been established, it’s just a question of how brutal Bernard has to be removing the current occupant.’

‘There’s some kit of mine in the boot, bring it in whilst I tidy-up a bit. What is on today’s schedule anyway?’

‘I’m going to show you our new local shoppe, and you are going to buy a hard copy of The Beacon!’

‘Why?’

‘Souvenir issue. I thought you’d already know that?’

‘I’ve been preoccupied with your backsliding.’

As we were walking down the hill, Charlie asked; ‘How long is your arch enemy going to keep up with all these lockdowny restrictions?’

‘For people like us, about another forty-eight hours I should think.’

‘What?’

‘We, are about to become key workers. Furthermore, long delayed improvements to the Park are suddenly going to take-off again. And of course, in four months, everything will have more than paid for itself.’

‘I love you. God knows why, but I do. Sneaky bastard.’

With no details, the quality press did their best with; ‘Privileged elite to meet at exclusive country hideaway’. Whilst, The Beacon had; ‘PICTURE EXCLUSIVE Inside Buffy’s High Tech Country Conference SEE CENTRE PAGES’

‘How did they get any of this?’

‘Off Wooley’s device of course, he was there for almost a month at election time remember? Wait till you go to your app, there’s video.’

‘Oh my God, we’re all in these pics.’

‘Yes, but imagine you’d never been there. There’s no sign of the club’s actual activities, just what the headline says.’

‘So, the Lefties are all disapproval, but the biggest readership, of ordinary people, get the inside story.’

‘Bleed’in tragic innit!’

Charlotte gathered her composure and did a thorough inspection of the shelves of our new, local retail cooperative. As we were heading back up the hill she asked; ‘So just what is my role meant to be in all of this?’

‘Well, I understand you will be contacted soon. Didn’t you give your number to the head of Buffy’s security detail?’

‘Oh, right.’

‘The idea, which we’ve only very tentatively explored so far, is that you should be Buffy’s, Special Protection Officer whenever he is in the vicinity of the Park.’

‘But they just gave me odd bits of advice about crowd control psychology...’

‘Ah! No, this is more personal. What I think he wants is for you, using your exceptional waitress come Maître d’hôtel skills, is to place yourself between him and the guests.’

‘You’re joking!’

‘You understood that one all right.’

‘Too bloody right!’

‘An uppity French president, who’s clearly been pussy-whipped his entire life. An East German house-frau, who from the look of her has been enjoying sugary fancies under the table for decades - and a US president who between falling asleep at regular intervals, is determine to show his virility!’

A week or so later we found ourselves sitting in the car in the abandoned carpark at the Park, staring at the locked-up house. We’d each received our orders via text - me from some Cabinet Office official, she from her new ‘handler’ - to be there at eight-thirty sharp.

‘We’re twenty minutes early!’

‘Well, I am a little anxious I suppose.’

‘So, just what work on this place is going to magically get done?’

‘That rather depends on how many personnel we’re allowed. A couple of gardeners - with their high-tech machinery - gets the golf course finished. Finding three or four underemployed workers from the National Truss gets the inside tarted-up. Plus, four or five of the regular staff need to be allowed back in pretty soon. The big question mark, will be communications.’

‘How come?’

‘Only the ballroom and the two adjacent withdrawing rooms have fibre optics, connecting to the antennae and the dish on the roof. All the other Wi-Fi comes via the landline telephone network, I don’t even know how far we are from the end of the fibre optic roll-out.’

‘Surely if they want more than we’ve got, they’ll have to pull springs?’

‘Absolutely. But there is a certain amount of negotiation required over who pays and presumably the work would have to start soon.’

‘There’ll come a point won’t there when you’ll lose control of the conference, I mean the whole place.’

‘Yes, and I’m reliably informed that although the contract will have a date, these things creep up on you, more and more people you know nothing about start arriving and you gradually become side-lined. I suspect you will be the only one truly on the inside come the four days. The only other people you’ll really know will be confined to the kitchen and the office.’

‘If you’ve been reading Buffy right.’

‘Indeed. Hello! A flashing light, car and mobile, well I’ll be damned. Open your window.’

‘Chopper approaching, one o’clock, Merlin.’

‘Ah. Markings?’

‘Can’t tell, just looks greyish black.’

‘Close the window.’

‘These notifications indicate someone on my network in the vicinity. Someone on that chopper and defiantly not the two people we are here to meet, someone extra.’

‘The man himself.’

‘I hope not, I know for a fact he’s meant to be opening a factory in Pontefract!’

‘Who then?’

‘Not telling, I’m having a little bet with myself.’

‘But surely you could go to, whatever counts as an address book in that system of yours?’

‘Sure, but if I open it, he, I’m assuming it is a he, will know.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘The lights flashed, because my kit picked-up his personal device on which he was searching to see if we were here. There’s always a way of knowing.’

‘Did he know, you’d know, if he located you?

‘I don’t know.’

We saw the group of suits for just a few seconds as they came along the path from the helipad. ‘I’m none the wiser.’

‘I am,’ said Charlie. I turned my head.

‘Ha! He’s pretending to be nonchalant; he’d have had to run to get here in that time.’

‘The black mask is a bit scary.’

Our visitor opened the driver’s side door. ‘Charlie! Wonderful to see you again, like old times ya?’

As she jumped out, she said; ‘He knew it was you, didn’t tell me though, lights flashing everywhere.’

‘Thanks a bunch Charlie. Discretion is more important than ever if we’re to pull this one off.’ I replied.

‘Don’t listen to the man, you’re a star, all the Navy flyers love you.’

‘What?’

‘This place, always on the fight path for them and the RAF, what with the camp on the top of the Moor, Marine training only a few miles away, everyone using the coast to navigate. Last eighteen months, they’ve all seen the transformation in the grounds...’

‘Barmy, what the hell are you doing here?’ I interrupted.

‘Navy in charge of the whole thing, controlling the air space, we’re offshore right now, those guys were inspecting the airport an hour ago, we provide the transport.’

‘You know what I meant.’

‘I’m their link man, I know the inside here, besides I’m the only person on the flagship who can get into the club portal.’

‘So, who came with the chopper?’

‘Your Cabinet Office guy, Charlie’s protection guy, the other three are spooks of some description.’

‘That’s all we need!’

‘But best bit is, according to your guy, Buffy and Carrie are the only ones in Downing St. who can access the portal, so you know, they go around showing it off to the select - good work, Heptonstall right?’

Then the house alarm system went off.

‘Oh my God!’ said Charlie.

‘Can’t even force a window.’ I said, as an aside to Barmy.

‘Shouldn’t we do something?’ She exclaimed.

‘Hang-on a second, I’ll check whose sleep-in caretaker this week. Ha! Charlie, tell your “asset” to let the burglars in.’