Undercover of the growing darkness brought on by parliamentary chaos, we sent in the bulldozers.
Well not quite - various earth moving equipment was used by the contractors. Uncle and I had started by making a rough map from the old illustrations of the parkland, then a golfing landscape gardener, friend of a member, made a proper digitised map using super accurate current data, before proceeding to send in the lads with the poles and tape to mark it all out. Trouble is, as soon you dig things up, the spoil always takes up more space than hole left behind - however modest your project, the whole place starts to look like a giant tip! Then it had to stay that way, until the tree surgeons had done their stuff. Despite giving reassurance all round, few seemed convinced by our argument that there would be just as much green and trees and much improved views with eighteen, rather than nine holes!
‘I say, where’s the money coming from for all this?’ Asked an anonymous club member.
‘Fear not, the Park company is paying, from real cash it’s already got, no new loans on my watch.’ I replied.
‘Still, no doubt you’ll be increasing the rent, and therefore our fees in the fullness of time?’
‘Well, yes and no. The current freebie of the nine holes, becomes an optional extra golf membership fee, separate from the standard package. Non-players should see their outgoings stay more or less the same in real terms. Well, that’s the plan anyway.’ What I didn’t say was that the money had actually come from the Trust, already accounted for a year earlier in the imaged cost of purchasing the mineral rights.
One day when Charlie and I were roaming the grounds monitoring progress in our precautionary wellies, she said; ‘Wouldn’t it have made more sense to do the felling and trunk removal before the earth moving?’
‘Well that rather depends on what your baseline for measuring efficiency is I suppose, something is only efficient when measured against an agree standard.’
‘But time, labour, mess…’
‘Sure, but these days with computerised measurement of everything, it’s often more profitable to calculate the total energy expended. Sometimes that’s just fuel, but even then, fewer people gently operating machinery set to some form of cruise control, which leads to a job taking longer, is often more profitable. There are reasons why the Green market economy is taking off!’
‘What! But…’
‘Think it through.’ I said, as I started to gently wander away.
‘Hang-on, are you saying the Green movement is being undermined?’
‘Well not really, but if you’re an idealist and have decided a particular way is morally superior, you’ll probably think it unnecessary to study what your enemy actually does. Always a mistake to focus on your opponent’s words rather than their actions.’
‘There’s still a lot you don’t know about me you know.’
‘I don’t doubt it. But that’s only right, surely, we hit each other with stuff, if and when we choose.’
‘For example, I’m fully certificated to use a chainsaw.’
‘Well, I’ll be damned.’
‘That’s why I had to take instruction from you and your Uncle on hand axes despite being quite good in woodland.’
‘Now there’s a thought, we decided not to sell all the wood but hold some back in the hope of finding someone who could knock out some woodland furniture. Any thoughts?’
‘You can’t help it can you. It’s instant. Looking for an opportunity in every situation.’
‘I try. Shame the pond doesn’t freeze over in winter, we could get you ice sculpting!’
Back home that evening, Charlie caught me off-guard with a question I couldn’t answer. ‘How many of your club members are religious?’
‘I don’t think we have that data. Besides it’s your club as much as mine these days.’
‘I suppose so. I just overheard a bit of chat at the spa about the nearest church, down in the village, having had no services for eighteen months.’
‘Good point. I don’t know anything about where the owners of the bungalows go either.’
‘Perhaps you should have a faith centre or meditation room in your ever-expanding plans for the Spa.’
‘We might be able to do better than that. How far have you got in your reading of Uncle’s magnum opus?’
‘Not as far as you.’
‘The house has a private chapel. I’ve only ever seen inside for a minute or two by torch light some years ago, but according to the manuscript it occupies the same space as the original chapel attached to the first house - ancient, sanctified ground in other words. And of course if we got truly ambitious about the whole place we’d have to spend money protecting it anyway, burials and all that, there never was a separate mausoleum or anything as fancy as that.’
