19: Sparkwell and the wannabe politician

‘That Rory Flotterton, he’s one of your’s, isn’t he?’ She had me on my back, on her table, in the treatment room that was once my spare bedroom.

‘What brought that on?’

‘He started to talk, at the club spa - clients often do.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘I wasn’t treating him you understand, just loitering in the waiting area, the “group safe space”, when he came out from treatment a bit spaced-out.’

‘And?’

‘Well answer my question first, there is such a thing as client confidentiality, I need to work out what I can share.’

‘Yes, we were at school together, but he was a couple of years my junior, so I didn’t get to know him well. I come across him from time to time, move in the same circles, that sort of thing.’

‘But what do you know of his, situation?’

‘Well we have our code too! No, he’s always been a bit vague, distracted, so I can well imagine a decent massage would have put him well under.’

‘He was in free flow about his girlfriend.’

‘Oh lord, he’s not still being pursued by Prue the Puritan?’

‘He did call her Prudence all the time, and he talked about living up to her expectations, whether he’d ever measure up to her standards, whether they’d ever get married.’

‘Well that’s the thing you see, years ago - you’re never meant to refer to her as Prue by the way, it’s always Prudence - she latched on to him, decided he was the one and could be moulded until he measured up to the required standard, with the promise of unbounded intimacy and affection after marriage.’

‘You mean she’s been keeping him short?’

‘Well, I don’t know the details, but she always seems to be able to leave him wanting more, but not the least tempted to stray! I must say it’s a neat trick if you can pull it off.’

‘Not like us then.’

‘Quite. However the point is, she’s really quite ambitious on his behalf; but whilst she’s very smart and capable, poor old Rory never seems to be able to stay focused and apply himself to anything for more than five minutes.’

‘Prudence wants him to get adopted as our prospective parliamentary candidate.’


It was a while after our treatment session had ended, to the mutual satisfaction of the both of us, that I was able to digest Sparkwell’s latest Intell. ‘You’re very quiet,’ she said, ‘you usually have a bit more pep after I’ve given you a good seeing to.’

‘I’m gobsmacked, I can’t think of a job for which Rory would be less suited. The Puritan must have totally lost her marbles this time, although she did briefly have him trying to sell second-hand cars a while back.’

‘What happened?’

‘He survived a couple of days, then he had to spend a week lying down in a darkened room.’


Later still, I put my head around the swing door to the kitchen; ‘Something is coming through, now that the emotional centres of my brain have calmed a little, I think my last conversation with Prudence may hold the key.’

‘You fascinate me strangely Holmes.’

‘The first thing I imagined was poor Rory trying to master public speaking - an essential ingredient in an aspiring politician I’m sure you’ll agree. I have a vague recollection from the year I was speaker to the school debating society, he made a total pig’s breakfast of his maiden speech, not so much nerves as rambling, a total inability to stick to the point. Well anyway, during my last encounter with Prudence she did nothing but quiz me about how social media worked, how and why all these would be influencers, from advertisers to politicians, went about things. In short, I can only imagine that Prudence has concluded the only way her project will ever get off the ground is if Rory isn’t allowed to say anything, unscripted.’

‘And if by some miracle he eventually makes it to the House of Commons?’

‘Oh I understand once you’re in, you can go several years there without opening your mouth!’


A couple of days later, as we were drawing to a halt in the Park carpark, I said to Charlotte; ‘You haven’t asked anything more about the Grand Takeover Caper.’

‘Julia said it was family, I didn’t think it was my place to…’

‘The truth is, you’re looking at it. The answer. This grand house and parkland, in all its original glory, was Uncle’s family’s home, for five hundred years. This is the second house on the site. Now for most of his life he’s been the distant poor relation, but he actually came here a lot as a child, grew up knowing he could walk in anytime he liked, he took it all in as one does when young, right down to being just a custodian of the land, holding it in trust for future generations. Well, it was run down somewhat even then. World War II had taken its toll, then there was Korea, various end of empire military misadventures. The place was abandoned for decades. What Uncle failed to mention was that it came to him by right in the end. But, all his money was committed to that modest, but desirable gentleman’s residence we know as Checkley Manor. I’ve got a favour to ask, would you take a couple of hours out and deliver this package by hand to Julia, then pick me up on your way back?’

