‘How on earth do you imagine this is going to happen?’
‘It will happen because all those involved, will want it to happen.’
‘You can’t possibly know that!’ Asserted Charlie, as she guided us towards an unofficial lunchtime cafe conference with Archie Layton at his favourite coffee chain in our great cathedral city.
‘Buffy will relish an opportunity to hob-nob with the younger royals and hence will oil the wheels, your handler and the whole security crew will see it as an easy evening’s overtime, they’re already familiar with the set-up, so too the Chief Constable, a feather in her cap.’
Archie seemed to find the whole idea hilarious as I made my pitch. I ended with what I thought was the clincher; ‘So the date, will simply be whichever day the Palace has already pencilled-in for the Duke and Duchess to do the west country.’
Then the Banker put on his serious, ‘do something about your overdraft’, face. ‘There are a couple things you can’t be expected to know, Tony. One, although you’re right they’d have no problem with the knees-up, and I’ll be happy to put in a word, it’s just they’re also deeply serious people, they need good reasons to be there, worthy causes and all that.’
‘But they’ll have been doing that all day!’
‘You don’t quite get it, you need to have good, worthy reasons to justify their presence.’
‘Someone needs to cut the ribbon on the new spa facility, and someone needs to punch the first ticket on the minibus, part of our, don’t drink and drive campaign!’
‘Try harder. What issue have they made their own? Think, I mean, say having delivered your drunken revellers back to town, what do we notice when wandering the streets at night? Do we not have with us today, the leading light of the night shelter committee, the very same person with the inside track to our nation’s leading scandal sheet. After all, HRH learnt the art of the unofficial visit at his mother’s knee, did he not?’
‘Archie, it’s always an education talking to you, I think we could rise to the occasion don’t you Charlie?’
‘Sure, no worries.’ She said, looking positively thunderstruck.
‘The other thing Tony. The date, fixed in stone long ago, is in ten days time!’
‘Bloody hell!’ Said Charlie.
‘Should be a piece of cake for someone with Tony’s resources. I’ll speak to the Duchess tonight. No one but the principals in the know mind you, even on the night it must just be rumours of the PM bringing a guest of honour, okay? I’m afraid you’ll have to put-up with my presence, they’ll need a translator to explain what you lot are all about! Ha!’
In truth, I didn’t start feeling the nerves until we were getting dressed on the afternoon of the day itself, me in black tie and Charlotte in a, just covering the knee, dress magic-ked from her new wardrobe. ‘So, full dress rehearsal on the wooden floor of the treatment room then.’
I chose my recording of the Miller Band playing, In The Mood; ‘I don’t imagine they’ll play it, but it’s three false endings before...’
‘See? The full twirl and it doesn’t show my knickers!’
‘Good. The jitterbug was a good ten years away.’
Practice having restored my confidence; everything went like a dream. We put our trust in Archie and took our cues from him. Charlie ended-up leading the Duchess through the new spa. When she returned, she said; ‘We’re on, the whole works, and apparently the Duke has expressed a desire to actually drive the minibus into town!’
‘I’ll speak to the Chief Constable!’
When I did, she didn’t like it; ‘Does he know what he’s doing?’ She liked it even less when I explained that the man who had driven it all the way from Birmingham was sat at the bar at that very moment and could no doubt provide instruction.
‘Jack! He’s a crook!’
‘But he fills your officer’s tanks.’
‘You, I... Oh, very well. But you get him out of the bar, this has to be private.’
As soon as the royal couple took to the dance floor, mobile devices began to appear in earnest. ‘Someone is bound to leak it immediately.’ Said Charlie.
‘Yes, it may hit some media websites, but too late for the print editions. Only the Don is holding the front page and the whole point is to place a picture of them dancing next to one you take later at the shelter.’
‘This whole shebang should do your reputation no harm at all Anthony, must be costing you a fortune though.’
‘Well, call it an investment Prime Minister.’
‘All our futures rest on them, you know.’
‘So, one would imagine.’
‘Shame they’re so, well, liberal.’
‘They can afford to be.’
And a moment or two later, another voice from the past. ‘Well, congratulations Tony. I take my hat off, again. Must have taken a bit of organising, even for you. And the band! Gracious, they make the entire club look young!’ So spoke Daphne.
‘And the night is still young too.’
In the end the convoy that headed back to town and the waterfront, consisted of a patrol car in front, then the minibus with Charlie, the VIPs and various hangers-on, with me behind in the new car giving Jack a ride, and finally a police van behind us.
‘Our Chief Constable really should learn how to get more fun out of life.’ Said Jack.
‘It was shear vanity and self-interest that made her swallow her pride and rope you in.’
‘You know, if you really want the edge, you should ask your new friend Henry “never plead guilty” Walpole, about her.’
‘Really?’
‘Oh, yes. Walpole remembers cross-examining her over her notebook, at her first appearance down the Bailey when she was a young WPC with the Met.’
‘Good lord! It never ceases to amaze me how well connected you are.’
‘How’s your extra computer working?’
‘Let’s find out!’ I said, pressing a button on the dash.
‘Nothing’s happening.’
‘We still have to wait for her to pick up.’
After a second or two; ‘Is that singing?!’ Exclaimed Jack.
Then, after a further short pause, Charlie went to speaker; ‘We’re all goin’ on a summer holiday, No more workin’ for a week or two, Fun and laughter on a summer holiday...’
‘That’s a bit ancient, even for them, surely?’ Said Jack.
‘Didn’t his mother play tennis with Cliff, or am I thinking of someone else?’
Then, to cap it all we heard; ‘The young ones, Darling, we’re the young ones, And the young ones, Shouldn’t be afraid...’
We ended-up, in conversation over hot chocolate at the shelter’s canteen; ‘I’m afraid sir, your dancing has leaked.’ I turned my mobile screen towards the VIPs. There were groans of disappointment and disapproval. ‘However, Charlie here has the means for instant rebuttal, should you care to take the advantage.’
‘Explain, if you would Tony.’ Interceded Archie.
‘Here on Charlie’s work mobile is a nicer dancing picture, plus one taken a few minutes ago, but with the client’s backs to camera, now Don Wooley of The Beacon, club member, is one of Charlie’s biggest fans and I took the precaution of asking him to hold the front page of the print edition, he can guarantee both pics appear side by side. It’s a bit tight, but you’ve a good ten minutes to decide.’
‘He’s published your pictures before hasn’t he Charlotte?’ Said Archie.
‘Yes, pictures from the summit, and the Crimean gold of course, always good about attribution and fees, but you’d know that ma’am, with your family pictures.’
‘Yes, yes. What do you think darling?’ The Duke turned and looked at the last flunkey still on his feet. There was an almost imperceptible nod.
‘Today was the best day.’ Charlie said later. Then added; ‘That other media outlet, the one that leaked, they’re the Don’s principal rival. That’s the give away you know, too clever by half you, always pushing it, I suppose you even said to Cat, something slightly gaudy, slightly tasteless.’
‘Am I that transparent?’
‘Only after the event, not the least predictable. Thank goodness.’
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