‘I should like to be buried there, with a chainsaw in my hand for protection in the next life.’
‘Here lies Nemesis. You’ll have to make that clear in your Will, none of us will be here to see it done. However, at least we’ll have time to prepare for your arrival and the inevitable retribution.’
‘I’ve had yet another idea!’ I announced, entering the kitchen the following morning; ‘I must get Tuffy round here right away.’ I rattled off a text before turning towards a bemused Charlie. ‘Now then, I want you to listen in, hover and observe all, because although it does concern you, I want you to remain silent for the time being. There’s a chance for a nice little earner for you on the side, but we need to give Tuffy a few days to absorb the idea, realise you are the answer to his problems, then come begging.’
‘Whatever.’
‘What?’
‘I’ll take your word for it.’
‘Really? You don’t require a full and exhaustive briefing?’
‘I trust you. Besides, I doubt you could best me anymore where Tuffy’s concerned.’
‘Tuffy! I have a new scheme, and I think you’re just the man to mastermind it.’
‘Really?’
‘Absolutely. Morning coffee? Still milky with one sugar?’
‘Yes, er thank you. I am pretty busy these days old man, and I’m not sure Victoria would approve if she got to hear of anything, you know, underhand.’
‘My dear fellow! Would I suggest such thing? No, on second thoughts don’t answer that. What I have in mind is purely legit. Now then, for a while now you and your buddies have been angling for the return of at least one open wood fire at the club, correct?
‘Certainly.’
‘We are now in a position to move to the experimental, feasibility stage of your project. However, we will require a modicum of volunteer labour. Are you up for it?’
‘Well, that rather depends…’
‘Your eleven-es, gentlemen.’
‘Thank you Charlie. We have hung-on to some of the wood from the golf course, we need you to lead a work party, to cut, chop and split said wood.’
‘Oh, I see.’
‘I think I have found just the spot to allow the wood to dry enough in time for Christmas. And besides, we have to buy a bit of time anyway, to track down a country house chimney expert, otherwise we run a very real risk of falling foul of the local authority, not to mention setting fire to the whole place.’
‘Yes, gosh, one wouldn’t want that.’
‘Now I reckon the house’s original wood store, which backed on to the boiler house, and therefore was always dry and slightly warm, can be reinstated. I fully realise that the modern boiler is a lot better insulated, but I think it will do the trick. The one thing I can’t tell you, is whether you’ll be better off moving the wood before or after you chop it, I imagine that will depend in part on what kind of transport you can rustle-up. Well, are you our man?’
‘Of course, of course.’
‘Any thoughts on team selection?’
‘Well, there were a least six or seven who sounded pretty keen the last time it came up for discussion.’
‘Excellent. Now then, how’s life with Lady V?...’
I’d barely closed the door before Charlie started in. ‘Are you sure? I mean, suppose they think they’re just the men for the job, get stuck in and only realise they’re in trouble when a lose axe head flies through the air and takes half someone’s head away.’
‘Ah, now then. You’re theorising from insufficient data, Watson. These buddies of Tuffy’s, are on the whole country-bred. At some point in their childhoods their fathers insisted they spend some part of the holidays mucking-in, sometimes mucking-out, with the outside staff. They would also play a lot in the grounds. They will know perfectly well that hard labour is involved, and yet it is they who fantasise about spending the long winter afternoons lounging in front of a real fire, and someone is bound to immediately turn out an old toasting fork intent on crumpets at four o’clock. In other words, they’ll be thinking of hired help within the first five minutes.’
‘Well. I’m not doing it all on my own, you’ll need tons of it just for a try-out over Christmas!’
‘Precisely so. But my thinking is, you provide the leadership, the motivation. You should, for a modest fee, command and instruct the reluctant detail yourself.’
I could see her mind at work. Just as I’d seen that Tuffy was determined not to lose face by turning the job down; she I knew was thinking; ‘Can I rise to the challenge?’ It would be, but a matter of time.
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