‘What is it?’

‘Share certificates and other documents, now in Julia’s name, quite a few of the smaller investors got cold feet after the takeover, I paid them a fair return on their original investment. It gives Julia twelve per cent, so the two of them have a controlling interest, and can stop me getting above myself. It also means they have a free hand when it comes to writing or changing Wills etc.’

‘My hero.’ She was silent for a moment, then started the engine; ‘I’ll do it on one condition, you keep us out of politics. Now move.’ Then as a parting shot; ‘And start putting me first for a change!’


Sitting at the bar, the thought occurred that with Charlie temporarily off-stage I might just be able to sneak my favourite lunch. ‘Tony! Just the man I’ve been looking for.’ Sods law I thought, as Rory broke into my reverie as well as my personal space.

‘I’ve not seen you in a while, how are you?’ I was politeness itself.

‘In a bit of a tight spot as it happens. You know all about social media.’

He doesn’t hang about I thought. ‘Well, more the tech side of things, can’t say I follow people’s actual behaviour online.’

‘Prudence says it’s all about the metadata. What is metadata?’

‘Time; when people post, how long they stay on a site, how often they return, how they choose to comment – words, photos, video – and how long they commit to it, but not the actual content itself, rather how it is communicated. Ok?’

‘So if you wanted to target ads and things?’

‘Well, it’s the level of interest, the time invested, rather than past buying habits or the attitude expressed.’

‘I see.’

I very much doubted it, but. ‘Dare one ask?’

‘Oh, Prudence thinks it can all be done via social media these days. I’m not one for public speaking apparently.’

‘Absolutely not. Rory, what the hell are you talking about?’ I did my best to fake ignorance.

‘Oh, yes of course, your girl Sparkwell is the soul of discretion I’m sure, fact is old man, Prudence wants me to put up for parliament.’

‘And you’re going along with it?’

‘Well, mustn’t let her down. She’s terribly keen, got a whole campaign mapped out. Stage one, get adopted as the party’s local candidate. Been pressing the flesh for a while now, adoption meeting sometime next week, I think?’

‘And what makes you think, you have a chance against all those who have been nursing the seat for years?’

‘Boundary changes apparently, virtually a new seat, and all my rivals are on the record as long standing Remoaners, Prudence reckons if I appear as a full on Brexiteer...’

‘Still seems a very long shot to me, you’ll at least need to dig-up the dirt on whoever you’re up against at every stage, and a few lucky events would help - a bit of street theatre, if you know what I mean?’

‘I don’t think Prudence would approve of anything underhand.’

‘Well, there might be one situation in which she would be prepared to come out with all guns blazing.’

‘What can you mean?’

‘If some tactless sod started coming out with all the details of your past’.

18: Sparkwell insists

‘Who did you order that parcel from?’ said Charlie, standing in the bay window, surveying the street.

‘An internationally renowned online retailer, why do you ask?’

‘I thought there was something odd when I opened the door to him, barely any English, pretty scruffy. Now he’s taken-off, in a little yellow van.’

‘Interesting, the delivery notifications are only just coming through - I opened the package a good five minutes ago!’

‘What was in it?’

‘Oh, exactly what was meant to be. I reckon the usual carrier is having a busy day and has hired extra help. He may not have the right kit for real-time reporting.’

‘We’ve become a bit sad.’

‘As in desperate you mean?!’

‘Yes. I mean, with all we’ve got, yet today we’re just moping around like, I don’t know what.’

‘Waiting, worse than the dentist.’

‘How will we hear?’

‘I don’t know, people have different ways of asking for help.’

‘Does he know he needs help?’

‘Excellent question, we are becoming one.’


Julia turned-up unannounced just after lunch. I say lunch, but since we were at the apartment it was strictly Sparkwell Rules so, enough said.

