‘Parcel delivery, sir.’
‘I haven’t ordered anything.’
‘Perhaps someone’s been viewing your wish lists.’
‘I don’t have any.’
‘I’ll open it for you if you like.’
‘No, no, that’s alright.’ I was damned if I was going to give her the satisfaction. I poked and prodded as I got to work with the scissors. It felt suspiciously like clothing. Instead of hovering in mild agitation, there was a definite attempt to suppress the lopsided smirk. ‘What the… I see, don’t tell me, we’re moving to a new stage of the programme.’
‘It’ll take ten years off you.’
‘The track suit bit is for outside I take it.’
‘We need to get you at least capable of running for a bus - without doing yourself an injury.’
Charlie’s programme consisted of making use of the Park golf course whilst it was out of commission to members. ‘Jog a bit, sprint a bit, jog a bit more. Rest.’
‘Oh yes.’
‘Jog for twenty, sprint for ten, jog for twenty, stop. Get it?’
‘And I get to count at my own rate?’
‘Never fails.’
‘Really? Surely people just count faster and head for the early shower.’
She moved in close. ‘Women aren’t attracted to the money; it’s the ambition, the get up and go! Blokes on the make often pull as well as the already accomplished. You just have to be seen to be going places and enjoying it. Anything gravity defying is joyful.’
‘Okay, coach.’
I had hoped our exertions had been more or less private, but as we passed outside the veranda bar, en route to the bathrooms at the back of the spa, we were diverted. There were people waving at us, a few had raised champagne glasses. Someone opened the glass door and gestured. Reluctant to enter in my hot and sweaty state, nonetheless I obliged. I turned to Cat Mackintosh; ‘The atmosphere is positively raucous, I see from that silent tv screen Buffy is making some sort of a statement, has the Brexit withdrawal deal been done then?’
‘Oh never mind that. We’re celebrating our deal. I counted it all up, five hundred and eight days since the Televised Sport Advisory Sub-committee to the Dining Committee was set up, our final report should be in your inbox now.’
‘The protocol for tv at the club? Done? Well blow me. I thought it would take you all at least two years.’ I patted my pockets, searching for my mobile device, securely attached to me somehow, gathering the fitness activity data insisted upon by Charlie. After some ferreting. ‘Only fifteen pages, you’ve shown admirable restraint.’
‘Well, everything became extraordinarily simple once we’d devised, The Cricket Test!’
‘No, don’t tell me, let me digest at leisure, after I’ve had a shower. Carry on, I’m sure you’ve all done very well.’
Before leaving the Park, I ran off a hard copy of the report. I refuse to own a printer on principal these days. I pursued it as I was driven home. ‘Well?’ Asked Charlie.
‘Well what?’
‘This is all bound to involve a lengthy briefing, you may as well make a start.’
‘Er, um, yes. I know! Now then. Us chaps, as you know, take a pretty traditional view of life as a whole. When the club opened there was a general feeling that tv in the lounge or the bar - or indeed in some sort of dedicated tv room was strictly a no, no. A smoking room, no problem. A library for quiet contemplation and the writing of letters, natural enough. But couch potatoes, enduring their Soaps, not for people like us.’
‘I get it. But what to do about live sport? Of course.’
‘Precisely so.’
‘Hardly within the purview of the Dining Committee surely?’
‘You’re remembering your education. Well, geography really. I mean the permanent open access between the lounge, the dining area and the veranda bar, was all the result of lifting off the two sets of connecting double doors. All areas food and drink.’
‘Right.’
‘So, when the issue looked like being contentious, I suggested a one-off sub-committee. And it was agreed that a temporary solution of a flat screen on the wall in the bar with the sound usually off would be allowed, wired for free channels only.’
‘And eighteen months later…’
‘Quite. The problem was everyone chipped in with the different sports they wanted, we didn’t want to have people staying at home for significant parts of the year, so somehow it had to be everything from the Albanian football league, to the Zimbabwean cricket team. Not to mention the gender lobby, whether they were fans or not, if there was a female equivalent somewhere on the globe, we had to be seen to be providing it. So, technical and financial challenges to be overcome.’
‘What’s the cricket test?’
‘Well that’s what I’m in the middle of now, leave me in peace a while and I’ll endeavour an explanation in plain English.’
After fifteen minutes or so of cogitation back at the apartment, and fortified by a glass of iced water with a slice of lemon, I resumed. ‘The premise is; if we can satisfy the demand for a live feed of every single international cricket match - with the sound turned down - and the TMS radio commentary or equivalent, plus a second screen showing a real time scoreboard, then, we will, by default have purchased all the right kit and subscriptions in order to view everything else!’
‘Are they right?’
‘Well they’ve had long enough to think about it!’
‘And how do they propose paying for it?’
‘Well, here it would seem their psychology is right on the button. I may not be a great sports fan, but I can see that charging a premium on alcohol during a sporting event is genius. It satisfies the fundamental need for the club itself. After all, solitary sport is no sport at all, artificially creating a crowd spirit is the whole point - with a premium paid on the drinks, the right crowd self-selects itself.’
‘You mean on cricket days the bar will be packed with cricket fans.’
‘Got it in one.’
‘And on women’s football days?’
‘Not so crowded I grant you.’
‘But what about the disgruntled male members who can be seen hovering at twelve o’clock every day?’
‘Oh, I think you’ll find a sizeable chunk of them keeping half an eye on the game.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, the Americans have an expression which covers the phenomenon rather well, “foxy boxing”.’
‘Are you all right?’
‘Sure.’
‘It’s just that, you’ve been staring into space since ending that call.’
‘Yes, just taking it all in. It was from Carrie, I’m having one of those, “why am I being told all this” moments.’
‘Oh yes.’
‘I’ve been told the proposed election date, it’s a week later than I’d supposed, apparently we, the constituency that is, are ground zero. Given that Rory is Buffy’s majority, Rory must be seen from the start to be on the up and up.’
‘You mean Buffy wants you to big him up, Rory that is?’
‘Quite, but of course from the opposition’s point of view, we are their key marginal. Now I’m clear in my mind on what needs to be done, I know what would work, it’s just the how…’
‘Well just don’t drag me into it.’
‘Understood.’
‘Negotiations over the wood patrol are at a delicate stage.’
‘Of course, Tuffy and his chums will be well out it.’
‘Fortuitous.’
‘I leave the matter entirely in your hands, though of course I shall be available to give consultation should you require it. Only one item of advice. Supervise the stacking like a hawk, air flow is the key to the whole enterprise.’
‘Very good, sir.’
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