‘Don’t tell me…’
‘The text just says “With you at four, full
stop, Elisabeth.”
‘..it would do. I had a feeling we were
rapidly approaching more, tea and scandal.’
‘We have our yoga session to do yet’.
‘Oh, I think thirty minutes will be plenty time enough.’
‘On your head be it.’ Then, looking up from her device. ‘Wow! “They are at the end of the gallery; retired to their tea and scandal, according to their ancient custom.” That the one?’
‘You’ve got my number Charlie.’
‘Wait. Act One, Scene One, William Congreve 1694 The Double Dealer, oh that’s appropriate.’
‘I’ll ignore that, we have practice to do.’
‘So “gallery”, what’s that?’
‘Er, posh houses of the time would have a long gallery down the whole of one side of the house.’
‘So this bloke says “they” - everyone knows he’s talking about gossipy women huddled in the corner?’
‘Precisely. Come on, get your kit off.'
By now, gentle reader, I suspect you can see what’s coming. Our literally diversion, led to our physical diversions overrunning. This time we both jumped at the sound of the flat doorbell ringing. I glanced at the screen. ‘It’s her, someone going out must have let her in. Quick, you put on your dressing gown, open the door and just say you were changing. When I come out fully dressed you go back in your room and change into whatever works.’
‘Oh, thanks a lot.’
‘Trust me, it won’t work the other way around.’
I confess I left the bedroom door ajar. ‘Good afternoon, Mrs Haywood. Do come in. My apologies for the delay, I was just changing after our yoga session.’
‘Yoga! The room certainly has the aroma of the gymnasium. The mats, oh yes I see, of course. Forgive me Ms Sparkwell, but why does my nephew require you to instruct him in yoga in his living room?’
‘It’s a delicate matter, madam. The specific exercises I have been recommending happen to be very effective for tightening up, shall we say, bringing back good order and discipline to the whole digestive system. I’m determined to have a go at reversing all aspects of what I believe is simply - premature ageing.’
‘Yes, of course he has led a totally self-indulgent lifestyle until now, even as a child he would get the most appalling collywobbles. No self-control. I wish you well. Now run along dear and change. Anthony!’
I emerged, completing my transformation on the move for fear she would enter the bedroom. ‘How are you auntie? You look full of the joys. Has Charlotte been taking care of you?’
‘I really think it a bit much making the poor girl answer the door in a state of undress, what will everyone think. You should be more considerate. Especially since I understand she’s been taking you in hand.’
‘That’s one way of putting it.’
‘I shall monitor your progress with interest. After all, you cannot deny that, how should one say - cursed with too much money, you fritter away in idle selfishness…’
At that moment we both noticed Sparkwell, now respectfully attired in her suit, pass through en route to the kitchen, head down and typing furiously. ‘Oh lord, oh my ears and whiskers.’
‘What is it she’s doing that alarms you so, Anthony?’
‘I think she’s just trying to improve her education, she’s heard you make a literary allusion - doesn’t want to appear ignorant when she returns with the tea.’
‘Nonsense, I know my own mind, you’re the one forever offering up obscure references, showing off your knowledge - which after all, we all know is just the result of an education very expensively bought!’
‘Well I expect direct quotes can be unconsciously made...’
‘What are you saying?’
‘Tea, Mrs Haywood?’
‘Thank you, nice to know you’re weening him off those most unsavoury cakes.’
‘May I ask, did you read to Anthony as a child?’
‘Very occasionally perhaps, I have no recollection. No, I don’t think we can seek there for the source of his Bohemian tendencies.’
‘I’ll plead guilty to the lesser charge of Bourgeois Boheme, if you insist.’
‘There you go again. Affectation bordering on snobbery. Despoiling our mother tongue. Mummy used to say it all came in with the Jazz Age, provocative dancing to provocative words.’
‘Dapper Dan was a very handy man on a train that ran through Dixie, Made the beds and ev'rything. All you had to do was ring...’ Charlie spoke with a faraway, wistful voice, not a bit like the song. ‘He has it in his music collection, Mrs Hayward’.