‘I’ve been sent as an emissary by your Uncle.’

‘And?’

‘There is no and - just come at once!’

‘You’re here to persuaded us to come at once?’

‘He thinks you’ll do it for my sake. Whilst I know you’ll do it because ultimately your ambition is to install Charlotte as the “lady of the manor”.’

‘What!’ exclaimed Charlie.

‘Oh yes, you don’t know him well enough yet, his fantasy is you, “mistress of Checkley”.’

‘All I’ve been trying to do is get myself in a financial position whereby I could do justice to the place should Uncle decide to leave all and sundry to you - made all the more urgent by your previously stated intentions viz. your Will. And were such circumstances to come about, I hardly think our ideas about what’s Green, would involve either of us - Lording it. No disrespect intended but, did you not teach yourself how to award prizes at the village fete, precisely in order to look “lady of the manor-ish”? Putting on the old airs and graces. Not that Charlie couldn’t pull it off, were she so minded. Anyway, my point is I don’t think we can be of much help apart from being an extra pair of hands.’

‘Two extra pairs of hands.’ Charlie interjected.

‘Quite.’

‘But at least you know more about wine making than my beloved’. Asserted Julia.

‘Not much. I know enough to know I don’t know.’

‘So, come and give a gentle nudge when required.’

‘But you can’t “nudge” wine making, any of it, from harvest to when you drink it, it has to be one person dictating from start to finish, absolute rule.’

‘Why?’

‘Taste, the palette of one person, imagining a final product, which may not emerge for years!’

‘But I’ve heard you say it’s all like a laboratory or factory these days!’

'Not when all you’ve got is a couple of rows of vines out the back, next to the pissoir!’

‘So, you’re willing to be there helping your Uncle make a balls-up of it?’

‘Look, how can I put this; grapes end up fermenting into alcohol right? Well that starts when they are fat and ripe on a hot day, full of sugar and for one reason or another get a slight bruise or blemish and continues on and on - until the winemaker decides to slow it up, perhaps several times, or bring it to a halt altogether. The secret, like comedy, is timing. The modern method, the factory method, is pick fast by machine at dawn and never let them get more than a few degrees about zero until the juice is more or less air-tight in a stainless-steel vat with you controlling all future inputs and outputs.’

‘Right, okay, so anything traditional is less predictable you mean?’

‘Very unpredictable. You guess the best time to pick for ripeness, remembering that will vary a lot within a single vineyard. Pick as quickly as you can after first light, press quickly in the Cave, then; our man - and ninety percent of the time it is still our man - tastes the rough juice and everything comes to a halt until he’s made a decision. Trouble is, the pressing itself, in an enclosed space with humans present, is a major accelerant to the whole process - my worry is Uncle will make a rash decision in the heady atmosphere and promptly keel over!’

‘But you made him buy a small refrigeration tank, you knew he’d need it.’

‘Sure, but that’s the easy part, you need to be able to judge the potential of the juice for the kind of wine you want to end up with, all I’ve ever done is watched from the shadows on a few occasions. And I was only once offered a taste, it’s pretty unattractive, I wouldn’t have a clue.’

‘Charlotte?’

‘I’ve never even been there at vendange.’

A silence descended. After what seemed an age Julia said; ‘He’s been a bit down anyway, he’s grateful that you delivered him from the hands of the suits at the Club, but he’s nervous about who’s going to turn up at the next meeting of management and shareholders.’

‘Tell him, all will be well.’ I said.

‘Is that all you’re going to say,’ said Charlie a little perturbed.

‘What should he be saying?’ Julia spoke-up.

‘I know he hasn’t told you everything, I know he hasn’t told me everything.’ Then, turning to me. ‘Well?’

‘Does nobody in this family trust me to do the right thing?’

‘I can’t live with all this, if you don’t speak up I will.’

‘Well, I sort of implied that when I was approached by a solicitor about the mine changing hands, he was a stranger; truth is we go back away.’

‘You said you were going to right an ancient injustice! I only went along with it because you dressed it up like you were on the side of… what’s right, what’s natural.’

