‘I suppose you know all about this?’ So said Charlie, head in tablet, as I entered the kitchen for my restorative morning coffee.
‘Well...’
‘And Don’s been less than frank.’
‘In fairness he didn’t know he was on the verge of a major exclusive until after the pictures were taken. For what it’s worth, I think your pics are better, should be a nice little earner.’
‘That’s not the point! I almost feel sorry for Buffy now, it’s not quite cricket.’
‘But then I’m no gentleman player. Still, there’s a free lunch in it for us, if it works.’
‘If what works?’
‘Carrie wants Buffy gone.’
‘Clearly!’
‘This way, Buffy, I predict, leaves her, stomps out in high dudgeon. Carrie reckons if she threw him out, he wouldn’t go quietly.’
‘Male ego.’
‘That’s the plan. And some extra cash for her to oil the wheels when she takes hands-on control of the pub once more. An outcome devoutly to be wished by the regular punters, so I’m told.’
‘Ada! Good morning, good morning.’
‘Here to fleece an old widow?’
‘Only of a cup of tea, if there’s one going.’
‘Come in quick, lest you be seen loitering.’
I was shown politely into the living room. I few minutes later tea appeared. ‘Congratulations on your golf by the way, officially top senior, not to be sniffed at.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Now then, what’s all this about you being strapped for cash?’
‘It may seem selfish in a cost-of-living crisis, but I’ve rather got use to my creature comforts. I’ve been doing the accounts. Things don’t quite add up.’
‘Right, so it’s not a one-off debt, you’re just short of a few thousand a year?’
‘What I’m short of is peace of mind. I’d actually have to sell-off quite a lot to generate the interest I’d need.’
‘Right. Well, to begin at the beginning. If push comes to shove, you should let yourself go into arrears on the management fees and or your club membership, because, at the end of the day, one or both could be claimed for from your estate. No one is going to throw you out whilst you have assets. Don’t get behind on basics like food, transport, utilities etc. And hold on to your shares until you want to sell them. I’d much prefer you took on a few commissions on the side.’
‘You want me to work for you?!’
‘Please, nothing so crude, but in my world, I can put a monetary value on almost anything...’
‘You do want me to hustle for you.’
‘Ada! Nothing that would leave you feeling in the least bit compromised.’
‘Your uncle is right to have doubts about you.’
‘You have the quiet, unobtrusive observational skills of a certain Miss Jane Marple - I can use that.’
‘I’m not some sort of honorary male!’
‘No, no, quite.’
‘I mean, I don’t mind being one of the chaps in public, but you know...’
‘Of course, must grate at times.’
‘I mean wearing these clothes, driving you around all the time, I get propositioned by enough women as it is.’
‘So, one would imagine.’
‘I just need a lot of old-fashioned straight attention.’
‘I’ll see what can be arranged.’
We were on our way to the Dissipated Kipper to claim our free lunch and hear how much truth there was in the Don’s version of Carrie’s version of life with Buffy and discover the fallout. Beyond the fact that Buffy had gone, we were in the dark.
‘Watch and learn Charlie, watch and learn.’
‘We have been here before; in case you’d forgotten.’
‘I know but I want you to appreciate that the country was once littered with blue-eyed, buxom blondes, leaning forward on beer sodden bars, showing all they’d got, and winking at the punters. The traditional barmaid is a very different kind of persuasion than your, barista-style waitressing. But no less effective for all that. Aye, aye, she’s coming over.’
‘One cod and chips and one plant-based platter, well on their way, may I join you?’
‘Naturally, it’s your bar!’
‘I know, it’s a good feeling, how’s the six-X?’
‘Excellent.’
‘Takings are up already. When Don realised what I wanted the money for, he said best forget the Downing Street stuff, and focus on the sexual shenanigans around here and at the cottage. The man’s a genius, we’re packed again and the regulars are only too glad to see the back of Buffy. Can’t imagine why I’m so popular again!’
‘Yes. The Beacon, family newspaper that it is, has to make the most of innuendo and the double entendre.’
‘Not sure I’d be so happy being so frank though.’ Mused Charlie.
‘Well, I’ve been around the block so much darling, seen it all I suppose, still all that play-acting stuff he used to insist on. I think he needed it all though, you know, to get aroused in the first place. I used to tell him; “relax, put yourself in the hands of an expert”, but it didn’t really work like that for him. Do you think it’s having puberty at a public school that brings on the kinky side, Tony?’
‘Well...’
‘Can't say I've noticed.’ Commented my companion.
‘Well no, not you Tony, always straight down, to business...’
‘What's happened to Fluffy?’ Interceded Charlie.
‘Told him to take the grubby thing with him. That was another bone of contention.’
‘How so?’
‘I wanted him outside, doing something useful, ratting, round the back of here.’
‘Where are they now?’
‘No idea.’
It wasn’t long before Buffy’s location became only too apparent. ‘How long can he afford a bedroom for?’ Asked Charlie as we motored to the Park.
‘Who knows. Still, the rulebook says you can only stay up to one calendar month.’
‘Rory’s Whitehall watchdog committee report is due out today; will he have seen it?’
‘Oh yes.’
We went our separate ways at the carpark.
Buffy snatched open the bedroom door so quickly, my hand was left raised in mid-air. ‘Oh! It’s you Anthony, I rather expected one of the staff, Fluffy has gone walkabout.’
‘Where did you see him last?’
‘Lost track of him coming in after our run.’ Which explained the rugby shirt, pre-war footer bags and essence of dog. ‘You’d better come in, I’m half way through the Flotterton Report, almost ten months and nearly a hundred pages, surprised he had the attention span. He’s a treacherous bastard. Prudence putting ideas in his head, she never liked me. You can have the turncoat back now. I’ll be full-time in the constituency, saving my seat! Have the Press turned-up yet, someone is bound to leak?’
‘Not as yet. You could hole-up here for up to a month without falling foul of the club, though I can’t promise the same for Fluffy.’
‘I’ll be gone within days. No, the Press are a minor irritant, one still has friends in Cabinet. Was that contact in Transport any use to you?’
‘Too early to say, we’re playing a long game.’
‘Can’t see why you’d be interested in steam trains, no money in it. Quite the reverse, unless that’s the point?’
‘We, had lunch with Carrie.’
‘You can have her back as well. Swop her for Charlie, eh?’
‘Ah, most amusing.’
‘What are you doing here anyway?’
‘Some of the chaps are concerned for your welfare.’
He paused, looked me up and down. ‘Really? We’re both just a couple of middle-class grafters, you and I. I’ll grant you give the finer performance, the tailored suit, fresh buttonhole. But some of that lot down below, are still obsessed with the outworn fetishes of a purblind social system.’
‘Rank is but the guinea stamp.’
‘How did you know I was going to say that?’
‘It’s a quote!’
‘But I just made it up.’
‘It’s Wodehouse!’
‘It is?’
‘The only author I’ve ever seen you reading. I’ll leave you alone now, so long Buffy.’
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