‘There you are, you won’t get away with in the future, coffeehouse-ing your life away.’
‘No alas, after all Aunt, coffee only came in, in the eighteenth century along with sugar. Tea had been around a whole lot longer.’
‘I’m reducing his caffeine intake to one measure per day.’
‘Very wise. Now then Anthony, what’s this I hear about Mr Tufnell proposing to marry a waitress, again!’
‘Fear not, I’ve delegated the matter to Charlotte, after all she knows the girl.’
‘Indeed, how intriguing...’
‘Okay, so I get that students and even teachers are idiots even when searching because they let themselves be led down the garden path, in fact the old “touch your forelock” thing is still there in education despite everything. I get that a lot of learning is unconscious imitation, but how does someone end up…'
‘Well, when you read a book or watch a movie, TV, that you really get to like, it’s all about being able to identify and empathise with a character or characters. But nonetheless you’re still giving equal attention to what you don’t care for, otherwise you’d never appreciate the situation your favourite character is in.’
‘Right.’
‘So time passes, you grow-up, change, once in a while you think, oh my God I sounded just like my father when I said that, more time passes and you end up actually behaving in a way totally at odds with the story you tell yourself, and the rest of the world, about who you are and what you are. So, you are right, we must stay in the moment, let go.’
‘Out there they think love conquers all!’
‘They also think that beauty is truth and that’s all they need to know… We can do better than that, now here’s a quote; “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery.’
‘Who was he?’
‘French pilot and part-time writer, flew small planes around the Mediterranean and North Africa in the Nineteen-thirties, disappeared off the French coast during the war, ferrying God knows what or whom, flying by the seat of his pants.’
‘Navigating with his balls more like.’
‘In an age when women wore silk knickers, and loose trousers that really did hang from the hips.’
‘Never have the hair removed from your actual genitalia. So, I know where to start on your so called library, let’s see, my word, fourteen volumes.’
‘They’re all in the correct order, I should start at the beginning, it will be pleasant light reading for the journey.’
‘Where are we going?’
‘Do you have a passport?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then we take the night train to Antibes.’
‘Tonight?’
‘Give me ten minutes and I’ll tell you.’
‘On your head be it.’ Then, looking up from her device. ‘Wow! “They are at the end of the gallery; retired to their tea and scandal, according to their ancient custom.” That the one?’
‘You’ve got my number Charlie.’
‘Wait. Act One, Scene One, William Congreve 1694 The Double Dealer, oh that’s appropriate.’
‘I’ll ignore that, we have practice to do.’
‘So “gallery”, what’s that?’
‘Er, posh houses of the time would have a long gallery down the whole of one side of the house.’
‘So this bloke says “they” - everyone knows he’s talking about gossipy women huddled in the corner?’
‘Precisely. Come on, get your kit off.'
By now, gentle reader, I suspect you can see what’s coming. Our literally diversion, led to our physical diversions overrunning. This time we both jumped at the sound of the flat doorbell ringing. I glanced at the screen. ‘It’s her, someone going out must have let her in. Quick, you put on your dressing gown, open the door and just say you were changing. When I come out fully dressed you go back in your room and change into whatever works.’
‘Oh, thanks a lot.’
‘Trust me, it won’t work the other way around.’
I confess I left the bedroom door ajar. ‘Good afternoon, Mrs Haywood. Do come in. My apologies for the delay, I was just changing after our yoga session.’
‘Yoga! The room certainly has the aroma of the gymnasium. The mats, oh yes I see, of course. Forgive me Ms Sparkwell, but why does my nephew require you to instruct him in yoga in his living room?’
‘It’s a delicate matter, madam. The specific exercises I have been recommending happen to be very effective for tightening up, shall we say, bringing back good order and discipline to the whole digestive system. I’m determined to have a go at reversing all aspects of what I believe is simply - premature ageing.’
‘Yes, of course he has led a totally self-indulgent lifestyle until now, even as a child he would get the most appalling collywobbles. No self-control. I wish you well. Now run along dear and change. Anthony!’