‘What’s he done?’

‘It’s all him, start to finish, but it seems for some reason all he’s actual done is taken more than a million out of the Trust, paid nothing out, got forty per cent of the club for nothing and found a way of turning it into a cash cow for himself!’

‘Well Tony, how were you going to finish it?’

‘You know all about it?’ Interrupted Charlie.

‘Well I know what Tony thinks needs putting right, its family history. But as for money matters, well that’s just him moving his own money around to make even more, surely?’

‘Look,’ I said. ‘Just draw me a line in the sand Charlie and I’ll stop. No ifs, no buts. I mean, that’s what makes us unbeatable.’

‘That’s all right Charlotte, on this occasion I know exactly where the line is.’ Turning to me she said; ‘The magazine is going through a sticky period and I’m not touching your Uncle for it right now. Write me a cheque for fifty grand.’

‘Done. Now then, where did I put the right cheque book?’

17: Charlie Barista

‘Anthony! About time.’

‘Morning Auntie. Brinkley, my apologies, Charlie had problems finding a parking space.’

‘I trust she’s not joining us?’ Exclaimed the esteemed relative.

‘No aged A. She’s sat in reception, but she has my briefcase just in case we need documents.’ I walked across to the window. ‘I say, you really have bagged the best office, quite the most impressive view of our cathedral city I always think. Of course, Merriweather has a slight advantage being on the floor above…’

I was interrupted by Brinkley trying to stifle a cough, he recovered remarkably well. ‘I fear there has been a slight breakdown in communications. Mrs Hayward was quite unaware that we had moved location - almost two weeks ago - and that we are now in the same building as Bernard and his new partners.’

‘Really? Still, it all looks very efficient to me.’

‘Rather too ostentatious for my tastes, I hadn’t realised how prosperous you had become. I take it your business really is doing well, and that all this isn’t just done on the “never-never”?’

‘I can assure you we pay a minimal rent to the leaseholders.’

‘They’re sub-letting to you?’

‘In essence, Mrs Hayward. Merriweather and Stollard, as we must get use to calling them, have taken a lease on the whole building.’

‘And who pray owns the building?’

‘Well, in part, you do.’

‘Oh really, this is too much, you’re becoming as vague and evasive as my nephew.’

‘Surely you remember great Uncle Septimus telling you that one of his ancestors was a partner in the old bank which used to occupy this building in the 1860’s?’

‘Of course.’

‘Well, they held what we’d call the freehold on this place and it became one of the original assets in the Trust’s portfolio when it was first set up back in the year whenever!’

‘I see.’

‘In fact, Mrs Hayward, I’ve just had the rather delicious pleasure of replying to Bernard’s email reminding us that the rent was due - with a formal letter demanding the ground rent!’

I hadn’t seen such a broad smile on Brinkley’s face before. But once again he seemed to make a supreme effort in the face of Auntie’s non-response. ‘Well now, the floor is yours Mrs Hayward.’

‘I have certain questions about how you have been conducting business on behalf of the Trust, Brinkley.’

‘Indeed madam. I should say that in response to your urgent request for a meeting of the trustees, well I’ve kept this quite informal between the three of us for now, should you wish to make it official we will of course need to get Bernard along with one of his legal secretaries.’

‘Well that rather depends on the two of you giving me some straight answers for once; if not, I’m sure since the others are on the premises, it shouldn’t take more than a moment to summon them.’

‘Actually, I’m afraid, well I know for a fact, Bernard is in court today.’

‘Strange. One would have thought that as the senior partner he would have left the less savoury side of his profession to the more junior staff.’

‘Now there you’ve put your finger on it, Mrs Hayward. I fear our mutual friend has a weakness - he rather fancies himself as an advocate.’

‘I say!’

‘Oh, do stop this charade Anthony! You sound like a character out of one of those musicals from the 1930’s.’

‘Sorry, Auntie. It is a serious matter if Merriweather has taken to arguing his own cases in court - one can’t help wondering how his clients feel about it?’

