‘Bloody hell! The woman’s wearing white, damn it! They’re both on the wrong side of forty.’
‘Calm yourself, Cat.’ I whispered back as the real action began.
‘What is the C-of-E thinking of? This place has always been high church. There’s a Civil War pub three doors down. And I know for a fact Prue’s been round the block more than once.’
‘Yes, but that was before she became a virgin.’
‘What?’
‘You know, everyone rebrands themselves these days, rewrites the past in their heads so they can identify as somebody else. She’s managed to get what she wanted with all the trimmings. Besides, if it really bothers you, stick your hand up when they get to the “just impediment” bit.’
‘No, the sods will have changed the order of service. It’s Rory I feel sorry for.’
‘Nonsense, she’ll make a perfect old style political wife, even a grand hostess perhaps. If this reception works, perhaps she’ll want to hire the Park for a political salon from time to time.’
‘Where’s Charlie? I’ve been looking forward to seeing her in a dress, and a hat.’
‘Me too, I can assure you. However she’s in full dress uniform today, acting as event organiser for the Park.’
The service turned out a bit dull in the end, simply because everything was done in such a correct manner. Everyone was there, with one notable exception - and I don’t mean Charlie. I’d rather assumed the unspeakable Buffy Trumpton would put in an appearance, Rory having now joined him in Westminster. After Prudence had commanded the photographer in his duties, we all piled into the official transport, but not before she’d sidled up to me; ‘Are you sure your strumpet can handle this?’
‘Naturally. Besides, we’ve been in constant communication all a.m. Anyway, you remember the Christmas party?’
‘Oh yes, of course. How come you always look the best dressed person in the room, even at a girl’s fucking wedding?’
I took both her hands in mine for a second or two, a pattern break if ever there was one; ‘Everything is going to be okay. You’re a winner, always have been.’
It was a few minutes after we’d all congregated at the veranda bar end of the Park lounge that it happened. Two figures could be seen running out from the house, each laden down with what appeared to be a pile of bed sheets. They skirted the pond and headed towards the ninth green, whipped the flagpole out and started arranging the sheets on the ground. The room went quite, as the distant sound of rota blades began to be heard. Someone opened the glass doors. ‘I say! This is fun, what?’ exclaimed Tuffy.
‘I’ve a horrible feeling I know what’s going to happen next.’ So said a familiar female voice. I turned to see Carrie at my side.
‘Oh no. Seriously?’
‘I think so, look over there, she’s turned as white as her dress.’ As everyone moved forward, some already on the lawn, Prudence remained stock still.
Sure enough a minute or so later a shock of blond hair could be seen bounding from the flying conveyance and immediately orientating itself towards the closest person in the crowd. With outstretched hand, Buffy - for it was he - began approaching everyone in turn, the vigorous handshake accompanied at the end by the placing of the open palm of the left hand half way up the forearm for just a moment.
‘Of course, the man’s quite sound politically.’ Another voice, this time male. ‘Although his popularist approach would not be my own.’
‘He gets your vote then Frimley?’
‘He’s a winner, he’s what every party needs.’
‘Thank you by the way for your assistance re. recent local difficulty.’
‘You’re welcome. May one enquire whether you were able to plug the other end of the leak, so to speak?’
‘Oh yes, a minor functionary in the Park administration saw the error of his ways.’
‘And how did you achieve that?’
‘I’ve no idea, I delegated the matter entirely to my assistant. After all, she was the object of his fascination.’
Finally having run out of greetable wedding guests, Buffy paused, looked around, saw me and resumed his bounding walk towards the bar. ‘Ah, there you are Anthony, I was hoping you’d be here, there’s a somewhat delicate matter that’s arisen regarding young Rory, I need your advice.’
‘Well if it’s just advice, I can relax then.’
‘Yes, quite.’
‘Here, have some bubbly.’
‘I never drink now. Clouds the judgement.’
‘You know yours is the first chopper we’ve had on the lawn.’
‘For goodness sake it’s not mine! It’s on loan, an experiment, a friend of the party has offered it full-time when the crisis comes.’
‘Still trying to leverage your way into Downing Street, by fair means or foul?’
‘We do go back a long way Anthony; I was hoping we could trust each other on this one.’
‘It’s because we go back a way, that neither of us can rely on trust. Carrie is hereabouts, you should have a word.’
‘All right, cards on the table, I need Rory singing from the Team Buffy hymn sheet therefore I need Prudence batting for me, and I need Carrie back too, she’s a genius when it comes to PR. Only you can fix it all. And when I win, and you know I will, I’ll be the best-informed man in the realm, so I’ll know in minutes how you’ve managed to acquire your own slice of rural England. I might even be able to confirm the rumour about Earnshaw.’
‘What rumour?’
‘That he’s had to resign from the council of that hair-shirt chapel he’s a member of because he’s a porn addict.’
‘All of which gives me any number of reasons not to lift a finger to help you. So, amaze me, pull the rabbit out of the hat.’
‘You’ll do it because you won’t be able to stop yourself, you’re an addict too in your own way. Addicted to playing the puppeteer. We both know it’s all a game, we’ve always opposed each other, it works, we have more in common than those who surround us.’
‘How’s the diet coming?’
‘I always saw you, you know, staring down from your window, every time I was hitting the home stretch when out on a run after afternoon school, I’d never have finished if you hadn’t been watching.’
‘We were generally waiting for the butter to melt on our toasted tea cakes.’
‘And now you have to employ someone to impose self-discipline from without.’
‘You do realise we both, have both our elbows on the bar - you don’t often see that.’
‘We should mingle, wouldn’t want the others to think we were conspiring.’
‘I knew this would happen, when you didn’t turn up at the church, I thought yes, no amount of him smartening himself up, no winning smile for the bride - would help in the least.’
‘They, think we, are lazy.’
‘When in fact we, simply aspire to an easy life. Any ideas on how to scrape Tuffy off the pavement when all this goes down?’
‘Simple, now he’s hit his stride he’ll want to aim higher.’
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