I emerged, completing my transformation on the move for fear she would enter the bedroom. ‘How are you auntie? You look full of the joys. Has Charlotte been taking care of you?’
‘I really think it a bit much making the poor girl answer the door in a state of undress, what will everyone think. You should be more considerate. Especially since I understand she’s been taking you in hand.’
‘That’s one way of putting it.’
‘I shall monitor your progress with interest. After all, you cannot deny that, how should one say - cursed with too much money, you fritter away in idle selfishness…’
At that moment we both noticed Sparkwell, now respectfully attired in her suit, pass through en route to the kitchen, head down and typing furiously. ‘Oh lord, oh my ears and whiskers.’
‘What is it she’s doing that alarms you so, Anthony?’
‘I think she’s just trying to improve her education, she’s heard you make a literary allusion - doesn’t want to appear ignorant when she returns with the tea.’
‘Nonsense, I know my own mind, you’re the one forever offering up obscure references, showing off your knowledge - which after all, we all know is just the result of an education very expensively bought!’
‘Well I expect direct quotes can be unconsciously made...’
‘What are you saying?’
‘Tea, Mrs Haywood?’
‘Thank you, nice to know you’re weening him off those most unsavoury cakes.’
‘May I ask, did you read to Anthony as a child?’
‘Very occasionally perhaps, I have no recollection. No, I don’t think we can seek there for the source of his Bohemian tendencies.’
‘I’ll plead guilty to the lesser charge of Bourgeois Boheme, if you insist.’
‘There you go again. Affectation bordering on snobbery. Despoiling our mother tongue. Mummy used to say it all came in with the Jazz Age, provocative dancing to provocative words.’
‘Dapper Dan was a very handy man on a train that ran through Dixie, Made the beds and ev'rything. All you had to do was ring...’ Charlie spoke with a faraway, wistful voice, not a bit like the song. ‘He has it in his music collection, Mrs Hayward’.
‘There you are, you won’t get away with in the future, coffeehouse-ing your life away.’
‘No alas, after all Aunt, coffee only came in, in the eighteenth century along with sugar. Tea had been around a whole lot longer.’
‘I’m reducing his caffeine intake to one measure per day.’
‘Very wise. Now then Anthony, what’s this I hear about Mr Tufnell proposing to marry a waitress, again!’
‘Fear not, I’ve delegated the matter to Charlotte, after all she knows the girl.’
‘Indeed, how intriguing...’
‘Okay, so I get that students and even teachers are idiots even when searching because they let themselves be led down the garden path, in fact the old “touch your forelock” thing is still there in education despite everything. I get that a lot of learning is unconscious imitation, but how does someone end up…'
‘Well, when you read a book or watch a movie, TV, that you really get to like, it’s all about being able to identify and empathise with a character or characters. But nonetheless you’re still giving equal attention to what you don’t care for, otherwise you’d never appreciate the situation your favourite character is in.’
‘Right.’
‘So time passes, you grow-up, change, once in a while you think, oh my God I sounded just like my father when I said that, more time passes and you end up actually behaving in a way totally at odds with the story you tell yourself, and the rest of the world, about who you are and what you are. So, you are right, we must stay in the moment, let go.’
‘Out there they think love conquers all!’
‘They also think that beauty is truth and that’s all they need to know… We can do better than that, now here’s a quote; “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery.’
‘Who was he?’
‘French pilot and part-time writer, flew small planes around the Mediterranean and North Africa in the Nineteen-thirties, disappeared off the French coast during the war, ferrying God knows what or whom, flying by the seat of his pants.’
‘Navigating with his balls more like.’
‘In an age when women wore silk knickers, and loose trousers that really did hang from the hips.’
‘Never have the hair removed from your actual genitalia. So, I know where to start on your so called library, let’s see, my word, fourteen volumes.’
‘They’re all in the correct order, I should start at the beginning, it will be pleasant light reading for the journey.’
‘Where are we going?’
‘Do you have a passport?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then we take the night train to Antibes.’
‘Tonight?’
‘Give me ten minutes and I’ll tell you.’
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