‘I understand he’s quite meticulous about his preparations and presentation in court, very thorough with his law, it’s just, well he doesn’t seem that knowledgeable about the kind of judges he comes up against. Of course, we are rather out in the sticks here, and it tends to be all very last minute when it comes to finding out who will be sitting in the Crown Court. Anyway, I digress. Now Mrs Hayward, what precisely was it you were unhappy about?’

‘This notification you sent me, this purchase; why on earth have the two of you spent a seven-figure sum on some mineral rights?’

‘Yes, I’m afraid even that notification is rather out of date now, there should be a further written notification coming to you in the next few days.’

‘And what will that say?’

‘That the acquisition has now been disposed of.’

‘You were able to make a quick profit I take it?’

‘No. We made the mineral rights a charitable gift.’

‘What! You gave away...’

‘There is a quite unrelated matter you might be interested in Auntie, apropos of nothing at all you understand, I have recently, using my own money, bought a forty per cent interest in the Crawford Park development.’

‘But you don’t have any money of your own, beyond your monthly allowance!’

‘Oh, that was more than enough!’

‘These things do tend to come down to accounting convenience in the end Mrs Hayward.’

‘But I’ve been hearing appalling things about that country hideaway you and your associates have been creating, how it’s all about to go belly-up because you were too incompetent to realise the very ground on which it stands… oh I see.’

‘Property in the English countryside Mrs Hayward, as I’m sure you will appreciate has always been the soundest of long-term investments, and when one considers the fact that your nephew’s Uncle, the Earl, holds another forty per cent…'

Suddenly there was at knock on the door. ‘Enter!’ And there stood Charlie holding a plastic tray at shoulder height, upon which there appeared to be four paper takeaway cups with plastic lids - but lacking any of the usual brand advertising. ‘Good gracious Ms Sparkwell, does this mean you’ve been able to make the coffee machine work? It is the one item alas that has failed to be efficient so far!’

‘It just needed a bit of a kick-start Mr Brinkley. I blasted the mechanism with boiling water for ten seconds or so.’

‘By the way, since you are here, I should say we more or less, finally, have a job description and a contract of employment for you.’

‘I know, a lady calling herself Merriweather and Stollard’s employment law specialist just nipped down from upstairs to brief me. How she knew I was here I’ve no idea?’

‘Blame me Charlie, the whole building has a single new security system. I’m afraid I took the opportunity and persuaded Bernard to host a modest little road test of some facial recognition software a friend has been tinkering with.’

‘Surprise, surprise. Anyway, she’s explained the draft documents the two of you came up with, and the changes she’s insisting upon.’

‘I knew it! Is there no area of life where the two of you won’t angle for some advantage? What on earth were they going to make you sign my dear?’

‘Well that wasn’t at all clear apparently, the wording being so vague. Her main concern however is my residence at the apartment, and what might happen in the event of a breakdown in relations, so to speak.’

‘A not unlikely eventuality where my nephew is concerned, he has - I regret to say - a somewhat equivocal reputation. So, how is the matter to be resolved?’

‘My employer will formally be the charitable arm of the Trust, whilst my normal duties will be as a “carer” to one of the trustees, I may also be called upon to undertake tasks in other areas of the Trust’s charitable activities.’

‘Now that Brinkley my old son, is what we pay Merriweather so handsomely for. All we have to do now is make sure he doesn’t get carried away by the sound of his own voice and ends up being chucked in chokey for contempt of court!’

Then Auntie, determined to have the last word as always, said; ‘Charlotte, this coffee is really quite acceptable. Brinkley, I think a modest outlay on some china cups would be in order.’

16: Banished!

‘This is becoming absurd; it was bizarre before - now I don’t know what it is. What time is it?’

‘One o’clock darling.’

‘No wonder I’m feeling peckish.’

‘I’ll start on lunch’ said Charlotte.

‘Er, hold off a minute, if you would, someone youngish should hear this, might make more sense.’

