16: Banished!

‘This is becoming absurd; it was bizarre before - now I don’t know what it is. What time is it?’

‘One o’clock darling.’

‘No wonder I’m feeling peckish.’

‘I’ll start on lunch’ said Charlotte.

‘Er, hold off a minute, if you would, someone youngish should hear this, might make more sense.’

Uncle seemed to take a very depth breath and sit more upright, steeling himself for the effort to come. ‘The other shareholders and the general committee got the report more or less the same time we did. The committee actually met between ten and about eleven, they didn’t come to any conclusions, just ended up trying to work out if they’d got it all straight in their heads, however; just before they broke-up they got a note from the other investors, your forty per cent as it were, responding with one voice for the first time in living memory, saying that if there is any prolonged disruption to revenues they will have to consider withdrawing their investment altogether. Now, that didn’t go down at all well. So, as you might expect, as twelve o’clock approached there were a fair number of the committee, along with some of the investors, lined-up alongside the members who usually loiter, in the lounge, in expectation of the bar opening. Now, get your head around this, five past twelve and someone announces to the whole bar, that he will pick up the tab for free champagne for anyone inside the clubhouse between then and one o’clock!’

‘How remarkable, the joy of giving.’ I couldn’t resist.

‘You haven’t heard the strangest bit. This announcement was followed by instant cheering and the tossing in the air of anything to hand, including sundry bread rolls placed on the tables not five minutes before, in expectation of lunch! The secretary has just confided that this all happened so quickly, he is firmly of the opinion that many of those present were there precisely because, they had anticipated such an eventuality.’

‘Well, well, well. But somehow your observant, man-on-the-spot, failed to notice who made the offer?

‘He says the man’s back was towards him and the light was against him. What do you make of all that Charlotte?’

‘Er, that men gossip as much as women, that everyone’s been rumour mongering for weeks, and someone likes the way things are turning out? How does everyone feel about cured ham; goat’s cheese, a tomato salad and a bottle of sweet white on the side?’

‘Excellent’ I interjected.

‘Bravo, I’ll give you a hand.’ Added Julia.

‘Well, Tony?’

‘All seems very satisfactory to me, so far.’

‘And now what?’

‘The people most likely to buy the shares are the very people with their noses to the trough right now, but they are also the best informed about the nature of the investment. Approaching anyone outside of the Park, gets the reply, show me what’s on offer, which right now can only appear a bit iffy. I think the Secretary should have hung on another ten minutes before giving you his situation report. If you’ll excuse me a moment.’ I took out my mobile and endeavoured to do a little catching-up.

‘Well?’

‘You know, I always think any scheme intended to influence the behaviour of three or more people, some of whom are quite unaware of their intended role in the proceedings, is fraught with mishap. But, one enthusiastic individual witnessed by many others, who just act like an audience, well, let’s see…’ I pressed video on, ‘yes, activated eleven minutes, thirty-two seconds ago, so I shan’t go live, but start at the beginning.’ I turned the device towards Uncle.

‘Good lord, that’s Earnshaw!’

‘In full living colour and audio.’

‘I say,’ said the voice wearing the bodycam; ‘if you chaps really are nervous about the future, I wouldn’t mind investing a little in the old place, what sort of price were you hoping for?’

‘Well, this all very premature, but we really couldn’t entertain anything less than we paid for them.’

‘Gosh. You really are putting on a brave face! But you don’t really mean that do you. It’s the way it’s done isn’t it, you open with some ridiculous price, I’m expected to reply with say, a penny per share and we bargain away to some compromise, right?’

‘Wrong. You offer something very close to my price or I go elsewhere.’

‘Right. But suppose there is no elsewhere, and you and your mates truly are on the road to nowhere?’

‘I don’t follow.’

‘Much as we imagined - the lads and myself, that is.’ (Murmurs of approval could clearly be heard, off camera.) ‘Suppose the real situation is that the mine is worth something, quite a bit in fact, and the owner will only hand it over in exchange for your chaps forty per cent of the club, and that he can afford to wait, forever! I mean who really wants your shares, other than one of us. I mean we rather like things the way they are, don’t we boys?' (‘Hear, hear’ spoke a number of voices-off.) 'Someone was saying only the other day that the pond looked a bit like one of those exhibits in that art gallery, you know the one, in the old power station - worthless to most people, but find the right… A word to the wise old man, if someone should approach you on the quiet, with an offer you can’t refuse, my advice would be to bow-out with all the good grace you can muster.’ At which point the camera seemed to go blank for a moment, then cleared to show an empty seat and a half-eaten meal.

‘Well I think we’ve seen enough’ I said.

Uncle was quite for a moment, then: ‘Remember that time we had tea at the Park, couple of months ago?’

‘Of course.’

‘Your pal said something to Charlotte to the effect, “this was always the way it was at school; Tony would work it all out then duffers like us would spring into action.” Care to comment?’

‘Earnshaw is one of what I like to call “the Thatcherite Tendency”.’

‘So I’ve heard you say.’

‘The first thing he ever knew about me was that I’d been at school with quite a few of the others - he’s the sort of bloke who thinks that’s the most important thing you need to know about a person!’

‘A not so wily Yorkshireman then.’

‘Quite! Perhaps, perhaps it’s time that you threw Charlotte and I out, sent us home a week early due to me aiding and abetting this hostile takeover. Put the word about that I’m involved and that my actions threaten the investment of all the shareholders and general quality of life of the members.’

‘Buying time?’

‘Earnshaw is not without resources, he needs time to discover the truth for himself, throw a wobbly, calm down and somewhere private, sign on the dotted.’