55: Picnic in the park

‘Is Barmy smarter than you?’

‘Oh, yes. In the formal mathematical, hard science sense. I can visualise topography in the four dimensions of space-time, but he can think in numbers and do multiverses. Some might say he’s the only bona fide genius of our generation. But the trick is to know it, accept it, not go up against him in various areas of expertise. And equally, have the good sense to think, on any particular issue, I can learn from him.’

‘But if you want to best him?’

‘Well, force him onto ground where you know your skills give you the advantage.’

‘Not sure I’m happy about him going around promoting me as some kind of pin-up for randy sailors. Perhaps you should slip the word to Daphne.’

‘No, no. Classic mistake. Zero-sum thinking. All that does is sow discord - and a tendency to shoot the messenger. No, you should always think, where is the advantage for yourself.’

‘Okay, so what would you do?’

‘Leak the story myself.’

‘To who?’

‘Your favourite columnist of course. Let him make you famous for fifteen minutes as whatever the politically correct version of Page Three is these days.’

We were sat enjoying a picnic lunch in the spring sunshine of the Park, staying involved but distanced, as far as possible, from any real work. And waiting upon a friend.

‘Surely, as soon as advanced parties from other nations start arriving to scout-out the premises, all sorts of objections will be made?’

‘Well, here I think Buffy really is playing a blinder. Firstly, it all has to be smaller scale than usual for obvious reasons, so fewer choices for everyone. But nonetheless location is everything. Take the airport for instance, a seven four seven is only allowed to land in an emergency nowadays. In the past, any time one landed the whole place ground to a halt until it took off again. Buffy’s first encounter with the US president will, despite it being a world economic summit, be turned into a demonstration of the special relationship - which everyone trapped here will have to witness. They both officially have Green agendas. Air Force One and Two will stay at home, pending permanent retirement. According to Barmy, all that airborne command and control stuff is bollocks now. The kit for that can be carried in a couple of suitcases these days. You know the RAF’s fleet of Voyager aircraft, the dual role refuelling and troop-carrying planes?

‘The paint-job!’

‘You’re ahead of me. All of them are special edition Airbus 330s, right. So, as other world leaders fly-in, they’ll be met by the sight of the even more special UK A330, having just crossed the Atlantic, picked up the President, and on its return refuelled more, new F35 Bs making their first Atlantic crossing - video of which will have been splashed across social media in the previous few hours. The Atlantic Alliance showing it’s Green credentials.’

‘Okay.’

‘Then, they’re transferred to Royal Marine choppers, flying off one of the new carriers which, our so-called NATO allies will have already seen on their approach to landing, and been told, accidentally on purpose, that it will only be the US president who gets to inspect the carrier, on account of there being talk of buying a licence to use our design for replacing their own aged fleet.’

‘And the world’s media, they’ll have to be accommodated too.’

‘Accommodated is the right word. Yes, they’ve been told we don’t have the facilities. There’s a potential row about that at the moment, the university was the first out of the trap ages ago, but now the Bay Council have finally woken-up and want them to use the conference centre on the seafront.’

‘Who’ll win?’

‘My money is on the council, strange as that may seem. The media want drama, conflict, what better place for protest than the Prom, the beach, even the sea?’

‘But it will be students doing the street theatre.’

‘Or beach theatre, as no doubt we’ll come to know it. Our old friend the Associate Professor of Social Policy, is probably demanding the university backs-off at this very moment.’

‘Meanwhile you’ll be keeping your back channel to Wooley open.’

‘An unfortunate turn of phrase. Actually, since Buffy will be only too anxious to banish me, I think you’ll find yourself the centre of the Don’s attention.’

‘He’ll think I’m his inside man?’

‘In a manner of speaking. And, Buffy will want to insist, on only what he wants, getting leaked to The Beacon. Talking of which, pass me your work mobile a second. Now, right. Make this the only device you bring onto the grounds until further notice. My advice, is take any and all opportunities from now on to snap away at anything of potential interest. This device, is now set to auto-back-up photos to me. That way if someone takes it off you, I’ll still have a window of opportunity to pass stuff on. In fact, maybe I should start thinking-up potential favours - as our price for cooperation with Wooley.’

‘That’s enough food, we have to leave something for your trusted lieutenant. What’s the ETA now?’

‘Er, fifteen minutes.’

‘What does he drive, I’ve never noticed.’

‘Good. He’s Mr Inconspicuous.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Ever noticed a little van, with Northcott Electrics on the side?’

‘Oh! Always in the corner of the carpark, never thought anything of it.’

‘Hiding in plain sight.’

‘So, like Jack’s van then, more on the inside than out?’

‘Less.’

‘What?’

‘Deliberately low-tech, full of apparent junk, camping gear, old rope, toolkits circa nineteen seventy-five. Perfect cover for housebreaking implements etc.’

‘Plastic explosive...’

‘But, for today’s purposes his own set of golf clubs.’

‘Why does he get to come all this way, just to be the first to play the course?’

‘Well, someone has to check it all out, whilst we’re still in a position to make minor changes if need be.’

‘But why not one of the really good regular amateurs?’

‘He’s the only one of our lot, the inner circle as it were, who knows anything of the game, we follow behind, caddi-ing, and between us should be able to spot any problems.’

‘There’s more to this than you’re letting on.’

An hour later we were all at the first tee. ‘I say, that’s different!’ Exclaimed Cat.

‘Brilliant.’ Added Charlie.

‘Tell Uncle, he was the one who worked it all out. Actually Charlie, you and I should be taking pictures, each time the vista changes.’ It was the first time she or Cat had realised you could actually see the sea from the Park. ‘We must all leg-it up on to the roof again sometime soon.’

Cat didn’t have a long drive, understandably, so there was plenty of time to observe in some detail. I found myself taking notes, whilst Charlie fell into the role of caddie.

We were part way down the second fairway when Cat really got into the spirit of the thing, asking; ‘So, what would you recommend here Sparkwell? Tricky little shot, avoiding that bunker.’

‘I really couldn’t say, sir.’

‘But you’re a qualified sports instructor, didn’t they cover golf as part of your degree?’

‘Well, it only really came up in the Leisure Management modules, actual participation concentrated on team sports and the gym.’

‘I take it that really is meant to be a bunker, I can’t see any sand!’

‘Ah, yes, well. Small problem.’ I interjected.

‘Don’t know any chaps who can lift it off beaches.’

‘No, no, no. It’s actual quite easy to tell the difference between natural and commercial sand, you just rub a little between your fingers. Besides you don’t have to clean commercial sand. Fear not, it will be delivered - when the time and price is right.’

It took the best part of two hours for Cat to play all the new holes, plus the couple of old ones which had been modified. We did our best to imagine what the new trees would eventually hide.

‘Any chance of a stiffener at the bar?’

‘Yes, if Charlie is happy to play the bar steward.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘Now then, touching the matter of your accommodation.’

‘I must say, I’m looking forward to seeing the Villa.’

‘Yes, well, I have a proposal to make. If you care to follow us home, we’ll provide a tightner to go with your stiffener, but afterwards I suggest we give you the keys to our old apartment. And tonight, you can mull over the question of whether you’d like to live there, for a modest rent, more or less permanently?’

‘Might I suggest you ride with Mr Macintosh, sir. If Northcott Electrics is to remain inconspicuous, surely he’ll be requiring the tradesman’s entrance!’