Uncle seemed to take a very depth breath and sit more upright, steeling himself for the effort to come. ‘The other shareholders and the general committee got the report more or less the same time we did. The committee actually met between ten and about eleven, they didn’t come to any conclusions, just ended up trying to work out if they’d got it all straight in their heads, however; just before they broke-up they got a note from the other investors, your forty per cent as it were, responding with one voice for the first time in living memory, saying that if there is any prolonged disruption to revenues they will have to consider withdrawing their investment altogether. Now, that didn’t go down at all well. So, as you might expect, as twelve o’clock approached there were a fair number of the committee, along with some of the investors, lined-up alongside the members who usually loiter, in the lounge, in expectation of the bar opening. Now, get your head around this, five past twelve and someone announces to the whole bar, that he will pick up the tab for free champagne for anyone inside the clubhouse between then and one o’clock!’

‘How remarkable, the joy of giving.’ I couldn’t resist.

‘You haven’t heard the strangest bit. This announcement was followed by instant cheering and the tossing in the air of anything to hand, including sundry bread rolls placed on the tables not five minutes before, in expectation of lunch! The secretary has just confided that this all happened so quickly, he is firmly of the opinion that many of those present were there precisely because, they had anticipated such an eventuality.’

‘Well, well, well. But somehow your observant, man-on-the-spot, failed to notice who made the offer?

‘He says the man’s back was towards him and the light was against him. What do you make of all that Charlotte?’

‘Er, that men gossip as much as women, that everyone’s been rumour mongering for weeks, and someone likes the way things are turning out? How does everyone feel about cured ham; goat’s cheese, a tomato salad and a bottle of sweet white on the side?’

‘Excellent’ I interjected.

‘Bravo, I’ll give you a hand.’ Added Julia.

‘Well, Tony?’

‘All seems very satisfactory to me, so far.’

‘And now what?’

‘The people most likely to buy the shares are the very people with their noses to the trough right now, but they are also the best informed about the nature of the investment. Approaching anyone outside of the Park, gets the reply, show me what’s on offer, which right now can only appear a bit iffy. I think the Secretary should have hung on another ten minutes before giving you his situation report. If you’ll excuse me a moment.’ I took out my mobile and endeavoured to do a little catching-up.

‘Well?’

‘You know, I always think any scheme intended to influence the behaviour of three or more people, some of whom are quite unaware of their intended role in the proceedings, is fraught with mishap. But, one enthusiastic individual witnessed by many others, who just act like an audience, well, let’s see…’ I pressed video on, ‘yes, activated eleven minutes, thirty-two seconds ago, so I shan’t go live, but start at the beginning.’ I turned the device towards Uncle.

‘Good lord, that’s Earnshaw!’

‘In full living colour and audio.’

‘I say,’ said the voice wearing the bodycam; ‘if you chaps really are nervous about the future, I wouldn’t mind investing a little in the old place, what sort of price were you hoping for?’

‘Well, this all very premature, but we really couldn’t entertain anything less than we paid for them.’

‘Gosh. You really are putting on a brave face! But you don’t really mean that do you. It’s the way it’s done isn’t it, you open with some ridiculous price, I’m expected to reply with say, a penny per share and we bargain away to some compromise, right?’

‘Wrong. You offer something very close to my price or I go elsewhere.’

‘Right. But suppose there is no elsewhere, and you and your mates truly are on the road to nowhere?’

‘I don’t follow.’

‘Much as we imagined - the lads and myself, that is.’ (Murmurs of approval could clearly be heard, off camera.) ‘Suppose the real situation is that the mine is worth something, quite a bit in fact, and the owner will only hand it over in exchange for your chaps forty per cent of the club, and that he can afford to wait, forever! I mean who really wants your shares, other than one of us. I mean we rather like things the way they are, don’t we boys?' (‘Hear, hear’ spoke a number of voices-off.) 'Someone was saying only the other day that the pond looked a bit like one of those exhibits in that art gallery, you know the one, in the old power station - worthless to most people, but find the right… A word to the wise old man, if someone should approach you on the quiet, with an offer you can’t refuse, my advice would be to bow-out with all the good grace you can muster.’ At which point the camera seemed to go blank for a moment, then cleared to show an empty seat and a half-eaten meal.

‘Well I think we’ve seen enough’ I said.

Uncle was quite for a moment, then: ‘Remember that time we had tea at the Park, couple of months ago?’

‘Of course.’

‘Your pal said something to Charlotte to the effect, “this was always the way it was at school; Tony would work it all out then duffers like us would spring into action.” Care to comment?’

‘Earnshaw is one of what I like to call “the Thatcherite Tendency”.’

‘So I’ve heard you say.’

‘The first thing he ever knew about me was that I’d been at school with quite a few of the others - he’s the sort of bloke who thinks that’s the most important thing you need to know about a person!’

‘A not so wily Yorkshireman then.’

‘Quite! Perhaps, perhaps it’s time that you threw Charlotte and I out, sent us home a week early due to me aiding and abetting this hostile takeover. Put the word about that I’m involved and that my actions threaten the investment of all the shareholders and general quality of life of the members.’

‘Buying time?’

‘Earnshaw is not without resources, he needs time to discover the truth for himself, throw a wobbly, calm down and somewhere private, sign on the dotted.’

15: Homeward bound

Now, where was I? (We’re back in the apartment now by the way, have been for about a week.) All this - below I mean - was about ten days ago now. So anyway…


Uncle retreated to the library for a couple of hours to read a forwarded copy of the report using Julia’s old PC, whilst Julia looked worried because she didn’t know what was going on, Charlie looked worried because she thought she did know what was going on and it didn’t sit well with her. I got it in the neck from both of them, again, for not being the least worried. Eventually we decided to make coffee and take it up in case Uncle had slipped into the depths of despond.

‘Are you alright?’

‘Yes, easier to take when one knows the facts. Just a few memories drifting back, stuff one overheard the adults talk about. Seemed to me as a child they were all obsessed with money, but you know they really didn’t have enough, forever selling-off bits of the estate, I remember now, someone did suggest selling the mineral rights, but the old Earl said it couldn’t be done on account of them having already been sold, back in the previous century. Never occurred to me what that implied, men toiling in the dark beneath one’s feet and all that.’

‘Darling, what are you talking about?’

‘Oh, sorry. I was looking at him. He knows what I’m talking about because it turns out it really is the kind of rock that matters, and damn it, there is a quick fix with the right mix of concrete because it will be as hard as the rock in no time. And after all it is only really a crack and not a hole.’

‘I’m still none the wiser.’

‘Oh yes of course, well it turns out matey did come back very briefly with whoever does his Geophys and he waded-out to the middle and waved his gadget over the hole, so they have it in 3D and know it’s just a crack in the roof of the shaft.’

‘Shaft! As in mine? Going down hundreds of feet?!’

‘No, no, calm yourself my dear, we don’t have mines like that around here, we have Adit mines, masses of them around the edges of the moors, you go straight into the hill horizontally’.

‘But the Park isn’t on a hill!’

‘Oh, but it is! You just don’t realise it because the new road has such a gentle gradient, when you approach via the old road, by the time you’re passing behind the woods you’ve realised that when you crossed the river bridge just before, you were well above the pond, almost to the height of the top of the house and that the source of the river can only be at most a quarter of a mile behind you, hence you’ll never get more than a large pond and you’ll always sound pretty pretentious if you go around calling it a lake! You don’t look convinced. You know you are going up, when you take all those curves before the river, right? But by that time, you’ve actually come two and a half miles from Grimpen Cross where the old road starts.’

‘Fresh coffee anyone?’

‘Thankyou Charlotte, gosh, I didn’t notice you slip-out.’

‘Anyway, that’s by the by, because we’re all shafted, we can’t start or finish the rest of the Park, and make it a real going concern without going back and forth time and again to get permissions from whoever has taken the ground from under our feet; he’ll have his price, and a dozen legit reasons to delay whenever it suits him.’

‘What do you mean ‘whoever’, doesn’t it say in the report?’

‘The last mention in the registry is of the people who bought it in 1932 being dissolved, now the assets, in so far as there are any, must have passed to someone but… that’s his masterstroke, the weasel!’

‘Tony, your Uncle seems to think you know all about this, so does Charlotte, now in two sentences of plain English, if you wouldn’t mind.’

‘I was simply approached by a London solicitor who thought I might care to know that the old mine under the Park had recently changed hands. I take it you don’t want me to name names, need to know and all that’ I said, turning to Uncle.

‘Damn right I don’t, we’ll all need some deniability by the time this is over. Now, you’ve taken some position in this, Charlotte said you held a “pretty good” hand, I don’t think that is going to be good enough, what makes it unbeatable going into this deal?’

‘Well, the thing is what they really want is no deal at all. The conclusion of business, as it were, is them gifting the original mineral rights to the Park company itself.’

‘Oh, Christ! Here we go. Get it over with, how much per share?’

‘One penny.’

‘If this is some kind of a joke!’

‘Well, only if the mine isn’t worth anything to anybody. The only unbeatable hand is one where you and I stick together, no matter what. The thing is they want forty per cent, but they don’t care where that comes from - they rather thought they’d leave that up to me.’

‘Or else?’

‘Nothing, a delay is a delay, nothing happens and goes on happening.’

‘Surely we can put a stop to this, there must be regulations.’

‘My dear, we don’t know who they are because they are not registered yet, we don’t know how long they have left before they have to register because we don’t know when the purchase, or gift or transfer of whatever to whoever occurred; we don’t know when the crack happened or how it happening, how long the pond was draining away before anyone noticed. We don’t have any way of knowing if anyone has acted other than within the law, or the spirit of the law! All we have is laughing boy here telling us if we do it his way all will be rosy in the fucking garden! So, my dear boy, what would you advise?’

‘None of the shares have to come from you, or indeed the small investors.’

‘Oh marvellous! Some city boys want to clear out the ones we already have, the devil we know for the devil we don’t, goodbye cosy country club, hello the next country house hotel with gated community attached.’

‘All this mystery sounds a bit unconventional for city types, don’t you think? Anyway, I think the question of the hour, or perhaps the rest of today, is why now?’

‘So, what is happening at the mine, right now?’ Julia asked.

‘Bugger all I shouldn’t wonder, although these places do often have a regular stream of cavers going in. Not that they care much for these mines, but they are a bit nerdy, they want be able to say they’ve bagged every underground manmade whatever in the country and all that.’

‘You described the territory from the driver’s point of view, I assume you’ve walked it all at some point.’

‘Of course. Obviously, I missed one mine entrance, still they are pretty small and often overgrown. I suppose it must be decades since Julia and I have been to some of the more isolated places… Oh my god, it is in report, it has to be, I just can’t read it.’ Uncle went back to the screen. ‘Ha! Fancy going skinny dipping my dear?’

‘No, I do not, I thought we’d decided all that was done with at our age!’

‘Well, I’m afraid we couldn’t now even if we wanted to, least not at the same spot.’

Now, seemed as good a moment as any I was likely to get, so I walked over to Uncle and turned the screen through forty-five degrees or so. ‘They’ve given current figures for the water table presumably.’

‘That’s what I mean, but that cross section...’

‘So, seen from this angle, with the land rising all the way, that must be approximately north. So now it all comes out there, wherever there is, at more or less the same rate as it ever did.’

‘How can you know that? You’re town not country - as I keep trying to explain to you.’

‘I don’t have to, the likes of us have off the shelf software that does it all for us, adjusts for a flat screen, but in the actual data, will give you accuracy down to the last millimetre sometimes, even allows for the curvature of earth in the real data, but distorts for the sake of a good enough visualisation in two dimensions.’

‘Wait a minute, they may be using you as a middleman, but they won’t have told you what all this means.’

‘Sorry, full story has to wait till they have their forty per cent.’

Then the telephone rang, again.

This time we all heard Uncle’s side of the conversation, although it didn’t help the others much. It did tell me though, that there hadn’t yet, been any unintended consequences at the Park!